Episode #1184
Many married men experience shifts in their wife's energy, mood, and desire for intimacy without understanding what may be happening physiologically. Education around women's reproductive health is often limited, leaving couples to react to these changes without recognizing the natural rhythms behind them. When a husband does not understand how hormonal fluctuations can affect his wife's physical capacity and emotional experience throughout the month, small misunderstandings can become recurring sources of friction.
Doug Holt and his wife Erin offer a different approach: learn her cycle and use that knowledge to become a more attentive partner. Rather than treating menstruation as an inconvenience or uncomfortable subject, a husband can understand the month as a progression through four broad seasons. Winter is a time when energy may drop and additional rest can help. Spring often brings energy and clarity back. Summer, around ovulation, can bring higher energy and desire. Autumn can become more introspective as the body approaches menstruation again.
The point is not to turn your wife into a calendar or assume every emotional shift is hormonal. It is to understand her well enough to notice what she needs. During lower-energy periods, that might mean handling dinner, taking care of the kids, or giving her more space to recover. At other points in her cycle, it might mean planning a date, getting outdoors together, or making room for deeper intimacy. That same mindset of paying attention instead of guessing is explored further in How to Meet Your Wife's Needs Without Her Telling You What They Are.
Modern cycle-tracking apps can make this awareness easier when both partners are comfortable using them. The goal is partnership, not surveillance. Knowing where your wife is in her cycle can help you anticipate when she may need more recovery, when her energy typically increases, and when intimacy may feel more natural. It can also open conversations around changing physical needs during perimenopause or irregular cycles.
Ultimately, understanding your wife's cycle is another way of paying closer attention to the woman you married. When you stop taking every shift personally and start approaching her experience with curiosity, communication, and practical support, you create more room for trust and connection. That kind of emotional awareness can influence everything from everyday family life to the intimacy you share as husband and wife.
00:00 - Introduction: Why Cycle Tracking Is a Marriage Game Changer
01:37 - Changing the Energy Around Menstrual Health for Wives and Daughters
03:09 - Honoring Female Cyclical Nature as an Act of Partnership
04:07 - Phase 1: Winter (Menstruation) and How Husbands Can Step In
08:11 - Phase 2: Spring (Follicular Phase) and Rebounding Energy
10:55 - How Supporting Her Recovery Builds Deeper Trust
12:41 - Phase 3: Summer (Ovulation Phase) and Peak Intimacy
13:51 - Practical Preparation: Natural Products and Emergency Truck Supplies
17:35 - Phase 4: Autumn/Fall (Luteal Phase) and Introspective Reflection
19:03 - Doug Holt Mid-Roll: A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage
20:05 - Managing Premenstrual Symptoms and Caloric Needs
22:30 - How Husbands Can Track the Cycle Using Apps
24:11 - Overcoming Shame and Rebuilding Safety Around Cycle Tracking
26:19 - Daily Male Hormone Cycles vs. Female Monthly Cycles
29:20 - Supporting Workout Modifications During Different Phases
32:58 - Supporting Wives Experiencing Perimenopause or Irregular Cycles
35:30 - How Couples Can Start the Conversation Together
38:08 - Taking Action: Applying Insight to Strengthen Your Household
How does a woman's menstrual cycle affect marriage intimacy?
A woman's desire and physical capacity can fluctuate through the four phases of her cycle. Energy and intimacy may increase during the follicular and ovulation phases, while menstruation and the luteal phase may bring a greater need for rest, emotional patience, and physical recovery.
How can a husband track his wife's cycle without making her feel uncomfortable?
A husband can suggest using a cycle-tracking app together as a shared tool for better household planning and partnership. The key is consent and communication. Approach the conversation with curiosity and a genuine desire to support her rather than treating cycle tracking as a way to monitor or control her.
What practical steps can a man take during his wife's menstruation phase?
During menstruation, a husband can take on more household responsibilities, prepare dinner, manage child care, and create opportunities for his wife to rest. He can also make sure needed menstrual products are available and take her physical symptoms seriously rather than making light of them.
If you want to discover what is missing in your relationship and how to bring back love, respect, and intimacy, watch the free video training at The Powerful Man Scales.
You can also learn more about supporting your spouse through Meeting Your Wife's Needs.
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Erin Holt 0:00
When I do come out of having my period, I am the best version of me.
Doug Holt 0:04
How can men track their wife's cycle?
Erin Holt 0:08
She was not herself.
Doug Holt 0:11
What's going on in your body? What's going on through different phases?
Erin Holt 0:15
Be kind when she's having her period. Don't make fun of her during this phase.
Doug Holt 0:19
Why would we want all women to be in the same cycle?
Erin Holt 0:23
I could nap all day long, and it's just kind of the way it is.
Doug Holt 0:39
Did you know that understanding your wife's menstrual cycle could be the unlock that your marriage needs? Well, that's exactly what we're going to talk about today on the TPM Show. And before you click away, let me tell you, this has been a game changer for me. Babe, thanks for being here.
Erin Holt 0:54
Oh my gosh, thanks for having me.
Doug Holt 0:56
I'm excited about this topic because it's something that most men know nothing about, and sometimes women have very little information.
Erin Holt 1:04
It's, it's shocking how little education there is about women's menstrual cycle that happens every single month from pretty young age, well into your 40s usually. So, and I, as you said, this has definitely been a game changer for our marriage.
Once I learned more about it, and then taught you about it, and it was way we could work with it instead of before. I felt like we were working against it and struggling, and I was too as a woman, and not really understanding how different each week of the month is for us.
Doug Holt 1:37
And with that involved, I mean, we'll talk about how men can use this unlock and how it can help them, not only in their marriage, though, but I mean, I have a daughter, right? And so I can understanding her body and her changes is helpful for me as a, as a father as well.
Erin Holt 1:55
And also, I wish I was educated in a way where now, like, I will for sure be educating our daughter and the, like, the woman I coach. I do this, is like putting a positive spin on having a period every month because we're taught like, "Oh, it's so inconvenient. It's the worst thing ever. It's gross. It's, it's a pain." Like, it's just a very terrible energy around it.
And it is challenging. But anything that you have a terrible energy around in your life, it doesn't matter what is, you will experience it being terrible. So re-educating around how to understand the sacred parts of it, like, what's a sacred third? How do we have this be a different experience for you? Because it's going to happen.
I mean, there are ways you can make it not happen, but, and with our daughter, I will for sure be having it set up where she gets some sort of rite of passage and some sort of ceremony and a special something, so it's not such a experience where I experience just like a dread and like fear and just completely not knowing really what's going on and understanding why I would feel so different at different times of the month and have no context for what's happening.
Doug Holt 3:03
I love that. Well, let's talk about it. What should men know first?
Erin Holt 3:09
Actually, what I just said is that really having a true grace and respect and an honoring that women are cyclical, that means we're exceptionally different than you, and I think it's really big act of partnership to understand what that means for her and what that means in relationship and what that means in her world.
And that right there is like wanting to educate himself is a really cool thing to do as a partner, as a father, as a man who interacts with women, which I'm assuming most people do, and just really give you an opportunity to understand the opposite sex better because I, like, you'll never experience a period, but you could have a deeper understanding, which would be extremely beneficial for you in your partnerships.
Doug Holt 3:54
Menstrual cycle, does that affect a woman's mood? We always hear about, you know, as guys, it's kind of that, "Oh, it's that time of terrible—"
Erin Holt 3:59
Thing.
Doug Holt 4:00
Yeah.
Erin Holt 4:00
Of course it does. I mean, we can start going by week by week if you want and explain the different weeks.
Doug Holt 4:06
Let's do it.
Erin Holt 4:07
Okay, let's start with when she's bleeding. Obviously, it's her period. Think of it as the seasonals. It easily correlates with, like, a winter. Okay, so it's, think of winter. It's colder outside if you're living somewhere that has four seasons. It's darker earlier. You have the, the want to be more cozy and comfortable and retreat in more. That is exactly how women feel.
It's like a time where it's like so much energy is going out because there was no baby if she was getting a period. So everything from the uterine lining is shedding and releasing and letting go, and it takes a lot of energy. So she's much more tired, has less capacity to her things in her life that normally are whatever. This is what she does, so of course she'll hide it. Will she get her responsibilities done? Yes.
And I would say, what I have learned, and it took me a while to break patterns of just go, go, go, go, go, do, do, do, do, do, do, no matter what phase I'm in, and then I would wonder why I would feel terrible or have more physical symptoms with, like, extreme cramping or extreme tired or extreme moodiness or just, like, tons of crying.
It's like when you honor the fact that during this time your body needs to rest more, especially the first, like, few days, and I'll talk about the period, the part right before your period as far as rest too. But it's a really, if you can somehow figure out where she gets to slow down a little bit more, and the months that I am responsible for that and be like, you know, I'm gonna take this off my plate and know that I'll be back full force in three days, and let myself rest a little bit more.
I give myself the permission and not feel bad about it or carry guilt that I'm, like, saying no to a social event or no to something work-wise, knowing that if I do, if I book this for next week, I will absolutely kill it. I will get it done more efficiently, and I will show up better. Not saying we can't show up when we have a period. We can, trust me. We are used to doing that.
And, but the times that I slow down, I have less of all the physical symptoms I just described and more positive experience. And I, when I do come out of having my period, I am the best version of me. You and I fight less when I allow myself, and also when you're, you have grace around it.
And I'm like, "I am really exhausted. I need a slow day," or, "I need to not help you with this," or, "Could you do dinner, the kids tonight? Because I am absolutely maxed out, and my body needs to rest." Like, when that, we can make that happen in our life, oh my gosh! It's like we work better. I feel better.
And, like, I, I can't reiterate enough. When she is given a little bit more rest than normal, she will come back and come out of this season, not season, but, like, the season of winter and her period, so much more ready to get back to normal life, and she will feel so loved and seen and validated and respected by you that she will just have more love and desire and just be really grateful towards you for doing your best you can to understand what it may, like, be like to have a period as a man and her partner or her dad.
Doug Holt 7:20
No, it makes a lot of sense, and you gave some good examples of how guys can step in and just help out a little bit, you know. And the way I look at it is, I love you. You're my partner. We decided to take this journey together, and so obviously, like, when I have big work days or something big going on, I may lean on you to do more with the kids, and vice versa. So this is a time where a husband can come in and go, "Okay, let me take a few of these little things off your plate while you're recovering."
Erin Holt 7:52
Yeah. I mean, and it took me a long time to be able to really get the impact that that can have on me, positive impact, which means it has a positive impact on the entire marriage and family unit.
Doug Holt 8:05
Sure. Absolutely. Okay, so we're in winter. That's the period. What's the next season?
Erin Holt 8:11
We're going into the follicular phase, which is, like, think of, like, spring. It's like everything's kind of coming back to life. The trees are budding. The flowers are out. People are coming outside more. Energy's increasing. A little sexiness coming back in the air. People are wanting to do more things socially and get together more. That's exactly what this next phase is like.
I would say for me, day three or four of, so day one is when you start bleeding, day three or four, I, like, literally feel a surge of energy, and I'm like, I'm coming back, and it's like I'm, I come back to life, and I am renewed because I have shed all of that old energy and literal and physical energy, and I exactly feel like that.
I'm, like, more social. I want to connect with Doug more. I want to be out of my quote-unquote cave more, and I want to wear the more cute clothes again. That's the other thing. It's like when you're right before your period, which I'll talk about more in detail in a minute, but, and you have your period, you literally retain so much water, and your stomach is extended, and you feel bloated, and clothes don't fit right.
Getting dressed feels like it's incredibly hard, and things that fit last week literally are gripping and tight and uncomfortable. And it's, can be before I knew it was happening, and it still is hard. It's just a really big mind. You're like, "What am I? Oh my God, I feel terrible about myself." And it's like, I know it's happening now. It's like, okay, this is just because your period's coming and you're bleeding and everything's a little descended and you feel not your best.
So coming into spring phase, like all of that, like literally, I will just keep it PG. But, like, the release of a lot of urine and other things is a lot on days three and four. It's like your body is letting go of everything that held on. Women can, like, I use the word gain with quotes, but, like, up to, like, five pounds, and it's, like, feels uncomfortable because it happens pretty quickly, and that gets released. I had no idea about that when I was younger, and that used to really mess with me.
And so this is a time to schedule the dates, have more connection time together. Go on adventures. Go on harder workouts, harder hikes, or whatever you're into physically, and just know that it's like, especially if she's given a little bit of extra space or quiet time or rest, whatever she wants or needs during that beginning of her period, she will come out of this just like, "Okay, let's get that project done. Let's do this. Okay, let's line this up for the thing we talked about. We wanted to do for business," whatever.
I think that paints a pretty good picture of it. And her desire for sex comes back a lot more.
Doug Holt 10:52
And so we plan our vacations around this cycle too.
Erin Holt 10:55
When the beginning of this and my ovulation.
Doug Holt 10:57
Yep, which we'll get into in a little bit. How can a husband take advantage of this without overwhelming his wife?
Erin Holt 11:05
I'm wondering. I've never felt overwhelmed by you in this space, but I just know that, like, be ready for her, be kind when she's having her period, and also just be ready to, like, greet her coming out of it and be like, "Hey, welcome back," and, like, just kind of be, like, excited to spend time with her. Excited to have some of the bigger conversations about life, or things that need to be. "Hey, we, let's deal with this thing that we've been kind of put on the back burner for while you were on your period." Or plan dates, plan fun things, plan the family outings, plan the, the travel days the best. I mean, the best you can around her cycle.
Doug Holt 11:43
Okay, great. So we got winter, we got spring. Now she's coming back. So the man during the winter phase, he's going to create more space for, help her out a little bit, allow her to relax a little bit more, and then obviously—
Erin Holt 11:56
And also, just like on a really, like, sounds silly, but, like, don't make fun of her during this phase. It's just, like, it's not a, not a cool time to, like, be like, make fun of her or, like, if she wants to wear sweatpants or loose pants, like, it does because it feels better and she doesn't feel as sexy. Like, don't make fun of her for, like, "Oh, I'm wearing your frumpy sweatpants," and it's like we're already, like, in our head enough about it. That's another thing I wanted to add. Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off.
Doug Holt 12:20
No, that's fine. And so then comes with this energy. Now you have, we're having the talks. Now we can have great sex. We can talk about our lives. Have that, that meeting about finances or that difficult conversation that we put on...
Erin Holt 12:34
Or planning conversation.
Doug Holt 12:35
Were it's fun. So following this, I'm smart enough to know that after spring comes summer.
Erin Holt 12:41
Summer, which is, like, the ovulation phase. It's biologically when a woman during this phase can get pregnant. So she usually, for most women, is when her peak sexuality is here. It's when we feel the sexiest end. We want to be seen and want to be on your arm and want to be, like, you know, wear things that we feel sexier in and want, like, simply want to have sex more, and it's like a drive that is a really great time to capitalize for couples, and as a partner being aware of that, her being aware of that, and maximize that as much as possible.
Doug Holt 13:17
We call this vacation time.
Erin Holt 13:19
Once we started, as best as we can, scheduling a lot of vacations around these two parts of my cycle, it's, and it's more fun for me. I mean, no woman wants to travel wherever you're traveling. It doesn't matter if you're driving or flying 14 hours and going on your vacation to relax and be carefree and whatever you're doing, swimming especially, and be like, "Okay, I'm gonna have my period the whole time." Do we do it? Of course. Is it as fun? No.
Doug Holt 13:45
Well, we experienced that because we got evacuated because of fires.
Erin Holt 13:50
Absolutely.
Doug Holt 13:51
Right. And it happened to be during your winter cycle coming up. And I think a thing that a lot of guys don't know is most of the feminine products, like tampons, have intense chemicals in them. In fact, these companies get sued.
Erin Holt 14:05
So messed up.
Doug Holt 14:06
So finding organic, safe, clean tampons was an adventure that we had to undertake.
Erin Holt 14:14
Did not think about grabbing anything when we were evacuating.
Doug Holt 14:17
When you're evacuating, with grab the kids, you know, and a couple important things, and that's it. And luckily, we had a great place to land. But I think these are also things that, as a guy, I don't have to think about.
And so, even here at the ranch where we have events for men, we also have spare tampons in there. An event that some guys bring their families here, they bring their wife here—
Erin Holt 14:40
Or I'm here.
Doug Holt 14:40
Or you're here, and that everybody's taken care of, and you do a great job of that, and it's not something I have to worry about. But, you know, just a side note: this is for guys. We're practical people.
You were kind of panicking about the situation, and I was like, "Wait a minute, let's go check my truck." And luckily, I put some in there. But you forgot, which is great. And I thought that was, that was a really good thing that the guys can do. Like, hey, let's just put, we, you know, I've got a whole kind of survival kit in the truck, right? Add tampons to the list, right?
If, if you're in that situation, whether it be for your daughter or for your wife, and things like that, or your place of business, right. The place that we ate at, a great cafe by the river, and you walk into the bathroom as a unisex bathroom, just a general bathroom, and they had organic tampons that, you know—
Erin Holt 15:35
For free. For free should be—
Doug Holt 15:36
For their customers, which is fantastic.
Erin Holt 15:40
That's a really good point.
Doug Holt 15:41
Okay, so winter. Okay, we're gonna stay away, give her some space. Not stay away, but we're gonna give her some space and, and prepare to take—
Erin Holt 15:52
That.
Doug Holt 15:53
A little bit more of the workload. I look at as just when you describe it. Again, a lot of businessmen watch this. Sometimes I have, like, "Hey, I have to cram. Like, I have a lot of stuff to get done." I just put together another course content. I have another course coming out, and sometimes I will lean on you and say, "Hey, look, I just need a little help here to do it."
This is the same thing. And for your cycle, which we'll talk about in a little bit, it's much more predictable than some men's. But I could just look at an app and know when it's coming. To set an AI reminder for that.
So then we go into spring and now summer. Summer's the fun time. Lots of play, lots of things going on. We can plan activities. We can, for you and I, we try to plan our vacations.
Erin Holt 16:36
And, like, also for whatever she does for whatever work it is—stay at home, home business, work in a company, part time, mix of all the things above—it's as best as I can. I try and plan if I'm doing filming or different big projects behind the scenes. I generally try and do it within this time frame because I know I have more capacity and energy and bandwidth, and I feel my best physically as well. So that's another thing that has been really, really helpful.
Doug Holt 17:09
Okay, and this would also be a great time to talk about the relationship, right? Because your, your mood or a woman's mood is going to be in a better place, right? Versus, and I'm just using this as a opposite. During winter, things are a little bit moody; they're a little bit down, so to speak, whatever it could be, and so be easier to go down a negative rabbit hole. Where summer, things would be leaning towards a more positive rabbit hole.
Erin Holt 17:35
And then from there we go into fall or autumn, which you could think about, like, in nature, things are starting to die. Every, all the animals are prepping to hibernate, the ones that do, and trees are dropping their leaves, and all the energy is going back down into the roots. Things like that.
So similar things happening for women. So in the beginning, it's like progesterone does rise a little bit, and that's when it's like women really want to. It's like this urge, and it's to clean or organize or finish that house project or finish organizing that project that you wanted to get done at work. And it's like this—it's almost like a nesting urge right before you have a baby, similar-ish, and then everything crashes.
Your hormones can crash up to, like, 85%, and your brain feels different. And it's a time. This is what was a huge paradigm shift for me. It's, it's a time where, like, a little bit of the rose color glasses come off because your estrogen drops so much, and you're like, it's a really big time of reflection.
Just like the moon goes through cycles. That's why it's also called the moon cycle, and it's like a time of letting go and literally shedding parts of your life. You're like, "What worked this month well? What didn't work? What felt really crappy that I really want to address, or I really need to go introspective about, and, like, really sort through this?"
So every single month, it's a physical, it's emotional, it's a spiritual shedding, and an evaluation of what worked and what didn't, and what you want to do more of, and what you want to do less of, for her.
Doug Holt 19:03
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what's broken, and, and not only need to know what's broken, but a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That's the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you're going to be toiling with things.
That's why I created a free training, a training that only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have, to how you get it back. How do you retain that? Where your wife's looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, "I do."
You know, I don't know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I'm her man, that I feel like I can conquer the world, and I want that for you. Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales. That's thepowerfulman.com forward slash scales, and I have a free video training for you. You, you can just click play and see if this resonates for you. Now back to the podcast.
Erin Holt 20:05
And it's also a time where energy drops a ton. Like, think about, I said to you this month, I was like, think about if, like, two days ago your, and I'm just going to use numbers for ease, your testosterone was, you know, at 100, and then all of a sudden, you know, two days from now it's, like, dropped 85. You're going to feel extremely different. Your drive is going to be different. Your motivation is going to be different. Your energy levels are going to be different. Your sex life is going to be different. You're just going to be a different, completely operating in the world from a different perspective. So that's what's happening for us.
So it's also time. Like, can we have sex? Yes. Is it the big of a drive for us? No, but it's usually a little bit more quiet time and space to connect with ourselves before that happens. It's time where we have deep cravings for food we might not normally eat or quote-unquote allow ourselves to eat, which is for most women. And I give in to that now because it's like when I honor that, like, I am having whole big thing of gluten-free mac and cheese, and it's going to be great, and I'm going to enjoy it because we actually need, like, about anywhere from three to 500 more calories per day during that time because your body is doing so much internal work and shedding.
And, but it's also, like, a really good time to, like, hydrate more and also make sure you eat well because you will feel better, obviously, the better you eat, and also just knowing that those premenstrual syndromes are, are real, and we can learn as women, like, what mitigates it. Like, I know for me, if I get some simple and boring, and if I allow myself to slow down a little bit, get as much sleep as I can, stay as hydrated as I can, and really honor, like, if I'm feeling more introspective or quiet or introverted, being like, "I'm gonna honor that," knowing, and like, I'll make plans with that friend next week and not every month.
And I will say there are usually for me and a lot of my clients and most of my women friends I talk to, like, every third or fourth cycle, that ludial phase, which is autumn, right before your period, is rugged, and then the next one won't be as bad. Next one won't be as bad. It won't be as bad, and then you have one where you're just like, "Oh my God, I feel like I cannot keep my eyeballs open. My, I'm like, I could nap all day long," and it's just kind of the way it is. So just know that every third or fourth one is pretty intense for a lot of women. And again, I'm generalizing. Every woman has a different experience.
Doug Holt 22:30
Awesome! I love this. I know when I talk to guys about this, I'm going to kind of go into my frequently asked questions that I hear, and then for those that don't know, you go in to a lot of the groups and programs we have and answer guys' questions from a woman's perspective.
Erin Holt 22:58
I do.
Doug Holt 22:30
We're looking at opening that up to the men's wives in the near future, and that's something that the team has been working on putting together. How can men track their wife's cycle?
Erin Holt 22:58
I mean, it's so easy now. You can find many, many apps. I use Stardust app, which means Doug uses Stardust, Stardust app, and so he knows where I am in my cycle, and it sends little funny.
Doug Holt 23:09
That's the best part.
Erin Holt 23:11
Funny updates and text about where I'm at, and, like, makes it light, so that you have a bigger understanding where I am into my cycle, what I might be experiencing and feeling, and how you can support me and all the things.
Doug Holt 23:23
So for the guys listening to this, I highly recommend getting the Stardust app. It is funny. It's kind of cheeky little comments, like, "Aaron's about to eat the house. You know, watch out." Or, "Aaron's, Aaron's going hibernating," you know, and it gives me little directions and things to do.
And it, it comes up an iPhone app, and it just comes up as little mentions periodically, and you can do, it has a paid version, you can do a deeper dive onto what's going on in your body, what's going on through different phases.
Now I have some guys that I've worked with, and, you know, when I tell them, "Hey, you really should be tracking your wife's cycle," they'll tell me, "Well, my wife won't let me." Why do you think that is, and/or are there other ways that guys could track their own without an app?
Erin Holt 24:11
Well, I mean, I've never experienced this, so I can't speak for them 100%. But I would imagine there's some, it might not be in the forefront of their mind, but some sort of shame around it, or not wanting to deal with it, or they don't feel safe sharing it with him, or you guys are kind of in a rugged place in your marriage that it's like, "No, like, that's vulnerable to share that with you."
Like, you know, I would imagine that's what's going on. I imagine if most couples that are in a pretty solid place are working towards getting in a more solid place, this is, this is something that can be really supportive for your entire relationship, and be really big active partnership to be like, share this with your partner, and so he can support you and you can support yourself. Because actually, a lot of women aren't educated on all this, which is wild. It's not taught.
Doug Holt 25:01
Well, I'm with you, and I think I'll come back. I, I think what it is is it's shame, and I also think that some of the women are scared the guy's going to use that information to manipulate or control them. That's the sense—
Erin Holt 25:15
I was going to say if they're in a relationship that doesn't feel safe.
Doug Holt 25:18
Or that's a concern of theirs to hold on to that power, if you will, coming through. But one thing guys can do is they can literally share this episode or go watch it on YouTube with their partner and their wife, and simply say, "Hey, I, I'd love to understand you more. What about if we get the?"
We have no affiliation with any of the apps. I'm using Stardust because I don't know the other ones. I asked you to. I know. And I'm glad I did it. You know, why don't we get this and, and track it and to see how it goes?
Erin Holt 25:51
Gosh, I remember the days of, like, tracking my period on a calendar. Like, this is so much more easeful. And, like, I can't reiterate enough. Like, it really supported our relationship once we started doing this and having this conversation. And I educated you and you, who had a much bigger understanding that, like, you cycle 24 hours. I have no idea with this. Like, it sounds. I would love to see what that feels like.
Doug Holt 26:18
That's why I drink coffee.
Erin Holt 26:19
But I also know, like, I've talked to you about this before. During yours, is a pretty extreme difference, Doug. I mean, every man's testosterone drops in the afternoon, and you are between two or three to about five or six every day. You're exhausted. You're wiped out. You don't want to do anything. And I'm like, "You cannot make any big life decisions during this time. You can't make that phone call of somebody you're frustrated with," and then boom, you, like, pop out of it.
Doug Holt 26:52
Yep.
Erin Holt 26:19
I mean, that is what it's like during our luteal phase for seven to 10 days before a period in it. But.
Doug Holt 26:52
So we talk about where you've talked about the menstrual cycle following the moons, the moon cycles. Tell me a little bit about that.
Erin Holt 27:02
Oh gosh, I feel like as women we're so disconnected from how we used to be. Like, I mean, think about how powerful the moon is. It affects all the tides and water and everything. And it's just, as women, we are deeply connected to the moon.
And, like, I know that I'm very aware of the cycle of the moon and use the new moon and full moon to set intentions and to be really intentional with my life and what I want to create more of and what I'm letting go of. And, like, you know, there's big ceremonies that are everywhere for women, or you can just do it yourself at home, and it's like your period literally mimics what the moon is doing.
So, and it's like there's times when I sync up with it, and it's really, really powerful. Okay.
Erin Holt 27:45
Yep. Yep.
Doug Holt 27:46
And then, obviously, women sync up with each other too, and proximity.
Erin Holt 27:52
Proximity for sure.
Doug Holt 27:53
Why do you think that is?
Erin Holt 27:54
I mean, I think hormones are probably one of the strongest things on the planet.
Doug Holt 27:57
It makes me wonder why God, the universe, whatever people want to believe, but why would we want all women to be in the same cycle? Right.
Erin Holt 28:09
Oh my gosh, I feel like it's a big question, but...
Doug Holt 28:11
It is.
Erin Holt 28:12
The first thing that I will say is, like, I mean, I'm sure you've heard of it. I don't know if other people have, but, like, the red tent. Like, women used to, during their time of menstruating, go gather and support one another, and make broths and soups and nourishing food and rest and take care of each other and take care of themselves.
And then they would come out of the quote-unquote red tent or the cave or whatever it was, and come back into community and, you know, go back into being with the family or whatever. And I, I don't really know a modern world that that would work. I mean, it sounds dreamy, and I know every single one of my friends and clients would be like, "Oh my gosh, it sounds incredible," and yet the structure for that is—I don't see that happening.
But, and that's why I'm saying, like, ways that, that anywhere we can support extra space, rest, nourishing food, kindness, love, tenderness goes a long, long way.
Doug Holt 29:11
In our home gym, we have four women, you being one of them, working out three days a week at least. Do you guys support each other and talk about it openly?
Erin Holt 29:20
All the time. I was just laughing with Colton, who does all our filming and is here on this podcast, about one of the wives. She was on her period, and so her husband was. She was, like, on day two or something, and her husband was like, "Oh, come on, love to have sex."
And she just turned and looked at him, and she's like, "You can talk to me if you want to have sex. If once you start bleeding out of your period, tell me if you feel sexy and want to have sex." And she just walked away. And granted, you know, she made it as a joke and it was fine, and their relationship could handle that.
And there is a thing, like, as far as working out and energy, like, the luteal phase, we feel so much more weak than other times of the month, and I have started much more the past few years syncing my, my workout to my cycles. Do I still do the same workout? But I, like, reduce my weights or I do body weight.
I don't beat myself up like I used to be. Like, "Oh my gosh, last week you were doing this. Like, what's wrong with you? Or you're gonna get fat if you don't do the same level workout." That's not true at all. When you actually work with your body, your body responds a lot better.
And so, like, that luteal phase, like, every single one of those women in the garage that come to work out, and I rate our programs. Like, that week, I'm just like, "Just reduce your weight, just do body weight, like, should that," or they'll be like, "Oh my gosh, I can't do a four set this week. I'm so fatigued, my luteal phase." I'm like, "Okay, stretch or just do some core," and, like, and then that, like, next week they're, like, back at it and doing all the reps, doing all the weights, hitting it and really, really hard. And it's, it's a very, very true thing that your strength and your energetic output and ability to do it drops dramatically.
Doug Holt 30:57
And so you're not buying chocolates for each other and things like that. And—
Erin Holt 31:00
Oh my God! That stuff is just, like, a given.
Doug Holt 31:02
Well, it's not for without the chocolate for the guys, right? We always see this in shows, or, like, kind of the joke of go buy chocolate for your wife or for a woman during her period.
Erin Holt 31:11
Salt and vinegar chips and chocolate, whatever you think is.
Doug Holt 31:16
Give me a grocery shopping list. How long is a cycle? 28 days for most women?
Erin Holt 31:21
Roughly-ish.
Doug Holt 31:23
Okay. So a 28-day cycle, roughly-ish. And I've also talked to guys, and they'll say, "My wife's cycle's all over the place."
Erin Holt 31:30
So hard.
Doug Holt 31:32
So talk about why it's hard. I have an idea, and for the guys listening to me—
Erin Holt 31:38
I'm gonna knock on wood. Thankfully, I've only been there a little bit for multiple reasons. That it's, when it's unpredictable, I mean, from a very logical standpoint, like, I'm wearing a white dress today. I'm not going to wear a white dress most of the time when I have my period the first few days.
But, like, it's like from a pure planning perspective, it's like I might could be out somewhere, and then all of a sudden, my pair could just start. And sometimes it starts, and you're just like, "Oh, it's just a light little." And other times, you're like, "Oh, wow, I am gushing blood, and that is happening in public." Like, that's hard, just from a pure logical point of, like, planning your life and everything.
And also, it's like if all of a sudden, like, I, one of the friends we were just talking about, for whatever her own—I'm not going to tell why—but, like, reasons, like, she went through a while where her periods were spaced out, like, 45 days, 60 days. She felt terrible because it's just like hormones are out of whack, nothing's shedding that's supposed to, and her body was, like, almost clenching and hanging on to things, and there was—it's better now.
But it's just like she was not herself mentally, physically, emotionally, like, in any way, shape, or form. And so it's like when things are really unpredictable, obviously. And from the point, if you're in this stage where you want to build a family, like, that's stressful. If you know what's going on that that's happening, or what, what, what support does her body need to allow that to happen when it's unpredictable? Like, there's always a level of, like, a little bit of tension, even if you're not aware of it. Like, of, like, when's it going to happen? When's it going to come? Like, you can't fully plan.
Doug Holt 33:18
Gotcha. Is there anything that, that a husband can do during that besides be supportive? Is there a particular doctor she should go see, or should you, could, could he recommend?
Erin Holt 33:29
Oh my gosh! See, I've never fully had to deal with that, but what I, what for me, like, I'm in my mid-40s and in perimenopause, and I started experiencing that where I'd had, like, one month it'd be 26 days, and the next month it'd be 35, and the next month it'd be 25, and then it'd be 38.
And it's like, if you feel awful, you just feel awful, and it's hard. And the luteal phase is longer, and you're just like, "This is not. I am not thriving in this state, and I have a lot of life left, and I'm not, for me, I'm personally, I'm not willing to feel like that."
So I am on bioidentical hormones and have a wonderful functional medicine doctor I feel very supported by, and we do blood work and we adjust it if we need to, and we haven't had to for a while for me because I've, like, got a really good formula going now, and I feel like I got Aaron back because I was not, again, educated that perimenopause can start, like, in your late 30s, and I look back and it for sure did.
And I tried to white knuckle it, and I tried to get this supplement and that supplement and do all these things. And I know there's been a lot of fear put into, like, my mom's generation and the generations before that hormones will cause cancer, and that is very much not true. And I'm sure there's going to be a lot of people that might have certain beliefs around that.
But I am choosing bioidentical hormones because they work really, really well for me, and I know they're really, really safe. And I want to protect my longevity, my brain, my bones, my heart, everything that need estrogen and progesterone and testosterone to thrive.
Doug Holt 34:59
I love the. You're doing that, by the way, as well. For a man listening to this, he's like, "Okay, I'm going to track, see if I can track my wife's cycle."
Now, I think ideally, let me ask you this: Picture one of your girlfriends and their husbands just randomly. If he came to her and said, "Hey, there's this conversation that's happening on a podcast. It's a men's coaching company, but they're talking about, you know, menstrual cycles and how men can help. Would you want to watch it with me?" Do you think that'd be favorable?
Erin Holt 35:30
I'm actually thinking not all of them, but most of their husbands have a startup Stardust up too because I've told them about it. So yes, would it be favorable? Yes, it would be.
Doug Holt 35:41
Absolutely. So I'm telling, for the guys listening to this or watching this, this is a great way just to show your partner, your wife, that you care and that you're like, "Hey, I'm taking time to educate myself and to better myself for us and for our family, and so we can have a better household."
I think it's a great way for a guy to sit down, "Hey, let's just watch this on TV," or, "Let's throw the podcast on Spotify or Audible." It's everywhere, and listen to it for the car ride, and get some education, and have conversations about—
Doug Holt 36:12
You know, is what Aaron's saying true? You know, and there's going to be modifications, right?
Erin Holt 36:16
Oh my gosh, some women love to have sex during their period, and I, and, you know, I will say, when I was younger, like, and pre-kids, and more energy just in general. I probably did more. And now it's a little bit less, and I also know that I come back real strong. You bounce back really well. Awesome. Anything else that the guys should know? I know we've covered a lot.
As what just popped in my mind is, like, also, I mean, yes, like you said, in your truck, having whatever product she uses, whether, ask her. I've switched to a menstrual cup as of the past year, and I really enjoy that, and I'll use tampon still for a situation we were just in.
But also having extra products or for daughters, like, if you know, just having a spare change of clothes or product, whatever product she's using, available in your car, truck, whatever, or if you're going somewhere. And just know, like, it's a huge learning curve once the young girls get their period of, like, you, it's, it's a rite of passage. You're 100 different after that. You just are, and how to operate in the world and be prepared and have an understanding about what's going on.
This is, like, a huge thing for daughters, and I would love to be able to just blast this out to all the girls in the world so they can have a deeper understanding of what's going to happen or is happening.
Doug Holt 37:41
Oh, we'll do our best. Make sure we get to share this as many people as we—
Erin Holt 37:44
Can.
Doug Holt 37:45
As always, thank you for all you do for our family. I mean, you support me to do this, so I can help men and their families, and getting this message out there for these guys to support their wives. I really appreciate—
Erin Holt 37:55
It. I appreciate men being open to this conversation and wanting to know more. I get asked about this quite a lot within TPM, and so I know there's a hunger for it and a deep desire to understand from a place of love.
Doug Holt 38:08
Absolutely, gentlemen. As I often say, the moment of insight, take massive action, and this is no different, right? This gives you knowledge. You know that whole thing we grew up is knowledge is power, and this gives you power to support your partner.
And like Aaron and I, we actually plan our schedules around this to the best of our ability. We're going to Spain for a couple weeks, and we look at that calendar to see what's it going to be like. You know, are we going to have a lot of fun and energy, or there's, or is there time that we need to account for for some downtime and a little more relaxation, or that I'm going to take the kids somewhere?
And it's just another way to show love, support, and caring, and also a better way for you to understand what is happening and how you can apply what you want during the seasons and have those conversations that matter. So whatever you do, take action right now, and we'll see you next time on the TPM Show.