Episode #942
Ever feel like you and your wife are more like roommates than partners? You’re not alone. Over time, responsibilities pile up, communication fades, and connection slips away—but it doesn’t have to stay that way.
In this episode, Doug sits down with his wife, Erin Holt, to tackle one of the most common questions men ask: How do I reconnect with my wife? They break down the real reasons relationships drift apart and share practical steps to bring back intimacy, trust, and playfulness in your marriage.
They discuss the small, everyday moments that determine whether you grow closer or further apart. Ignoring bids for connection can quietly destroy your relationship, while simple shifts in attention and energy can rebuild it. Doug and Erin dive into why embracing your natural masculine leadership sparks deeper intimacy and how understanding the balance between masculine and feminine energy keeps attraction strong. They also explain why thriving as individuals leads to a stronger, more passionate marriage.
This isn’t just theory—it’s real, actionable advice that works. Whether you’re trying to reignite passion or simply strengthen your bond, this conversation will give you the tools to lead in your marriage with confidence.
Listen now and start making the changes your relationship needs.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
And then, when I find healthy ways of dealing with my anger, healthy ways of doing those other things that allow me to stay rooted and grounded—and lead our family, lead you—from a masculine place that feels really good to me and feels natural to me, then it doesn’t feel like I’m doing something unnatural.
Where it does feel unnatural is this whole pre-programmed belief that’s been stuffed down all our throats. And it’s the same for you and all the women out there.
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The TPM Show, and once again, we are blessed to have my beautiful wife and coach, Erin Holt, here joining us at the TPM Ranch.
Babe, thanks for being here.
Erin Holt 1:18
Love being here. Thank you for having me.
Doug Holt 1:20
Yeah, I love having you here too. And of course, the guys—coming off of The Alpha Reset recently—it’s one of our flagship experiential events. 99% of the guys say it’s life-changing, if not 100%. I can’t think of anybody that hasn’t.
One of the elements that guys like so much is that on the third day, you come in and give them a woman’s point of view. I wasn’t here for this last one—Coach Mark Smith directed it, and I wanted to give him space and give you space to do it. But he was telling me, and so was David Ryan, who volunteered at the event, how amazing it was.
David was saying the guys were at the edge of their seats. It’s fun to see these guys leaning forward. They’ve just come off this experience, and now you can share all the knowledge you’ve gained from coaching women for so long, from a woman’s perspective.
Erin Holt 1:38
Yeah, it’s one of my favorite things to do, too. I really, really appreciate it and love going in and being given the time and space to speak to the men and collaborate with you guys and the coaches.
It’s really, really fun, and also, it’s been really effective.
Doug Holt 1:56
I wasn’t going to share this, but I will. Our next big event is in Breckenridge, and you’re coming—and so are the kids. But you’re also going to speak to the men.
Nobody knows this yet, right?
I’m not sure when this episode is going to come out, but if it comes out before Breck, the guys are going to be super excited. We have over 50 men attending this next event. From what I was told, we have a waiting list of over 15 men. So now, if this comes out before the event and they find out you’re going to be there dropping some knowledge, that waiting list is going to get much bigger. But what I want to talk about today is some of the common questions guys ask you at these events when they have the opportunity to sit in front of someone like you.
One question I hear all the time is: How can I get more connected with my wife?
What’s your answer to that?
Erin Holt 2:45
Oh gosh, that is definitely a question I hear every single time, and I love it because it comes from a genuine place—from their heart. They genuinely want to be connected to their wife more.
Whether it’s coming from a place of deep disconnection after years of raising kids, busy jobs, and all the things that can happen, one of the first things I have them do is be really honest about how they are showing up.
We’re constantly making bids for connection with our partners. But as time goes on, we can become more numb to that. And I ask them, Are you honestly paying attention to your partner’s bids for connection?
Sometimes, these bids can be really simple things. Like, I could say, “Hey babe, I went skiing today, and I went down my first Black Diamond since I was in my teens.” And if you responded with, “Oh, awesome. So I had this meeting…” I would be left feeling like, I just wanted to share something that brought me joy with my partner.
Because usually, when we have something exciting, sad, big, or scary happen, we want to go to our person and share it. But over years of bids being ignored or not paid attention to, it becomes death by a thousand cuts. And we just shut down.
But that safety—the decision to stop sharing—has a cost. A huge cost. If you think, Well, I’m just not going to share myself anymore. I’m going to keep my heart closed around you, that leads to deep disconnection. Lack of intimacy. Operating as roommates—just running the business of your house and family, while inside, both people are hurting.
Playing it safe in a relationship has a huge cost. It takes courage to be vulnerable. It takes courage to keep your heart open. It takes courage to bring up the hard conversations. But over and over again, those conversations need to happen in order to have the deep connection that we all dream about, that we truly desire—the kind of connection we see in movies and think we might find with someone else.
Maybe, for six months, when it’s hot and heavy, and hormones are running the show. But unless you’re willing to do the work—and if you’re listening to this, you’re either a man who’s done The Powerful Man or very interested in doing it—you have to do the work to really look at yourself. Heal what needs to be healed with love. Be honest with yourself. Recognize that you are bringing in patterns and subconscious programming into your relationship that are not serving you.
The people who have the best connections are the ones who are willing to be vulnerable, keep their heart open, and take charge by starting those hard conversations. If you and your wife are struggling—there is no long-term relationship that hasn’t gone through a hard time, including our own. I think the strongest relationships are actually the ones that have come out of some of the darkest days. Because it forces you to look at yourself and grow—if you choose to. And the ones that don’t? The ones that usually don’t change? They end up divorced. Not always. But often.
Some of the best relationships are between people who have gone through very dark times, who were willing to say, Okay, we created this together. What do we need to do—individually and as a couple—to heal and create what we actually want? And those couples end up coming so much closer together.
Doug Holt 6:19
Yeah, no, I think it’s well said. I think the guys also need to realize that if their woman isn’t sharing with them, isn’t connecting with them, she’s going to find that connection somewhere else, right? And it goes both ways.
But from my side, from a man’s point of view—when a guy says, “Hey, I want more connection with my wife,” the first thing I would say is, Where did the connection get lost? What are you not doing? Are you not being vulnerable? Are you not sharing yourself? Or, like the Black Diamond skiing example—are you not getting into her world?
I always talk about how I’m always paying attention to the books you’re reading, the people you hang out with—trying to get into your world. Realizing that you, Erin Holt, the person sitting here today, is not the same Erin Holt who was here six months ago, a year ago, or ten years ago.
Erin Holt 7:28
So different.
Doug Holt 7:30
Yeah, right? But if I wasn’t clued into that, I would make assumptions about your actions and our relationship based on who you were ten years ago—or who I was ten years ago. And I think that’s a faulty assumption a lot of couples make.
Erin Holt 7:45
I think another thing that gets overlooked is—look, we can all get so freaking serious in our adult years, building businesses and raising families, that we forget to incorporate play into our lives—as individuals and as a couple. For me, I love skiing. It’s a short season, but I make sure that most Wednesday mornings, I go ski with my girlfriends. And could I be working? Could I be doing something else? Yeah. But it fills me up in a way that allows me to come back to work, to motherhood, and to my marriage so much better.
And I think it’s really important to have some fun things you do as a couple—whatever your version of fun is. Bring in creativity—take an art class, a cooking class, whatever it is. Something that’s not work, not kids, not planning your life—just something fun that lights you both up.
Doug Holt 8:22
I think that’s hugely important. I think it’s important to have your own stuff—like you going skiing with your girlfriends. And then having things for our family, which we do. And then you and I—we have a date tomorrow, right? It’s something we consciously try to do. Do we hit it every single week? No. But it’s something we work on—getting the babysitter, getting the kids ready. And we’re blessed because our kids don’t want us to go. They want to be around us.
Erin Holt 8:48
Yeah, probably too much. But we do have a great time with them.
Doug Holt 8:53
Yes! And we get to have our own time. So, I want to go back to something—I’m trying to put myself in the mindset of the guys listening. What are some practical things these guys can do? We’re men. We want practical steps.
“Give me the plan. I want more connection with my wife. My wife and I are disconnected, and I’m ready to take that first step.”
Erin Holt 9:09
That right there—that energy—that’s everything. The first step is bringing that energy. She’s craving—maybe not on the surface level, if there have been years of pain, disconnection, and hurt—but deep down, she is craving your masculine leadership, just as much as you’re craving her femininity.
We both crave that dynamic. And it’s there in the beginning for most couples—because it’s easy. Hormones are running the show. It’s easy. You’re on your best behavior, you’re sharing yourself, you’re listening, you’re engaged, right?
You’re interested in her. And you’re interesting. So, think about it this way: You’re so much more evolved now because you’ve created so much life together. So, reflect on how you showed up in the beginning. Did you pay attention? Did you listen? Were you interested in what she had to say? It sounds simple, but I also know that life gets busy, like I mentioned before.
Doug Holt 10:07
Hey guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode because it’s dawned on me that many of you aren’t aware that we actually have a book on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Thousands of men have read it, reviewed it, and I want to give you the opportunity to do the same. If you’re interested in grabbing it, it’s a short read, but it’s helped a lot of men—just like you.
And maybe you’re not interested in The Activation Method yet, but this is a small entry point that can really turn things around for you. Go over to Amazon—we have it priced as cheap as Amazon will let us—and that way, you have a resource that you can use right now to start getting results in your marriage. Now, let’s get back to the episode.
Erin Holt 10:43
Like, sometimes you and I get to be like ships in the night. We’re just like, oh, going this way, going this way. And then it’s like, if we’re not intentional about sitting down and having a conversation— which, if you would have asked me in my early 20s, I’d have thought, Oh, that’s crazy. But when life gets really full and we get a lot of responsibilities, one of our biggest responsibilities, I think, that we get to remember is, first and foremost, our relationship with ourselves and making sure we take care of us so that we have stuff to give to our people.
And then, yeah, you get to put in work to take care of your relationship and your marriage. And if you don’t, and you think you can just coast through and not do anything, we know what’s gonna happen. So that’s like, like I said before—pay attention to her bids for connection. Is she trying to share things with you? Ask her about her life. Ask her about her day. Ask her about, you know, Hey, are there things that bring you joy that you need more time and space for? How can we create that for you?
Especially if there are young children at home. Speaking from my own experience, I kind of went through the first few years of motherhood like—it’s so much, and it’s so new, and it’s such a huge responsibility. And it’s so amazing and incredible, and it’s exhausting, and it’s lonely. And so it was like, I would just kind of get stuck in a daze of days and days of just caregiving and not anything else for me.
And it’s like, that person—whether it’s the mom or dad—I can tell you right now, is not thriving. They’re barely surviving, but almost in a way, they can’t see out of it. So it’s like, now I’m in a place where Doug has updated our garage to the gym. Like, I work out three mornings a week with a group of women for an hour, so I have a full hour to start my day. I get up earlier and do journaling and stuff.
But it’s just for me. I’m much happier and a better person now. And it’s like, sometimes it feels like moving mountains to make those things happen for our partners, but you will get a better version of them. And let’s see, so other practical things are, yeah—like leadership, creating dates, creating time to connect. Going on walks is a really good way to connect. You and I do that.
Creating conversations around things that are hard, but also, yeah, like I said, asking her about her world, about her work, about her motherhood, about herself, about what vacation she wants to take. And then, it’s really sexy when you can lead—lead yourself well.
Doug Holt 13:04
In doing this, as I say for me, I’m certainly not perfect, but I put a conscious effort into it—like recognizing you when you walk in the door, right? Things of that nature, and connecting with you. Just there, I was on a call, or I had a message coming in from a client, a guy I’m working with, and you came in.
And I paused to recognize you—at least recognize you and your presence. Curious—this is a rhetorical question, of course—but for the guys, how do you think our relationship, our marriage today, compares to what it was, say, 10 years ago?
Better or worse?
Erin Holt 13:34
Way better.
Doug Holt 13:36
Yeah. So that’s what’s possible. I want the guys to see what’s possible on the other side—because we went through the dark tunnel, right? And a lot of the things that you and I learned during that journey, we teach the men in The Activation Method.
It’s helped thousands of couples. And you and I right now have put together a course called The Activated Couple, and we’re gonna go over some of that in Breckenridge with the men. You’ll be teaching, and I’ll be teaching and leading these guys to see—One, you gotta work on yourself.
But two, how can a man, specifically, and a woman do this as a couple and come out the other side where you and I—again, not perfect, but I don’t think anybody ever attains perfection in their relationship—are in a really great place?
And it’s a good thing saying that and feeling that way. And then, for me, it allows me to focus on going out there and hunting, building the businesses, doing those things—knowing that home base is taken care of. Home base being you and me.
Erin Holt 14:39
Yeah, and on that too—because I’m coaching women from the other side—really, my biggest thing is, your relationship with yourself is the most important thing.
Doug Holt 14:52
Yep.
Erin Holt 14:53
And it sounds really simple—but it’s not.
Doug Holt 14:56
Well, because we don’t talk about it, right? People think it’s selfish. Here’s your transcript with only punctuation corrections and capitalization updates, no rewriting.
Erin Holt 14:55
Yes. So really, I take women that are really high-achieving and really smart and really wonderful and really kind and really nurturing, but on the inside, they feel kind of dead, kind of sad, or like, Is this it? Or, I’ve lost myself in motherhood. I’ve lost myself in my marriage. I’ve lost myself in my work. And just like, Who the heck am I?
Yeah, even though it looks really good on the outside. And so, really, the other thing that I teach—and that I know you guys teach, and we’re going to be talking about in Breckenridge—is really honoring and respecting the differences between men and women. I’m going to do a lot of talking about that. And it’s just like, really, first-based knowledge of it. And I think sometimes we don’t realize how much, subconsciously, we expect our partner to—like, I used to kind of expect you to behave like one of my girlfriends when I told you a story, or like, nurture me the way my girlfriend would.
Doug Holt 15:50
How’d that go?
Erin Holt 15:51
Yeah, terribly. But you also talked to me like I was one of your brothers and treated me like a dude sometimes, and I was like, Wow, this feels awful. What are we doing? Like, we’re both smart, we both want the same thing, and it was just clunky. It wasn’t working right, for sure.
So it’s like—really, I teach a lot of women to first of all, even just respect femininity. We’ve been taught that it’s weak. Yeah, it’s weak to be feminine. And it is actually our biggest superpower. Hands down. And that’s been my journey, really, for the past 10-plus years—learning how to be in my femininity, understanding the power of it, delving into it, the different realms of it, intuition, the magic of it, and the superpower that we have, that we can harness.
And it’s so different than masculine energy, and it complements each other so well. It feels so much better to be operating in the world from my femininity rather than from my masculinity. You know, a woman that operates more in her masculinity—holding it all together—can we do it?
Yeah, sure. But we are burnt out. We are tired. We are depressed. We are anxious. And we are starved for pleasure. So many women are starved for pleasure. Yes, sexual pleasure, but also just pleasure in life.
And so, it’s like the overeating, the over-drinking, the over-whatever—the over-exercising—trying to fill voids with things like that when really, it’s just that they’re so disconnected from themselves and their femininity. So, I talk a lot about that in my coaching.
Doug Holt 16:59
I mean, I’ll tell you from my side, as your husband, watching you slip further and further into your femininity—I see you so much lighter. So much happier with everything in life. You being in that state—and I’m saying this for the men listening and the women that listen. We have a lot of women who actually listen to the show as well.
But that journey that you’ve been on—I’ve just seen you so much happier with life in general. Like, you’re soaking up more of life. And I love—as someone who loves you—I love seeing that within you.
Erin Holt 17:31
Yeah, and it just feels so much better. I feel so much more peace inside of me. It doesn’t mean life is easier—we still face the same situations—but I feel better. So, my perspective is much higher and broader. I’m able to look at things, manage myself, and manage our marriage from a completely different energy.
I look back at my little 20-year-old self, or my 25-year-old self—I was a strength coach in Boston, training pro athletes, doing all this awesome work. And I would just go home and cry a lot. And I had no idea what was going on then. But I was constantly trying to be in my masculine, trying to prove myself. And I was so young. But for sure, I wish I would have had the knowledge then, right?
Doug Holt 18:14
What we teach men—the name The Powerful Man is such a polarizing term in today’s society. We’ve had so much pushback on just the name. We have smart business people come in and say, “Oh, you should change the name.”
And it’s all well-intended. And this is a conversation I have with Tim all the time—We should be in the conversation of redefining what a powerful man is. It’s not this toxic masculinity BS—Not this beat your chest, have ripped muscles, whatever.
I mean, being fit is great, but that’s not a necessity. It’s about having that power inside of yourself. And what we teach the men is that when they change how they’re showing up as powerful men, their wife can change. I can also sit here and tell the guys—When you dip into your femininity, it also affects me.
And it’s not about you telling me to do something, or saying, “You should change this.” It’s about us coming together. And both partners have the ability to steer the relationship—by doing their part. And the crazy thing is—It feels more natural.
For the guys—and for you, and for other women I’ve talked to—being in their femininity just feels better for them. And it feels better for their partner. And it’s so weird—Because our society has taught us to fight this.
Like, I’m not supposed to embrace my anger, or my strength, or my testosterone—That side of me. I’m supposed to quash that down, be the nice guy, stiff upper lip—Just carry on, stuff it all down. And you’re taught to be more masculine. And neither person is happy. When I find healthy ways of dealing with my anger, Healthy ways of doing those other things that allow me to stay rooted and grounded and lead our family lead you from a masculine place.
That feels really good to me. And it feels natural to me. What doesn’t feel natural—Is this whole pre-program that’s been stuffed down all our throats. And it’s the same for you and all the women out there. Here’s your transcript with only punctuation corrections and capitalization updates, no rewriting.
Erin Holt 20:18
Yeah. So it’s all energy, and it’s actually like—the more that women can be in their feminine energy within their partnership, the more it gives space and energy for their man to rise into masculinity. So it’s actually like—men are feeding off our energy a lot.
So for women, if we’re really in tune with ourselves—we live in an energetic world. We’re very connected to intuition, the universe, spirit. So when we are really tuned into that and do things to care for that part of ourselves, we just operate from a different level.
And it gives our men space to rise up more into their masculine. And then that, in turn, gives us more space to be in our feminine. And it’s just the cycle that keeps on giving.
Doug Holt 21:04
I guess where I’m going with that is—I agree with what you’re saying. These terms—femininity, masculinity, power—they’ve been twisted so much by the media that they have negative connotations. So then, I get into this position of like, Okay, do we change the words? Or do we take a stand and just rewrite what the meaning of the words are?
That’s what we’re talking about. So babe, as always, thanks so much for being here. I know the guys love having you here, and I’m really excited to do this at Breckenridge with you.
Erin Holt 21:33
Me too! It’s gonna be amazing.
Doug Holt 21:35
Yeah. Gentlemen, as I always say—in the moment of insight, take massive action. So, what Erin’s talking about here is something guys ask all the time. Every time we put her in a room with the guys, one of the questions is, How can I be more connected with my wife?
All men want that. And women want that. That’s why we’re in relationships together. And Erin’s giving you the playbook, right? Here’s what you need to do. Go back and do it. Share this with your wife—this particular episode.
Share it with her and just say, Hey, babe, I want to have more connection, and I’m learning how. Tell me what you think about what Erin has to say here. And let her digest it. Maybe she agrees, maybe she disagrees. My experience? She’s probably gonna agree with everything Erin says. But maybe you’re in a position where she doesn’t want to because you gave it to her. But either way, you can affect it. As Erin said—come with the right energy. And we’ve talked about that a lot in previous episodes, so you can figure out what that is. But whatever you do—do something. You deserve the connection. As I always say—you deserve more than average.
Take the action. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
