Episode #853
Welcome back to another episode of The Powerful Man Show! Today, Tim Matthews and I dive into the ultimate relationship currency: attention. Discover how giving your wife the right kind of attention can make her feel cherished and valued, leading to a deeper and more fulfilling relationship.
We’ll unpack the facets of attention that go beyond just being present, and reveal how simple shifts in your daily interactions can reignite the passion and connection with your spouse. From active listening to prioritizing your wife even in the presence of your kids, we’ll cover practical tips and real-life examples that have transformed countless marriages.
Join us as we explore why attention is the number one currency for women and how you can leverage this to not only make your wife feel seen and appreciated but also to become the husband she admires and desires.
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Transcription
Tim Matthews 0:00
Give her the attention in the right quality in the right quantity. And she’s going to blossom and she’s going to open up,
Doug Holt 0:07
go up and hug your wife before the kids. Right? And the kids run up to you and try to hug you to say one more. I’d love to see you guys. One moment Mommy gets the first kiss, or whatever you want to say. Show her that she is the queen, the queen of your house. You’re the king. But she is the queen and she gets her first priority.
Gentlemen, do you ever wonder what the number one currency for women is? Well, today, Tim Matthews and I are going to talk about that. And not only the number one currency, but how you can actually use this to your advantage to not only make your wife feel better, but also to deepen your relationship. Once again, we’re back with Tim Matthews. Tim, great to have you here, brother. Brother. It’s
Tim Matthews 0:55
great to be here. You know, a long time.
Doug Holt 0:57
It has been a long time and a long time.
Tim Matthews 0:59
I think I’ve been here since October. Yeah. And it’s now July. It is missed it. Yeah, it feels great to be back. Well,
Doug Holt 1:09
today, we want to talk about the number one currency. And that number one currency for women is attention. So let’s talk about attention. Why is it the number one currency for women? Well,
Tim Matthews 1:20
there’s a lot of things that happen, right? When you give a woman attention, we’ve spoken on the show before about validation, and collecting barriers and the impact that has for a woman on being able to decompress, feel emotionally seen emotionally safe. But if we just zoom out from that there, there are examples of ways to give attention. But ultimately, when you actually understand a guy, when you understand the importance of attention on what it does for a woman, you’re able to stay and play with the facets of attention and really leverage them in the various ways they work.
Doug Holt 1:54
So let’s talk about those facets. How exactly do I give my wife attention? without seeming needy or with a lot of the ways guys come across? If following it around? You’re not talking about that kind of attention? Right. Good
Tim Matthews 2:09
point? No, definitely, definitely not. Yeah, I mean, I think as a truffle our guys fall into it is that they hear the need to give attention. And then they do it in a way that is often inauthentic to them. So one of the ways you could do it with your wife, which we’ll see you do very well with Aaron, thank you is just active listening. Right, which in itself is validation. So for example, oftentimes guys will take any little bit of attention that can get from the wife. So let’s say the guy is on his phone, and the wife then comes in and wants to talk to him. Maybe because we’ve been in a tricky situation for a little while, he just takes opportunity. But he’s actually present so might keep his phone in his hand and maybe looking at her and looking at his phone is still might continue to move as he kind of scrolls a little bit as he’s a bit preoccupied. In that space, he’s not really practicing any active listening in, in theory could should do. If he wants to engage with his wife at that time, then put his phone down and actually take a breath, get present and begin to collect berries like we’ve spoken about in the past. Or equally, if it isn’t a good time for him. Just say, hey, no, this isn’t a good time. But I want to hear what you’ve got to say. Just give me 10 minutes, let’s talk about this. But either way, the point is the guy has to get present, and be fully engaged to then practice active listening for the woman to feel like the attention is quality attention. Yeah,
Doug Holt 3:48
so what we’re talking about here is not following your wife around or making her the priority or being needy, because a lot of guys that are listening to this, either don’t know it or have become aware that they go into DEER mode, they defend the excuse, they explain they react, and they react to their wife’s energy. And if things are off in the marriage, they’ll go consistently, quote, give their wife attention. But the attention they’re giving her is more like, Hey, are you still in love with me? Do you still want to be married to me, things like that, that come across as really low valued, very needy energy. And what we’re talking about here is giving your wife your focus. Focus could be another word that could be on with a tension so that she knows that she’s a priority in your life. She knows that when she needs to talk to you about something, it doesn’t have to be every time but you are gonna give her your attention or you’re gonna at least let her know, hey, this is not the right time. So an example of that just to give clarification to the men is I might be working at my desk. My wife comes down she starts talking about the kids or something or girlfriend or one of her coaching clients is going through. I say Hey, babe, I’d love to hear about that. That’s right now I’m in the middle of something. This was Rick, come back in 30 minutes, come back in an hour, it’s come back tonight whenever it is. And I’d love to hear more. And it’s as simple as that. Unfortunately, what a lot of guys do is they react to that situation, they either stop everything they’re doing, or they’ll go, Uh huh. And they’ll keep working while she’s talking. That’s a big one. The third thing, they might do a snap. Okay, you see, I’m working right now, geez, you know, something along those lines. And so either those three will in those three that I just mentioned, will leave your bedroom at Desert, like you’re not having intimacy, you’re not getting laid? If you do those three, however, the one that you’re talking about, Tim, the fourth one, is choosing to completely give your wife your undivided attention or rescheduled for a time. You can. Yeah,
Tim Matthews 5:48
it makes a great point. You know, I think about the Alpha Decompression routine. Yep. That’s one of the reasons why we give the guys that routine, right, because it’s the same with the kids as well, obviously works in a different way. But they finish up their work there. The guy finishes up his workday. And before he goes in the house, he wants to shift this that we’ve spoken about using triggers and signs like, we’ve seen that decompression routine work really well for the guys, the guys just swear by it. But so they can do exactly what you’ve just said, give that focus, give that quality attention, because attention is the number one thing that women want from a guy. So it’s a very, it’s a very important currency. So if you give your attention to cheaply by being needy, your attention then becomes devalued. Equally, if you are on a mission or a purpose, it’s very attractive to a woman, because they want the attention from you. But because you are saying no, I’m doing this thing I’m going over here. They often want it man, obviously there’s a balance within those two things. Absolutely. But it’s when you understand the currency dealing with it. You know, in today’s world attention is the one thing that everybody’s vying for, right? And it’s the one thing that’s often diminishing over time. So if you’re able to leverage your attention, it can really help you stand out.
Doug Holt 7:14
Yeah, what you’re reminding me of is a conversation I recently had with a woman who happens to be a business owner. And I was in a group setting. And another woman said, Oh, how’d you meet your husband? She said, Oh, we actually met in Vegas. Okay, that’s an interesting thing. And she started talking about, yeah, we met him. And he was kind of like, all over me, we’re in a kind of a group setting. And she was like, I have no interest in this guy. The next day, he ignored her. And she said, Ah, and she said, I’m going to marry this guy. She literally switched in 24 hours, for I want nothing to do with this man, to I’m going to marry this man. And she said it. She looked at me goes, laughingly, she said, I wanted to make sure that I had all of his attention. And that was, it’s on par with what you’re talking about. Now, you can play with this a little bit in your relationship. But what I want the guys to get from that story is Hey, your woman still wants to be courted. She wants to be like you were dating, when you were dating, there was mystery, you know, she didn’t know what you were doing all the time. She didn’t know you know who you are with she there was an air of mystery. Now, I’m not saying you have to put that kind of air of mystery into your relationship. But you want some kind of mystery, some kind of a thought provoking thing where she’s thinking about you. And then when you’re with her and you’re present with her, she is your queen, she gets your attention.
Tim Matthews 8:36
Yeah, definitely a chrome when I first got with Amelia, and same thing happened, I wasn’t I didn’t know this back then. And I wasn’t trying to leverage this tactic, if you want to call it tactic. But I was very clear with it for the first six months. But hey, I’m cool with those of me, you know, every now and then, but I don’t want a relationship. I’ve got something I’m working on. I’m going over here and I’m good. And it came out later on that She obviously was incredibly pulled in by that and attracted by naturally she wanted what she couldn’t have. Right, it was the opposite of being very needy from a retention standpoint. So it’s, it’s huge is the same time if you’re a guy whose attention is elsewhere, in terms of sexual market value, and a high value man who’s got things going on in his life, and has important things going on his life and he’s taking care of things and so on. It therefore would mean that you don’t your attention is on other things as well. Whereas if it isn’t, you don’t have things going on. And she’s the the only focus in your life. And again, I can imagine how this might come across to some of the guys who are running the business and think, Oh, I’m doing that. I’ve got my focus and attention all my businesses surely, that should be appealing too. Well, like you said, there’s gonna be a balance right? If you’re going to go and have your attention, you focus on your business during the day that when you get home, hence tapping the sign, shifting gears decompression, you better make sure that same quality of attention you give your business, you’re able to give your wife when you walk into the darkness, when you give her that quality attention. She’s gonna want more of it as well, because you’re able to make her feel seen and heard. If you do it right, in ways that nobody else will.
Doug Holt 10:27
And she wants out. Yeah, she wants the attention from you. Yeah. So so how do you do it? Right? How can you actually give your wife that attention? Let’s talk about that.
Tim Matthews 10:36
An obvious one that comes to mind is regular debt. Nice. Yeah. sounds cliche sounds easy to do. Also easy not to do, very few people do it. But taking a lead on that and being realistic with what you can do. Maybe it’s once every two weeks, maybe whatever it may be was 30 minutes, you and Erin, I’ll just grab 30 minutes, right and just have a coffee and sit and talk. Not necessarily a debt per se, but it kind of is like a mini debt. It’s quality time you’ve got undivided, focused attention. So I think that’s one of the ways it’s really important for the listeners, if they’re not doing it to just begin to leverage How can I create those meaningful moments of undivided attention, beat through a date night, beat through a coffee and beat through whatever, where my intention is to give my attention, so that I can foster that feeling of being for my life to be seen and heard and connect.
Doug Holt 11:34
Yeah, and for guys listening to this, if you’re new, we do have a free, downloadable on how to plan the perfect date night gives you icebreaker questions, all kinds of things, regardless of where you’re at in your marriage, make sure you get that we’ll put a link in the description for you guys. So you can pick up that free resource. And I think also the importance about this date night is that she wants you to plan it. And guys, this is what I learned. That means she wants you to call the babysitter, if you need to schedule the babysitter, right? A lot of women take that on and most guys I talked to they don’t have the phone number, their babysitter, get the babysitter set up, get the restaurant reservation, you know, get all of those things aligned. And what my wife would say is, she wants you to help her pick out the clothes. In other words, hey, once you wear that sexy dress, or, Hey, what I want you to do is dress really casual today, or whatever it is, give her some feedback. So you’re leading her on this journey. And I also keep when I do date nights to him, I keep an air of mystery in it. Right? So my wife doesn’t always know what we’re doing. And that again, that just helps me keep things fresh and keep things alive. But she knows that she’s getting my attention even when we’re not on date night. Because she knows I’m thinking of her to plan this with her
Tim Matthews 12:43
key point, which is one of the next ones I was going to mention. Because it doesn’t always need to be a big thing like a debt. And it can do small gestures of attention. Like for example, if you know your wife’s favorite coffee, and you go into a coffee shop, and you think she might want one, just grab one for her. Right, bring it back. It’s a little thing of letting her know that. Oh, he’s thinking of me. Yep, I’m on his mind.
Doug Holt 13:06
Hey, guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode, because it’s dawned on me that many of you guys aren’t aware that we actually have a book on how to save your marriage without talking about it. Now 1000s of men have read it and they’ve reviewed it. And I want to give you the opportunity to do the same. If you’re interested in grabbing it. It’s a short read. But it’s helped a lot of men just like you. And maybe you’re not interested in the inactivation method yet. But this is a small entry point that can really turn things around for you go over and Amazon we have it priced as cheap as Amazon will let us and that way you have a resource that you can use right now to start getting some results in your marriage. Now let’s get back to the episode.
Tim Matthews 13:42
As you know, I recently put myself through a 21 day challenge with Amelia of finding one one where every day to show her that I love her in a way that’s meaningful to her. Now those ways that are meaningful to her acts of service, and quality time. Now acts of service come naturally to me. It was tough. It was tough. And it was that thing of quickly and easily doing acts of service without being asked that was the key without being asked. Oh yeah, absolutely. So looking for those opportunities, let’s say you know, simple things like so in the kitchen, she walked over to the surfer, and she forgot her water. And I could see it instead of just seeing it and not registering like I would have done as she just said pick it up and take home You forgot this. And it was incredible. Those tiny little gestures are so easy to do. So easy not to do. The impact that they’re made that compounded effect of that 21 day period that connection was just another level from that tiny thing.
Doug Holt 14:50
Great job
Tim Matthews 14:50
tiny great job yeah, it was tough. Got today seven Wow, this is easy got today, like 15 Shit If I’m gonna do this is hard. And then you start doing all those other things automatically, right? So the opportunities start to reduce, you have to think of other things and stay very present, stay very attuned locally of the community, guys. So I said, I’m gonna post a video to you guys every day, it’s almost self accountable, which I did. And because I knew I had to post that video, I therefore stay top of mind. Yeah, and I therefore found a way within that dad, some days he got to 10pm. But I pulled it out. But point being doesn’t have to be a debt night doesn’t have to be something big, could be a small gesture, it can have a profound impact.
Doug Holt 15:37
I love it. Love it, what’s something else the guys can do? daily
Tim Matthews 15:41
check ins. Different ways to do it different guys like different ways that again, could be very simple. It could be one sentence, right? I’ve seen you do with Aaron, just go up to her. You can sense she’s maybe feeling a certain way I should add the kids older, whatever. You might put your hand on the small of her back and look her in the eyes and say, Hey, how you doing? And she feels that you mean it? Right? It’s an example of a very simple check in very easy to do very easy not to do. Yeah, makes a big difference.
Doug Holt 16:14
Yeah, we’ve talked about several different styles of check ins on the show, one that I do when they you do anti tour, and I did a podcast on how he launches his partner every day. And then they they bring each other wherever they are in the world. So it can be super, super simple. Just real quick, I’m gonna give a simple one to the guys just so they have a one nugget. And I’m not saying this is the best way to say this a simple way, my wife and I’ll say, Hey, what’s your intention for the day? And really what it is the bid for connection? You know? And kind of, hey, what’s the intent? What intent Do you have? And the reason I like that for her one is it’s really easy. But two, it sets the tone for the day, you’re kind of saying, Here’s what I want out of the day, not what are you going to do? What are the actions you’re going to do? But what’s the intent? And it allows us to really understand where each person’s coming from, and the energy space there.
Tim Matthews 17:07
Gives you a great opportunity as well, at the end of the day to check in on that thing. Yeah,
Doug Holt 17:09
absolutely. Super
Tim Matthews 17:11
easy.
Doug Holt 17:11
Yeah. What’s another one we got here, Tim?
Tim Matthews 17:14
So we’ve called the debt knights covered the small gestures covered the check ins.
Doug Holt 17:19
How about The Hidden Motives Techniques are active listening? Yeah. So a way to, to reassure her that you she knows she has your attention? Because one thing, guys, we are great at pretending that we’re listening, right? You’re thinking about the football game, or whatever else is going on. And while she’s talking, maybe you hear this, like the cartoons while I’m on one, one, Charlie Brown thing going in the background? And she knows you’ve checked out Yeah. Whereas if you can do active listening, or what I like better is even the hidden motives. Right? If you can use that within the conversation, now you can get a depth of connection. That’s a whole new level.
Tim Matthews 17:57
Yeah, if you can get in the habit as well of intending some kind of curious for him within the right, because years ago, it used to be very easy for me to use hidden motives. And the guys fall into this trap, and the GM, what else? Okay, tell me more. And as they get levels to the game, right. And as they level up, they advance from not just kind of holding space and collecting barriers, to then engaging and curious questions to really find out more about the experience of their wife with whatever it is she’s sharing. And I’ve found ways of doing that with Amelia, you’re really good at that. I think you do a good job of it. Again, for me, it marked it. But when I asked me those questions from a place of genuine curiosity, because I’m genuinely interested, it just opens more and more and more. Yeah,
Doug Holt 18:54
I mean, who doesn’t want. Everybody likes their own story. Everybody likes to talk about right, Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People book, a classic. But that’s what it’s about. Like you get curious about people. That’s how people start to like you. Right? The same thing happens with your partner.
Tim Matthews 19:10
Yeah, great point. But all this stuff is very easy to do. Yeah. Very easy not to do. Again, I always say this a lot on the show, but I think the power of who you surround yourself with, like going back to the challenge that I put myself through. I’ve got the guy. Well, we’ve got the guys. Yep. Alright. Steel sharpens steel. Obviously, the listeners have this Sure. They could go into the FB Community and choose to do any of these things and post videos or pictures, questions post whatever. I’m really curious about how many people actually listening to this or watching this are actually going to take action on it.
Doug Holt 19:47
Yeah, that’s an interesting point. Because I know I used to go from one show to another show to another show, you know, 10 plus years ago, until I realized that hey, listen to one thing. Take Action mastery is the best at or better than volume, right by any means. One thing I want to give up as an interesting point sim, at least I think it’s interesting is if you’re not giving your wife this currency, your partner this currency, this currency is being attention. Some she’s gonna find it from somebody else 100%. So she’s not getting that currency that don’t want to keep using the currency as the analogy, your bank account is over withdrawn, probably. Right. And so then she’s going to have somebody else fill that bank account. Now it could be a girlfriend could be her parents, could be your ex boyfriends in high school, the guy on you know, Facebook, or Instagram or whatever else it may be. And unfortunately, guys, we see this so much we have literally 1000s of men inquire about our flagship programming activation method every month. And over there, we get to hear a lot of these men stories, where they’re at, and the guys that we accept into the program. You know, for those guys, we get to get a much deeper level. And a lot of men are doing what they think is the best thing, hey, I’m providing for my family, I’m putting my head down, I’m working my ass off. I’m doing so many things, only to look up and find out their wife is having an affair, emotional or otherwise, or has already had one. And she is checked out because there’s been no attention. The bank is withdrawn is overdrawn. You know, there was no overdraft here. And she’s had to find that attention to fill her cup elsewhere.
Tim Matthews 21:31
Oh, arguably worse, she with us? Yeah, he just kind of withers away, like a flower that doesn’t get watered, gets no sunlight. And a lot of the guys, the other side, that star with the guys who work with is the women end up becoming depressed and anxious and just a complete version of themselves that they just don’t even recognize, and they’d lack confidence. And they lack any degree of energy, really, in many ways. And it’s equally as hard to pull for the guys to pull their wife back from that place is is the other place it can be can be done quickly. But the journey isn’t easy. And but it all comes back to this piece of attention. Right? It’s not getting it because they need it going back to that flower piece. If you if you want a flower, if you put it in sunlight, and you just like nurture the soil it, it flourishes, it blossoms it opens up, it’s the exact same as a woman if you give her the attention in the right quality in the right quantity, and she’s going to blossom and she’s going to open up. And that bank account is going to have a very healthy balance. So that when you do come to make a withdrawal, maybe you initiate sex or you want to go on a boy’s weekend or whatever. She naturally wants to give those things to you. Because she feels so full from what you’re giving to her.
Doug Holt 22:56
I love it. I love it. This is such an important thing for men to learn on how to do this. Let’s give the guys a couple of action steps to take out of here. So they feel so these men can actually take this home and practice regularly, like yourself, right? For a lot of guys starting out. You know, this may feel awkward, this may not feel as easy the first few times because you’re in an old pattern old habit. And like yourself, Tim, we were talking about what you do with Amelia, that 21 Day Challenge. What can these men do that are listening to this right now?
Tim Matthews 23:28
Maybe they could do that 21 Day Challenge. You know, that was just 21 days of finding a way every day to show Amelia that I loved her in a way that was meaningful to her. And the two ways I know are meaningful to her, like I say acts of service without being asked and quality time. Both of which denote attention. Right? So not easy. It’s quite a big thing for the goal is to do honestly, because if you miss it, you’re gonna have to start again back to zero. I have some side and other challenge with Amelia that haven’t yet completed. I haven’t Starbuck a couple of times on that one. But I think that will be a biggie. Like if the guy just got that habit in place with 21 days. It could change you could change the entire relationship. Yeah,
Doug Holt 24:14
one of the things I just wanna make sure the guys know is Don’t tell your wife that you’re doing this. No.
Tim Matthews 24:20
Oh, no, no,
Doug Holt 24:22
this is a 21 day challenge for you. If you have a community of other men, whether it be within TPM or outside, utilize that, as you mentioned before, we do have a free community on Facebook, that you guys, anybody can join. Go ahead and go check that out. And you can find a group of guys there. Alumni guys in the programs have been through our programs. You guys all know the private community that we have off of Facebook. You guys can utilize that as your source. Another thing that I’m thinking, Tim, in this idea of how do you apply this attention, like what’s one thing that somebody can do? I think what you want to do here is really practice with other people as well. Right? If you are doing this thing we think of as multitasking, you’re not doing it right, you’re task switching. We’ve all heard this. But just completely focus, right? Just take the time to take a breath, count to five, and just listen, right and you’ll get the reps in, that is the key, you will get the reps in. And when you talked about the decompression, right, we have the thing we teach the guys, the alpha diff compression, you can add this in, I have one of the guys I work with, he does his Alpha Decompression on the drive home. You got to modify and fit things in your schedule. But part of that is I have him walking when he walks in the door, like a sign he touches the part of the door, right as it’s an anchor. So he’s anchoring himself grounding himself. And then if you don’t know how I’m doing this, but what he could do if this was the thing we’re focusing on, is you could say What’s one way in which I could show my wife that she has got she’s attention is one thing, but she’s the most important thing to me in this moment. Right? Go up and hug your wife before the kids. Right and the kids run up to you and try to hug you to say one moment, I’d love to see you guys one moment mama gets the first kiss, or whatever you want to say. Show her that she is the queen, the queen of your house. You’re the king. But she is the queen and she gets her first priority. I
Tim Matthews 26:15
love that. Yeah, I
Doug Holt 26:17
love that. Awesome. I love this topic, man. Thanks for bringing to the table. It’s great to have you back in the saddle. I love it. Love it. Yeah. Gentlemen, as we always say in the moment of insight take massive action. We’ve given you a number of action tips was the 21 Day Challenge. Whether you’re doing your decompression, or whether you’re just actively listening and pausing and listening to your wife. There’s a lot of gold here that Tim gives you. So I want you guys to actually pick one of these and drive it home. Gentlemen, make it an amazing week and we’ll see you next time on the TPM show.
