Episode #886
Is your lack of trust pushing your wife away? Ever feel like the more you try to keep your relationship in check, the more distant things get?
In this episode, we dive into how unresolved trust issues can lead to the very problems you fear most in your marriage. Doug Holt and guest, Christopher, unpack real-life scenarios where men unintentionally drive their partners away by letting fear and mistrust take over. They explore the ripple effects that mistrust has in other areas of life—business, friendships, and self-growth.
In this episode, you’ll learn why trust issues are often a reflection of deeper insecurities, how skepticism can show up in multiple aspects of your life, and how to take massive action toward creating a healthier marriage. Stay tuned for practical steps you can start applying today to break this damaging cycle and rebuild connection.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
Because he was pushing her away due to a lack of trust, it manifested into her having to go somewhere, which could be—although it didn’t happen and may not happen—another man’s arms. It could be another man, just somebody DMing his partner, or she could go to her parents, to a girlfriend. Either way, the fear he had with a lack of trust, and his reaction to that fear, was producing the exact fear he had.
Gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of The TPM Show. Guys, you are in for a treat. I have asked Christopher to stay with us for one more episode. We had a great dialogue after the last show. If you haven’t seen it, go back and listen to that first or watch it on YouTube. Guys, on YouTube, we have a lot more extras on there, so if you’re not already taking advantage of that, go over to that platform. Hit like, subscribe—all those things you can do—but you can get more from it. You know, you can watch those shows, get more engagement, and see the mannerisms. But more importantly for you, Chris and I were having a conversation off-camera, and I wanted to bring it on camera because I think it’s got a lot of value. So make sure you stick to the end, because I’m going to give you a couple of ways that you can get out of the trenches and start getting some real results. Chris, thanks for staying around, man.
Christopher 1:23
Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for having me on here and doing this again.
Doug Holt 1:26
Yeah, yeah, it was great. I thought there was a lot of gold that you brought to the table last time. You and I have these conversations offline, and you’re really on the front lines as one of the advisors that talks to the men who are going through their stuff. Now we have two main programs within TPM. At the beginning phases, we have our relationship program that helps men save their marriage without talking about it. We also have another program that helps men get unstuck and get clear on their next steps. But you brought something up with one of the guys you were talking to recently. Excuse me.
Christopher 2:02
Yeah, you know, we had a really good conversation. He was in a position where we were certainly able to help him with his situation, and he had a lot of resistance. He didn’t end up coming through and joining our program. He mentioned that he felt like this could potentially be a scam or that we were just here to take his money, which is understandable. I mean, I just met this guy, you know? We had only known each other for about 30 minutes, so I completely understand. But I think it’s an important topic to discuss.
Doug Holt 2:45
I think it is too. It’s funny, when you were telling me this, I said, “Hey, could you stick around? We could just film this and have this as a conversation,” because I probably would be that guy, right? Or would have been that guy. If the guys stick around to the end, I’ll share with you why I think I was that guy and where that comes from. But immediately, what comes up for me—and we have a testimonial on our website, and you know this guy—I’ll call him Gosser; you know who I’m talking about. He talks about how he felt TPM could be a scam. Then he says, “Then I went back and noticed that, at the time, I think we had 500 episodes of a podcast.” He said, “Man, if these guys are scam artists, wow, they’re invested, right?” Now we are at Colton, who films all these for us, masters them, and does a ton of other things. We’re at, I think, 880 or 890 podcasts or shows that we’ve put on for men. That’s one piece of evidence that TPM is not a scam. Two, we have hundreds of testimonials from men, just like the men listening to this—just like men like you and I—who are saying, “Hey, this worked for me.” That’s the logical basis of why TPM isn’t a scam. We own a 106-acre ranch where we have events and a physical location.
And the reason that I share this is not to glorify TPM or give people reasons. It’s because these are logical reasons, not emotional reasons. And guys should be skeptical, in my opinion. We have—just recently, I heard from a good friend who also coaches men—that another company went under, right? These companies that are men’s coaching companies—some of them are fly-by-night, or they’re run by unethical people, or people who fall and make bad decisions, and they’re up one year and down the next. We’ve been around for eight years that I’ve been involved in TPM. That’s a long time. I always know because my son wasn’t born quite yet, and he’s seven, so I just add a year. We’ve been around for a long time. We have about 36 people on staff. We own a 106-acre ranch. These are logical reasons you can give to a guy to show the validity.
However, when trust becomes an issue, what I always ask a guy is, “Where else is that showing up in your life?” That’s how I know I was that guy, and I’ll tell you in a little bit. But when I’m coaching men, and they have these similar trust issues, I smile because I know that this is the same issue that’s showing up in their marriage, and this is the issue that’s holding them back from the greatness in their marriage—the passion that they want. Their trust issues are manifesting in so many other areas that they’re actually pushing their wife away.
Christopher 5:41
Yeah, I’ve been that guy too.
Doug Holt 5:45
Yeah, I think it’s natural, right? All of us have been burned at one point or another, whether it be in high school or in business. I’ve been burned before by people that I thought had my best interest in mind. And so we naturally come into things with a level of skepticism. A lot of us do. Now, some guys don’t. Some guys have different hangups, but we can come into it. I’m talking about this guy that you’re mentioning with this level. You talk to him. I think you said another advisor was talking to him, and he agreed that the program could be a great fit for him, but he still had that hesitation, right? That gnawing feeling, probably in the back of his head, saying something to him like, “Yeah, but what if? What if this is the Nigerian prince that’s going to send… you know, if you send me $50,000, I’ll send you a million dollars in gold?” I think we all have that, to a degree. And I think it can be healthy, as long as it doesn’t stop you from doing what’s right. And for a lot of people, myself included—my previous version of myself, I’ll say, because I’ve done a lot of work on this, Chris—a lot of people, that same issue is showing up in their other relationships, and it’s holding them back from actually achieving success. They’ll be skeptical of what their wife is doing. They’ll question her whereabouts, question what she’s doing on her phone, question all kinds of things, and then they end up producing the result that they didn’t want.
Christopher 7:07
Yeah, absolutely. I’ve been that guy too, yeah, for sure.
Doug Holt 7:14
It reminds me, I was talking to a guy two days ago—one I work with one-on-one—and he was telling me, “Doug, I found out my wife wasn’t where she told me she was going to be.” And then he started sending me… well, I’ll just say he started sending me pictures of her journal and things like that. And I said, “Hey, first of all, you’re tracking her. You’re reading her journal.” And you know what his wife said? I talked to his wife, by the way, I talked to her early on when he became a client. He asked me to, and I talked to her. You know what she said? She said, “He’s too pushy. He’s always looking for something I’m doing wrong. He’s always trying to read me.” So effectively, he was pushing her away, and because he was pushing her away due to a lack of trust, it manifested into her having to go somewhere, which could be another man’s arms. It could be just somebody DMing his partner, or she could go to her parents, or to a girlfriend. Either way, the fear he had due to a lack of trust, and his reaction to that fear, was producing the exact fear he had.
Christopher 8:31
Yeah, and it just feeds itself, right? You think about the amount of pressure that that puts on someone in their day-to-day, to feel like the person that is supposed to be creating that emotional safety for you—and that you want to be connected with—is just constantly looking for something that you’re doing wrong.
Doug Holt 8:53
Well, I remember in a previous relationship, before my wife, I was in a long-term relationship with a girl, and I happened to own a fitness magazine and a gym at the time. There was a period in our relationship where she started accusing me of cheating, and I wasn’t. It just wasn’t who I was. But her insecurity started manifesting, and it was like week after week of her accusing me. You know what happens when a passionate woman accuses you—it’s like you… you know, the joke is, your wife has a dream that you cheat, and she rolls over and punches you, right? Of course, when I say joke, some of us have been recipients of those punches. But I got to a point, Chris, where she was accusing me of cheating on her, and I wasn’t. And I finally said, “Look, if you’re going to keep accusing me of cheating on you, then I’m just going to go do it because I’m getting punished for it anyway.” And what a lot of men don’t realize is that they’re doing the same thing to their wives. They’re either accusing them or acting as if their wives have done something malicious. Maybe they have, but they’re bringing it up over and over again with needy energy, which further pushes their wife away, and their wife starts to think, “Well, maybe I should be doing this thing, or maybe this is the right call,” because he keeps showing up with this needy energy, relying on me to meet his external needs like a mother rather than a lover.
Christopher 10:15
Yeah, absolutely. And it eventually just manifests, and typically, that thing happens—whether it be, you know, like you said, an affair or finding safety elsewhere, whatever that may look like.
Doug Holt 10:33
So when I think about this guy that you’re talking about, if I were to share something with him, first of all, I’ve been there, right? This is not a degradation on you or putting you down, but we get to look at it, brother. We get to look at where in your life this is showing up. Is this showing up in your business? Is this lack of trust showing up with your friendships? Is it causing you to only go an inch deep, right? I hear this from guys all the time, or I’ll tell guys like, “Hey, you’ve got friends, but you only allow them in just enough that they think they know you, but you know they don’t really know you.” And I’ll see guys shake their heads like, “Oh shit. How does he know?” Because I did it too. That’s how I know, guys. And they’ll do it in other areas. What about your business? Where are you not taking that big shot because you’re scared of losing something or people screwing you over? Or maybe it’s in your marriage or somewhere else with your wife. Are you not doing it? Now, I’m not telling any guy, “Don’t be smart. Don’t be skeptical.” I think you should. I think when it comes to what we do, which is helping men, when I look at anybody else that’s out there, any other organization, we have the biggest salt—the most historical evidence that we’re a legit, real company with a physical location, knocking on the door of 900 episodes of this show. We’ve invested almost all the money that we bring in back into the programs that we do. Hundreds of real guys—you could probably find their Instagram page or LinkedIn page—are real businessmen with real results. There’s a lot of solid footing there. And so the guy, once he sees that, he has to ask himself, “What’s really happening for me?”
Christopher 12:17
Absolutely. And you know, I agree that having a healthy level of skepticism is important. It’s just human nature and how we move. Typically, what I do in those situations is also ask them, “Where are those stories coming from?” Because most likely, you’re existing very much in your head. And if we can just slow down a little bit, take a deep breath, and get a little deeper into our bodies, and really feel into the situation, what does your heart tell you in this situation? A lot of men that I speak to are very disconnected from that space. Then those conversations tend to be a little more emotional and get a little bit softer.
Doug Holt 13:03
Hey guys, sorry to interrupt this episode, but the reality is, if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself, and I applaud you. You’re one of my people, and I want to give you the opportunity to take massive action. So, if you haven’t joined The Activation Method yet—our flagship program—do what thousands of other businessmen, just like you, have done and take action. Be one of the one-percenters that actually does the work and takes action. There will be a link in the description that will take you right to a page with more information. There’s no obligation; just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you. All right, let’s get back to this episode.
Christopher 13:46
So I challenge anybody who is in that space to really look at the stories that their mind is telling them, because the mind can play a lot of tricks on you.
Doug Holt 13:57
It was here at our Alpha Reset, which is our four-day transformational event that men attend at the TPM Ranch. I was talking to two guys at the end of their Alpha Reset. I wasn’t leading it, but I came in to say hi to the guys. Often, I’ll bring my family around at the end of events and stuff. And guys are like, “Oh my gosh, it’s real. You and your wife do love each other, and you do have a good family, yeah.” They say, “I thought it might be a marketing thing.” I’m like, “No, no, this is legit. It’s how I live my life. It’s not always roses, but it’s good.” I was talking to the guys, and one of them said, “Yeah, it took me over a year of listening to the podcast and other things to join.” Another guy waited three years. Every man says the same thing 100% of the time: “I wish I would have done it sooner.” And I get it. I’ve said that about things in my life, of course. But you’ve got to look at what’s holding you back. What’s the true fear? When you talk to this—if I was talking to this guy, I’d ask, “What’s really going on?” If it’s truly the skepticism, cool. Let me give you the evidence. But as any person knows—most businessmen know—people don’t buy on evidence. They buy on emotion and use the evidence to justify a purchase. So, what’s really going on for this gentleman? I would invite him to consider the possibility that the reason he uses skepticism is because, if he does this program—which has worked for thousands of other men—but it doesn’t work for him, what does that say about him? And then he’ll use some other excuse for not starting.
Christopher 15:34
I think that there’s a lot of fear in that statement. What do you feel like is on the other side of that fear?
Doug Holt 15:41
The other side being, what’s the real root cause of that fear? It’s an identity issue. They’re scared of losing their identity. Let’s say it’s a workout program, and this workout program works for Chris and has worked for thousands of other guys like me—my age or what have you—and I do it, and it doesn’t work. Does that mean Doug is a failure? Does that mean Doug is not good enough? What’s the problem with Doug? So, it’s easier for me to make excuses not to try the workout program—75 Hard. We have a bunch of people in the company doing 75 Hard right now, and I’ve heard murmurs of people going, “Oh, I want to do that. That’d be interesting.” Their fear is failing it. No one’s got a fear of starting it, right? It’s easy to start. Their fear is not completing it. Then you’ve got guys like Brandon on our team and others who have finished it. Well, if Brandon can finish it and I can’t, does that mean I’m a loser? Does that mean I’m not good enough? So therefore, I won’t even give it a try, and I’ll make up my excuses. Humans do that—we all do it. I think the key here is catching yourself doing it, laughing at it—you don’t have to beat yourself up—and then making a decision. Is this the best thing for me? I’ll just keep using 75 Hard, and for guys who don’t know what that is, it’s essentially a program where you take 75 consecutive days, and you do repeated tasks like working out, drinking a gallon of water, reading—I think it’s 15 minutes a day or something like that. Anyway, it’s something like that. It’s very difficult for people to achieve. It’s a lot of little things. The key is the consistency, right? So, if I don’t do it, I’m still safe. If I do it and fail, I’m taking a risk. That’s why I think most men hesitate about joining a program like TPM. They’re like, “Hey, a lot of men have done this and been successful. They’ve transformed their marriages, transformed their relationships with their kids. What if I’m the one guy that can’t?”
Christopher 17:49
Sure, and I think it’s important for those men to also understand that the path forward involves a lot of failure. Like, you are going to continuously fail forward in it. 75 Hard is a great example. If you start 75 Hard and breeze your way through it, like it was no big deal, then it’s 75 Easy. 75 Easy, right? It’s meant to be hard. It’s meant to teach you why you’re failing. It’s meant to show you, right? So, the expectation isn’t that somebody comes, joins The Activation Method, gives us money, we give them a high five, and then they move forward. There’s work on the other side of it. And every one of the men who has gone through it has failed in as many ways as you have. So, it’s okay. It’s okay to step in, fail, get up, and do it again.
Doug Holt 18:43
Well, that’s the thing, right? Because the men that we serve are businessmen, so they all have failed. Most of them have been broke as a joke many times, but yet, for some reason, in their psychology and identity, that’s a good thing, right? Fail forward fast—the Silicon Valley kind of motto. And it’s the same thing here. I think what most men miss is, if you had a baby and your baby gets up and tries to walk and falls down, do you go, “Ah, you’re not going to walk. You get no more second chances”? No, you encourage them. Or your kid’s learning to ride a bike. You encourage them every time they stumble because you know every time their feet slip off the pedals, they’re one step closer to being able to ride a bike independently and get the handlebars straight. I’m not too far off from this time period for my kids. The same thing happens with a masculine man learning to communicate with a feminine woman. There are going to be some ripples. Plus, you haven’t been doing this, so your wife needs re-patterning. She’s used to you being a buffoon, basically, going through it in her eyes. And again, to a guy that’s got trepidation about doing anything—whether it’s joining The Activation Method, starting 75 Hard, or starting a new business—you just have to go out and do it. And you want to limit your risks and do your due diligence. If there’s a program like The Activation Method and you’re choosing between them, if it hasn’t been around for five-plus years, don’t do it, right? Maybe wait. If it has, you should say, “Hey, can I see 100 testimonials at least, so I just know that this works for a group of people like me?” They should have that, right? That should be some basics. Do they have a brick-and-mortar location, or is it some guy in his basement just hitting record or putting up a website? These are big differences. If you’re looking for something that’s super established, you want to look for these key things. Your marriage and your relationships, for most men—we do the rocking chair test. For those that don’t know, picture yourself, guys, when you’re 80, sitting in your rocking chair sipping whiskey or a glass of lemonade, whatever you choose, and you’re reflecting on your life. What’s the most important thing to you? Almost all men will say their relationships, their family, right? Where on your calendar are you investing in your family? Where are you putting your dollars—your votes or your dollars? Where are you putting your investment into your family? And if you’re going to do that, my advice would be to make sure the people you invest with have an established track record, have been around for a while, and aren’t going anywhere. They’ve planted their flag, saying, “This is what we’re doing in the world, and we’re willing to put our time and money where our mouth is and invest in that because we’re taking a stand.”
Christopher 21:42
And I think TPM does that in spades.
Doug Holt 21:45
I agree. What matters to us—our mission—is to save 10,000 children by saving their fathers first. It’s important to us, and guys are always blown away when they get a chance to come to The Ranch and meet us in person or come to one of our events. We’re going to Prague here in a little bit to do a big event that’s more business-focused than the other ones we typically do. They always say the same thing, like, “Wow, you’re just like you are in the videos.” I hear it all the time. At first, I thought, “That’s weird,” when I started hearing it, but it’s really just… we show up as we are. A matter of hours ago, I asked you, “Hey, could you come on The TPM Show?” And you’re like, “Sure.” You asked, “What do I wear?” and I said, “Just come. We’ll figure it out.” I think that level of authenticity resonates with guys. We’re the guys you meet at the barbecue, right? The barbecue with other parents. This just happens to be an area where we’re experts. Another guy might be an expert in taxation or tax law—I’m not. But I’m going to go to him and ask him questions on how I can do better with my taxes, or loss prevention, or whatever else it may be. This happens to be the area where about 36 of us have invested, saying, “This is where we’re planting our flag. We’re going to get a location, have physical events, and help men.” Yeah, I’m going on a little tangent because I’m passionate about this, but this is what we do. And if I were a man looking to save my marriage or my family, or even just help my kids, these are the things I’d be looking for.
Christopher 23:34
Yeah, 100%. And then the question becomes, you know, in my mind to those men, how long are you going to wait to actually do this?
Doug Holt 24:01
Well, that’s the glory, right? Taking action. You can live in the dream and the fantasy for so long, and that’s another reason a lot of people talk about what they’re going to do. It’s because they’re so married to the feeling of the dream, they’re scared that if they actually do it, it won’t live up to the dream. So they’ll just save the dream because it’s safer.
Christopher 24:24
Yeah, 100%. But the magic is in taking the action, being vulnerable, putting yourself in a position to actually grow and have the experience instead of just dreaming about it.
Doug Holt 24:38
100%. Let’s end this one, Chris, a little differently than we did the last one. Let’s both give this guy one tip. He doesn’t have to leave TPM or do anything with TPM. But this gentleman you’re describing, who at the last minute—he’s at the finish line, essentially—he’s going to save his marriage, save his family, bring the passion back. At the last second, he gets that gnawing feeling in the back of his head, or whatever it is, that little voice that we all hear, and he decides not to move forward. What’s one thing you would leave him with?
Christopher 25:11
I would ask him to step away, take some space to himself, and really identify that voice in his head—whose voice that is, how many times he’s heard that voice in his life, and where it’s guided him to. Then, I would also ask him to take a deep breath, connect to his heart, and really dig into what his heart says. What does he actually want out of his life and experience? And start to differentiate between those two.
Doug Holt 25:47
I love that. That is great. I’m almost hesitant to give a second one. It truly is. I think all guys, whether they’re that guy or someone else, should take that step. Listen to yourself and really see where that voice is truly originating. The shortcut answer we both know is—it’s not your own voice, is the reality of it. After that, I’ll just throw in mine: as everybody that’s watched the show knows, I’m a big fan of taking massive action when you have an insight. And the reason being is at that moment of insight, you have leverage. You have clarity. If you leave a gap between the action and the clarity, you create space for the voice to take over. We call it the “stick man” or the demons in your head, or whatever else it is, that will talk you out of what you know is right for you. Men do this all the time with nutrition, with health, with filling their own cup, and doing something that they actually want to do in their lives and saving their family or marriage. They start to doubt themselves, and that voice comes in. Take massive action. If you’re interested in TPM, get on a call with Chris or one of our advisors. If there’s another program that’s better suited for you, do that, but do something. Don’t wait for “someday.” Someday never comes. It doesn’t exist on the calendar for a reason. It never comes. Take action now. Again, my life won’t change, gentlemen, if you join the TPM program, but your life will. If it’s not this, no harm, no foul. We put these out for free because we want to save 10,000 children by saving their fathers first. So do something else, is what I’ll leave him with. Chris, man, thanks so much for being here as always. I look forward to having you back on when we can get you back on, and we’ll do it again.
Christopher
Absolutely, brother. Thank you.
Doug Holt
You got it. Gentlemen, like the tip I gave, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Whether it’s this insight or whatever else you got out of this podcast. Maybe you’re like, “Hey, 75 Hard, that sounds interesting.” Take massive action. Look into it and then pick a date. Is there a reason you can’t do it? Is there a reason you shouldn’t do it? We’re always going to have reasons. It’s never going to be the right time. Joining The Activation Method—it’s a time commitment. It will never be the right time, guys. Now is the right time. So in the moment of insight, use that leverage to take massive action on that business deal or whatever else it is in your life. If saving your marriage is something you’re interested in doing, or getting unstuck and getting clear on the next steps of your life is something you’re interested in doing, then get on a call with one of our advisors. There’ll be information down below. Click it, take action, and find out if it’s the best thing for you. If it’s not, no problem, no pressure, but do something. We’ll see you next time on The TPM Show.
