Unlocking True Intimacy: Why Her Trust and Safety Are the Keys

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Transcription

Doug Holt  0:00  

For most women, intimacy needs to only follow after their safety and trust. It’s not just sex, guys, I mean, everybody wants a lot of great sex, but you want passionate sex. You want headbanging sex, where you’re, you’re having a great time having fun in the bedroom. Again, a woman first needs to feel safe with you. And at the powerful man, we often talk about how a woman needs to be seen, heard, and desired, she doesn’t have to second guess, is going to do something else. What’s really going on here?

Intimacy, do you ever wonder why intimacy just isn’t there like it used to be? Well, it’s probably not what you think. So for most women, intimacy needs to only follow after their safety and trust. And today’s episode, what I’m going to do is break down into three segments, how you can build safety and trust. And also if you stick to the end, I’m gonna give you three action steps that I wrote down, so that you can walk away from this episode, knowing that you can provide more trust and more safety so you can get more intimacy here, right? And that’s really what we all want. It’s not just sex, guys, I mean, everybody wants a lot of great sex, but you want passionate sex, you want headbanging sex, where you’re, you’re having a great time having fun in the bedroom again, and that’s what I want for you guys. And what a lot of times when we talk to women or my wife, who coaches women hears is it’s really a lack of safety. And she’s not talking about physical safety. And we talk a lot about that on this show. Because it was really hard for me to understand, I remember thinking about this way back in the day, when my wife told me she didn’t feel safe. It just didn’t click for me. I’m like, What do you mean, you don’t feel safe like you’re physically safe, I can physically take care of you. Right, never harmed or never threatened or physically or anything. And I’m, you know, I’m not the biggest guy in the world. But I’m, I’m a decent shape, that I can handle myself given a predicament, and especially back then when I was younger, and so I just didn’t get it. What she was talking about was emotional safety. And that’s the concept a lot of us guys don’t get. And what also is interesting is when you look at that trust, it goes connection. So what happens is a woman first needs to feel safe with you, after she feels emotionally safe, then she can trust you. And once she can trust you, then she can start to connect. 

And now you can start to build towards intimacy. You see, for us guys, we feel a connection after intimacy, we feel closer to our partner, usually after sex. This goes for most men. However, women, need emotional safety and connection. Before intimacy. It’s a catch 22. So you know, we need to provide that as men first you always want your partner to feel safe. I mean, oh guys I talked to you want? Of course they do. You want your wife to feel safe around you want her to trust you. But how do you do it? And how does that break down. And at the powerful man, we often talk about how a woman needs to be seen heard and desired. Well, the underlying current for seen heard and desired is safety. And again, we’re going to talk about that a lot more. So first, I want to talk about the link between safety, trust and intimacy, and how that all works. And again, I’m sharing with some stories and some examples between this link. But for a woman not to feel emotionally safe, right? When and what does that look like for women? Well, it could be that you have erratic behavior, it could be that she doesn’t know if you’re gonna come home from work with a ton of anxiety, or you’re coming home from the office as a business owner, you’re conscious about payroll taxes, what tax bracket are we going to be in how we’re going to reduce our tax liabilities? Are we going to make payroll? Are you going to get that good deal? Maybe you’re looking at gosh, I need to replace my head of product development or my sales manager needs to go it’s you’re stressing about these these areas. So you come home with stress or anxiety. And another day you come home super happy because everything you close the biggest deal, right to your wife, that’s erratic behavior. She doesn’t know who’s walking in that door. And your job, your role, your assignment, if you will, as we’ve talked about previously, and in other episodes is protector and provider. Right? So first, the providing you’re providing, financially, we’re also gonna need to provide a safe environment, a stable environment, right? Women want it to be stable. Now there’s a catch 22 It doesn’t mean you have to be boring or flatlined. But she needs to know what to expect. And know that it’s consistently safe for her no matter what she says or how she behaves. It is a safe landing spot for her. Now this doesn’t give her excuses to cheat on you to treat you badly. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about basic emotional safety, again, meaning your energetic output, and the way you show up are consistent. 

She knows what to expect now, even if it’s always anxious, that’s consistent, not ideal, but at least consistent. She can predict it. So your woman is always going to be in tune with your emotions with your energy because you are her provider and protector. I, my wife talk about this all the time with me Hey, all women are attuned to their men. They just are right. Even if they don’t like their math anymore. They’re attuned. So you need to provide that and have that safety. Also, how do you react? Or do you go into what we call DEER mode? No. DEER is an acronym we use as a TPM for defense. Excuse. Explain, react? are you reacting? Do you? Do you jump off the handle? If your wife says you didn’t do the dishes? Again? You do fly off the handle go? Well, I’ve been working all day. And why should I be doing the dishes when you’re home all day? Right? Do you get the idea? That’s a reaction. Like you’re reacting, she knows that she has triggered you. She has caused you to react to her words. Now she also knows look, if she can do that to you? How is she safe? How are you gonna be affected by other men, other women, or anybody else? You have no emotional stability. Right? If you start defending yourself all the time, are you making excuses or explaining over explaining that is, but specifically reacting? Reacting was one that I did a lot. And it’s one I’m always working on your ability to process and not take things personally, that provides safety, a safety net for her. So you have to stay at DEER mode right want to shoot the DEER Be the WOLF is an acronym for wise, open, loving, and fierce. And the park for safety. Right? All of those come into play the W for wise, Are you wise enough to know not to react? Are you open? Are you open to receiving feedback? Are you open to receiving her emotions, and her stories? And what she has to say? Are you being present? Right? really loving? Loving is pretty obvious is your heart open? Are you a loving human and fierce? Are you fiercely protecting your tribe, your, wife, your kids, and the things that are important to you, but also fiercely protecting yourself? Right, that’s also a really important one that a lot of guys miss. A lot of guys spend so much energy, taking care of or providing for everybody else, they don’t provide for themselves. And you need to come number one. In that situation, it’s really important. Because if you’re not taking care of yourself, she can’t feel safe, because she doesn’t know if you’re going to show up. 

Or you’re not going to show up as the healthy version of you emotionally healthy, right? Are you gonna be too drained? And we’ve all had those days, especially as businessmen, where it’s been a long day and you’re emotionally done, right? You’re checked out, you come home, you’re like, I’m fried, there’s just not no more I can do, that’s fine. But if you’re regularly coming home fried, you’re probably doing it because you’re not fiercely protecting your boundaries, or fiercely protecting yourself. And again, that provides instability for her in an unstable environment, which again, is not safe, right, it’s not a safe place. And therefore she can’t trust it, she can’t trust you. If you’re not keeping your word to yourself another perfect example, is if you’re saying, Hey, I’m going to go running tomorrow, and you’ve been saying this for a long time, but you never go running, she can’t trust you. Or I’m going to fix the sink, but you never do it. Or maybe you have these honey-do projects that you’ve agreed to do. That’s the key here, you’ve agreed to do these guys. If these honey do projects that are 70% done, or 50% done, right, she’s just not going to be able to trust you anymore. So you got to work with that. Another thing we want to look at is making this a priority, right making this a priority in your relationship. So that’s, that’s kind of step three. What I mean by that is you as the man, as the man in the house as the Alpha, you need to make the emotional safety of your home, one of your top priorities, you need to make sure that your wife feel seen and heard and desired, seen and heard specifically, all the time, right. And what I mean is that you’re present, you put your phone down when she’s talking, right, you’re not just on your phone around your kids, you’re not allowing your kids to act up, disrespect your wife, you don’t want that at all. You don’t disrespect your wife either. It’s just not something you should allow in your house. You also have firm boundaries and you respect other people’s boundaries. So a boundary list is to find this real quick. 

What I mean by boundaries in this case, is if you tell your wife Hey, we will not speak you don’t tell her that you agree with your wife mister that a different way means she agrees you agree? We will not speak to each other in a disrespectful manner. Right, In other words, don’t call each other names, and so on and so forth. If you’ve agreed to that, then she does it she calls you an asshole or whatever it is. You need to hold that boundary firm like hey, we agree not to call each other’s names. That’s not acceptable for me, nor is that acceptable for you. And you call her out on it. That’s respecting the boundaries. Same thing if you decide to do that right a car bitch or whatever it may be a she gets to call you on that boundary you violated the boundary therefore you’ve also violated try First, you haven’t honored your word. And honoring your word is so important. It goes way beyond integrity, although I think integrity itself should be enough. But really we’re talking about here as providing trust, providing a lot of trust within the relationship and safety within the home. She needs to know as the physically weaker in almost all cases, human and house, she needs to know that she’s physically safe, but also emotionally safe. feminine energy is flowing, it’s, it’s what we like about it, right? It’s a, it’s a Radek, if it goes up, it goes down with her hormone cycles and everything else.

It’s a flowy dance picture that a woman in a dress, flowy dance, if you will, that’s feminine energy, and she needs to know that it’s safe for her to be in that flow. And that she can bounce off the walls and act a little crazy if you will. And you can catch her, you can hold a container for her, right, you can hold that container for her to flow to her to be her real self. That is critical, guys, you must provide that masculine container, because otherwise she’s going to be in her masculine. Because if it’s not safe, your woman’s going to rise up and she’s gonna say, hey, look, I can’t trust my man, it’s not safe here. Therefore, I have to protect myself because he’s not doing the assignment protector and provider, maybe you’re providing you’re not protecting and protecting her emotional safety. So then she has to rise up and become more Alpha in her own energetic sense. Therefore throwing herself off. Now you have two Alphas, you have you who are who should be naturally in your Alpha. And maybe you decided to be a nice guy and you started to become more of a beta that causes her to rise up. And somebody has to be the Alpha. And that’s for most women, that’s not their natural place. Can they do it? Absolutely. Absolutely. When we can take care of ourselves. And that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that she wants an Alpha Man. Right? When I’m talking about Alpha, I’m not talking about this big macho guy that can, you know, wear leather jackets, kick down doors, smoke cigarettes, or beat people up, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about a guy who has power from within, who is stable, like an oak tree, right, he’s stable within himself. And he’s not going to be shaken by her words or by whatever else is going on in the environment. It’s just not going to upset him and get him tossed all over the place. And that’s one of the things we teach them through The Activation Method, our our proven eight-week program where we actually have a methodology to help guys get out of that beta state that DEER mode, and into the WOLF. And that’s why it turns so many marriages around. So you want to stay in this state, right? You want to be in and provide that safety. 

Now, the third thing we want to look at is trust through transparency and consistency. So what I’m talking about here, is we want to be you don’t want to be hiding things, right? This is all about trust. Right? You need to be transparent with what’s going on. So a lot of guys I talked to or you know, if their marriage isn’t working well. They’re hiding money, right? They’re hiding finances, or they’re hiding. Other things they’re doing actions you’re doing. Are you hiding, looking at porn? Are you hiding your drinking? Are you hiding drugs, gambling, I can, the list can go on, we work with 1000s upon 1000s of business owners and executives through our programs. So I’ve heard all the stories you can possibly imagine. I also get this all the time where guys like, Well, Doug, you haven’t heard my story, and it’s gonna blow you away. A guy who made $10 At our last event said I got a $10 at 10 bucks that my story is so different that you’ve never heard it. And he was wrong. And, and his credit, this guy’s amazing. He came up to me and gave me $10. And I was like, Hey, man, I know I was just don’t worry about it. And he said, Look, it’s my integrity. That’s important to me to give you this. And that part I did get I got where he was coming from, because I’m the same way, right? If I tell somebody, I want to bet you 10 bucks. And I lose, you should be sure that you’re getting your $10. But that wasn’t the point. The point is, I’ve heard it all before. And guys hide these things, right? They start hiding money. So how do you think I did before too, I started hiding my actions, I started hiding who I was talking to hiding what I was reading, because my marriage wasn’t working out. A lot of guys will hide the fact that they’re enrolled in The Activation Method. Or they’ll hide the fact that they listen to this show. Or watching it on YouTube, I would encourage you to watch this in front of your wife on YouTube, throw it up on your big-screen TV, and watch it. And she’ll realize once you could say this guy’s an idiot, or what have you. Usually what happens is when guys watch the show or throw it on YouTube, their wife, and they’ll watch this. And she’d be like, I’ve been trying to tell you this forever. I’ve been trying to tell you this for five, six years, 10 years, whatever it is. I’m just speaking guy, you and I are both men. I’m speaking man to man. And that’s why our methodology works. Because it’s for business owners and executives and speaks to men, I thought were different, right? As a species for some reason, we’ve lumped each other together. That’s just not the case. So you need to provide that with consistency. So the other one is consistency. Constantly manage your energy. That’s why we have something called the Alpha Decompression routine. 

Everybody, not everybody but a lot of people out there talk about morning routines. And they’re important, we have one we call the Alpha Rise and Shine. It’s a very specific morning routine. But you get that. But we also have an evening routine called it’s called the Alpha Decompression. And I won’t go into what that stands for, we’ve done podcasts on that as well. But you want to attune yourself, right, you want to get yourself re recalibrated before walking in those doors. You see, we work with business owners and executives. And you and I both know you never turn off, you’re always in work mode, you’re always thinking in the back of your head, about payroll fulfillment, legal compliance, and all kinds of things come up for you. And so you need to reset and go into husband mode, family mode, Dad mode, we call it the CFO, the chief fun officer, right? You need to be the chief financial officer. I just got a message from one of my one-on-one clients, just before we got on here. And he sent me all these pictures of what he was doing with his family. And then it was amazing. And I just typed in CFO, exclamation mark, and sent it to him. Because that’s right, he was the chief fun officer. And a lot of us get to bring that back in. And that helps with trust and consistency. We got to be consistent guys, you have to be consistent with this. Do what you say you’re going to do. It’s easy, you know, you’re home, you’re married, it’s easy to fall into this relaxed, comfortable state, I get it. But honor your word, honor your word, and provide that trust and safety with her. So what are some things you could do? Right? We know that by now trust and safety are paramount. You know that in order for you to get that headbanging sex that you want. And by the way, your wife wants it to boys, your wife wants passionate sex too. It doesn’t mean it has to last hours it could. But it means a passionate connection from the heart between two people who love each other. Right? That’s what all of us want. And she needs that. But she needs to feel that she can trust you. And that she’s safe. In order to do that, in my experience, and talking to so many women who are married and women who are in relationships in general, the women are a little freakier than the men, right? They just hide it because our society tells them if they act that way, they’re a sled or if they pretend to be this way into the sexual things. 

The reality is she probably wants to do this. She society tells her that you are she’s afraid you or society might think she’s a slut. If she does this, don’t believe me, Google or chat GPT up how many copies of 50 Shades of Grey were sold, how many copies, right? millions, millions upon millions. That book, if you guys look into it at all, is all about a dominant male, providing a safe environment. For this woman. Basically, it’s BDSM, right? So she is dominated she becomes a submissive, sexually and otherwise, to this man that she’s in love with. Well, women wouldn’t be reading this story, if it wasn’t a fantasy, if it wasn’t something that they wanted. And you can provide that. But like the guy in the book, you need to provide the emotional safety. And again, that’s how you do it. Right? You need to have that. And part of that is transparency, right? Being transparent, being real, showing her who you really are. Stop pretending stop trying to be a nice guy. Show her the real you. The truth is she can see you. We do an event here we call The Alpha Reset. It’s an amazing experience and men that have been to will tell you that asking you about you can see it on our website, the testimonials and such around it. Completely transformative. Most all men will say it’s the single most amazing thing they’ve ever done their lives next to their kids are even getting married. And sometimes more so than that. And it’s not because they don’t like their kids just it’s that transformative. And one of the things it does is it allows them to become more of their natural dominant place. They take their masks off. And what happens to this event is almost all the guys think that they’re fooling everybody. Like, oh, you can’t see that I did this in my past, oh, you can’t see this version of me. I’ll laugh I’ll be funny guy. I’ll do whatever it is. The truth is everybody can see right through them, the only person that are fooling themselves. And this is within life. If you’re doing business, you’re doing business with somebody and you got that tingle in your gut, like this guy. I don’t trust him. There’s something wrong, right? And no matter what he’s doing or saying, you just can tell he’s being disingenuous. Well, your wife can tell when you’re being disingenuous, she can tell your energy she can feel it off of you. 

So start being more of yourself. And if you need to find out, shoot, what is more of myself, like I knew I felt I knew myself and my mojo in my 20s or even maybe even early 30s. But I lost it somewhere along the way, figured out The Alpha Reset, get yourself to an The Alpha Reset. My life won’t change if you come or go but your life will I promise you that. But figure out what that is for you to be consistent. Doing what you say you’re going to do. If you say you’re gonna go running, make sure you go running. You say you’re gonna fix the sink, fix the sink. If you say you’re going to honor boundaries, honor those boundaries, and then be consistent with getting out of DEER mode, so stop reacting to everything she’s doing. Your wife will test you. She is going to test when your woman tests you what’s called a shit test or a fitness test. When she’s testing you, she’s really seeing if you’re really stable. Can she trust you camp? Can she really be free? And if you react, the answer is no. So she asked to protect herself. Okay.

So here are three action steps, what can you do? Right? What are the three things you can do? I’m gonna start them off here. I wrote these down. One is probably the most important one here is communicating better. Now, and I’m not talking about sitting on a couch therapy communication, we teach something called The Hidden Motives Technique, which allows you to provide an environment where your wife can be truly seen and heard. And a lot of times for the first time ever, in your marriage, truly seen and heard, regardless if she knows what you’re doing or not, it just allows you to have this communication style that you get to apply. You get to apply to do it. I mean, I know how frustrating it is right? As a man, when your wife says, You’re not listening to me, and you’re like, Man, I’m repeating everything. You’re freakin saying, Yeah, I’m listening. Because really what it is, right? Is she saying, You’re not hearing what I’m saying? underneath? You’re not really getting it? I remember how frustrated I was, I was like, I’m listening to every friggin word. You’re saying. What do you mean, I’m not listening? What do you mean, I’m not getting it, it doesn’t make any sense. I can repeat back. You’re just crazy, right? And, and that’s frustrating. As a guy, I felt frustrated, I felt like my wife was crazy at dinner stamps she was talking about, I felt like less than a man because I couldn’t figure this out, I could figure out everything else in business or everything else I was doing. But this component I couldn’t. The Hidden Motives Technique breaks it down for you. We’ve done a bunch of podcasts on this. So you can go to the powerful man.com. And just in the search bar, type in The Hidden Motives Technique, you get stuff there, we have a whole program just on The Hidden Motives Technique that we released, because it’s so important. It’s only 97 bucks, it just covers our expenses. For the most part, I’ll put a link or have someone put a link in the description here. 97 bucks, it’s like a nice dinner, and you can learn a skill that you could get the rest of your life. The Hidden Motives Technique is great. And I also wrote wrote a book on how to save your marriage without talking about you can get that on Amazon. Again, we put on the lowest price Amazon offers, I think it’s like nine bucks or something. You know, it’s like a giant Starbucks coffee or something. nine bucks, you get it and it breaks down parts of The Hidden Motives Technique. But the reality here, guys, is you need a version or a way to communicate with your wife. So she feels seen and heard. 

Okay, she has to feel seen and heard and then desired in order to move in this direction of intimacy with you. So you need to do it’s a it’s a no brainer. If The Hidden Motives Technique, although it’s worked for 1000s upon 1000s of men, isn’t your thing. We’ll figure it out what is right, you haven’t learned these communication skills of how a man can communicate to a woman to make her feel seen and heard. I didn’t write there was nothing out there. We had to figure this stuff out. And I struggle guys, man did I struggle. Now it’s second nature to me. I do it all the time. And my marriage has never been closer. My wife and I were just joking, a little bit more about intimacy. And she’s like, Yes, please. And that’s because I use this technique. She feels safe around me. She feels seen and heard and desired. It’s amazing place to be and I want you guys to be there too. A lot of our men get there. But it starts with using that communication style, like learn to communicate. Number two, establish trust building activities. What do we mean by that? Start doing fun things with your wife, right? Start doing fun things with her where you guys can both learn new things you can get yourself out of your environment, and she can trust that you’re going to take care of things. So here’s a typical, you know, household conversation. You get home, your wife goes, Hey, babe, let’s go out to you don’t feel like cooking. You’re like God, it sounds good. Where do you want to go? She goes, I don’t know. Where do you want to go? You’ll know I don’t really care. While you pick. She was like, Well, I don’t know where to go. We’re What do you want to do? And you go back and forth. She doesn’t care. You don’t care. There’s no decision made. No decision. That’s not trust building activity. 

Here’s a better one. You come in the door. Your wife shows up. Hey, babe, go to bed. Go put on your nice dress. Grab the kids. We’re going out. You’ve already picked the restaurant. You’ve already done it. Right where you say you’re going to plan the vacation. You plan the vacation? You don’t she doesn’t have to second guessed entity. Do you actually plan to vacation? Did you not plan the vacation? You know the trip is going to do something else what’s really going on here. And then she starts to investigate places to go things to do, etc. Here’s a real world situation that happened with me right now it’s going on. So for our The Brotherhood, which is our one year mastermind group, and also the inner circle guys, which is just a higher tier of that. We’re all going to Prague in October. They’re probably about 4050 men. It’s going to be an amazing event. Prague. We’re all flying over there, it’s going to be absolutely fantastic. My name is stopped by Oktoberfest a couple days early in Germany, in Munich, but we’ll see. But we’re going over there. And my wife’s like, Hey, I’d love to go. I was like, Oh, great. You got you want to bring the kids and you can we can go before or you can meet me after, wherever you want to do. And she was thinking, let me think about it for a little bit. And she came back to me the next day. And I asked her, I said, Hey, what did we think about Brock? And she said, Oh, no, what do you think? Now it’s easy for me to say, Hey, babe, I don’t care. I love to see you there. You know, just just let me know what you want to do. That’s the same thing as the dinner. She’s testing. She’s, she wants me to make the decision for her. Right? So I say, Look, you know, let’s do this. You guys come ahead of time, we’ll go to Germany, we’ll go around Germany, and we’ll spend some time there. And then I can stop, I’ll do Oktoberfest, you could do it with me, we’ll get a babysitter for the kids or something. And then I’ll make my way to Prague, and I’ll do the event have a great time, I’ll go back to to Germany, and I’ll fly home and she would fly home previously. That gives her some context. Now she could say no, a traveling that far, which is I think, an 18 hour flight from where we live to Munich. It’s just a little too far right? With kids by myself on the way back, right going there having me there with her, not probably not a problem. But by herself with the kids just might be more than she wants to do. Totally fine. She can say that. But she’s looking for direction. And these this direction builds the trust. And that’s kind of an activity and other activity could do is pickleball. Or, you know, going out and doing things like that hobbies, interests that build trust, where you have to put trust in the other person to move forward. What’s the third thing? 

Alright, the third thing, the hardest for most guys demonstrate consistent and predictable patterns behavior. So again, going back to the first thing we talked about, when you’re walking in the door, are you decompressed? Or does she does not know what she’s going to get? Right? I’ve done this year where in the office space, the team here will talk about what we feed off your energy. Well, I got to be very conscious of the energy I brings. If I’m not stressed out, which you know, I’m business owner. So I can be stressed out. I’m a father, there’s all kinds of things going on in my world? Or if I’m anxious, or am I happy? Or what energy am I bringing into that environment? And the more I can be conscious about that and be consistent about that for my staff, the more it’s going to be enjoyable experience for them. Right and me. Same thing goes with your house, right? How consistent Are you being with your energy? Are you showing up? Well, that’s why you want to do the Alpha Decompression, you need to learn the hidden motive technique, you just need to it’s just I’ll just say it straight up, you need to master the hidden most technique. And you know, if you’re not in the program, 97 bucks, no big deal, just grab that and go for it if it is a big deal for you. I respect that we’ve done podcasts on it. And we’ve done over 800 And I think a turn 30 podcast at this point, I’m not really sure what number it’s a lot guys, we give away our information for free. The Activation Method is a proven methodology that you can apply all these things in a short period of time. But in the head most technique is really is a short a deep dive into this one technique. We need that you also need to stay in WOLF mode wise, open, loving and fierce. Be consistent. She needs to know what she’s going to get. So she comes to you and like the kids are being such a mess. You don’t want to say Oh, well do you want to hear about my day? Do you think kids is bad? Well, I had this happen this happened that’s reacting she won’t feel hurt at all. Right? You’ll you’ll hear stuff like you’ve never listened. You’re not listening, or things like that will come out of her mouth. So we want to be as be the WOLF. If you use The Hidden Motives Technique, it will look like this. She comes to you. She says, ah, the kids aren’t listening today. They had most technique looks like you go out there, man. That’s gotta suck. I’d imagine that being home all day, taking care of the kids. Not having any adult time. 

Make would make me feel really alone exhausted and not appreciated. If you said something like that, and it resonates with her, she I guarantee she’s gonna Yeah, that’s exactly what it feels like. And then she’s gonna melt into you as she’s complaining. And you can give her a big hug. Now she feels safe, she feels connected, she feels seen she feels heard. That could lead to intimacy. Now, you might want to give her some space to decompress. So she can have her own decompression time. And now you can really do that. Now if she has her decompression time she slips into her feminine intimacy is now possible. I’m not saying it’s gonna happen. But it’s now possible. Without doing those things that we’ve talked about during the show, it’s not on the table. She may have obligatory sex with you. He she feels like this is my duty, because otherwise he’s not going to provide for me anymore or protect me anymore.

You don’t want that the guys I talked to that get the obligatory sex. They just assume masturbate, right? It’s just, it makes them feel horrible, absolutely horrible. And none of us want that. We want our woman to want us to want to have wild hot sex to fulfill our fantasies, right? And we get to fulfill theirs. And the first thing is to starts with this emotional safety and trust. So guys, go back, look at these three things, get your communication style done, be consistent, slip out of DEER mode and get into WOLF and be wise, open, loving and fierce. Again, I’ll put a link below for the hidden motives technique. Just pick that up, go through that course, I’d love to hear your feedback on that as well. But have fun, right? At the end of the day. This is probably one of the most reporting relationships you’ll ever have in your life. And you need to be investing time into this relationship, building it and that’s just not like quantity time, guys. That’s quality time at getting better at being in relation to another human, which is your wife. So getting learning these skills. I didn’t have them. No one taught me. You know, it’s good and dating. That was great in the early years. But when it came to marriage, it’s a different ballgame. Right? And there’s no formula or there wasn’t. Now we do. We’ve had this formula. We’ve been around for over eight years doing this, right. So this is something you want to focus on and get through it. Gentlemen, as always stay in the moment of insight. Take massive action. We’ll see you next time on the TPM show.