Episode #906
Are you really being yourself, or are you wearing a mask to fit in, feel safe, or gain approval?
In this episode, we dive deep into the masks we all wear—why we put them on, how they serve us, and the heavy cost of keeping them on. We explore how societal conditioning, fear, and past experiences shape these masks and how they might be holding you back from true connection and fulfillment.
You’ll learn why taking off your mask can be messy and uncomfortable but ultimately transformative. The team shares personal stories, actionable steps to become more authentic, and insights on how to start the journey toward living as your true self.
Ready to drop the pretense and show up fully? Let’s talk about how you can get there.
Tune in to discover how removing your mask could be the key to creating the life you’ve been craving.
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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Transcription
Grant 0:00
Even in my experience, so many times I ask myself, like, why is this happening to me? So many times I would think, “Oh, my God, I shouldn’t have said that. Why did I say that?” And if somebody’s watching this podcast, there’s a trigger, there’s a signal. Like, why are you watching this podcast? Something subconsciously is telling you, “Good point, you know, I need to look deeper.” Yeah, I bet you that happened to you, because I know it happened to me.
Unknown Speaker 0:27
It did.
Tim Matthews 0:39
Welcome to another episode of the TPM Show. My name is Tim Matthews. I’m your host, and I am joined with—
Arthur 0:46
Arthur.
Grant 0:47
Grant, the trusting one.
Jared 0:52
Exodus.
Tim Matthews 0:54
Awesome. Yo. There we go. So I want to talk about the masks we wear. What comes up when I say to you, “Let’s talk about the masks we wear”?
Jared 1:13
Ironically, I go back to a podcast you and I did about Jim Carrey wearing the mask, and in that movie, he basically tries to get the girl, tries to get this, tries to get that by being a different version of himself. But when he fully embraces himself, pulls the mask off, and the world sees him for who he is, that’s when his light shines brightest.
Tim Matthews 1:35
My human girl.
Arthur 1:37
Yeah, as the mask sort of people wear in order for them to connect, they think, or to be accepted by society.
Grant 1:50
For me, I think a lot of people wear a mask out of fear, sometimes out of shame, sometimes out of guilt. Personally, it was out of the lack of ability to trust.
Tim Matthews 2:12
Yeah, I think it’s an empowerment, right? I imagine there’ll be many guys listening to this who would argue that they don’t wear a mask. Do you know what? To say that you don’t wear a mask would be to say that you are 100% authentic. Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that’s 100% authentic. I think being authentic can be a North Star that you’re always trying your best to live up to. Maybe they’re 95%, 97%, 98% of the time. But in my opinion, if you hold something back or you don’t speak your truth, or whatever it may be, you argue in that moment you were being inauthentic.
Yeah. So therefore, if you have moments of being inauthentic, whatever story you might tell yourself—well, “I can’t say that thing because it may hurt their feelings,” or, you know, whatever it may be—there are tons of stories, right? Again, I don’t know if you guys would agree, but to me, that would mean that in that moment, that person has been inauthentic. Not as inauthentic as somebody who completely wears a mask the vast majority of the time and totally bends and manipulates and all that kind of stuff.
But point being, the listeners, the guys that may argue, “Hey, I don’t wear a mask. What you see is what you get.” I’m just kind of bringing this up to argue the point that, listen, you will wear a mask, be it 5%, be it the majority of the time. So when I speak to guys, especially pre-reset, right? And yeah, we’re going through The Activation Method with them, and it’s the first few weeks. You can see through the mask. You can see it’s this projection, this defense mechanism.
And I love what Doug was talking about over the past few days about how oftentimes people wear a mask because, “If I wear a mask, I’m putting my representative out there. If they don’t like the representative, well, that’s safer because they don’t like this thing, this projection of me, so I’m still safe because I haven’t met the real me either. I haven’t been rejected, just this fake version of me has.”
But you’re never going to let people in. You’re never going to really live a meaningful, fulfilling life if you feel like you’ve always got to live up to somebody else’s ideals of you. Or you wear it unconsciously because you don’t trust people, or you might have this story of being this platinum kid, or whatever it may be, right? These are all masks, and I had a mask. I had a mask for a long time, a long time—decades. I didn’t even realize I had a mask, yeah. And it’s huge to understand what it looks like to wear it and to begin taking it off.
Arthur 5:06
Yeah. And I think you alluded to it. There’s different parts of this. You know, there are the subconscious masks that we could be wearing that we don’t consciously choose when we wake up in the morning to put on. Things have happened to us. We adopt certain attitudes, sort of patterns, beliefs, stories that then dictate how we show up sort of automatically, right?
And only through awareness, through growth, through consciousness-raising, do we then look back and say, “Oh, actually, that’s a story.”
But up to that point, we’ve been showing up with this mask.
Then we also have the masks of, like, “I need to fit in with this crowd. So who do I need to be?” That’s more conscious, right, in that moment. “Oh, this crowd is this crowd; I need to show up like this. Oh, but this crowd is another crowd; I need to show up like that.”
Now you’re softening and changing your masks because you think, “If I need to wear certain masks to be accepted by these people.”
Then the other part as well is like, “Okay, if I want to discuss something with someone, I may put on a mask to better communicate with them,” right? That can also be a manipulative tactic as well if you go too far.
So there are different types of masks—some more subconscious, some more consciously chosen.
Tim Matthews 6:26
Some more toxic.
Arthur 6:27
Yeah.
Grant 6:31
I’d add to that, you know, and I’m learning a lot on this journey, but I would say that for a lot of the men, the first step in true authenticity, being authentic not just for the people that they’re forward-facing to, but for themselves, is recognizing that they actually wear one or multiple masks, big time.
Jared 6:52
The reality of the situation too is, I think a lot of people end up wearing a mask initially out of protection or fear, whatever, but it ends up becoming their identity as well. They wear the mask so much that it actually overtakes them, becomes who they are, and then their authentic self isn’t really their authentic self.
Tim Matthews 7:13
Yeah, I wore various masks, you know. The mask of the athlete—I threw myself into football, soccer, and I was one of the best in the school, the captain of the team, and semi-pro and all that stuff, not professional. But point being, I got validation, I got attention, I got girls, I got friends, I got all sorts. And then, as soon as I was old enough, I threw myself into the gym.
But the reason why I threw myself into the gym was because I remember being out in a group of kids when I was kind of 14 or 13, and one of them made a joke about me being skinny, and it was in relation to being able to get one of the girls. I can’t remember the exact details, but I remember making a promise to myself right there and then, “I will never feel that way again.”
And as soon as I was old enough, I joined the gym. Prior to that, I was working out in my dad’s garage because he had some free weights and things like that. But it became a mask, right? Because, as the years went by and I started to get attention for having, you know, having arms or whatever it may be, I thought, “Oh, this feels good. This mask works for me.”
Yet behind closed doors, I would feel very different about myself. Then it was the mask of business, right? The mask I’d wear with my friends to be like the party animal or the fun one, or whatever it may be. And all this time, this was going on all throughout my teens and 20s. Luckily, I caught it in my late 20s. It was not enjoyable. Those masks, they were heavy. They were confusing, you know, always jumping from mask to mask to mask. Essentially, all of them were to get approval. Yeah, all of them were different, but they were all just to get approval, to be liked, to feel significant, to feel like the man.
Because without any of those masks, I’d never really taken the time to figure out who I was and to be able to self-validate and get internal validation, versus being so reliant on external validation.
Arthur 9:39
Yeah, I think, you know, there are different reasons we wear them. I mean, for connection, for protection—you know, defending yourself, protecting yourself from getting hurt, you’ll wear a certain mask. To connect, you’ll wear a certain mask.
And society plays a big part in giving us masks, depending on where you were born. The conditioning. You know, you can be born in the States, in Texas or whatever, me in South Africa, right? Society will give us different masks that we automatically walk out with. And once again, it all comes back down to awareness, which you said earlier on, which comes from growth—recognizing, like, “Hang on a second, how am I showing up? And why am I showing up this way? And is that true to me?”
And so, the minute—and you also said it, you said it as well—authenticity is the opposite of wearing a mask. And the irony is, we wear these masks because we think we need them. But actually, if we just get back to basics and get back to being authentic, we realize we never needed them in the first place.
Grant 10:49
You’ve triggered something for me, Arthur, because since I’ve been on my TPM journey, I’m very vocal about it to my small circle. I didn’t have a large circle—I don’t have a very large circle even now; it’s still small—but I look at the people around me, and that issue comes up: Are you being your true self?
Like, I look at them, and I think to myself—and when you said society plays a part in it, it’s really interesting because, like you just identified, somebody can make a comment as a teenager at a party, and you don a new mask. You could receive some significant trauma in your life, and that mask is literally crazy-glued onto your face, and that’s an even harder one to break through.
But it’s so interesting you said that because so many people that I see out there that aren’t seeking help or advice don’t even know they have this mask on. And if they don’t know they have their mask on, then it just starts to layer in the trauma, the problems, the issues, and the generational issues.
And I see a lot of people in my circle—even my own family members, not direct family because we talk openly about it now, but other family members that have gone through it. We all see them for Christmas, and I’m like, “Man, if we could just talk.” I just—you know, you’ve got to find a way. But they’re all wearing masks of some sort.
Jared 12:01
I think if you pivot too, and you can take your mask off, you can use it for good. So for me, you know, taking the mask off of the platinum child—”Oh, I gotta do everything right,” or, “Oh, I’m young and successful,” or, “Oh, I, you know, whatever the story I used to tell myself”—I can reflect now on that mask that I used to wear and go, “Oh, cool. That’s who I used to be. And you know what? That’s who I don’t want to be anymore.” So I’m going to recognize that, I’m going to acknowledge it, and I’m going to tell the mask, “Hey, stay over there.” I think that’s powerful.
Doug Holt 12:36
Hey guys, sorry to interrupt this episode, but the reality is, if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself, and I applaud you. You’re one of my people, and I want to give you the opportunity of taking massive action. So if you haven’t joined The Activation Method yet—it’s our flagship program—do what thousands of other businessmen just like you have done and take action. Be one of the one percenters that actually does the work and takes action. There’ll be a link in the description that’ll take you right to a page that’ll just give you more information. There is no obligation. Just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you. All right, let’s get back to this episode.
Tim Matthews 13:19
I think taking it off—the important piece is to become aware of how it was serving you. You know, I think the mistake I see a lot of people make—and I made this too, and I still do at times—is realizing I’m wearing a mask and then judging myself for wearing the mask and getting annoyed with myself. And it just makes the mask stick even harder, because that’s the energy from which the mask was usually created. A place of self-judgment.
For me, in that scenario of being skinny, I then looked at myself as not being good enough, right? So therefore, the mask comes on—self-judgment, self-hatred, self-criticism. So then fast forward however many years—20 years, 30 years—realizing that I’m wearing this mask, and I self-judge, self-criticize. It’s the exact same energy from which I picked the mask up in the first place.
So having that compassion with yourself to realize you’re wearing a mask, and to not beat yourself up, and to get curious about how that mask served you—whatever it may be, be it to protect you, be it to get connection, be it whatever it may be—is very helpful in being able to take it off.
Arthur 14:37
And one important point around that is to understand that the mask is actually stopping you from getting what you really want.
Tim Matthews 14:41
Yes.
Arthur 14:42
Whereas a lot of the times, we think it’s actually helping us get to what we want.
Grant 14:53
And it’s a compounding barrier, yeah. It just becomes a bigger and bigger and bigger challenge to take it off.
Jared 14:59
Well, you set the expectation too with this mask, right? You tell your family, “Oh, I’m this,” or you tell your friends, “Oh, I’m that,” and all of a sudden, it’s not who you really are. Well, all of a sudden, you gotta start self-sacrificing and doing things that you don’t necessarily want to do to maintain that mask that you didn’t want to put on in the first place.
Tim Matthews 15:17
Yeah, look, when you take that mask off, it’s going to upset people, because people have become used to expecting a certain thing from you, right? That’s the relationship that they have entered into. Well, they haven’t really entered into one with you. They entered into one with your mask, right?
So therefore, they expect you to act a certain way, or to be able to get certain things from you, or whatever it may be. So then when you take it off and you stop acting that way, it’s like, “Huh, hang on a minute. What’s going on here? I’m used to you giving me what I want. I’m used to you reacting in this certain way. I’m used to you always being nice to me,” whatever.
And they don’t—it can often create—it can often be very unsettling for people. But the right people, they’ll stick by you. They’ll get curious, they’ll ask questions, they’ll support you, they’ll be by your side, even in the dark days when you’re fumbling through taking the mask off. Because when you take the mask off, it’s scary. It’s scary to feel bare, to feel naked, and it’s not nice and neat, is it? It’s messy.
Jared 16:34
It can be.
Tim Matthews 16:35
Yeah.
Grant 16:37
Initially. But there’s a sense of fulfillment. There’s a point when you get there and you’ve done it, and you realize that, wow, it doesn’t hurt, and I’m not hurting somebody. The whole shift in your energy, your mind, your body, your soul just changes, and now you feel empowered.
Tim Matthews 17:00
I’m with you guys. Like, I think it’s absolutely worth it. I’m just—like, for the guys listening that are resonating with this, I imagine them entertaining the idea of taking it off right in those first initial stages. Because it doesn’t happen overnight. No, it’s not like, “Oh, I’m wearing a mask. I’m just gonna take it off,” like you’re wearing an actual mask. It takes some doing, it takes some recalibration, it takes some time.
Grant 17:25
It takes inner searching.
Jared 17:27
Yeah, yeah.
Tim Matthews 17:29
So how do you take the mask off? That’s what the people listening really want to know. Because I think we’ve all worn masks at times, and we’ve all had to reflect and go, “Well, wait a second. Okay, I realize I’m wearing a mask, but what do I do?”
Jared 17:47
If I take this off, I’m going to—story, story, story.
Tim Matthews 17:48
I think the first thing is you need to decide if you are committed to removing the mask. Are you actually ready to take the mask off? Because there’ll be a lot of people that say that they are, but you gotta be absolutely ready and willing.
You must have reached the point in your life where you’re like, “This is not serving me. I must change this.” At which point, in my opinion, you need to get some help, because we can’t see our own blind spots. I don’t think just talking about it is the way forward. Personally, I’m a big believer in somatic embodiment—processes that provide a man with a way of connecting to his energy, emotions, and body, so he can actually process the things that he’s been experiencing and suppressing the entire time he’s been wearing the mask.
Because he will have felt things. And maybe that mask is the mask of the nice guy who’s always got it together, you know, so he pushes everything down. And when he takes that mask off, he’s going to erupt. He needs to erupt in a very healthy way, in a safe space where he can do it properly, where it can actually be useful—so he can learn the lessons and shift.
So the first thing is to commit—to commit to the journey. It’s going to be a continual one, because there are going to be times when you want to put the mask back on and you have to keep it off.
The second thing is to get help, because you’re going to have blind spots, so go through a process that isn’t just around talking.
The third thing is, in my opinion, environment. Who you surround yourself with. You know, we often say steel sharpens steel, right? Because if, whenever—let’s say I’m around you, or Doug, or whoever—and I’m getting triggered, that piece of me that then gets triggered is a piece that wants to wear the mask again.
But the beauty of being around, let’s say, you and Doug, if you trigger me, is it’s a great opportunity for me—if I take ownership—for me to learn more about myself or where there might be areas within me that I still might get to heal. I still might get to take ownership of.
Grant 20:18
But I would venture to say, especially in my early days listening to the podcast, the guys out there are looking for a signal. It’s not just how; it’s why. And there are different types. For me, I had multiple opportunities to recognize that, holy shit, something’s wrong. Like, you know, your family member, you’re having constant battles at home, and you find yourself in that moment going, “Why is this always happening to me?” There’s a signal something’s going on.
We know what it is. You know, there’s that signal where you’re acting out in anger at your children, your spouse, your coworkers, and you get that pit in your stomach, like, “I shouldn’t have done that. Why am I doing that again?” These are all signals that there’s something deeper going on for you.
To your point, there’s a step just before, like, how do I take it off? It’s not that simple. We know, as men, we know something’s not right. It’s instinctive in us, deep down. Are you strong enough? Are you courageous enough to ask yourself that question, “What’s going on?” and then seek that help?
Arthur 21:33
Well, that’s why what I was going to add to your list is awareness, right? Because awareness is the first step to transformation. We say, like, you can’t change anything you’re not aware of. Once you become aware of it, “Oh, now I can do something with it,” which then leads on to, how do you become aware? Obviously, through growth, through outside eyes, and once again, it’s the people around you. You said it—steel sharpens steel—having other people look, give you feedback, and say, “Hey, you realize you’re showing up like this.”
That’s one of the most valuable and loving tools that we can employ because a lot of people are running around unconscious of how they’re showing up.
Tim Matthews 22:09
And a lot of people around them aren’t willing to tell them the truth.
Grant 22:12
Exactly, yeah.
Jared 22:13
You need a sounding board in your life that is willing to look you dead in the eye and say, “No, this is wrong. You’re better than this. You owe yourself to be better than this.”
On this past four—and I don’t know, four and a half years that I’ve been on this journey with you guys—taking the mask off, to me, is like the ultimate burn-the-boats test. It’s like, if I’m gonna take this off and show the world who I really am, there ain’t no going back. I gotta burn these boats. I gotta make this happen for nobody else but me.
Grant 22:45
I venture to say I totally agree with you. Even in my experience, so many times I ask myself, like, “Why is this happening to me?” So many times I would think, “Oh, my God, I shouldn’t have said that. Why did I say that?”
If somebody’s watching this podcast, there’s a trigger, there’s a signal. Like, why are you watching this podcast? Something subconsciously is telling you, “Good point. You know, I need to look deeper.” Yeah, I bet you that happened to you because I know it happened to me, and then it did.
Tim Matthews 23:17
So, colonel, let’s leave the guys with one action step.
Arthur 23:23
Feedback. Get feedback from those closest to you about how you’re showing up.
Tim Matthews 23:28
All right? From anyone? Like, are they going to be honest?
Arthur 23:33
Well, you know, in business, we say, like, do the 360-degree feedback. Get feedback from everyone, right? But go to some people that you really respect in your personal life. I mean, business is one thing, but personal life—go to some people you really respect. Could be an old teacher, could be a coach, could be a mentor, or whatever, and ask them, “What do you think I’m hiding?” or “How do I show up? What is your experience of me?”
You’ll hear a couple of things that you may not like, but that is how people are experiencing you. From there, you raise your awareness. From there, you can take action.
Tim Matthews 24:07
I think on that I’d add, I’d say to them, “Hey, I really need you to be honest with me right now. You’re not going to hurt my feelings. I need to know this because I’m in a tough spot, and I need to grow.”
And then ask for the feedback. I think if you pre-frame it with that and let them know that you’re not gonna take it personally and that it’s coming from love and all the rest of it, you’re way more likely to get an honest opinion.
Jared 24:30
Yeah, yeah. Be willing to burn the boats and be willing to understand the consequences of taking the mask off. It may, you know, crack a few eggs, but in the end, you’ll make an omelet. Be willing to take that risk.
Grant 24:45
I think the tone with which you ask that question for feedback—you need to be in the right mindset and the right tone—but the tone in which you ask the question will determine the tone of the most honest answer you’ll get.
Tim Matthews 24:59
Have some men around you who can catch you. Yeah, because you’re gonna fall, it’s gonna hurt, and it’s gonna be tough. It’s gonna be enlightening, it’s gonna be rewarding, it’s gonna be all sorts of things. You need some men around you who’ve got your back, who are on the same page, who are willing to walk into this tunnel with you and come out the other side.
Because, in my opinion, your wife, your partner—they’re not the person to do this for you. They can be alongside the journey, but not the person to be picking you up.
Grant 25:35
Arthur, you say to me all the time, “You use it or your true self.” If you want to really experience your true self, then you need to take this first step.
Arthur 25:45
And it’s a long journey. It’s a curiosity journey because there are so many layers to it. But the deeper you go, the better your life gets, the more rewarded you are.
Tim Matthews 25:54
I love the saying, “The longest journey you’ll ever take is from your head to your heart.”
Grant 25:58
Yeah.
Tim Matthews 26:00
As Dougie Fresh says, “The moment of insight, take massive action.” We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
