What Happens To Most Guys

Episode #323

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Episode Transcript

Ryan Peach  0:00  

How are you? Where are you right now? Like, oh, we’re pretty good. We’re on the phone. So I’m guessing that may not be exactly where you’re at. And as we unpack it, it’s like, it’s not good. But this is where we’ve been. And I’m coping. I’ve got things in my life that are helping me to stay busy. Like you’re saying, Would you rather continue to live with a cough? Or would you rather lean into actually solving this and never having to come back here?

Doug Holt  0:28  

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host and guest, Mr. Ryan Peach. Hi Ryan, how are you doing, brother?

Ryan Peach  0:41  

Man, I’m doing so good. So good. How are you?

Doug Holt  0:44  

I’m doing awesome, man. Awesome. For those of you that may not know, Ryan is an alumnus of The Activation Method, The Alpha Reset, and alumni who graduated The Brotherhood, who decided to change career paths, essentially, and work as an advisor helping others men. Well, just like you guys listening to this right now, because Ryan’s Been there, done that, and did a complete 180 in many areas of his life. And so Ryan now spends his time if you ever get on a call with somebody, from The Powerful Man, because you’re curious about The Activation Method, or one of our programs, it’s always alumni, all the guys, you get on calls with or guys just like you, they’re calling advisors because they just are advising on the next best step. So anyway, Ryan, thanks so much for being here, man. Always a pleasure.

Ryan Peach  1:37  

Yeah, it’s my pleasure to be here, definitely been there, done that, got the T-shirt. It was just such a wonderful opportunity to give back being able to meet guys every single day that was sitting exactly where I was. And in that place of, you know, I took time, it’s never been a lack of desire or effort to fix it. In most cases, what I’m trying to do isn’t working. So to be able to meet them where they are. But like, dude, I get it. Like, what made it so hard as I wasn’t, I was trying so hard and not getting anywhere. So it’s great to meet those guys and support them forward.

Doug Holt  2:22  

I love it. Right before we hit record, you were bringing up the conversation topic, one that you often hear, when guys do get on a call with you, why not push that forward?

Ryan Peach  2:33  

Yeah. So often when I talk to guys, again, a very similar situation to me for whatever reason, whether it’s time, finances, maybe it’s not that bad, whatever it may be,  I’m going to wait right, I’m not going to push this forward. Honestly, a little bit like insanity will go out and do the same things right will work harder to provide more. And then I mean, after the first of the year, I have heard from probably a dozen men that I talked to a year ago, and they’re still in the same place and still not able to get the results that they want in their relationship. And I’m like, cool, what have you changed? And there’s silence on the phone.

Doug Holt  3:21  

Yeah. Well, we’ve all been there. I mean, we’ve all been there in all kinds of areas, whether it be our business, which we have a new marketing plan or something. And at the end of the day, the bank accounts the same, relationships. I’ve certainly been there in the past, our health, fitness goals. We’ve all had that I’m going to get down to this weight or what have you. So it’s a common thing. You and I were talking about this a little bit. It’s the kind of definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Well, I listen to this audiobook. And audiobooks are great. They’re great to have, a lot of great information. So I’m not knocking out audiobooks. It’s the results you get. We’re talking about outcomes. Are you getting the outcomes you desire? Same thing with fitness? Are you talking about health and fitness, which I know a lot of guys can relate to? Most diets work. Is it just isn’t the right one for you? And are you working properly coming through? So what are the things that you’re hearing from some of these guys?

Ryan Peach  4:21  

Well, yeah, I mean, I think that that’s spot on. It’s so many of them, like, and I’ve read the five love languages, books, and now I know mine is physical touch and her gift. And so I’ve gone out, and I bought her all these gifts. And she said, Thank you, but why aren’t the dishes done? And I’m, like, going around and around. A  guy will say, well, we were just getting ready to buy the new house. And so now I’ve finally gotten to the other side of buying the new house. And she was happy for a couple of months, and now it’s right back into the kid’s area. Why aren’t you spending more time with the kids? Why aren’t you at home more? A lot of what I see with these guys is just like you were saying, it’s like when you’re sick, right? Like when you’ve got strep throat, congestion, whatever it may be, you can go to WebMD, right? Like you can watch a YouTube video on natural remedies for this than the other. But like, at some point, when it’s been 2,3,4 months a year of dealing with that cough, dealing with that sore throat, what do we do? we go to the doctor, right? We go to the doctor, get the diagnosis, and then allow them to provide us with the steps forward to get us well. And then it’s like, boom, a week later, two weeks later, a month later, like, oh, I’m in a better place. And it’s because we went to an expert, and they were there to properly give us the diagnosis and help us move forward. And ultimately, to like, they’ll give you that accountability, right? I want to see you back here in a week, I want to see your progress, I want to see that you’re doing what you need to be doing. For many guys, it’s tough to take that step to say I don’t have the answers here. Right, because most of the men we talked to our business owners or high-level executives, you have gotten to where you are because you’ve been able to be presented with a problem and find the solution. And so there’s a lot of frustration, guilt, and shame around. I am doing it everywhere else in my life. But why can’t I do it here?

Doug Holt  6:33  

Yeah, well, absolutely, and the funny thing about that, the analogy is about having a cough, right starts as a cop. I think a lot of and I know somebody who’s got this is the cop all the time, and they don’t even realize it anymore. So they initially started getting a cough. It was super irritating, right? They hated it; all of these things will go away on their own. And then eventually, it doesn’t; it’s something that they’re used to living with. And they just accepted it, subconsciously, to a certain level. And it’s until you get rid of that cough, you don’t realize, wow, how much better my life is? Because I’m just so used to it.

Ryan Peach  7:12  

Yeah, right. I mean, I have so many conversations with guys that we’ll start with, how are you? Where are you right now? I’m like, oh, we’re pretty good. Like, we’re on the phone. So I’m guessing that that may not be exactly where you’re at, and as we unpack it, it’s like, it’s not good. But this is where we’ve been, and I’m coping, right? Like, I’ve got things in my life that help me stay busy, stay distracted, and not have to deal with this big elephant in the room that’s sitting over here. Like I just don’t want to acknowledge it. Because it’s big, and it’s harmful. And like, I get it as it sucks. But like, like you’re saying, would you rather continue to live with a cough? Or would you rather lean into actually solving this and then never having to come back here again? And for a lot of guys, that can be a really difficult choice, right? Because now I understand how to cope with it, like, I’ve lowered my standards to be okay, and I’m the guy with the caugh. That’s fine. Right? But that’s, that’s not where we want to be.

Doug Holt  8:25  

No, not at all. Not at all, the worst standard is when you don’t even realize it off anymore, and that’s where a lot of guys fall into problems in this area of relationships with all areas near a relationship, in particular, is they don’t realize there’s a problem until the divorce papers are in front of them, or the wife telling them what they check the wife’s phone or whatever it is and seeing the messages from the new boyfriend or whoever else it may be. And that’s where it’s almost like, and it’s not another audiobook that’s going to help you here. This is not the case. These are like going to the doctor and having a heart attack; the doctor said, Look, unless you change your diet today, not tomorrow, today, you’re gonna die, right. And that’s a place where a lot of guys find themselves. It was funny, Ryan, and I want to hear about this from you. Am I just getting a call with one guy that helps us out in the movement? And we were talking about it. We talked about how there’s so much shame around this, as you mentioned, right, especially in the relationship category. And guys don’t talk about it yet. We can make all kinds of relate to these things that are happening. And because it’s, there’s so much shame around, and guys don’t want to admit that there’s a problem. Because they’ve equated it to, I’m not good enough or something along those lines. Many guys don’t raise their hands and step forward and really actually talk about and say, Hey, here’s an issue here. I want to get this issue solved. I’m going to get it solved as quickly as possible. So this is what’s going on. What do I need to do?

Ryan Peach  9:56  

Yeah, and often whether you want to call it a blessing or curse, I will tell you guys, like, I get it. Like, I get that this hurts, which probably hurts more than almost anything else in your life, and for these guys, we talk a lot around here about leaning into irritation. Leaning into agitation because in life, often we find ourselves something agitates us, what do we do? we run away from it, right? Like I don’t want to deal with that. I don’t want to deal with that annoying employee, right? I’m just going to go away from that, or I’m going to, my health is not where I want it to be. So like, I’m just gonna avoid the gym, I’m just not even going to go there. Because it’s just disappointing, so for these guys, I think, to encourage you for like, if you’re listening to this, why is that? Like, why are you here? If your relationship isn’t where you want it to be, like, cool, what are you doing to solve it? And be honest with yourself, right? Am I doing anything? I talked to a guy yesterday. And his response was like, and I’m hoping I’ve been hoping for a year that it would just go away. Right? I just wanted to not pursue it. Because I just hoped that we would fix it. And for a lot of guys that come to us, when I talk to them. They’re so helpless again because they’ve tried so many things on their own. And they’ve often been focusing on the wrong problem. Right? And so it’s, it’s like, you know, the house needs to be painted, but you got some hammer and some nails. So you just start hammering away and hammering away? Well, like, you look up, and you put 20 nails in the side of the house, and it’s not painted? Well, it’s like, you don’t have the right tools. Are you not? You’re not trying to solve the right problem here.

Doug Holt  11:49  

Yeah, well, it’s just not taught. At least it wasn’t taught to me, and he started mapping straws trying to figure out how to fix the situation, and I felt like when I was in this situation in my marriage early on, there weren’t the tools there, and I just got frustrated. I tried all kinds of things. Okay. If I do more around the house, great, then she’ll be happy. Okay, that didn’t work. Okay. If I do this and then miss a workout, I just got frustrated, especially when I felt I was excelling in every other area. Like I was crushing it. And this area sucks. And it brought those other areas down over time.

Ryan Peach  12:32  

Yes, yeah. And that’s the same for me. I tell the guys all the time, and you don’t know what you don’t know. Like this, remove the shame from the situation. Because this is an on you like we live in an era which the divorce rate is 50-60% or more. And so even if you’re lucky enough to have a dad in the house, that doesn’t equate to how many people are staying together, because I talked to a lot of guys, right? Just talk to a guy yesterday, 38 years old, and he is content to live in this broken marriage till he dies. Right? How many marriages out there are like, cool, we’re together, but we’re not together. Right? So is 60,70,80% of those examples out there, just no example? Not taught it in school? I don’t understand this. So like, when you’re feeling that shame. It’s because, as men, we are fixers; that’s what often makes us so good in business. That’s what makes us so good in our health because we’re able to problem solve, and here you’ve never been taught this; you’ve never been given the tools. And so you’re like stabbing around in the dark, desperately trying to find your way out, and you don’t have a compass or a light or the tools to get you out.

Doug Holt  13:54  

Yeah. And then we start lying to ourselves, like this guy you just mentioned, he’s full of shit, right? I’ve been there all due respect, is he saying, Well, I’m content, my relationship. He would have been on the phone call with you. Right? So deep down, he knows he’s not happy. He knows he’s not content, yet, he’s lying to himself to make it soothing. I see my child. It’s like, he’s lying to himself to soothe the pain and make it easier. And it’s in that it’s really sad for a lot of guys. And then because that becomes the repetition, right? You start soothing in other areas of your life, and you start being, you know, okay, this is good enough. And you start living a life of quiet desperation. One of the things we talked about, Ryan, I know you’ve talked about this, too, is the idea of the concept of choosing your heart. It’s hard to fix your marriage is not working. But it’s hard to be in a marriage that isn’t working. Choose your heart, which we’re going to do; they’re both going to be tough, but if you just stay in marriage, that sucks. It’s tough. But you end up with a marriage that shitty if your wife sticks around. If you work on your marriage yourself, that’s tough. The outcome potential realities are huge, like the risk for relationships and future artists is just crazy. 

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Ryan Peach  15:58  

Yeah, it is. And I think you hit on something super important there, something that I bring up two guys on the call, they’re like, you know, I’m miserable. It’s been this way for a year, two years, three years, ten years. And, you know, I am content to just deal with it. You know, I’m committed, like, cool. Is your wife committed? 80% of divorces are just started by the wife, or like I love that you’re committed to just being miserable. Like, I love the commitment. I think that’s insanity in its own right, but like, I mean of commitment. And if you’re miserable, most of these men can tell that their wife is right. She’s always yelling, and she’s always upset. She’s always stressed. Like, I never do what’s right. I can tell you know, and some guys will say, my wife is biting. My wife has become bipolar, and I’m like, and like, Okay, I’m guessing she doesn’t want to live that life, either. And how do you know that she is committed to misery as you are?

Doug Holt  17:06  

Yep, and it’s interesting. It’s funny if you’re listening to this, and I was in a situation where I thought it was my wife’s fault, too. You know, we all think that she’s crazy. Maybe she is. But the funny thing is guys listening to this, and I know it’s not you listening to this, but for me, it was his you turn that mirror around, it was me. That was crazy thinking that was her issue and didn’t have anything to do with me. We were looking at that.

Ryan Peach  17:35  

Yeah, like, if you take a look at your relationship, was there a time that things were great, right, the sex was amazing. We were connected. We had so much fun. We were laughing, and we were giggling, and oh, okay, cool. So like, clearly, there was a time where you had this figured out, right? There was a time where like, whatever that crazy was, you loved it. Like you loved her brain too crazy. And so now, instead of because, again, like we want to push it off, right? We want to put it off on someone else, or we just don’t want to look at it at all. Spot on. Right? Take a look at yourself and be like, okay, could it be as the family leader as the man is the masculine? What am I not seeing here? What am I? What am I bringing to the table that’s causing this? Am I happy? Am I a joy to be around? That’s like, do I genuinely give her my attention? Like there’s so many things that you can look into. But you get to choose your heart because looking in the mirror is hard.

Doug Holt  18:44  

Yeah, and it is but again, choose your heart, right? Where’s the outcome of just staying in the same position? And staying the one I see the most right in this situation? And it’s something that I’ve worked on over the past decade? Is being on the fence, right? When you’re on the fence, should I? should I not? That’s the worst place to be right, either except cool. I’m not going to do anything in my marriage, and I’m not going to make it better. In life, this life of quiet desperation can be shitty, and my kids are gonna grow up having a shitty role model. Basically or I’m going to put in the work, put in the time, and put in the necessary resources to make a shift one way or the other. It’s going to happen, right? Again, they’re both hard to sit on. Your fence part is the absolute worst. You’re in no man’s land.

Ryan Peach  19:35  

Right? It’s forever like you will live there forever, and your kids will see that forever. Like that becomes the standard, the expectation that’s what they look for in another person. And then you get the double torture of watching them live it as well.

Doug Holt  19:53  

Yeah, well, we get to hear about some of our more seasoned guys, let’s say, in life. It’d be age if they’ll talk About that often if your son will either use you as a role model or what to emulate more than likely, that’s usually the case, or it could be the exact opposite. He hates your guts and doesn’t want to be anything like you. Your daughter is going to marry a man that treats her like you have with your wife. Has the love and relationship, sex life and everything else, like you have with your wife. Right? So that’s where the rubber meets the road for a lot of these guys, right when we talk about him, especially those who have been through The Alpha Reset. Love you guys. I know a lot of you guys listen to this still. They get a really clear picture of what it’s going to be like for their kids. You don’t do this for yourself, guys. You know, staying in a shitty marriage is not worth it. But if you’re not doing it for yourself, do it for your kids. Yeah.

Ryan Peach  20:53  

Yeah. And essentially, what we’re saying is low cost, and don’t just look at what it costs you. Right? Look at the whole cost of being in this marriage. Right? Often guys come to us, and they’ll say, I want to save my marriage. And I’m like, that’s great. That doesn’t get to be where your focus needs to be. Like, your focus, like, what is the problem within your marriage, gets to be solved. And you’re exactly right. When you begin to count the cost of it, cool. I’m miserable. I’m overweight, I’m stressed, I work too much. Even when I feel like I’m losing, I don’t like the guy I see in the mirror. My wife, who is stressed, overwhelmed, working too hard, feels unvalued, doesn’t think that I love her. There’s no relational connection, cool. My daughter, like this, happened to me. One of the things that came up for me in my process is going through The Activation Method. And now for resetting all that was, my daughter brought me a picture one day, she’s three years old, can barely talk, right? Like she’s just beginning to speak. And she brings me this picture, and it was like one of the first pictures she ever brought me, she brings it to me, and she hands it to me, she goes, I know, it’s not very good, but I wanted you to have this. It was like, what? At three, as I saw myself in that. She is just absorbing how I talk about myself, to my wife, to the people in my life. And she just doesn’t know any better than I’ve done. Like, I will not have daughters that live in this constant fear of being seen, fear of not being good enough, like will not have it. But that was the cost of where I was.

Doug Holt  22:43  

Yeah, it reminds me of a story, and I won’t say the guy’s name. But there’s a guy that joined the program. And for different reasons. So if his real reason wasn’t to save his marriage, although, anyway, it wasn’t his worry of just spending money, was one of the things hit in this get scared of the unknown is probably the real cause of this guy. And the trigger for him was his kids. When he saw his kids at a very young age, I can’t remember the age was three or four, maybe a little bit older, with severe anxiety. And they were mimicking exactly the anxiety that he had. His wife grabbed the credit card when he was on the phone and read it off the numbers for him. Because he was so in this shocking stage, that guy went on to be named brothers. So the brother’s brother, for those that don’t know, Ryan has received this award. He’s only given out two times a year. The guys going through the program, which other men in the program vote, and alumni currently in the program. Get to vote for this. So it’s not voted for by me or the coaches or members. It’s voted strictly by their peers. All the men way and this got one it Ryan, you’ve wanted as well, which is fantastic and well deserved. But it goes to show you that your kids are always watching. I see that with my son and my daughter now. They say the craziest things. I’m like, you know, where did they learn that from? Especially this time of the pandemic? I know exactly where they learned it from and learned from dad. And those are all positive traits that you want to pass on to your kids, and then it’s time to break the familial chain of whatever that is. And allow your kids to see a different opportunity. Yeah,

Ryan Peach  24:34  

yeah. Because they are sponges, right? And just, you can’t, and you can’t make them not be. That’s not something that we get to choose. We just get to choose what they absorb, and they absorb some of our interactions with them. But they absorb a lot more of the interactions you, I, we have with other people, right? This is how dad talks to mom. This is how dad talks to his friends. This is how dad talks to himself. They’re just, Okay. Great. That’s how I should react, and this doesn’t happen on the surface, right? This is like the subconscious, like, in their human-like deep inside. Again, guys, I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but I mean the value of counting the cost, the actual cost, and all the areas in your life, add that up, write them down, and then ask yourself, Is this a price I’m willing to pay for not taking action, I get that you don’t see the full picture of things I get that. It’s like the Wizard of Oz, right? You can’t see behind the curtain. And that’s frustrating and can be concerning and all that I get that, and you can see the curtain of your own life, you do get behind the scenes look at your own life. Are you willing to continue to pay the cost and to put the cost of your life onto others? If not, then I mean, unless you’re just okay with being that guy. You get to make a shift, and you get to create an action here from what you’re seeing.

Doug Holt  26:20  

100%. Ryan, I mean, you always deliver so much value guys, you’re getting a taste of this wasn’t our goal here, Ryan. We just want to get on and get on the podcast and the show. But you’re getting a taste of what it was like to talk to one of the advisors, and they’re all alumni. Ryan, who won the brother’s brother award, totally changed his career. And when he’s not on the beach in Florida with his family. He’s talking to guys just like you, just trying to help them out and get him in the right direction and let them know what the program that we offer is all about—going through it. Guys, get on the phone with him. Ask him how he ended up on the beaches of Florida. Fantastic story. Ryan would share with you guys, and we may probably even share it on a previous podcast that we did on three.

Ryan Peach  27:05  

Will you get a chance to share it? I knew for sure. 

Doug Holt  27:08  

It’s a great story, man. Well, you’re a great guy. Ryan would have one or two things these guys can do that they find themselves resonating with.

Ryan Peach  27:17  

Yeah, so I think number one is always getting a clear picture of where you’re actually at. So I think that that is again, guys. You will always hear me say slow down to go faster, right? We get running so fast that we don’t take time to stop and see where we’re at. And so I think in this analogy, it’s time for you to slow down. And I would write out just at the top of a piece of paper cost, right? What is it costing me, and then write it out for yourself? Write it out for what you think is costing your wife, write it out for what you think is costing your kids, you want to go deeper? What does it cost your business? How much money is it? Per week, per month, per year? To live in this state? Right? Have this sheet? The second thing is to answer a very simple question. Is this a cost? Am I willing to pay? If it’s Yes, fantastic, right? Then continue down the path that you’re on, and you’re good. If it’s no, then commit with yourself. I will take action from here. Right? You know you’ll hear us say all the time like I don’t care what you join, I don’t care where you go. Based on my experience based on literally living it, I know that this is transformational stuff that this is not just marriage-saving. Still, it is rectifying life-altering health saving, like geographical changing life stuff. And so stop trying to solve these problems on your own that you don’t have solutions for going to the doctor. That would be my advice. Am I willing to pay for it? Do I need to go to the doctor?

Doug Holt  29:14  

To amazing points. And guys, as always, I mean, I remember myself, I used to just listen to podcast podcasts or YouTube videos for YouTube videos without actually taking action. And I heard someone talking about this that specializes in sports performance, Ryan. What they were saying is it’s always easy to have a theory, right? So American football, it’s easy to have a theory on how to tackle somebody, right? But if someone’s running at full speed and they hit you, and you have the theory, that’s a very different experience from stepping onto the field of play. So, guys, we’re inviting you here, and you’ll hear me say do the work show up. Don’t use this as educational masturbation, all these things, but it’s a step on the field. Right, do the two things that Ryan said, layout, lay it all out. Most of you guys are ex-athletes who play flower like; this is the game where your life is. What’s your shot at? Man Ryan has always been. It’s always great talking to you, and I have the privilege to talk to you regularly. But I love everybody else getting that same opportunity. You’re an amazing guy. And I appreciate everything that you do for the other men and the movement, and myself and my family. So thank you.

Ryan Peach  30:22  

It’s my pleasure. And definitely, the feeling is mutual. And, guys, yeah, I’m excited for the conversations that I’m going to have with you guys. And so, yeah, do the work. Hopefully, I’ll talk to you guys soon. And, you know, you can always find me on Facebook, you know, inside The Powerful Man page as well. I’m always happy to jump on a call and talk to you guys or have a quick conversation back and forth. So hopefully, we’ll connect soon.

Doug Holt  30:49  

That’s a great one. So, guys, we want to find Ryan. Just go over to the Facebook page. The easiest thing for the Facebook group is the power; just search for that powerful man. You’ll find the group and even go ahead and grab Ryan, and there’s a lot of great conversations going on there as well. And coming up by the time you guys are listening to this, we’re gonna have a whole series for March. So you guys want to be in there and be active as much as possible. So gentlemen, as always, I appreciate your time. Have an amazing week. Take some action. We’ll see you next time.