Episode #846
In this episode, Doug shares a transformative story about a man who realized the impact of his actions on his marriage and decided to make a change. After years of being overly aggressive and business-like, this successful entrepreneur saw his marriage crumble and faced separation from his wife and child. Determined to turn things around, he embarked on a personal journey using The Activation Method and Alpha Reset programs to become a better husband and father.
Doug delves into the emotional highs and lows of this journey, addressing the critical question: “How long does it take for real change to be recognized?” He explains the patience and consistency required to rebuild trust and love in a marriage, highlighting the man’s struggle with his wife’s lingering doubts about his transformation. Through powerful anecdotes and actionable advice, this episode offers hope and practical steps for men facing similar challenges.
Tune in to discover how consistent, heartfelt effort can lead to profound changes in your relationship and life. This episode is a testament to the resilience and dedication needed to reclaim love and respect in a marriage on the brink of collapse.
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Transcription
Doug 0:08
So how long does it actually take? You see, I got a message from a man just the other day, and it went something like this. He was talking to me about his marriage. Now he and his wife had separated, and he wasn’t in a good place. However, he’d really been working on himself, and he had turned the tide. Yeah, he had been a jerk previously, in hindsight, in 2020, and all that. But now he’d been doing the work, and even though he’s been doing the work, trying to start that one over, Oh, take this one.
How long does it actually take? I mean, when will she realize that I’ve changed? Now, this is the message I got from a man just the other day, you know, the message went something like this. This man and his wife had separated. They had a child together, and he had gone and started doing the work on himself and realized kind of the error in his ways, if you will, and realized how to course correct. But at this time, there had been some damage, some collateral damage within the marriage. You see, he had shown up very aggressively, very business, like in his marriage, and that had pushed his wife away, and now they were separated, living in separate houses, and he hated it. It drove him nuts to realize that his wife is truly the love of his life, to realize that he doesn’t get to spend as much time with his child. Now, his child’s young, and he wants to be there. He wants to be an amazing father. Now, this guy’s a very successful businessman, very intelligent, but what he didn’t realize is, in the past, his success, his tenacity, he brought it into his marriage, which really pushed his wife away when he realized kind of the quote air in his ways, if you will, or the way that he wanted to show up differently, right? His wife wasn’t quite ready for it, right? She said, hey, look, we’re already separated. Enough’s enough. I don’t think this is going to work out. Fast forward a few months of him showing up again and again as the lighthouse, she started to get closer. They started to go on dates again. He started to go over to her house for dinners on a regular basis, but yet, she still wanted to live in separate houses, and this would frustrate him as it would frustrate anybody. And he was like, Doug, you know, we went out for a great date night. It was really fun. And then, you know, I dropped her off the house, gave her a kiss, and then she just turned around and went inside, like, when is this ever going to change? When is she going to realize that I’m the changed man? I said, Look, that’s great. First of all, it’s great for you to do the work.
There are two things here. One is, are you putting a finite timeline on this? In other words, are you saying that she’s the love of your life, but yet you’re going to give her three months to totally course correct, five plus years of you showing up, kind of like a jerk, really, overdominant and all the things that he shared with me, I said, Well, yeah, I can see what you’re saying. But just he’s like, I’ve changed, like, these changes I’ve made are real. You know, he went through the activation method for relationships. He went to the Alpha Reset, which is our flagship transformational experience. And he, in fact, went into one of our other programs as well. And because of that, he had all these reinforcements, all these changes have occurred in his life, all for the better. His business was doing better than ever, and yet he didn’t have to work very hard. His relationships outside of his marriage were better than ever. In fact, his marriage, in some ways, was better than it ever had been. He was listening in ways that he had never listened to. He and his wife were relating. They were having fun, but she still wanted to stay separated. Why is that? He’s like, it’s so frustrating. And then he sent me. Showed me a message that he sent her. I said, Wow, I could see there’s a little sting in that message. Replied to her. He’s like, Yeah, just I get frustrated sometimes that she’s not seeing me for who I am. I get frustrated sometimes Doug, because I’m putting in all this work and all this change that’s happened, and yet I’m still separated. I’m still at home at night by myself, or my son sleeps at the other house while my wife sleeps at the other house. When is this all going to change? And so what I explained to him is something I want to explain to you guys, because this took me a little while to really understand and get and I’ve talked about this before on other episodes of the podcast, and it’s really important to embody this now you see what was happening for this guy, and happens for most marriages is when the your partner starts to course correct, right?
So for him, he realizes that, hey, for the past five-plus years, he’d been kind of aggressive, kind of a jerk in the marriage. Now he didn’t see it that way, but he saw how he hurt his wife, and his wife confirmed and that’s why she wanted a separation. She wanted a divorce. Yeah, and he was able to save it by going through the activation method and making changes to just being a separation, right for now, and course-correcting. But what’s happening is he’s all of a sudden showing up as this amazing man, right, the man he always has been, naturally. You know, see the activation method and the Alpha Reset, we kind of strip away the BS that society puts on men, we strip that away so men can be themselves. You get your mojo back, right? You feel better about yourself. You realize how to tap into your heart in a way that you probably never have. You realize how to communicate with women in a way you probably never have, in a way that makes them feel safe, seen, heard, and desired, right? Those are very important things, and most women never get that from their men. So he starts doing all this, right? And so you can imagine she’s excited. Here he is. Yay. I’ve been waiting for this guy to show up for six, or seven years. Oh my gosh, he’s here, he’s here, he’s here. And then her subconscious goes, Wait, it’s only been three months. He’s showing up this way. Has he really changed, or is this just an act to get me back, and then as soon as he gets me back, I come, and let him back into the home? He’s just going to be a jerk again, right? He’s going to go back to his old ways. He’s going to backslide, and then I’m stuck. You know, at least here at separation, I have my freedom, and I don’t have to be belittled or whatever else was going on in that relationship. You see, she’s scared that if she opens her heart again to you or to him, in this case, but let’s just talk about you. She opens her heart up to you, then she’s going to be hurt, so it’s safer for her to keep her heart closed. This is often why men will describe their wives as cold, not uncaring that they don’t want sex. Which guys?
I can tell you, that man women are dirtier than men. I can tell you, I’m sure it’s not your wife. And I’ve heard all these stories, except for the fact that I’ve heard many men say, Well, my wife’s not like that, only to find out, my wife ends up working with them because she coaches women to find out that, Oh no, she’s dirty. She’s fantasizing. It’s just not with him, right? There’s a reason, and I say this all the time, there’s a reason. 50 Shades of Gray sold millions and millions of copies. It’s not because men were reading it. It’s not because women didn’t like it so they decided to read it. It’s because that’s their fantasy. Guys. They want a man who is sexy, who’s having hot sex in the bedroom. And if your wife isn’t displaying that with you, she’s thinking about it with somebody else, just a hardcore fact. So how do you get it back? You have to have safety in the marriage. She has to feel seen, heard, and desired. So with all of that right, her heart has to be very open. Now, when she sees you doing the work, she sees those shifts. She sees you showing up as the amazing man that you are, right, the leader, the provider, the protector at your house. She wants to open her heart, but she’s scared to because she’s been hurt so many times. She’s been hurt by you shutting down. She’s been hurt by you arguing with her, being mean or being distant, being cold, being overly sarcastic. I’ve heard it all right, and I’ve done it all, guys. I’ve done it absolutely all. So she’s gonna have that fear, right? Because she wants it so badly, but she also knows how much it hurts on the other side, right? She wants to believe it, but she’s scared of getting hurt again. So now what she’s going to be looking for, chinks in the armor, and this is where this guy made a crucial mistake, and when I pointed it out to him, he had an aha moment. And that’s why I’m sharing this with you. You know, this guy’s an amazing man, and my job, in my opinion, as a mentor, is just to hold a mirror up, and reflect back to you, right? Reflect back on what’s going on and give you some tools, right? Could be a methodology that you can use that is proven time and time again to get back on pace. And for him, what he was doing is he had been he had been the lighthouse. He had been the wolf wise, open, loving, and fierce, consistently for a couple of months. That’s amazing.
That’s a harder thing to do, fellas, but he has done it. And his wife started going on dates with him again. She started, you know, having him over the house a lot more like he was almost back. But he got so frustrated, right, as we all do, but he got so frustrated that she wasn’t fully believing it, that he snapped, and he got irate a little bit. And his version of iration wasn’t bad. He was just very snippety through a message back to her. It was very short. And the reason when I when I told him that, he’s like, Well, you know, this is what she was doing. And you know, I’m gonna kind of put in her place a little bit. I go, that’s what you used to do. And he’s like, Well, yeah, I go, Hmm, interesting, right? Interesting that she pulled away and his wife pulled away because why? She said, aha, there’s the old him. He hasn’t changed at all. And when he thought, thought about that for a second, he goes, Oh my gosh, I just gave her evidence that the old me could come back. Yeah, and that’s gonna scare the crap out of her, right? She’s like, Oh my gosh, I almost had him back in the house. He almost moved back in. I’m falling in love with him again. Oh my gosh. This is scary. And now I see this other side, the old side, and she’s remembering all those years of him being that way, all those years of him being condescending, all those years of her feeling lonely and living within a house of quiet desperation, she’s all those memories are coming flooded back because he faltered once, right? So that’s okay, right? All of us do it now, I told him, so I’m going to tell you, you got to dust yourself off and go right back to being you, being the real version of you, because you got to do it for you first and foremost, boys, otherwise, the women can smell it a mile away. If you’re not making the changes for yourself first and you’re making it for them, they know it’s not going to last. This man, luckily for him, had made the changes for himself, and as a result, his wife was reaping the benefits. But there’s still just a lingering, a little bit of the old him, right, so to speak. And that’s noticeable, and it’s, it’s understandable.
So I told him to do is just call it out, call out the observation that, you know, hey, you know, I sorry I was a little bit of a jerk the other day. It’s just, that I love you so you and our almost his kid’s name. I love you and our and our kid, and so much that sometimes my heart hurts for not being with you, because that was what’s truly happening for him, right? That was the truth of it. He just handled it, probably not in the best way possible, and then he just needs to keep showing up consistently. He did this, and the next thing you know, things started to get better. Fast. She starts to go, okay? He sees it, and he’s calling out the obvious, and he’s showing up as the wolf again. Now she’s getting more evidence that he is the man he claims to be. She’s getting more evidence and stacking more on that side of him being the lighthouse within their family, within their relationship, and that’s what it is, right? Guys, we all know, that actions speak louder than words, right? We all know that. So your actions are going to show up. And how do you show up? How do you show up? Are you showing up consistently? Are you showing up on a part-time basis, or are you just showing up when it’s convenient? Most of us, myself included, have shown up when it’s convenient when it’s good, and then when things are bad, or people do things we don’t like, we shut down, or show them, I’ll just be a jerk, or I’ll close down on them, I’ll be distant, I’ll push them away. Then they’ll learn that’s not being a man, right? That’s a child. That’s what you do as children. We’ve just learned those behaviors over time when we take them into adulthood, right? That’s different. You can’t show up like that as a man, as a man. You show up consistently as the man, as the leader, all the time, because that’s who you are, if that’s truly who you are, and you wouldn’t be listening to this show or watching this on YouTube if that wasn’t the case if you weren’t that guy that I know that about you, right? You’re a one percenter. You do what needs to be done. You take action.
Now you may not be taking his action as fast as as some others. That’s up to you, right? But you’re taking action. You’re here right now. And so you got to understand that if your wife’s been hurt, right, emotionally hurt, or if she feels that you’ve hurt her or wronged her, and you’ve done it repeatedly over time, and she’s closed her heart to you. It’s because she’s scared. And she’s scared, if she opens her heart to you again, which is probably what she wants to do, really, then you’re going to hurt her again. So you have to show up with this consistency. And the nice thing about this in my experience feminine energy, when masculine energy shows up consistently as a powerful man, right? Feminine energy forgets. Well, that doesn’t say forgets. Feminine energy adapts. So you can change quickly. So in this guy, for example, he falters. No big deal. We all do, if he calls it out, the elephant in the room if you will, that he faltered. He knows he did. She knows she did. He did. Just calls it out. Doesn’t have to apologize for it. It’s he’s human, but he can call it out and identify it, and go back to being him, right? The lighthouse, she is going to adapt much quicker, right? So instead of her just completely leaving and saying that now I want a divorce because I have evidence that you aren’t perfect, right? None of us are, but if he calls out his imperfections, she’s gonna say, oh, okay, cool. He can at least handle himself. He can handle his emotions. He can handle his inner self to a point where he can course correct. That’s gonna give her more safety in knowing that he sees it and knowing that he isn’t trying to go down that route long term, right? So now she can start to open her heart up a little bit more, or at least be open to the possibility of opening her heart, because if he hurts her, he is going to correct it fast, right? Because in relationships, you’re always going to hurt each other. That’s just going to happen inadvertently.
They could be micro hurts or what have you, and everybody’s got different sensitivities and all that stuff. But the reality is, you know, she’ll open her heart up more and more and be more open to her, the safer, safer she feels, and the more he shows up consistently, and the next time he falters, he calls it out, takes his own responsibility for his side of the street, not blaming her, just owning his own shit, basically as a man, and then going back to being himself, the wolf. She’s gonna open up more and more and more until eventually, I predict this man will not only be back in the house, but he and his wife will have a marriage that will be second to none, right? They’re gonna have a marriage that probably both of them never even dreamed of. You know, because he is now open to possibilities and things that he’s never been on. He’s in the best shape of his life. His business is going great. As I said, all these other things that he’s worked on, because you work on one thing, if you work on your relationship, everything else tends to fall into place. It’s the craziest thing. I’ve seen it. It is time and time again. When your marriage is strong, that Foundation’s there, and your wife is your biggest cheerleader, not your biggest adversary. Everything becomes easy, guys, it becomes so much easier. Everything becomes effortless, and that’s what’s gonna happen to him. I predict it, right? His kid, I keep wanting to say his kid’s name, his kid is now going to have a mother and a father that are in a very loving adult relationship and adult marriage, right? No one teaches us about marriage, right? This Craziest thing when I look at it retrospectively, but now is, that his kid is going to have role models to look up to. Probably, he didn’t have, I didn’t he’s gonna have role models to look up to, and he’s gonna be in a very loving home environment. You know, he’ll be raised by his father and not another man. And so there’s all kinds of bonuses that come in with this. And all he has to do is show up as himself, authentically himself. It’s really as simple as that. Now the hard part is figuring out who your authentic self is. For a lot of men, as weird as it is, most men don’t know who that is, and that’s why we have a program called the Alpha Reset. We also have the activation method for self. It’s a whole nother program that we run as well. We don’t talk very much about this show.
But that’s what that helps you do. That gives you a methodology to get back, to get your mojo back, get your passion back, figure out what your purpose is, and start really grabbing life by the balls, right? And as men, we get to do that. Right? Our society is, for some reason, beating it into us guys that we just need to be nice guys, or, you know, men are jerks. And this whole idea that, you know, it’s going around the internet, where women are talking about, well, I’d rather be, you know, alone with a grizzly bear than alone with a man or something like that. It’s ridiculous. It’s absolutely ridiculous. And men are getting beaten down time and time again, and it’s up to us. As you know, we’re great men. We’re not jerks. You wouldn’t be here trying to better yourself if you were a jerk. As great men, we get to show society what it’s like to be a great man, what it’s like to be a great father, a great leader in our home, a great leader in business, a great leader in our community, a great leader in your religious organizations. If you’re a Christian or a Jew or a Muslim or atheist, whatever it is for you, I’m not here to judge or anything. What I want are better leaders in this world, men who are going to lead the way. Right? There’s, that old saying that if you want to change the world, it starts with changing yourself. Because when you change yourself and better yourself, you can better your family. That’s what we’re really talking about here. When you better your family, your family can go out and better the community. When you better community when you better community and go out and better your state, and when you better your state, you can go out and better your country, then you can go out and change the world. But it starts with us, and it starts with the leaders, and it starts with powerful men, men who get their power from the inside, who have the confidence, the intelligence, the knowledge to go out there and make a difference. And gentlemen, that starts with you. So when she sees a chink in that armor, when she sees that you falter, be powerful, pick yourself up, and call it out. She knows you know, therefore you might as well say it. That’s really the courageous thing.
A lot of us don’t want to say it or bring it up because we’re embarrassed, or we don’t want to be vulnerable, or whatever else it is. Just remember that when you’re scared to do something, you do it anyway. That’s what we call courage. That’s why a lot of times, we look up to firefighters or other people who are courageous. That doesn’t mean that they wanted to run into that house on fire, they were scared when they did it anyway, right? That’s courage. So you need to be courageous, and part of that courage is getting right back on your path, getting right back on your path as soon as possible. You know, iron sharpens iron. Surround yourself with great men who are on a similar path. And that’s your that’s your guaranteed way to stay on there, right? And yes, that is a lifetime endeavor. Guys. You want to surround yourself with amazing men. Add more men to your tribe. As soon as you can right? Yeah, I want to have a big tribe of men around me. So when I falter, because I will, oh, I will. I want those men around me to one, call me out. Two, show me, show me the path, right? Show me, give me back on that path as soon as possible, and just by being in the conversation with men, right, just like I’m in the conversation with you right now, that allows me to be on the path. I’m constantly in that conversation. The men I associate with are constantly, I’m constantly in conversations about business, right? Because we work with businessmen, so I’m always talking about business, whether it be AI, whether it be product, developments, investments, we’re always talking about that. That’s what we talk about. But I’m also talking about health, right? I’m talking about wellness and things like that. I’m talking about relationships. I’m talking about being a father. So all those conversations are conversations I want to be in because I want to be a better man. I want to continue to rise. I want my stock to keep going up.
I want to see what this potential is. You know, here I am at 47 I want to know what my potential is. I know I haven’t hit it, and part of that is staying in that conversation, admitting it, right, but also doing it, and I can share that with my wife. And my wife goes, Okay, he’s self-aware. He’s aware enough that he knows that it’s not perfect, but he’s working on it right now. She’ll give me much more leeway when I falter, just as I would you or just as I would her, right? We very rarely discount somebody for making a mistake when they try to make it better when they genuinely want to work on it. Very rarely it’s when people hide it, or when people try to, you know, gaslight us, or whatever else, you know, our spidey senses come up, and that’s when problems happen. So again, for your wife, how long will it take, right? When she’ll see, will she see the change? You need to be consistent, right? And when you fault, you need to call it out, because the odds are that when you falter, all she’s doing is, Aha, I see it, and it’s giving her more evidence. If you don’t call it out, you’re giving her more evidence that you haven’t changed, right? So you just got to step up and keep going. So how long will it take? Everybody’s different, but I can tell you, I can guarantee you that if you’re consistently showing up as the powerful man that I know you to be that’s inside of you, the man that when you look yourself in the mirror, you know is there. You’re looking for him. I know you’re looking for him, guys. I was I get it. I talked to 1000s of you, and I know what you’re looking for. He is inside. Call him forward. Let him be out there. Let him be the best version of yourself. If you want some help, there’ll be a link in the description here. The activation method is our flagship program. We have two different versions. That’s a great place to start. If that’s not for you, totally get it. But start somewhere. Call him forward and be him consistently, and things will fall into place. Gentlemen, as I always say, in a moment of insight, take massive action. What action are you going to take today? Whatever that is, do it. I’m always in your corner. See you next time at the TPM show.
