Episode #815
Have you ever found yourself baffled by your spouse’s critical comments in front of your children? Wondering how to restore peace and assert your role in the family without escalating tensions?
In this episode, we delve into the challenging dynamic of spousal criticism witnessed by children. We explore the painful realities behind these hurtful exchanges and offer actionable strategies for men to reclaim respect and harmony in their homes. Discover how to address the underlying issues, set clear boundaries, and foster a healthier family environment.
Listen now to understand why these conflicts arise and learn effective ways to flip the script, ensuring you can confidently “re-sit on your throne” at home. This episode is not just about conflict resolution—it’s about building a legacy of love and respect in your family. Tune in for a heartfelt and transformative discussion!
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
She’s resenting the fact that you’re not taking care of your health. She’s resenting the fact that you’re not listening to her. And she starts to stack these resentments. And then she brings the kids to start picking on you. She might just be hurt, and there might be some hurt behind her. And so she’s lash-lashing out like kids do. It also could be because she doesn’t feel safe, she doesn’t feel that you are her protector and a provider, she is trying to push you away or wake you up, and also trying to take on the people that are closest to her, her children, and make sure they’re protected by pushing you further away. But if she’s really coming at me, and she’s politicking and bringing the kids on her side, what I would do right away is pull her aside, and it’d be very calm, but very stern. I don’t appreciate the way you’re talking to me in front of our kids. It’s not fair to me, certainly not fair to the kids, it’s not showing you in your best light, what’s really going on here.
Hey, guys, does your wife ever put you down in front of your kids or criticize you or try to like politics and get the kids on her side? Well, today I’m going to talk about some things that happen and some strategies on how you can flip the script on this and get things fell back into your house. So you can re-sit on your throne, so to speak. Now, this is an unfortunate occurrence. It unfortunately happens a lot where a man’s wife might start criticizing him in front of the children putting him down belittling him. Or she might also start politicking when he’s not there and getting the kids to be on her side. Now, first of all, let’s talk about why a woman might do this. Right? We all know it’s wrong. It’s childish. It’s immature, selfish, really, and it’s damaging to the children. So why would your wife do this? Well, odds are that your wife is doing this because she’s hurt. Right? And that’s not an excuse. It’s a reason. Two different things, right? It’s, I’m not saying it’s appropriate at all. It’s not, it’s not justifiable at all, either. Right? This is demeaning to the kids. This is horrible for the kids, let alone you let alone hurt. But chances are, she’s hurting. And she’s trying to lash out or she’s trying to get your attention. And it hasn’t happened. So as an example, let’s say for years, your wife has been telling you to take care of your health, and you’re not listening, for whatever reason. So your wife because out of her frustration and resentment, of trying to keep communicating this to you and she, you seemingly aren’t listening or getting the picture of what she’s trying to say. She starts to enlist other people. And these other people are the people that are closest to her. And the closest to you knows your children. And she might start ridiculing you’re calling me fat or whatever else it may be in front of the kids. Again, this is all wrong. I’m not agreeing with any of this. I’m just giving you some perspective here. Because she’s like, She’s dying inside, she’s screaming and yelling inside her head at you to try to get you to kick your health. Now, this could be a million things, right? It could be drinking, health, drinking health are the two common ones. Also guys at work too much, three common ones I hear a lot could be any of those, but be taking your health. So she starts to go out you and just go out resentment.
She’s resenting the fact that you’re not taking care of your health. She’s resenting the fact that you’re not listening to her. And she starts to stack these resentments. And then she brings the kids to start picking on you. And it’s just not cool. It just isn’t. She is also right, she might just be hurt, and there might be some hurt behind her. Right, she might be hurt at other things you’ve done. And so she’s lash-lashing out like kids do. I have young kids. So I see them do this all the time. Right, they get hurt by one kid and they lash out at the other kid. It’s typical, it’s typical teenage behavior, really. And so your wife just might be in this teenage mentality of maturity, right? It doesn’t mean that she’s a teenager doesn’t mean she’s an immature, but she’s acting immature in that moment. And look, I’ve certainly acted immature, as an adult in a lot of moments. So this is something that is going to build up his resentment. And it’s going to cause more and more problems as time goes on. It also could be because she doesn’t feel safe. Right? She doesn’t feel safe around you. She doesn’t feel that you are her protector and a provider for whatever reason, manufactured or real. She might not feel that. And she is trying to push you away or wake you up. And also tries to take on the people that are closest to her her children, and make sure they’re protected by pushing them further away. So these are a couple of reasons. Now she might do the same thing by politicking and getting the kids on our side. Because when she does this, she might be doing this for several reasons. One is that resentment she’s trying to get. She’s presenting the things that are happening too. She might also be trying to help you in her own way. But three what I see a lot is she might be campaigning because she might see this relationship ending, right and she’s trying to get everybody on her side. So she’s not the bad guy. And when the relationship goes the wrong way divorce or step ration. Let she’s got everybody on her side cuz it’s not her fault. She was the good one. It’s your fault because you’re the bad guy. And she recruits everybody to be on your side. Now this is true again, immature behavior and it’s horrible and you don’t want it. Okay, now we’ve set the scene here. So what the heck do you do? Right?
What do you do in this situation? Now here’s how I personally would handle it. Right? So if my wife ridicules me, now, the joke is totally different. My wife and I are great. At this stage of our marriage, and you know, joking with me around the kids, I don’t care. But if she’s really coming at me, and she’s politicking and bringing the kids on her side, what I would do right away is pull her aside, and go to bed, I need to talk to you in private, please. Right, and I pull her into the room or what have you? And it’d be very calm, but very stern. I don’t appreciate the way you’re talking to me in front of our kids. It’s not fair to me, certainly not fair to the kids. It’s not showing you in your best light, what’s really going on here? Right? So I’m digging to the bottom of the real issue. And she may say nothing, she may say, Well, this is it, or she may come up with a real thing. I’m going to create a safe space to listen to her to let her air grievances, let her air herself out whatever it is. But I’m also going to be firm about the boundary. Right? And so once she’s done telling me when she has this conversation, good, bad or indifferent, I’m going to set the boundary on the set of very firmly, go, Look, I will not tolerate being ridiculed or criticized in front of our children.
Can we both agree that I won’t do that to you? And you won’t do that to me? Is that an agreement? If she agrees, great, you have a boundary, right? If she doesn’t say, Look, this isn’t healthy for our kids, you love our kids, I love our kids. It’s not healthy for me. And it’s not healthy for you. It’s not healthy for our marriage. Right? Is that what you want? She’s gonna say no. Right? Of course, she has some version of this, right? There are a million spin-offs of this conversation, guys. But I can only give you one, right? Just one or two. So if that company is going great, then can we agree together? That we’re not going to criticize or ridicule each other? Or put each other down in front of the kids? She says, Yes, you go your way. Now, if she breaks that, and does it again, poor sight, Hey, babe, I need to talk to you privately. Take her away from the kids. You know, depending on what your relationship may be you guys arguing for the kids, it’s up to you. But this is what I would do take her away from kids. So if we had an agreement that we wouldn’t ridicule, or put each other down in front of the kids, is that correct? Right now, what I’m doing is I’m getting ribeye in. Yes, it is. Sure, yes, but you did this to this, or whatever she’s gonna say, but I wanted her to realize that she broke the agreement. Got it. So I may give her a second chance to say, hey, look, let’s stick to this agreement. Or I may say, hey, if this happens, again, one of us has to leave me when I mean, but as leave the house for a little bit, or maybe it’s leaving for longer than a little bit, whatever it is for you. You get to decide your own boundary on this, I’m not going to cite it for you, I know what my boundary is. Right. And my boundaries don’t get crossed, because I enforce basically enforce the punishment, so to speak, the consequence, that’s what we’re looking for. I enforce it.
So my wife knows what my wife does to me, by the way. So I want to be abundantly clear. It’s not like, I enforce all these rules against my wife, my wife, a strong woman, yours probably is too. And if she has boundaries, and I violate them, she’s going to force it on me. And the consequences coming down, and it should. So if that happens again, I’m gonna say, Babe, look, we had an agreement, that we weren’t going to ridicule or put each other down or for the kids, and you’re doing it again. And that’s not acceptable to me. You know, one of us has to go for a little bit, right, you’re gonna put I would put her in a timeout, so to speak, or you just step away and take the kids with you. Right? But there needs to be a consequence in there. It needs to be firm. And that’s what a lot of guys miss. Same thing with politicking? What she’s trying to get the kids on her side. What I want to find out first, I want to stop it. And what I want to find out in my own mind’s eye is why. Why is my wife doing this? What’s not the surface reason, but what’s the real reason? You know, when you married her, she wasn’t like this. So what changed? It’s not like all of a sudden she became a bad person. So what’s changed is she’s scared that she upset she all of those things, what’s going on in her world that’s causing her to do this? What’s the fear behind this usually politicking? Bringing the kids in is a fear-based thing, right? She’s scared of something. If she’s scared of going back to the health idea, she’s scared that I’m going to die and I take care of myself and the person she loves. She’s gonna lose me and then she’s scared and so she acts out. Right? It’s a common thing, right? Even though she loves me, she’s acting out, or she’s scared that I’m gonna die and not leave any money for her and she’s gonna have to raise the kids herself or she’s scared. I’m gonna die in front of the kids. She’s gonna find her husband dead on the floor and she can’t handle it. Or she’s scared that I’m cheating or she’s scared. What is it? What is going on? I want to get to the root of the problem as soon as possible.
And when happens all too often guys are guys just get upset, and they bitched and they moan. And they don’t have the actual conversation to get to the root of the issue. And it just keeps coming up, it’s like a weed, right? You take a weed whacker to a garden that’s got a bunch of weeds on it, and you chop them off, right, the weeds are just gonna grow back, and you chop them off again, you can keep doing it, you can put poison in there, they’re gonna grow back, you have to get down there and dig out the roots, right, get to the root of the issue. And that’s not as easy as it sounds, right? You need skills men have been through our program, you guys use The Hidden Motives Technique, a little bit, but also be firm. Be firm, love yourself, be firm in there, and be firm in setting your boundaries, right, and really make sure it’s something you can do if it’s not working as emphasized by the children. Because what could happen is your wife can be so pissed at you that she doesn’t give a kick, she doesn’t give a crap about violating the boundaries. Right? About a br She’s gonna keep bringing the kids, she’s gonna keep criticizing you, because she doesn’t, she hates you at the moment. You can love and hate somebody at the same time. Right? You can do that. So she might hate you and love you, but she might hate you in the moment, and not be able to process that anger. And she’s, she’s lashing out in a way that she knows how which may be, that’s how the household she was brought up in. So bring up the health of the kids. Like, you know, to stop her and go, you know, I use two things, you know, recommend and public. If your wife does it, just look at it and go. Are you okay? And just stare at her when she does that. And everybody else around you will question? Especially if she’s being mean, they’ll see it for what it is. Second thing you can do. Right is just talk to her and go look, you know, is this healthy for the kids? And I would just ask her that. Is this the right thing? Is this healthy for the kids? Is this the marriage you want our kids to grow up in? And the answer is probably going to be no. And she might blame you.
Don’t worry about the blame, focus on the issue at hand. Right? That’s the key. So a lot of people will try it, try to dodge this and start blaming other things go, Well, you know, you didn’t do the dishes, you didn’t do this, you didn’t you know, change the oil in the car, whatever. Great, we can have that conversation about those things. For right now I want to talk about bringing the kids in to gang up against each other. You don’t want me to do that to you. So please don’t do that to me. So I’m gonna leave it there guys, because there are so many ideas, you can dive deeply into this concept. And we can do a whole masterclass on this concept of what to do when the kids are politicking. Or you’re screaming your wife’s politics and bringing the kids in or criticizing you. But the key here is to set firm boundaries. Get to the root of the issue the actual issue, and enforce consequences. If you can do those three things. You can turn this around, do it sternly but do it with love and not criticism. German is always saying the moment of insight takes massive action. If you’d like to dive deeper into subjects just like this. I invite you to go over to the powerful man.com forward slash apply now and get information on our The Activation Method. Take massive action a moment of insight no matter what you do, guys. I’ll see you next time on the TPM show.
