Episode #322
When you give up all respect for yourself, your family and your wife will not respect you either. You’ll become increasingly defensive and needy, and your wife will simply, and rightly, spend less time around you.
How can you fix this?
One effective first step is to focus on becoming trustworthy. Be a man of your word. Stop breaking promises, with yourself and with your wife. Start small and restore that trust you once had.
Get clear and admit where you are in all areas of your life. Work on reclaiming yourself first. Take care of yourself more than focusing on how to please your wife.
In this episode, we are going to talk about some of the reasons why she doesn’t want to spend time with you anymore, and how to get back to a place where you and your wife can genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
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Episode Transcript
Tim Matthews 0:00
His problem isn’t the fact that they’ve not been spending time together. His problem is the fact that he has given up all the respect for himself first and foremost. And as a result of that, his wife and his kids, to a degree, are also not respected. He then shows up to take his wife out instead, being defensive, being needy, and his wife now doesn’t want to spend time with him.
Doug Holt 0:28
Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What is going down, brother?
Tim Matthews 0:42
Very well. Hello, guys. They are being interviewed for the program, which is fun. Some guys are making it, and some guys are, so it goes. Yeah, it’s fun.
Doug Holt 0:57
It’s a beautiful day here, man. I’m looking at this window at this beautiful blue sky with his cloud coming over the trees, right above here at my desk, which is awesome. So I’m looking forward to getting out there. I’m going to do about two to three hour ruck today. So we call rucking and exercises, you’ll wear a weighted backpack or a weight vest. Usually, it’s a backpack. It’s a military-style thing. So a lot of guys do it. They do rucking in the UK too for fitness. So they’ll go on rucks. So it might be hours or miles. You might do a four-mile 10 miles. it’s a backpack. Imagine a weighted backpack. You grab a backpack and fill it with weights or a weight vest.
Tim Matthews 1:48
How heavy is it?
Doug Holt 1:48
What?
Tim Matthews 1:49
How heavy?
Doug Holt 1:51
It can be whatever weight you want to use. Mine is about 36 pounds that I use, and I’ll take stuff in and throw water in there; what have you. So, but some guys use weight vests. There’s a guy that we’ve decided to do socially if we go rucking, and we’ll have a beer afterward, which is hiking with a weighted backpack is really what it is. But instead of just going to get beers or do that, we always make sure we do, you know, something that’s fitness-related. This is a time just to chill out together and do something. But you’re also getting a little workout in. It’s a great way to burn body fat to strengthen your body again, and you just weigh with you the whole time.
Tim Matthews 2:39
There’s a great way to burn body fat.
Doug Holt 2:42
What?
Tim Matthews 2:44
Begins with S.
Doug Holt 2:46
What? Begins with S?
Tim Matthews 2:47
Begins with S.
Doug Holt 2:49
Saunas?
Tim Matthews 2:50
Yeah, hopefully, I would say sex. But yeah, sauna.
Doug Holt 2:53
I know what you’re going to say. So yeah, so looking forward to doing that in a little bit. But that’s not what we came on. Tim, before we got on, hit the record button. You had mentioned a call that you were just on. Why Don’t you break that down for everybody?
Tim Matthews 3:06
Yeah, so I’m speaking to a guy who is struggling in his marriage. Great guy. Softly spoken, which whenever I hear the guys are softly spoken. I always immediately think, okay, I wonder what the leadership is like within the relationship? Nothing against the guy. It’s just, and you see patterns, right? And on his application has said that he is losing the respect and the connection of his wife and his kids. And what he has done to try and solve this is to spend more time with his wife. He started to make it more of a priority for them to go on debts. What he is finding is his wife is complaining more, and he’s confused. I don’t get it. I’m making more time for her. Usually, it’s been all about work. Now I’m prioritizing her, and then when she complains about things I do, I explain why I’m doing them. She doesn’t realize at this point he’s falling into the trap of being the deer and anyway. Anyway, him spending more time with his wife, he’s making the marriage worse.
Doug Holt 4:32
I get that. I bet.
Tim Matthews 4:35
Yeah. Because his problem isn’t the fact that they’ve not been spending time together. His problem is that he has given up well, the respect for himself first and foremost. As a result, by default, his wife And his kids do a degree to are also not respecting him. So then he shows up to take his wife out on this day. Being defensive, being a little bit needy, and his wife now doesn’t want to spend time with him. So I want to talk about what to Do when your wife doesn’t want to spend time with you. How do you get her to want to spend time with you again? I think on the previous two podcasts ago, quality versus quantity. I think there’s some things on there that apply to this to a degree. But we did say on that podcast about not having certain conversations with your wife when she’s just not in that place. And this guy’s wife just isn’t in that place. He isn’t in the place to have a conversation. Sexy tanks are wanting to spend hours on a day with him. Because when he shows up today, as I said, it’s a little bit no disrespect but flaccid. He is kind of deactivated. So yeah, what do you think about this?
Doug Holt 6:09
Yeah, well, first of all, I mean, deactivate is the word I would use for sure. There is no surprise that if his wife doesn’t respect him, isn’t admire him. And then he spends more time with her as a solution. It’s only going to exaggerate the issues. He’s not going to get what he wants out of that. Now, hearing that his kids don’t respect him, either. Or he’s lost the respect of his children. That further tells us that he’s in what we call deactivated mode, which most men are. I would hasten to say 80-90% of men in the world are in this deactivated mode that they’re kind of going through life on autopilot. They’ve lost that Mojo, so to speak, and their real drive. So you find yourself in this situation, the first thing to do is get clear and first you gotta do it’s kind of, a, I’ll call it Alcoholics Anonymous, the number one thing is to admit that you’re an alcoholic, that’s the first thing. Otherwise, they can’t help you. You can’t just go well, I’m kind of an alcoholic, this time where I maybe I just drink too much. No, the only way you get through that program, the first thing you do is have to admit where you are. The same thing was with any area of your life, guys fitness, whatever. So the first thing to do is for him to admit that he’s lost the respect, which obviously if he told you that he knows that, and then he gets to work on reclaiming himself. Most of us guys start to please the woman, please our wife, to please the relationship. So then, at that point, she’ll love me. She’ll respect me. She’ll see how great of a man I am. She’ll see how great of a provider I am. I bring it home with this much money. Look at me, Mom, right? It’s one of these things where it’s almost like we’re looking for admiration from a mother; gee, where is Mom? Look how great I am. I did the dishes today. Go check it out. It’s almost like we need that approval. And guys, you don’t. The secret weapon here, the secret sauce, is taking care of yourself. When you take care of yourself first, you’re more enjoyable to hang out with. Or you become a joy to be on the pleasure, and you become the prize. In some of the segments, we teach the guys as they’re going through The Activation Method. But, when they get to The Brotherhood, they start to get it right. It’s at that point that you become the prize. She’s begging to spend more time with you. That’s what you want to get back to. Because when I’m guessing there’s a time in your relationship. This guy’s listening. When you’re getting married, what have you? She was dying to hang out with you. Like she wanted to spend all kinds of time with you. You were the prize.
Tim Matthews 8:55
He said, yeah, we had it one time. So I think you hit the nail on the head in terms of where you get to start except where you are, and for him, I think it’s important he was also trying to solve the wrong problem. He thought the problem was priorities. I’ve lost respect because I’ve not been prioritizing her, maybe to a degree, but prioritizing her and doing it in the wrong way. Priorities are not the problem here. I think you raise a great point. We’ve spoken a lot before taking care of yourself inside out living in all those great things. I think something that we’ve not spoken about as much that I think is equally as effective. Is the idea of becoming trustworthy again, right? Because in the process of him not prioritizing her. I didn’t ask him this, but I’m guessing there have been promises that were broken. He well-broken promises to himself. Hence, he’s no longer working out, and he’s trying to take on all his staff’s needs. And he’s saying to people, please and take on everybody stresses everybody’s burdens. And then his wife kind of looking at him like, Why? Why are you doing that? Let’s kind of go. How will I need to do this? I’ve got to be that hero and Savior. The point is where I’m going with this is he’s been breaking promises to himself and his wife. And I think one of the ways is while to get her to want to spend time with him again is for him to start taking control and doing little things that he just sees me doing, maybe subtle things around the house, it’s little things with the kids, maybe it’s little things in the relationship, and just start doing them. Not saying, Hey, does this need doing? Oh, hey, what, do you think she would do this? Just do it? And then don’t say, Hey, I did that thing. Just leave it. Let it be discovered on its chances that she won’t even bring it up. But chances I’ll also hear when she discovers it. Okay, that’s nice. Oh, she’ll be a little bit shocked and surprised?
Doug Holt 11:04
Well, the key here to meet him is to do it for yourself. Don’t do it for her. If there’s something that you know, they’re your kids do pick up their shit, help them out, or teach your kids to pick up their stuff, lead and do it for you. Don’t do it like that, and I’m going to do the dishes. So that I think that premise is what gets a lot of guys trapped. I’m going to do the dishes, show notifications, and then I’ll be a good boy. Wow, mommy will be happy. That doesn’t work. Do the dishes because the friggin dishes need to be done. You’re a man, make the bed because the bed needs to be made, and you’re a man. Pick up the crap around the house? Because that’s what adults do, guys. Like, get a maid. If you need someone else, pick your stuff out. It’s a transaction; pay the person. No big deal. But do it for yourself.
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And that’s the difference. And then start doing things for yourself. Lace-up your shoes and go for a run. can’t run? Go for a walk or a ruck like we were talking about. Do something for yourself. Don’t ask for permission per se. I mean, your relationship might be different, the dynamic, but start doing things for yourself. And that’s also going to create a mystery because most of you guys haven’t done anything like this in such a long time. It’s ridiculous. Your wife can predict everything you’re going to do. Even if you think you’re being spontaneous, she already knows well, he’s going to tell this joke, he’s going to do this. It’s become the same TV show she’s seen 1000 times. It was interesting the first 20 times. But after a while, she knows what the other characters are going to do. She knows the plot. She knows the drama. It’s no drama, not exciting. It’s not sexy. So shake it up.
Tim Matthews 13:35
Yeah, I agree. And I think a big part of this as well as you are going to do for yourself, more importantly, in doing so. Promise less and do more, right? It kind of feeds into this doing for yourself 100% and starts to become a man of your word. And I don’t mean you started to promise and say things you’re going to do. There’s almost kind of unwritten agreements as well that you’ll just do as a man. And there’ll be certain things that will go on, and just start to maintain those agreements with yourself first and foremost. As you continue to strengthen that muscle, and inevitably, yes, you do it for yourself, and she’s going to see it, you’re not doing it, so she sees it. But you’re going to start to become more trustworthy. She is not going to want to just spend time with you because you’ve become trustworthy, but it’s going to help. It’s going to help because she knows that you’re not doing these things to manipulate her. Yep, doing these things to manipulate a response out of her. So, back to this guy. I think the first thing is to accept where you are. As He said, the second thing is to understand the real problem. The problem isn’t priorities. The problem is that she has lost respect for him because he’s lost respect for himself and hasn’t spent time with being needy in that time, which pushes her further away. The other interesting thing here that he said was that I just don’t get he is constantly picking fights with me. And I explained that I’ve not done it because of this or that. She’s picking fights with him because she wants to see that fire inside of him. Well, this is one of the reasons anyway. She wants to feel that fire from him again, and she wants to feel him come out and arrive and almost just have some presence that she can be high up there. The man is there because often, the guys have withdrawn so much from themselves from their lives. They just kind of become ghosts. That she’s trying her best to see what she can get a response. And some guys think it’s good when that stops? Are we not arguing anymore? No. That’s a warning sign. If you’re not arguing anymore, chances are, she’s checking out or has checked out.
Doug Holt 16:17
It’s checked out for sure. And she’s already checked out somebody else is what most likely has happened here.
Tim Matthews 16:26
This reminds me, the guy I spoke with yesterday. He said, Tim, yeah, I’m worried because now she doesn’t want to be with me, and now i’m starting to do all the things that she asked me to do before. She doesn’t trust it. She’s working out more. She’s spending more time at work. So have you listened to our podcast on SMV? So would you mean sexual market value? I know that. Well, just imagine that your stock price and the marketplace are the dating scenes. You’re going to go into the dating scene, and you want to make your stock price as high as possible so you can attract the best possible men. How do you do that? You work out. You look good. You make sure your house is all presentable. So it’s good for somebody to walk into your career on point. She’s doing those things right now. So she’s got one foot out the door right now. I was shocked when I heard that.
Doug Holt 17:26
A foot and a big toe, you know?
Tim Matthews 17:29
Yeah, he’s like, how do I get back? And again, just a different guy today’s is made now these calls weaving together. He said something that I think crosses a lot of men’s minds. Now we’re kind of going off-topic a little bit but bring it back. he said, you know Tim, I’m terrified of the wrong guy coming along at the right time
.
Doug Holt 17:54
Yeah, or the right guy. I mean, let’s be real. Yeah, any guy? Guys, it’s just so primed with this situation for this guy. The fact that what we want as men is respect and admiration. That’s the whole point of The Activation Method, the programming right with the Clean Slate Method, right, the connection train, all of these things help bring that back. And that’s the idea. But you got to reclaim within yourself too. I feel for this guy because it’s so easy for you and me to see, Tim, where this is going. Because we’ve seen it hundreds of times, right hundreds of times, and I realized for this guy that it’s his first time seeing it very different. And we’ve just seen this pattern over and over again. And becoming deactivated is so common in today’s society than men, we as men, just don’t see it coming. We don’t realize that we’ve become deactivated, and that’s why you need The Activation Method, and it’s why we’ve developed it. Still, even just doing something right starts with taking care of yourself—right spicing it up doing something different. It’s not about spending more time with her. Yes, quality time is great. Quality time is great when she has love, admiration, respect for you. Those ingredients are still in the relationship when they’ve gone out the door. That’s when things get rough.
Tim Matthews 19:24
I mean, look at yourself, guys. This is one where I used to look at this, and it woke me up. I wanted Amelia to spend more time with me. I took a look at myself, and I thought no, I mean what I want to spend more time with me right now. Am I present? Am I there but not there? If I’m there, am I not, you know, being the CFO. Am I looking like crap? What am I like? So the point I’m making is for her to want to spend time with you. You’ve got to want to spend time with yourself first. For her to respect you, you’ve got to respect yourself first. For her to want to admire you, you’ve got to admire yourself first, and this all goes hand in hand with how you are living. If you’re working out, that’s a real sign that hey, I value my health, I value myself, I’m important to me, I’m going to look good, and feeling good is important to me. My mood is important to me. I matter to me. That’s sexy, and women want to be with a guy like that. Oh, this guy, wow, he knows where he’s going. He’s decisive, he’s got direction, wow yeah, I can get behind that guy. that guy is steady; he’s not going to get knocked over when the wind blows.
Doug Holt 20:57
Exactly. If you find yourself in this situation, guys, the time to take action was yesterday. It’s immediate, and again, we speak from experience of seeing this happen time and time again, with great guys. It’s not your fault. You didn’t see this coming. That’s why we started this podcast, to get that information to help guys out. This is not talked about, I found myself in that situation almost ten years ago, and it was like, there’s nothing out there to help. Or there’s the beat in your chest. I’m going to go down and punch people, there’s that kind of stuff. But at the time, there wasn’t anything that talked about becoming a modern-day man and being activated, and I looked at this differently. It was kind of the men from Mars, and women are from Venus stuff. It didn’t work for me, and it worked for any of my friends or any of the guys I confided in and talked to. So, guys, this is, this is time to take action. You don’t want to be the guy I can tell you as a guy used to in my 20s owned a gym. I saw these women with their one foot out the door coming in all the time. And I also saw that that other guy, he’s in there, too. He’s in there, too, just sweeping up. Because he got activated, and maybe his moral compass might be different. But to him, it’s just single, and soon to be single women coming in. It was like, it’s unfortunate, and that was the advantage that guys that were activated had. They could see this like being unplugged from the matrix, and they could see the playing field. And the rest of us were walking around like drones and seeing each other time and time again. So anyway, I don’t need to belabor that point at all. That’s not the point of this is the point is just waking up and getting recognition. And then take massive action as we always say.
Tim Matthews 22:48
imagine if you were always investing in your SMV. It’s crazy, right? Get into a relationship and fall off the gas. Imagine if it wasn’t that way?
Doug Holt 22:58
Yeah, guys, I’ll leave you with one point. And I know we got to jump off, Tim. But what if everything you did was a vote for the future of you? Every action? Whether you listen to this podcast and don’t take action? That’s a vote for the future of you. But if you listen to this podcast and take action? that action you take is a vote for your future. Everything you do is a vote. And what would the future you want you to do? That’s the key. All right, gentlemen, that’s another wrap for another show in the books. Tim, as always, I was great. Thanks so much, gentlemen, we’d like you to run over to our Facebook group, right search for The Powerful Man if you haven’t been in there yet. It is for business owners. And I’d love to hear what you guys think about this episode. I want to know where your votes are headed. Right? Where are your votes? And if I looked at the past, what were you voting for? What was the future you were voting for? If every action vote, what were you voting for in your future? I’d love to know about that in the Facebook group. Alright, gentlemen, have an amazing, amazing week. We’ll see you next time.
