Episode #867
In this episode, we confront one of the toughest topics in marriage: infidelity. When cheating happens, it doesn’t just break trust—it reshapes the entire relationship. We’ll uncover how infidelity creates deep, unseen wounds that go far beyond the act itself, affecting both partners in ways that can feel impossible to overcome.
Join us as we talk about the real impact of betrayal and the emotional scars it leaves behind. Whether you’ve experienced this pain yourself or want to understand how to protect your marriage, this episode offers honest conversations and insights about what happens when trust is shattered. We’ll share stories, explore the reasons behind infidelity, and discuss the paths to healing that can lead to a stronger, more connected relationship.
If you’re dealing with the fallout from cheating or simply want to safeguard your marriage, tune in to learn why infidelity changes everything and how you can begin to heal, rebuild trust, and move forward together. This is about facing the pain, understanding the damage, and finding a way to turn the page.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
If you say you’re gonna take out the trash, take out the trash. You say you’re gonna go for a run in the morning? Go for a run in the morning. If you say you’re gonna pay the bills? Pay the bills. But do what you say you’re going to do to the best of your ability. Now, none of us are perfect at this, but to the best of our ability, start building those micro-commitments of trust. Over time, those micro-commitments become bigger trust ladders, if you will, to allow you to ascend the walls that she inevitably is going to put up to protect herself.
Imagine waking up one morning, lying next to somebody that you’ve trusted the most in the world, only to find out that they’ve betrayed you. The shock, the horror, the sadness, the loneliness that would overcome your body. This happens to so many couples when one person cheats. Now, I know we’ve talked a lot on this show about what happens when your wife has an affair or an emotional affair, and I’ve heard this; I’ve had this conversation literally thousands of times with men. But one we don’t talk about as often is what happens when “you”, the man, have the affair when the infidelity is on your side. And that’s why I want to talk about it today, guys. I implore you if this is not your situation, to stay tuned because a lot of this, I think, will apply regardless. Now, what I’ve seen, and I’ve seen this happen many, many times, is when a man gets a) caught cheating or b) he decides to come clean about past infidelities. I’ll share with you how men have done this successfully and navigated these waters to come out on the other side with an even stronger marriage and a stronger relationship. I’ll also give you the reality of how sometimes it doesn’t work out and what to do then.
But first, I want to talk about the initial shock, the initial thing that happens right when your wife finds out that you’ve cheated, that you’ve strayed, whether it be a one-night stand, an office party, or a business trip, and you had an affair with a co-worker, or you’re banging her best friend. Right? There are different levels to the game. However, what typically happens is what a lot of psychologists describe as PTSD, right? There’ll be some post-traumatic stress disorder, increased anxiety, and obviously, trust falls. Your wife is going to start questioning herself: “How did she cause this problem to happen? Why didn’t she see it coming?” And maybe she did see it coming; maybe it’s just come to light. I see this all too often when the woman suspects her husband of cheating, and he denies it. He gaslights her, and she just kind of knows in her belly, in her heart of hearts, that this affair has happened somehow, someway. Eventually, she just finds the information she’s been looking for. Now, we’ve had stories of women checking men’s journals, actually reading men’s journals and finding where a man’s journaling about an affair from 10 years ago, a one-night stand, if you will, and figuring that out because she knew something was up. Even though it was 10 years ago, she just knew something was awry.
We’ve also had men get caught physically cheating, where the woman, the wife, comes home, and the man has another woman in her bed. Or she finds text messages or chats on social media. What tends to happen more often than not, guys, I can tell you this, is that the woman has an inkling, her intuition kicks in, and she has a knowing. That doesn’t happen all the time. I’m also going to tell you that not all women react the same. Anger, shame, guilt — these are common emotions that come up. Oftentimes, when I talk to women, it’s about the sadness and the feeling of betrayal that is usually the biggest issue, right? The feeling of “I trusted you. We had an agreement, and you have violated that in the worst way possible” in most people’s eyes. Now, again, varying degrees, right? Varying degrees. Some women have less of a problem with it than others. For some women, it’s a deal breaker. No questions asked. “Game over”, right? They’re done. But I’ll say, bell-shaped curve: 80% of the conversations I’ve been involved in, from both the male side and the wife’s side, is that it’s really just intense hurt, intense betrayal that happens. A feeling as if someone pulled the rug out from under you, and you’re in a free fall, as one woman described it to me. You feel like you’re in this free fall into the abyss. There’s darkness all around you. You don’t know what to trust or what to believe because basically, the rug’s been pulled out from under you. It’s almost like blinders have been pulled off when you look at that. Going into those insights — and again, we talked about the emotional fallout, the psychological effects going through it. And also, quite honestly, when I talk to the men, they feel like crap. They feel like shit, right? Very rarely, although it has happened, does a guy feel okay with it when he gets caught. And the reason isn’t because he got caught; it’s because he sees the pain his actions have caused, the pain in his wife’s eyes, her crying, her tears, her rage, and also, for some guys, the pain of having his family ripped apart.
Now, I cannot tell you, I can only think of one guy — and I’ve talked to thousands — who doesn’t regret the affair. All the other ones regret it. This is not them telling me to make themselves feel better. This is not them telling me because they want to look good. These are men that I’ve gotten to know over the years. These are men that I’ve known personally, but also professionally. These are men coming clean and just sharing their stories. Look, everybody gets tempted, right? That’s just human nature to some degree, or at least the thought goes through your mind. However, I can tell you, based on my experience and the men that I talk to, and go through, you know, TPM, just looking the other day, we get thousands of inquiries every single month. We get a lot of data points, and we get a lot of conversations that happen. Here I am, we’re at a 106-acre ranch. We do live events, we have men in the building next door to us right now, and just talking to them and getting to know them. I’ll leave right after this and spend some more time with them, some more brotherhood if you would, and I’ll get to hear their stories, and their stories are very similar. Now, the men that are here, none of them, to my knowledge, have had an affair, but some men do. We all know it. So now you have this feeling of guilt and shame that comes up inside the man. He feels guilty and shameful. Now, the difference between guilt and shame is guilt: you feel guilty for the action. Shame is against the character, two different things. So when we have shame around our actions or shame in our body, we’re making ourselves wrong. And most of the men I talk to do; they feel horrible, and when it’s explored, they feel even worse.
Now, you’ve probably heard us talk about a program we run. It’s a transformational program called The Alpha Reset, right? It is really resetting the alpha in a man, and that’s where some of this comes up. And that’s the only place I’ve ever seen a man be able to release that shame. The only place. I’ve done all kinds of ceremonies all over the world and all kinds of courses. That is by far the best way. If you find yourself, “Hey Doug, I’m listening to you, and I feel just an immense amount of shame,” find a way to get to The Alpha Reset. It won’t change my life for you to come, but it will change yours. Now, if you find yourself in this situation — looking at my notes, a lot of things, obviously, that come up are the relationship dynamics. Okay, let’s just say your wife hasn’t walked out the door yet. How are the relationship dynamics going to change? Is she going to trust you on your next business trip? Is she going to trust you going to, you know, the gym by yourself, or whatever else it is? Wherever you’re going, she’s always going to have in the back of her mind that you’re going to cheat again. Can she actually trust you? Trust issues come up, typically also around money, interestingly enough. I see that combination a lot. When a man has an affair, the wife questions the finances as well, right? Usually, because those are the two things couples fight about the most. But it’s also because she’s looking for something to grab onto. She’s looking for something, some kind of reality, something to have control over. So she makes sure she has control, I should say, more appropriately.
Now the relationship dynamics have changed, right? No longer do you come home, and she even just says hi. She may not completely stonewall you. She may not like you anymore. I hear this a lot from women, like “I am disgusted every time I see him”. And for women who have caught their men or seen images, they can’t get it out of their heads. I hear the same thing from the men who have caught their wives, too. There’s no difference, really. The way it’s handled can be different or situational between men and women. But when you find yourself in this position where you have had an affair, you have cheated, and your wife knows about it, she is going to withdraw. Now, if she doesn’t have proof of the situation, she may have an inkling. She may have some intuition. She may have questioned you already, and chances are if she’s questioned you and you say, “Oh no, I didn’t do anything with Susie” or whatever it was, odds are she brings it up again, doesn’t she? And time and time again, out of the blue, Susie will come up, or the place you’ve been will come up. Why do you think that is? Do you think it’s because she doesn’t know, or she just doesn’t have conclusive proof? I’ll tell you what: it’s the latter. She does have an inkling.
Now, what do you do in this situation, right? So we have men that go through our program, and feel better than they ever have in their entire lives. Many men get more in touch with their faith, right? Our program, regardless of your faith, tends to bring men closer to their spiritual connectedness and their faith. And so guys come out of these experiences, and they say, “Hey Doug, I’ve had an affair, and I think my wife knows, and I need to come clean. Now, we never tell a guy to come clean because we don’t tell people what to do. That’s who we are at The Powerful Man, right? Power comes from within, inside of you. My job as a coach, or as a mentor, as an advisor, is not to tell people what to do. It’s to help you make the right decisions, right? To hold a mirror of reflection, to ask the right questions so you can go inside and come up with your own answers. You’re your own independent, sovereign man. My job is to help you become the man that you’ve always wanted to be. And with that, if that is the choice you choose to make — to come clean with your wife — there are better ways of doing it.
One way, if you know that she knows and she just doesn’t have advice or doesn’t have proof, you can kind of calm her “crazies”, as one woman told me. Like she feels like, “Am I crazy? Or did this really happen? Or what’s going on?” And the way you do that, and you’ve got to make a choice, right? First, just so you know, you have to make the decision of like, “Hey, if I share this with her, just so…” And most men want to share it because they want to be in integrity, and it’s killing them inside to keep the secret. That’s what I hear very often. Now, if they’re going to share it, you want to do it in a very specific way. Obviously, share it alone with her. Get in a situation where she feels comfortable and safe, has an exit, and has the ability to ask any questions, right? I would sit her down in this case — every scenario is going to be different. Guys, for those of you in our community who are active members of TPM, ask your coach about your specific situation. Your coach can walk you through step by step how to do this properly and how to get the best results, not only for yourself but also for your wife, right? Because that’s what you want. So you want to communicate this in a way that she understands, and also make sure that she understands that it’s not her fault.
Unfortunately, I’ve seen men come up there and go, “Well, you know what? We weren’t having sex, and you weren’t giving me blowjobs. So, you know, I had a couple of drinks, and Susie offered; she was hitting on me, rubbing my leg. You know, what do you care anyway?” And they kind of blame their wife. They’re passing the blame, right? And so they’re playing themselves as the victim. “Oh, it’s my fault”, or, “Excuse me, it’s your fault, because I’m the victim because I wasn’t getting what I wanted.” That’s a childlike mentality, you know? You see it all the time. You see it in work environments. You see it in social environments where people take on this childlike mentality and choose to blame other people for their feelings, for their thoughts, for their actions, instead of taking on and having 100% ownership. That’s what I want you to do here. You get to be a man and take 100% ownership of the way you feel, for your actions, and how your actions land on other people, right? That is paramount. And so when you do this, you sit her down, and you want to be very calm, very loving, and say, “Hey, I have something I need to get off my heart or off my chest and share with you.” And if I were you, I would have Kleenex nearby, and a glass of water for her. You know, don’t over-dramatize the whole situation, but just make sure she has things to be comfortable with, right? Because I have seen where these go well, and the couples become much closer, closer than they ever have. Now, it doesn’t happen in the initial conversation, but over time, it can restore trust and begin the rebuilding of trust. Tell her what happened. Tell her what your actions are, what you did. Then use a version of The Hidden Motives Technique, and let her know how sorry you are in the sense of how what you did lands on her. Let her know how you violated her trust. You violated your vows, if you will, if you’re married, and then also talk to her about what you want in the future and how you’re going to make sure, if you agree to this, that this isn’t going to happen again.
Hey guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode because it’s dawned on me that many of you guys aren’t aware that we actually have a book on how to save your marriage without talking about it. Thousands of men have read it, and they’ve reviewed it, and I want to give you the opportunity to do the same. If you’re interested in grabbing it, it’s a short read, but it’s helped a lot of men, just like you. Maybe you’re not interested in The Activation Method yet, but this is a small entry point that can really turn things around for you. Go over to Amazon. We have it priced as cheap as Amazon will let us, and that way, you have a resource that you can use right now to start getting some results in your marriage.
Now, let’s get back to the episode.
Right away, she’s not gonna believe you, but she can feel you. And the advantage the men have come from The Alpha Reset— and one of the reasons I bring it up is they’ve tapped into a part of themselves that women can feel. And I probably wouldn’t have believed this myself, but wherever you’re watching or listening to this, if you go over and look at the testimonials, or go into social media, find a guy that’s been through one of our programs or has been to an Alpha Reset, and just ask him independently of me what I’m talking about. He’ll tell you, “I have tapped into a part of myself, and because of that, women around me — not just my wife, but all women — can feel me, feel my energy. Now, if she can feel your energy and feel your sincerity, that’s when this goes really well because she knows, one, you are apologetic. Two, she knows you really have changed, and three, you’re not going to do it again. Not only does she know it, but that’s a knowledge thing — that’s guys with really good thinking. Women can feel it. When they can feel the truth inside of you, then you have an opportunity to turn things around. Not until then. You’re not going to logic your way out of this. You’re not going to reason your way out of this. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say anything. And again, I’m not telling you to say anything. It’s up to you. It’s your life, your choice. But I can tell you the men that do get this off their chest, regardless of how it works out, 90% of them think it was the best thing they’ve done, right? Because it’s been weighing and eating at them in ways they didn’t even know.
And it’s critical to get these things off your chest and to feel that way. So once we get through this, this part of it, or if you’ve either been caught or you’ve revealed your affair, and let’s just say your wife’s still around, or even if she’s not, if you have kids, she’s always going to be in your life, right? Because she’s going to be the mother of your kids, and you’re going to interact with her in some way, shape, or form, even if it’s just through your kids. Now comes the process of rebuilding trust. Rebuilding trust — we’ve done whole episodes on this, but it starts with micro-commitments. It doesn’t start with this big, you know, ceremony where you’re going to all of a sudden renew your vows, and everything’s going to be great. No, it starts with just keeping your word. Little things that you do: If you say you’re going to take out the trash, take out the trash. If you say you’re going to go for a run in the morning, go for a run in the morning. If you say you’re going to pay the bills, pay the bills. But do what you say you’re going to do to the best of your ability. Now, none of us are perfect at this, but to the best of our ability, start building those micro-commitments of trust. And over time, those micro-commitments become bigger trust ladders, if you will, to allow you to ascend the walls that she inevitably is going to put up to protect herself.
Now you’ve hurt her, so she’s going to probably close her heart to you a little bit or all the way. And you get to slowly reopen it, but she’s not going to reopen her heart until she fully feels safe and fully trusts you. Okay, we talk a lot about how women need to feel safe, right? In the energetic space. That’s just a foundation, guys, that’s just the foundation. Once you get the safety, now she wants to feel seen, heard, and desired. But right now, if you’ve had an affair, she does not care about you desiring her. I can tell you that right now. That is out the window for her. Now, of course, she wants to feel desired, but that’s not the top thing here. Now, we’ve got to do micro-building of trust coming in through there, and part of that is fostering communication, right? As we teach in The Powerful Man, this idea of collecting berries — now is your chance just to listen. Don’t interrupt. If she starts yelling, screaming, obviously, if she’s insulting you, then that’s — this is boundaries, right? You have to have respect for yourself. She can’t hit you or do anything like that. But if she has the stuff to get off her chest about how hurt she is, how disappointed in you she is, don’t interrupt her, and don’t make excuses. Just listen. Hold space and listen, right?
And something that I would do in this situation — I’ve never been in this situation, but if it was me and my wife was coming at me and saying, “I can’t believe you did this to me. How could you be such a jerk? I trusted you”, I would just sit there and listen. And, you know, when she got done, I would say, “Is there anything else that you’d like to say? Is there anything else you’d like to get off your chest?” And encourage her to let it all out. Because if she doesn’t let it all out, it’s gonna come up again and again and again and again. So you need to have that space for her — she needs to have that space to let everything out again. It doesn’t mean you get to be bashed. But what I don’t want you to do, and I see this happen to a lot of guys, is their wife will say, “You’re such a jerk. I can’t believe you did this to me”, and they’ll retaliate. They go into “DEER” mode, right? Defend, Excuse, Explain, React. They’ll start reacting. They’ll go, “Well, you know, last year at Christmas, you did this.” Those are two different things, guys, separate issues. Even if she had an affair and you’re saying, “Well, you had an affair, so therefore I did…” No. They’re separate things. Completely separate. When you start nitpicking at that, you become like a child, like a teenager: “Well, you did this, so therefore I did that.” That’s horse trading, right? That’s not a loving relationship. It’s not an adult relationship. Now, most of us haven’t been shown a good example of an adult relationship, a good example of what that could look like, and because of that, we mimic bad ones, and it just becomes our default pattern. And we’ve got to train it out of us, right? And that’s what we teach.
The Activation Method is a methodology that helps you get along the way, but you get to use The Hidden Motives Technique. Collect berries. Collecting berries means you’re holding a berry basket, and she’s dumping her berries into that basket so she can be free. Until she feels free of all the things that she needs to say or hear, then it’s not going to happen. And by the way, just because she says it and you can repeat it doesn’t mean that she feels heard. She needs to “feel” heard.
Like I said, a woman has to feel safe — that’s the baseline. Then she needs to feel seen, like you see her for who she is, and heard. It doesn’t mean you get to repeat it. She needs to know that you understand what she’s trying to communicate at a core level. Just this morning, my wife and I were having coffee on the couch, and she was communicating something to me. She was saying something that was going on in her world. And I said, “Okay”, and I got it, right, but I moved on to another topic. She looked at me and said, “I don’t feel heard.”
And old Doug would have been like, “Well, what the heck? I can repeat everything you said. I listened. You didn’t ask me any questions, so there was no need to respond.” But really what she was saying is, “Hey, I just need you to hold space for me so I know that you heard me and acknowledge what I said.” And she wasn’t saying, “Acknowledge the words”; she was saying, “Acknowledge the feelings.” And the impact of what she was saying has on her, that I fully get it. Luckily, I’m not the old Doug, and I was able to go, “Hey, bam, I didn’t mean to discount your feelings or anything.” So what I was getting from that is… And I just explained to her what I got, and I’d imagine you feel this way, and that turned into a connection again, right? And that’s how intimacy gets formed.
It’s also how trust gets formed, guys, and you get to start rebuilding this slowly and slowly into your marriage, into your relationship. Because this is, for most people, the biggest breaking of trust — if that’s what I’m trying to say. This is the biggest disintegration of trust: an affair.
Now, there are also ways of, you know, I’ve seen drugs come into play, prostitution — which would be the affair. Gambling is another big one I see. So all kinds of things can play in, right? But this is the biggest one that plays out for a lot of marriages, and you really have to rebuild this with micro-trust again. If you’re working with a coach in TPM, talk to your coach about your specific situation. They’ll walk you through. I’d be here for hours giving you different scenarios that I’ve seen work and not work.
There are times when the woman just finds out, the man shares, she cries, she says, “Get out of the house.” He leaves, and he’s never allowed to come back. We typically say in TPM that if your wife tries to kick you out, don’t leave the house if you have kids there, right? Try to find another situation or scenario where you guys could cohabitate in the house or get her a very nice place. But it’s very difficult. A lot of times, when the man’s asked to leave if he hasn’t done anything — hasn’t been violent, of course — it’s difficult to get back in the door. I see that quite often, where a man will feel guilty and shameful for his actions, whatever it is — too much drinking, an affair, whatever it is — and he leaves the house, he gets a hotel room for a week or gets an apartment for a month, and then it’s very difficult for him to get back in the house. It takes longer for that trust to build. However, if the man stays, he has the opportunity to communication. Again, be respectful. So I’m not saying this is absolute in any way, but typically, this is what I see. This is what we see at TPM.
You want to stay in the fight, in the eye of the storm, if you will. Be the lighthouse — strong, rooted, grounded, right? Take your verbal lickings. You got to. I mean, you did the action. You get to take the consequences, unfortunately, and hopefully, you’re strong enough to take those.
And again, there are times when the woman just says, “I’m out. It’s over. You broke a barrier that I cannot come back from in this relationship.” Now, truthfully, I would say the majority of the time — and I say that hesitantly because I don’t have any hard statistics here, but I do feel like it’s the majority of the time — the men that we work with, when they come out and mention that they’ve had an affair, they’re able to turn that around in their marriage, and they actually do come closer together.
And the reason is when the man is grounded and rooted and can explain to the wife, “One, I did this thing, maybe it went on for years, maybe it went on for one time, and I’m a new person that’s changed”, she has more respect. She has more trust. It’s more naturally built-in than a guy just coming off and just saying it. Because guys go into DEERmode, right? They Defend, Excuse, Explain, React. When a man’s in his “WOLF” — Wise, Open, Loving, and Fierce — and has mastered the Triadic Connection, it is much easier for him to come back from this. Much easier.
Now, I’m not saying, “Guys, this gives you a license to go out and have an affair”, and I’m also not saying you’re a bad person if you’ve had one. Just because I haven’t done it doesn’t mean I’m judging you for doing it. I’m just trying to give you some tools and some insights here. Because what happens to most guys is they won’t tell anybody else, right? Fear. Fear of being judged. Fear of their wife finding out. We, luckily, at TPM, has a very safe place for men to share all the things there.
I can guarantee you, that I can’t think of a situation or scenario that could occur in a man’s life that I haven’t heard. That’s a bold statement. I’ve had men challenge me with this, like, “Oh Doug, you don’t know my situation or my story. Just wait.” In fact, at one event, I had a guy sitting at the table and said, “I’ve got 10 bucks that my story will blow you away.” And you know what happened? At the end of that event, this guy walked up to me and gave me 10 dollars. I was like, “Oh no, you don’t have to do that.” And he said, “No, out of integrity, Doug, and I’m a man of my word. You’re right. You have heard it all.”
And that’s — I’m not saying that as a way to tout, but I’m saying I’ve seen this play out, guys, thousands of times. We have a proven methodology. And the reason we can say that we have a proven methodology is that it works time and time again. It’s a method, right? You work the method, the method works.
So when you’re looking at this, I’ve seen so many guys bring their relationships back, even after the wife has left, right? She could come back if there is still love in the marriage. Now, if she doesn’t love you and you have an affair, it’s over. Like, just call it what it is, right? Even if you still love her and you went out and cheated, if her love is lost for you, that’s a hard one to get back. I just don’t see that happen. I do see people who fall out of love fall back in love, but not usually when an affair is added into it.
So you really want to look at this. Here are some common mistakes men make: they will have an affair, the wife will find out, and they’ll go start buying her gifts. They will try to buy their way back into the marriage, right? Women can see this from a mile away. Now, she may be nice to you when you get her the new diamond ring, or the new car, or the new house, or whatever it is because she’s going to want more, but usually, she is planning her exit at this point, right? And she’s just stalling for time, and she’s just gonna take the free gifts from you, sucker. So don’t do that. Also, she’s gonna know “Hey, is this guy legitimate, or is he just trying to buy back my love?” So that’s something you don’t want to do.
The second thing I see, which I actually see the most, is when a guy tries to deflect his infidelity by blaming her for other things, right? Playing the victim card. It’s really sad to see grown men play the victim card, and it’s mostly because guys don’t know that they’re doing it. I get it. As someone who works with men and coaches people, I see it all the time. It’s very clear to me when I see somebody playing the victim card. I don’t always call it out. If I’m in a coaching environment, I definitely do, but most men don’t realize they’re doing it because they’re so ashamed, guilty, upset, or hurt about their actions, or the way they feel the injustices in the relationship are playing against them that they tout this. They start going into that DEER mode, and they start making up all these excuses. And when they make up excuses, she’s just going to get more and more pissed — you’re gaslighting her, right? And that’s horrible. It’s not something you want to do to someone you love. And if you’re doing that to your partner, you’re doing it out of manipulation, not love. And then why are you in that relationship anyway? It’s not a healthy relationship for her. It’s not a healthy relationship for you, and it’s not something you want to hold on to, right? You know, she deserves greatness, you deserve greatness, and so both of you get to move on from that.
The third mistake I see a lot of men make as they go through it: first is buying a lot of gifts — I see that one a lot. The one I see the most is guys gaslighting essentially and blaming, going through there. And the third one is becoming super needy, right? Guys go into “nice guy” mode. Dr. Glover wrote a book called “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. It kind of maps out what a nice guy is, but essentially, it’s a guy who wants approval from his wife, and wants his wife to be happy, so he starts doing all the nice things for her. He morphs into who he is. And I fell into this mode, not because of this reason, but because I thought, “Oh, if I’m nicer, then my wife will be happier”. And it didn’t work. And it didn’t work for almost any guy I’ve ever met. Most guys fall into that mode — just societal norms, right? So don’t become super needy. Guys will start following their wives around, doing extra dishes around the house, and doing all kinds of things. They become needy. And needy is not sexy, guys, and that’s not what you want to do.
So those are the big three things I see as mistakes. The three positives I see guys get it back: One, they actually go get help, right? They either get involved in a coaching program to better themselves in relationships, or they’ll see a therapist. From my experience, and I am biased, the coaching programs guys that join TPM — I get to see the most of, so I have the most data points on that. That’s the best way because their wife’s like, “Okay, he’s actually taking action. He’s not just saying, “I’m sorry. I won’t do that again.” He’s saying, “I screwed up, and now I’m going to go figure out how to correct myself. I’m going to go learn new skills”. And she sees you taking action because actions speak louder than words. And so when that happens, you have the opportunity, or she has the opportunity, of seeing you. You have the opportunity to be seen as a man of action. And also, you might want to improve yourself. There might be some things you want to work on. Why did you have the affair in the first place?
That’s number two: self-reflection. Why’d you really have it? Not because you were horny, but what was the real need you were trying to achieve? What are the excuses you told yourself, the reasons you made it acceptable for yourself to do so, right? We all are really good at lying to ourselves, right? We convince ourselves of why we do things and the justifications behind our actions. Most people do that — they can justify their actions. But what’s the real reason? If you take the justification away, what’s the real reason you did what you did? What were you really trying to achieve? What were you really trying to get out of that situation?
The third thing that you can do if you find yourself in this situation is really look at your actions through the other person’s lens, in such a way that they understand that you can see the impact. Let me say that another way: what you want to do in this particular situation is understand the impact of your actions through your wife’s eyes. Did you cause her pain? Did cheating increase her risk of an STD? Did you get an STD? Did it make her feel shameful? Does she not feel pretty anymore? Not beautiful anymore? Does she feel not good enough? Really get to the core and let her understand that you understand the impact. When you do that, you have a chance, right? She now knows, “Wow, he gets it. He’s seeing how much he screwed up or the impact of his actions.” And then you can actually take a stance. Whatever you do, do something. Even if you choose not to tell your wife about the affair, do the other three things I just mentioned anyway, right? Get growth, get involved in growth, and show the impact of your actions. You don’t have to mention cheating, but any actions you have. So if she feels seen, heard, and desired, start to build that trust again — increase the trust you have in your marriage, and that’s incredibly important. But also, don’t be ashamed of yourself. It’s not a character flaw, guys. You are not flawed as a human. You may have made a bad choice, but you’ve done that a million times. So have I. But this choice is a little different, right? We get it. But don’t shame yourself, put yourself down, or beat yourself up. Just course correct. And course correction starts first with awareness, then action. Awareness. Action. Awareness. Action.
Whatever you do, take that action, gentlemen. As always, I’m in your corner, and we’ll see you next time on the TPM Show.
