Episode #872
In this episode, we explore an often-overlooked truth: the wedding day is just the beginning, but it’s the marriage that really matters. While so much energy, time, and resources are poured into planning the perfect wedding, many couples miss the real work that starts after the vows.
We discuss how the excitement and passion that once came so easily can fade into routine, leaving many husbands feeling disconnected from their wives. We shares personal stories and practical insights on how to reignite that lost spark by focusing on shared goals, vision, and daily efforts to nurture the relationship. You’ll hear actionable advice on how to communicate more effectively, lead with intention, and keep the passion alive—even during tough times.
Whether you’re feeling stuck in your marriage or just want to ensure it continues to grow, this episode is packed with real-world strategies to turn your marriage into a powerful, lifelong partnership. It’s not about the wedding day—it’s about what comes after.
Listen in and learn how to take your marriage from surviving to thriving by making every day together count.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
See, it’s not just about the wedding day. It’s the day that we all focus on. We have the pretty pictures and all that good stuff. You ate the cake. Maybe you smashed it in your wife’s face, but you had fun, right? For most people, anyway. I’ve heard some horror stories here and there, but the key is doing it with intention—taking that same passion for planning that special day and applying it to planning your special marriage. So, take that, write those down, and take action to ensure that your wedding day isn’t the most important day, but in fact, your marriage every day becomes filled with that much intention and that much importance.
The day she’s been dreaming about since she was a little girl: her wedding day. Look, if you’re married, you definitely remember that occasion. Do you remember how much time you spent planning the wedding? Or at least how much time *she* spent planning the wedding if you weren’t involved? The thoughts of the chairs, the cake, the invitation list, the excitement about registering for all those gifts that you wanted to have. The importance of the wedding day—for many people, it was one of the most significant days of your life. And you think about how much time your wife put into planning, and maybe how much time you put into planning. But my question is, is your marriage more than just the wedding day? Now, obviously, that’s a yes. But when I think about people getting married, what they’re thinking about, they’re focused on that day—the wedding day, the big day—the day that their parents are going to come together and meet each other, or dance on that dance floor. Their friends are going to come, and they’re going to rejoice in the celebration. But how much time have you put into planning your marriage?
And what I mean by that is, whether you’ve been married one year, 20 years, or maybe 40 years, how much time do you sit down on a yearly basis and plan with intention how you want your marriage to be? For most people, it’s never, right? We planned the wedding day, got married, had a great time, and now we’ve got four kids, a job, a mortgage, and life just goes on. But do you actually take the time to pause each year—this is my recommendation, at a minimum—and plan how you want your marriage to be? What do you want your marriage to look like? Who are the people you want to be involved in your marriage? And what I mean by that is nothing kinky. I simply mean, who are the other couples you want to be around? Who are the other husbands you want to be around who are going to emulate the kind of man that you want to be? And who are the other wives that you want your wife to be around who are going to emulate the kind of wife that she wants to be—or that you want her to be—and vice versa?
You know, previously, in a podcast, I talked about, “Are you the man that you would want your daughter to marry?” Essentially, well, this is a little bit different. It’s a different angle here. And the way I’m thinking about this is, do you actually, with intention, plan how you want your marriage to be? Now, for most people, they’ve never thought about this. I ask this question a lot to men and to women, and very few of them, with intention, have recently thought about it. Now, sure, you think about it in your 20s or your teenage years, or early on before you get married, you think about what married life is going to be like. And maybe you reflect on your parents’ marriage. Maybe it was a good one, maybe it was a bad one, and you say, “Hey, I don’t know what my marriage is going to be, but I definitely don’t want it to be that way.” But have you actually had intention? What do you want your marriage to be? Do you have a mission statement for your marriage? Do you have core values for your marriage, the way you do for your business?
Now, most men that I talk to, and I work only with businessmen right now, most men I talk to, they can tell you the mission statement. They can tell you the core values of their company. They can tell you what their rocks or their goals are for their company. They can tell you what their revenue is, where they want their company to be, and what the vision is for their business. But when I ask them those same questions about their marriage, they look at me like a DEER in headlights. “What’s the vision you have for your marriage?” I would ask. And most of them have no idea. And they’ll start telling me what their marriage is today. “Well, Doug, you know, there’s no intimacy right now, and she just seems disconnected. Doesn’t feel like she really wants to be there. And each time I try, it just doesn’t seem to work. I just get rejected. I’m not sure what to do.” Right? Conversely, if I ask them about their business vision, they’ll tell me their five-year goals, and they’ll tell me with passion. Well, flip that around. What’s more important, your marriage or your business? That’s a hard one because we’re business guys. It’s just what we do. However, if you’re sitting in your rocking chair on your porch in your late 80s, reflecting on the most important things in your life as you reflect on your memories, my guess is your business will be important, but your family and your marriage would have been more important to you.
So, with that being said, are you spending the time to create a vision? And not only create a vision for yourself but create a vision with your wife? Create one that she’s excited about, that you’re excited about, that both of you can live into. And what about your values? Most people just assume, “Hey, I have my values. They haven’t changed, so her values haven’t changed either.” Yet, many people end up finding out that their partner’s having an affair or doing something on the side that violates their core values.
Hey guys, sorry to interrupt this episode, but the reality is, if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself, and I applaud you. You’re one of my people, and I want to give you the opportunity to take massive action. So, if you haven’t joined the Activation Method yet—it’s our flagship program. Do what thousands of other businessmen, just like you, have done, and take action. Be one of the one-percenters who actually does the work and takes action. There’ll be a link in the description that’ll take you right to a page that’ll just give you more information. There is no obligation. Just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you. All right, let’s get back to this episode.
Well, if you haven’t reiterated your core values, just like you reiterate to your employees and your staff, how are you sure that’s top of mind for her? You know, I do a regular check-in with my team. Right? At work, we do a regular check-in. “Hey, how are things going? Are there any roadblocks that I can help remove? How are you doing?” Things like that. But do you ask your wife the same questions? Are you trying to remove roadblocks for her? Are you doing check-ins with her like you do with your team? Are you setting goals dreams and aspirations the way you would with your team? And the way you do with your wedding day, this day that people plan and spend—I can’t even tell you. I think when I got married, the average wedding in the United States was like $25,000 for that one day. How much are you spending investing in your marriage?
Seriously, right now, I implore you: go look at your bank statements. Go look at your credit card statements. How much money are you investing in your marriage and your own personal growth? If it’s not north of that number, then something’s amiss. We spent so much money on that one day, so much time, so much energy on that one day. Yet, what happens the other 364 days of that year? Or what about the next year, and the year after that, and the year after that? You see, one thing that can accumulate is bettering yourself. It always gets better. It stacks upon itself. It’s not about that one day, but it is about intention and setting that intention for your marriage.
So here’s what I invite you to do: one, go back and look and see how much you spent on your wedding. And then go back to this year—this year alone—how much money have you spent on your marriage? And what I mean by that is, how much money have you spent on the betterment of your marriage? Not buying gifts and things like that, or even date nights, but on education about your marriage, or intention about your marriage? And then what I’m going to invite you to do as well is write down your mission statement for your marriage. Write down your core values for your marriage. Write down the vision for your marriage. Not only the vision for five years but 10 years, 20 years from now. But also the vision for today. Where do you want your marriage to be today or a year from now? And do this with your partner.
Do this with your partner, and don’t do what I did early on and make it a business meeting with my wife. It didn’t work out well for me. Do it so it’s fun. Be the CFO—the Chief Fun Officer. Show up as
that man, The Powerful Man inside of you, and lead this conversation. Lead this conversation through curiosity, through passion, through energy, as you would with a business. Now, businesses obviously have some practical applications, but so do marriages. Right? If you’re in a state where you guys are having sex once a week and you want to have sex five times a week, there’s a gap. There’s a delta there. How do you increase that intimacy? Or maybe you’re in a marriage right now where you’re arguing more often than not. There’s a gap. How do you fix that delta? How do you fix that gap to bond and to come into it? That’s the practical application. But before you get to the practical steps, you need to have a vision. You need to know where you want to go. You need to have something that’s tangible.
Now, I’m not saying don’t take action, because take action immediately, no matter what. If you can’t figure out the vision or your wife’s not willing to do it with you, or whatever it may be, then just start doing it yourself. Start taking actionable steps. You’re doing it right now by being here with me, having this dialog. Right? I know it’s one-way right now, but I get on social media as much as I can, and I’ll try to communicate. But right now, just with this dialog, with this listening, you’re contributing to yourself. You’re adding value to you and to your marriage.
But what else could be done? What are other action steps that you can take? And what are some practical things you can do with the intention to set your marriage up for the future? See, it’s not just about the wedding day. It’s the day that we all focus on. We have the pretty pictures and all that good stuff. You ate the cake. Maybe you smashed it in your wife’s face, but you had fun, right? For most people, anyway. I’ve heard some horror stories here and there. But the key is doing it with intention—taking that same passion for planning that special day and applying it to planning your special marriage.
So take that, write those down, and take action to ensure that your wedding day isn’t the most important day, but in fact, your marriage every day becomes filled with that much intention and that much importance. Guys, take action now. Invite your wife into this dream. Invite her into this episode. In fact, share this episode with her so she can understand where you want to go. And make it fun. Do it on a vacation. Do it somewhere else. But start planning your ideal marriage with her. Start dreaming into it. And I get, for a lot of you guys, you’re not there yet.
I understand. I understand. But at least having a vision of where you want to go and then taking massive action. Bold action. Not this sitting-on-the-fence BS—bold action to move forward. You deserve better than average, guys, and I want to help you get there. I’ll see you next time on the TPM Show.
