Why Some Men Are Lying

Episode #615

What’s holding you back from sharing your problems?

If you want to make a change, you need to face your challenges and get comfortable opening up. Make a decision now to take the lead if you want to improve your life. 

In this episode, Doug and Ryan talk about why some men are afraid to take risks and what they can do to live a more fulfilling life.

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Transcription

Doug Holt: Hey, guys, welcome back to another show. And once again, joined with me is the amazing Ryan peace. Ryan, great to have you back.

Ryan: Man, it’s so good to be here. Thanks for having me on, brother.

Doug Holt: Yeah, absolutely. So for those that don’t know – and you guys should go back and listen to some other episodes that Ryan has been on – but Ryan has been a graduate of the Activation Method, which is our flagship program, he went to the Alpha Reset, joined the Brotherhood, and then left a flourishing career to come aboard the movement we call TPM, because he wanted to help other men, like you guys listening to this right now. So, Ryan is actually one of the lead advisors. So, if you were to decide, like, hey, look, I just want to book a call and decide if this is the right fit for me, Ryan is the type of man that you get a chance to talk to. And he was there as an advisor just to guide you to say, hey, here’s some insights, this program is for you, it’s not for you, it might be for you. But really, what his job is, and his calling is, is just to help men get their footing. Because as we say, for some of us guys, it’s not easy topics to talk about, so a guy like Ryan is there to guide you along the way as someone did for him many years ago. So, is that a fair assessment there, man?

Ryan: Yeah, man, I think you nailed it. It’s just such an honor to be able to kind of turn around and help the next guy behind me, and like you said, Just point him in the right direction. I talked to a guy earlier today and got through a conversation. It was like, listen, this isn’t the next right step for you. Here’s where to go, here’s what you need to do. What I love about that is, when the guy is the right fit… Oh, you get so excited to watch their journey, because you know that they’re in the right place. And as long as they dig in and do the work, like, it’s gonna be amazing.

Doug Holt: That is amazing. Well, let’s talk about that a little bit, Ryan, because you have the opportunity – it’s very unique. So gentlemen, you listening to this right now, you know your situation, and probably not very many other people do, right? Because as guys, we just don’t talk about it. But Ryan, you get to talk to literally 1000s of men around the world. Business owners, most of them have kids, going through it- I’m gonna guess most of these men, A, if they feel alone, B, they feel like nobody else has this problem that they’re going through. Give me some of the common scenarios that you’re seeing, and obstacles that are facing these men from getting what they want.

Ryan:  Yeah, um, I think that when you feel alone, oftentimes, it’s easier to sit in that and just commiserate or stick your head back in the sand and just continue doing what you’re doing, rather than face the music. So, I see that a lot. I think for a lot of guys, what I see is- I very, very rarely find a lazy man, the guy that’s not doing anything. It’s usually quite the opposite. I find guys that have been doing the podcasts, and the books, and the counseling.

They’re also working 50-60-70-80 hours a week, trying to provide the life that they told their wife that they were going to provide them. And a lot of these guys then find themselves strung out, exhausted, overweight, frustrated, all with hoping on the other side, they’re going to see this amazing connection with their wife, who’s just gonna love and value them and give them everything that they need. And yet, it’s the opposite. Their wives are either, one, angry at them all the time and no matter what they do it’s never enough, or two, the wife is just completely disconnected and not talking to them at all. That’s probably the most common thing that I see, just men working- for lack of a phrase, working their asses off, but it just not getting them the results that they want in their marriage.

Doug Holt: We all know this, as businessmen: it’s not the amount of time you spend in front of your computer, it’s the efficiency with the work that you do. As a guy who’s ran a lot of companies myself, I’ll often tell people when they ask, like, okay, what are my hours and like, look, yes, I want you to work hours. But really, what I want is results. As an owner of a company, I’m looking for results, not excuses. And it’s interesting for us men, when we’re in the thick of it, if you will – and I’ve been in it, Ryan. I’m guessing you’ve been in the thick of it, too.

You’ve shared your story. Guys, if you’d like to see an amazing story, go over to thepowerfulman.com/results, and you will see Mr. Peach right here, where he shares his story of his journey. And it is an amazing story, guys. It’ll give you an understanding of Ryan, and what he’s been through, and what he’s overcome over the years. And neither of us have perfect marriages or perfect lives. And we never pretend that’s the case. But I’m curious, because you shared something I thought was really interesting with me before we hit the record button. We just started catching up a little bit, and you made a comment about how there’s some guys that will just luckily get onto a call with you. Walk me through that scenario, what you’re hearing versus the reality of that.

Ryan: Yeah, I’ll get on the phone with a guy, and quite often I’ll hear, oh, I just happened to stumble across you on Facebook or on Tik Tok or Instagram, and I just clicked this thing, and it looked cool. so I thought I would just kind of check out and see what you’re doing. And what always goes off for me is two things. One is, that’s not true. Like, you clicked on that for a reason. And also, you have to go through a process in order to be able to get to me. There’s videos- like we said in the beginning, we want to make sure that you’re the right guy that we can actually solve your problem, that what we do speaks to you. And so, there’s steps in that process to make sure that we’ve got the right guys in the right place to be able to serve them well.

And so, it always comes back to two things for men, especially in this perspective. It’s either fear – I’m alone, no one’s going to understand me, this is impossible. It’s been going on for 10-15-20 years. What’s the point? And it comes back to pride. I can do this myself, I’m self-made, I’m doing all these other things, it’s just gonna take a little bit more time. And I just want to get a little bit- I want to get the help that I want to get from this person and that person, and I don’t really want to be pushed or pulled in a direction. And so, they tend to come on with this false sense of either disassociation or confidence. Because honestly, as guys, we’re taught not to be vulnerable. You’re taught to rub dirt in it, be quiet, do it alone, and asking for help, or even worse, admitting that we don’t know what we need to do… It sucks.

Doug Holt: Oh, yeah, it absolutely does. So, you get on a phone call with the guy and the guy is like, yeah, I just clicked on the ad- in the back of your mind, you know, Hey, look- so, guys that have never clicked on an ad, or gone through our website- we have a lot of guys, Ryan, as you’re aware, that will just come to our website. sometimes on referral from a man who has been through the program. And in order to do so, what we have is essentially an application process. Right?

So, guys like Ryan, who are committed, who have made their legacy to help other men are really busy. And so, Ryan wouldn’t be on a phone call 24/7 if that was the availability, and unfortunately, Ryan lives the lifestyle we teach. Fortunately, he does. And he’s got a wife, kids, he’s got a lifestyle. As you can see, if you’re watching this on video, over his right shoulder, he surfs, and he’s taken up all kinds of hobbies and things that allow him to live this lifestyle. So there’s only a finite amount of time that Ryan can actually get on a phone to help a man, as it is for all of us. One of the reasons we do this podcast is, we can’t help everybody, so we’re doing these for free.

Of course, yes, it can bring us more men to help. But really, it’s to really proliferate the message and help more men out there. So, you hear this guy, you know he’s filled out an application. He’s watched a video, unfortunately for him, of me, going through it. So it’s a video that’s just explaining what it is. So it’s nothing amazing, I’m not gonna lie about that. Just explaining what it is, and how we as men get there. And then he’s picked a time to get onto your calendar that works for him and works for you. So he’s done all these steps. As businessmen, we know that these steps mean he’s committed. He’s got something going on. He knows what this is about. So, what do you think is going on through his head when he addresses you with that question?

Ryan:  One, their BS meter is up, right? Like, is this for real? If I am going to open up, if I am going to share, I don’t want to be messed around with. And I think they want to know if we really care, right? They want to know that there is a real pathway here. It’s not just some dudes in a basement sitting around talking about their problems. Is there a pathway forward?

And so, that’s what I love about what I get to do, right? Because it comes from a place of pure service. I just want to understand you and where you’re at. And I want you to understand where we are and what we do. And if those things come together, then that’s great. Let’s talk next steps. And if not, I’m going to point you in the right direction. Our whole team does. It’s what I love about our team.

Every morning we share wins, right? And so often it’s like, I talked to John yesterday, and it wasn’t a good fit, but he was an amazing guy, and I sent him this direction. I told him to plug in here. And he texted me this morning, and he said he’s already getting so much from it. It’s true service that we bring to those men. And so, I think, for guys, what tends to give them that trepidation is, they’ve probably been burned before. They’ve tried counseling. Again, I think I’ve met maybe a handful of lazy men that just weren’t doing anything in my four years here. And so, it’s, I’ve tried so much I’ve put in so much effort, and it’s only gotten worse. I don’t want to open this up again, because it makes me feel weak, and less like a man, when in reality, that’s one of the strongest and most powerful things that he can do.

Doug Holt: Yeah, that was a big mind change for me, Ryan. I grew up with two older brothers, very competitive athletes. I grew up playing sports, played into my 30s. You know, guys don’t cry. Guy punches you in the face on the field, you either get at it or you just shut up and you move on. So, you got your feelings hurt. Okay, put your big boy pants on. Those kinds of comments. And what I realized, for me, is the bravest thing a man can do? Well, courage. I call it courage, right? What is courage? The definition of courage is being scared and doing it anyway. And the bravest thing you can do is expose yourself to be hurt, emotionally, being vulnerable, and do it anyway, That takes massive balls, that takes courage to do that.

And if you think about it, it’s the scariest thing. That’s why guys don’t do it. It’s not just because we were not told to do it. But we’re scared. What are they going to think of me? You know, what happens if I show that I’m hurt? Are they gonna take advantage of me? All of these stories come into our heads as men. And so it gets really interesting when we see guys go through this journey. I mean, that’s the really cool thing about what I think we do is, we have a methodology. It’s not a theology, or what have you. It’s a methodology that applies to all men that we’ve worked with, regardless of race, religion, background, because we’re using solid principles, scientific principles on human psychology and conditioning. It just happens to work really well for men. You know, because we’re guys, and we’re different. You look anywhere else in the animal world, and they never delineate, you know, males and females as one species, they always separate the species. But being as brilliant as we are as humans, we thought, nah humans are different. We’re all the same. How’s that working out?

Ryan:  Yeah. One of the disservices that we did to men was that we taught them that feelings made them weak, and that to seek help made you weak. And if you look throughout history, the smartest, strongest and bravest people, they had that close-knit group of other men like-minded, going in their direction, that were going to support them and hold them accountable. It is foundational to the success of the greatest men and greatest male movements.

And so, I think what we see for the men that come to us is, as they get in touch with that vulnerable part of themselves, and allow themselves to freely feel how they feel, out of that comes so much clarity, power and strength. And a lot of the men on the front end of things, they use this sort of… Again, I call it disassociation from where they are and what they’re doing here on the call with me, because inside they feel really weak, and powerless, or uncertain, or doubtful. Which makes total sense, because if I did anything for five years, 10 years, 15 years, and it only got worse… You wouldn’t do that with the gym, you wouldn’t do that with your business. You wouldn’t do that anywhere else in your life. You wouldn’t put in all that effort and then get worse. But because of your relationship, and you love this person, and you’re committed- because men, when we commit, we commit. We are committed to this. We just feel like a failure. And then, we weren’t ever taught what to do when we felt that. We were taught to bury it, eat it and just try harder.

Doug Holt: Yeah, so true. It’s interesting, because this morning, I went to a PT session because I damaged my rotator cuff. The guy that I work with, the PT, not only is he a doctor of physical therapy, but he’s a guy’s guy to the extreme. You know, he works out, runs a gym. A man’s man. And so I went in there, and you feel weak as a guy, right? You’re like, I’m out of shape, because I haven’t gone to work out because of this injury. And here’s this guy, and he knows he knows who I am, I know who he is. And we just start talking. He’s like, Doug, what’s going on? Man, I am so friggin stressed out right now. And he’s like, why? And I started talking to him about it. And he just completely opened up to me. Right? So, in the past, what I call Doug 1.0, I wouldn’t have brought up any of that. How’s it going? Awesome. Things are great. Crushing it, crushing life. Let’s just work on this, this one thing back here, right? Talk about you,  not me. I’ll make you feel like we’re going deep, but I won’t let you in.

All guys do that, by the way. You’re not the only guy out there. But knowing what I know now, and working with 1000s of men, I know what the truth is. I just opened up and just told him what was really going on. And me being authentic and taking that first step allowed him to all of a sudden share things that are going on for him. It created a safer space for him. So guys, it’s that taking that leadership role. Whether you’re calling up and talking to Ryan, or anybody else, you take that leadership role moving first. And for a lot of men, at least for me, Ryan, in my marriage, I neglected that leadership role, because I thought it was the right thing to be the nice guy. I thought, okay, I’m being too aggressive or too assertive in my marriage, I’m going to bite my lip. I’m going to take out the trash more, I’m going to wash the car, I’m going to fix my wife’s car, I’m gonna do all these manly things, which she could have given two shits about. Like, yeah, sure, it’s nice for her to have the house clean, but we can afford a cleaner.

What she was looking from me was to take leadership, and leadership is about taking action. And a lot of times, it’s about being the first mover. Who’s gonna be the first one to move forward? Like I did in the PT session. And so, I’m always learning when I see guys like you, Ryan, doing this in all areas of your life. Whether it be taking your girls out surfing for your birthday. That’s an amazing photo that you shared. I’m like, man, I get to lead more with my kids. Thank you, Ryan. And these areas of our life, as men, we get to do that.

Ryan: Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, we learned this as kids. The first step in any process is to identify the problem. And in this, it becomes so much deeper when you can sit there and be like, I’m hurting. The problem is, I’m hurting, and I feel like a failure, and I feel like I have not only failed myself, but I failed my wife, I’m failing my employees, and I’m failing my kids. And I don’t know what to do. Perfect. Now we have the actual problem, now we can grow.

Because like I will leave calls every once in a while with a guy that has just stonewalled me out. Right? He just does not let me in. And I get to the end of the call, and I’m like, I just don’t think I helped that guy at all. I tried to give him direction, but I didn’t get to know him at all. I don’t have a clue what’s really going on. Like, you know, this has been going on for five years, but he seems fine. He says he runs marathons, his business is successful, he would just like to have a little bit better of a relationship. but when he opens up and digs in, they’ve not had sex in five years, he’s angry and yelling at his kids, but he just won’t go there. Seeing a guy be able to be open is the strongest, most powerful thing, to be able to say the truth, the real truth about where you’re at, and just say, I can’t do it on my own. Because when you do that- I always tell guys thinking about jumping in and getting started, I’m like: listen, here’s where you are, the reality of your life. You’re at the edge of the cliff, right? You’re at the edge of the cliff. And you have two choices. You can turn around, walk back down the mountain, and continue to live the same life you’ve been living. And you know exactly what that looks like. You’ve been doing it for five years, 10 years, 15 years, nothing’s gonna change. Or, you can jump off the cliff. Now, you jump off the cliff, probably never done it before. It’s scary as hell, you don’t know what’s gonna happen, what it’s gonna be like. But the cool thing about jumping off this cliff is, when you do, there’s 100 other dudes that jump off the cliff with you. And they’re right there. And they’ve been right there going through it with you, they can tell you, on the way down, how to pull the ripcord, how to glide, how to fly through this windstream and have the best experience.

So, you’re no longer alone. But the first step is that last one off the edge, and you’ve got to make that one on your own. But I promise you, when you’re off the ledge, there’s a whole army of guys that come around you, and you no longer feel alone. And I gotta tell you, that is the coolest moment for me, to see a guy do that. And then to get, you know, a text message from him a week later of like, whoa, the trainings, and the coach, and there’s this guy that lives right down the road for me and had been in construction, we’re 20 minutes apart and didn’t know, and he’s been going through the same thing, and we’re meeting… It’s just amazing to see these guys realize that there’s a completely different world that exists on the other side of that fear and doubt.

Doug Holt: It’s so true. And knowing that there’s 1000s of men that have been before you, and no one’s gone splat. 100% of people make it out to the the other side, which is really interesting. When I was hearing you talk, it brought a flashback for me. In Santa Barbara, California, my late 20s, I had a private personal training fitness studio. It was a newer thing. I’m not in my 20s anymore. So you guys can figure that out, over 20 years ago. I had this studio, and I had a guy that worked with me, very successful, one of those people that’s just a sage, like a wise, wise person. You understand this is a private training studio, so it wasn’t inexpensive to come into. It was on the main street of Santa Barbara. So, we charged a lot, but I like to say it was value-driven.

But anyway, this guy said, you know what was really weird, Doug? I was talking to a couple of my friends, and they’re like, why are you paying for personal training? You could just go to the gym and work out. And he said, I thought about that for a second, and I realized two things. One, I’ve been coming here for six months, and my body has completely changed. Two, those guys have been going to the gym for years, and they haven’t changed at all. And he said, also, Doug, I don’t do my own dentistry either. So, why would I read a book about dentistry and try to do it to myself when I could go to a professional and get it done right? I want results. And that’s what I think about for a lot of us men, and that’s stuck with me. This guy was just using it as a passing comment, but he’s one of those really wise men, there’s something really, really grounded there.

And I was going through my woes. Now, first of all, excuse for me, TPM didn’t exist at the time when I was going through my marriage problems. But I was listening to audiobooks, reading books, did multiple therapists with my wife and things. And none of it worked. Right? Until you find a methodology that you can follow step by step, that you know is going to get you out of it, you have to do the work, right? What you’re really saying is, guys, we can’t do the push ups for you. Right? Yeah, we can show you how to do a perfect pushup, we can show you exactly how to get the results that you want to get, but you actually have to get on the ground and do a push up – or for my men over in the UK, a press up. You have to do it yourself. And it’s really what it comes down to.

You don’t do your own dentistry. Unless you’re an accountant, you probably don’t do your taxes, but you’re hoping your dentist and your accountant have enough experience, have done enough reps, and have a methodology or a system that they can walk through because they’re humans too, and you hope they don’t screw up. Now, of course, just like cooking has a recipe, every once in a while, as a chef, they have to make tweaks depending on what’s going on. And everybody’s an individual. That’s what we do. But at the end of the day, we have a proven recipe. It’s award-winning, right? So to speak. And we make tweaks as necessary, depending on dietary restrictions, to use this analogy, but it still comes out as a perfect bake every time.

Ryan:  I think about, with medicine, and dentistry, all of those things, the way they did it 20 years ago that was state-of-the-art, well, it’s not anymore. And the best companies, people, they always innovate. They don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, but they’re like, okay, this was good, let’s take it to great. And I think something you said that just really spoke to me is, asking any guy, like, okay, so when you started your business, you just did it all on your own, right? Like, didn’t ask for help, didn’t learn from a mentor for 10 years, didn’t take over a company from a parent, or a friend, or a father? You just white-knuckled it, no experience, did it on your own?

There’s, like, 1% of 1% of 1% of people who have done that. Everybody else, they’ve got a mentor. When it comes to all these other parts of our life, we will seek people. And we don’t just seek people who are professionals at it. We always want the person that’s the professional that’s been through it. Right? Like, we want somebody that didn’t just learn it from a book, and they’re trying to recite to you what they know. The most powerful people in my life are the ones that were like, listen, I made this mistake, and this mistake, and this mistake, and this mistake, and so we’re gonna skip to number five here, that’s not the mistake, and we’re just gonna have you do that one.

That was some of the best advice you ever gave me, whenever I was still running my business. I had these all lofty ideas of what I needed to do and how I was going to, and all this stuff I had to do. And you’re like, listen, all you need to do is this one thing. And I want you to do this one thing for 30 days, that’s it. One thing for 30 days. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t get more clients than I ever had by doing that one thing in 30 days. And it seems simple and basic. And it is proven, and it works. So just work what works. And that’s what we give men here, the methodology. And then you’ve got a coach and a team around you that, when you start to go off the rails, because you will, you’re gonna start to get off into the gravel and be on the rumble strips.

They’re there to be like, No, let’s let’s get you back on the road, rather than letting you just go off the cliff and blow everything up and mess it all up, which is what happens a lot with counseling or different things. They mean well, it’s great. They’re professionals, but you don’t have that one-to-one, everyday, ‘in the trenches’ support. So, if you go see someone on Tuesday, and there’s a problem on Wednesday, well, you gotta carry that problem with you Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, all the way until you meet again. And here, you get so much support 24/7, always, to be able to keep you on those tracks for those hard moments. And you’re getting it from guys that have been through it. They’re not just making stuff up as they go, but they can really tell you from their experience, what they lived and what they did.

Doug Holt: So many great things there, Ryan, that’s why you’re one of the top advisors we have. Guys, success leaves clues. Bottom line – success leaves clues. And at TPM, we are always innovating. After every group we run, we go back and say, Hey, how could we have done this better? How can we get the guys results faster? How can we help them out more? Every single group. We’ve been doing this for a long time. So, you know, you can imagine what it gets like as a polished machine, and we’re still working on it. We’re still working on the bumps and things of that nature. That’s to be expected. So, gentlemen, I’m going to ask you, if you’re listening to Ryan, where are you not stepping to the edge of the cliff and actually jumping off?

You know, an analogy that comes to mind, Ryan, that you hear a lot – you have one foot on the dock, one foot on the boat. And when the boat starts taking off, that gets really uncomfortable. So make a decision: get on or get off. Take that step and take that leap. And to me, that comes down to leadership. Where are you not leading in your life? Are you not leading your kids? Are you not leading your marriage, your relationship? Or, are you not leading yourself? So many of us fall into that trap, especially as businessmen. We’re out there sacrificing for other people, saving other people, yet we’re not taking care of ourselves.

So, if you’re interested in getting on a call with one of our advisors, or Ryan in particular, in fact, you want to go get on a call with Ryan, just go ahead and email vip@thepowerfulman.com and just mention Mr. Peach here, Ryan Peach. That’s vip@thepowerfulman.com. Or, you can go to thepowerfulman.com, you can hit start here, and you get the opportunity to get on a call with Ryan. If want to speak to Ryan specifically, go ahead and shoot an email over and let them know that you want to speak to Ryan. Ryan is just an awesome guy to get to know, whether you join the movement or not. You know, we can’t have enough great men in our lives. Ryan is certainly one in my life that is always affecting me and impacting me. Gentlemen, have an amazing day. Ryan, thank you so much for all that you do for the movement, me and my family, and for everybody else.

Ryan:  Thank you.