Why You’re Crushing It In Business, But Completely Unhappy

Episode #739

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Transcription

Tim Matthews  00:00

Hello, everybody, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I am joined with the one and only, the King himself, not Elvis. Mr. Magoulianiti, our master coach. Arthur, how you doing, brother?

Arthur Magoulianiti  00:33

Hi. How are we doing?

Tim Matthews  00:34

I’m great. So, as you know, we want to talk about today is why you’re crushing it in business, but still unhappy. And what came to mind for me, I said I’d drop you in it a little bit, was the first conversation we ever had.

Arthur Magoulianiti  00:49

Wow.

Tim Matthews  00:50

Yeah, I remember it very well. And I think you correct me if I’m wrong, but I think you were in this position at least somewhat. I know you’d just done some work and you’d gone through some things, so it probably wasn’t as bad as it was prior to doing that work. I know you’ve also shared with me stories around how you were feeling before you ventured into that first bit of work. You did a couple of things before you ended up at the powerful man. But if I’m on the right path here, I’d love for you to share what was going on for you back then.

Arthur Magoulianiti  01:31

Okay. Yeah, talk about dropping me in it. So, back then, there had been quite a few life changes. We had our children, Harry. Then we moved to Cyprus, then we had Maria. And so there was a shifting career there. I was involved in property, as you know, and had done pretty well for about five years there. And on the back of that, we could move to Cyprus. And then it was okay. Now what? Right?

So, financially, we were okay, but from a perspective of, what do I do now? That was an issue. That was a challenge. And that got me stuck in my head for quite a while, just going round and round and round because I wasn’t clear on what it is or what it was that I wanted to do. And so it actually got pretty bad because I got so stuck in my head. And this is something we talk to the guys about all the time. If you’re in your head, you’re dead. And I was disconnected from my real desires, which then confused the whole subject.

And so at that point, I started reaching out, thinking, I can’t go on like I’d bought Penny. My wife, Penelope. She’ll call her. She’ll kill me if I call her. Penny, I’d bought Penelope completely with the same story over and over and over and over. And then, yeah, I just said, I need to get some help because I’m not happy. I had the finances, I had income. I had beautiful family, we lived in a beautiful place. And I just wasn’t happy. And I didn’t know why. And the reason is I didn’t feel connected with all of that, which, as we know, I wasn’t connected with myself. That started the journey of reaching out. I went and did a course which then opened up the world, got me reenergized, got connected, figured out what I was missing, and then boom, boom, boom. Two, three steps, I was speaking to you over New Year’s in Prague.

Tim Matthews  03:43

Yeah, I remember. Okay, fantastic. And sort of writing, saying when you figured out what was going on for you, it was that the disconnection was the issue, both from yourself, from others, from being able to connect with the success you’d created.

Arthur Magoulianiti  04:01

Yeah, a couple of things here. One was, I was still carrying masks. I still had some masks up. I got to be like this. I should be doing this. So I wasn’t showing up authentically. Okay. That was one of the things. The other thing is, I realized, and this is interesting because just thinking about it was just the previous podcast we did was I wasn’t filling my tanks with the things that energized me. And so when I went out and I surrounded myself with amazing people, I started learning and growing again. I started giving back. Those started were partly filling my buckets, but at the same time also doing things that I love, providing impact.

Tim Matthews  04:51

I had a just flash memory then come in about your reset as well, when you said something. Do you remember what came up for you at your reset?

Arthur Magoulianiti  05:01

Parts of it, yeah.

Tim Matthews  05:02

There was a couple of key themes, at least I recall. One was obviously the relationship with Harry. And the other key theme that I recall was this idea of that mask and the idea that you were wanting to or you felt like you needed to prove something to somebody. Just, can you elaborate on that a little bit?

Arthur Magoulianiti  05:23

Well, it all comes back from the whole limiting belief that I’m not good enough. All right? Which I’ve carried, and we all carry some sort of limiting belief, a central limiting belief. And a lot of people have got that one. I’m not powerful enough. I’m not good enough. Mine was, I’m not good enough. And so I lived my life like I had to prove to myself and to others that I was. And part of that was really good because you do a lot of stuff. And I’ve done a lot of stuff, some stupid stuff like jumping off this and breaking things and whatever part of the courses that I was on.

But that also put me in a situation where I had to try to prove myself to other people to be loved. And as we know on the other side of that, you can never do that, and you don’t need to do that for people to love you. You just got to accept that. Oh, I got this limiting belief. This is the mask that you’ve been carrying. You drop that, you become vulnerable, you open up. And I remember that clearing conversation that you asked me or challenged me, should I say on Facebook, of all things, which was amazing in opening things up and me just dropping things and just showing up authentically.

Tim Matthews  06:41

Yeah, I recall that. You want me to do what?

Arthur Magoulianiti  06:47

Yeah. Or someone. That’s pretty private.

Tim Matthews  06:49

Oh, yeah, I know.

Arthur Magoulianiti  06:51

I’m happy to talk Guadalajara with people, but to put myself out there and open up, that was probably the most exposing thing that I’ve done.

Tim Matthews  06:59

Yeah, I remember when I did it, it exposed me in a major, major way. And looking back for me, because I resonate with what you’re saying, I discovered along my journey that, yeah, there was a major belief going on inside of me that I also wasn’t good enough. And the way it showed up in my life back then was similar to you, the mask, right? But for me, it was like the mask of success, the mask of confidence.

So I’d strive in business, I built. Back then, we had a fitness franchise. We were the franchisee. We had franchisees across the UK. On the surface, it looked great. One of the UK’s fastest growing fitness franchises in its particular niche at its time. Underneath the surface, it was awful. Chaos, firefighting, undercharging, all sorts, but it looked great on the surface, right? I remember getting featured on radio and all sorts, but it just, relationship on the surface looks good. Just booked a wedding at a gorgeous venue, just bought a four bedroom detached house for us to move into and have a family.

Everything on the surface looked great underneath it, far from it. It was an incredibly dysfunctional, toxic relationship that just wasn’t working. I don’t think it was serving either of us, quite frankly. And how I felt as well on the surface, confident, bravado, banter, all that kind of stuff. But back then, I had no routines. I’d be up 05:00 a.m. At work for 06:00 a.m. Finish work 09:00 p.m. I remember one week this is when we’re in a circle the other day and one of the guys in there was sharing about how he would work 80 hours, weeks or whatever. I can resonate because for many years I was working 16, 17, I think the most was 18 hours, days across Monday to Friday, then Saturday. I’d usually work a good chunk and Sunday do a few hours as well.

And the sense of pride I used to get when I would lay my head on the pillow at night knowing that I’d done 16 hours, I was like, I felt so accomplished. But, yeah, no routines, no reflection, no filling my cup, none of those things. And so again, on the surface it looked great. Underneath it, no matter what I achieved or what I had going on in my life, it just did not land. And I was stuck in this cycle of stress, struggle and sacrifice, trying to out hustle myself, trying to outwork my belief. Okay, well, when I get to this point, that’s when I’ll feel better. When I get to this point, then I will not work as hard or whatever.

And as you know, that point never arrives. The goal posts just move. And for me, I just go through waves of getting ill too. Only little bouts of illness like a cold or. Remember one time I got shingles, which is stress related, right? Because I was just pushing and pushing and pushing. Yeah, no surprise. But yeah, it was just crazy. But anyway, point being is where I was going with all of that. I came to realize that underneath all the surface level bravado and confidence and success and such, I just didn’t feel good enough. And as I began to realize it, it happened over a period of six to twelve months. I just addressed these things one by one.

First thing was a relationship, right? Realized that wasn’t the right thing for me to be in. Overcome the fear of rejection, overcome the fear that nobody else would want me and ended it. Also what people think of me as well, because a big people pleaser back then. Yeah, big, massive. And that was part of the reason why I proposed and such.

But anyway, so I became aware of that. I was able to call off the wedding, didn’t move into the house, and I won’t boy with the story because you heard it many times and so the listeners. But as I addressed these things one by one, I just had the overriding feeling that I had to share this on Facebook. And like you, I was private, so I didn’t post anything on there. And I went to the extreme, taking pictures of myself in my boxes, my boxer shots, and posting it on Facebook because I was just tired of all the masks, right?

There was a mask of fitness, there was a mask of success. There was a mask of all these different masks I was wearing. I just had to take them off and get the skeletons out of the closet. And as we’re sharing these things through social media, I had one of three responses from people, have you gone insane? Literally, people had thought I had gone insane. Are you okay? Like, yeah, I’m great, actually. Why? Which probably made them even more worried because it just didn’t stack up. Right?

Second one, have you joined a cult? No. And the third one is, hey, I resonate with this because I was sharing the message hours, guys, we often strive in business to prove ourselves, but underneath it, we don’t feel good enough. And we put our success on the business, the house, the car, the relationship, whatever it may be. And yeah, guys just started to. Some guys just started to reach out and I started to jump on and share with them what I’d been doing over the past six to twelve months. What really helped me and that public exposure was one of them.

Arthur Magoulianiti  12:44

Yeah.

Tim Matthews  12:45

So I’m good. Totally get the resistance you had, because when I was doing this, I was like, this is nuts. But it’s also super liberating as well.

Arthur Magoulianiti  12:54

But you know what your fuddy pot is. I think I probably did that video about seven times before I actually put it out. But it got better and better every time. That was a turning point. So, yeah, thank you. I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you for putting me through that trauma, but…

Tim Matthews  13:11

Trauma. I would love to be in a fly on the wall as you recorded those seven videos. I can imagine how frustrated and annoyed and you’d have been calling me all sorts of names.

Arthur Magoulianiti  13:21

Every name, I think, under the sun. But anyway, moving on. But I think I want to pick up a point that you said there. It’s people trying to prove something and just bringing it back to the point of this podcast. If you’re in a business and you’re not feeling it, all right, it’s probably because you are measuring it in an incorrect way or a wrong way. Because if you’re trying to prove yourself and it’s like, how much money can I make? And that’s my thing, that’s not going to satisfy the limiting belief, right? Because no matter what you do, the limiting belief is still there. You can’t out prove it. It’s part of your ego, it’s part of your psyche. The only thing you can really do is acknowledge it and then work with it.

Okay. So then it loses its power over you. That’s my belief, anyway. I also see a lot of guys caught up in just the money making part of a Business. It’s just like, oh, I got to make money. I got to make money. And so every business guy has got to get really clear on what is motivating him and make sure that that is real. Because if he’s not feeling it, there’s something wrong. If he’s not feeling it, he’s disconnected. Right?

And so what is that disconnection? Is it the business? I think a lot of guys are in the wrong business. They got into it. They don’t like what they do, but they’re doing it because it’s making money. And that’s fine for a short period of time, but over time, that’s going to erode your well-being. And I’ve been in two minds whether the ultimate is to find your passion and then make money doing that. Right?

I’m not convinced that that is the only way you can go make money over here and then use that on your passion. But the point is, if you’re not connected with what you’re doing, if you’re not feeling it, if it’s not filling your buckets, then it’s a slippery slope. And the problem with that is that that’s going to feed into effect, should I say, every other area of your life at the same time?

Tim Matthews  15:10

Yeah, 100%. When the guys come to us, we talk about them living from the outside in. A big philosophy of ours is outside into inside out have, do, be when they come to us, and it’s like, okay, when I have the house, then I’ll work less, and then I’ll be a present father, right? Or when I have the 2 million in the bank or 10 million in the bank or whatever money is, then I’ll work less, then I’ll follow my passion, and then I’ll be happy, whatever it may be.

Arthur Magoulianiti  15:54

I call it the winner lighter’s disease. When this, then…

Tim Matthews  16:00

And the opposite of have, do, be. Be, do, have.

Arthur Magoulianiti  16:02

Right.

Tim Matthews  16:02

To your point, you choose to. I love the work we do with the men when we hold up that mirror and help them realize, oh, crap, this is what’s really been running my life. This unconscious narrative of unworthiness, really, that’s showing up in me, saying yes to things that are really a no just to please people, saying no to things that are really a yes because I don’t feel like I deserve them. Just working myself to the bone, because I always feel like enough is never enough delaying my own happiness and satisfaction because again, I’m just not worth it.

And as a result, they don’t know what makes them happy, they don’t know who they are, they don’t know what they want. Truly you don’t know who you are can be a deep question, but it’s really not when you begin to learn how to connect to yourself and to your desires and to your wants and speak up for them and all that kind of stuff. But anyway, go from outside in have, do, be to inside out and be do have you figure out how to be happy now with yourself without the need of any external validation or something outside of you proving that you are good enough.

And when you choose to be happy now, you then do the action that’s aligned to that, let’s say whatever it may be as a father or so you arrange work so you there to wake up with the kids, pick the kids up from school, put the kids to bed, you realize that no matter how much you work, there’s always going to be more. That’s why we say to the men in the movement, the journey is the destination. There is no end result. Because the men that we work with, what I love about them is they love to achieve, they love the challenge. And when they realize that the challenge is never going to end because they’re always going to seek it out because it’s who they are.

To the point of the last podcast, you’re able to change the pace of the race. You settle in for the long haul instead of trying to sprint and redline it for what you pretend is 90 days or a quarter, but really it’s years, right? When they realign to be, do, have. The beautiful thing about realigning to B do have in my opinion, is the men achieve greater levels of success with less effort and it lands for them. They have feelings of fulfillment, happiness, joy. And peace becomes power, right? Peace truly becomes the power. I love that I always like to say go within or go without. And I think for a long time prior, when the living have, do, be outside in, they see peace as a weakness, peace as a threat, right? And it just isn’t.

Arthur Magoulianiti  18:53

Yeah, that word peace, if I look over the last two, three years, that’s been a big thing for me. And he’s just like, it’s priceless. Peace is priceless. And yeah, that’s been like, I just want peace because I got involved in a couple of things I shouldn’t have got involved and that was stressful, right? And if I look back probably for the wrong reason, chasing something that I shouldn’t have. But it also brings me back to the point of power versus force.

And when we try force things through our life and we show up with force, that’s always going to give us bad RESULTS  or not great RESULTS, should I say, and maybe outward. It is a great result. Oh, I created this. Yeah, cool. But at what cost? If you look behind you, is it just like scorched Earth policy? Where’s your relationship? Where’s your health, where’s your friends and the rest? And so we don’t want that. We want power.

And power means that you are connected with yourself, taking care of yourself, showing up and doing things, and actually appreciating a lot because we’ve been having this joke about appreciation, and you can explain it, but appreciating where you are right now, enjoying where you are right now, connecting with yourself, where you are right now, and that changes the landscape, doesn’t mean you’re not successful, doesn’t mean you take a step back, as you say, it actually means you probably will go faster, better, higher.

Tim Matthews  20:35

Big time. Peace is power leads to freedom and fulfillment. The freedom for you to be who you want to be without anything to hide, anything to prove. And you get the fulfillment. Right, because success begins to land and you feel it. So what are three action points that a guy listening to this, who’s resonating with it, he can take away and do right now?

Arthur Magoulianiti  21:00

Well, I think the first one is get really serious and really honest with yourself. Do you have your ladder, that whole concept about putting your ladder up against the wrong building, and if it’s yes, then start thinking about, okay, I need to shift, and how do I do that? Best way to do that is to get some help, because on your own, in your own perspective, that may not be enough.

Tim Matthews  21:33

No.

Arthur Magoulianiti  21:33

So is your ladder against the wrong building and are you climbing in the wrong direction? We address that sooner than later. Definitely one thing to do. I think you also got to take a hard look at yourself and see what are you trying to prove. Are you trying to prove something to somebody? Yeah, it can be a great motivator, but if you’re running your life like that, then you’re never going to actually prove that. And so back to the winner. Lightest thing that, well, if you’re living like that, then you’re aiming your direction, your trajectory in the wrong direction, and you cannot achieve that.

So once again, you got to get really honest with the story that you’re saying. I think that’s where it starts, really? I can’t think of a third right now because it all stems from that initial conversation with yourself and with the people supporting you. Is this right? And I think the third thing might be self-care once again. Well, actually is are you growing? Because for me, that was the major thing. I pushed myself. I put myself in a situation where I was forced to grow and that helped me get out of the rut that I was in.

Tim Matthews  22:35

Goes back to your first two points, right?

Arthur Magoulianiti  22:37

Yeah.

Tim Matthews  22:38

The thing that comes to mind for me is the idea that happiness is never going to land. If the pace of the race is too high, it’s too fast. In order for you to sit back and receive and let the happiness actually land and for it to fill you up, you’ve got to be at a different pace at certain points in the race.

Arthur Magoulianiti  22:59

Yes.

Tim Matthews  23:00

Right? And I think receiving, that’s a point for, I think a lot of men struggle with. I used to struggle with that a lot. I won’t go into that now. But I think the ability to receive, and, in fact, just on that point, if you are somebody that struggles to receive any of a compliment, someone gives you a compliment and you brush it off, that’s a tell-tale sign that you in that moment are struggling to receive. So if you can’t receive even a compliment, how do you expect to receive and let success land? Right? So you get to look at that.

 Second thing is the pace of the race. If you’re constantly redlining, you’re going to very much struggle to receive. If you do, do, do, do,  there’s got to be an element of be in there as well. And the third thing is a saying that I love to share is the idea that what if the thing that you are chasing is actually chasing you and all you have to do is slow down and let it catch you up.

I think we get so focused on heading over there and running and running and running that what if we could just pause, take a look over the shoulder, realize it’s actually behind us. We just get to slow down and let that thing catch us up.

Arthur Magoulianiti  24:21

I love that. Compare that to, well, the way I relate that is getting out of your head and actually connecting with your heart and your true desires, which we often just steamroll right over with our big time superior thinking, which actually may not be that superior.

Tim Matthews  24:40

Beautiful. Well, guys, you’ve heard it from the man himself, Mr. Magoulianiti. And as Dougie Fresh always says, the moment of insight. Take massive action. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man show.

Doug Holt  24:56

All right, guys, that’s a wrap for this episode. But as I always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. You see, there are two types of men that listen to a podcast like this, those that go on from one podcast or show to another just hoping things are going to change and realizing that they’re going to be in the same place month after month, year after year.

You see, I was this guy so I completely get it. You may just not be ready. But there’s also a second man, a second man that listens to a show just like this. And this is a guy who takes massive action so they can shorten the learning curve, compress time, and get RESULTS to be the WOLF. See, WOLF is an acronym for Wise, Open, Loving, and Fierce.

Now ask yourself, which one am I? And just be honest with yourself there. And there’s no judgment on my end. But if you’re ready to move from deactivated DEER mode, which is Defend, Excuse, Explain, and React to activated WOLF, Wise, Open, Loving and Fierce, then go over to thepowerfulman.com/grow. And go there now. In fact, I’ll make it super easy for you. I will even put the link right in the description here so you can just click it and go over there now to learn more. Guys, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Go from deactivated to activated, because like I said, life is too short for average and I’ll see you on the next episode!