Episode #897
Are you and your partner feeling a disconnect in the bedroom? Many couples experience this, often without fully understanding why. In this episode, Erin joins me to dive into the deep differences in emotional and physical needs between men and women. We explore how these needs shape intimacy and connection in relationships and, most importantly, how recognizing and honoring those differences can bring you closer.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why men often feel connected through sex, while women generally seek connection before intimacy
- How cultural narratives can create misunderstandings about male sexuality
- The importance of emotional safety in a relationship and why it directly impacts your sex life
- Practical ways to “break the cycle” of trading needs for needs and start meeting each other’s needs out of genuine love and respect
- How a supportive environment at home can foster more passion and deeper connection in the bedroom
Join us as we break down the real-life strategies for cultivating a fulfilling, intimate connection in marriage, and start seeing your relationship in a whole new light.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
When a man has sex, he feels connection, yeah? And a woman needs connection to have sex or to want to, generally speaking, yeah, the bell-shaped curve type deal, yeah.
Erin Holt 0:09
It was just also understanding that, because as women, like a lot of cultural whatever stories they were told, they’re like, “Oh, they’re such pigs. They’re so disgusting.” I mean, there’s been so many negative things said about you guys and your need for sex, right? I’m sure you’ve heard it all or had to work through all the things, and that really sucks.
Doug Holt 0:40
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM show, and we are once again graced by having my wife, Erin Holt, here today to provide us with a woman’s perspective. Now, if you haven’t been to the show before, you may not know this, but my wife is a coach. She coaches women, mostly married women, although she does coach kids as well as women who are single, but married women are her focus. And so she’s got a unique perspective that us as men want to have, especially as guys that are in relationships with women, because she talks to so many of them, and she’s going to do that today for us. Thanks for being here.
Erin Holt 1:16
Glad to be here.
Doug Holt 1:17
It’s awesome to have you here as always and get a chance to have these dialogs. So you put something on the table because you were talking to a client of yours, and essentially, what we’re going to talk about today is what happens with emotional needs, and when a man can meet a woman’s emotional needs, and that could lead to more intimacy in the bedroom, definitely.
Erin Holt 1:34
I mean, I’m sure you hear it all the time; actually, I know you do. Like the topic of sex and intimacy in relationships is super, super important. I have yet to know of a long-term relationship that hasn’t gone through evolutions of how that shows up in a relationship, you know, challenges, and also learning how to create it where it’s an amazing thing for both people involved. So specifically today, we’re just talking about and honoring the differences between men and women. Sometimes I think we all kind of mesh everybody together, like we’re all the same, and in fact, we’re more different than the same. The more I learn about the differences between men and women, the more I’m able to have more love and respect for myself and women, and more love and respect for men. It’s just like, gosh, if we just learn to honor our differences, we can really start to see each other from perspectives that are beneficial to our relationship instead of detrimental, and that includes our sex life.
Doug Holt 2:36
It’s so true, and we say it a lot on the show, but there’s no other species out there where we lump the male and the female of that species together. Science always separates them, right? Because they’re so different biologically, hormonally…well, hormonally, maybe part of it…but biologically, yeah, hormonally, too. There are so many differences between the sexes in the species, and humans are the same, right? Your hormones are different than mine. The way you use your brain is different than mine. Your physical attributes are different than mine, right? You can birth a child; I can’t. Like, all kinds of things come through there. And then also, you put on top of that societal norms and societal pressures and the fact that we expect the man and the woman to be the same and that her expectations are the same, and it’s completely ass-backwards.
Erin Holt 3:27
I think it leads to a lot of confused men and women in relationships, frustration, resentments, and just feeling fed up. Then the whole story of “You always, you never” type situation. Specifically, we were talking about honoring the difference, and we can go into this further, maybe in another podcast, but like, the difference between sex for men and women. Women want and need sex absolutely, yep. And, I mean, you’re a man, but I’ve learned to know this: sex is like a need for you guys, just like water and food, yep, right? And with that need getting met, it’s a way you feel loved and connected. Obviously, it feels good physically. We all know this. It’s fun; it’s intimate, correct?
Doug Holt 4:16
Yeah, I always say that when a man has sex, he feels connection, yeah? And a woman needs connection to have sex or to want to, generally speaking.
Erin Holt 4:27
The bell-shaped curve type deal, yeah. And it’s just also understanding that because, as women, we hear a lot of cultural whatever stories that say, “Oh, men are such pigs. They’re so disgusting.” I mean, there’s been so many negative things said about you guys and your need for sex, right? I’m sure you’ve heard it all or had to work through all the things, and that really sucks. Right? Because if it’s a need, it’s a legitimate need, and if you can…I’ve learned to, like, undo that conditioning because I was taught that, right? That’s all men want, blah, blah, blah, right? And then, on the opposite side, it’s like a woman learning to honor and respect that our need for emotional connection and intimacy with our man is just as high as your need for sex. There’s no hierarchy. There’s not one that’s better than the other. They’re completely different, but when men can understand it from that perspective, it’s not frivolous, it’s not needy, it’s not all the labels that we get—too emotional, right? We get all these negative things. When that need is met within a relationship from our man, yes, we get it from our girlfriends, and it’s totally different, but we want to have sex. Like, pay attention to us, give us your undivided attention and energy. Get into our world, like, listen to our feelings, let us have a space to go to where we know we can trust you. You’re safe. You’re gonna have our back. You know how to love us well; we want your attention way more than anybody else’s. And when we get that, we want to jump your bones. It’s a really positive feedback loop.
Doug Holt 6:07
Colin’s here, so no. Of course, I know this from our conversations and the studies that I’ve done, and I think what happens with a lot of people…well, I’ll talk about what I see with a lot of guys that I work with. It’s more of a “Well, I’ll fulfill her needs once mine are met,” right? And so, you know, this is horse trading, right? But it’s basically, “I’ll do this when they do that,” rather than looking at it from the perspective that we approach our marriage with: I love you, and I want the best for you, so I just do things I feel are the best for you, right? I mean, I just do them because I love you and not because I’m gonna get something in return, or I’m not going to do the dishes until Erin vacuums the rug, or some BS like that. It’s easy to get caught in that game. It’s just kind of human nature. It’s the teenager inside of us that kicks in and kind of stomps their feet. Our kids do that, right? And I see it in our children, who are amazing, and they’re four and seven years old. When I see this happen with adults, I look back early on in our marriage and how often both of us did that, kind of holding a grudge. “Well, she’s not doing this, so therefore I’m not doing that,” or vice versa.
Erin Holt 7:27
Yeah, and then I think also through that, what can creep in is, like, the story you’re telling yourself about your partner. Like, if I was telling the story, “Ugh, Doug’s such a slob. He thinks he can just leave his stuff everywhere, and I’ll take care of it.” And then, like, if that’s my story of Doug, then every time you’re in a rush between meetings and you just leave your bowl out, I’m like, “Oh my God, he’s such a jerk. He’s such a slob and doesn’t respect me,” right? Versus, like, it’s also like clearing up what’s the story you’re telling yourself about your partner. And then, like, the other thing is too, I think sometimes I’ve talked to a lot of men, through The Powerful Man and stuff like that, just being, like, trying to understand emotional intent, like really wanting to know what that is. And like, I said some of the main words: trust, safety.
You’re a safe place for her to land. But also, just like, it’s easy. I think just like in a business, you’re gonna have constant meetings and touch points, and there’s gonna be miscommunications, and you go back and clean up, like, “No, this project needs this person on here.” Like, you would never just have one conversation and then expect your business to run perfectly for the next 40 years. Your business would die. Same thing for a long-term partnership or marriage. Like, you need to put energy into it. And whatever you put your attention on and intention into, that’s like a PowerPoint right there. Give your positive attention to your person with the intention of connection and intimacy. This is the one person, if you’re in a monogamous relationship, that you’re sharing that with. Bring some good juju and energy to it.
Doug Holt 9:08
You’ve said so many things that are great, and I want to first apologize about the bowl that I did leave in the sink trying to run here to do this podcast with you. I think it all starts with, I know we’re going a little off topic, but it’s so important—having the idea that the person that you’re with is doing good, right? Thinking the good things, rather than looking at the negative. A lot of our guys are businessmen that listen to the show, and as a businessman, the easiest thing to do is find problems in your business. It’s the easiest thing. The hard thing is enjoying the journey and all the positive successes you’ve had, because once you achieve a goal or success, you create another gap, because there’s something else you want to achieve. And then you look at all the negatives that are going through there. The same could be said in a relationship. So often, you know, I could look at you and say, “Erin left the bathroom counter a complete mess,” rather than thinking, “How awesome was it that she was taking care of the kids, carving pumpkins this morning, getting the trays out, getting breakfast ready, getting the kids off to school, all the other things.” Instead of just focusing on, “She left her stuff out in the sink, probably because she was trying to get the kids’ shoes on, get them out the door, she didn’t have time to clean up,” right? There are two different paradigms, and it’s how we look at the lens through which we look at other people, especially the person we’re the closest to, which is our partner. The person we said, “Hey, I want to do life with you. I want to do the rest of my life with you.” Not, “I want you to be my servant,” not, “I want you to just provide money or whatever else.” I want to do life with you.
Another thing I want to add to that is so often when I talk to guys about their marriages, especially guys who’ve been married for a long time, they forget that their wife has changed from being the woman that they married to the woman she is today. Like, I’d be ridiculous to think that when I met you in our 20s or 30s, that you’re the same woman today. 20s, your 20s? Yeah, you’re 18, you’re only 25 now, right? You get the idea. And a question I’ll ask guys sometimes is, “Who’s your wife’s best friend? Who does she talk to the most? What books is she reading?” Things like that. Very rarely can a guy answer any of those questions. I’m fortunate that I do take interest in the books you’re reading, the things that you’re into, and you and I have a great dialogue about it. And I find it interesting; I find it fascinating. I think a lot of people get stuck in this rut of just assuming that the person they’re with is the same person they were 10 years ago, five years ago, a year ago, six months ago. So much can happen and so much can change.
Erin Holt 11:43
Another conversation tied in and similar is the very feminine side of the emotional world within a relationship and in a home. So it’s like, not tangible. It’s not like, “Oh wow, I just closed seven clients,” or “I just painted the house.” Whatever it is, it’s the intangible, unseen but very felt presence. You think about if you ever walk into a home, it doesn’t matter if it’s a mansion or a small home; it just feels good. That is a very feminine thing. And I will say, maybe some men are aware of this, or some are not, but that unseen world and managing that and keeping harmony and connection in that energy in a home takes a ton of energy from women. And it’s also a super high priority.
Doug Holt 12:43
Hey guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode because it’s dawned on me that many of you guys aren’t aware that we actually have a book on how to save your marriage without talking about it. Now, thousands of men have read it, and they’ve reviewed it, and I want to give you the opportunity to do the same if you’re interested in grabbing it. It’s a short read, but it’s helped a lot of men, just like you. And maybe you’re not interested in The Activation Method yet, but this is a small entry point that can really turn things around for you. Go over to Amazon. We have it priced as cheap as Amazon will let us, and that way, you have a resource that you can use right now to start getting some results in your marriage. Now let’s get back to the episode.
Erin Holt 13:20
I don’t know a woman, myself included, that doesn’t want their home to feel good, for their family and for people that come when they walk in it. Yes, the beauty, the look, that’s a whole other thing. I’m talking about the completely intangible. Men, I don’t know, they might not think about that, but you sure as heck know it’s not there when it’s off.
Doug Holt 13:43
I think all guys want their homes to feel good. I think whenever I talk to a man about our vision of wanting all kids to feel safe and that they can come and go, I know I joke about it sometimes with certain kids, but I want everybody that comes into our home to feel good. Like, “Hey, open-door policy” type thing. Yeah, rules and everything else, but, you know, boundaries, love, and it just feels like a sanctuary. But to your point, what I think you’re saying is that’s on the forefront of most women’s minds, whereas it’s not probably on most men’s minds. Men would think, “I want to make sure there’s food and snacks provided in the pantry.” They’re thinking about providing safety, making sure that they’re making enough money so there’s food in the cupboards. Those are the things that would be in the forefront of a man’s mind, and then also boundaries, like, make sure those little rugrats aren’t running around causing trouble, you know? That kind of stuff, right?
Erin Holt 14:38
Super tangible, yep. So the thing is, for the “rugrats” part, yeah, like, just like the women, we have a constant GPS on our people, like, “Are they healthy? Are they happy? Are they okay?” Like, we can’t turn it off. We don’t. It’s just there. It’s not like we even turn it on; it’s constant. And so knowing that takes a lot of our brainpower, a lot of our energy. It’s just like always running in the background. I’m sure there’s some computer analogy that I don’t know about, but it’s constantly on, never, ever off. So the level of importance of having a space where we can go and be held emotionally, and also you said a good word. Like, I know you, like, physically, you’re very strong. Yes, you’re going to keep me safe if somebody like Colton tries to attack me, which he never would, but I know you, you’re going to, like, destroy whoever tries to attack me. You’re also gonna hold an emotional boundary, like, say we’re out and somebody’s rude to me, you’re gonna be like, “No.” You’re my protector emotionally too. That is vital as well.
Doug Holt 15:46
And something I’ve learned over the years, of course. Listen, I have some questions I want to ask you, but let’s dive into that just a little bit because that took me a little bit of time to understand, and I don’t want to skim over an important process just because you and I understand it. So I want to make sure the guys listening to this kind of get what you’re saying. I remember one time you were crying, and I was going to walk out the door, and you were trying to stop me from leaving, and you said something about how you didn’t feel safe. You were like, “I’d rather you hit me than close off to me,” and I was like, “What the heck are you talking about?” If I hit you, I’d knock you out. Like, that’s gonna hurt. And that was back in the days when I was really, really fit, and I was doing Jiu-Jitsu, I think, at the time. So it’s like, “This doesn’t make any sense.” Like, I would never hit you, would never hurt you. And what I got from that conversation, because it stuck with me, was that it’s the emotional safety that’s required for men to provide their wives. Their wives want to be physically safe, but that should be an undercurrent that’s just guaranteed, right? I know it’s not in a lot of relationships, but our philosophy at The Powerful Man is that it should be. We don’t support any abuse, physical or emotional, but that just doesn’t get talked about as much. And so for a woman, a woman needs to feel emotionally safe. So when I explain this to guys, a lot of them are like, “Oh shit, that’s what she was saying.” So that’s why I want to go into it a little bit.
A woman needs emotional safety first and foremost, and if she can’t have emotional safety, she can’t be seen, heard, or desired, which are the next steps that we teach the guys. She needs to be provided that emotional safety, and that means not going into what we call “dear mode”—defending, excusing, explaining, and reacting. So I’m going to tell you my version, and you tell me if I get it somewhat close: a woman needs to feel energetically or in her space that she’s safe to be herself, and that her man is not going to be erratic. He’s going to be consistent and grounded, so therefore she can be free, and that’s a safety mechanism for women.
Erin Holt 18:07
Pretty well said, thank you.
Doug Holt 18:09
Let’s just leave it there and move on.
Erin Holt 18:14
Yeah, definitely. Where she can relax more into her feminine, which we’re craving and men are craving as well, right? Also tied in with that is trust. Trust from the angle that she can tell you her deepest, darkest secrets, and you’re going to hold that with her. And she can also trust that you’re going to keep your word and integrity. If you say simple things like, “Hey, I’m going to take over the trash on Tuesdays,” then do the trash. Things like that. Obviously, life comes up, but communicate it. There’s a safety in knowing that we can count on you, and safety in knowing that you’re going to have our back. Yes, we can fall apart in front of you, but then that’s how women move emotions through us. That’s how we move our feelings through us. That’s very feminine. When we cry, it’s very healing. So if you guys try and joke it away, or shut it down, or you’re just sitting there like, “Oh my God, I’m so uncomfortable”—and I get it, it’s different for you guys, you aren’t trained that way. But if we have a space where we can cry and melt and move the emotions through us, oh man, that’s healing. It releases so much cortisol. It’s just like… I just took a deep breath. Because it feels like taking a deep breath to know that we can do that.
Doug Holt 19:45
Something that I would tell the guys listening to this right now, because I love what you said, is, you know, I was talking to a gentleman the other day, and he was telling me that he and his partner, his wife, used to have amazing sex—wild sex, like anything goes, or pretty darn close, from what he was telling me. And now, it’s completely dried up in the bedroom. And what I was trying to explain to him is, if your wife doesn’t feel safe outside the bedroom, how the heck could you expect her to feel safe inside the bedroom, doing all the things that you’re describing you’d like to do with her, right? The first step is providing safety outside the bedroom. So if you want to have that wild, hot, passionate sex, or even just more frequent sex, then you need to provide safety outside the bedroom so she can feel safe to be that way with you inside the bedroom.
Erin Holt 21:19
One hundred percent true.
Doug Holt 21:20
Good. I’m making sure the things I’m teaching the guys are right.
Erin Holt 21:22
Yes, definitely.
Doug Holt 21:23
It’s just very common. And for us guys, we’ve never heard this before, right? This is all new. It was all new to me. I remember when you and I were going through our problems, I couldn’t find the answers. They didn’t exist. There wasn’t The Powerful Man; the relationship program wasn’t out there. And a lot of women think that the men that join our program just do it to get more sex. Do they want more? Probably, but is that the reason they join? No, not at all. They join because they want more connected sex. Men want connection too; otherwise, we’d just go masturbate, right? I mean, it’s faster; it’s easier in a lot of ways. So women need to know that men want that connection. They want that passion. They want their wife to look at them with love and respect in their eyes. And the way that you get that, gentlemen, is by providing love and respect back, right? And if you have to initiate it, initiate it, so you can get to that connection. And the way that women receive love and respect might be slightly different for each woman. You just get to figure out your partner’s needs.
Erin Holt 22:30
Yeah, I’m just thinking about how, for women, the sex starts before the bedroom.
Doug Holt 22:34
Yep.
Erin Holt 22:35
Big time. Flirt with her, kiss her, touch her, grab her. Touch her in a way only you can. Keep the energy alive.
Doug Holt 22:46
Yeah, you have to mix things up.
Erin Holt 22:49
Yep. And lead, yeah. Women love to be led in the bedroom.
Doug Holt 22:54
And outside the bedroom too.
Erin Holt 22:55
Oh, one hundred percent.
Doug Holt 22:57
If she’s not liking your leadership, odds are she doesn’t trust you. She doesn’t trust your leadership, right? That’s a common thing. It’s strange, because as modern men, we find ourselves in this weird space. It’s changing and evolving, but it’s like, you know, guys will talk about it all the time. “If I open the car door for a woman, one woman would love it. Another woman will yell at me for thinking she’s incapable.” I’m like, it’s the energetic appeal behind it. So what I always counter them with is, that same exact woman that yelled at you is loving another man opening that door for her. It’s all in the intention and timing.
Erin Holt 23:31
And it can depend on her state of mind that day. We’re human just like you guys. We all have bad days or good days, and you don’t know what somebody else is going through internally.
Doug Holt 23:44
Exactly. You never know. What I was going to ask you, and it’s a little off topic, but you were talking about how women keep track of their people and everything. Since I know you never have to deal with stressed-out businesspeople or businessmen who are taking on too much, right? But let’s talk about family dynamics for a minute. When kids are having problems, let’s say teenagers, does that disrupt the household energy significantly for most women?
Erin Holt 24:26
I haven’t raised a teenager yet, but I’ve been around a lot of teenagers. I can say, from my own experience and working with women, that women have a pulse on their people, like a GPS. If someone’s not okay, it’s like, we know it. It’s unspoken, but we just know.
Doug Holt 24:52
What I was thinking about was when we were leaving the TPM ranch, and we saw Chris. For those who don’t know, we have a 106-acre ranch where we hold events. It’s a physical location where we run a lot of our events. Anyway, Chris asked me a question, and I gave a one-word answer, and you commented on how different men and women are in communication. You noticed that Chris knew exactly what I meant and didn’t need to ask follow-up questions, while women would likely have asked more clarifying questions.
Erin Holt 25:31
Yes, it can definitely be disruptive. But with teenagers, you know you’re dealing with someone in a phase of life that’s rocky. They’re going through so many changes—hormones, emotions—it’s intense. We’ve all been through it. It’s challenging and wonderful at the same time. So if your partner acted like a teenager, that would be more disruptive. When a teenager acts like a teenager, it’s disruptive, but it’s kind of expected.
Doug Holt 26:20
Good thing I never do that.
Erin Holt 26:22
Right, same here. But yes, family dynamics, that’s a whole other conversation.
Doug Holt 26:28
It’d be a great episode to dive into family dynamics and how they affect relationships. There are so many areas we could explore, especially for the guys who go through our flagship program, The Activation Method. They’re learning how to change their communication style, save their marriage without talking about it, and a lot of these are energetic leadership strategies. What’s so interesting is that many guys say, “This is who I naturally am,” but they’ve suppressed it through societal expectations, work stress, and their own stories. Once they rediscover their authentic selves, their marriage blossoms. I remind them that their woman knew who she was marrying; she just hasn’t been getting that version of him lately.
Erin Holt 27:28
Exactly. I love having these conversations. Thank you for having me on.
Doug Holt 27:30
The guys are going to get a ton of value from your insights. So thank you for being here.
Erin Holt 27:33
You’re welcome.
Doug Holt 27:35
Alright, gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Erin just gave you a bunch of ideas. Remember, women need emotional safety first. After that, which should be a given, if you haven’t gotten there, that’s where you start. They need to feel seen, heard, and desired. Women do want sex—probably even more than most guys think—but they need that connection first. As I said, in the moment of insight, take massive action, and we’ll see you next time on the TPM Show.
