Episode #898
Are you putting in the work to improve yourself, only to feel like your wife doesn’t notice the changes? You’re not alone. Many men experience this frustration, wondering why their efforts to be better partners go unacknowledged.
In this episode, Doug and Erin Holt dive into the reasons behind this disconnect. Erin shares insights from a woman’s perspective, highlighting the importance of communication, consistency, and focusing on what truly impacts your relationship.
You’ll learn how to recognize if your efforts are coming across clearly—or if you’re missing the mark. Erin also reveals why your wife might feel skeptical or even fearful when you start showing up differently and how you can reassure her through openness and consistency.
Tune in for practical steps you can take to make sure your partner feels your commitment. It’s about showing up fully and keeping your energy, focus, and intentions clear.
In this episode, we cover:
- Why your wife might feel hesitant about your changes
- The importance of communicating your “why” behind personal growth
- How to avoid common pitfalls when trying to win back trust
- Practical ways to prove your commitment for the long term
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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
So many of the men that we work with fall, and I did this nice guy thing. “Well, if I clean the house properly, then she’ll be happy. Then she’ll see how great of a guy I am and how lucky she is to have me. Okay, then when I make, you know, another million dollars, or I buy the lake house, or whatever it is, then she’ll realize how amazing I am,” right? And so guys keep doing that, rather than just being their amazing selves.
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. Once again, we are joined by my beautiful wife, Erin Holt. Erin’s also a coach of women, so she’s representing all women across the world. But in all seriousness, she has a wide pool of data points, of not only herself being a woman and her girlfriends, but also the women she coaches. And for some of you guys listening to this, that might be your wife, actually, now that I think about it. So Erin’s got tons of information, and today we’re going to talk about, why doesn’t your wife notice the changes you’re making? I know I get this question from you guys a lot, and so today, Erin’s going to help us break that down. Thanks for being here.
Erin Holt 1:18
Thanks for having me. Love being here.
Doug Holt 1:19
Yeah, we love having you here. So this is a question I get often. I see it in our private community; the guys are making shifts, right? They’re making changes, and for them, these are huge changes, right? They’re doing morning routines. They’re doing their Alpha Rise and Shine. They’re changing the way they communicate. They’re no longer getting triggered and starting fights. All of these things are happening within their relationship, and yet they’re saying their wife is saying to them, “I’m not noticing the change.”
Erin Holt 1:52
Sure, hard to hear, especially when you’re working on yourself a lot. Yeah, absolutely. I have some reasons in my eyes—time and energy. One of the potential reasons that I hear from the other side, or just from being a woman, is it’s like, maybe the man’s doing all these things, and it’s like, you know, Alpha Rise and Shine and all these wonderful things that are taking more responsibility for his own self, and yet there could still be a gap where he’s not showing up that way inside of the marriage or relationship. So, in a way, it’s like the world and other people are still getting the best of him, and she is getting the leftovers. On some level, it might be more than before, but it’s like, you know, she’s experiencing, “Cool. Now you’re doing all this extra energy and putting all this extra energy and all these things for yourself, and I’m still the last on the totem pole.”
Doug Holt 2:49
So it’s really that he isn’t addressing the core. Now, he’s addressing the core issue, but he’s not addressing the issue that impacts her the most, right? Because, you know, as well as I do, that we have to fill our own cups first. He’s starting to do that, is what you’re saying. And she’s going, “Hey, I’m still last. This still sucks for me. Good for you, buddy, but this still sucks for me.” Yeah, and I could see that happening a lot. It makes total sense, by the way, especially in emotionally immature relationships. And I know it’s a triggering thing to say to people, but you and I were in an emotionally immature relationship. So when you look back at it, hindsight being 20/20, and most relationships with people that I know, that we go out and see, they are too, right? And you can see it playing out, or you and I can because we deal with this every single day. So that’s really interesting to address.
Doug Holt 3:58
The other thing that I come up with when I hear this sometimes, and I use this example a lot because I think it is so profound, is I had a guy come to me and go, “I’ve been making all these changes. I’ve been consistent for three weeks now. You know, it’s been great. Why isn’t she seeing the change? Why isn’t she reacting?” And I asked this guy, “Well, you told me your own words, that you used to be a jerk—a ‘whore’.” You used a different name, but I’ll use the word jerk. “Is that true?” And he’s like, “Oh, yeah, yeah.” I go, “How long were you a jerk for?” He goes, “Wow, at least 10 years.” Like, “So you’re telling me that you’ve changed, been consistent for three weeks, and you’ve broken that consistency in the past for three weeks, yet you’ve been a jerk for 10 years, and you’re expecting her to all of a sudden go, ‘Oh, you’ve changed. This is amazing!’ when she’s got 10 years of historical evidence and other times where you’ve changed and stopped and started, stopped and started. There’s no way that you would believe anybody’s made that change in only three weeks of data points.”
Erin Holt 4:44
And the other thing that I guess is coming up for me too is it’s like, and I know you’ve talked about this too, but it’s like, when you’re making changes as an individual, when one partner changes, sometimes that can be scary, even if it’s all the correct, right changes that you want. And just knowing that too, it’s like, also, you’re making these changes to, yes, be a whole, happy, healthy man and really heal and learn about yourself at this stage of life. And I want to be with you, and I want to be a better husband. I want to be the best version of myself, for me and for you. And if you have kids, whatever, communicate that, so there’s not such a fear around, “Okay, cool. Now you’re doing all these wonderful things. I’ve wanted this, but what does this mean for me? What does this mean for us? I’m uncertain, I’m scared. I maybe don’t want to admit it, because I don’t want to seem like that.” All the weird human stuff that we do. Just knowing, like, anytime a partner changes, even if it’s a healthy change, it can induce some fear.
Doug Holt 5:46
Yeah, the guys I work with—some of the guys I work with one-on-one in the past—you know what happens a lot, right? When it comes down, because I’m working with them one-on-one, it’s very intimate, right? I get to know them really well, and they start to make these radical shifts in their lives. Right now, they’re communicating better. They’re doing their Alpha Rise and Shine. They feel better about themselves. They’ve got their mojo back. Kind of like a lot of guys will say, “I feel like I’m in my 20s again, but I have the wisdom of my 40s.” And so they have all this energy, and they’re going out, and they’re attacking life again like they haven’t done in a long time. Meanwhile, their wife is watching, going, “Oh shit, is there another woman? Why is he making these changes? If our marriage isn’t working very well, and all of a sudden he’s feeling great, he starts to look better, he starts to act better, he starts to feel better.” And like, to your point, he’s starting to do these things that she has wanted him to do. Who is he doing them for? I think a lot of times, what happens with that is the woman wants to give pushback because she’s scared, right? I think just out of, like you said, consciously or unconsciously, there’s a fear level because his stock is rising, so to speak. And who is he doing this for?
Erin Holt 6:56
Yeah, the same thing happens on the reverse side too. So it’s, it’s like a human thing. I don’t think it’s male or female. Sure, it happens the same way, and it’s almost, in a way, either people—I don’t know. I know women like testing, like, “Is this real? Is this gonna last?” All the things, just trying to figure out the new equilibrium of the energetics of this relationship changing, and what does it feel like now? What does it look like now? Where do I stand?
Doug Holt 7:27
Yeah, that’s a great thing you just said—the energetics. And the reason I bring that up is, so in our flagship program, The Activation Method for relationships, we have guys that join the program and in the first week, turn their relationship a complete 180. And I believe it’s because their wife can feel that they’re serious about making changes. They invest money into a program. They’re actually doing the work, showing up to the coaching sessions and the calls and all that. And for those women, they’re like, “Okay, he’s serious. He’s making those changes. Let’s roll.” For other women, they, you know, some guys keep it secret. A lot of guys just don’t tell their wife they’re in the program, right? That’s very common. So now she’s just seeing these changes that come out of nowhere that could be very scary. But also, I think sometimes guys will get in it, and they’re kind of one foot in, one foot out, and she can feel that too.
Erin Holt 8:22
Absolutely, everything’s energy. Yeah, 1,000,000%. And it’s like, I have the opportunity at some of the retreats here to come in and talk to the guys. And it’s, you know, I love that experience, to see people and meet them. And we have an amazing group of guys, don’t we?
Doug Holt 8:57
Hey guys, sorry to interrupt this episode, but the reality is, if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself, and I applaud you. You’re one of my people, and I want to give you the opportunity of taking massive action. So if you haven’t joined The Activation Method yet, it’s our flagship program. Do what thousands of other businessmen, just like you, have done and take action. Be one of the one-percenters that actually does the work and takes action. There’ll be a link in the description that’ll take you right to a page. It’ll just give you more information. There is no obligation. Just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you. Alright, let’s get back to this episode.
Erin Holt 9:40
Every now and then I can, I can, energetically, feel a man will ask me a question, and I can tell he’s not listening to me. Yeah, I can feel it. I will call it out. I will say it because we’re in a safe space, like there’s a coach there they’ve worked with. They’ve been through this whole program and everything. And I’m like, if it’s showing up with me—like, I mean, we don’t have a history, all the things—I can guarantee you this is showing up in your relationship. And it’s just, you know, energy is everything.
Doug Holt 10:10
Can I give a point of clarity there?
Erin Holt 10:11
Absolutely.
Doug Holt 10:12
Because I know exactly what you’re talking about, because I’ve been there in the room when you do this, and I’ve been there when another coach has interrupted a guy, right? So what happens is, we do a program called the Alpha Reset. It’s an amazing, transformational program that happens over four days, and so on the last day, some groups of men are blessed by having you show up for a couple of hours and provide a woman’s perspective. These guys are in a heightened state. This program—most men will say it’s the most transformational thing they’ve ever done in their entire life, the most important thing they’ve done. If you’re interested in it, you can look at our website, ThePowerfulMan.com, and just look at some of the testimonials from guys like you. So during that, you come and talk, and guys are able to ask any question they want of you, right? But there are some guys—and it’s pretty rare, but I would say it’s one in every two or three groups of guys. There’s a guy there who’s just really trying to get his point across, and he’s not really asking a question. And you’re saying, I can pick up on it and feel it. The other guys in the room can too. So if you can feel it, sure as heck, his wife can feel it. And it’s been to the point where I remember Andy interrupting a guy and just kind of sternly saying, “Hey, you have this opportunity in front of you, and you’re not even listening. You’re just talking at Erin so that you can get validation for your point.” And if you guys are doing that at home, holy cow.
Erin Holt 11:41
And I don’t know if people listen to this podcast word-for-word or are going to come out, but what Andy does—or all the coaches do, and Andy does it really well—is like he, for my own safety, like I know nobody’s going to hurt me, but he holds an emotional boundary in that room really well, which ties into what we were talking about on the previous podcast, the difference between men and women. But yeah.
Doug Holt 12:03
You could say it. You know, a lot of these guys are gonna skip around podcasts. I do all the time. Shoot, we’re at 800 and some 900 podcasts at this point. Done this for years. So yeah, and that’s the thing, is holding that emotional boundary, and Andy does a great job of it. I try to leave the room so you have space. Because I always feel like I need to be a translator at times, because I talk to the guys so much. I am a dude, and I know you very well, and going in there to get that to a good point. So moving on to the whole idea of the conversation for men, right? So when a guy—well, let me ask you this from your client’s perspective, right? Not yours, of course, but from your client’s perspective, what is something a guy can do to prevent this fallout? So what is something he can do to not showcase but to ensure that his partner knows that he’s serious about making changes—say partner, his wife?
Erin Holt 13:07
Is he making changes in his life or within the marriage, or both?
Doug Holt 13:11
Both, but the marriage specifically.
Erin Holt 13:13
Perfect. It sounds like such a simple answer: rinse and repeat. Communicate, rinse and repeat. Communicate your intention and communicate your why. Tell her, like, “You know what, I’m going to be really committed to my health now. I know I’ve let it go the past few years. I’m going to be working out at 6 a.m. three days a week. Now, I know that means shifts in our schedule. Let’s sit down and talk about it. And I also, like, want to be the best version of myself, for me and for you. I’m not going anywhere.” Rinse and repeat, over and over.
Doug Holt 13:46
See, that’s Leadership 101, right? In business, I remember, Darcy has worked with us for 13 years now. I was like, I set a vision for the business, and just my thing was, put your head down, get shit done, right? And I remember looking up—gosh, it was a year later or something—and saying something to the whole team, and people looking puzzled. And Darcy goes, “Oh, I didn’t know we were still going this direction.” I was like, “Well, I haven’t said anything different, right?” So that was a learning lesson for me in business, as a business owner and leader, is always to repeat the vision over and over again. Which makes complete sense, because as a man, you want to be the leader in your household, you also need to rinse and repeat what you’re doing. And you also said something that I caught onto, which was, I’m not going anywhere.
Erin Holt 14:36
Yeah. I mean, yes, being reassured and, like, tell her, like, “I want to be with you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m, you know, this is my time to be a better version of me, yeah, for myself and for you and for our family. I’m in it for the long haul. I’m not going anywhere.”
Doug Holt 14:56
Yeah. And guys, you could say, like, “Look, I’m upgrading myself for us. For myself, first, for you, second, and for us, third.”
Erin Holt 15:05
It reminds me of, actually, just a few days ago, when I was talking to the guys with Andy. I was like, the most damage I’ve done in any relationship, and definitely in our marriage, is when I have abandoned myself. Whatever the reasons, it doesn’t really matter. And then I put it all on Doug to, like, fill my, you know, subconsciously, consciously, like, my happiness cup, or my professional cup, or just my—wham, you know. Just like, whenever anybody—the more you abandon yourself, like the worst version of you shows up in your marriage or in a relationship. So it’s like, it’s really like a beautiful gift you’re giving your partnership, and the entity of it is taking responsibility back for, like, you’re responsible for your internal world, you’re responsible for healing yourself, you’re responsible for your own happiness, you’re responsible for your health, you’re responsible for this—the state of your marriage. Like, it’s really sexy to be responsible and follow through with those intentions. Yeah, and I think it’s an important point here.
Doug Holt 16:07
I love that, babe. You don’t have to be perfect. The thing is, you have to just be—you have to acknowledge that the results you have in any area of your life, you’re 100% responsible for: how much money you have, the state of your marriage, how much sex you have, the state of your body, your health, your kids, your family—all of those things, you need to take responsibility for. And then it’s bonus points if you have action plans, or you’re at least trying to move forward in a positive direction in all of those areas. That’s what TPM really is all about. We really focus on—we talk about the relationships a lot, but there are five core areas we start men out on, which is self, right? You’re talking about your own inner world, health, wealth, relationships, and business. So all of those five things we work on with the men. We have two entry-point programs. One focuses on guys that are stuck and unsure—the self-portion of it, right, The Alpha Reset program. And then we also have The Activation Method, which is for relationships. And then we just got back from Prague, and it was about business, about artificial intelligence, and for all the men that came there, it was advanced training in business. So you’ve got to have all of those territories, and you have to accept what you’re saying—responsibility for your results in all those five.
Erin Holt 17:23
Yeah, because, again, energetically, it’s like, if you’re somehow on some level expecting your partner to fill you up or make you happy, or, “Yeah, I can’t do these things because of my partner,” it’s just like, those stories get old real fast, right? Like the victim or the burden to your partner, really.
Doug Holt 17:42
I hear it all the time from the men’s perspective. That’s who I talk to, who are trying to do things to make their wife happy. And that’s really getting to this No More Mr. Nice Guy thing. Robert Glover’s book is this whole… so many of the men that we work with fall—and I did this nice guy thing. “Well, if I clean the house properly, then she’ll be happy. Then she’ll see how great of a guy I am and how lucky she is to have me. Okay, then when I make, you know, another million dollars, or I buy the lake house, or whatever it is, then she’ll realize how amazing I am,” right? And so guys keep doing that, rather than just being their amazing selves.
Erin Holt 18:13
Yeah, it’s crazy, isn’t it?
Doug Holt 18:14
It is, when you think about it, because it’s almost like being selfish in certain ways is the healthiest thing for the marriage, in certain ways, like taking care of self. That’s what selfish really means. There’s just such a negative connotation when people get mad. When someone says to me, “You’re being selfish,” what they’re really saying to me is, “You’re not doing what I want you to do,” which is more of a negative, selfish thing to say to somebody. Like, “You’re not doing what I want; you’re doing all these things that you’re not doing this.” Therefore, you’re selfish when really we need to be self-full. We need to fill ourselves up. And what I tell the guys is, do it, but do it in a partnership role. To your point about saying, “I’m going to work out Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 6 a.m., so things are going to change.” I would approach it like, “Hey, babe, I really want to get my health and fitness back, and I’ve been focused so much on building TPM and getting this ranch and everything we’ve been doing. I let it slide, and I’m tired of making that excuse. I’d love to go to the gym three days a week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Can we make 6 a.m. work?” And now you can get into agreement with that, rather than, “You know, hey, 6 a.m., I’m doing this.”
Erin Holt 19:31
Exactly. Yeah, exactly.
Doug Holt 19:34
Perfect. Yeah. I am perfect. I love it. I’m sure you’ll tell me other things when the cameras are off. Now, we’ve evolved our marriage into those kinds of conversations, which have been great. You know, and there are certain times when, you know, you can just do kind of whatever you want, whenever you want during that time slot, and vice versa. There are certain things I have, like, this morning you said, or yesterday you told me, “Tomorrow, 6 a.m., the girls are coming over for a workout.” Yep, right? Cool. No worries. Yeah, and if I had a conflict, I would have told you, “Ah, six isn’t gonna work.” Then we would try to figure something out, yep, but it wasn’t dogmatic. It was kind of like—and you told me the day before, “Hey, tomorrow the girls are coming over at 6 o’clock. Don’t walk around naked, basically, unless you want to.” So yeah, it’s easy, flow communication, right? It’s not always perfect. We never pretend our marriage is perfect by any means.
Erin Holt 20:40
No, but you’re working on it. So I like that.
Doug Holt 20:42
Awesome. Any final words you want to give these guys about how they can, if they’re experiencing this idea that their partner’s not seeing the change or telling them at least they’re not seeing the change, what’s one or two things you want to leave them with?
Erin Holt 20:56
Like I said again, it’s just like, reiterating you’re not going anywhere. And it’s like Doug hit on it too. And it’s like, you know, sometimes when our marriage is in a rocky place, it’s easy to kind of energetically, like, pull back some and do that whole one-foot-in, one-foot-out thing. Like, just put your whole self in. Yeah, right? And like, here’s the thing, like, if it doesn’t work out, you can say, “I actually did the best I could, and I’m gonna be a better person because of it.” Whatever it is in your life, if you’re not fully committed, it’s… yeah, it could work out, and it might be mediocre, and it’s kind of gonna be okay. But whatever you’re fully committed to and put all of your attention and intention into is going to be a hell of a lot more rewarding than you one-foot-in, one-foot-out-ing whatever it is. So 100%, like, be honest with yourself, like, are both feet in? Is your whole self there, or is it just half of yourself? Then just also be really aware of, like Doug said—we’ve hit it on a lot—but, like, your energy that you’re bringing into your home, into your marriage. It really, really, really matters.
Doug Holt 21:47
It’s a good thing I’m always steadfast, never anxious or anything else. I joke about that, obviously. And I want to iterate, like, I know when you and I were going through our tough problems and thinking, you know, I was down in Solana Beach, and I went down there, I remember asking myself the question—I was on the beach, I remember asking myself, “Have I been the best version of myself or the best husband that I could possibly be consistently?” And the answer instantaneously came back, “No.” And I was like, “Shit, all right, I’ll do that for 30 days and see if this works out.” And lo and behold, it did. You know, here we are, many years later, we’re in a great position. We argue, and we fight, but we get over it in minutes, rather than it used to take… man, when we used to argue, I remember we would be disconnected for weeks, you know. Now it’s minutes, you know, we’re able to settle it, get back, and that’s great—all that time we’ve lost, or the time we could lose if we can’t reconnect. And again, I want to make sure all the guys know we’re not trying to paint a picture that we are perfect people by any means. We’re learning; we’re growing together. But that’s the difference. We’re doing it together. And things have changed and evolved so much; we’ve come a long way, which is great to see.
Doug Holt 23:08
I’m going to add something else to this. It’s something that you said I thought was really good, which was, you know, two things. One is she might be scared. She might just be telling you she’s not seeing it because she’s scared, and she’s scared of giving up power in that situation. We didn’t touch on that, but giving up power to you because the relationship isn’t working out. She doesn’t know what to do. And sometimes that could be her power struggle, or the power struggle you guys have in other areas. This could be her one lever. That’s one. But two, she also just might be scared, right? She just might think, “Hey, you’ve been a jerk for 10 years, and all of a sudden, three weeks into this, you want me to drop to my knees and, you know, take care of you, because you’ve been a good boy for three weeks?” No, you’ve got some work to do, boy, to prove yourself.
Doug Holt 24:02
And I’ll leave one more. One more thing you said was great. There are so many things you said were great. Three is, guys don’t get this until they get it, that women can feel your energy before you get into the room. And so she knows if it’s legit or not. So if you’ve legitimately made the decisive change—not like… here’s an analogy I’ll give Erin, because I’ve heard this before. There’s a difference between, if you ask a guy, “Hey, do you want to get a beer?” There’s a difference between a guy who says, “Oh, I’ve stopped drinking. I haven’t drunk for three days.” There’s a difference between that guy and the guy who says, “I don’t drink.” The one guy’s decisive. The other guy’s like, yeah, he’s still got a foot in the door, right? And so your woman needs to feel that decisive version of yourself saying, “Hey, this change is staying. This is me, and I like it for me and for us.”
Doug Holt 24:58
Awesome as always. Thanks for being here. I’m going to try to keep you around for another episode as well. Love having you at the TPM ranch with the rest of the crew. Especially right now, we’ve got a whole team here getting ready for The Alpha Reset too. So exciting stuff happening all around us as we do this.
Erin Holt 25:15
Yep, super exciting. Thank you.
Doug Holt 25:18
You got it. Gentlemen, as I often say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. That’s what I want for you guys. I want you to take massive action. So if you’re taking massive action and your woman isn’t seeing the change that she’s telling you she’s not, or acting like she’s not, there could be a lot of reasons that we mentioned here. One, she could just not feel safe. Maybe you haven’t communicated why you’re making all these changes. Two, she may just not know what’s going on, and this could be the lever that’s happening. She needs to keep some sort of control because you have control over everything else, and she’s just not sure if it’s a stable ground, right? Or three, maybe, energetically, she’s just not feeling you. So you’ve got to go all in, like Erin said. You have to go all in, burn the boats, go all in, and make the changes that you need to. As always, have a great week, and we’ll see you next time on the TPM show.
