Episode #899
Ever feel like you’re walking on eggshells when your wife says she needs space? Should you pull her in closer or let her go? In this episode, Doug and his wife, Erin, dive into what’s really going on when women say they need space and the kind of response that makes a difference. Erin shares her perspective as a coach working with married women and offers insights on what women often actually want in these moments.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why “I need space” can mean different things depending on the situation
- The balance between respecting her boundaries and showing her she’s loved
- How to read your wife’s emotional cues (and when to pull her in close)
- The power of showing up with a calm, grounded presence in difficult moments
Doug and Erin’s conversation is a straightforward guide to navigating those sensitive situations with empathy, humor, and confidence. If you’re ready to better understand your wife and take real action, this episode is for you.
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Transcription
Erin Holt 0:00
Your energy is a lot of the time going towards whatever — work, or coaching the kids’ team, or this other thing over here, or this committee that you’re on, or this — whatever, name the thing, alcohol, blah, blah, blah. Okay, like there are positive places your energy can go. But it’s also like, making sure you reserve some of your best energy for the people you love the most — your partner, your marriage, your kids.
Doug Holt 0:39
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. We are having a great time over here, laughing earlier, and having a lot of fun, and we want you guys to be part of it. So I’ve asked Erin, my wife, to stay. And if you don’t know, Erin is a coach. She coaches women, and the bulk of the women she works with are married. They happen to be married to businessmen like myself and, probably, like you guys. So she has a plethora of knowledge and data points to go through from a woman’s perspective. That’s what we want to bring to you guys today — her perspective on some of the key questions that I hear a lot in our community, and also from you guys. So, babe, thanks for being here; glad to be here, having a lot of fun with you. Colton, off-camera, we’re just laughing and joking, but these are some serious topics, so we’ll try to get into our serious mode here for just a second. Anyway, one thing I hear a lot from guys, and I know you’re gonna be loving this question, is: How does a guy know? So, his wife comes up to him and goes, “Leave me alone,” right? She’s frustrated for some reason with him. She’s had a bad day. Whatever the circumstances may be — we can get into different scenarios — but she says, “Leave me alone.” At what point does the guy say, “Fine,” and just give her complete space? I’ll give you the total extremes, right? We know the guys aren’t going to go into “DEER” mode, and DEER is an acronym we use in TPM for Defend, Excuse, Explain, React. So does he give her complete space? Or — and you’ve often asked me this — does he grab her and pull her in tightly? You’re answering for small women across the world.
Erin Holt 2:11
Many different scenarios, but if she’s not in a rageful state, where she has left the building and is just super rageful and all that — but if it’s just like, “Leave me alone,” if like with you, and just like that masculine energy, that leading energy — I love it when you’re like, “I’m gonna pull you back in here. Get over here. You’re my woman. Get in here,” and, like, pull me in. That is, as long as our relationship is doing fairly well, amazing. I don’t actually want to push you away; I’m just hurting underneath all of these actions that we all do that push our partner away. It’s push-pull, push-pull — it’s hurt, right? We can have it look different. It can be “You said this,” or “You didn’t do this,” blah, blah, blah. Whatever it is, somebody’s hurt.
Doug Holt 3:05
But it can also be, sometimes, that you could be hurting from something else, and I could be the punching bag. Now, you don’t do it to me that often anymore, but that can happen — vice versa, of course. But just so the guys get context, you know, you could set your wife off or trigger her, and it might not even be you that she’s upset at. It’s just that you’re the closest punching bag or the closest thing, and that sets off the reaction. Just so guys listening have more context.
Erin Holt 3:36
Yeah, a lot of women, like, underneath all that acting out or saying, “Get away from me,” we really want you to pull us in close.
Doug Holt 3:47
Yeah, yep. So what that looks like, guys, just so you know, is that Erin might say, “Get away from me.” But if I grab her, pull her, and I go, “Come here, babe,” and a lot of times I’ll say something, what I think is funny anyway, just to let her know the mood’s light. I’ll pull her in and hold her tightly.
Erin Holt 4:06
Just say, like, “Get here.”
Doug Holt 4:09
“Come here.” Yeah, I’ll say that a lot too. And the way the voice — just for the guys to get the tonality — I’ll use, “Come here. Hey, come here.” I’ll do it that way, and you always say women love that, right? That kind of more dominant, leader presence. And there are times when I can tell that is not the time to do that. That’s why it’s a hard question to answer: You need some emotional intelligence. You have to read the room. There have been times when I’ve pulled you in, and you’re like, “No, I really want space,” right? And vice versa. There are times when I’ve thought you really want space, and you’ve come up to me and said, “All I wanted you to do was pull me in. The last thing I wanted was space.” Sometimes it’s hard to read. I think I’ve gotten better at it over the years. I also might joke with you a little bit. You might give me space, and I might say something snarky or funny to change the mood, hopefully, to change yours and mine. Then I might pull you in, or I might say something like, “Hey, look, I get we’re both upset, but let’s not leave the situation this way,” and appeal more to that rational side. And you and I also have agreements in our marriage. We work really hard on not creating walls between us. And we’ve agreed that if I say, “Hey, I need space,” you need to know when I’m coming back, right? So I call it closing the loop. You need to know when we’re going to talk, whether that’s tonight or tomorrow, as long as the conversation happens when said.
Erin Holt 6:13
Yes, and on the other end, I need to make sure that conversation happens when it’s supposed to. So, when a guy’s wife says, “I need space,” he has a couple of options. Read the room. Come over here, pull her in tight, hold her, let her know that she’s loved no matter what. Whatever she’s going through.
Erin Holt 6:18
We’re gonna figure this out together.
Doug Holt 6:18
Yeah, we are going to figure this out together. You know, what have you? And guys have to try different things but read the room. If you’ve never done this before, gentlemen, you may get a different reaction because she might not know why you’re doing it or what’s going on. It may even feel good to her, but it may feel so foreign that she might react. So, just understand that if she reacts differently, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want it or that you shouldn’t do it again. It might just mean she’s startled, like, “What the heck? I’ve been with you for 15 years, and you’ve never shown up this way. What’s going on?” So it might just startle her nervous system, so to speak.
Erin Holt 6:49
Yeah, and it’s like, I actually had this conversation a few days ago with the guys at the retreat. We’re all going to get triggered, right? And when we’re triggered, usually our best self doesn’t come out, and we say things like, “I need space,” or “Leave me alone.” Whichever partner is less triggered or grounded, it’s an act of partnership to be the one that’s calm while the other is not. So, be the grounded, calm, energetic presence, and pull her in. Let her borrow your calm.
Doug Holt 7:27
Let her borrow your calm. Interesting.
Erin Holt 7:28
Yes, like I was saying. The analogy is — I do this with our children, who are four and seven. Obviously, their brains are not fully developed; I have a lot more life skills, emotional intelligence, and all that. And if they’re having a tantrum and I’m at the end of my rope, and I end up having a tantrum with them, it’s a complete mess. Versus when I’m more resourced, in a better place, I can pull the one having a tantrum in and hold them. I let them borrow my calm. It’s honestly the same thing with your partner.
Doug Holt 8:00
100%. I use all the techniques we teach men to use with their wives on our kids, and it works 100% every time. Especially with our daughter. I use The Hidden Motives Technique, validation, and everything we teach in The Activation Method with our daughter, and she responds amazingly to it. She calms down, feels safe, and feels heard. As a father, it’s incredible to be able to provide that for her. It’s an amazing feeling for me and for her, and for our son too, but especially for our daughter.
Erin Holt 8:38
Also, it’s like with Aspen, our daughter, when she feels “gotten” by you or when you provide that for me, it’s a powerful experience. I remember the first time in a relationship where I felt that “gotten” feeling from my partner, and it was like, “Oh my gosh.” It drops my defenses; it softens me. It brings us back to our femininity, brings us back on board. It’s like giving her the feeling that you “got” her, being calm in her storm. You validate her, and let her know that what she’s going through is real. It’s a powerful feeling because that’s how the feminine operates in the world.
Doug Holt 9:43
Tangentially to this conversation, the guys I work with find their businesses skyrocket. With less stress in the marriage and all that, they use the same skills in their business. These are the same skills you use in a negotiation. They’ll use it with their female coworkers or employees. I had one guy who used it with a very important politician, a woman. At an event, he used The Hidden Motives Technique. Do you know what happened? She teared up because she felt seen and heard. Here she was, putting on her armor for battle, and he just related to her on such a human level. He was blown away, and I told him, “Yes, this works. This is what we teach.” It’s not manipulation; it’s making someone feel seen and heard. You’re doing a great thing in the world.
Erin Holt 11:25
Yeah, I’m trying to think about times when I’ve genuinely meant it, like, “I need space.” When a woman says it and actually means it, it sounds different. It’s all contextual, but respecting that boundary is important when it’s that type of space she needs.
Doug Holt 11:39
Hey guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode because it dawned on me that many of you aren’t aware that we actually have a book on how to save your marriage without talking about it. Thousands of men have read it and reviewed it, and I want to give you the opportunity to do the same if you’re interested. It’s a short read, but it has helped a lot of men just like you. Go over to Amazon, where we’ve priced it as low as they’ll allow, and get a resource to help turn things around for you. Now, let’s get back to the episode.
Erin Holt 12:16
I’m thinking of times when I’ve genuinely been at the point where I’m no longer just pushing you away verbally but truly need space. It’s almost a calm feeling, like, “No, I need to be alone.” That’s how you know it’s valid for me and for many women, not all, but many.
Doug Holt 13:02
I totally agree. What I would tell the guys here is, that every relationship is unique, but when she says, “I need space,” be calm and grounded. We use the acronym WOLF: Wise, Open, Loving, and Fierce. Stay grounded, say, “I get that you need space, and I’m going to give that to you, but let’s talk about what that looks like. Do you need space for an hour, a week, or a year? I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page.”
Doug Holt 13:28
Be firm and set a boundary, like you would if you were talking to a child who did something wrong — not in a demeaning way, but in a loving, firm way. For example, “I want to know because I think a lot of times it’s that messy middle.” I was reading a post from one of the guys, and I don’t want to give him away, but his wife wanted space, and he kept texting her to see if she was okay. He was trying to play the “good guy” role, the “nice guy,” trying to win her back by checking in on her constantly. But he wasn’t actually giving her space; he was physically giving her space because she wasn’t there, but he was still trying to communicate. And a lot of guys do this, which comes across as needy. They need validation from her that everything’s okay.
Erin Holt 14:14
Right, and that needy energy is behind everything.
Doug Holt 14:17
Yes, and most guys hate it when they figure out they’re being needy. When I tell the guys they’re being needy, that they’re playing the victim, they hate it. But that’s my job. That’s what they pay me for — to be blunt and honest, not to sugarcoat things. When a guy is being needy, he’s essentially playing the victim, and that’s not attractive to a woman. So, going back to when she asks for space, first, try pulling her in. As you said, Erin, maybe try to lighten the mood by saying, “Come here, I love you. Let’s not be like this. What do you need?” Sometimes I’ll joke with you, maybe give you a little smack on the butt, something playful. If she genuinely needs space, I’ll say, “Alright, you can have the space, but I need to know what that looks like. Is it an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year?” I’ll exaggerate it because it helps put things in perspective.
Erin Holt 15:08
Right, you’ll exaggerate by saying, “Do you need a decade of space?” It’s either funny or makes me realize, “Oh, yeah, I just need a few hours.”
Doug Holt 15:13
Exactly. Then I’ll say, “Cool, then I’m not going to call or text or anything. I just want to make sure we’re clear on this, so you have the space you need.” It gives her the opportunity to clarify, like, “No, I just need a couple of hours.” That way, we both know there’s an endpoint — whether it’s a couple of hours, a day, or a weekend away. Then, there’s a mutual understanding, so it doesn’t feel like this open-ended uncertainty.
Erin Holt 15:42
And when arguments build up, they can spiral. What started as a small disagreement, like over the trash, can escalate into a big issue about other things. It’s so easy to get lost in those emotions when you start stacking upsets on top of each other. Instead, stack up wins, like you do with the kids at the dinner table.
Doug Holt 16:00
Yes, exactly. For those who don’t know, we do “magic moments” at dinner, where we ask the kids about their favorite part of the day. It’s a great way for them to share without the typical “How was school?” response. We’ll say, “What was the best thing that happened today?” It’s a great way to connect and learn about each other’s days.
Erin Holt 16:24
It’s a lovely way to shift focus to the positives in our day. And, like you said, that’s something guys can try with their own families, too.
Doug Holt 16:27
Yes, absolutely. And back to the topic, as Erin said, most women, especially those who are naturally more dominant in their feminine energy, want you in your masculine energy. So, try pulling her in. She may still push away, saying she needs space, and if that happens, respect her boundaries. But also respect yourself by getting clarity around that boundary — like, how much space does she need? If it’s unclear, she might come back for clarification, but if you’re clear, it can really help.
Erin Holt 17:01
Yes, and if you can communicate your needs without blaming or pointing fingers, you’ll have a much cleaner resolution. For example, if something happened that unintentionally hurt her, you can apologize for the impact it had, even if it wasn’t intentional. Sometimes, it’s not about apologizing for the action itself but for the way it affected her. That feels cleaner for both of you.
Doug Holt 17:57
Absolutely. And, guys, sometimes it’s not just your actions; it’s how those actions land with her. Sometimes, I’ll apologize to Erin, not because I did something wrong, but because I didn’t intend to hurt her feelings. I’ll say, “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” because that’s true. I’m not apologizing for what happened, necessarily, but for how it made her feel. And, of course, there are times I do need to apologize for my actions.
Erin Holt 18:23
And it’s about maintaining an energetic balance in your relationship. If you’re constantly saying you didn’t do anything wrong, but all your energy is going toward work, coaching, committees, or other things, make sure you reserve your best energy for the people you love the most. Give them the best of you, not just the scraps.
Doug Holt 18:44
So true. And just as much as women want attention from their men, men often want appreciation from their women. It goes both ways.
Erin Holt 18:53
Absolutely. And sometimes, yes, we might push away to get attention, but it’s coming from a place of hurt or feeling neglected. It’s not the best part of us acting out, but it happens when we feel overlooked.
Doug Holt 19:05
And I see that as a pattern in a lot of relationships, especially with the men I coach. Their wives may take off their wedding ring or leave their phone out in certain ways — little things they know will get a reaction. Any reaction, even a negative one, is still attention, and it’s often what they’re after.
Erin Holt 19:27
Yes, as women, we crave attention from our men, just as much as men want that appreciation. It’s an honest desire.
Doug Holt 19:36
And it’s vulnerable to admit, “I’m feeling lonely; I want more of your time and attention.” That honesty can feel scary, but it’s real.
Erin Holt 19:44
Exactly. It’s a vulnerable thing to say but healthier than acting out to get that attention.
Doug Holt 19:56
Beautifully said, as always. Thank you for being here and sharing this. TPM is on a mission to save children by saving their fathers first, and that has a ripple effect on women, wives, communities, businesses, and beyond. So, thanks for helping out.
Erin Holt 20:11
Yes, that’s why I work with women too — it always trickles down to the children.
Doug Holt 20:16
It always does, yes. Thank you for the work you do as well.
Doug Holt 20:23
Gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. You’ve heard some great points here. Take notes, go back, and listen to what Erin said. She wants you to pull her in; she wants that masculine version of you. But remember, masculinity doesn’t give you a license to be a jerk. You need to be grounded in who you are as a man. If you need help with that, you might want to go through The Alpha Reset. Don’t take my word for it; go back and check the testimonials from men who’ve been through it. It won’t change my life if you do, but it will change yours. So take action no matter what. Whether you join TPM or another program, do something today. That’s what I want for you. Remember, I’m in your corner. I’ll see you next time on the TPM show.
