Episode #862
Have you ever wondered why it seems so hard for women to apologize, even when it’s clear that something went wrong? In this episode, we take a closer look at the reasons behind this common relationship issue. Through a candid conversation, we explore the deep-seated psychological and societal factors that often prevent women from saying those simple yet powerful words, “I’m sorry.”
We’ll discuss how upbringing, cultural norms, and emotional dynamics play a significant role in shaping how women approach conflict resolution. But it doesn’t stop there—we also provide actionable advice for men who find themselves frustrated by the lack of apologies in their relationships. Discover how to create a safe space that encourages open communication and mutual understanding, ultimately leading to a stronger, more connected partnership.
Whether you’re dealing with ongoing tensions in your marriage or you’re just curious about the intricacies of male-female communication, this episode is packed with insights that can help you navigate the complex world of relationships. Don’t miss out on this deep dive into one of the most puzzling aspects of male-female dynamics. Listen now and start transforming the way you interact with your partner.
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Transcription
Tim Matthews 0:00
When I’ve clearly done something that’s right, unjust, or unfair, no way will she say to me, are you going to apologize first? Because she’s so mad that she has zero interest in even trying to engage with him, with me that way.
Mo Parks 0:14
So like, I apologize for something that I didn’t realize how big of a deal it was. And then when I apologized, my husband was like, Oh, thank god. This is what I’ve just been waiting for this forever. And so it made me realize, like, oh, this has actually been really hurting him.
Tim Matthews 0:39
Have you ever found yourself getting frustrated when a woman in your life doesn’t apologize? In this episode, we’re going to dive into the dynamics and get a female perspective on why it seems to men that women struggle to apologize. Now we did an episode on this about six or seven episodes ago, Doug and I dived into this. We dived into the dynamics of apologies in relationships. The key takeaways from the episode were essentially looking for the ways in which non-verbal apologies take place. For me, Amelia gives me a lot of nonverbal apologies, sometimes some verbal ones, but I would say the ratio is 95% nonverbal and 5% verbal. So we spoke about that. It was a great episode. You go back and listen, either before or after, this won’t make a difference. The other practical step was around encouraging open communication so the guy being able to actually explain to the woman what the apology does for him, like why it’s important. What came up in that episode was how resentment can build within men when they feel as though they’re expected to earn their own part in something and do something, and do so quickly, clearly, and honestly, so that the woman can then take solace in knowing, or at least feel as though that behavior won’t repeat yet at the same time, the flip of that doesn’t often necessarily ring true. I know you’ve got some very different opinions on this, which is great, and then also modeling apologetic behavior, which kind of goes to the previous point as well. I want to dive into this with you. I will give you a little bit of a backstory as well on some of the insights because I think this is relevant and going to inform you thinking a little bit here.
Mo, so one of the things we spoke about, and this came up with the conversations with that I was having with the particular women I spoke with, and when I was asking them about this, one of the things that they said was that as women, we prefer to prioritize the harmony within the relationship, and therefore to acknowledge to say sorry, is to acknowledge that I have done something to create the disharmony, and that can be quite a tough thing To accept, especially when societal and cultural influences often mean and discourage women from admitting full, admitting fault openly, because oftentimes, in the past, they can then often be judged more harshly, or have been judged more harshly than men. So therefore there’s more of a reluctance to want to open up and say I’m sorry. The other thing that we’re talking about as well was women often carry a significant emotional burden, and sometimes apologizing can feel like an added emotional labor, especially if their efforts are not equally reciprocated. So if they feel like they’re going to say sorry, but then the guy isn’t going to be willing or able to be forthcoming as well, they don’t want to put themselves out there. Yeah, so what was your take on this? Because when I shared with you the topic, you were confused. You were surprised by this idea that women don’t apologize because that hasn’t been your experience. Is that, right?
Mo Parks 4:24
I mean, I feel like a lot of those reasons that you said I could get on board with them, but I don’t think that ultimately keeps women from apologizing. I don’t know. I don’t spend a lot of time with women who I don’t feel like apologizing, but I do spend a lot of time with women who definitely don’t apologize first. And that’s a big one.
Tim Matthews 4:41
Yeah, that’s a big one with Amelia and me, I’m just thinking about something a couple of weeks ago, right before I came here, she was very clearly in the wrong, according to you, and according to her, based on her nonverbal apology, i. Um, but the way that she tried to bid for connection, re to repair and reconnect, yeah, was by her making a joke and saying, Oh, so you’re gonna apologize. Like, are you for real? And she wasn’t. She was saying it in jest, and I said, Well, I will never apologize for this. And I also said that there was no way I was going to apologize for it because it was something I literally did not do anything wrong. I didn’t, I’m fine for the truth, and I did. Yeah, anyway, long story short, the reason why I’m saying that is because she knew that something had to do with a friend, she already reacted about something. But to your point, women don’t apologize. First, she was testing. Women don’t know bell-shaped curves. You know his patterns. I think she was testing the water to see if I was gonna if I would do it first. Obviously, I didn’t twitch. Then she had to go out, something came back. She phoned me while she was out. I really don’t want to argue with you about this. I don’t want to fall out with you. I’m like me. Neither like, No, we’re not. When she came back, she came up, struggled up to me, and, you know, blah, blah, blah. And then did she say? No, she never said, I’m sorry, but that’s, that’s her way of reconnecting. But the point is, to your point, that can often be the case when she has done when I’ve done something when I’ve clearly done something that’s right, unjust, or unfair. No way will she say to me, are you going to apologize first? Because she’s so mad that she has zero interest in even trying to engage with him, with me that way, and her expectation, and mine too, is that I very quickly take responsibility for my side of the street, yeah, and do so clearly and confidently. So when I when I have done something wrong, there’s no need for it to even go there with it right? It doesn’t even enter the realm. But when I haven’t, and it’s her. She will say that, and I think it’s her way of beginning to ease into this dynamic or the apology. But she’ll, she’ll never just go there first.
Mo Parks 7:34
I mean, in our relationship, the way we’ve also perceived leadership, I think we kind of have an agreement that if there’s something where both of us have usually done something wrong, he will apologize first. If I’ve done something wrong, he’s getting better at letting me lead to apologize first. If he’s done something wrong, of course, he’s he’s gonna apologize. But I would say, yeah, a lot of women that I spend time around, and for me, I feel like sometimes guys can just take it and take it and take it, and they never express that something’s actually hurting them, or the depth in which it’s hurting them, and then they may explode, and I’m like, Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know any of that was actually going on. That’s a big thing and the hurt. And so a lot of times, I feel like women don’t really know what to apologize for, not that they should have to be told, but it is really helpful when you get the perspective of the guy who you’ve hurt and have them actually voice, hey, this is what I feel heard about, maybe especially if it’s in a calm way, I find you’re gonna get apology really quickly from the other side, or they might give you a buck at first. Watch you not be reactive, and then apologize.
Tim Matthews 8:40
And that’s a big thing. But I also think that a lot of guys, often don’t know why they hurt, and they also struggle to put words to it.
Mo Parks 8:50
Which then puts the I feel, puts the way back on the woman to say, like, Well, why aren’t you apologizing? Well, I don’t I. I can’t vote. If you can’t voice it, certainly I can’t, like, if you can’t put words to it, certainly I can’t apologize for it sincerely, because I might have a guess, but if I’m wrong, and then I apologize for something that I’m wrong for, you could jump down my throat because you’re like, that’s not what I’m sorry for, but you don’t actually know what you’re sorry for or sorry. You don’t actually know why you want an apology.
Tim Matthews 9:18
So what you’re saying then? So previously, on the other episode, we were taking the angle of societal norms and things that have been expected of women in the past and such. But you’re saying that you don’t think it’s that as much.
Mo Parks 9:37
You said there’s a societal norm for women to have harmony. I don’t know those women. I know a lot of women who want a lot of maybe they long for harmony, but they are really bad at creating it. So maybe they create the chaos. Ideally, sure, maybe I want harmony, maybe I want peace. But if you looked at my life or asked my husband, you would not say that I want harmony or peace.
Tim Matthews 10:12
Okay, so in your opinion, then this idea, well, let’s just zoom right out. Go to the top. In your opinion, the idea that women don’t apologize, broad stroke, bell-shaped curve, blah, blah, blah, for sure. No. Okay, perfect. So you’re in complete disagreement with that, yeah.
Mo Parks 10:30
And if I think, if you have a view that women don’t apologize, you need to get around a different set of women. Probably aren’t hanging around with the great, high quality, healthy women, okay, yeah, I would say, if you’re around women who don’t believe that they should apologize when they’re wrong, they’re wrong. I don’t believe in any world that men should be apologizing more than women because we’re all broken and stupid and make mistakes, so we should all be apologizing for something.
Tim Matthews 10:58
Yeah, we should, I agree, that’s a nice idea. So in your life, then are you saying the ideal is a reality? Yeah. I mean, I’d say just for you personally, but in your world.
Mo Parks 11:10
Okay, so if I’m gonna put numbers on it, I’d say, in my world, all the women apologize, but probably only 30% of them might do it first.
Tim Matthews 11:20
Okay.
Mo Parks 11:23
But I’m also around, I think, a lot of healthy women, okay? And I don’t, yeah, I mean, I want to be around healthy women, so I might have a subset of women that know and are aware. I would say a lot of the women I know never had parents who apologized to each other in front of them.
Tim Matthews 11:38
Yeah. Important point of differentiation here, as well, is those people who apologize, but often don’t apologize first. Are you talking about an apology being the words, I’m sorry? Yeah, okay,
Mo Parks 11:53
I’d say that wouldn’t just be it like I would say I’m sorry for a specific action. I can see how that caused this to happen, and I’m sorry for how that came off. Like that’s what I would say. A legitimate apology is not just sorry.
Doug Holt 12:10
Hey guys, sorry to interrupt this episode, but the reality is, if you are watching or listening to this right now, then you are looking to better yourself, and I applaud you. You’re one of my people, and I want to give you the opportunity to take massive action. So if you haven’t joined The Activation Method yet, it’s our flagship program, do what 1000s of other businessmen, just like you have done, and take action. Be one of the one percenters that actually does the work and takes action. There’ll be a link in the description that’ll take you right to a page that’ll just give you more information. There is no obligation just go check it out and see if it’s a good fit for you. All right, let’s get back to this episode.
Mo Parks 12:53
And yeah, I would say that most women I know would apologize generally in that format. I know that because I spend time with them and their kids. So I guess some of this might be the assumption that if they can teach their kids to apologize like that, then they can apologize like that.
Tim Matthews 13:07
Oh, that’s a big assumption. Maybe that’s a big assumption.
Mo Parks 13:11
Okay, that’s fair. But how often are you around couples where you’re in person with them while they’re arguing, and watch them apologize because outside, I mean, you’re essentially right, so you’re making the same assumption by asking women, yep, true that I’m making by watching women be with their children and teach them.
Tim Matthews 13:28
My huge market research study, my meta-analysis study of the women I spoke with,
Unknown Speaker 13:36
how many was that? What’s your sample size?
Tim Matthews 13:38
A number of weeks? Look wasn’t a huge sample size, you know, but that was definitely a curious investigation.
Mo Parks 13:47
If you told anyone there was a podcast on our channel saying women don’t apologize.
Tim Matthews 13:53
Look, I think it’s a great conversation.
Unknown Speaker 13:55
I’m glad.
Tim Matthews 13:55
We’re having the conversation that a lot of people won’t have, yeah, because they don’t want to say it because they don’t want to come across has been offensive. Yeah? And everyone thinks it, yes. Well, we’re talking to the guys in The Ranch. Yeah, look, it’s, this is a real thing for guys, yeah. And I don’t think people, I don’t think women, understand that this is going on for guys, that guys get frustrated when they don’t get an apology. I agree, and I would say that. And also, guys don’t want to talk about it because they don’t want to look weak. Yeah, guys don’t want to say that. They feel like it’s unjust, they feel like it’s unfair, they feel hurt, they feel all these things. They don’t want to admit that. Yeah, right. As a result, resentment builds, and also, women don’t ever then really know how important is for a guy to hear those words, just like it’s important for a woman to for a guy, rather as it as it is important for. A woman that their man takes ownership and responsibility. It’s important for a guy that his woman also does something similar, yeah? Now that’s not to make their woman masculine. We don’t. We’re not wanting that. I don’t think that we just want nothing to do. We’re just wanting a bit of fairness, yeah, like, Hey, you’re expecting this. Well, cool, this thing hurt me too, so I just want some reciprocation. Yeah, and just like for a woman, it’s worrying when her guy doesn’t apologize and doesn’t take ownership. Yes, it’s also frustrating for a guy when his woman doesn’t do that as well. Okay? And just like a woman wonders, oh, well, will this happen again? Guys will think about a lot less, but that will still cross their mind, yeah? And then when it happens again, the thing with a guy, when it happens again is the guy probably is not going to say anything. Let’s go. What’s the point? Yeah, I’ll throw his hands up. Well, literally, throw his hands up, yeah, but internally, he will throw his hands up, and he won’t make a fuss about it. Yep, he’ll just give up, what’s the point, and move on. But that he’s moved on, yet, all that moving on does is create distance, yeah, in the relationship, resentment in the relationship. And again, I don’t think it’s spoken about enough. Yeah, I don’t think either gender really understands it enough.
Mo Parks 16:31
I don’t think that men speak about how important it is. When you said that, it kind of rang bells. My head is like, Oh, this is starting to make sense, because I watched a couple fight. It’s very close to living with another couple. And basically he was told by the woman multiple times that he wasn’t leading well, which I know, like, I I knew, is a big shot, really. What she was saying is, you’re not planning well, but she was saying you’re not leading well. And I watched him walk away from that, and I watched him be sad and resentful, and then just like, like, be like, we’re going here, we’re doing this, and just lead out of pissed off. Now he just, like, swum the pendulum. So I could tell he was hurt and that he was insecure about it, and then he did that to the point where it pissed her off even more, and then she just went off. And what I realized is, like, she’s, why would you not apologize? Like I was with her, and I was like, seeing her get more and more fed up with it, and she wasn’t apologizing, but I was watching how much it was hurting and deteriorating him. And it was the first time I realized, oh, man, like apologies matter, and the guy voicing, like, where he’s at and how he’s feeling matters. And obviously, if you can’t do that, then it’s good perception as a woman to attune into that and to realize, like, how much it really hurts. I think that it’s surprising me more and more how hurt a guy gets when it when a woman doesn’t apologize, when he’s just hurt by a woman, whether name calling or criticism or something else, and then it’s also appearing to me like, oh, how much they do appreciate apologies, ownership, like stuff like that.
Tim Matthews 17:59
As we’re talking I can appreciate that more and more is needed by a guy, but he’ll never say it’s needed. I know that’s he doesn’t want to admit that he needs it, yeah, because he wants to be strong enough to not need it and to not care and to let it roll off him.
Mo Parks 18:12
I’m okay. They can’t admit that. I’m cool with that, but when they get the apology, then at least be super like, thank you. I’ve been waiting for this. I’m so thankful so that it’s repeatable behavior. If you can, in the moment, ask for an apology, I’m okay with that. I can understand that. But at least when you get the apology that you’re wanting, if you get it, be so overly excited about it, so that we know it’s a reinforceable behavior.
Tim Matthews 18:36
Sounds a bit weird, though a bit overly excited about I mean, be really grateful.
Mo Parks 18:40
So, like, I apologized for something that I didn’t realize how big of a deal it was. And then when I apologized, my husband was like, Oh, thank god. This is I’ve just been waiting for this forever. And so it made me realize, like, oh, this has actually been really hurting him. And so it makes me think, Okay, the next time, which I’m not going to try to do that again, but the next time this may happen, I’m going to be really quick to apologize, because he reinforced that that was really important to him.
Tim Matthews 19:07
There’s a conversation going on inside every guy’s head, which is, am I a good enough provider and protector? Yeah, it’s a primal conversation subconsciously that goes on in every guy’s head. So therefore, when the woman in his life criticizes or says something, I’ll get shit tests and blah, blah, blah. At the same time, when the woman in his life criticizes especially his character or his efforts are either directly or indirectly any efforts?
Tim Matthews 19:49
I can’t say any effort, because, right? I think it is a lot within that, right? But if, if she criticizes directly or indirect. Exactly by criticizing the actual effort or the action and or doesn’t acknowledge the effort or the action, because that’s another big thing, right? The guys want that they want say they just want to be acknowledged, yeah, for the effort that they are putting in, that they don’t need to be part like a little pat on the head, like a little kid or a dog. They don’t need that just hey, I see how hard you’re working, or I see how hard this or see how it’s a primal desire for a guy to provide and protect. So therefore, just like emotional safety is a primal thing for a woman, yeah, right. This is a need for a guy. This is so helpful, and therefore when he gets criticized or his actions or his motive or whatever, yeah, and there isn’t an apology that eats away at how he sees himself as a provider and a protector, yeah, and what he hears in that moment is, I am not doing a good enough job at providing and protecting, and that feels shitty.
Mo Parks 21:15
I guess we kind of discovered why. Probably most women don’t apologize. I don’t think most women know that. Okay, oh, sorry. Why most women don’t apologize at least first, or maybe as prominently, I would probably agree, since I do have a big subcategory of men that would probably say she never apologized, or she at least doesn’t apologize first, that a lot of the reason is probably because they don’t realize one how damaging criticism is. They know how damaging criticism is, but they don’t know how damaging criticism is, because it’s hard if a guy’s not voicing that. But I think that’s a lesson for a lot of women to understand that you said efforts and his efforts and his something else.
Tim Matthews 22:00
Efforts and character
Mo Parks 22:02
So there’s something that he does around his effort, because I can think of two things today that I already haven’t acknowledged. I haven’t acknowledged, and then one thing where he makes an effort that I looked like I overstepped, and we’re not even in the same in living the same space right now. And it’s not huge things, but it’s just like he’s with the kids all right now, because I’m doing this, and I haven’t acknowledged that. And I sent him something that, you know, our tenant sent, or our tenant sent us. And I was like, Hey, do you see this when he’s like, Babe, I’m always doing this. I’m always responding to but you don’t have to. It was very nice. But I was like, Oh, I didn’t acknowledge the efforts that he already goes to with the people. And so me doing this makes it look like I didn’t see your efforts, therefore make sure you’re doing it and and so hit and it says something definitely about his character. If I’m reminding him, it says, I think you’re forgetful. I think you would not respond to this. I think you would leave this or something like that. I’m just kind of playing around and guessing with that here, but yeah, it makes a there’s this idea that
Tim Matthews 23:05
Women grow through prayers. I wonder. I know men, another masculine grows through challenge. I get that women grow through praise.
Tim Matthews 23:16
Yeah, oh, the feminine grows through prayers, okay, right? And the masculine grows through challenge. I also wonder, as men, how much more we might grow if we received more prayers. I don’t think it’s ever happened, so we don’t know, but it makes me wonder, yeah, because there’s a whole carrot and the stick. There’s a lot of stick that’s used with men, yeah, because broad shoulders, they can take it. They’re never gonna, they’re never gonna say anything, you know, where the fathers have spoken to so, you know, there’s, there’s lots of historical and societal and gender things that weave into it, right? But men have also never bold statement. So in my experience, men have very rarely ever been exposed to a consistent level of appreciation and acknowledgement, especially from the woman they love. So therefore, we don’t actually know the potential impact that could have.
Mo Parks 24:29
I don’t get the beginning of relationships. You could see that there’s, I think
Tim Matthews 24:32
there’s a lot of unsaid things in the beginning of a relationship, right? But maybe, you know, I can also see that it could be things that are verbally and clearly stated as well, but it could be a cool experiment. You know what? If you give yourself a 21 day challenge to find a way to praise and acknowledge. Drew for something he has done every day for the next 21 days in a way that was genuine and authentic to you.
Mo Parks 25:11
How would we measure how would we measure that being successful? What would we just see?
Tim Matthews 25:15
What happens? I don’t know. I’m just throwing out there. I’m just let’s have another podcast in 21 days and figure it out. I’m just thrown out there. I know when I’ve done certain challenges for myself with Amelia, there’s not been anything tangible that’s measurable, but the connection is just significantly improved. Yeah, massively improved, yeah. But I know we went a bit off topics. I know we wanted to talk about apology piece, but it kind of went no other ways, but I think it’s linked. Yeah. So, yeah. Anyway, so guys, always good to hear the other side of the story. I know the other episode, we spoke a lot about, and quite confidently about the role of the apology and why it may or may or not come from the woman in your life. You’ve heard some a great counter argument here, and I think for me, at least, the key takeaway here is women might struggle to apologize, because as men, we are not clearly articulating what it is as upset as and and what impact that’s had. And what if we were able to do that more often. How might that change things and set your partner up for success so that she’s then actually able to apologize? Should she want to? So see you next time on the TPM.
