Episode #605
Do you remember your last holiday?
What are the three things that your wife wants from you during the holidays?
If you want to enjoy your holidays with people you love, then focus on leading the family as a Chief Fun Officer because you deserve a great marriage.
In this episode, we’re talking about why holidays are so stressful and what you can do to make the holidays more meaningful with your family.
Hungry for more?
Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
Also listen on:
TRANSCRIPTIONS
Doug Holt: Hey guys, welcome back to another episode here. Tim, so great to have you back, man.
Tim Matthews: Likewise, this is my favorite time of the week.
Doug Holt: Mine as well. When this comes out, it will be Christmas Eve. So, for those who are listening on Christmas Eve, Merry Christmas to you. For those that don’t celebrate Christmas, maybe you’re on the tail end of Hanukkah, or perhaps you don’t celebrate at all. Just a happy holiday season. And maybe you’re just looking forward to 2022 being done, and 2023 getting started. So. either way, wherever you’re at guys, we’re here for you, and we’re glad to have you with us. Tim, one of the things I did want to talk about is, I happen to be in a chat with a group of the guys that have previously graduated the AM. Now, if you don’t know, the AM is our flagship program, which men come in., and they learn how to save their marriage without even having to talk about it, and without their wife’s involvement at all. And these men had tremendous results.
And one of the guys made a comment, and it was kind of laughing. He said, ‘man, the holidays used to suck so badly.’ And he started recalling his last Christmas that he had. And he said, ‘look, guys, I remember it really, really clearly. We come up to Christmas Eve, and my wife would be so stressed. We had extended family coming over. So, the house had to be cleaned. It had to look spotless.’ And he called it Martha Stewart good. They had to cook and bake and get everything ready. They still hadn’t finished their Christmas shopping, let alone wrapping the presents. So, his wife was constantly barking out orders for him and bickering. And they were just fighting. And he was doing everything he could to avoid her, and she was doing the same, to be fair, you know. And he was like, ‘Doug, at that time, I don’t even think we liked each other, let alone loved each other.’ And divorce was on the table for them. And they just had an absolutely horrible time.
So he said, ‘I just did what a lot of guys do, I started drinking early. And one drink became two, became three, football was on in the background, and I tried to be the nice guy and get all our honey dues done, but every time she asked me it had kind of a venom attached to the request that she was asking me, and my response was always very, very similar, trying to be a good guy.’ He said, ‘We’d go to bed that night, and you could just feel contempt in the air, like neither of us wanted to have sex with the other person.’ And here it is Christmas Eve, right? Don’t even want to touch each other. And they wake up the next day for Christmas Day, and the kids would be ready, and cookies would be flowing, and they would be avoiding each other, trying to put on the mask of being happy as family came in. And he said that was absolutely miserable, absolutely miserable.
And so, right after Christmas, as you and I know, Tim, January’s divorce day. And that’s what his wife approached him and she said, ‘hey, look, I’m not going to do this anymore. I’m not gonna do this to myself, I’m not gonna do this to the kids. I just can’t take it.’ And that’s when he found us. The Powerful Man. He went through the AM and turned his marriage around. They’re absolutely amazing. And so, what he told me was happening was different from this year. He said, ‘this year, Doug, what we did is, I sat my wife down and said, you know, look, we’ve come a long way since the last holiday season. And what I want to make sure we do is, we’re gonna get all the Christmas presents done a week ahead, wrapping, bought, whatever doesn’t happen, doesn’t happen.’ And then he sat her down and took her through an exercise and said, what are the three things that you truly want for this holiday season? What are the three top most important things? And guess what? To nobody’s surprise, it wasn’t the Martha Stewart house, it wasn’t a spotless place. It wasn’t about the food. In fact, it wasn’t even really about the extended family.
What she said was, first and foremost, what I want is for you and I to be connected. And she’s told him how proud she was of him for all the work that he did. In fact, how much work he did that allowed her the space to do the work on herself. And then the second thing she wanted was for their immediate family – she used to be all about the extended family mainly because she was avoiding him, but their immediate family to come together and create some holiday traditions. And the third thing was, the extended family, and just having fun and making Christmas light. So what he’s doing this Christmas Eve, Tim, is, everybody’s coming over to his house, as they typically do, and he normally dreads this, but he said, ‘what I’m going to do is, I’m going to introduce something that we teach The Powerful Man about introducing your family values. And I’m going to get the whole table’ – so he’s got cousins, uncles, in-laws, everybody – ‘and we’re going to create our extended family family values. I’m going to introduce them to my family values, and then we’re going to create our extended family values.’ And to make it a step further, what he’s going to do, Tim, is, he is going to set the tone and the comments of, how are we going to live from this Christmas till next?
How are we going to behave as a family? What are we going to tolerate? What are we not? What are our bumpers, as we talked about in TPM. And he’s actually going to be using an exercise that you and I are familiar with, and Coach Mark Smith brought to the table, of the tree. He’s gonna use the tree as a diagram, where you’re putting the roots and the limbs on the tree. And this is something we teach the men and the Brotherhood on how to do with their families. So, night and day shift. And a lot of other guys continued on what they had planned, as well, as far as being the CFO, the Chief Fun Officer of their family. So, I don’t know if you heard from these guys, Tim, but it was an amazing conversation to have, and to see the juxtaposition of where a guy was going, literally, like a plane going straight down to crash in his marriage, to completely turning it around and leading it, and having an effect on his extended family now.
Tim Matthews: That’s incredible. I do know that the guy he’s talking about is an amazing man, and he deserves every bit of adoration that his wife has given him. He really does. He’s done the work. As you know, we like to keep in touch with all the guys that go through the program, whether they continue on into the Brotherhood, the IC, or not, right? Yeah. And so, Sofia, one of the advisors, she was speaking with one of the men that graduated. He joined the program 10 months ago. So, maybe he graduated about seven or eight months ago. Now, he posted something in workplace in the private community this week, where his wife said, ‘are you ready for your Christmas present?’ So he said, ‘Yeah, what is it? What is it?’ And she basically gave him a piece of paper that showed that she had rescinded the divorce. She had called her solicitor and got it stopped.
Doug Holt: Wow, that’s amazing.
Tim Matthews: It gives me goosebumps. Yeah. And she spoke to another guy who was in his same group, who said, oh, well, I wasn’t getting the reaction that I wanted from my wife within the eight weeks, so I stopped doing my routines, stopped working on myself. So she said – Why have you done that? I mean, you get to make this change for you. You get to be the leader for you, you get to be the leader for your family, not to get a reaction out of your wife. She dropped some amazing wisdom. And it’s amazing that, you know, we have women on the team that can give a woman’s perspective as well, right?
So she’s going to connect these two guys anyway, so that they can inspire one another and maybe get some support. But the point I’m making with this is, this guy deserves the adoration. It’s a year on from Christmas Eve last year, to Christmas Eve this year. And he has continued to do the work, hitting singles every day. And as a result, over the course of that timeframe, we’re now 12 months on, and he’s able to enjoy Christmas with his family in a way that honestly kind of sounds like a movie scene. It almost sounds a little bit unbelievable, right? This idea of family values, this idea of setting the vision for the next 12 months, the idea of setting his wife down and saying, hey, what do you want out of the Christmas holiday? But the thing is, because he’s been so consistent – not perfect by any means – but he’s been consistent over the past 12 months, his family are open to these kinds of conversations with him. They’ve come to expect them from him. They’ve come to expect that he models the way. He shows them what he expects of them by living into that himself. And his wife is therefore very receptive to him as well. And again, my hat goes off to this guy, because it’s so easy to stop doing the work. I had this on the time office hours yesterday.
One of the guys was saying, why do I have to be the WOLF? You know, when is she going to validate my feelings? What is she going to initiate with me? And he was in week two of the AM. I said, look, I get it. Your frustrations are valid, and right now, you’re not being the wolf for her. Right now you created a covert contract with her because you’re doing something expecting something in return without even saying anything. So, be the wolf because you want to be it, make the change because you want to make the change for you. As a result, you can wind up on Christmas Eve, being the CFO instead of being the chief frantic officer, running around creating chaos, checking out with drink. Because the men that are in the movement, they are checking out. But they checkout a different way. They check out from work for 10 days. They will be off their phone; they will be unavailable because they’re going to be available to their wife, to the kids, even to each other.
Some of them will meet with one another. And the holidays they’re going to get to enjoy is very different from most of what the world will be experiencing. Whether it’s arguments, whether it’s just numbness, silence, watching TV – there’s a reason why divorce there happens the first week of January, right? There’s a reason why this exist. It wasn’t manufactured, it’s not Valentine’s Day. This is something that’s come about from the stats that divorce lawyers and solicitors and attorneys have reported to actually be an actual thing that happens. It’s the day of the year when we’re getting the most requests for divorces.
Most of them are from women, about 80% are from women. And that’s because they’ve just seen their husbands behave over a time of year when surely it’s the one time a year we can come together, it’s the one time you can not work. It’s one time of year we can have fun, we can be present. Maybe this last gasp part of the year is going to be different, he’s going to be different. When they see that it’s not that way they have a year to get settled in their own home and their own lives, so that next year, Christmas will be different. But it’ll be different because those women are gonna be getting their way, without the stress, without the chaos, without the frantic nature, because they don’t have to put up with that from the husband because he’s no longer there.
Doug Holt: Yeah, so true. I haven’t seen that story. It’si an amazing one, that you mentioned about workplace. And I’m gonna continue and share a couple of the things that the men that talk to me said that they were going to be doing over this holiday season, really Christmas Eve. Several of the guys said what they’re going to do is sit family members down and have a heart to heart about their marriages. Right? Because us men, for some reason, we just don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about our marriage being wrong. Everybody fakes it.
My most common joke is when people go, hey, well, so what do you do? You know, I talk about, our core offer is how to save your marriage without talking about it. I know you’re married, you probably never have had problems or arguments. And every time, the men and the women just laugh. Usually the women spit out their drink or something because they’re like, geez. And every time, the women approach me privately and ask me to talk to their husband. Every time. To be clear, I want to be transparent. Not every woman does that. But in every event, a woman or more will come up and talk to me about talking to their husband. And that’s because we don’t talk about it, and we just hope it’s gonna go away. Meanwhile, we’re miserable, and our wife’s miserable.
The difference is, women talk about it. Women are talking about it, and they’re telling the other women about it and how unhappy they are and etc. Maybe not your family they’re telling, but they’re telling their family, their girlfriends how unhappy they are. And they’re commiserating. And their girlfriends are like, get out of there. You don’t need this. And things of that nature. So several of these guys are going to create an environment that’s very safe. They’re going to tell their story and their journey through The Powerful Man and the AM. And they’re gonna ask very open questions. How is your marriage really going? Because one of the things I always talk about is, some guys go, ‘yeah, it’s going okay.’ Since when is okay friggin good enough? Since when is good good enough, right?
We want great, guys. I want great sex. I want great conversations. I want a great connection. I want all of those things to be great. I don’t want good. Now, is it gonna be great every time? No. My wife and I argue from time to time as well. But the majority of the time it should be. The majority of the time, it gets to be great. Not even good. And most guys, it’s not even okay. It’s shitty. And they’re saying okay because they don’t want to talk about it. Just pass me a beer and let’s watch the game. But that’s not really what they want. So, these guys are gonna sit them down, share their story. When I share my story, it allows the space for other people to talk about theirs.
So these men, the graduates of the AM, about four or five guys on this call, they all said the same thing, they were going to share this with their family, and sit men down and have a conversation, a conversation that matters. Because each time you have this conversation, it brings you closer to the other people around you. Now, not everybody may agree, not everybody may open up. And they’re not being evangelists, so to speak, nobody likes it when someone shoves something down your face. But they’re simply sharing it because they have already become the leaders of their own families, their wives, their kids, and now they’re becoming and being seen as leaders of their extended families. And so, they’re being the lighthouse, shining the light brightly.
And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, guys, about the lighthouse, we’ve done a couple podcasts about it, go back and listen to it. It’s an analogy we use The Powerful Man. But they’re being a lighthouse shining brightly, so everybody can come to safe Harbor. And that, to me, is all about what the holidays are about, and the Christmas spirit. It’s not just eating cookies that my brother sent to me -which are great, by the way – but it’s about really connecting with the people you care about, it’s about taking time to reflect and celebrate the people you’re with. And you want to celebrate with the people you’re with by being authentic. Right?
That was one thing I’ve always said to people is, I don’t want to be friends with your representative. I want to get to know you. I want to be friends with the guy you’re faking to be, I want to know you. And if there’s some bad shit that’s happened, guess what? It has to me too. And I’m happy to talk about it. I’m not excited to talk about it, because bad stuff. But I’m happy to talk about it, willing to talk about it. And so, that’s what these guys are doing. They’re setting the bar. It’s a surprising thing, you don’t expect this on Christmas Eve coming around.
They’ve taken care of the things that need to be taken care of. These are business leaders. So, they’re smart guys. They know how to get shit done. They’re taking care of what needs to be taken care of ahead of time, so they can create the space. They’ve also set the tone for their wives and for them to be very connected. And I can bet you, when there’s connection for the woman, and she’s having a light, fun time, nine times out of 10, that turns into intimacy. And a lot of us guys, we get connection through intimacy, where women need connection to have intimacy. So by providing the connection as a man, I then get a conduit for my wife to want to be intimate with me, which then gives me the connection to my wife. And now, I’m in a really good flow here. And that’s a great Christmas present too.
Tim Matthews: Yeah, it really is. One of the things that some of the guys have planned, I’ll just give a peek behind the curtain here. So, they’ve set up a date with the wife. And what they’re going to do is, they’re going to sit them down, and they’re going to cast some of their top memories from the year, images on the phone, right, as they’ve taken them throughout the year, as a year has gone by. And kind of like Facebook brings up that memory, that highlight reel, it’s always nice to receive that little highlight reel, isn’t it?
The music’s a bit cheesy, but the memories are great. And so, what they’re gonna do is, they’re gonna take literally a couple of hours, and just sit and go through the year, and flick through the memories, and just reminisce about the great times. And when the guys were sharing this with me, naturally, I just went like, right, I’m stealing that. I’m doing it. But just imagine that moment between Christmas and New Year, you start to think about the year ahead, you reflect about the year gone by. Imagine being able to just pull up your phone and cast it to the TV, and just pick out memory after memory of just smiling or laughing. because, you know, look, you never take a photo of a sad moment really. it’s always capturing the great moments, for the most part.
So, it can just reinforce that connection, like you were saying, open up some great conversations. It can be a great space to start asking questions about possibilities for the next year. But for some people listening, it may be hard. there may not be many memories. there may not be many positives, you know. And if that’s the case for you, and you couldn’t really pull off this date, then I think that’s a great piece of feedback, something you get to take on board. Because like you said, Doug, women need to be connected in order to want to have intimacy.
And that light playfulness is a gateway for that. And if you’ve not created those moments throughout the year, yet you’re sat here complaining about a lack of sex, too many arguments, too much disconnect, yet you can’t pull up any of these moments, then you need to do something about it, quite frankly. Whether that’s coming to the AM, I’m not really that bothered. I mean, I’d love to work with you. But at the same time, you know, you just do something.
I’m also concerned – are you gonna let another year go by, and just hope that things will change? We’ve heard so many horror stories of guys that have waited and waited, telling themselves that she won’t leave me, she won’t go, only to come home and find divorce papers on the table. And they always say, I never thought it would happen to me. They always say that. Just don’t be that guy. Please do not be that guy. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids. Find some reason to make a change. Don’t just sit on the fence.
Doug Holt: Yeah, I mean, guys, there’s two sides of this coin. I mean, when Santa comes down that chimney, you know, whether you’re Christian or not, you know, you want him to open that bag and give you a marriage that’s filled with passion, right? That’s what you really want. Most of us do. We don’t want the toys, the friggin socks or the sweater. You know, what most people don’t realize is, the AM, the program that we run, we cap it at about nine guys. Right? So it’s a very small, semi-private group. So, you can’t be number 12 in that group.
And this time of year is really interesting, because for this time of year, for some reason, guys don’t reach out as much. And they wait till January when the divorce papers are filed, and then they reach out. And it’s so hard to see, guys. Because for some men, they leave it till it’s too late. Right? They’ve taken too long to wait. Their wife has already made the decision. And a lot of times what men don’t realize is, when a woman makes the decision for divorce, when she makes that decision, she’s already planned potentially the next guy, she’s planned how she’s going to have her money, she’s planned where she’s going to live, she’s got it all mapped out. She wants to land on a safe landing. And it’s harder for you guys to pull back on the rip cord, so to speak.
I mean, men do, but it makes it much harder. Men make it harder themselves. So don’t be like the guys we’re talking about. This Christmas Eve, guys, I want you to be the lighthouse, you be the CFO, the chief fun officer, right? If you’re not in the AM and you’re interested, go to thepowerfulman.com. There’s a button that says get started or something to that effect, I don’t really know. Click it. It’ll give you an opportunity to apply to get on a call with one of our advisors, just to see if your situation is the right fit. It’s not the right fit for everybody. Right? We just don’t take everybody. We have very certain requirements that we have for men to win the program. One of the benefits of being in the program is you’re around like-minded men. Iron sharpens iron. Right.
But this holiday season, this Christmas Eve in particular, I want you guys to be the CFOs. I want you guys to be the lighthouse, the shining example of what it means to be a modern day man. Right? It doesn’t mean beating your chest and being a jerk. That means being a man who’s strong enough inside of himself and outside of himself, to be vulnerable. To have somebody say something, your Aunt Sue or whoever else it is, who’s had a little too much eggnog, and they say something rude or crude just to laugh it off. Because you’re strong enough.
Look, I have a two year old daughter. When she hits me it doesn’t hurt, because I’m bigger and stronger. When she says something mean or spiteful, because she’s friggin two and I didn’t give her a cookie, it doesn’t hurt. Likewise, when my in-laws or anybody else – and they’re in my house now – when they do the same thing, or say something spiteful or what have you, it doesn’t hurt me either because I’m secure with who I am, and I know I’m the lighthouse for my family. And it’s just like waves crashing on a lighthouse. It just bounces right off.
And that’s what I want for you guys. Focus on the fun. Focus on taking leadership. Whether you’ve been through the AM or not. If you haven’t been, I’m definitely biased that it’s the best thing out there. Get in, get in now. Don’t wait till the New Year. Just get on a call, see if it’s the right fit for you. For you guys that have been through the program, this is your shot. What are you going to do this Christmas Eve, or the day of Christmas, or the day after Christmas? If you’re catching this on the 27th, hey, you can make the night of the 27th like Christmas Eve. You can do the same thing. It’s just a different day. If you’re not a Christian, you can do the same thing on the 24th. The 27th, as we’re talking about here, right?
The key here is taking action. That’s where it’s about. Taking action, building yourself as a man. If you can do those two things, the sky’s the limit for you. Not only in your relationship, but also in your business. Also in yourself. Also in your personal well being. Doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. You don’t have to be an airbrushed model in a Men’s Fitness magazine, but take care of yourself. Do one thing every day that’s gonna get you closer to the hole. That’s the key. And that’s what we’re asking you guys to do. Gentlemen, as we always say in the moment of insight, take massive action, and take massive action as we close out 2022. I’d love to see more of you guys in the free Facebook group, commenting and being in there. For those guys that are in the program and alumni, I’d love to see you in the private community more, and I always love seeing what’s going on, guys. Take care, happy holidays. And I’ll see you next time on the TPM show.
