Your Wife Is Unfulfilled

Episode #331

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Episode Transcript

 Doug Holt  0:00  

Any woman who’s at home that long, no kids, they’re just taking care of the house. Because she has no sense of purpose. She’s bored out of her mind and completely unfulfilled. She’s not fulfilling her potential. My wife goes, what would you be like if you stopped working? I made money. You just stayed home, and you were responsible for keeping the house clean and doing some cooking. How would you feel like frickin ‘kill me? That’d be horrible. She was not able to go after my dreams. Fill my potential. My wife said. 

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews. Tim, what’s going on?

Tim Matthews  0:11  

Wow, I got the Olympic rings out this morning. You know what, obviously you know, I used to be a trainer you did too. And I’m sure you’ll resonate with this. I used to go through a phase when I was a trainer of using the Olympic rings and kettlebells quite a lot. I was learning to like the crucifix, and some other things never quite got fully there. But I was very consistent with it for quite a long time. I enjoyed it. So obviously, I’ve kicked out a home gym, as you’re aware, and out of the Olympic rings as well. And on them this morning for the first time. And it’s so easy to think that you can pick up where you left off. And it’s now I could try to go into a crucifix. But I just started slowly, even still starting slow with them. Oh my, oh my god, this is going to be a bit of a road back to just where I was. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. And I just get to remind myself, go slow, go slow. You’re not where you were. Just because you got to train that type of way, well, you just got to train that way. So a very specific type of strength and fitness. Right. So yeah, it was really to find me just kind of like Tim a horse. In some respects. We jump on to do everything you used to do. And I realize the body will probably break if I just try and do that.

Doug Holt  1:39  

That’s awesome. You know what’s funny is I told Bowdy this morning, my son, who’s turning four in a month. I told him that today. So my wife’s going to work out tonight. I don’t know when she goes to work out. I’m going to take him to the backyard because we’re going to hang up my Olympic rings. He’s excited about what it means, and he doesn’t know what it means. But it sounds like a cool thing that he gets to do with his dad. So that Oh, wow. So I’ll be hanging mine up there, no crucifix for me. No interest. I just want to be able to do pull-ups on the rings outside. Yeah. And have some fun out there. Another thing that sparked me is, you know, we were talking in the previous episodes about triggers, totems, artifacts, wherever you want to call it that allow you to transition to different roles in your life. Right and what common thing we hear from the guys, and we talked about this is the idea that you know how you turn off right. We have the alpha decompression, right work cheat sheet. So guys, if you’re interested, go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/decompress, and you can pick that up. That’s ThePowerfulMan.com/decompress. And that helps, right, and we have a longer routine we teach the guys in The Brotherhood and inner circle our high-end mastermind groups. 

Still, Tim, I got something because here I am in this I got this gigantic man cave which is essentially a basement above ground which is weird, but I got nice windows. But when I go up to my door, I have a pattern right. I want to change what I’m going to do because that young kid is my wife, so we’re down here having coaching clients and consulting businesses. We’re doing great, and then I want to have something that transitioned properly, so I had this, which is an old sign I don’t know if you can see that guys are listening to this on a podcast; I had one of those at sign made in the vintage style you’ll oil can signs that says change priorities ahead. And so what I’m going to be doing is mounting this right by the door next to it. So before I open the handle, the ritual will be to hit the sign. Yes, and walk-in and go straight into super dad mode right surprise and vice versa coming down. I could do the same thing and then go into knowing what we do right helping man, right yeah. So super excited about this. This goes up today for the transition here and making that a ritual. I kind of like it’s hot. You know you guys come on.

Tim Matthews  4:07  

Yeah, 

Doug Holt  4:08 

there’s a sign, right? Exactly what this is going to be for me.

Tim Matthews  4:12  

I’m going to get one; I think I told you this. I never actually reminded myself. I forgot about what I was going to get two for the daughters of coming here, one on the coming in that says it’s game time and one going outside and it’s playtime. I have not already. Yeah, I’ll do that. I love it.

Doug Holt  4:30  

I have one coming out that says conquer. Anyway, I just thought I’d share. But Tim, that’s not what we’re here to talk about today. Going through it, I just want to give the guys some reference there. Guys, if you haven’t heard that, you can go back. And Tim can probably tell you the episode, where we were a couple of them where we talked about making that ritual in your home, going through. But today’s title is your wife is unfulfilled. Right. And I want to talk to you about that I have a unique position, gentlemen. Whereas Tim, myself, Arthur, Mark, the other coaches, talk to hundreds of business leaders weekly, right? talking to them about what’s going on in their world. And we’ve been doing it for a very, very long time. Well, I’m unique in the sense that my wife talks to their wives, right? My wife is a coach, and she takes some time off to have her kids. But she coaches married women. And so I get to hear her side of the story, right? We always hear the guy’s side of the story, but I also, from her, get the other perspective, right? So I might pitch something to her like this is happening to one of the guys. No names, my wife and I don’t exchange names. But what you know, she goes, Well, this is probably what’s occurring for her. It’s a really interesting dynamic. So your wife is unfulfilled. And I was talking, and this comes off the back of talking to one of the guys in The Brotherhood about something was going on in his relationship. And he was very adamant. Right? He is a very successful businessman. And he goes out and hunts, right. 

And he brings home the bacon, so to speak, right? They don’t have any kids, right? They’re chosen not to have kids. And the wife stays at home, right? The wife takes care of the house and does things like that. And she does social functions, and what have you now COVID has closed down. But you know, they’ve been having a lot of fights lately, Might have a lot of arguments, and he’s tired of it. He’s like, Doug, I’m working over 40 hours a week, I’ve done that a long time. I’m bringing home the money, and we have the extra house, we have nice cars, there’s no kids to be taken care of, you know, etc. And I’m not getting laid. Right? we’re arguing about dumb stuff. I don’t get it. He’s like, I’m going to see a divorce lawyer and just see what my options are. I’m just tired of this. I’m tired of what’s going on here. She was just ungrateful. So I can see this, right? As a guy, I’m looking at this going, dude, you’re going to work, you’re getting up early. He’s doing his Alpha Rise & Shine, he’s crushing it in all areas. And here is this ungrateful woman who doesn’t have to work, you know, da da da, you know, the story at home. And she doesn’t have to do any of this. So I tell my wife this, you know, Tim, my wife doesn’t work. We have kids, but she’s not. She’s working a little bit now coaching and doing those things. My wife immediately goes, she’s unfulfilled. She’s miserable. What are you talking about? She said Any woman who’s at home not long, but she said anyone but most women are at home that long. No kids, things like that. They’re just taking care of the house. 

Because she has no sense of purpose. And she’s bored out of her mind and completely unfulfilled. She’s not fulfilling her potential. Now, I started to say to my wife, what would you be like if you stopped working? I made money. You just stayed home. And you were responsible for keeping the house clean and doing some cooking? How would you feel so I’ll freakin kill myself? That’d be horrible. Right? Not being able to go after my dreams fulfill my potential goes after it in a working environment. And my wife said exactly that. This guy’s wife is no different. She may have been selling a bill of goods, and it sounded good that I was good to stay home, not have to work or do anything. My wife said she might not even realize it, but she’s dying inside. And that dying inside is being acted out in other ways. She probably doesn’t want to have sex with him because she feels unfulfilled inside. She doesn’t feel good about herself. She doesn’t realize it, which is common for women, right? In this case, according to my wife, common, but she doesn’t feel like she’s progressing. Right? And you and I even know Tim, if you’re not growing, You’re what? dying like any plant, any animal going through there. So I thought this was a unique perspective. Coming into this, I haven’t shared this with the guy. No, he listens to this podcast. I haven’t shared it with him yet. And we’ll have a call, you know, probably I have a call scheduled for them tomorrow to share this and just see if it resonates with him. But I found it very interesting. And I find it interesting as my wife is trying to go back to work now. We financially she doesn’t need to like us to do well. financially. She doesn’t need to form any other perspective other than her desire to be fulfilled, have a purpose, and grow. And, having kids, we have a purpose. So I could imagine I’d love to hear what you think about this.

Tim Matthews  09:31

Hmm, it’s interesting on Sunday. Amelia randomly sent me a logo for a. She’s wanting to start a nutrition business for dogs to occupy for a couple of years. And she randomly just sent me his logo she designed. What do you think of this? Wow. Short for Freaking good. Wow, awesome. And then I went online. So let’s see if the demand was available. And it was taken. And, but there was all the like.org.net dot blah, blah, blah, and was on the go daddy put them in the basket was about to buy like the bidding service right where they go and get the domain from. I mean, I’ll just check and see whether, you know, whether she is looking at the demand, I asked her, so I was mindful as well. Just not to bulldoze it right. This is her thing in our booth. You know, I want to create the environment for her to move around pace with this and not start just do this, do that do the other side of said, Hey, I kind of curious I love that. Have you? Have you looked to see if the domains are free? And she said I have already bought it. And I was like, whoo, I almost just went and bulldozed something that would have ended up, like, cool. Well, I look on GoDaddy, and now I then said, or did you buy all the other domains as well? I know what domains that you have are what I said. So our common code in the UK, I said are right, a mistake that I made with The Powerful Man is I didn’t get.org, and I wish I would look him back because I just made something up, essentially. And she’s Oh, right. Okay. And I’d already been on GoDaddy, right? So I knew how bad it was bad enough. Five hundred pounds or something, no money, but her for just going and spending some for the business. Like it was, which is fine. And a logo was like 50 pounds or something. So at which point when I had a look, and came back to me and said, Oh, yeah, there’s all these little ones. But wow, it’s like 480 pounds on a plate? Look, if you can, if you want to do this business, go for it, get them? Because if you don’t, how would you feel if someone then launches something with the dot star via an app and starts selling something that you know you can’t sell? 

For what it’s worth a few 100 pounds? Just get it? Just do it? Alright, then yeah. Something else as well. So anyway, the point I’m making is, back to your point, where do I think of it? I think it’s a fine line. Right. I agree. I think it’s important, growing or dying. Agree. And with Amelia, I get to as she goes through this growth, I’m going to call it growth, she’s tending it, she’s in a course this weekend, Saturday and Sunday for it. I’m just going to encourage her, and just, I’m not going to force it, I’m not going to push it, I’m going to, I will, I will at times a little bit when I feel like she could do a little bit of a nudge, like with the domains. But I’m going to be very mindful not to try and turn it into our look at it through the lens that I would go into the business. Because I think for her, I don’t, she has no interest in turning this into a big business we spoke about in the past. Also, she says, hang for her going back to purpose paying for her, which you’ll enjoy again, or spoke about in the past. It just took like two or three clients. Just two or three people for whom she helps the dogs formulate some nutrition. And she can see that it helps the dogs and just learned and can then do it for our dogs. And in terms of the purpose for her, that would be enough. I could be wrong. So she said in the past, that would be enough of a purpose. So I think it’s important and it is very different from a purpose for a man, right? Like men, the purpose for men tends to be more grandiose, I could be wrong, but it’s just from what I see.

Doug Holt  13:56  

Yeah, there’s a lot more there’s a lot here to go through. I can certainly share as somebody who’s bought, sold, or still owns over 12 companies. I’m a serial entrepreneur. Do not get involved in your partner’s business. That’s what I’ll tell you. Right here, right now. Do not buy those domains. First of all, don’t buy them from that place you’re going to buy them from. I can hook you up with something you can save a lot of money. But also you know my advice in that situation is just listen. You know, way, most of you guys are listening. If you’re in a similar situation as the guy that I’m mentioning, or Tim, the odds are that you’ve been in the business world a lot longer. You just know a lot more. Right? If your wife had been in business longer than you, she would know more. But she probably hasn’t. Resist the temptation to help her unless she asks you first. It’s hard as hell, guys, I’ve done this so many times. It is so difficult. Right? You know, it drives you nuts. Right? My wife has sought out coaches who are so far inferior. And I’m not saying that from an ego standpoint, in business and marketing and things that I know that it just.

Tim Matthews  14:32

And you’ve paid for it.

Doug Holt  14:33  

And I paid for it, driving me nuts, right, and the information, sometimes it’s great, sometimes it’s not good. But I got to sit there and let her learn her way. Nothing that’s interesting is my wife, like Amelia, Aren she doesn’t tell me things. Usually, until she’s done tons of research, she’s already started the process, she would surprise me with the logo, she would surprise me talking to Darcy, who has worked with me for ten years, already, you know, have the website design or whatever going because Darcy can do it, all these things would have happened in the background. The point is I just stay out of it. Ask questions. How are things going? Oh, that’s awesome. You know, in the meanwhile, in my head, I’m going, oh my God, we could blow this up. Or we could do this, I got this contact, and just one phone call, you know, would open up your whole customer base, you know, just let me open my network to you. I did all that. I bought the domains in the past, right? I did all the research in the past, I created pot, whatever it is, just stay away from that. But the point is, coming back to the original subject of the wife is unfulfilled. What I understand it to be and again, I’m using this a lot of women that I know but also my wife, who coaches a lot of women and in his in that world is a lot of women don’t know they’re unfulfilled, or you have a dream, kind of like, ah, when I get the car, I’ll be happy. Right? And I’m not saying this is Amelia, by the way. But you know, maybe you mentioned that God should be happy and fulfilled if she just has the dogs and what have you. A lot of people say that, oh, I have kids, then I’ll be fulfilled. That’s displacement and love, you know. And that can be a major issue, especially when children come involved. Now, the dogs could be like the children, of course. But people put all of their love into something external of themselves, or the fulfillment. That’s where issues happen. That’s why so many divorces happen. When as soon as the kids leave the house, right? The parents are getting their love from the kids. They’re getting their acknowledgement from the kids, especially the woman. 

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Tim Matthews  17:14  

And I think I wonder whether women who don’t realize are unfulfilled because, you know, kids, for example, whether they feel guilty, x, being honest about whether they are unfulfilled because it’s almost like a slur on the kids. Right? There’s nothing to do with the kids. And it’s interesting because I watched a TED talk a while ago, and the TED talk was all about happiness, right? This guy was exploring the idea of happiness, and he tells his story, How’s his child?” His mom said to me, You need like three things that might have been far I’ll go through and we’ll seem to be happy. The first was to earn a certain amount of money. He dives into the whole study about how you require this thing when you earn over a certain amount, and happiness is increasing instead of tons of money. And she said a safe and stable job dives into all of that. Then he said a marriage dives into all that about comparing divorced people versus married people versus single people conclusive that marriage is happier than the two because of companionship, and that’s kind of stuff they need to add into kids. Right? And what we found in this way references in this study were that kids made women more unhappy. And the reason why they made the women unhappy is that the women felt like they had to give up who they wanted to be, and they never were able to regain In it, where is the man he was able to continue to strive and do his thing. Whereas a woman there was a very steep, not no steep route, it was a gradual decline. But overall, kids made women more unhappy. And it’s Amelia’s biggest fear. She’s like, Hey, I’m not going to have kids. And so I know Bum Bum, bum bum bum, I am not going to be in a position where we’ve got kids, and I’ve lost myself. And so the biggest fear as well.

Doug Holt  19:20  

Yeah. And that’s interesting. And I agree with that. 100%. Right. And speaking about this guy who’s upset and his wife, and you know, they don’t have kids, as I mentioned. Still, the issue is like, I think what I’m getting out of this coming from an empathetic standpoint, is she feels guilty, probably, because you’ve sold this dream that you have at all, ah, you don’t have to work. You don’t have to do this. You get to go shopping, and you get money. And those are empty. There’s no real passion or purpose there. Right? And I’m sure, she’ll say, Oh, well, I’ve got tons of purpose, because she does philanthropy, and she’s going to events and things like that. But my experience, you know, you’ve mentioned I was a trainer, as a trainer in Santa Barbara, California, and a lot, I was able to train many women who are married, who are very wealthy. And I remember one woman turned to me and said, Doug, I refuse to be a country club wife. When she was, and she told me as soon as my kids, my last kid leaves, I’m out. And she moved to another country. Her husband, I knew her husband well too, it floured him, he did not see it coming at all. Did not. Before, when her son was about a year before their son, she started telling me about this stuff. So she had started planning, she knew this. Right? She started going out more, and she started traveling to Spain. And she’s in the States, obviously, etc. Don’t want to give away who she is. But, you know, she also started meeting people, other men online or at events at socials, and things like that. Now, to her credit, she did not have an affair or anything, but she was looking, she was looking at options going through, and this happened early. She was unfulfilled, realized how unfulfilled she was until she looked in the mirror and realized crap with my last kids gone. Who am I? I will not be a country club wife, Doug. It was just her fear. And they had tons of money, tons of money. She could do anything she wants to wherever she wants to. However, she wants to, etc. But my point being Guys, if your wife, if you’re if you’re in this experience wrong, throws a possibility, you’re not getting the sex you want. Maybe things aren’t as good at home. But your wife has it so well, right? She doesn’t have to work. She’s got all these things. She can come and go as she pleases. She can do what she wants. But yet, maybe she isn’t doing what she wants. Maybe she doesn’t know what she wants. Maybe there’s things going on in the relationship, and she thinks she’s fulfilled but maybe not. This might be something you want to look into. This could be the cost of, you know, getting laid. It could be a cause of some of your arguments because she’s not on purpose and that she’s not fulfilled.

Tim Matthews  22:12  

And take me back to that woman who left. Do you think that she or you know whether she fired any warning shots before she left? Did she try and mention it? Did she bring it up? Did she, you know, or did she just realize slowly on the road and think, right, I’m out.

Doug Holt  22:32  

So I’m thinking back on the conversations that I was having with her. You know, as you do in my business that I was running, you get very close to people right, and you get to become family with them. I think the warning shot she’s they eventually sat down and talked about this, right? She’s planning on leaving, but she didn’t fire any warning signs. It came as an almost sudden realization to her.

Tim Matthews  23:01  

So sounds like the female version of a men’s males, a man’s midlife crisis?

Doug Holt  23:06  

Yeah, it is super common for women when the kids, you know, call it empty nest syndrome. Right? When the kids are getting ready to leave, or the kids do leave, and the two key people look at each other, the father in the walk, you know, mother, the husband, and wife. And they’re like, Who are you? Because they wrapped up their kids’ lives. And this is a totally different subject. And we started on, but they’re so wrapped up in their kids’ lives that they’ve lost their identity as a couple, maybe not their identities, but their identity as a couple. So yeah, it took this guy my complete surprise. By being, she had a backup plan. She had a backup guy that I knew about. She had a backup. She bought a villa in Spain. Mm-hmm. Right now, under the guise, This was going to be the family Villa, the family vacation spot for them, etc. You know, she even started or had the plans of starting a bar, you know. So it was a Gen bar, all of these things, and I would talk to her about them. And then, but that was out of the realization for her that she was completely unfulfilled outside of the kids. I’m the guy from The Brotherhood I’m talking about. They just chose not to have kids. But his wife, I think, is going through something very similar. And she’s unfulfilled. So she’s not feeling sexy about herself. She’s not feeling feminine. And so why would you want to have sex? It’s like, kind of like, you know, if you feel super frumpy and fat as a guy, or you just feel like crap, you don’t feel sexy, right? It’s just less likely that you’re going to desire sex, and you still might want it. But it’s really when you feel on top of your game that you like, Fuck, let’s go. And that’s we had the best passion, so passion for sex the best that you can. And it’s the same thing as a possibility for women. So if your wife is, you know, you’re looking at this as a possibility, guys, you’re not getting laid as much as you want to. The arguments are happening at home, and your wife starts to turn into more of a roommate with a ring we as we’ve said before. This is one area you want to look at is, Is she fulfilled? Is she passionate, and if you love her, which I’m assuming most guys do, but if you truly love her, this is worth having a conversation about, and you got to make sure your approaches well. If you’ve been in the Deactivated state, you must be gentle on this one. Because you probably haven’t, you know, you’re not in the right role. But if you are there and you have a good relationship with your wife, good enough that you can sit down and have that conversation and try to walk in her shoes for a second. How would you feel if roles were reversed? If she was out conquering the world? And doing whatever it is you do? But you know, we’re at home, doing your thing? Yeah, maybe that’s cool for a day, a week, a month, maybe even a year. But how about two years out? Three years out? And that might give you some perspective. And that’s all that I’m bringing to the table here. Tim?

Tim Matthews  25:59  

I think it’s a great topic. It makes me reflect on Amelia inevitably, and now she’s not worked for me. She’s 31, and I don’t think she’s worked for like six years. So you know, it’s pretty early to retire, quote-unquote. So, but yeah, interesting, because when we lived in Leeds, and when COVID wasn’t around, she had a personal trainer three times a week. So I gave her accountability for working out and moved her restrictions. She’s not working out but to be fair to her, she’s going on walks like every day because she loves walking around here on the coastal path, the oceans there, the beaches there, the forest. She loves it. Right. And I’m curious to know you like to work out with me and how you give it a trial? I don’t know. I’ll approach it. Yeah, I’ll give it some thought. But it’s just interesting to have the conversation. If I were to ask a question outright, which will probably be one again, I’m going to think about how I want to approach this. I think a knee-jerk reaction is no, of course, no, obviously, because a lot of women don’t know. So yeah, maybe you and I. Oh, I’ll run some things by when we jump-off, and yeah, I’m interested in speaking with Amelia which says

Doug Holt  27:25  

awesome pure coincidence this subject came up so as we look at and by the way, this woman I was talking about went to Spain she used to work at a dog shelter she volunteered at but and had a house on the beach so they walked on all jesting aside, but guys what I want you guys to do listeners know if you’re watching this on YouTube or wherever you find us here is to get you to put yourself in her shoes just for a little bit and ask yourself the real questions right? I want to do it, so I’ve had to talk with my wife about what I want to be a stay-at-home dad sounds cool. Hell no. Right? Give up what I’m doing now. To be honest, no, it just wouldn’t work for me and wouldn’t fulfil me. So I’ve sat down and talked to my wife about is this really what you want to do and continue to do? And I have this conversation with her no less than every six months. Just checking in. Alright, what do you want to do? We can get somebody I can, you know, have the ability luckily with coaching, and we can take time off. We have flexibility. What is it you want to do, guys? And I encourage you to do the same thing. If anything, it opens up a conversation and gets there don’t come from a place of being needy. Please come from a place of power. Come from a place of activation, come from a place of leadership and guidance, and don’t try to fix her problems. Right as I said, I’ve tried this guy way too many times. Slow learner, perhaps, but I’ve tried this, and it just doesn’t work. So don’t buy, don’t buy the URLs. Don’t get the logo. Don’t put her in contact with your friend who you know is the CEO of a company that could grow her business, you know, 10 acts in a week. Just don’t do it. Offer to help if there’s any help she needs and then walk away. All right, guys, that’s a wrap for us here on The Powerful Man show. As always, go to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus  where you get free training that’s ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus. And we’ll see you next time with The Powerful Man.