Become Dominant with the Dopamine Surprise

Episode #312

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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt  0:00  

When a woman is surprised by a man, especially when that surprise puts her in a situation where she doesn’t know the outcome, she has two options she can either fight right away and risk this man overtaking her, raping or what have you taken her in one way or the other. Or two she could submit to him, and most women are going to submit. It’s more of a natural reaction for most women, and they’re going to submit and allow what happens to happen. 

Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host Doug Holt with my co-host Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews. What’s going on, brother?

Tim Matthews  0:44

Yeah, for what seems happening and the ocean there, it is nice. It has been an outbreak, actually, virtually. I think I’ve told you this. When was it? I think it was on Friday. Amelia was walking back from the lake, and she saw like these people in hazmat, and she’s like, oh is the biggest state just there. The other thing I’ve not told you, which is crazy a bit of a tangent, but the list is like this, I think, so this is a state, this stately home, huge. They own all the properties around here, and the property is big. How these families made their money, you start looking at things right. Because you’re interested, it isn’t easy to pinpoint. But a couple of 150 years ago, a book was sailing from Australia to the UK to England, and it had a haul of gold that in today’s money was worth $150 million. The book and its captain was one of the latest for back in the day. It was known for its speed. The top of the island just around here is a place called Hollywood. When you get around, Holyhead, this stretch here out the window there’s this huge wind. The Coast Guard told the captain to dock at Holly’s head because hurricane-force winds will not make it to Liverpool. Ego came in. He said none, and I’m going to push on to Liverpool pushed on got taken down by the storm the gold got washed up on the shore here and all along with loads of gold. Loads of gold haven’t been found in that state. They’ve got a Rolls Royce like an oxygen tank. They’ve got suitcases from the ship not been out to how they’re, they’ve not been declared, and as in recent as 2015 I think, somebody found the largest nugget of gold to be found either in Europe or the UK on that beach right there. That had been washed up. the crazy story when Amelia told me this, I am like, “What?!” I will go down with a metal detector, but obviously, everyone goes treasure hunting there. It is quite an unbelievable story when Amelia was telling me but amazing. Anyway, you think, well, this “How did they make money?” kind of difficult to track that, huh? I wonder if it was the gold?

Doug Holt 3:30

You never know. Right? You never know. Yeah. Awesome was it’s always fun to think about these things and what you do. And when today’s topic is about surprise as well, right? Surprising finding the gold. But today, I want to talk about how you can become dominant with the dopamine surprise. So what I mean by that is dopamine is a chemical released by the body, right? It is a hormone that controls a lot of what we do without our ability to manipulate it at all. Dopamine is released by women when things happen. I’ll talk about that a little bit. But as a man, you want that dopamine hit to happen to your wife, to your partner, because it gets her excited. Right? When she’s excited. She can get a little animated right, or she can submit to you. So I want to talk about that because, especially during COVID times, this has fallen by the wayside right we’re here. COVID is locked down for a lot of people. It’s been over a year now, which is crazy to think about it. And depending on the side of the fence you’re on, it’s gonna be over tomorrow, or it’s gonna be another two years. Who knows is the general thing doesn’t seem like anybody knows for sure. So how do you release dopamine? How do you become an alpha again? As we’ve discussed in previous podcasts and previous shows, many men have fallen into the beta trap. To become a beta to their wife’s alpha. She’s the show, really, and when she’s running the show, sex doesn’t happen. Or it’s not as good as it could be good it used to be. So how do you flip the script on that? Right? How do you flip the script on that quickly? Will you get yourself back in the alpha seat? Let’s talk about that for a little bit, Tim, on how you can do that. So one way you can do it, because a lot of guys, they’ve been deactivated for so long. They’ve been into the beta trap that they need to figure out how to switch it up. And we get asked this a lot of how do I do it, right. And guys come into The Activation Method. We’ve given them a list of ways they can do it. But here’s one way that you can use the dopamine surprise, honor. So I’ll use an example; actually, you know what, let’s go a little bit into physiology and history here. 

So when a woman is surprised by a man, especially when that surprise puts her in a situation where she doesn’t know the outcome, she has one or two options naturally, right? One is to fight. And one is to submit two things she’s either going to fight or submit. Because for a woman, the reality is the man will be physically stronger and will be able to submit her one way or the other. If they fight, he’s going to take her and abundantly clear. I don’t condone that, and I don’t condone rape or anything forcing anybody. It sucks that I have to say that, to be honest, but I want to make that abundantly clear. But this is historically right. This is the way to go back to caveman times or medieval times when things happened. If a woman finds herself surprised to be in a situation with a man alone, she has two options. You can either fight right away and risk this man overtaking her, raping her, or what have you taken her in one way or the other? Or two, she could submit to him. Now, most women will submit more of a natural reaction for most women. They’re going to submit and allow what happens to happen. And so, for a lot of women, this is also exciting. You’ll read a lot about this in the trash novels that women read, in fact, 50 Shades of Grey. There’s a reason this book was so popular, right? The man, the lead character in that book, took the woman. And so anyway, let’s go back to the guys listening to this in their relationship. They’re in a marriage, and they’ve realized that they’ve been deactivated, they realize they’ve been deactivated from themselves, and they’ve taken a backseat to the marriage. The marriage is what the symptoms, what it looks like, become a sexless marriage, not a dispassionate marriage, there’s no passion in there anymore and become more like roommates. And typically, in this case, the man takes the beta role, and the woman is taking the alpha role. So one thing you can do, guys, is spring the surprise. I’m going to give you a couple of examples here of what you can do. And then Tim, jump in anytime we could. Let’s say you’re driving somewhere you’re with your wife, and you guys will go to the store to get supplies for the house. 

I don’t know something that’s completely lame, and it’s neutral—no thoughts about it. So you go to the store, and you’re getting supplies. On the way back, suddenly, you take an immediate right turn down a street that leads to the woods or something. I’m using this as a made-up analogy on the fly, and you lead a lead up to the woods. She is gonna freak out even if it’s just for a second,  maybe longer in that time. She has a choice, subconsciously, she’s either gonna fight with you, or she’s going to submit to you. If she submits,  dopamine is released, there’s an excitatory response. Either way, there’s the excitatory response. But that excitatory response allows her to fall into her feminine and puts you naturally in the alpha role. You’ve surprised her. Right? You surprise her with what to do. She doesn’t know what’s going to happen next. Why the hell did you turn down this random street and maybe go in a different way home,  but you’re doing something to surprise her to snap her out of the routine. And for her to, even at a subconscious level, realize that you are the true alpha and that she has to make a decision. Now she’s going to make this decision. Like I said subconsciously, usually probably in a situation like that for most guys only gonna last a few seconds for her. She’s going to ask where we’re going, etc. So another way that you guys could do it. And like I say, it’s a more advanced way, but it’s where a lot of guys in The Brotherhood might do it. You walk into your wife, and you say, meet me in the car in 10 minutes, I’ll get the car started, and you walk away. She has no friggin clue what’s going on, where you’re going, what’s happening, right? This is going to cause her to do one of two things. One, she’s probably going to ask where you’re going, don’t answer, right? Meet me in the car in 10 minutes, and walk away.  She may not get in the car. But most likely, she will. And if she’s getting in the car, she’s submitting to your frame, your reference, your power, that you’re in control of this situation. She cannot maintain the alpha frame if she makes this submission, right. And it’s a small, subtle thing that you can do, releasing the excitatory hormones. So dopamine is an example. And because she doesn’t know what’s going to happen next. And this is also a great way to spice things up. Especially like I said, we’re in COVID locked down. A lot of us are just done with this. We want to get out of the routine, want to get the house, etc., etc. So your wife’s probably in the same way. How are you spicing it up for her? 

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Tim, do you guys do any of this stuff? Or have you done any of this with Amelia?

Tim Matthews  11:55

The other night when we’re driving back from? Well, we’d gone to pick up some food. The signer told me to go one way, but I could see there was the same ETA another way and not been done that way before. I carry on driving, and she’s like, “Where are you going?” and I’m like, “I just want to go this way,” she is like, “Where does this lead?” I’m like, “Lead back to that road? It doesn’t matter”—a little bit on that level. I’ve tried. I tried with a great deal of commitment, to be honest. And let’s provide said drivers are committed in the past to arranging debts and where I’ve taken this friend, and yeah, I didn’t follow through with it back then, to be honest, kind of thing why? All I can think of was it just wasn’t a real priority for me, and maybe, I don’t know. But I took this approach and faced quite a bit of resistance. And Amelia’s story there is. I don’t like what the story was. I don’t like to be surprised like this, and I’ve never had, you know, whatever. Which is interesting because, one that’s leadership and trusting, does she trust my leadership? If that’s the case, and I then follow through. She can learn to trust in that instance, although it’s fair to speak this out loud and kind of process it for her birthday for her 30th birthday. I took her to Santorini, which is a Greek island, an amazing place. And I plan the entire ten days, and I plan the entire trip and what we’re gonna do on what day, and I’ve been in books and our stuff. It was great. And I loved it. And we had a great time. And yeah, she surrendered to that. So I don’t know whether it was a little bit situational because it’s like, hey, it’s a birthday. So it’s a little bit more, I wouldn’t say expected. Whereas if it’s just off the cuff, and I’ve said to Hey, you know, we’re gonna be going here in an hour, be ready. She’s like, I like to turn any two days now, as we’ll show where we’ll put this on. She has all these questions, so I’m going to throw in a surprise like that about going somewhere. It has to be five days out. And even when I do it five days out, God does. Five days, I have so many questions from her: “What should I wear?”, “Where are we going?”, “Can you just tell me where we are going?”. It kind of kills the enjoyment that I get from a surprise. I enjoyed doing that.

Doug Holt 14:45

You did a great job on that one as well. And when you think about this, a lot of this comes down to spice things up in your relationship. Adding the surprise element. Probably when you’re dating, she didn’t know who you are on the first day. If you take her somewhere, it’s a little risk there for her, even subconsciously. You know, every time a woman’s alone with a man, right there is a little risk. Sometimes a woman gets that creepy feeling; they’ll describe it as creepy. And that’s just innately they don’t trust the guy. They don’t trust his sexual attention. Now for many men, if they are married to their wife, they become neutered, right? Deactivated, neutered, and what I mean by that is they become friends, right? The friend who gets no sex, right? That friend, you hear about it back in college or high school, the nice guy who’s friends with a pretty girl but never gets laid because he’s in the friendzone? Well, a lot of men have been putting in the friend zone. Unfortunately, it’s not friendly for many guys in their marriage; it just isn’t. So that’s unfortunate, too. So how do you do it? Do you flip that script? And one of the ways you do it is by adding this element of surprise, the element of danger, right? It’s not like you have to go skydiving or do things like that. But how do you add a little element of risk or question in her mind but also puts you in the alpha driving seat? Right, figuratively and literally in these examples? But where does that happen? Right? Is it just throwing your coat, we’re going for a walk, you know, I live as you know, I bought a house backed up to National Forest here in the States. So I have this huge, huge expanse of land that I get to step out my door into, and so I could take my wife out there, okay, let’s grab your jacket, we’re going for, you know, going outside, and I can take her places that she’s never been. And there’s an element of excitement, what could happen here. And then there’s an element of submission. And that can lead to sex, sex in the walk, or I can, you know, go back to our previous episode. Like, if I’m from doing it, right, I’m joking with her. I’m being funny, funny, and mean, at the same time, basically sarcastic, and going through it. And I can add these elements. 

But we’re talking about here from most of the men who aren’t in your situation, Tim, they’ve been deactivated for a long time, they find themselves, and no guy likes to admit they’re in the beta trap or the beta roll, but it’s what it is. And the woman has taken back the power she’s controlling when you have sex, and she’s controlling the house’s mood. One way you can start to take that back is by releasing this dopamine by surprising her right, becoming more dominant with a surprise. And you can do that with a planned thing, as you talked about, with your GPS telling you to go one way, and you went a different way, right. And doing something along those lines, that keeps her guessing that there’s gonna be some guys in here that their relationship is so on the rocks, that their woman is gonna be like, Oh, my God, he’s gonna kill me, you know, going through her head. And that’s good, guys. Please don’t do it. Right, obviously. But it’s good to have her on her toes and then do something awesome. So plan it out, think about this, hey, I’m going to come home from the store. And I’m gonna swing around, I’m gonna take her for a cup of coffee, I’m going to take her for a drink, I’m going to take her, get some chocolate, whatever but surprise her and take her on that you’re leading the journey, you are in control. And that’s the key difference here. And that’s how you can switch this state up fast. Now, it’s only one element you still gotta get yourself activated, and it’s only one element to get you back into the driver’s seat to keep her guessing. But now you haven’t, and you can get her a little off-balance here. She’s gonna most likely fight for that balance, and if you’re not secure and where you are, there’s a good chance that she’s going to regain balance and knock you off. But we’ll get into that another time for now. What I want guys to know is that you can become dominant by using this dopamine surprise trick. And you can use it today.

Tim Matthews  18:53

Um, yeah, a little bit. And again, I think it does feedback into the previous episode, right? To take control of your own needs, be working out. The cold shower needs are a big word more than you consciously put yourself in more of a masculine spirit. Let’s say to yourself, still in that drive, come back. The Activation Method comeback. The easier it’s going to be within like this, the easier it’s to be playful and confident with this thing making good points and doing this with playfulness. It is gonna be a sharp fire to stay Rock Steady within this and pass the test that will come along with it and continue to move forward as is.

Doug Holt 19:44

Yeah, absolutely. So, gentlemen, the first thing you want to do here is to figure out and admit and be honest. It works. The state you are in is the facts, and if you’re in this situation where you know, you need to spice things up or haven’t done in a while. That’s step one is realizing that step two is planted out. My challenge to you is in the next three days, you have three days to pull the surprise could be sample could be a, you got 10 minutes, get in the car taking you somewhere or don’t say anything 10 minutes I want to see in the car, she might ask where don’t tell her. Grab your coat, grab your jacket, get her prepared, right? You don’t want her freezing somewhere, but have that surprise or two, which is a much easier one, to be honest, if your guys are going out someplace without the kids, although you can do a little bit with the kids. But really, what I want you guys to do is without the kids. If you’re going somewhere and again could be shopping or what have you, take a detour, stop by grabbing a cup of coffee, stop by getting some chocolate, ice cream, or whatever, go for a go to the hoods. Take a detour that is unexpected by her and do that. And make sure you maintain the dominant frame. Right? Don’t become submissive to all of your questioning or submissive to what she’s saying. Make sure you have the dominant frame. Please don’t do it in a time where she’s got like a doctor’s appointment she’s got to get to or something like that. I can see some guys doing this going, Doug, it didn’t work. You know she had a meeting or a doctor’s appointment. I got her like she was late, and she didn’t want the ice cream.

Tim Matthews  21:22  

So he’s so selfish. 

Doug Holt  21:23  

Yeah, exactly. He can see this coming, right? So be smart about it, guys. And if you have questions, ask them in the Facebook group, right? Refer to this podcast episode. And ask them in the Facebook group. That’s what it’s there for. Right? It’s there for a community of men just like you business leaders who are married and want to take it to the next level. So, gentlemen, that’s a wrap for us. As always, if it’s your first time listening to us, please go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus. That’s ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus. And get that Reignite Cheatsheet. Try it. This is going to help you in just what I’m talking about right here. And then, of course, if you’ve been with us for a while, Tim and I have a favor to ask if you haven’t done it already, probably getting sick taught me here and hear me talk about it. But go over and leave a rating to leave an authentic rating on wherever you find this iTunes, Spotify, YouTube, Facebook, wherever you’re finding us so other men like yourself can find more episodes like this and get the help of waking up. So gentlemen, have an amazing week, and we’ll see you next time.