Episode #1213
A man stops shouting, stops arguing, stops slamming doors, and decides he has finally cracked it. Months later his wife is still bringing up the same complaint and he is privately furious about it. He is doing everything right, so why is nothing moving? The answer is usually that he swapped one version of DEER mode for a quieter one, and nobody told him the quiet one counts.
In this conversation Tim Matthews sits down with Stephen Fleming for an advanced look at DEER mode: Defend, Excuse, Explain, React. In The Activation Method men learn DEER broadly, enough to see how they are feeding the dynamic at home. This episode maps the deeper layer, the subtle moves that look like maturity and function like absence. The through line is simple and uncomfortable: leadership fails the moment presence collapses.
The discussion covers:
- Defend and the shame underneath it: why correcting the facts is really self-image protection, what a man hears when his wife says he did not do the dishes, and why sitting in guilt rather than shame changes the entire exchange.
- Explain versus taking responsibility: explaining centres on intent and dilutes accountability, while responsibility centres on impact, stays relational and tolerates discomfort. One of them erases an apology the moment it arrives.
- The somatic tells and their antidotes: shallow breathing, a tight jaw, pressure in the head and an urgency to talk, met with slower pace, softer knees, feet on the floor and fewer words.
- The four Fs of reacting: fight, flight, freeze and fawn, and why a nervous system can be wired into one of them until daily embodiment practice retrains it.
Reactivity is not about volume, it is about absence. Once a man can feel the exact moment his presence leaves the room, he gets the choice back. That is the work underneath the tools men use in The Activation Method, from the Hidden Motives Technique to the Clean Slate Letter, and it is what Alpha Rise and Shine and Alpha Decompression are quietly training every day. For related listening, start with Co-Piloting Your Relationship: Communication and Connection, referenced on air, then From "I'm Fine" to Honesty: Creating Safe Spaces in Marriage.
Timestamp Chapters
00:00 - What DEER Mode Stands For
00:25 - Welcome to The TPM Show with Tim Matthews and Stephen Fleming
01:08 - Why DEER Mode Came Up in the Community This Week
01:23 - Defend, Excuse, Explain, React: The Short Version
04:06 - Doug Holt Mid-Roll: A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage
05:00 - How Problem-Solving Mode Erases the Apology You Just Made
05:40 - Leadership Fails the Moment Presence Collapses
06:17 - D for Defend: Correcting the Facts to Protect Your Self-Image
08:30 - Shame Versus Guilt, and Why the Difference Decides Your Response
10:07 - What Real Validation Sounds Like, Word for Word
10:45 - E for Explain: Using Words to Reduce Your Own Discomfort
11:18 - The Grounded Masculine Leadership Workbook from Japan
12:44 - What Explaining Sounds Like, Including "Is It Really a Big Deal?"
13:36 - Why Explaining Pulls a Man Out of His Body and Out of Leadership
14:55 - Explain Versus Taking Responsibility: Intent or Impact
15:46 - A Real Text Message, and Everything It Missed
17:35 - Ownership First: What the Message Should Have Said
19:53 - Somatic Signs You Are Explaining: Tight Jaw, Urgency to Talk
20:19 - The Antidote: Breathe, Slow Down, Feel Your Feet
20:51 - Fewer Words, More Listening, Letting Silence Do the Work
23:15 - Validation Goes Both Ways
23:38 - Defensiveness as One of the Four Horsemen
24:31 - E for Excuse: Avoiding Responsibility Without Looking Like It
26:07 - R for React: Why Walking Out Counts
27:25 - Reactivity Is Not About Volume, It Is About Absence
27:40 - The Four Fs: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn
29:23 - Withdrawing Presence Because You Did Not Get What You Wanted
30:20 - Why The Activation Method Goes Broad and This Goes Deep
31:32 - Coming Back Into the Body: Alpha Rise and Shine, Alpha Decompression
32:41 - "I'm Not Reacting Anymore, I'm Just Going Quiet"
33:41 - Stephen's Takeaways
33:44 - A Micro Incident on the Way Out the Door
35:07 - The Repair, and How Fast It Could Have Happened
35:35 - Get the Advanced DEER Dynamics Cheat Sheet
RELATED EPISODES
- Co-Piloting Your Relationship: Communication and Connection
- From "I'm Fine" to Honesty: Creating Safe Spaces in Marriage
- Breaking the Cycle: Reconnecting in Marriage
Frequently Asked Questions
What does DEER mode stand for?
DEER is an acronym for Defend, Excuse, Explain and React. It describes the four ways a man loses presence when his wife brings him a complaint. Tim Matthews calls it a major form of defensiveness, and it is one of the main reasons couples stay stuck in the same loop.
Why does my wife keep bringing up the past?
Usually because she has never felt seen in that experience. Tim's point in this episode is that when a man gets defensive and falls into DEER mode, the original moment never actually closes. She is not relitigating the past for sport, she is still waiting to be validated in it.
Is going quiet during an argument better than blowing up?
No. Both are the R in DEER. Tim is explicit that most men think reacting means raising their voice, when shutting down and withdrawing is the other version of the same thing. Reactivity is not about volume, it is about absence. Saying "I'm getting triggered, I need ten minutes, I'll be back at 3:30" is different, because you are letting her in on your experience and you are coming back.
What is the difference between explaining and taking responsibility?
Explaining focuses on intent, centres on the self, avoids feeling the impact and dilutes responsibility. Taking responsibility focuses on the impact, stays relational, tolerates the discomfort and keeps presence intact. In the episode Tim shows how an explanation tacked onto the end of an apology eradicates the validation the apology just created.
What does validation actually sound like?
Tim gives a word-for-word example at 10:07: "I'm sorry. The last thing I want right now is for you to feel like you can't trust me. I know you've got a lot on your plate right now, you're right. I did say I'd do the dishes, and I didn't. I'm sorry for letting you down." No correction of the facts, no explanation afterwards, nothing added to reduce his own discomfort.
What are the four Fs of reacting?
Fight (anger, criticism, sharpness, domination), flight (avoidance, distraction, staying busy, leaving the room), freeze (shutting down, going numb, blank silence) and fawn (people pleasing, over-agreeing, over-apologising, losing yourself to keep connection). Tim's point is that a nervous system can become wired to default to one of them, which is why the work is physical as well as verbal.
Stop waiting for the right time.
You do not get the choice back by trying harder in the moment. You get it back by learning to feel the exact second your presence leaves the room. If you want the map of how DEER shows up in its quieter forms, email DEER to VIP@thepowerfulman.com and we will send you the Advanced DEER Dynamics Cheat Sheet.
Also listen on:
Transcription
Tim Matthews 00:00
DEER mode is an acronym for defend, excuse, explain, and react.
Tim Matthews 00:04
Take that deep breath and just feel back into your body. Feet on the ground.
Tim Matthews 00:08
Ultimately, reactivity isn't about volume; it's about absence. There's an absence of presence.
Tim Matthews 00:15
I could have cleaned it up. I could have cleaned it up quicker. Always learning.
Tim Matthews 00:19
The number one thing a woman wants from her man is presence.
Tim Matthews 00:22
I completely invalidated what she'd said to me. Her observation.
Tim Matthews 00:25
A grounded man does not rush to be understood, does not argue with experience, does not need to convince.
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the TPM Show. My name's Tim Matthews. I am your host, and I am joined by the incredible King of Cheese, Mr. Stephen Fleming. Been in the movement for seven years.
Been a while now. Been a while. Fellow Yorkshireman.
Stephen 00:59
Absolutely.
Tim Matthews 01:00
Lover of cheese, lover of IPA, family man. Keep going. You're doing great.
Okay, so I would like to talk to you about DEER mode. Excellent. I saw you asked a question in the community about DEER mode earlier today. I did.
So for those guys that have not heard us talk about DEER mode before, in essence, DEER mode is an acronym for defend, excuse, explain, and react. It is something that guys often find themselves falling into whenever they react to their wives.
Ultimately, DEER mode can be very destructive because it is a major form of defensiveness. Whenever you get defensive—and side note, this is one of the reasons why wives often bring up the past. This is one of the reasons why couples can stay stuck in the same loop over and over and over, and the guy can often get very short-tempered and say things like, "Hey, I thought we had moved on from that."
Well, part of the reason why she hasn't moved on from it is because she hasn't felt seen in her experience, usually because the guy has become defensive and fallen into DEER mode.
Now, we're going to go deep into the actual four pieces of DEER mode, if you will: defend, excuse, explain, and react. Because they can show up very subtly, and they can creep up on you without you even knowing it. So much so, it can really put you in a position of feeling very confused. When I say you, I'm talking about the guy feeling very confused because he thinks he's doing all the right things, and thus creating stories and building resentments that create more disconnection.
Coincidentally, I had a guy who I coach and work with one-on-one send me some text messages on Wednesday that he had sent his wife because I'm working with him and his wife, and we're going through some stuff together. One of the big issues is the way in which he responds to her.
When he read out this text message, I asked him the question, "Hey, do you see how defensive you are being?" And he couldn't. For him, he gets really frustrated because he feels really misunderstood. Because in his text message, he thinks he's being very loving because he's trying to take responsibility, and he is then going into problem-solving mode.
Doug Holt 04:06
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Tim Matthews 05:00
Which completely misses an opportunity to validate his wife in her experience. In all of this, at the end of problem-solving mode, he then goes to an element of DEER, which is to explain. "But this is why I did the thing that I did."
I was walking him through this on Wednesday, the deeper dynamics within DEER, because as soon as he then goes into the explaining part, if he would have apologized in the beginning and validated, the explaining then completely eradicates any of the validation he's just done.
So I want to map out these advanced DEER dynamics with you, because the reality is, leadership fails the moment presence collapses. Would you agree with that? Absolutely.
We've got to become aware of all the subtle ways in which the presence can collapse. Guys often think that falling into DEER mode is some big, crazy reaction, blowing up and getting angry and all the rest of it. That is one form of reacting if we look at the R of DEER mode. But the other form of reacting is to shut down and withdraw, which in essence would be stonewalling.
Now, if we start from the beginning, the defensiveness. The defensiveness is essentially just that. It is a desire to want to correct the content and the facts with what you are being presented with.
Let's just say—you're smiling, as defensiveness is my specialist subject—let's say that you've been presented with, "Hey, you never do the dishes. I can't rely on you. You never do them. You always say you will, and you never do."
If you get defensive and get hung up on the facts in that moment, what that might look like is, "Well, no, you're wrong. Yesterday I did the dishes, and last week I did them twice," and whatever it may be.
Now, the reason why guys tend to do that is because we are trying to protect our self-image. We do not want to look bad in the eyes of the woman that we love. So in that moment, the reflex is to react and try and correct the facts and the content with the hope that she goes, "Oh, you're right. You did do them last week. You also did them yesterday. I am sorry. I will calm down," or whatever it may be.
It's never going to happen, right? That's never happened. No, ever.
Because whenever you get stuck in the content, the dishes—because her complaint about the dishes has nothing to do with the dishes. It could be the fact that she feels unsupported, that she has a lot on her plate, that she can't rely on you, whatever it may be.
If you get sucked into the content, you miss the whole opportunity to connect. And you've not validated her, right? Zero. Completely invalidated. So she's not seen.
The other thing that goes on for a guy in this scenario is oftentimes a guy will drop into shame. When he feels like his self-image is being threatened in the eyes of the woman that he loves, part of the reason why he goes to defend that is what I've just said a minute ago. But it's also to get him out of feeling shame, because that's what will often get triggered: the toxic shame that may exist within him.
So what she says is, "You're not doing the dishes." What he hears is, "I'm a failure because I haven't done the dishes. I've let her down. I'm not good enough. What's wrong with me?"
So in order for him to get out of that shameful place, which in that moment, in the shame, he makes it about him, hence he wants to correct the facts. "No, no, I'm not that bad. I did the dishes yesterday. I did the dishes last week."
Versus, if he stayed with her, because she's bringing a complaint over, if he could stay with her and her experience in that moment, maybe there's two options here. First of all, validate, like you said. But also, if there's an element of truth to that and there is an agreement there and it hasn't followed through, then instead of going into shame, just sit with the guilt.
There's a big difference between shame and guilt. Shame is, "I am bad." Guilt is, "Something I did is wrong." Or shame is, "I am wrong." Guilt is, "Something I did is wrong."
So if you can sit with that, the validation might sound something like, "I'm sorry. The last thing I want right now is for you to feel like you can't trust me. I know you've got a lot on your plate right now. You're right. I did say I'd do the dishes, and I didn't. I'm sorry for letting you down. I'll make sure it won't happen again."
That response there, more than likely, is gonna be enough to draw a line in the sand. She's gonna move on. She's felt seen. You've taken accountability, and that's it. There's no defensiveness creeping in.
So that's the D in DEER mode. Now we move to the E, and the first E is explain. This is where you will—I say you, I mean you, Stephen. Has happened. The proverbial you.
Stephen 11:06
Happy to be used as an example on this.
Tim Matthews 11:08
I can see you smiling away, smirking. The cogs are turning.
Stephen 11:11
Well, it kind of goes in with, for me, it links in with the defensiveness.
Tim Matthews 11:15
Which bit, the E?
Stephen 11:17
Yeah.
Tim Matthews 11:18
It does.
I'm bringing the guidebook—the workbook, rather—we took the men through in Japan. We went through the event on grounded masculine leadership because we did a deep dive on this, and there was a nice distinction with the E.
So E, explain. This is talking instead of staying present. Explain is not communication, it's not clarity, and it's not leadership. It's a strategy to reduce the internal discomfort by using words.
Again, with this, you'll get stuck on the content, and this is where you feel like you're talking two different languages to your wife because she'll bring over a complaint, which usually comes from an emotional place where she wants to be seen and validated in her experience. But as men, we hear the content, which is the facts or the story, whatever, and we deal with the surface versus getting beneath it and meeting her there.
So the explain piece. Let me give you some examples of explain. Explain sounds like, "No, no, you're wrong. What I meant was..." "No, you're missing the context." "No, that's not what happened. Let me explain why."
All of this is explaining or attempting to use words to explain the circumstance around why you did what you did.
So the dishes: "No, no, you're wrong. I did wash up yesterday. I washed up last night. You know how busy I've been at work. You've only got to look after the kids or the dogs," or whatever it may be. "I've got all this stuff on my plate. You know how hard I'm working. You know we're getting the house done right now. You know we're wanting to go away. You know how much pressure I'm under. The last thing I need to think about is the dishes. We'll just do the dishes tomorrow. Is it really a big deal?"
And that's a killer when you go, "Is it really a big deal? It's not that important." Because you're minimizing their experience.
So in this moment, obviously, when you go to explain, it's still a collapse of presence. Again, I'm just going to reference this workbook we took the guys through because there's some really good material in it.
What we said to the men here is, why explain is still a loss of leadership: when a man explains, he moves out of his body. He stops feeling the room because, again, shame makes it about him. He stops tracking the other person because, again, he's collapsed into shame, and he starts managing the interaction.
Essentially, he's trying to control through language. Explaining is often an attempt to regain control of the situation when presence feels risky.
On the other hand, presence might sound like—and the reason why we spoke about presence a lot in Japan was we were talking about, essentially, grounded masculine leadership. The number one thing is presence. The number one thing a woman wants from her man is presence.
Oftentimes, men can fall into the trap of making presence conditional. "Okay, when I get my needs met, then I'll give more presence. Then I'll be more attentive." We all know how it tends to be after we've had sex. We're probably the most attentive we've been in a long while. Ideally, we'd flip that around a bit.
So that's the explain. We've covered D, defensive. We've covered the E, explain. Now let's move to the E—excuse.
In fact, I'll back up. Explain versus taking responsibility. Explaining focuses on the intent, as we've said. "I didn't mean it that way," or, "I'm so busy," or whatever it may be. It centers on the self. I'm making it about me. It avoids feeling the impact. That'd be the validation: "I'm sorry I did that. I know you've got a lot on."
It dilutes responsibility. "Oh, well, you know how busy I am. I've got so much going on," so on and so forth.
Whereas responsibility that would have to be taken if you're not going to execute explain focuses on the impact, stays relational. This is all validation, tolerates discomfort, and keeps the presence intact.
So going to this text message that this incredible guy sent his wife, basically her complaint—she's going through a really tough time personally with her parents, and there was some disconnect that happened in the relationship prior to her having to go and spend time with her parents that she hasn't yet been able to deal with with her husband. So that's still weighing on her.
She's been all go, go, go since arriving to take care of her parents, so she said that she's not been able to process that yet.
The initial comment he made when he was trying to connect with her was, "Oh, how come you have time for everybody else, but you don't have time for me?" Which didn't go down very well, as you could imagine.
So instead of him responding how I think he should have done, which I'll go through in a minute, he said something to the effect, loosely, of, "You're right. I wasn't present. Next time I'll put my phone away." I remember him saying that: "You're right. I wasn't present. Next time I'll put my phone away."
Then he went on to explain, and he kind of went, "But..." Can't remember the details of that. Then a final piece was around taking action or something.
So he completely missed her experience.
My advice to him was, you want to start with, first of all, ownership. "Hey, I'm sorry for what I said. It was insensitive. I was a little bit triggered because I want to see you. I want to see you and have time with you, but I shouldn't have reacted that way. I'm sorry. I should be taking things off your plate right now, not adding to them.
"I know you've got a lot on. I know we've not been able to talk about what happened a couple of weeks ago, and that's weighing on you. I know you've not had a chance to process things with your parents yet, and that's also weighing on you. I'm really sorry for everything that's going on right now. I know it's a lot, and I'm here for you.
"Regarding the phone, you're right. I'm sorry for taking my phone out when we were together. I know how important it is for you to feel like you were chosen, and that you're not just a book that I can pick up and put down."
It's like her words that she's used as well. Wish I could take credit for that. She said it.
"I know you don't want to feel like a book that I just pick up and put down. It's important to me that you see how much you matter to me. So next time, my phone is going to be away. I'm sorry. I'm here for you."
When I explained this to him, he could see the difference. When I brought this up to him, he could see how some of his stuff was being defensive.
So in those moments where you can do what I've just said with the empathy and the validation and all the rest of it, it keeps it focused on her. Keeps it focused on her experience. I'm not trying to alleviate my shame. I'm not trying to explain why I did something. I'm just purely seeing her, validating her in her experience.
We are social creatures. We have an innate desire to feel seen and heard. So therefore, I need to validate her in her experience, which means I take responsibility. It means I keep it relational and focus on the impact, and I apologize too. I may reassure that it won't happen again. But the big thing is to keep it with her.
Somatic signs of explaining. So when a man is explaining, he often notices shallow breathing, tight jaw or throat, pressure in the head. You're not liking this, are you? All very familiar. Urgency to talk and a loss of bodily awareness.
So therefore, what might be one of the antidotes to explain? Breathe deep. Loosen your jaw. I was going to say smile, but that might not be appropriate. Slow down. Opposite urgency to talk. Feel your feet on the floor. Soften your knees.
All the things that slow things down and drop you into your body.
Grounded alternative without becoming passive. What replaces explain? Fewer words, slower pace, more listening, regulated presence.
A grounded man does not rush to be understood, does not argue with experience, and does not need to convince. He can let silence do some of the work. That's not weakness. That's authority.
Stephen 21:24
I've definitely found something around saying less, for sure. As you say, breathing. If we're sitting, I'll have my hands on the table, taking a pause as well.
Tim Matthews 21:37
Once she finishes talking, just being silent for five seconds. Usually, in my experience, more than tends to come, so it wasn't the right time to speak anyway.
Stephen 21:50
For me, the validation piece, I literally have to drop into my body because there can be a desire. I can feel myself shift into my head at times, which is that part of me that wants to correct some of it because I want to maintain the connection with her.
I'll worry that if I am seen in her eyes as bad as she is making me out to be, then I'll lose the connection. So it comes from a good place. I wouldn't do it because I'm trying to put her down or anything like that. I mean, because I don't want to lose the connection.
Tim Matthews 22:29
However, you have to protect something, aren't you?
Stephen 22:32
Exactly, but it loses the connection. Definitely for me, something about taking that deep breath and just pausing, slowing the words, slowing the moment, and for me to try and connect to feel a bit more the way she's feeling.
As soon as I get the validation bit rolling in the beginning and the empathy, it goes well.
I've been so defensive throughout the course of my life that for me, just that validation thing—I'm not saying when I do that it's unexpected, but it's kind of a bit disarming, quite reassuring. She's like, "Okay, we're not in defensive world again like we always are."
Tim Matthews 23:15
You know what? Women do this too. Just a side note. I know this isn't about—I'm not passing the blame in any way. But last episode we spoke about co-piloting. So there's been times with—validation is key. Not only does a woman want it, men want it too.
We're all human beings, and defensiveness is the antithesis of open and honest communication. It's actually one of the four horsemen of divorce. Defensiveness, stonewalling, all those things that go with it, is very destructive for a relationship.
There's been times in the past where, for sure, I have been defensive, and at times Amelia has too. I've chosen to point that out, and credit to her, she's, "Do you know what? You're right. I am." Taking it on.
But it takes two.
Stephen 24:13
I think that sometimes there's a reflectiveness as well. If I'm being defensive, Jane's gonna be defensive, for sure, because why wouldn't you be, in a way?
For me, there's an element of, like a lot of things, the energy you're giving out gets reflected straight back at you.
Tim Matthews 24:31
I 100% agree with you.
So let's move on to excuse. This is all about avoiding responsibility without looking like you are. Simple things like, "Now's not the right time. I'm under a lot of stress. You know how busy work is. I'll deal with it once things calm down. That's not fair given everything I do."
The whole idea of this, none of these things are necessarily false. Factually, they will be correct. That's what can make excuse so effective. But also in the process, it can stonewall the person, and the function of it is the same. Responsibility is postponed. There's a delay in taking responsibility, and presence is reduced. So there's an avoidance that takes place.
Now, with excuse, there's still a loss of leadership. Like I said, because in that moment, you miss the moments to connect. Someone's bringing a complaint over. Instead of being able to come and be with it, you brush it off.
If that happens and happens consistently, guess what? The person that's bringing the complaint, they're going to stop bringing the complaints because they get taught by you that their complaints aren't welcome. Then they start to push them down and essentially shut down and disconnect, which is not a great place to be.
Stephen 26:06
Not at all.
Tim Matthews 26:07
No, which is where a lot of women are when the guys come into The Activation Method.
So we've covered defense, defensiveness. We've covered explain, excuse. Now the final R, or the final letter rather, which is R for react.
So this is where you lose presence when the emotion or the tension rises. Most men think that react is blowing up or raising their voice or losing control. That's only one version of it.
Ultimately, you react when you are no longer available, open, responsive, or grounded in your body.
Stephen 26:47
So if you just choose to walk out of the room, that's a reaction. That's stonewalling, isn't it?
Tim Matthews 26:54
Yeah. I mean, you might say, "Hey, I'm getting a little bit triggered right now. I just need 10 minutes. I'll be back in 10 minutes. I want to hear what you've got to say. I'm just struggling to remain present. I just need 10 minutes. I'll be back."
That's different, isn't it? "I'll be back at 3:30." That's totally fine. There's no stonewalling in that moment. You're letting her in on your experience, so she knows what's going on. You're just going to come back when you can have more of a calm conversation.
Ultimately, reactivity isn't about volume; it's about absence. There's an absence of presence.
Now, there are four ways that men will typically react. Again, there's a blowing up and there's a shutting down.
The first one is fight. This is very common. This is anger, criticism, sharpness, domination, verbal aggression, all that kind of stuff. So there's a fight. Four Fs here.
The second F is flight. There is an avoidance, a distraction, staying busy, leaving the room, changing the subject. There's a flight.
Then there's a freeze. A freeze would be shutting down, going numb, blankness, silence. You just freeze. Nothing.
Then the fourth one is fawn. Fawn means you essentially lie. So you're met with a complaint or something that's coming your way, and in order to dilute the intensity, you might just agree or have a knee-jerk lie, just so you don't sound as bad and/or to minimize the situation.
This could be people-pleasing, appeasing, over-agreeing, over-apologizing, ultimately losing self to keep connection.
Now, the thing with this is our nervous systems can literally become wired to operate in one of those four Fs. Hence the bodily piece being so important, because in that you will retrain your nervous system over time.
Reacting can be automatic. It can narrow your awareness, it can remove choice, and it'll pull you out of your body. Whereas if you stay grounded, it's responsive versus automatic. It stays embodied. There's a discomfort that can be tolerated, and it keeps choices available.
Now, the thing with this—I'll just talk a little bit about reacting in relationships and then come back to the thing with this.
Often in relationships, reacting can look like withdrawing when intimacy isn't offered. It could be expectations, sulking instead of speaking, becoming cold or distant, shutting down to avoid conflict, disappearing physically or emotionally, withholding warmth or attention.
Ultimately, it's withdrawing presence because you didn't get what you wanted. That is still a form of reacting, even if you don't raise your voice, even if you don't argue, or even if you think you're being mature.
Ultimately, presence has been removed. Therefore, yes, a reaction.
Stephen 30:15
Yeah. So interesting. There's a lot there, isn't there?
Tim Matthews 30:20
There is. It's a much deeper dive because in The Activation Method, we go broad on DEER mode. We just talk about, "Hey, defend, excuse, explain, react," just so the men can start to understand how they're contributing to the dynamic in the relationship.
Because when that happens, there's an invalidation, and that has typically been happening in the relationship for quite a while by the time they come to The Activation Method. But when that's happening, the woman obviously feels invalidated in her experience, and the defensiveness just kills the connection.
So one of the big movement difference-makers, if you will, in The Activation Method is the men learning to be able to sit in that discomfort and become open and available by using things like the Hitamotives technique and the Clean Slate letter.
As they do that, the woman starts to lean back in because she feels heard again, she feels seen again, and bit by bit, trust is rebuilt.
Now, the longer you go in the movement, the more we want you to become aware of the deeper dynamics within DEER because, as you may have saw a pattern there, the key to a lot of that is coming back into your body.
So as you've got things like your ARS, your Alpha Rise and Shine, your Alpha Decompression, some of the breathwork stuff we do, other practices we give you guys, these all help you to become more embodied in your most authentic self.
Therefore, your level of awareness around this stuff is heightened, and your ability to become subtly aware of how DEER might show up increases dramatically.
I mean, final note on some of this. Part of the reason why we put this training on in Japan was we were hearing guys say to us so often, "Hey, I'm doing a really great job. I'm not reacting anymore. I used to blow up, but man, I'm just so tired of hearing what she's saying. She's saying the same thing over and over."
To which I said, "Okay, how are you responding?"
"Oh, I'm not saying anything."
"Well, what do you mean you're not saying anything?"
"Well, no, I'm just going quiet."
So he didn't realize he was still in DEER mode because he thought DEER mode was just him blowing up. But him shutting down and withdrawing is still a reaction. He's not remaining open and available.
There's a disconnect, and it got me thinking, how many of the guys is that happening to? How many of them don't realize the deeper dynamics within DEER, that if we actually educate them on them, they'd be able to be even more available and thus get a deeper connection with their partner?
Stephen 33:01
Certainly makes sense. As you say, the initial work to put the fire out of the explosive reaction or whatever. But then, very interesting what you said about those other levels of the ways that you can disconnect that you might not think you're disconnecting.
Certainly some of that resonates for me too. But the thing I found helps me the most is just that thing of—and it's the somatic stuff—whatever's happening, just to take that deep breath and just feel back into your body. Feet on the ground, hands on the table, whatever, and to feel open and to not withdraw.
Tim Matthews 33:41
What are your biggest takeaways from that? Is that the first?
Stephen 33:44
That's the first time I've heard that because, unfortunately, I didn't make it to the Japan trip, which is a regret. But it's on our family bucket list. I think I might have driven a lot of hot water.
Tim Matthews 33:55
Unless you'd have taken the family. Well, there's always that.
Stephen 33:58
So there's a story there as well, isn't there?
So takeaways for me, how much more there is to it, and just that there's always something to learn, isn't there? Certainly how important the somatic side of things is, and the presence and the connection there.
For me as well, thinking about there was a micro-incident for me a couple of days ago where I was heading out for an appointment, and I was a few minutes late, and I knew I was going to be late.
As I was out the door, Jane said, "Oh, you're going to be late." Rather than going, "Yeah, I know. I realize that," I flipped into DEER mode. I was like, "No, I'll be fine. I'll be there exactly on time."
Walked out the door, and in that moment, I realized I completely invalidated what she'd said to me. Her observation, her attempt of connection to say, "Oh, you're going to be a bit late."
I just thought, "Oh my God." I was in the car. I was like, "How do you repair that?" Circled back later on and just said, "Yeah, I realized when you mentioned that, I kind of shut you down, and I invalidated what you said."
Tim Matthews 35:07
How soon did you realize that you'd done that?
Stephen 35:10
Literally within minutes. Almost as soon as I'd said it, I was out the door, and I was like, "Yeah, wow, that was a distraction."
Tim Matthews 35:18
What stopped you from calling her?
Stephen 35:21
Good question. Nothing, I guess. Something. But yeah.
Tim Matthews 35:26
Could send a voice note.
Stephen 35:29
Voice notes don't work for us. But yeah, I could have cleaned it up. I could have cleaned it up quicker. Always learning.
Tim Matthews 35:35
So guys, thanks for joining us. If you would like to get your hands on the cheat sheet around mapping the advanced DEER dynamics, then just email DEER into VIP, Very Important Person, at thepowerfulman.com, and one of the team will get that out to you.
We love doing these episodes for you, so thank you for joining us, and we'll see you next time on the TPM Show.
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