Episode # 1159
How do you reconnect with your wife after years of marriage? What makes a great date night when life is busy, routines have taken over, and the spark feels harder to find?
In this episode, Doug Holt sits down with Coach Chris to answer those questions and share a practical approach to dating your wife again. Instead of focusing on expensive nights out or elaborate plans, they explain why meaningful connection comes from being intentional, playful, and genuinely curious about your partner.
You'll hear why simply going out to dinner often isn't enough, how small moments of connection can have a bigger impact than grand gestures, and why bringing fun, mystery, and leadership back into your relationship can change the way you and your wife relate to each other. Doug and Chris also share simple date night ideas, conversation starters, and mindset shifts that make it easier to reconnect without forcing difficult conversations or adding more stress to your relationship.
If you've been wondering how to reconnect with your wife, improve your marriage, create better date nights, or build a stronger emotional connection, this episode offers practical advice you can start using right away.
Get your free copy of A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It and discover practical steps to rebuild connection, strengthen your marriage, and become the husband your wife wants to reconnect with. Get your free book here: https://thepowerfulman.com/freebook
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Doug Holt 0:00
In your words, what is a conscious lover?
Chris 0:02
And so our sexuality becomes a part of our shame.
Doug Holt 0:04
That's where she's going to hide it.
Chris 0:07
Regular sex doesn't cut anymore.
Doug Holt 0:08
If sex is fun for you, why don't you learn about
Chris 0:11
it? Don't be afraid to have the hard conversations.
Doug Holt 0:14
Erogenous zone on a woman is between her ears.
Chris 0:17
How are you going to be able to get there and really show up like really be present?
Doug Holt 0:21
You're training your body to come quickly.
Chris 0:24
And they don't want the performance; they want you to be fully present in that.
Doug Holt 0:28
Women need connection to want intimacy.
Doug Holt 0:33
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The TPM Show. And if you joined us the last episode, the man, the myth, the legend, Coach Chris, is here with us again, and we're going to talk today about a subject that most people don't talk about. So, you're definitely gonna stick to the end, because we're gonna have some tools and techniques that you can use right away. But the topic is: how to get more sexual intimacy, or how to explore more sexual intimacy with your wife, your partner, and in your marriage? Chris, man, I notice a topic you and I both love talking about, and one that most people shy away from.
Chris 1:15
It's interesting, you know? Get the guys come through, some of the guys that end up in that relationship repair and they're really starting to head back towards the bedroom. It's one of my favorite topics is to understand where they're at, what's happened in the bedroom before, and understand how to rewrite that. And I always call it as becoming a conscious lover as a man, and we miss that. In a lot of our our wives over the years have felt like, "Well, this has always been about him. It's always been about him," right? And there's a lot there's a process that needs to be looked at and understood, what that means to be a conscious lover, and what intimacy at that level really means, you know.
Doug Holt 1:51
Let's talk about it. What in your words, what is a conscious lover?
Chris 1:54
A conscious lover is a man who's willing to lead her to her pleasure, first and foremost. That is the that's where it starts, and it's it's our journey to be able to bring them to those levels. They be in that wild feminine energy they're all over, right? And for us to lead them into places that do... we talked about this just on that last podcast, the fact that most men and women don't truly understand who they are as sexual beings. Most men, especially, have grown up in the shadows of their sexuality. We've been exposed to pornography very young. We didn't have anyone to talk to about it, so we hid it, and we hide it, and do these things, and self-pleasure with us for years and years. And now we're married, and now we're doing our 20s, and now we're in our 30s, and so our sexuality becomes a part of our shame, right? And we don't know what to do with it, or who to talk to, and most men aren't sitting down and having a conversation and be like, "I just self-pleasured last night, just doing meditation." No, it's like, you know, we don't it's not about that.
And so, and women have their own kind of shame that comes around and their own shadows. Like, we all know that they're just as sexual, if not more sexual than we are, but they've been taught culturally to... if they express that, they're going to be labeled, right? And so we're all living pretending, and then we try to get together and try to make this work, and really we're just trying to get each other's needs met without really communicating what that looks like.
Doug Holt 3:18
I love that. I think for this conversation, what I like to do is strip it back for the guys, so we're giving guys... you listen to Chris, he's giving you the roadmap. Let's strip it back a layer to: how do we get here, right? So one of the things that I want to bring up, just to bring it to the consciousness of the men listening we have a lot of women listen to this show is even in college, right, or that age in your 20s, a guy goes out and he hooks up with a lot of women, we call him a player. We like we kind of high-five them, "Good job, bro." Man, Chris is so amazing, you're that guy now. A woman does that, she's a whore, right? She's a slut. She's got to hide any sexuality that she has, and so that duality amongst the sexes is there, and that's where shame comes for her as well. That's where she's going to hide it.
Conversely, for guys who don't hook up a lot, right, there's shame and guilt there, like, "What's wrong with me?" or, "I'm not good enough," because I'm not getting into the stereotypical role of what, quote, "successful" is as a sexual being. And you fast-forward that going into marriage, right? For a lot of men, their sexual lives are really good when they're dating their wife, and before kids. You throw kids in the mix, what happens is something called the Whore-Madonna complex. A lot of guys have a hard time once after kids come around, because they put their wife on such a pedestal, right? And, "She's the mother of my kids," and sex and intimacy goes farther and farther away as far as the number of times they're having.
So when they do have sex with their wives, sometimes it's her feeling out of obligation the dutiful wife, right? And sometimes it's him, and he gets so excited, it's wham-bam, thank you, ma'am, right, going into it. And so you have these things playing, this shame and coming through you know, religion coming into there, you know, for a puritanical society where, you know, sex... we don't talk about it. To your point earlier, you don't. Most guys don't talk about sex with their wives to their buddies, you know. Women do, though. They talk with their girlfriends about it to a degree, but they don't talk about it openly. And how many couples actually have a conversation about sex? Were you taught? Did someone step up and say, "Hey, Chris, here's how you actually have good sex"?
Chris 5:44
No, never, right? You... we learned it through what were images and hearing things, right? And like that. And quite honestly, and until like it was probably... I was much later in my 30s later 30s before I started kind of pulling back the layers of like, why am I hiding this part of me away? Why am I suppressing it? And when I started being open I was with my ex-wife at the time it was like liberating. It was like a part of me I hid from the entire world forever, and I finally... and with that, allowed her to open up and be real about her needs and wants and her fantasies. Mind you, we'd been together since we were 19, 20 years old. 15 years later, now we're really having these real talks. That's that's... this is normal, what's happened in relationship right now.
Doug Holt 6:28
100%. One of the things I commonly talk to guys about when I bring it up you can see guys kind of squirm a little bit and aren't used to having conversations around sex. And one guy's, "Well, my wife doesn't, you know, she doesn't like getting into the bedroom." How fun is it, scale of one to 10? If I were to sit down, have coffee with your wife, how fun is the bedroom for her? And the guys just get flustered, like, "Ah, probably a two." Okay, here's a good place to start, man. If you want your wife in the bedroom more, make it fun, right? Don't make it a duty or a chore or something that she's like, "Cool. I'll have sex with him, then as soon as he's not around, I'll get the toys out and I'll masturbate, so I can get off just like he did."
Chris 7:12
There's... important to understand the anatomy of both the male and the female, right? Like, we we can we can get ready to go really quick and be done really fast, right? And but women take long. There's... the engine needs to be warmed up longer. And there's things like semen retention that I practiced for years and years, and because you... it allows me to be able to bring her to where she needs to be with that time in there. And and also understanding that, like you said, bring the fun into it. It can't be just you end up doing the same idea and thought, and that's the thing that happens most often. As men, we find a way to get them to the cross the line, the finish line, yep. And we're like, "I got a formula, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat." And that it doesn't work for them forever that way. It doesn't work for you forever that way, honestly, either. No. And so it's important. And one of the things I realized is, like, for me, as a sexual being, I have to play in many different areas. I love playing, although I want it to be very sensual sometimes. I want it to be sometimes almost a spiritual thing. Sometimes I want it to be very kinky, right? And if I play in one area too long, it doesn't look good for me. And so it's for me, I like to create experiences that play in all these different areas, so we're always moving around, experiencing, trying different things. So
Doug Holt 8:28
Shapeshifter.
Chris 8:29
Yes, very much so. Me, too.
Doug Holt 8:31
Not all the guys are... so guys listening to this, like, don't emulate myself or don't emulate Chris. Sure, we did an event in Costa Rica, we brought in a sex expert for the men for a number of days, and part of that was going over erotic blueprints something you and I are both very versed in. And what that is, guys, so you know, it's you take a series of tests to tell what you and ideally do this with your partner what turns you on, basically what is eroticism for you. And so for some people, it could be a variety of things. Some people it's just kink like they're just, kink is their thing. And if you did something sensual with a kinky person, they're like, "You know, let's go play cards right at the end of the day." So it's really important to know what yours is. And in my experience, most men because we had hundreds of guys go through this most men didn't know, right? And when the guys... and I would say about 50% of their partners took the test with them, and taking the test doesn't mean you have sex or anything, it's actually a written test. They were surprised at what their wives were, and they're like, "Oh, this makes sense," or, "Ooh, she's a sensual," you know. Okay, then I get to do more of this, because at the end of the day, I don't know about you, man, but for me, sex and intimacy is so much more fun when I can give my wife, my partner, immense pleasure. Like, I'm a guy like, "I did that."
Chris 9:58
Oh, it's the most masculine feat feeling when you can bring them to that over and over again. That's an amazing feeling, right? And what I've learned through the blueprints and just experimenting is that even when you've been tested and you're kind of the idea... I've had a partner, she very much was energetic and sensual. Well, as I brought more things to that within months, kink was very, very much on that. She just never had been exposed to it. Sure, she didn't know what that felt like. And so there's a there's... that can be a thing that changes as you grow and change and learn. So, and sometimes we think of like the blue or like the love languages, it's just not set in stone, no? Right. And then I think a lot of times, like, "Oh, this is my..." When did you do that? About 12 years ago. It was like, "That's you're not the same person." Exactly.
Doug Holt 10:43
Have world events changed? Like, do you still think the same about things? Hopefully, you don't. And think of it what I want guys to think about the bedroom is think about going to a restaurant, right? And what you've probably been doing with your wife is offering two items on the menu two or three, maybe. And after a while, it gets... imagine going to the same restaurant every night, or every week, or depending on some guys, it's been 10 years, right? But you only have three men the same three menu items. Now imagine being able to go to a restaurant and having 100 items on the menu, and you don't know what dishes are going to be served, right? That starts getting more exciting, more variety in there, more spice going through it.
I think something that's really important is the concept of "she comes first," right? And making that a priority doesn't have to happen all the time, right? I've talked to my wife and a lot of women about this, they're like, "Hey, you know, sometimes it's just fun to have a quickie, because that's all you got time got kids doing this, you got that going on." Then, to your point, women are like boiling water, so you gotta... it takes a long time for it to heat up. Us guys, we're microwaves. "When will you be ready?" "Now." And so you need to boil that water, and one way you can do that is by starting early in the morning touch, whisper in her ear what you're gonna do to her after work, you know, and start getting her thinking, because the most erogenous zone on a woman is between her ears.
Chris 12:13
The brain, yeah.
Doug Holt 12:14
And start suggesting it to her. We talk about this a lot I bring it up a lot. My wife and I had an intimacy coach. We decided, "Hey, let's get an intimacy coach when things are good rather than working on to be proactive." Tim did hire the same coach a couple years later, and one of the questions she asked him is like, "Hey, it's Friday night. When are you going to be ready for sex, and like, what do you need?"
Tim's like, "Now. Like, two minutes, maybe." You know, take a little bit.
He's like, "Okay." She's like, "Fair." She goes, "Amelia," which is Tim's partner, "it's Friday night. When does sex have to start for you?" That was a question, I think.
She goes, "Monday."
Tim's like, "Oh, right." You have to stoke the fire, because if you want sex on Friday, the guy still kicks on a Monday. We might as well stoke on Monday, Tuesday, so you have sex on Saturday, Sunday assuming intimacy is something you want.
Chris 13:09
Yeah. And I think and I think for men, being that conscious lover, too, is learning your body to understand your own self-control.
Doug Holt 13:16
Yes.
Chris 13:17
And that's it's a very big part, and that tends to be some self-practice that you need to do that. But in order to be that conscious lover, to be able to bring her there, you got to be able to do that, and you need that practice to be able to do that. And so, it's one thing I always tell the guys is like, the average guys lasting three or four minutes, right, and she takes 20 minutes to warm up, it's just not going to be there.
The other thing is, you know, if we're... you know, we're in our middle age, right? Things don't work the same, and so for me, ejaculation is something that I don't want as often I did when I was younger. It's a... that energy that I hold that sexual energy that I hold into it keeps me wanting that desire for her more and more. And so, a lot of times she wants it more than faster than I could recover if I did that. And a lot of times we don't talk about this. It's been like when we're young or 20, and it doesn't matter, it could be boom, boom, boom, but it changes, right? And this is something that's really important for us to understand. If we want to be a good conscious lover as we age, it's very important to reserve that energy and hold that sexual energy.
Doug Holt 14:18
Yeah, let's talk about that for a second. There's a couple things. I'll tell you what I've done. Gosh, how long ago was this? Maybe 15 years ago, I bought a device called the Private Gym. And so what that is, is Kegel exercises with breath. It's audio, and then it has levels, like a gym, so you go up like 30 levels, but also has a weight attachment. Eventually, you get to the weight attachment you can imagine where that goes. That allows your erections to be to be better, you have better blood flow. And what guys don't realize is there's two parts to being able to control ejaculation: one one is mental, the other one is you have a muscle in your body that you can strengthen that will help restrict ejaculation.
Chris 15:08
Yep, yeah. It's a really easy one to exercise, too. And you can put your fingers right under there and squeeze, and you'll feel it pulsate. And do reps with those every single day, do reps with those, and that helps you be able to control that, and so...
Doug Holt 15:22
Yeah, once you learn, you don't have to use the fingers, at least.
Chris 15:25
You know what it is.
Doug Holt 15:26
Be doing Kegels right now, driving in the car, or whatever it is. There are exercises that you can just continually do. Women can do it, too, right, and actually helps women with increasing their orgasms and ejaculations, as well as tightening things to make them more pleasurable for their partners, if you will.
So those are things you could do right away, guys. You can look up Kegel exercises there's a Dr. Kegel, I think, is where it comes from. The Private Gym still exists; I still recommend that to guys, especially guys that have problems with premature ejaculation, or guys are just like, "How do I last longer?"
And the other thing is, if you're watching a lot of porn and jerking off, and you know... because if you're by yourself as a guy watching porn, jerking off, you're like, "How fast can we get through this?" Let's go... you're training your body to come quickly, right? I'm personally having no problem with guys doing that I know some people are like, "Oh, you shouldn't do it at all." I just don't have a problem with it. But remember what your outcome you're trying to achieve, right?
Chris 16:30
You're training your body and your brain. And then there's... visually, for me personally, I think porn is more detrimental than it ever is going to be positive for men. And I think there's a lot of erectile dysfunction that happens because of this, and I think a lot of things... if anything, be conscious of how much you're consuming of that.
Doug Holt 16:49
And what kind.
Chris 16:50
And what kind, right.
Doug Holt 16:51
Yeah, because actors and actresses... I mean, got to remember this is what they are. They're not people; you're not just watching someone's home movie, per se. So, she's pretending like she's enjoying what's happening in the in the videos, so watch that. But also but between your ears, because what also happens when you're having sex is once you go into your head, she knows instantly, right? And she's like, "Okay, he's not with me." And that ruins her pleasure, right? And then all of a sudden it's just dead. There's no connection there, and that's a big problem for guys.
And a lot of guys get into their heads about performing: "Am I doing it right? Is she having fun?" And you can ask her, but try not to ask her during the act.
Chris 17:33
That's the biggest mistake of all time is asking questions while you're in the act of it. It's okay in the self-care after, but in the midst of it, your ultimate goal is to keep them in their body and out of their heads. That's when they're going to be able to come to orgasm. As soon as they go into their heads, that's when they lose that. And when we're asking questions, we're putting them right back in their masculine.
Doug Holt 17:58
But there's a book that goes over the anatomy of a woman, and how orgasms work for a woman? It was recommended by this sex expert that came to us. It was like pre-required material recommendation... Anatomy of Arousal, I think, is what it's... oh, yeah, yep. Great book.
And I think that brings to your point: how many men know their anatomy, even though it's on them? And like, if I have if you have a little kid, if you have a little boy, it's like their favorite toy to play with. And how many women know about their anatomy? Same thing, right? And women don't even know, let alone you exploring them.
And the reason I bring this up, one, is it's good to have the information. If sex is fun for you, why don't you learn about it, right? There's this idea that we're supposed to just know, right? Isn't it? And you can figure out how to have an or how to ejaculate, right? How to procreate kids, but to be have passionate sex, which everybody wants, right? Every guy I talk to, when I talk to him, they want more sex. I'm like, "Do you want just sex, or do you want intimate, passionate sex?"
"That's what I want, Doug. Intimate, passionate sex with my wife."
Like, okay, that's different, right, than just sex. So learn about the anatomy, and you can do this also by exploring your wife. Like, what if you just explored her, you explored every inch of her body, and got to know it intimately each and every time? What a turn-on for a woman.
Chris 19:28
Yeah, we've done a game in the past called Intuitional Touch, and where you get to lay them down, and then you get to kind of scan their bodies, and then you start touching them how you feel they need to be touched at that point, and you get to explore that. And it's a very, very erotic and very sensual game to do that.
Doug Holt 19:45
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what's broken, and not only do you know what's broken, but a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That's the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you're going to be toiling with things.
That's why I created a free training a training that only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have, to how you get it back, how do you retain that where your wife's looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, "I do." You know, I don't know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I'm her man, that feels like I can conquer the world, and I want that for you.
Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales. That's thepowerfulman.com/scales, and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you. Now, back to the podcast.
Chris 20:47
A lot of times, we skip these little things like that that can really make a big difference in the bedroom. Anytime you do that, you could build that... you're stoking the fire, there's a deeper connection, there's more conversation, and the next thing you know, it's different, right? It's not the same. And anyone who's had deep, intimate sex regular sex doesn't cut it anymore, it just doesn't cut it anymore. No.
Doug Holt 21:08
Well, it's like having... if you have vanilla ice cream your whole life, and all of a sudden you go to, you know, an ice cream shop that's got, you know, a Ben & Jerry's or something, you're like, "Oh shit, it's just Chunky Monkey." Okay, there's so many things you could do.
We talk about connection, right? Start with connection in the bedroom. There's just different flavors of sex. There's quickies, right? Sure, Aaron and I sometimes will have to schedule it in. We're like, "Things are busy, we got to figure this out. Let's schedule it, all right?" You know, we didn't want to put kids on shows... kids are now going to the basement, and they're going to watch a show for the next couple hours, right? And we're gonna have our time, because for us, the connection that we get out of intimacy is so much greater for the kids to be around that we look at it as a priority within our household as parents, let alone just lovers and partners.
Chris 21:56
And anyone who's been in a long-term relationship, the longer you go between physical intimacy, the larger that elephant becomes in the room. So, sometimes those quickies that need to be scheduled is just to keep that velvet out, and so it's still there, the door's still open, you know? So important.
Doug Holt 22:14
Yeah, one of the things I often tell the guys, Chris, is and I found this for me, and I say it a lot, and no one no one's going, "No, that's not for me, Doug," so far is men need intimacy or sex to be connected. Women need connection to want intimacy, right? And that's the difference. And when I figured that out for the guys, I'm like, "Hey, do you want you want more sex with your wife?"
"Yeah, I do, Doug."
"Okay, well, why don't you start with connection, right? Start with practicing connection, give her what she needs first." And in my experience, you're gonna get more than you need.
Chris 22:48
, absolutely. ,
Doug Holt 22:50
in my experience, too, Chris, is a lot of relationships that are honest, and they start talking about it, they get open, the wife wants sex more than the man. which most guys are like, no, no way,
Chris 23:01
They want the right sex. That's the difference.
Doug Holt 23:04
Yes, they want the right sex, the variety, and they want it with you, right? They want it with their man. And they may... a lot of guys listening to this are in bad places in a relationship, so you may not be there yet, right? And you can start making advances start with light touch, start with connection. Sit on the... get your wife, would say, "Hey, babe, this is what I want to do. I want to keep our clothes on. I just want to sit on the floor, put a candle between you."
She may think it's crazy, and she goes, "This is crazy."
Like, "You married me. Who's crazy, right?" Tell my wife that all the time. And then just gaze into each other's eyes, don't say a word.
Chris 23:40
Yeah, there's times that when they've gone so long and there's been so much and they're getting back to it, I actually have them take sex off the table, and because they have to introduce touch and connection first. And so we take it off for 30 days. You can do these things knowing there's no pressure to have to get there, and then they start understanding what it feels like to be touched again, what it feels like to accept and receive versus having the pressure of what that looks like to be back in the bedroom.
Doug Holt 24:04
Yeah, I love that. Something else that that surprised me, and my wife and I are very open, and we talk about sex probably more than I shouldn't say any couple I know, but more than most couples, I would definitely say, because we hang out with some people like yourself who have done the work and talk about intimacy. But outside of that realm, I can't think of another couple that we hang out with that talks about it as openly.
We did the Yes No Maybe sheet. We have it for TPM guys, so you could ask for it. Email VIP Very Important Person VIP@thepowerfulman.com. Tell them you want the Yes No Maybe sheet that Doug and Chris talked about. So, what that is have you seen this before? Oh, yeah. Okay. I gave it to my... ultimately describe what it is to the guys.
So, the Yes No Maybe sheet probably has 30 to 40 things. They're as benign as holding hands to then grows up to anal sex, "Do we bring another woman in the bedroom and a man in the bedroom? Do you role-playing?" You name it. And so next to it I'll just use I'll use blowjobs as an example, because most guys tend to want blowjobs. It'll have yes, no, or maybe.
And so what you do in theory, is you fill it out right away. Are these on the table? Are blowjobs on the table? Yes. But you also give her the sheet, and what I recommend guys do is give it to her and say, "Hey, let's just exchange." And you got to make it as non-judgmental as possible, right? Because you don't want to risk her thinking, "Ooh, if I put, bring another person in the bedroom," or whatever it may be, "or blowjobs, that he's gonna think I'm gross." So make it super open, and then exchange lists.
So my wife and I chose to do it, even though we're this open independently like, we didn't just like do it with each other, but we brought them together afterwards, right? And so I looked at my the list of my wife, you know, "Oh, that's on the menu. Okay. Oh, that one's off. Okay, that's good to know." Or there's a lot of maybes. I'm like, "All right, what makes that maybe a yes, and what makes that maybe a no?"
Chris 26:13
Some great conversation.
Doug Holt 26:14
Great. I mean, if you're gonna have conversation, good one to have, but it also is very safe, you know, so it's something you can just give her and you can fill out yourself. You got to create a safe environment for her, but then she can have the opportunity of letting you know what she's interested in, because I think a lot of times for men, if they just went to the wife like, "Hey, what is it you're interested in?" as you said this earlier, she doesn't know.
Chris 26:43
She doesn't know, yeah.
Doug Holt 26:44
Or she's scared of your reaction, you know. And if you're not having sex and all of a sudden she lists like 50 things that she wants to do, you're like, "Wait a minute, why aren't we doing these, right?" And how is he reacting to that?
Chris 26:56
I think, too, they all we all have fantasies, both men and women. They're reading these books, they're getting these fantasies. When you ask, "What's your fantasy?" like, "I don't know if I have any," like, bullshit. You do, but they also don't want to have to tell you your fantasy, because then then you're like... they're telling you what to do, which means then you're going to try, right? And it doesn't feel... you have to understand them, get this information, develop it, and bring it to the table, right. They're never going to be as direct with you as you think you want them to be. They're not guys.
Doug Holt 27:27
"But my wife is different, Chris." Yeah. So, two stories that came out to me. One I talk about a lot: there's a book that sold hundreds of millions of copies, Fifty Shades. If that book is about a man dominating a woman in every sense of the way...
Chris 27:47
Yes.
Doug Holt 27:48
If women didn't like that, that book would not have sold, right? That sold, so it was a bestseller for a long time.
Chris 27:56
In the end of the day, I mean, obviously it was very descriptive, it was, but really he just made a decision and led, right? And they took her, and then it just took her on these adventures. And they love the concept of that, right?
And if you... and those came out, and it got so big. I got the Audible, and it's like, I need to know what this is all about, because why is this? And I read this, and it really got me in the mind about what they actually needed their thinking, their desire, and their fantasies of what that looks like, and why it was so popular.
Doug Holt 28:23
Yeah, I have a client that I'm working on, doing one-on-one coaching with, and his issue is his wife was like, "I need you to be more assertive in our intimacy," because she was in perimenopause. And so she's like, "I love you, I want you. I just... I don't have it in me to initiate." And he had a stigma around this, like, you know, kind of... I talked about the Whore-Madonna complex. Like it... so, he's like he's like, he could do it, he can conceptualize it, but it came to the point he just couldn't show up.
And so I go, "I need you to read this book."
He goes, "Give me a break, Doug."
I go, "Nope, it's your homework assignment. Got 30 days to finish it."
He's like, "This is the trashiest writing, it's horrible."
I go, "It's not for the writing." He got through the book, he goes, "I get it." And he'd completely turned things around in his marriage, you know? It clicked for him like, "Oh, this isn't about the act of sex, this isn't about being dirty or not."
And one more thing I'll bring up, Chris, because my I called my former life, but I had a private training studio in Santa Barbara, and had two different locations, and both of those locations had an upstairs and a downstairs. The upstairs were always my offices because I always had another business, so it was private training. So, oftentimes a trainer would be there with their client alone, but I'd be upstairs, and the way the vents worked and everything, you could hear every conversation, but the clients didn't always know that, right? The trainer did, but the clients didn't, because the trainers would come up...
And this woman comes in I won't say her name but she's an accountant, the stereotypical accountant, like, by the book. And her husband, I think, was a software engineer or something. And she comes in, she was... and the trainer's like, "Oh, what's up? You know, Jen," I'll call her Jen, "how's it going?"
She's like, "I just want to be..." and she's like, "I want to just... I want someone to throw me against the wall." And she was very descriptive, and I was like, "Whoa."
But I heard these conversations a lot, you know, as these women that would come in, and then they feel like they're in a safe environment and they were, they just didn't know I was upstairs, or other people were and they would be very descriptive about wanting to be taken, right? And they wanted it from their man, right? And not necessarily they're going to cheat, but they wanted it from somebody if their man wasn't able to show up. And I think this happens so often that men just don't get the fact that if their wife feels safe, feels desired... safety has got to be first, and I talked about safety it's not physical safety, that should be just a given emotional safety. If she feels emotionally safe and desired and free, my bet is nine times out of 10, your wife is kinkier than you are, and her desires are more wild than yours. At least that's been my experience talking to women and talking to their husbands.
Chris 31:17
Yeah, I've had quite a few guys that their their wives are expressing that they want to go there, and they're only getting... the guys are getting in front of themselves. They're getting their own way with that, and it's maybe the little Mr. Nice Guy syndrome going on here, that fear of rejection on there, fear like, "Maybe they're overly sexualized than I am, I'm going to be able to keep up," and all these things play through their heads, and like, it's a difficult wall for men to get past. We're so vulnerable when we're in that space.
Doug Holt 31:46
I agree, and so... well, what would you recommend a guy do if he felt self-conscious in that space?
Chris 31:53
I think taking smaller steps, like maybe having just taking sex off the table for themselves, right, but still go into the exploring touch, because some of these guys are having a difficult time just holding their guy their wife's hands, that afraid to go back in that space. So, thinking about the bedroom, holy shit, if you're having a tough time holding her hand, how are you going to be able to get there and really show up like really be present? You're going to only be performing at that point, and they don't want the performance; they want you to be fully present in that. So, I'd say baby steps, it's okay. It's okay not to have to jump in, guys. It's okay that we don't know exactly what they're doing, even though society's telling us that we're supposed to be these sex machines. None of us have gotten this education. They didn't teach us this. We don't learn this. We don't learn intimacy training in school. We don't learn financial training generally in school. This is stuff we have to learn on our own, right?
Doug Holt 32:47
The two most important topics, or things people argue about the most, are relationships and money, and those are the two things we're never taught. Yep, interesting.
But so, I've dealt with this a lot, as well, as a coach, and there's a lot of ways I apply it. It's different for every guy I work with. One of the things, though, that I would say to guys that I'm trying to think of a broad thing to help all the guys listening is: what are you making it mean, right? So, if you have trepidation about the bedroom or how you're showing up, what are you making it mean about sex, right? Or your performance, is it, "I'm not good enough as a man," is it...?
And when you break it down, the issue is you're being too serious. It all comes down to like, you're making it too serious. And the analogy I'll use, Chris, is I remember when I wanted to do budgeting with Aaron, my wife. The way I started off doing it is I showed up to the dining room table with Excel spreadsheets, charts. "Here's our budget. Here's the money." She could give a shit. It sucked, but we'd end up fighting every time, because I made it a boardroom experience.
Then, when I switched it around bring a bottle of wine, start talking about dreams, like, "Hey, what vacation...?" I'll use the same thing I did, visioning. "What vacation could you go on? Oh man, what would that... that'd probably cost 10 grand. Oh, how could we do that?" All of a sudden, budgeting became fun, right? And I made it fun and light and not serious. Now I can talk about money with my wife, and it's a great experience.
I take that to the bedroom, too. When I make it fun and enjoyable, laugh at myself if I if I come too quickly, I'll go, "Oh man, that's got to suck for you, you got to hurry up." I'll just joke, she'll hit me, and I'm like, "Hey, I'm just kidding. I'll," you know, "let's take care of you." But I make fun and light of it. She has fun. It's the same process of date night, which we talked about in an earlier podcast: the host of the party's having a good time, and they're light and energetic. The other person's more likely to have a good time.
Take that same energy to the bedroom and tell her like, you know, like, "Shit, I'm I'm 49," you know, "shit, I'm four I'm 49. No one ever taught me how to have sex. Where what classes did you take, and when did your mom sit down with you?" Like, didn't happen. You'll get the same reaction that Chris is giving me right now, is laugh. It's like, "Oh my gosh, it's it's hilarious," because for sure that didn't happen. Call out the elephant in the room, make it light. Everybody knows the elephant's in the friggin' room, so be the man to point it out and have fun with it, yeah. And to your point, though, if holding hands is an issue, just take the baby steps, and call those out, too.
Chris 35:24
Yeah, and recognize the stories that aren't serving you. That's what you're saying right there, yeah, yeah.
Doug Holt 35:28
Yeah, and they're all stories.
Chris 35:29
They're all stories.
Doug Holt 35:31
All stories. And if she knows you have trepidation holding her hand, or if you have trepidation holding her hand, she knows it, so you might as well be the leader and call it out and say like, "Hey, babe, I love you. I want to be with you, but right now I think we're at the holding hands stage, you know? And what I want to do is have wild, passionate intimacy in the bedroom, and we'll get there. But let's take the first step and just hold hands."
And you'll get so much admiration, respect out of her, because you're calling out what she knows. You're self-aware, because it's it's not new to her, and I think that's that's critical, and most men miss that. Any parting advice for any of the guys?
Chris 36:16
Yeah, don't be afraid to have the hard conversations, right? That's really what it's about, like the elephant's in the room, like you said. Call it out and have it, because it is liberating when you can talk openly about who you are as a sexual being and allow them to do that, and you will go into deeper levels of intimacy having those conversations.
Doug Holt 36:34
Yeah, and if you're secure as yourself as a man, or you're willing to weather the storm in a conversation like you're willing to weather the storm in business tell her like, "Hey, how's the bedroom for you? I wanted to make it amazing, and I get that it may not be. How is it?" And, dude, just be ready be ready for a harsh reality, or her reality, and just sit in, like we talked about earlier. As you said, the detective I'll say reporter or journalist like, and listen to the information. Get the data, just like you would in business.
In business, I would I'd want to know the hard facts. How are sales? Don't just tell me sales are great when they're shitty, right? I want to know how bad they are so I can take steps to alleviate it. Ask her how the bedroom is for her, like, "Hey, babe, just curious, you know, a scale of one to 10 10 being outstanding, amazing, you know, head-banging sex like you're telling all your friends with a book," you know, "with a megaphone, and one being, 'This is horrible, I don't want to do this' where is it for you right now?"
Chris 37:36
And don't take it personal.
Doug Holt 37:38
No. She goes, "Five." Go, "Okay, what would make it a six, right?" And start there. And again, to your point, she may not know, and that's okay, too, right? If... but make it light and fun, let go of the stories, take the small steps, make the bedroom fun again.
Love this conversation, man. It's so awesome to watch your journey, too, along this realm, because I know where you started and where you've come from, and to see you dive, you know, dive two feet into the pool, and it's awesome to watch.
Chris 38:11
Yeah, thanks, I appreciate it.
Doug Holt 38:12
You got it, gentlemen. As I love to say, in the moment of insight, take massive action, and where else is a better place to take massive action than the intimacy in your bedroom? You want it, and your wife's dying for it. And if you think your wife is different, and maybe she is, but from a guy that's worked with literally thousands upon thousands of men I used to also coach women before this for over a decade I'm telling you right now, guys, she's probably not different, or that different. It's just with you now, or how safe she feels with you around this topic.
Take the smallest step, like Coach Chris says. Take a small step, establish that safety, make the bedroom fun again, make it a place that she starts pulling you into. How cool would that be? And I've seen it happen with hundreds of men that go through our program, right? And it's not because they're doing some magic trick. It's because they found themselves, they become activated men, and their wives desire them. Their wives look at them with love, admiration, respect, and part of that is they want to play, they want to be with their man, they want to be with you. So take that first step, take action now. We'll see you next time on The TPM Show.