Bringing Eroticism Back Into The Bedroom

Episode #310

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Episode Transcript

Tim Matthews  0:00  

Eroticism comes from the savoring of the moment, and you can eat a meal or test the meal. Part of the way you’re going to regain that spark in the bedroom is to become a lot more in tune with one another. So if you were the guy to be able to read the situation a little bit more of where she’s at emotionally and be able to match her a little bit and then guide her too. Go by default for that to happen, and you’ve got to be present.

Doug Holt  0:28  

Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host Doug Holt with my co-host Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews.

You know it’s funny. I want to go back to that first episode where I jokingly called you Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews, and I think I was switching up your name during those times, calling you different things. Some reason Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews stuck fitting to you the man himself as we go here, but I’ve heard some of the guys call you Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews.

Tim Matthews  1:09  

I haven’t heard. I’d like to, but I haven’t. As you’re an avid listener, I expect you to call me those names now, I’m pleased. 

Doug Holt  1:22  

Yeah. Can I call you Tim “The Powerful Man” Matthews in bed?

Tim Matthews  1:25  

What do you think?

Doug Holt  1:27  

Absolutely. I’m sure. 

Tim Matthews  1:29  

Every time 

Doug Holt  1:30  

Yeah. 

Tim Matthews  1:31  

No.

Doug Holt  1:34  

Awesome, brother. Well, hey, man, we had an interesting conversation offline. Now we’re bringing it online. Why don’t you kick it off for us?

Tim Matthews  1:43  

Yeah, the idea of eroticism, right. I’m curious. And what do you think, though, when you hear the word eroticism?

Doug Holt  1:52  

It’s interesting. It’s kind of hard because you and I talked a little bit about this offline. So it’s hard for me not to, but if I will try to go back to before our conversation when I think of eroticism. I think of a steamy, hot, sensual sex scene in the bedroom. That’s what I’m thinking. I’m thinking you might be getting some kinky stuff. Yeah, start starting to get fun.

Tim Matthews  2:16  

Yeah, me too. When I think of eroticism, what comes to mind is like such a down and dirty passion, and it’s rough and ready. It’s fun, but in fact, I want to invite you to let’s ponder this stem, and you guys listen along. Maybe you can do the same. So to give this little context, Amelia and I were on one of the coaching sessions that we had a few weeks ago, in fact, and we’re talking about the twitch sessions that we have, and you know how to take them to the next level and spice them up. And all that stuff, they kind of like a little bit of a “sandbox,” where apparently, sex is off the table. It’s one of those things where you create a condition where sex becomes inevitable. But anyway, the statement was this eroticism comes from the savoring of the moment, you can eat a meal, or you can test the meal. The idea of being here that during the interactions that you have with your partner, part of the way that you’re going to be able to regain that spark in the bedroom is to become a lot more in tune with one another. Refuse the guy to be able to read the situation a little bit more of where she’s at, emotionally, right, and be able to match her a little bit and then guide her too. Go by default for that to happen; you’ve got to be compressing. You’ve got to be that now be thinking about work, feeling your phone vibrate in your pocket, in the back of his car, he has to be there with her, where you guys, the object, ideally, the object of each other’s attention, for the most part, you’ve got to at least create some moments in the day on the week where you’re going to be otherwise the spark in sections is less likely to happen. And in those moments, it’s important to be able to slow down. And this is where the idea of eroticism can come in doesn’t have to be the steamy, passionate, spontaneous sex that I thought of and sounds like you did too. Instead, it can become straightforward. It can be effortless of savoring that moment and just being with it and slowing it down. So we’ll use the idea of the meals. I think that’s such an easy one. Right? I’ve had moments like this in the past, but typically, I will eat a meal. I’ll cook it, eat it, get it down. Whereas I’ve always had times when I’ve sat there with the meal, and I’ve consciously taken them a time to enjoy it versus eating it. And it becomes much more of an experience than it does a task, if you will. What are your thoughts on this, Doug, and as we, I’d love to go back and forth and parlay this into how the guys can take this concept into their relationship to bring back some of that spark in the bedroom?

Doug Holt  5:53  

So I think this is, this is one of the biggest complaints women have around sex and men, right? The whole idea that a man is like a microwave and a woman is like a slow boil. So we look at eroticism what you’re talking about—taking it back to that food analogy. It’s easy when I remember, as a kid, I’d stay with my grandparents in Ohio on a farm, right? I do it for several months, every summer. And it was a lot of fun. So during what I would call lunch, my grandfather would come in the right from the farm to eat lunch, and he would eat so fast, man. I mean, my brothers and I would look in amazement, stare. He would just be chewing so quickly. There was no way to think my grandma was so good. He gets up, goes sit on the recliner, lays down, and takes a nap. Every time and my brothers and I joke about it to this day. I’ve never seen somebody eat so fast in my entire life. Right? And that reminds me of what we’re talking about. Many guys joke about being a two-pump guy, or I need two minutes, man, and I’ll be back in a minute. It’s a joke. When you’re younger, you never want to joke about it. But you get older. It’s kind of like, you joke. It just becomes a joke. But there’s the truth behind those jokes. We talked about the food, and you go to a fine dining restaurant, my grandfather didn’t eat fast. Right? He took his time; honestly, we never went to fine dining restaurants. But we went out to eat on the rare occasion on the farm. He would eat slowly and savor like you’re talking about it. He knows where the meat came from, and there’d be a conversation around it. And the food became interesting with him because being a farmer, also knowing where a lot of the food may or may not come from, and things like that are going on, and he would share that the food and the food became the topic of conversation became the thing that was there. I remember that as a kid being delightful, right? Very different, right? You’re the real quick, eating as fast as possible, shoveling it down, and taking a nap in the recliner. Or going out and learning about the food and the environment. I learned a lot about the true aspects of farming and where it came from. Again, this is a long time ago, for me 30 years ago, but bring it back to sex in the bedroom. I think many of us guys have been conditioned or taught or fallen into being like my grandfather at that table eating as fast as you can, right? They’re going to get theirs. And they don’t necessarily like to, but they go right into it. Right? Maybe they go down on their wife for 30 seconds or so. Or the obligatory it’s minute or time. Either way, if they’re timing it, you’re doing it wrong, guys, they’re going down, and then they’re going to start to have sex, they finish she doesn’t, and they move on. There’s nothing fun about that for your wife, guys. Nothing about it. But that’s it. 

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Tim Matthews  9:42  

Yeah, it makes them not want to have it. Right. Yeah. I was then going back to the whole slow cooker idea as well. Now you’ve heard it said it before. But you know, for Amelia, she made the joke that hey, if you want to have sex with me on a Saturday, it starts on Monday. It’s those little touchpoints, and if I’ve been like a whirlwind out, I’ve rushed out of here in the office and rushed downstairs there in the evening. I’ve not shifted my energy or spirit and been intentional about “Okay, I’m going to walk in there and read where she’s at and understand a little bit more about how I want to behave in that situation,” introducing a little bit of eroticism into it. Like last night, for example, she walked up to me as I walked into the living area, and she kind of slouched and said that she was tired, and I just held her through the eyes and just gave her a little bit of a kiss and just listened. But I slowed it down, and it was introducing eroticism into the tiny little moment. I didn’t try to solve the problem; I didn’t take her away from it and, you know, how that space if you will. And that’s the thing where it’s, and that’s you know, part honestly, for me, we’ve spoken a podcast episode a couple of episodes ago about the domino that the Keystone habit is right. The Keystone habit helps eroticism become a lot easier because no fingers all the time. All I think of the outcome of eroticism, which is sex. And I don’t always necessarily think about it. Let’s make an effort. So the way that it’s made it a lot easier for me is the alpha decompression. When I do my decompression at the end of the workday, just 10 minutes, I shift into almost putting on a different hat. Right. But when I don’t do the decompression, I go intimate with Amelia, and all that consciously know what I should be doing. The way I deliver that my energy is a mismatch. I don’t want to hold space from many loads spoken about collecting berries, but maybe I’m frowning a little bit because I think about work. “Oh, what else? Mm-hmm.” Can she feel it right? So yeah, the decompression is a huge one for this.

Doug Holt  12:21  

Yeah, I think when we look at this as bringing the topic bringing eroticism back in the bedroom, as Amelia says, if you want to have sex on Saturday, it starts on Monday. The key for you right is starting on Monday. Because starting it for Tuesday for Sunday, starting Wednesday, for next Monday, right? in that consistency. But it’s also a frame of reference, guys, like, how do you get there? I think what happens with a lot of guys is they shut themselves down mentally. They forward think at least I’ve done this in the past Tim, we start thinking okay, cool, I’m going to get some, you know, going to get freaky tonight, or whatever it is, maybe it’s Monday, you’re thinking about Sunday or Saturday, whatever, then you start to play out this role in your head. And it becomes almost like a job, “Okay, I gotta do this,” “I gotta do this,” “do this,” “got to do this.” Screw that, and I’m just going to watch the football game. This is a lot of work at this point, and that’s the frame of reference of work. I’ve found myself in the situation where, you know, you have this idea that you’re going to be super Roddick, maybe we can do massage, maybe you can do dooming. If you guys don’t know what coming is, look it up. It’s worthwhile. Right? You’re going to do all these things in the bedroom, and they’re going to bring eroticism to the bedroom. And then you start to make it a task. You start to make it a work thing. I need to do this. And when I’ve done that, maybe I’m the only guy in the world who has done this. I start to look at it mentally. And I start to get almost exhausted. Way before it even happens. Like oh, this sounds like work. I don’t want to do this. Forget it. And then you don’t take action.

Tim Matthews  14:05  

Right? I have to stay as an experience. Like your grandfather, him enjoying the meal in the restaurant. That’s not a task. That’s an experience. Exactly. It’s something he does not want to end, not something he wants to check off—big difference.

Doug Holt  14:24  

Well, that’s exactly what it is. And I think like guys, we get into getting shit done mode, right? We call GSD all the time in The Powerful Man. We get in GSD. And then we’re like, Okay, this is what I need to do. To get the outcome I desire. I need to make this list of things. I’m just tired; rather than go, I’m just going to enjoy the sensual femininity of my wife’s body. And whatever happens, happens. Let’s enjoy it and have fun at the moment. And here’s the secret, guys. My wife, obviously coaches, other women, so I hear about it from her all the time. If you do not perform well in bed, in other words, you can’t hold; you come too quickly. But if you’re having fun and you’re sensual, and you’re just in the moment you’re present with your wife, she’s not going to care as much. Right? She’ll care a little bit, but it’s the fun, the fact that you’re there enjoying an experience together, two souls merging and all that stuff, right. You could say romantic, and I am two souls merging in the bedroom, but enjoying that playtime together. That’s all it matters. The rest of it will come naturally. Use guy does it more often, and then premature ejaculation will go away. There’s a ton of exercises, and we did a whole course on a six-week course on sexual mastery for the guys in The Brotherhood in the inner circle. So those guys, you guys that are newer into that program, go and check that out. But the rest of you guys, have fun. When I got rid of the checklist in my head, I read the books, took the courses, everything from two girls teaches sex down to every course you could think of about sexual mastery and things like that. And for some of these, they become a checklist. I had so many tools in my toolbox. Okay, to get to that outcome. Doug, you need you to get to do this. You push these buttons, and all this, that it became overwhelming became work, and I’d be like, forget about it. Forget about it. I’m going to watch the football game. Alright, I’ll still get laid. But eroticism? deep fun sex? not now, Not today. I’ve had a long day. When you get rid of that story, that feeling that you have fun, that is where eroticism happens for me, and that’s where it gets. That’s where the fun stuff starts happening.

Tim Matthews  17:02  

Yeah, the shot fills you up.

Doug Holt  17:05  

It does, it does. So, gentlemen, we’re going to invite you guys to add some eroticism back into your life into where you are with your wife and your partner. And the first thing to do here, right, is started by having fun. A lot of us guys have forgotten what fun is. That’s just having fun in the bedroom. Take Charge. Have fun, and be there and explore her body like a wonderland, so to speak, and get there and go through it. And then enjoy yourself. You don’t have to have roses, rose petals in the beds. You don’t have to have to massage oils out or anything else. You don’t have to have the swing, the straps, the tie-downs, all that stuff’s fun. Right? But that’s not what you need. It would help if you had his presence, being present with your partner and enjoying yourself, and not having an outcome at all. No outcome. Just have fun.

Tim Matthews  18:01  

Yeah, well, said a little bit.

Doug Holt  18:04  

Well, guys, as always, we want you to take some action, especially with this one, right? Take action, have some fun…worst-case scenario is you have some fun sex, right? That’s not a bad, bad worst-case scenario. And as always, gentlemen, we invite you to leave a review; Tim and I would both Thank you. All the guys in the movement would thank you if you could take a moment to leave a review. That’s how other people find us. And it helps us out as well to help other men out there. Have some fun in the bedroom, amongst other things. Alright, guys, that’s a wrap for us, The Powerful Man show. We’ll see you next time. Have an amazing week.