Episode #705
Do you have people in your life who tell you the unfiltered truth, even when it’s uncomfortable?
Are you part of a community that encourages you to step outside your comfort zone for personal and professional growth?
Growth often stems from discomfort. Embrace the truth, even if it highlights your mistakes, as it serves as a catalyst for learning and improvement.
Honest feedback serves as a mirror. Use this feedback as a tool for introspection and self-awareness.
In this episode, Tim and Doug discuss the significance of surrounding yourself with genuine supporters who push you toward your highest potential.
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TRANSCRIPTION
Tim Matthews 00:40
Hello, everybody, and welcome to another episode of the Powerful Man Show. I’m your host, Tim Matthews, with my co-host, Master Doug Holt.
Doug Holt 00:53
Awesome, brother. How you doing, man?
Tim Matthews 00:55
I’m doing well. I’m doing well. I love having you back purposely. I don’t think I’ve sent you too many voices and too many messages while you’ve been off. I think I may have sent you one in slack, maybe two. I’ve purposely left you – [Crosstalk]
Doug Holt 01:10
Certainly a lot more than that.
Tim Matthews 01:12
No. I could have sent you a hell of a lot.
Doug Holt 01:14
You mean today?
Tim Matthews 01:17
Yeah. So, yeah. It’s great to have you back. I missed you. I love that you’re back. I love that you got to spend time with Erin and the kids as well. I love that you took time to be with Erin and the kids, as you should, and no doubt they would have loved it as yeah. Anyway, this came up on the IC call yesterday, so I wanted to share it with you.
So one of the amazing men on the IC call so two questions we ask the guys every week. One of them is, what’s the one thing that is going to move the needle the most for you in the next seven days? And the other one is, what are you going to do in the next seven days to get uncomfortable? And the idea of that is for the men to continue to lean to their edge.
Now, if you’re listening to this and it resonates, then I encourage you to potentially play with those questions for yourself each week. Ask yourself that question maybe every Sunday. What’s the one thing that will move the needle the most in the next seven days? What’s the one thing you can do to get uncomfortable in the next seven days?
Anyway, the guys have said that those two questions have really helped them to get a lot of progress. At the same time, the past two weeks, one of the wonderful men on these calls, he has been giving me the same response. He identifies his one thing that will move the needle, and then he says, oh, well, I don’t know about the thing that will get me uncomfortable.
Let me think about that. I’ll get back to you so he tried doing that yesterday on the call, and I said, no, no, no, that won’t work. You’ve now said that two weeks in a row. You know that these questions are going to come up, and at the same time, your energy this week and last week is low. You’re off track with your fitness targets. You’re off track with a couple of other things. I’m not going to allow you to be on this call and sell yourself short by trying to excuse yourself out of something that you have said for the past six months has really supported you in been able to level up. So what is it going to be? Let’s get it nailed down here and now.
Anyway, after a little bit of a deliberation, he came up with something. His energy shifted, and he’s going to take some action. He messaged us after the call, just thanking us, basically because he said he needed that. He termed it, I needed that kick up the ass. And the thing about this, it got me thinking about the importance of having people in your life that are going to tell you the truth. It would have been very easy in that moment to just let by his bullshit, really, and say, okay, we’ll come back to you. You let me know what it is.
However, I wasn’t willing to let that guy in that moment settle for less than he deserves because he’s an amazing man. He’s a very intelligent man, so he knows the answer to this question. He’s just choosing to sit back a little bit too much and know he’s capable of more. And we often hear it from a lot of the guys in the movement.
They don’t have anyone in their life that is willing to tell them the truth, that is willing to say the uncomfortable thing to them, because in business, they’re the leader. They’ve got people around them that sometimes just tell them what they want them to hear in the community they’re looked up to, in the family, they’re the leader. The wife may have been telling them the truth, but they just may not have been listening or been willing to hear it. But it’s so key.
So I wanted to throw that topic on the table, get your experience with it, Dougie Fresh, and leave the listeners, if it’s resonating with them, with some action steps that they can go ahead and use moving forwards.
Doug Holt 05:02
Yeah. So, first of all, I think this conversation is relevant to me because this morning while I was sitting in Asana, I left you a message and you had sent me something previously, and I said, hey, look, I want clarity around this. You’ve brought this up a couple of times and I want you to be honest with me and you’re not going to hurt my feelings and et cetera, et cetera.
And I think what’s really interesting here, Tim, is how rare that’s just rare air right so to speak. It’s rare to find yourself in a situation where you have men around you who are going to tell you like it is. And most of us, we don’t want people to give us half truths, right? We’re business leaders. We want it straight. Give it to me straight. That’s what almost every business guy is going to tell you, shoot it to me straight, tell me how it is, et cetera, et cetera.
However, very few people do that. Very few people get that. Why? Well, if I tell you the truth, Tim Matthews or the listener I am now at risk of you not liking me, right? Which sounds weird, but when you go back to more brain behavior or brain chemistry, I can get kicked out of the tribe or what have you.
So we’re back in the savannah, back in the day, and all of a sudden I’m telling everybody the truth and people don’t like me. There’s a chance I get kicked out of the tribe and now I’m left alone know the Tigers and the lions and everything else trying to eat me with none of my boys have my back. So now I got to be nice to everybody and play nice.
Now, there’s a difference here. We’re talking about being honest with people versus being nice or mean, right? You can be honest and still do it from a loving perspective. And that’s where I think a lot of men miss, right? Men want it shot to them straight. However, they don’t give it back reciprocally because they’re scared the other person’s going to find them being too aggressive, not liking their tone, too harsh, and therefore they’re going to get ostracized. So it’s easier just to be the nice guy. And a lot of men fall into that. And coincidentally, Tim, that also is a reason a lot of men have problems in their relationships.
Tim Matthews 07:11
Big time. It’s why a lot of them have problems with the staff. It’s why a lot of them have problems in their relationship, every single relationship. They can often avoid being honest. And I think what you said was so spot on, right? Doing it in a loving way, for me, as you know, it frustrates the h*** out of me when people are just not honest with me. I can handle it. I may agree, I may disagree, but as long as I know it’s coming from the right place within you and you’ve been from to your point, it’s coming from a loving place and it’s not coming from either a mean stance or just an unhealthy place.
Let’s just call it that. I won’t tolerate it coming from an unhealthy place and I typically won’t be open to it, but I value it so, so much. It’s such a requirement for me. But, yeah, it makes me think of some of the guys in the IC that have been having struggles definitely not so much in the marriage, but more so with their staff, and it’s because of them avoiding doing this particular thing, and it’s caused some major issues.
Doug Holt 08:22
Yeah, it does. And the thing I think that makes well, let’s go back to it. Let’s look at the business standpoint, right? So you run the day to day of the powerful man movement as the acting CEO, and one of the things that you tell me almost on a weekly basis is how people on the team love when you’re giving them firm accountability.
People like that, they want to be held accountable, because if we set a goal as an individual, that’s something we want to achieve, and we know we want to achieve it. And so being accountable and having someone really hold a mirror up to you is a great way of getting there. We all want to be better.
The people that work within the Powerful Man, I think there’s 27 people currently thereabouts. Those individuals want to be held accountable. They want to be held to a higher level, and that’s being honest. That’s giving honest and direct feedback. If you beat around the bush, you’re not helping anybody. You’re not helping them get better. You’re not helping them become a better person, a better human. Right? Really, what you’re doing is you’re almost being complicit in their averageness, which is a new word, but you’re being complicit in them not achieving their greatness.
That’s not love, right? Really? That’s selfishness, because love is telling somebody exactly like it is being honest with them. Now, when you take it back to the staff level, your staff, guys, listeners, they want to grow. If you look at all the stats, when they look at why do people stay within a company or why do they leave, it’s not money. It’s lack of growth opportunities. Or they’ll stay because of growth opportunities.
Now, sure, they want to make more money. We all do. But they also want to grow. And if you can’t provide the straight talk the truth to them, they can’t grow. You’re preventing them the opportunity for this growth. And we look at this gentleman that you’re talking about, the IC, which, by the way, is the inner circle. It’s a high level, one year mastermind we run. Those guys are definitely looking for someone to shoot it to them straight.
And here’s something you didn’t say, but something I like even better personally, is they’re also surrounded by another group of men besides just the coach, which is myself, you, and Arthur. Besides their coaches, the other guys are also shooting it to them straight, too, and they’ve got no skin in the game other than, hey, look, you call me out, and I’ll call you out. That way, we all move together. That way, the rising tide lifts all boats, and it’s so rare for men to have that.
Some guys will have it. Maybe in a business situation, peripherally, or maybe with an old buddy, maybe one kind of those remember when buddies. But guys just don’t have that right now, where you have a group of men who are going to call you out, call you out in your shit We all have it. We all have shit We all make excuses. I do. You do. Everybody does. But when you have a bunch of men holding you to a higher standard, sky’s the limit.
Tim Matthews 11:16
Big time. Big time. And again, especially when you know when it’s coming from the right place. Right? Because there’s certain groups out there where it’ll come from wanting to pull the other guy down and ego and [inaudible 0:11:26] for positioning and all that stuff. I love how there’s none of that with these guys. They just, like you said, want to see one another rise. They see the greatness in one another, and they refuse to let one another settle for anything less than they know they’re capable of getting.
Doug Holt 11:44
Well. Yeah. Let’s look at you and I, right? So between you and I and our relationship, we’ll use that as an example. I get mad when you don’t do what you say you’re going to do because I want to celebrate you. So I look at it from that perspective. You’re robbing me of the opportunity of celebrating your wins. And when I take that paradigm, all I’m coming at that is a place of love for you and wanting you to be better. Right?
So if I take the paradigm of that, you’re taking away my opportunity to celebrate you, then it becomes a competition for me of you getting better and who wins there? You do. Right? And that’s where it comes from. And that’s what you want. You and I have we’ve talked about this, so you’ve permitted me to do that in our relationship. And so that’s a unique thing that you don’t find out there. Right?
I’m being competitive at making sure that you reach your goals and dreams. Right? And so when you have a group of men, you look at the inner circle. Now you got ten, more than ten, if you count the coach’s men being competitive at making you better. So you hit your goals and dreams. The odds of hitting those goals and dreams are pretty friggin high. Right? And they’re doing it from a place of love of you. Right. That’s a nurturing energy. We’re guys. So, yeah. It can get a little aggressive at times.
There can be some trash talking, but there’s more celebrating than trash talking or aggressiveness. There’s more banter and having fun. There’s more empathy when guys are going through hard times than not. So you have those emotional deposits the other way. Right? There’s emotional deposits in that bank account. So when you do a withdraw, which can be a harsh criticism, you’ve got enough at stake that the person realizes that you’re doing it for their best interest.
Tim Matthews 13:29
Yeah. The more we talk about this, the more I think about instances in my life where I would never have grown had it not been for the feedback of somebody else, because I and we cannot see our own blind spots. We just can’t. And that’s why, for me, I value people being honest with me so much because I want to grow, I want to learn, especially if it’s somebody that I respect. Even if it’s somebody I don’t respect, I’ll still be open to what they say, and I’ll see if I find any truth in it.
But regardless, I’m just so eager to be able to grow and be better, and I’m very aware that I just cannot see my own blind spots. And it’s a very dangerous place to be when we think we don’t have any or we are too insecure to take the feedback, because that can sometimes be the reason why some guys avoid it. Right? They don’t feel strong enough to take it, or there might be some truth in it that they can’t handle, whatever it may be. Right? But I think without this, you’re never going to get to the levels that you know you could perform at.
Doug Holt 14:33
Yeah. It’s impossible, right? You can’t see your own blind spots. I remember, I mean, I’ve been coaching how old am I? I’ve been coaching almost three decades now in one form or another, so almost 30 years. And I remember my 20s a man that, you know, Tim ten years older than me, telling me, Man, I would never because he was dumbfounded by the fact that I was so successful in coaching at a young age. Right? This is before coaching was a big deal like it is now.
I used to call it advising. I didn’t call it coaching, but I was an advisor to business leaders at a very relatively young age. And he didn’t get he’s like, I would never, ever ask questions of somebody younger than me or what have you, and he had his reasons. And I said, look, you know what? The job of a great coach isn’t to have the answers. It’s to ask the questions and then hold a mirror up, because you already have the answers within you.
And that’s the same thing here, right? When you’re holding someone accountable, they can’t see. Like, guys, we can’t see our own blind spots. I can’t see my blind spots, or if I see them, there’s part of me that’s hiding it from myself. Right? We all kind of know the answers, but maybe we’re not doing the things we need to do.
And so when you have men around you that are going like, hey, I can see your blind spots, and here they are. And sometimes, like you said, this guy I know who you’re talking about, was like, thanks for that boot up the butt. I needed that. Sometimes we do. Sometimes we need a hug. Every time is different. But what we need is the honest answer. That way we need to know that we can rely that we’re going to get the honest answer each and every time. I was just off a coaching call recently with one of my 101 clients who I’m working, been working with, and something he and I talked about is in his relationship, he’s getting half truths and it’s driving him nuts, as it should.
He’s like Doug, whether it’s an employee or anybody else, I just want them to shoot it to me straight. I said, yeah, you know why? The reason is because you’re worried that you’re going to get hoodwinked otherwise. And you can’t trust what the person’s going to say until you can trust that each and every time, they’re going to be honest with you. Once you know that, they’re always going to be honest with you. Now, you can have a relationship of built on trust.
That’s when you can start being the harsh critic, so to speak, and give them an answer, because now they know, hey, look, I can trust that at least you’re being honest from your point of view. Doesn’t mean I have to take it on what they’re saying, but I know that I trust that they’re going to be honest with me. They’re telling me the whole story here, not just part of the story or what they think I want to hear. They’re telling me what’s true for them, right?
And that’s so rare to have in this time, in this day and age, Tim, especially amongst men, because guys can be violent. Guys can do all these things. Guys can ostracize each other, they can be jerks. There’s all kinds of things that can happen and sometimes, hey, it’s better just to keep my mouth shut, right? You hear that all the time. But when it comes to people you care about, or people that you’re in a high level group, like the Powerful Man, that’s not time to keep your mouth shut. That’s time to help each other out so you can celebrate their wins.
Tim Matthews 17:42
So give the listeners one action step coming out of this.
Doug Holt 17:48
This was your topic.
Tim Matthews 17:49
I’ve got one.
Doug Holt 17:52
I love how you throw it in for me. One action step. First of all, guys, take inventory. Take inventory about the men you’re spending time with right now. Do you trust that they are going to shoot it to you straight each and every time? Yes or no? You know you know the answer, and so I can’t just do one.
Tim, the second thing is, are you the guy that shoots it straight? And when I say, don’t be a jerk, know your opportunity, know the place to do, right? Know the place, but tell people the way it is in a loving manner from a place of love. And also realize who you’re talking to, what their moment is. If someone’s mother passes away. Their mom wasn’t a good person. You don’t just say, well, jeez, well, at least she was horrible. Who cares? Do it from a loving, compassionate place, guys. But be honest and be direct.
And if you find you’re not surrounding by around men at least five that you don’t have, then find them. They’re there. We have thousands of men in the movement we call a powerful man. Who are those guys? Business leaders who will shoot it to you straight. So those men are out there, right? We have a community of them. And if you haven’t found them, come join us.
Tim Matthews 19:04
Beautiful!
Doug Holt 19:05
We have a few rules. You can’t be a jerk, got to be a businessman and you got to want everybody else to win. You have to be competitive about lifting the people around you up, not stepping on people to get up, but lifting people up. And when everybody around you is competitive about lifting the other man up next to them, guess what? You’re going to have 1000 men pulling you up as well. And that, my friend, is the place to be.
Tim Matthews 19:30
Wow. Amazing. I’m going to share my one because I just need to however it pales in comparison to that amazing statement. So this is something that I actually haven’t done for a while and I think I’m going to do this myself. So going to people, whoever it may be, pick five people. Pick these people carefully. Do your best to pick people who you believe actually know you and ask them, hey, what’s your experience of me?
You could choose whether that’s over the past month, the past quarter, this year, whatever, you don’t even need to put a time frame on it if you don’t want. It does kind of help to narrow it down a little bit, but ask the question, what is your experience of me? I found this to work a bit better asking it via text because it doesn’t catch people out, gives them time to think.
If you just kind of call them up and Face Time them and ask them a deep question like that, it may catch them off guard. It may not go well. But ask that question and ask for them to be honest. And if they’re a bit curious and confused, just say, hey, look, I’m looking for some honest feedback from people I respect so I can get better and grow. So what’s your experience with me? I just love for you to shoot you straight and just see what they say. Sometimes people just need a little bit of permission.
Doug Holt 20:48
People you respect. That’s why I never get those text messages from you.
Tim Matthews 20:52
You got one a few years ago. Again, Dougie Fresh, great to be here with you as always. I’ve missed it, guys. As Dougie Fresh always says, at the moment of insight, take massive action. See you next time on The Powerful Man Show!
Doug Holt 21:10
All right, guys, that’s a wrap for this episode. But as I always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. You see, there are two types of men that listen to a podcast like this, those that go on from one podcast or show to another just hoping things are going to change and realizing that they’re going to be in the same place month after month, year after year.
You see, I was this guy so I completely get it. You may just not be ready. But there’s also a second man, a second man that listens to a show just like this. And this is a guy who takes massive action so they can shorten the learning curve, compress time, and get RESULTS to be the WOLF. See, WOLF is an acronym for Wise, Open, Loving, and Fierce.
Now ask yourself, which one am I? And just be honest with yourself there. And there’s no judgment on my end. But if you’re ready to move from deactivated DEER mode, which is Defend, Excuse, Explain, and React to activated WOLF, Wise, Open, Loving and Fierce, then go over to thepowerfulman.com/grow. And go there now. In fact, I’ll make it super easy for you. I will even put the link right in the description here so you can just click it and go over there now to learn more. Guys, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Go from deactivated to activated, because like I said, life is too short for average and I’ll see you on the next episode!
