Crucial Conversations on Self-Care and Partnership Dynamics

Episode #1193

Many married businessmen operate under the belief that working long hours and sacrificing their personal well-being for their families automatically earns them unspoken rewards at home. When a husband returns home from a grueling workday, he often holds an unstated expectation that his wife should handle the household, manage the children, and attend to his needs as compensation for his hard work. When those unspoken expectations go unmet, silent frustration begins to accumulate. Over time, this unexpressed resentment builds emotional distance, leaving a man feeling unappreciated while his wife feels managed rather than partnered with.

In this conversation, Doug Holt sits down with Christopher Hansen to address a common question from the TPM community: At what point does a man's pursuit of self-care cross the line into the potential abandonment of his partner in a time of need? The discussion highlights two destructive behavioral traps that high-performing men frequently fall into. First, men rely on covert contracts, which are unspoken mental agreements where a husband expects specific affection or service in exchange for providing for the family. Second, men play the martyr, taking on every household burden until they experience burnout, only to react by swinging the pendulum to the opposite extreme and checking out entirely.

The episode outlines actionable principles for maintaining personal vitality while upholding marriage commitments:

• Eliminating Covert Contracts: Replacing silent expectations with clear, open communication regarding schedules, household responsibilities, and personal downtime.
• Checking In Before Checking Out: Communicating schedule changes and personal activities in advance so your spouse feels prioritized rather than left carrying the household alone.
• Avoiding the Martyrdom Trap: Recognizing that over-sacrificing without boundaries leads to physical exhaustion, emotional resentment, and dynamic breakdown.
• Establishing Accountability Systems: Using morning routines and trusted brotherhood peer groups to stay grounded without forcing a wife to act as a manager.

Rebalancing self-care and marriage requirements relies on intentional collaboration rather than unilateral decisions. By establishing daily structure through The Routine Cycle and engaging in proactive conversations to navigate unmet expectations, men can recharge their personal energy, eliminate covert contracts, and maintain a thriving, connected partnership.

If your marriage is struggling with communication breakdowns, distance, or a loss of trust, claim your copy of Doug Holt's book, A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It, to start taking massive action today. You can also discover how to assess your relationship dynamics and learn our step-by-step methodology by watching the free video training at The Powerful Man Scales.

Timestamp Chapters

00:00 - Introduction: Addressing Self-Care and Partnership Dynamics
01:20 - The TPM Ranch and The Alpha Reset Immersion Experience
02:03 - The Core Question: When Does Self-Care Become Abandonment?
03:10 - Understanding Covert Contracts and Unspoken Expectations
05:35 - Resentment, Unmet Expectations, and Mud on the Glass
06:27 - The Martyrdom Trap: Over-Sacrificing Until Burnout Hits
08:04 - The Pendulum Swing: Unilateral Checking Out vs. Communication
09:12 - Checking In vs. Asking Permission: Setting Clear Expectations
11:00 - Why Wives Feel Overwhelmed and The "Extra Child" Dynamic
12:14 - Christopher's Personal Struggle with Burnout and Self-Sacrifice
12:48 - Doug Holt Mid-Roll: A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage
14:17 - Putting Up Bumpers: Morning Routines and Scheduled Downtime
17:00 - Setting Expectations in Advance to Avoid Household Resentment
19:22 - Finding What Reinvigorates You Beyond Work
22:30 - Collaborative Communication: Having the Hard Questions with Your Wife
24:40 - Partnering Without Forcing Her to Manage You
25:35 - The Power of Brotherhood Accountability Groups
26:40 - Closing Remarks and Taking Massive Action 

RELATED EPISODES

•  Overcoming Guilt: Empowering Men to Prioritize Self-Care and Personal Fulfillment 
•  Swinging the Pendulum Too Far When Fixing “Nice Guy Mode” 
•  Work-Life Balance for the Married Businessman 
•  The Difference Between Boundaries and Agreements 

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a covert contract in a marriage?
A covert contract is an unstated, mental agreement where a husband expects his wife to respond with specific behaviors, affection, or service because he fulfilled his own self-imposed obligations. Because these expectations are never explicitly discussed or agreed upon, they inevitably lead to disappointment and resentment when unmet.

How can a husband take time for self-care without making his wife feel abandoned?
A husband can prevent feelings of abandonment by checking in with his wife before scheduling personal downtime. Communicating plans in advance, understanding the impact his absence has on household logistics, and ensuring her needs are also supported transforms self-care from a selfish withdrawal into a collaborative agreement.

Why does over-sacrificing for your family often backfire?
Over-sacrificing forces a man into a martyr role where he carries excessive burdens until he experiences physical or emotional burnout. When burnout strikes, he often resents his family for not stepping in to care for him, even though he trained them to rely on him entirely. This leads to abrupt emotional checking out.

How can a husband avoid putting his wife in a position where she feels like she has to manage him?
A husband can avoid being managed by building personal accountability systems outside his marriage. Implementing a structured morning routine, scheduling personal time on the family calendar independently, and relying on a peer group of trusted men keeps him accountable without adding to his wife's mental load.

Transcription

Doug Holt 0:00

Thousands of men being released from the burdens and being unplugged.

Christopher Hansen 0:04

I'm being the martyr. I'm self-sacrificing.

Doug Holt 0:07

You will let yourself down. You will lie to yourself, but you won't do the same to another man.

Christopher Hansen 0:12

And I communicate with my wife. I stay in connection with my wife.

Doug Holt 0:16

And then when they come home, they believe they deserve something in return.

Christopher Hansen 0:21

Like, "Oh, I love doing this." I walked away from that interaction—

Doug Holt 0:25

I take care of everybody, but now that I need somebody, no one's here to help me.

Hey guys, welcome back to the TPM Podcast. And today we are joined once again by one of our favorite guests, Christopher Hansen. Chris has been fielding the most common or frequently asked questions from the community to come here. And so this way, this is our opportunity of getting your questions answered, giving you a little bit more guidance and insight.

So stay tuned for some really good episodes here. Chris, thanks for coming, man.

Christopher Hansen 1:03

Thanks for having me, Doug.

Doug Holt 1:04

I love having you at the TPM Ranch. Every time I come here, I was walking by the main house where we do our Alpha Reset, which, for the guys that aren't aware, is our four-day intensive experience, completely immersion-based.

It's just cool looking at all the pictures and images of past events and things. You've been through AR. You volunteered at AR. Every time I see those, it brings back this nostalgia of thousands of men being released from the burdens and being unplugged.

Christopher Hansen 1:37

Oh yeah. The connections made here, memories. It's pretty unbelievable.

Doug Holt 1:44

It is. I think a lot of people don't realize we have a 106-acre facility where we've been running events, and we've been around for a decade now. We don't do a good enough job letting people know that.

Christopher Hansen 1:56

For sure.

Doug Holt 1:57

Well, I know you've been harvesting the community for us and listening to what guys are asking and talking about. Let's go.

Christopher Hansen 2:03

The question that's come up a lot recently is around self-care. The specific question that came up was, at what point does self-care as a man dip into potential abandonment of our partner in a time of need?

Doug Holt 2:24

This is really a common question, and it doesn't often come across as self-care. There's two things that tend to happen. Let me just set some of the scenario here.

One thing that tends to happen is men can feel deserving, like, "Hey, I went to war. I went to work." We, as men, use a lot of war analogies for work, like, "I'm going to battle. I crushed this." Going to war and sacrificing, in their terms, for their family, and when they come home, they believe they deserve something in return.

That's a little bit of horse trading, or what we talk about are covert contracts that are never discussed.

A covert contract, and I know you're well aware of this, but for the listeners, is where I make an agreement or a contract with somebody, but it's never been stated or agreed upon. I've just done it in my head.

A common one would be, my wife doesn't work, really. I mean, she coaches women, but she's taking this whole entire summer off from coaching. She's got a few one-on-one clients, but she's not doing any groups right now or things like that.

I could have a covert contract that says, "Hey, I went to work from eight to five or eight to six, whatever it is, and when I get home, I turn off, and your responsibility is to take care of me, get dinner ready, maybe be intimate, have sex with me, whatever it is, because I'm such a great guy and I've done all of this to provide and protect our family."

But if I never talk to my wife about that, she has no idea that I'm thinking this.

What that sets up is a couple of things, Chris. One, I walk through the door with this energy and expectation of my wife taking care of my needs, taking care of me, taking care of the kids, the house, cooking dinner, but I've never expressed it.

Yesterday we did a huge lake day up at Three Creeks, which you've been to. It was awesome. Tons of trout, by the way. I mean, hundreds of trout.

Christopher Hansen

Okay.

Doug Holt

I'll tell you where they are.

We got home at like 6:00, 6:30 at night or something like that, and Erin, my wife, says, "Oh, I'm thinking about doing chicken wings, but it's gonna take like an hour or so to cook."

I go, "That's just too late. I don't want to eat that late. Let's just do a make-your-own-type dinner," going through.

If I had the expectation that dinner should be ready, which is what she thought, that can provide a lot of things. It can provide resentment. "Oh, here I am sacrificing everything. I packed everything for the family, the canoe, the kayaks, the stand-up paddleboards, and all of this stuff, and my needs aren't being met."

That creates resentment, and that resentment creates distance. That distance from unmet expectations that are harbored comes over time again and again and builds more mud on the glasses, we say at TPM, and you can't see each other as much.

She can feel the energy. He may not know why he's upset, but he is, and he feels like, "Ah, I gotta take care of the kids and make dinner too. I do everything around here." I jokingly used to say that, but I was jokingly going through that.

Now my wife and I have an agreement. We have certain roles that we've agreed to because we've butted up against this big time, and these covert contracts come.

I share all that because what can happen as a man starts to go on this journey, starts to discover himself, as a lot of our men do, as I have done, as you have done—we've talked about this—is we'll put ourselves last.

The typical scene like that looks like these happen in parallel often.

Doug Holt 6:27

That scene looks like a covert contract again, or self-talk of, "You know what? I'll take care of it. I'll take care of changing the oil on the truck. Oh yeah, not a problem. What's broken? I'll take care of it. Just don't worry about it. I got it. What? Oh, you're stressed out? I'll take care of the kids and put them to bed tonight. You just go relax."

We do this. The idea is, "Put the weight on my shoulders. I can carry the burden." And the men that we work with can, until they can't.

Doug Holt 6:59

Then the guy gets sick, breaks down, too much going on, gets burnt out. These are the common things that might happen. Or maybe intimacy and sex have a longer period between times, and he starts to think, "What the hell am I doing this for?"

Then when he breaks down, he looks around and kind of has this internal conversation that goes something like, "Hey, where is everybody for me? I take care of everybody, but now that I need somebody, no one's here to help me."

He doesn't realize he's trained them that way. One. Two, that creates an intense resentment, and that's how a lot of fights can break out.

What the men will do is they'll swing the pendulum so far the other way because, "Well, screw everybody. I'm going to do my thing. I realize I need 'self-care.'" Next thing you know, that guy is taking two-week golf trips. He's doing a weekly massage. He's going, he's doing yoga. He checks himself out because he feels he deserves it, again, without communicating it.

Christopher Hansen 8:04

For sure. Even at the beginning of what you were saying there, there is a mechanism of disconnection right from the beginning.

Doug Holt 8:14

Yep.

Christopher Hansen 8:15

There is a lack of communication. There is a level of expectation that his partner's not even a part of. She feels it. She feels that expectation. She feels that heaviness, but she's not part of whatever's going on with him in that.

Just that, I mean, that's that initial mud on the glass that comes in. I'm not actually communicating where I'm at. I'm being the martyr. I'm self-sacrificing. In that, it immediately creates that disconnection.

Doug Holt 8:54

One hundred percent.

As an example, there's a difference between a guy who just goes, "Screw it. It's Wednesday. I own my own company. I'm gonna go golfing," versus a guy who goes, "Hey babe, I'm thinking about going golfing this Wednesday. What's your schedule look like?" And just checks in.

It's not asking for permission, per se, but it's checking in with somebody and saying, "Hey, I know my choices affect you and the family, so let's get on the same page."

That's one of my biggest complaints in relationships. I just want to know what's going on so I can set my expectations properly.

My wife would say I have immense amounts of freedom, and I do. I travel a lot for what we do, helping men around the world, going to Spain here in a little bit, doing events. I pretty much get to schedule my day any way I want to.

At the same time, I get to understand the impact my choices make on my family, in particular my wife and my partner, but also my kids.

What are those choices I'm going to do? Or if you and I are going to grab a beer and just hang out, I might say, "Hey, Chris reached out to me and he wanted to go grab a beer. You cool if I do it tonight and head out there? Do you mind grabbing the kids?"

Versus I just go get the beer with you, and then all of a sudden she's got to go, "Oh, wait. I gotta prep dinner for the kids, clean all the dishes, get the kids' schoolwork, watch—" But she didn't know that she was going to do that and signed up for it.

That builds resentment. Then, in her eyes, she feels abandoned, alone, like she's doing this whole relationship by herself, at best case.

For a lot of women, they're going to start looking around for an exit. Women have this thing that I've been hearing a lot over the last probably two years. They'll say, "I need a wife. I need a wife to take care of me." That's a common thing that I'll hear women say to each other.

It's not degrading, but they do feel like they're doing all the taking care of. Worst-case scenario, she finds a man who will provide that for her. This is a lot how emotional affairs start, which can turn into physical affairs, or just a physical affair if she thinks the man can help take care of her needs.

But also, a lot of women I talk to, and I do mean a lot—and guys hate hearing this—they feel like they have another child in the house. That's just not sexy. They're not turned on. They don't want to be intimate with him.

Here's the thing guys don't get, Chris. A man translates that into, "My wife's not interested in sex."

Christopher Hansen 11:36

Yeah.

Doug Holt 11:36

The truth is, she is. She's just not interested in sex with you. That means she's thinking about somebody else, or a group of other people, or whatever it may be in her fantasies. It may stay in the fantasy lane, but at some point she might look around and go, "What the hell? I'm doing this all on my own. I have no partner here. He's checked out emotionally," which is the biggest complaint.

"He's also going golfing on Wednesday, or doing this thing, or going out with his buddies whenever he wants to. What's in this for me? Why am I doing this?"

Christopher Hansen 12:07

For sure.

Doug Holt 12:08

That's when a lot of guys get surprised, and they get divorce papers, and they're like, "I never saw it coming."

Christopher Hansen 12:14

What do you say to—so I struggle. I'm the opposite side of that, like I said kind of earlier.

For my own self-care, I will carry the burden, carry the burden, carry the burden. I communicate with my wife. I stay in connection with my wife, but I oftentimes find myself in a position where I do get burnout.

There's resentment there, but there's also a recognition that it's me doing it. I'm aware that, "Hey, I'm the person that's putting myself in this situation."

Doug Holt 12:48

Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what's broken, and not only need to know what's broken, but a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That's the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you're going to be toiling with things.

That's why I created a free training, a training that not only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have, to how you get it back. How do you retain that, where your wife's looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, "I do"?

I don't know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I'm her man, I feel like I can conquer the world, and I want that for you.

Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales. That's thepowerfulman.com/scales, and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you.

Now back to the podcast.

Christopher Hansen 13:50

That's been my struggle, really, is just like, "Hey, I need to actually take time for myself because I give, give, give to all these other people."

I'm lucky enough that I've developed a connection with my wife over the years that she'll come to me and say, "Hey, bro, you need to go, whatever it is, hang out with Doug, go fishing, go do something for yourself because you're showing up for all these other people in your life."

That's my pattern.

Doug Holt 14:17

Which is super common. Like I was talking about earlier, most of the men we work with have the provide-protect physically down pat, and they'll overdo it. That's nice guy syndrome kicking in, is really what it is.

You're not asking for, "How did I get here?" You're saying, "Hey, how do I get the frig out of here?" And I'm the same way, by the way.

For me and the men that I coach, you have to put systems around you. I use this analogy all the time, and I'll use it again because this is what it reminds me of. It's like I have to put the bumpers on in the bowling alley to keep me in the right lane because I'll go way off, man.

I'll take energy drinks and everything else to get things done for people. Like, "Chris needs me," and almost collapsing. "Oh, Colton needs help moving. Okay, I got it. Not a problem."

I can do it because I have, and you do too. For most men listening to this, it's so ingrained in us that we can outwork or out-hustle somebody, and we can outdo it.

Doug Holt 15:26

And we sprint to the finish line. The problem is, there's no frigging finish line.

Doug Holt 15:33

The finish line's the grave. That's just the ultimate finish line.

This is what we have our men do in Alpha Rise and Shine. It's easy not to do, but it sets the tone. When I do it, the rest of my day goes better.

Also, scheduling things in with your partner, scheduling things in that you know serve you and that fill you up. So you got to do your Alpha Rise and Shine, got to do your decompression, which will help with this whole coming home and needing to check out thing.

The decompression is what most men just skip altogether. Alpha Rise and Shine, it's our morning routine. It's the way that TPM does it. Each "Alpha" has something, like A is for attune. You can look at other podcasts to go through that.

But also schedule stuff. Last week you told me, "I need to bring my Ohio back," I think is what you said. Basically, "I want to go fishing, shoot guns." You bought some fishing gear, some guns, and you're gonna get that. That's great.

Now you get to schedule when you're gonna do it, and it goes in your calendar. That's the key thing that most guys miss.

They'll say, "You know what? I'm gonna go up to Three Creeks, a lake here near Sisters, and I'm going to go fishing." But if you don't schedule it, something's going to happen.

You're like, "You know, I'm going to go fishing this Saturday. It's going to be great." Then Saturday rolls around, and you're like, "Ah, crap! That AI system I built broke down. Now I got to be here." Things happen. That's cool, but also other stuff happens.

You get up Saturday morning and Kristen says—she doesn't know you need to go fishing—and she says, "Hey, I need to run out because Erin wants to talk and go for a walk. I'm gonna head out in the morning and go do that. Is that cool?"

That's when the sacrificer kicks in and goes, "Yeah, go ahead. I want you to do that. I'll stay home and watch the kids and the dog and everything."

Versus if you would communicate that ahead of time: "Hey, I'm going to go fishing on Saturday. I'm probably going to take off around"—knowing you—"10 in the morning or so, head up to Three Creeks." I'd be 6:00 a.m. "I'm gonna head up there," and what have you.

Then you're setting expectations for Kristen, your wife. Now when Erin calls, she could go, "Yeah, I can go walking, but it has to be at six in the morning because Chris is taking off," or something along those lines.

Doug Holt 17:56

But if you don't put those bumpers up, you'll just keep going and you'll get burnout. I'm going to guess, knowing me and projecting myself on you, you'll get burnout. You'll resent whatever the reason the burnout is, whether it be your family, whether it be TPM for work, whether it be me.

You'll crack a Ghost Energy drink and carry on because you can do it. Then you get double burnout and double pissed until your body just goes, "No more," and just shuts down.

I have a similar pattern. My pattern used to be every time I went on vacation, I got sick because that was a time—it's all my subconscious, my body goes, "Okay, he's actually going to relax now. Let's shut it down."

Doug Holt 18:45

The whole system just shut down. I didn't get sick when I just pushed because I didn't have space to be sick.

Doug Holt 18:53

That was a really common thing I noticed in myself, and I struggle with it at times. I gotta factor in what that is.

Another issue here—we're going off tangent a little bit—but a lot of guys don't know what makes them happy and how to fill their cup. That's something we talk about in the app and the community quite a bit.

Getting guys other ideas. What used to make you happy and what you used to like doing, filling your cup, may not be the same thing anymore.

Doug Holt 19:22

I'm 49, and I played soccer every day for decades. Then I'd play pickup basketball and volleyball and go work out all in the same day. I'm not doing that now for a lot of reasons, but my body's not doing that.

So I got to find other things. Like, "Okay, what else brings me a lot of joy?"

Doug Holt 19:44

Most businessmen will default to work.

Doug Holt 19:47

I'm going to caution them to find something else so that they can be reinvigorated towards their work and come up with more creative ideas.

Christopher Hansen 19:55

For sure. That was the "bringing Ohio back." That was that statement.

In Ohio, I had a routine. I was there for 20 years. I had a friend group, people reaching out. "Hey, we're going to do this. We're going to do that," whatever. It just kind of happened naturally to go do these things that I love to do.

Then coming out here was just a whole new world, completely different life. I met a friend out here several months back who's got property, and he was like, "Why don't you grab your guns and come out here and shoot?"

I was like, "Oh, I've got to clean them because I haven't touched them in three years or two."

I did that and went out, and I was just like, "Oh, I love doing this." I walked away from that interaction like, "Oh, I feel a different level of energy to go apply in these other areas of life, my relationship, my kids, work."

I get not knowing necessarily what those things are. I've had to reinvent and refind those things multiple times in life.

Doug Holt 21:00

Sometimes my wife's got to drag me out the door, almost. That's super common. Now her and I joke about it because I can be a homebody. I'm like, "I interact with people all the time," so it's very easy for me to be like, "No, I'm staying home."

Whereas she's like, "I'm just with the kids. I need people. Give me some adult conversation." That can collide.

Sometimes just going, "All right." My wife needs to go to Three Creeks at the lake. She wanted to go to the lake. Told her I had some time. We did this yesterday. I had a blast.

We put goggles on the kids. Me and the kids were swimming around, and it was so fun to watch all these fishermen. I was thinking of you because you told me you wanted to go to Three Creeks. Literally hundreds of rainbow trout in the schools, and these fishermen are going back.

I'm like, "Hey, man, there's a school of fish right here." They're just laughing like I was joking with them. I was like, "All right, good luck. There's literally like 100 big rainbow trout."

Christopher Hansen 21:59

This is perfect. We'll bring the kids up with goggles, and I can just follow them around. This will be great.

Doug Holt 22:04

Exactly, like dogs, right? Just point when you find them.

But again, I came back just really rejuvenated, connected with my family. My wife was filled up. I was, and we had a great day.

I think if a man finds himself in this situation where he feels that, or he thinks—I'm going to use that word—he thinks that he's entitled to take his time off, I'm going to encourage him to have that conversation with his wife about his entitlement and see what she thinks.

You married this woman. You didn't marry her because she's dumb. You married her probably because she's also strong and smart. Then talk to her about it.

Have agreements and say, "Hey, I'm getting burnout. I need some time to myself." My guess is you're going to find she's going to say, "Ah, this is a great conversation because I need time myself too."

Doug Holt 22:54

That happens a lot with the men when they're like, "Oh, crap." Then you just figure out how you're going to do it together.

You get in collaboration, but you have to be in communication and from a place of being willing, wanting the best for the other person as well as yourself.

Doug Holt 23:08

I think that's the critical thing.

If I'm in your case, I might say, "Kristen"—your wife, or I'm sure you call her babe or whatever—"Babe, if you notice that I'm not doing these two things in a week, just give me a loving nudge."

Meanwhile, "Are you cool if I schedule for the next few weeks, every Saturday heading up to Three Creeks? You guys can join me if you want, but I just want to do a little fishing for a couple weeks while the fishing's still good up here before winter kicks in. Does that work for you?"

Then have that agreement set in place.

Christopher Hansen 23:43

We have that pretty much identical agreement where I've come to her and just, "Hey, if you see me doing this, look, I don't want you to manage me. I'm not trying to put you in a position of managing me. But also, if you see this, sometimes I miss it and I need a reminder."

Christopher Hansen 24:02

It's been great because my wife will certainly come to me, just like she did today.

Christopher Hansen 24:08

I'll just share. She knew I was coming to do podcasts. She knew that the last few days of work have been very intense, and she was like, "Are you getting ready to go see Doug, do your thing?"

Like, "Yeah."

She's like, "You know you need your haircut, right?"

It's like, "Oh, I never even thought about it."

My wife's hairdresser takes me and cuts my hair. Just little things like that, not even on my radar.

Doug Holt 24:40

That's great. I think the key thing I want men to take away from what you just said is you told your wife, "I don't want you to manage me." She doesn't want another kid.

But because you guys have such a close relationship, you're in partnership, and there's things that you remind her of, you guys have what I'm going to assume is an agreement of betterment of each other and the relationship. Both of you are putting checks and balances with each other, and that's awesome.

Most men don't have that agreement, so what I would recommend they do is find a group of men, like-minded men, that iron sharpens iron. If you can find a group of men and just say, "Hey, bro, this is what I'm going through. Can you keep me accountable in this, and I'll keep you accountable on your thing?"

Then, if you get that and you multiply that, you have like five to 10 guys. I think after that, the group gets probably too big. That's what we do at TPM. We bring guys into smaller—we call them packs—smaller cohorts that they can do this.

Now all of a sudden, you got nine guys going, "Hey, Chris, how was fishing? Send me a picture. I want to see the biggest trout you catch. And if you don't catch anything, you got to send me a picture of you doing 10 push-ups."

Doug Holt 25:53

That's what we do with our groups. The men will do that, and they'll call each other out lovingly, like, "Dude, you overworked. You didn't do—you know, now you got to go do something else."

It brings it front to mind because, as a man, as a hardworking man, you will let yourself down. You will lie to yourself, but you won't do the same to another man.

Doug Holt 26:15

That's why people have workout partners. They don't have workout partners because they don't know anything. They don't have workout partners because they have to.

It's because I'll skip the gym to respond to messages on Slack, email, in our app, or our community. But if I know you're showing up to the gym and you're expecting me to be there at the same time, then I'm showing up. I'm going to be there early.

Christopher Hansen 26:39

For sure.

Doug Holt 26:40

Great question, man. I love this.

Christopher Hansen 26:42

Same.

Doug Holt 26:43

Awesome. I'll be happy to point out where the trout are.

Gentlemen, I always say, in a moment of insight, take massive action. What I mean by that is, where are you with this? Where does your wife feel that you're with this?

This is a great time to have a conversation. That conversation can look so many different ways. One question you can ask her, if you're open and curious and your wife feels safe—because otherwise she's probably not going to answer this question, or at least not honestly—is, "Hey babe, do you ever feel like I abandon you or the family? Hey babe, do you ever feel like I abandon you or the family?"

That opens up a conversation. If you come at that with curiosity, you're just going to get another perspective.

If she says yes, and if it's been going on a long time, you're probably going to get a very stern yes and maybe some resentment. Take it in as a grounded, masculine man. You can take it. They're just words.

Recognize that if you get upset or triggered by what she says, it's because you believe it's true. Because if I called you purple, you wouldn't care because you know you're not purple.

It's the same thing I talk to a lot of men about. If I say, "You're a bad father," they just laugh because they know they're a great dad.

Well, in this situation, the reason you get triggered, I'm going to invite you to the possibility, is you believe it's true too.

Hey, you're in partnership. And if you're listening to something like this, the TPM Show, The Powerful Man, where the power comes from the inside, then you're a man of action and a man that wants to take feedback and be better. Kudos to you.

The key is actually doing the work. See you next time on the TPM Show.