Episode #803
Dive into “Love’s Battlefield: Navigating Disagreements Without Losing Connection,” where Doug Holt delves into transforming relationship conflicts into opportunities for intimacy. This episode is a lifeline for anyone trapped in the endless cycle of arguments, offering a fresh perspective on partnership dynamics.
In this episode, Doug shares his journey from enduring weeks of disconnection to resolving conflicts in seconds, spotlighting the transformative strategies that can change the course of any relationship. He emphasizes actionable steps and introduces techniques like the hidden motives technique to foster understanding and connection.
Listeners will come away with the knowledge to navigate disagreements without losing love, ensuring every argument strengthens rather than strains their relationships. Whether aiming to reignite the spark in your marriage or deepen your emotional bond, this episode is a guide to keeping love at the forefront, even in the midst of conflict.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
Go from a warzone to actually bringing intimacy you don’t want your wife to be to feel as if she’s not getting the attention she deserves. You don’t want her to feel as if she’s alone in this marriage, you don’t want her to feel that she needs adult time, but she can’t get it. You want your wife to feel love. You want her to feel appreciated. You want her to feel cherished, like the queen that she is she needed to be led and very firmly and felt like she was safe and that she’s understood. But what used to take two to three weeks for us to even come together and be nice to each other. Now takes seconds, literally seconds. And I want that for you. Because that’s those seconds then turn to intimacy.
Hey, guys, do disagreements in your house turned into a friggin war zone? Where are you guys start with an argument you start with some kind of disagreement. And it just spirals out of control. This used to happen to me in my marriage all the time. I mean, all the time, we’d get in a small disagreement, it would escalate, it turned into a warzone. And then it would be like two, three weeks of disconnect. Right where we feel completely disconnected. The way I describe it is we felt like roommates but not roommates that liked each other. We loved each other, but we didn’t like each other. And if you feel this way, if you felt this way before, this is the show for you in today’s TPM show, we’re not going to go over how to navigate these disagreements. So they go from a warzone to actually bringing intimacy, right. And if you’re like me, you’ve probably heard about these couples that get in fights. And they instantly turn into these wild, hot, passionate, sex filled nights, right where they’re, they’re having breakup sex, so to speak, or makeup sex. That never happened for me, I’ve never gotten I can’t think of many times where I’ve had makeup sex, right, or at least it wasn’t until weeks later. And it wasn’t really makeup sex, it was kind of, you’re kind of in that place where of Jesus been a couple of weeks. It just doesn’t work. And most of the men that I spoken to, and I’ve worked with 1000s of men at this point, it’s the same thing, right? Because we are strong willed. And if you’re a strong willed man like me, then your wife is probably too, which is probably very educated. She probably has a very strong independent side to her. So how do we do this? How do we handle this? How do we change things around? Well, the other side of this is now my wife and I still fight. We still argue like we’re humans, right? We’re a couple. We’re real people. I have a business, I have kids, I have interests outside of my marriage. So we get in arguments or disagreements that happen. But what used to take two to three weeks for us to even come together and be nice to each other. Now takes seconds, literally seconds. And I want that for you. Because that’s those seconds, then turn to intimacy. And that’s where this kind of, quote makeup sex kind of comes in.
You’re not really even making up for it. Right? You just, you’re good. And so you’re having more sex, because you’re feeling she’s feeling more connected to you, you feel more respected. That’s a good formula. So what happens, right? So let’s just say there’s a disagreement, right? There’s, there’s something that’s going on. Here, I’ll just set the scene randomly here. And I’ll walk you through how it could be navigated, and how some people choose to navigate it right, which is different. So let’s just say that you come home from work one day, you’re working out of the office, you come home, it’s been a long day, right? The kids are screaming, your wife’s gone. Look. I’m taking off. I’m gonna go out with the girlfriends tonight. And then tomorrow night, I’m going skiing, and then the next night doing XYZ, whatever it is. In your head, you’re like, holy crap. I’ve been gone all day huntin slaying, I’m tired. And now you want me to watch the kids and you’re going out and you’re going out the next day and the next day. So now, instead of you helping me with the kids, or me helping you, it’s all on my shoulders. This is ridiculous. I have things that I want to do. I want to go out with the boys. I want to watch Lord of the Rings, whatever it is you want to do. Now, that’s all taken away from you. So you’re pissed. She’s pissed? She’s feeling like she’s trapped? And you guys start to have an argument about it? No. Well, if you go out tonight, then with the girls, then tomorrow night, I’m going with the boys. She’s like, No, I never get a chance to go out. And now you’re in this escalation of like, who’s better, right, who deserves more time away? Or who’s right versus wrong is really what it is. And that escalates. And you’re kind of then it turns into? Well, you know, you went out with the girls all week, the other week, and I was stuck home with the kids by myself and I have never get time by myself and she goes back with, well, you’re doing the career that you want to do. And you know, you get to do all these things. And I’m with the kids all day, I need some adult time. And now you guys both walk away from each other huffing and puffing, you’re both pissed.
You’re talking about things unrelated to this whole idea of your wife leaving that night or the next night or whatever. Right. The because what’s happening is resentment is building you’re stacking things. You’re stacking resentments on top of each other, and you’re getting more and more pissed and you walk away and you’re not having any sex that night, that’s for sure, let alone the next couple nights Most likely, you give in and you let her go out with the girls, you let her go out all three nights, yet you resent her for doing that, which pushes you guys further away from each other. Right? And she comes back, you’re still with the friggin kids, you’re still doing these. And of course, she loves her kids. So don’t take that that way. But you’re still doing all these things, yet you’re not getting the, quote, benefits of them because you’re resenting your wife, it’s showing, she knows you’re resenting she’s resenting you, yet. She’s still going out with the girls. You get the idea. That’s why most couples work. And I get a chance to see this all the time. So your situation is going to be different, obviously. But that’s a glimmer of it. Now, here’s how you could handle it. Right? So you come home after a hard day, your wife says, Ah, it’s been such a rough day. I’m going out with the girls tonight. I’m going out tomorrow, the and then I’m doing this, I’m going skiing, and I’m doing this other thing. The following day. Take a deep breath and go okay, babe, can we sit down and talk about these? And she goes, No, we can’t talk about these is today’s been just crappy. It’s been hellish day with the kids. I’m going out you go out all the time. So here’s how I would respond. Wow. Sounds like you’ve had a really tough day. God, imagine being home with the kids all by myself and not having any adult time would drive me crazy. And she’s going to validate. So I’m validating her. I’m getting into her world. She comes back with Well, yeah, the kids, the kids have been a mess. They’re they’re not listening to me. They’re throwing tantrums, whatever, you get the idea, you can come back, go back into the validation mode right here with the hidden motors version of it.
So oh, man, when the kids don’t listen to me, I just get so pissed off. Right when they don’t listen to me. I’m like, do not disrespect me. I’m your father. And I feel like one of these guys that is not the best version of me. And your wife’s gonna come back and go Yeah, yeah, I feel like I’m not being the best mom that could be a really bums me out a golf. Then you come back with something like yeah, a tear parent who decided we’re going to do this kind of jokingly with her. Now her her. Basically, all of her weapons are down her walls are down because you’ve relating to her. So I just need to get out sneak out with the girls. Look, I totally support you getting these hours been totally support you getting some adult time and some girl time? Can we sit down and talk about how we can make this week work for both of us. I’ve also had a tough week, and I want this to be really collaborative. Chances are she’s gonna go Yeah, let’s do that. Let’s sit down. Because you get in collaboration mode. And you can look at and say babe, I just want to let you know you’re a great mother. And I never want you to feel this way that you can’t have your own life outside of our just our family, I want it to Let’s work on this together. So you get some adult time I get some adult time, we both feel like it’s a good mix for both of us. So even just saying that out loud, probably you’re kind of relaxed, your nervous system relaxes listening to this. That’s what’s gonna happen to her. So if you don’t validate each other, and same thing happens with you and I have in a conversation, the person doesn’t feel validated. In other words, you don’t really understand me. So therefore I have to take control of myself I have to protect myself is really what they’re saying.
But if you understand me, that’s like, okay, cool. We’re on the same page, I can now exhale, relax a little bit, my nervous system can calm down, then you get a validator. And then you get to lead her, right, lead her. I can’t tell you how many times I’m on a phone call with a man who tells me in their own subtle ways, what’s going on in their household, and I’m like, Hey, buddy, your wife is begging you to lead. She’s asking you questions. She’s asking you to make more decisions. Now, ironically, this doesn’t happen until a man’s done the work for about six months on average within one of our programs. In fact, I have a guy I’m working with one on one right now, who all of a sudden, his wife went from wanting divorce and separation to ask him questions like, hey, what do you think I should make for dinner? What do you think I should do this weekend? And he was like, wow, she can’t make the CISM decisions all of a sudden. That’s not the case. The truth is, she now trusts you. And she wants you to lead before she didn’t trust you. She didn’t trust you to be the leader of the home. She had to be the leader of the home. It’s not because you’re not strong enough. It’s because you’ve been in Nice Guy mode for so long. You haven’t been giving her the leadership she wants. She is now beginning to trust your leadership again, which is great. And she’s asking you to lead she’s begging you to lead. She knows what to cook for dinner. She knows what she could do for the weekend. She’s a smart woman. And this man looks at me as like a whole heck yeah, she is. That’s for sure. Like yeah, she’s asking you to make decisions because she’s trusting your leadership. And so when you’re getting these arguments what’s happening guys? Is your wife’s not trusting your leadership anymore. And for if you’re like me, you’ve gone into this quote, Mr. Nice Guy mode. Robert gov Glover’s got a great book called no more Mr. Nice Guy. It gives you kind are the symptoms that I’m talking about here?
Right, you want to go through this, you gotta get out of that mode. That’s what The Activation Method does for you. It’s what are our flagship programs, an eight week program, it really rips you out of that. And you get guidance and coaching directly from your coach on how to do this in your situation. But also, when you do this, in this nice guy mode, she’s now said, basically, you can’t lead me. So I’ll have to do it myself, which is not natural, feminine energy, it’s masculine energy. So your wife becomes more masculine, which gives you one of two options. One is if somebody comes with you with masculine energy, as a masculine man, you need to rise up against that energy, right or meet it at the very much, that’s conflict, too. The other option is you go down, right, you go into submissive mode. And that’s fine, right? For a time, but not in a marriage where the person the other person, your wife, is more naturally feminine. And I’m gonna go out on a limb, and I’m making this up, but 90% of women are naturally more feminine by nature, men are naturally more masculine. Now, of course, there’s that 10% That’s different. But you wouldn’t be watching this if you were in that 10%. So you want to instead of rising up in meeting it, just meet her with loving energy, as different grounded masculine energy, meaning are with that grounded firm, almost dad like energy, kind of, if you will, like to a loving kid, being loved loving, but firm. And then validate her use The Hidden Motives Technique is the best technique to use in this situation. Calmer nervous system down, and then lead her with what you want. Because the truth is you want you don’t want your wife to be to feel as if she’s not getting the attention she deserves. You don’t want her to feel as if she’s alone in this marriage, you don’t want her to feel that she needs adult time, but she can’t get it. Right. No, you want your wife to feel love. You want her to feel appreciated. You want her to feel cherished, like the queen that she is.
Now you right now, if things are rocky, you might have some resentment against her. totally get it, right. It’s natural, that can change. But you need to use these techniques to change it. Otherwise, you’re going to continue the cycle of arguments. And what most men do is a sweep the argument under the rug, hoping that it just gets better. She’s mad, you let her go. She goes out with her girlfriends, you don’t say anything about it, you hold resentment, things get better a week or so from then everything’s fine. Something else bubbles up to the surface, right? You guys know this pattern. You have another argument, you bring up the old stuff, she brings up old stuff, the arguments bigger, you have no sex again, you go through this whole cycle over and over and over again. Like it’s Groundhog’s Day. But eventually you get further and further and further apart. We want to nip that in the bud right away. We use a tactical, the Clean Slate Method to wipe the slate clean. But then we use what I’m teaching you now is the version of The Hidden Motives Technique, which is like Kung Fu for arguments, right? It’s like a Kido, for shit tests. So your wife really is saying, I need help. But instead of saying that, because she doesn’t have the resources to do that, emotionally, she’s doing through complaining, I’m going to go out with the girls, and I’m going skiing tomorrow. Because I don’t want them really what she’s saying is I don’t want to be in a situation tomorrow. So I’m planning ahead without you and I’m going skiing. And then the next day, I’m going out with the girls again, or whatever it may be, you get the idea. Because in that moment, her nervous system is so stressed that she does not want to go here again, she does not want to go back to this place.
So again, I’ll just repeat what I was saying. If your wife says, Oh, the kids are just been crazy. It’s been happening. I’m going out with the girls tonight. Tomorrow, I’m going skiing. And the next time go out with the girls again. I’m out of here. Might say whoa, babe, man, I know what those days are like when the kids are going crazy. And I haven’t had an adult to talk with. I go flip flippin insane. And so now I’m validating with her. She’s gonna, she’s gonna say no, that’s not it at all. Or she’s gonna say, Yeah, I hate that. Go, yeah. I never want you to feel that way where you you’re not having adult time, you’re not getting a chance to actually connect with adults to do that. I’ve had a crazy week, too. I need some adult time. How can we do this together? So both of us get what we need. Now we’re in collaboration mode, right? And I’m leading her down this path. You also might want to throw out there like, hey, why don’t we do this? Why don’t we call the babysitter tomorrow. And you and I will go skiing. You and I both need some adult time. And you know what we need some together time like when we first were dating. Right now I’m bringing her into the dream. I’m leading her down the path that I want to. And gentlemen, this is how your wife is going to feel safe. If you’ve ever had your wife tell you that she doesn’t feel safe with you. Odds are it’s not physically safe. It’s emotionally safe. It’s because you’re not leading. You’re not activated. Right. I wasn’t activated. I was running three companies. I was playing competitive sports. I was doing all the community things. But at home I was not activated. I became deactivated. That’s why we have The Activation Method. It’s a methodology. You need to become activate Did to lead her to make her feel safe. When she feels safe, she can surrender into your masculine energy into her your reassurance, she can surrender into your leadership. And that my friend, is how you go from Warzone arguments to intimacy, love and respect outside the bedroom. And inside the bedroom. You gotta remember, for women to have that really wild, passionate sex we all want to have, they need to feel connected and say first book said it again, if you want your wife to be the freak in the bedroom that she has been, and I can tell you this, from a man that ran a gym where I could overhear conversations from women, and my wife’s a coach.
So I hear from her, your wife is way freakier in bed than you probably have ever experienced. And she’s dying for it. But she needs to feel safe with you. And she needs to feel connected to you in order for that side of her to come out with you. She wants it with you. But if she’s not going to have with you, she’s going to have it somewhere else. Just so you know. And in order for us as men, my theory, my feelings, talking to men and the way I feel, in order for me to be connected to my wife in a deep way, I need to be having great sex. So you see where they got this just juxtaposition here. She needs to feel connected. To have great sex. I need great sex to feel connected. But hey, am I gonna wait for her? No way, man, I’m gonna plant the seeds and make sure it happens on my terms. Plus, I don’t like the warzone of arguments. Right? It doesn’t feel good doesn’t serve me to my highest level. Sometimes I’m argument of, right. Sometimes I cause the problem, probably more often than not. But I also want to resolve it. Right. And there’s a teenager inside of me like there is inside of you. It’s sometimes I don’t want to resolve it right away. But usually, again, I can, this can rise up in my house. And I can solve it like that. Again, I walk in the house, my wife goes, Oh, the kids have been crazy. I just need to get out of here. Hey, babe, I hate it. So I’m gonna validate her, right go through it.
And literally within 20 seconds or so my wife is in my arms, she’s looking at me, she no longer needs to go out with the girls. Everything’s resolved. She just needed her nervous system to be calmed down. She needed to be led and very firmly, it felt like she was safe and that she’s understood. Then the evening turns out to be fine. We can play with the kids, we can do all things. Maybe she goes out with the girls, maybe not. Right. But I’ve led her down the path, she’s definitely not going out three nights in a row, leave me with the kids. That’s not happening. Right? It’s a boundary that I have, because I need to take care of myself too. Right? So but in these arguments, it’s all about the validation. Right? So The Hidden Motives Technique is way more than just validation. But it’s the easiest term to describe when I’m coaching this without actually going through and one on one with a situation like you would with your coach, and The Activation Method is understanding that and you’ve got to practice it, you gotta get reps in the first time you do it, you’re gonna fumble, you’re just gonna fumble. Second time, you get a little better. Third time, a little better. Fourth, fifth, etc. And you get to this point, we get your reps in, and you’re like my wife and I, and you literally solve this very quickly should you choose to, again, I have a strong teenager, sometimes I don’t choose to, sometimes, I’d rather be right than happy.
But we’ve come back to it very quickly. And this is how you can turn intimacy or turn arguments into intimacy in your house, your wife is going to feel better, right, you’re going to have a queen that knows that her man can solve her problems without solving them. Right. That’s the key, you’re not actually going. Here’s the solution like most of us guys do, like I used to do, you’re solving it from an internal angle, the angle that you really, really need you to do it from, and she’s gonna start looking at you and admiring you more because you are now her safe place. She does, she’s not gonna leave her safe place, she’ll definitely leave a place that she doesn’t feel safe. So now you become a safe place you become the man that she loves, again, the man that she respects again, and the man that she admires and looks up to. And guess what she’s gonna tell all her girlfriends about this. It happens guys, like all the girlfriends are going to know that you provide this safe space and this barrier for her and the arguments in your home happen. But those arguments turn into intimacy. And that’s how you do it. So gentlemen, as I always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. apply these techniques to your life today. Right practice, you’re going to stumble, that is okay. If you’re in the movement, you’re in our private community. You’ve been through The Activation Method before comment in the general channel. Let me know how this is working for you. what’s working, what’s not, you’re going to have hundreds if not 1000s of men right there in your corner just like I am. Remember gentlemen, I’m in your corner. Take some massive action. We’ll see you next time on the TPM show.
