Nice Guy Habits That Make Her Leave

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Transcription

Doug Holt  0:00  

They put everybody else’s needs. First, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard from women say how sexy they think it is for their man to go after what they want in life, to take care of themselves is what she said, I just want him to be a man by being too needy. What she’s getting out of that is that she is the dominant in your life is about responding to her and her needs. And that’s not sexy or safe.

Hey guys, welcome back to the TPM show. Once again, joined here by our CEO and my brother, Brad Holt. And we’re having a good time here. And today, guys, we’re going to talk about the nice guy habits that you’re using that are actually repelling your wife. So Brad, thanks again for being here, man.

Brad Holt  0:50  

I love being here, man. You forgot to mention naturally good-looking.

Doug Holt  0:54  

Yeah, I did forget. It’s kind of been a lifelong thing, though. Now, it’s fun to have hear the banter going back and forth, the jokes. And then but we also have some really serious topics to talk about. And this is one of them. Because there’s the men that come to TPM are great men, they’re good. They will give you the shirt off their back type of guys. But because of that, because they’re nice, they fall into quote what Dr. Glover says in his book, nice guy syndrome. I don’t think it was a syndrome. But they’re a nice guy. And so I want to talk about some of the habits. Men fall into great men, leaders, business leaders, and otherwise, that actually repel their wives rather than attract them.

Brad Holt  1:37  

I love that topic. Because it sounds like I’m a nice guy. What could go wrong? Right? Why is this not working for me? Yeah.

Doug Holt  1:44  

Well, I mean, it totally is. And you know, what a lot of guys do is and you can go back we’ve done a lot of podcasts on being a nice guy. And what that looks like, but women do is they’re the wife’s not happy. She is discontent so they think, Okay, I’m going to be a nicer guy to make her happy. And that’s where it falls down. And let’s So again, let’s talk about the habits that you kick off with one of them. And we’ll just kind of go back and forth and banter. A

Brad Holt  2:09  

big one is I’m the provider, I come home, and what do you want to do? What do you want to eat? I ask all the questions to them thinking I’m nice. But taking no ownership, no initiative, no responsibility. And I really think it’s nice, but I’m really putting all the pressure on the other person to come up with all the ideas. Yeah,

Doug Holt  2:33  

it’s funny, you know, last night, you and I went to dinner, and I was laughing a little bit about this. So I was like, Hey, man, where do you want to go? You’re like, I don’t care. I was like, This is so stereotypical. And I know you really didn’t care. And that’s the really the thing is, a lot of times the nice guy doesn’t care. But when you say I don’t care, I don’t know, I don’t care. You do that with your partner without having any leadership or saying, Hey, would you like to go to Mexico? What do you want to go tonight’s? I think it’s okay. If she says, I don’t know, then you say great. Well, we were in the Mexican restaurant, we’re going to Chinese restaurant or wherever you’re going to local diner. But you have to have some decision power because the worst thing and then the nice guy. Habit number one is being indecisive. Right? Is you know, I say, Brad, where do you want to go? You say I don’t know, wherever works for me. I don’t care. Where do you want to eat? We go back and forth in this in this kind of indecision matrix, if you will. And and everybody’s trying their everybody’s doing okay, trying to be a nice person. But it deflates especially feminine energy. It causes your wife to actually go into her masculine energy to be decisive. Right? My wife says this all the time to me, Brad. She just goes like Mother’s Day, like a baby. Is there anything special you want to do? I got a day plan for you. Is there anything special though you want to do? I just want to check in with you. Right? Because sometimes she goes out with her girlfriends, they get together. So I’m coordinating the day I have the whole day planned. And Astrid, she goes, You know what? I do? I mean, meaning the girls this time does that work for you? She asks, I tell her Yes. She says I just don’t want to think just don’t want to think I want you to take care of all the decisions. So I was like, Yep, I already have them. They’re all done. And that time that you’re gonna go meet the girls for a drink. That’s that’ll work out in the schedule, not a problem at all. And we go away my wife you can see visibly just her shoulders relax and it hurts go. She knows when that day comes that I’ve got her. I’ve got her taken care of. She’s going to have a great time. And I think more importantly, what guys don’t get about this. This is she wants to be taken on a journey. Like a fairy tale journey for her day, her moment, the date, whatever it is, and fairy tales never begin with what do you want to do? Right or continue on more than that. There has to be a decision that comes through

Brad Holt  4:50  

and my wife’s situation is a little bit different in that my wife wants to know that I care about her. And our issue was cooking. Yeah, my wife’s a great cook. But she doesn’t want to be the one who has to decide every meal. Because it’s all the pressure on her. I decide the meal, I cook the meal, and I get to sit back. And it wasn’t so good. Yeah. And so we finally just talked out and I go, Hey, what’s on Mondays? I have Mexican Tuesday, we’ll have Chinese Thursday, we’ll do this and she’ll switch it up. But the fact that I just initiated and that’s people blow out the word leadership. It’s not a big deal. Just take initiative. Yep. If they change, that’s okay. But you’ve at least shown that you care enough to take initiative as opposed to the other, which I was. I don’t care. Well,

Doug Holt  5:36  

that’s it. Someone’s got to lead. Yeah, someone’s got to lead. And if you’re not leading, she has to right now she is the leader of your home. And now you are a nice guy. And you’re pigeonholed and, and

Brad Holt  5:48  

then that’s what I think, too is we build resentment. It doesn’t bother me. Yeah. liar. Liar. Pants on fire. Yeah, the resentment gets built and built and built on being a nice guy and being a nice guy. And then what happens? Boom, yes, that never ends. Well.

Doug Holt  6:06  

Yeah, it doesn’t. It doesn’t for her as well. Coming through. So it’s good. Nice guy. Habit number two. So to me, nice guy. But number two is trying to make your wife happy. Right? And what do I mean by does every guy wonder why his wife is happy? Absolutely. What I mean is, and I did this is Gosh, this is over a decade ago, Brian, I’ve told this story many times. But I remember Aaron we’re at I remember Aaron, just being glum and down. And that’s not a good place. So I did what a lot of guys do, Okay, I’m gonna work harder. I’m gonna, I am gonna show her how great of a man I am. I’m gonna make her happy. So I came home from work early, put on a pot of coffee, cranked the music up, and cleaned the house. Right and over and over I’m going to clean in and out the trash. She bitches and moans about that. I’m going to do this because you add a little resentment but I was going to prove to her how lucky she was not only do I provide and protect, but I also can clean, right, and do all these things. I thought that’s what she wanted. And then Aaron comes home, the house, the house looks great, better than it’s looked. And she’s like, Oh, you didn’t get the oven. And I would just of course, lose my shed at that point.

Brad Holt  7:19  

I heard that story. Oh,

Doug Holt  7:21  

cuz I remember it. And what oh guys will do? And I’ve done this many times during that time until I figure this out. Right, which is gauged by the difference in other things that have come into what we call The Activation Method. But before I was activated, I would think okay, I need to do more to make her happy. I will clean her car access services, my love language. So I will do things for her. It’s not her love language. And guys will do this often like they’ll feel like they’re in the doghouse. So they’ll cook, they’ll clean, they’ll do the dishes, and their wife will just sit on the couch and be on her iPhone, scrolling Instagram, or what really happens, Brad? If guys have been doing this for a while, their wife is sitting on the couch chatting with another guy. And they don’t even realize it. And, guys, I know it’s hard for a lot of you guys to hear this. But Brad and I, we hear the stories. And statistically speaking, if you’re in this mode for a long period of time, statistically speaking, this is what’s happening. She’s chatting with somebody else. Now it could be somewhat innocent, but she’s looking for that Alpha in her life. She’s looking for someone to give her attention the way that she needs it. She’s looking for an activated man. Once

Brad Holt  8:33  

the thought gets in, if you don’t fix that quickly, it turns to action. Yeah. And it’s our job as men to step into that leadership role. It comes down like you mentioned love languages, and some guys are completely oblivious to it. They have no idea. So like your example, is Aaron’s love language quality time. Yes, it is. So that’s my wife’s love language. Yeah. Which mine is also acts of service, which my wife will say, let’s do this? And I’m thinking I’ll take child one to Lowe’s. We’ll pick this up. You take child two to Albertsons pick that up and we’ll go to get a picnic. Later. My wife goes, Well, why don’t we all just go together? And I’m going to use it inefficiently. Exactly. But

Doug Holt  9:17  

yeah,

Brad Holt  9:18  

if I want to show my wife love, I do it. And she was that event, you’re just going the shopping was good, as good as going to the beach. The guys I deal with, there are the ones that just don’t know, that’s just an ignorance that can be taught, but a lot of us intellectually know, but we don’t do anything about it. And I know my marriage, I sometimes forget. That’s my wife’s love language. And I do something like you did I clean the house or do more chores. My wife doesn’t care about that. That’s not speaking her love language at all. Yep, that’s

Doug Holt  9:49  

not even it. So for. You’re right, you’re 100% Correct. But for for better Habit number two, it’s really trying to make your wife happy and by doing things right it could be making your wife happy by buying her stuff it could be it’s the fact that you are trying to make her happy in order for her to like you again. Okay? Right. That’s a nice guy. Habit number two that repels your wife. And so guys this could be buying the lake house buying a new car, this could be like me, you know, back then we didn’t have a lot of money. So I cleaned the house. I was a binding Lake house back then. Or whatever else it may be. But I’m trying to do it to get her to like me. Right now. It’s an external validation. Now I’m being needy. I need her to say something. So when she comes in and points out the oven, I lose my shit. Right? I go like what? I’ve been here for two hours. And I’m not a normal cleaner. That’s just not cleaning. The house is not my jam. I know who saved the job. It is just called the kettle black hair. Cleaning the house isn’t my jam. So you know, when I did that, I got really upset that it wasn’t a wreck. I didn’t appreciate the love that I had for now. I know that’s transactional. You know, I’ve so much beyond that. But that is a nice guy. Habit number two. What is habit three? Way to push it back to me. So a nice guy. Habit number three which we see all the time is being needy. Right? A lot of nice guys will be needy, they will ask their wives. Hey, how are you doing? Are you okay? Do we love each other? We’re good today, huh? And it’d be they come almost like a little kid or a puppy. Right. And that is so repulsive to a woman. Because she doesn’t want you to need her. 

Your wife wants you to have something that’s more important than her. She wants to be the most important person in your life, but not the most important thing in your life. And when you follow your wife around, trying to gauge whore, her emotions, trying to gauge her reactions, trying to gauge where she is, she can feel it. She can actually palpably feel it before you do it. I was on a call with a guy, a guy asked me to get a call with his wife, which is unusual. I’ve done it before, but I usually don’t do it. And I’m working with this guy, one on one amazing man, and I talked to his wife and his wife, when the first thing she says to me is, as soon as he walks in the house, I can feel his feels like tentacles around me because he’s watching and judging everything I’m doing to try to figure out where his position in places and how what to react. She’s like in this way. She said, I just want him to be a man. Think about that for a second. I just want him to be a man. Now he thought that he might have been too aggressive, too assertive. No, she thought he was being too feminine, by being too needy. So that’s number three. By being too needy, your woman isn’t getting the idea that you love her. She isn’t getting the idea that you’re just curious and that you’re trying to question how good the relationship is. What she’s getting out of that is that she is the dominant, and your life is about responding to her and her needs. And that’s not sexy or safe. Yeah,

Brad Holt  13:14  

I mean, women want a powerful man to be there always, never have to even think about it. But if all of a sudden we start acting needy, that starts asking questions like raising questions or my like, wait, maybe we aren’t so good. And maybe this isn’t. And that’s not where she wants to go puts her in a totally different frame of mind than she ever wants to be in. Yeah, it totally repels a woman it is is pull

Doug Holt  13:35  

the microphone up a little bit closer to your mouth, because your hands are getting really animated. We’ll keep it that way so that guys can hear you a little bit more. So then we look at number four, right? What’s the fourth thing on your mind? That repels women, the nice guys do?

Brad Holt  13:51  

Well, the fourth thing I think that they do all the time is they get into the story. And they try in a story to keep them from being the man that they want to be. And the woman has no idea the story is even had so they have all these hidden contracts. The woman has no idea about these in a man’s reacting on this transactional basis, these hidden contracts they have with each other. And they never explain it. I want sex three times a week. And if it’s not met, the guy feels all pouty and it’s all upset. And I asked Have you ever asked or told her this? And no, but she should know.

Doug Holt  14:33  

Yeah, I Oh, gosh, she should know. Covert contracts are a big one. Yep. Yeah. And the assumptions that people make that everybody should just know what they’re thinking. All marriages have sex on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 5 pm. Right or whatever else. Job would you get that idea? Where’d you get that notion? That’s a good one. That’s a good one. Number five, it’d be the last one. I think that I’m going to leave it with that I think is God AIS who really, when they come home, they are just, they’ve just lost their ability to take care of themselves. Right? They stop taking themselves and they put everybody else’s needs first. And I think most of our guys, the guys that I talked to can relate to this. I certainly could, is my idea of being a powerful man back then, was that I would work myself to death, essentially, to provide for everybody else, I’d make sure everybody else ate it last. Everybody was taken care of before Doug was taken care of. I thought that’s what it meant to be a man. And then what would happen Brad, is I would be depleted, drained. And I look up and go, well, where’s everybody for me? And then I’d be resentful, angry, upset. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard from women say how sexy they think it is, for their man to go after what they want in life, to take care of themselves, I guess are two separate things, but I’m gonna combine them taking care of yourself or your own filling your own needs to be physical needs, your health, working out, etc. But also just doing what you want to do. 

Going after it is also why so many times men go through The Activation Method when they join it all. It’s like almost like, Hey, I joined I signed up. And before the first call, their wife finds out, she starts to turn the corner. Because she’s now she’s like, Haha, he’s now going for what he wants. He’s now taking care of him, not her. And even when Brad, oftentimes what will happen is a guy will join The Activation Method. In fact, we got a video of a guy, a great couple. The wife talks about this as he goes, I’m joining The Activation Method. And she’s basically like, No, you’re not like you’re not gonna spend money and time doing that. He goes, Yes, I am. And she says on campuses, it was so hot. That’s the thing. She stood up to her to go after what he knew was the right thing for his family. What he knew was the right thing for her for him. Regardless of what she thought, Now, he hadn’t been a jerk about it. He just knew it with confidence. And even though she said no to him, she says on camera, you gotta go to the go to our website, you can watch her say this in the video. She was like, it is so hot. And women want that he was leading, he was taking care of himself, he was taking care of his power, he’s taking care of his purpose. Remember, a woman doesn’t want you to be the number one thing in your life. She wants to be the number one person in your life, she wants your purpose in you to be your number one thing in life, right? And that’s how she knows you’re going to be there to do it. The nice guy, the nice guy puts everybody else first, everybody else’s needs first, and puts himself last. And that was number five Repel your woman or any woman for that matter. Yeah,

Brad Holt  17:45  

it doesn’t sound very nice at all. I mean, how many? Sometimes we confuse quantity of time, I’ll just do all this stuff with quality of time. So invest in yourself, be the powerful man exercising, and do your fun hobbies. Or like this gentleman said I’m going to do this. Or I don’t. So many men get in their minds and say, No, I’m not going to do this. Because I don’t have time for it. Yeah. And but because I want to do all these little things. Which is so unattractive.

Doug Holt  18:18  

Yeah. And I want to wrap this up, put a bow on it if I can. While I can say that today, I do is when you think about these things, these quote Nice Guy things. So we can go through all five of them if we want to. But you guys can rewind this. All of these aren’t really being a nice guy. They’re being a manipulator. Right? Because you’re being nice to get something in return. That’s transactional. If you’re a business guy. It’s like, Hey, Brad, I want you to clean my house because you’re so good at it. I want you to clean the house and I’ll give you 100 bucks that’s a transaction you say yes, and you say no. But then if I kind of do something nice for you, I clean your car with the expectation of you cleaning my house, but I don’t say anything about it. That’s not being a nice guy. Me cleaning your car. That’s me being manipulative, right? And that’s what really a nice guy is and that’s why it repels women. Because you’re being a manipulator, you’re being weak, you’re not being assertive, and you will repel your wife like nobody’s business. The antidote is to become an activated man become a powerful man. That’s why we have a methodology proven methodology called The Activation Method to reactivate you as a man and get you to your core to who you are as a man. That doesn’t mean you be a dick. That does not give you license some guys think they have to swing the pendulum the other way right? I’ve been a nice guy for 10 years now I gotta be more aggressive. Be more assertive maybe but not doesn’t give you a license to be a dick. You still you’re still going to be was one guy said I’m no longer a nice guy. I’m a great man.

Brad Holt  19:49  

I love right I do too.

Doug Holt  19:51  

I think those big sexy said that but I like it either way. And I think it was a big success to me. And I love it because it’s So true. He’s in his power, he’s grounded, he’s masculine. And big sexy will give you the shirt off his back. You know, he’s just a great guy. But he’s not doing it from a place of manipulation is doing it from a place of actually caring for people, and he’s taking care of himself. Right? First and foremost, and we take care of home base, you can do so much more than

Brad Holt  20:20  

when you do it from love, you don’t care about the reaction. I agree. I love that word manipulation, I, under the guise of being nice, I’m really trying to manipulate the situation to get what I want. And it gets back down to the transactional level,

Doug Holt  20:32  

I want you to like me, so I’m just gonna be super nice. Again, you want to be pleasant. And there’s there’s nuances to this game. But you know, if I’m getting I’m wanting something from you. So I’ll be fake nice versus actually being the authentic me. We talked about this in a previous podcast, there’s a guy that we’ve talked about, that we work with, who’s in my opinion, is just unapologetically himself, and you want to get to know him just more naturally because you’re not seeing as representative you’re seeing the authentic him, which is refreshing. Awesome, man, thank you so much for giving those go back and forth, me. Gentlemen, those are five ways that a nice guy can repel his wife. Which of those five habits are you engaged in? Be honest with yourself. Which of the five are you doing? Are you doing 1234 Or all five. And I know for myself, I know for myself, I own multiple businesses, I was playing competitive sports. And I was doing all five of those at one time or another. In my life, I just didn’t know better, I really truly thought I was doing the right thing. But the truth is, being the nice guy is repelling only for women, but also for guys, and you’re not serving yourself to your highest level to be able to give back to the world. So this is your chance to get activated if you’re interested in getting activated. And just learning more about The Activation Method. If you’re a business owner, er a C suite executive, there’ll be a link in the description for you to learn more. But whatever you do, take massive action in every moment of insight and this is your chance to do so. We’ll see you next time on the TPM show.