Quality Over Quantity

Episode #320

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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt  0:00  

I was trying to spend time with her, but my mind was elsewhere but wasn’t with her. But I was physically there. And so I sat down and had a conversation with her after some time, like months of doing this and not figuring it out. I was anxious because that’s not what I wanted to do. I wasn’t doing my own thing. I wasn’t getting my needs met, my cup filled, but I tried to give her quality time. She said, Look, I would rather have one night with just you all than to have five nights where you’re just kind of here. 

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews. I love to see you listen, watching you shake your head as I say that. How are you doing, man?

Tim Matthews  0:51  

I am doing great. I’m telling you. I think I told you this. The team meeting this week was to get a sauna.

Doug Holt  0:58  

I’ve got, Yeah

Tim Matthews  1:00  

Game changer, I’ll tell you what

Doug Holt  1:03  

Really?

Tim Matthews  1:04  

Yeah, well, for me, it is, I mean, before COVID, obviously part of my morning routine. I got a workout in the gym, right. And then, after the gym, I got down into the sauna, in the steam room cold shower. I shower, I just walk over to like the lounge or whatever, my journal and stuff. And I just remember walking over just feeling like, Ah, so on point so sharp, kind of like that limitless stroke, right? Boom. And I’d leave the gym, and I’d be walking out the dog to start my day with you guys and just feel so clear. And so focused and just boom, like nothing, was going to stop me. I didn’t, and you don’t realize until something’s gone right and obviously in lockdown here. The shower isn’t cold enough where we used to live and had no sauna. So now we’ve got the sauna, and it was only a couple of past few days. I’ve been doing it, and I’m like, remembering how I used to feel. So yeah, for me, it’s just a game-changer.

Doug Holt  2:11  

All right, I’m going to put an order in. I’m going to get my powerful man credit card out and make sure it happens. Excellent. Awesome. I got a space wired for a sauna when an electrician came in and had a separate breaker and everything else. So we’ll have to get it.

Tim Matthews  2:30  

You’ve got the snow where you are as well. You can outside roll around, get back and get out.

Doug Holt  2:35  

Well, we have one of the guys who is an alumnus who was in The Brotherhood who lives by me, and he had ordered, and I was looking at it too, and I was going to do the same thing. But a barrel sauna. So the barrel sauna, for those that don’t know, is like the original sauna structure. It looks like a giant wind barrel tipped over on its side. And wood burning. Right. So you got to put wood in. 

Tim Matthews  2:56  

Oh, yeah.

Doug Holt  2:58  

Yeah. And these are the ones that you’re going to find in the Nordic countries, right? A lot of studies have been going through there, and so he’s also got right now he’s got like they’re called feeding troughs I’m sure something else but feeding tanks that he has he does ice baths in, so he’s got platform bill overlooks the mountains gonna is it’s gonna be sick. I was told I have a guarantee to use anytime I want. However, just something about either coming down to your own space like you’re doing. Or walking out my master bedroom, walks out to a private porch and balcony overlooks the National Forest. And I can walk down those stairs and put one there if I want one outside or inside. 

Tim Matthews  3:44  

Well, just you’re gonna love it. I think you’re going to enjoy it. He’ll be in there every day.

Doug Holt  3:50  

Well, yeah, I’m sure I will. I’m sure my wife will be in there as well. She is so sore right now from working out. It’s hilarious. 

Tim Matthews  3:59  

I’ll tell you what I was getting at Amelia is like, Why are you getting that? That’s such so stupid. So waste of money. Stupid. You will not use it, and I’m not listening. I am getting this thing. I was adamant. Anyway, I got it. Put it up. Guess who’s now having a sauna every day?

Doug Holt  4:16  

Oh, yeah, of course, the way it is. This is funny because that kind of brings us to our topic today. Right? We’re talking about meeting your wife’s needs. And You and I were talking offline about meeting your wife’s needs without discussing it. But most women, the majority, one of their top needs. We talk about love languages, there are five love languages, but the top one is quality time. Right? It’s in the top two. It’s not always number one, but it is typically one of the top needs. And we look at the quality time the keyword with that is not time. It’s quality, so what I want to talk about today, Tim, is that many guys miss what causes the downward spiral in marriage? People talk about this as much as how you make the 80/20 rule is what I think of it. Where again, for those who aren’t familiar with it, where 20% of your inputs get 80% of your results, your outputs, right? How can you do that with quality time with your wife and with your family?

Tim Matthews  5:25  

Yeah, when you said about this topic, I wasn’t too sure whether you were talking about the training that I’m taking the guys in The Brotherhood, but now I realize it’s about the Facebook post in the group, right, that Franco put that when he asked the question.

Doug Holt  5:41  

Nope.

Tim Matthews  5:43  

I coincidentally thought of it. 

Doug Holt  5:45  

Yeah. 

Tim Matthews  5:46  

Well, yeah, actually, cuz Frank asked a question. And in the Facebook group about love languages and how helpful the beam. And my response was, it was great to know Amelia’s love language of quality time. They also left a lot to be desired. Like knowing that, and you speak into it now. And you talk about quality because there’s so much that feeds into it, in my opinion, from how you show up in that time. Right? For that, we spoke about being the CFO, we spoke about how you lead, and there’s a lot there that I think it’s really important to touch on, which we sure we will, that goes towards like you said that 8020 of making that time, just that quality. Well, I

Doug Holt  6:31  

I think that’s just it, right. What I’m going to relate here is a story that I experienced that I’m wondering if some of the guys might also relate to. As much as I like to think I’m unique. I’m not always. But I distinctly remember my wife when I found out her love language is quality time. These are early days, really early on in our relationship. I would come to sit on the couch with her, but I bring my laptop, I bring work, and things of that nature. And I’d be stressed and anxious at the time. I was running three companies, right—one core company and two others on the side. And so I was trying to spend time with her, but my mind was elsewhere. Right? It wasn’t with her. But I was physically there. And so I sat down and had a conversation with her after some time, like months of doing this, and not figuring out what], I was anxious, because that’s not what I wanted to do. I wasn’t doing my own thing. I wasn’t getting my needs met, my cup filled, but I was just trying to give her quality time because I knew it was important to her. And she said, Look, I would rather have one night, one night would just fully be all of you than to have five nights where you’re just kind of here. 

And it hit me I was like, whoa. I mean, I don’t have to be overnight. Yeah. Is that cool? 20% of my time. But what I learned from that, and I still carry today, even with my kids and being a father, and in friendships, is that idea of being present, right? And the concept of being present. Everybody’s heard it. Right, you know, your present is your presence. We’ve heard it this way, but it’s hard to make that sound. And so how can you meet your wife’s needs by being extra present. And for me, this is getting grounded, grounded in who you are as a man and standing in your power so you can deflect the stress, the worries, the outside influences the habitual behaviors of checking your phone and doing other things. Instead of being present. Right? We see this nowadays, Tim? Yet with COVID being around, so many people meeting via zoom, right? Haven’t we all been in zoom meetings? You’re like, yep, Tim’s reading something out. Tim’s looking down, checking his phone, you can see the shoulders moving. So you know that he’s texting, or Arthur is looking at another computer screen, or whoever it is, we see it, right? We can’t even stay focused during a short zoom meeting, let alone when our partner, right, we come home tired, or we’re at home, we’re tired, it’s been a long day, etc. We’ve given the best of ourselves to work. And then our partner wants some of us some parts of us when we can’t stay focused than at the dinner table or wherever else it may be. So what I want to talk about today is that situation, but how do you get out of it? Right? How do you say to get out of it? But how do you progress in a different direction, whereas you’re able to meet your wife’s needs, in this case, the need for quality time and still maintain your desires and fill your cup taking care of yourself in a modern society a modern way?

Tim Matthews  9:54  

You’re talking about how you structure the quality times that your needs are still taken care of. I’m the wife. 

Doug Holt  10:01  

Yeah. How can you structure it? I’m talking about all. How can you, a, structure your time, which is one thing you need to do, two, is how do you put the habits in place? So the alpha decompression would be one. The alpha Rise and shine, I think, is also equally necessary. Then three, is like, what exactly do you do? A lot of guys just don’t know what to do during that time. It’s like, okay, quality time, what the hell does that mean? What do you mean by quality time? I want to do stuff. I want to go out, conquer the world, have fun, or watch a movie on Netflix. What does it mean, quality time?

Tim Matthews  10:40  

It’s funny it reminds me of Amelia, and I was talking yesterday. And we’re talking about actually talking about “sexy tanks” they are. I love thank you and Erin. And anyway, part of it was cool. So what has to happen for yours to be full? And she was talking about, and she needs adventure, but the kind of adventure where it feels not life-threatening. And the reason why she said this was because of quality time, as you know, we went into the mountains on Sunday, right? Yep. And I’m doing the mountain lead training. So part of that means coming up with roots, and you’re planning them out and all the rest of it, which by default means taking risks as well, which for me, I love, like a risky adventure. But for her, she was like, I don’t want that risky adventure. So, to your point, how do you do this? I think like you said, for sure. I think the Alpha Rise & Shine decompression is good. But I think equality is important as you’ve said before, it shows me a calendar, I’ll show your priorities. So, where is that time in the calendar in the week where you plan out the quality time? 

Because it’s kind of like an important business meeting, right? Would you just rock up to it? How would you prepare? Would you have some agenda items? Would you know what you want to get out of the meeting? Would you know where you’re going to direct it? Chances are, you’re going to be prepared, right? Because it’s important, you know where it wants to go. So same with this day, it’s the same with the quality time, there’s got to be an element of preparation. And I speak for myself because when I’ve just rocked up to it, thinking that I know what to do or thinking that I can just pull it off. Honestly, I’ll take just half-ass it. I mean, I’m there, my phone’s aware. But we’re not really both engaged in something that we’re connecting about. Right? Hey, changes, sometimes Amelia just wants to chill. Other times we’ll go for a walk or times we’ll do something else. But yeah, I think one of the points is making sure you prep it.

Doug Holt  13:01  

Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. But I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing? Like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it. I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using; we’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you and go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/fBonus right away. Now let’s get back to the show. Yeah, I think definitely, definitely want to prep it, especially in the beginning, right? Because if you’re not doing this, what can happen if your wife’s love language is quality time in our top two, so to speak? You have been doing it for a while, guys. Let’s be real. You probably created distance, you’ve created a gap in the relationship, probably not having sexy time, her sexy tank especially, is depleted. 

So definitely plan it cuz you’re out of practice, right? Just like you would anything else. So plan that meeting. The second thing I would say is before you do your quality time, so let’s say you plan it on Wednesday at 5 pm. Whatever, right, or it’s Saturday during the weekend, is make sure you put yourself to do two things. One is you’ve created space before that time to decompress and make sure you have the shit done that you need to get done. So you’re not stressing about it. That’s email that’s work, whatever it is, kids, you can be focused and present. The second thing, right, and by the way for that, the alpha decompression is amazing. Okay, guys, if you haven’t gotten it, your Alpha decompression is where it’s at. We just need to decompress. We need to switch; just like leaving a dojo, you bow right to say you’re done with the marshall need that decompression routine.

Tim Matthews  15:02  

Looks, like a valve, right? When the pressure is current, you need to release that valve. 

Doug Holt  15:08  

Yep, my wife would always say, you’re always bringing work home. She was talking about physical work either, right? Because that’s all you think about, it’s all you’re talking about, etc. So that’s one. The second thing here, I say it’s Wednesday or Saturday, whatever it is, you’ve created that space, you’ve decompressed. Now I can go into this if you need to get into your power, right? You need to claim your energy and be strong in your anchoring. So you can be present. Right? What does the present mean? Well, you’re not worried about past stories, past things past that the other, right, because the past memories in the past, you can’t change them. And you don’t want to worry about the future, what’s going on in your business, right? What’s going to happen here, where you’re going to do, or you’re going to get laid tonight, etc., etc. Just be and to do that, you need to get your power, do anchoring, teach many things. For the alumni listening to this guy’s in The Brotherhood in particular, which is our One Year Mastermind program, you guys should know some of these things you want to get anchored in, right? Anchored into where you are into your center, use your magic dust, right, so some of the guys that have been to The Alpha Reset, you got an endless supply from either Tim and me. These are things that you want to do right before you go in so you can be fully present. And here’s the secret guys, the cool friggin thing here is 80/20, right? If you can do this 20%, 20% of the time, they know of your time and spend that you’re going to produce 80% results, that 80% of the results will translate into the bedroom. Right? Higher quality sex, you don’t have to do this every night. Right? If you do this on a Wednesday, that quality time if you do it right, it’s gonna be so special, and it’s going to carry over Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, right? You can do it that way. And be present and be impactful. But as Tim said, you want to plan it. And then you want to decompress as well. And you want to stand in your power.

Tim Matthews  17:10  

Hmm, I love that. I love that. Yeah, so true, right when you can do it once a week, and it just has a carry-on effect. It’s interesting because women’s arousal, as you know, takes time to stock it right. It’s not like it’s not very different to men’s; men’s is just like, responsive. 

Doug Holt  17:31  

They say a guy’s like a microwave, a woman’s like a slow boil. Right?

Tim Matthews  17:35  

Yeah. And let’s say that intimacy is one of the things you want to improve in your relationship, specifically sex, right, because intimacy takes many forms. And yeah, men’s arousal is responsive. So as you can imagine, we respond to something pretty quickly as well. For the most part, women are very different. Like you said, the slow boil. So the point I’m making here is the effect that this time can have because it can do a lot of the heavy lifting when you do it, right. Then, throughout the week, between the next time, you can just kind of stoke the fires. This quality time can get the fire burning. It’s like putting the logs in, and it’s like you’re getting that fire going. And then over the next few days, you just add a little bit of kindling, and then it’ll just keep warm, it’ll keep off. And then the next time it comes around, you add a little bit more wood and the fires even bigger than it was before. It has a great effect when you do it. Right. So I think what you’re saying here, making sure you have disconnected from work, you’ve taken care of the things you want to get done. You can decompress hugely. And there are different ways you can structure the time, right? I think it’s important to understand what’s important to your wife because honestly, I didn’t know that adventure was important. 

To me, I kind of did, based on what we’ve done in the past. It was only through having conversations with her that I started to understand this. And obviously, we have two dogs, right. So in terms of kids, in terms of quality time together, if I want to stoke the fire, I’m going to do my best to make sure that during that time with an object of each other’s attention, I completed it is not like we’re out walking the dogs. You know, we both got one dog each, and we’re looking after the dog, and you know, wants to be the object of each other’s attention completely. So ideally, we’d leave the dogs. Oh, right. And we got together, and we’d go for a walk on the beach or whatever together. Just her and I, ideally some of it might involve us in the opposite one another were able to look each other directly in the eye, and maybe we’ll go for a walk and Have some lunch or a picnic, and we sit down and opposite each other. So subtle differences, because then we could do the same thing. But in terms of stoking the fire and getting it burning, it’s going to be very different without the dogs versus with the dogs.

Doug Holt  20:20  

Your dogs, most people’s kids Yeah. And it is going to be very different with that. And what you’re doing, there’s also just basic connection time, guys, we look at quality time. So some of us have established routines with our wives, where it’s coffee, first thing in the morning, before the kids get up having a cup of coffee and espresso or whatever it may be. We’re sitting down, just relaxing, and kind of waking up together and sharing. This is also, guys, a great time; like Tim was talking about the slow boil or what have you, it’s a great time to set the tone for The Brotherhood what will happen at night, or perhaps that morning, right? You’re setting the tone of what’s going on with the presence, right that quality time, that’s easy to do. And you don’t have to do it every day, I only do it a few days a week, where I’ll sit down, I’ll do a check-in almost every morning, but an actual sit down and have a coffee with my wife and just connect. And a lot of times, that leads to sex, right? It’s just that connection time that’s there, which is fantastic. And again, to Tim’s point, we’re looking at quality time as you build this out. I know a lot of you guys are in situations where the marriage isn’t working as well as you would like it to be right. 

You’ve lost that loving feeling that admiration, the respect, and things that are there. Maybe this isn’t the time to be like, Hey, what do you want to be? What do you need your love tank to be? Think back to things that you guys did early on that you loved for my wife and me; we used to work out together all the time, right? That was something that we were connected to adventure and the outdoors. My wife, kind of like Amelia, doesn’t want the life-threatening stuff. But she does want to get close to that edge. And she wants to go way out of the backcountry. So we try to do that the best we can with kids, right? We do some kind of adventure every week. And that’s why I live next to the National Forest. And things of that nature, you want to try to add those in. But there’s a different season, right? We’re in for all of us guys. To start with, making it easy for yourself and going back to the basics, plan. I’m gonna do it Wednesday, and I’m gonna do it Saturday, write up quality time, get decompressed, take the time necessary the day before or an hour before to make sure you have everything off your plate. Tell people if you need to tell people, right? So if you’re managing a lot of staff, or what have you, like Wednesday, from 3 pm, or whatever it is for you to seven out or only call me but only call me if she gets burned down. Right. And if you call me for anything else, I’m gonna kill you. 

And then the second thing is standing your power. Get ready. Right. For many people, it’s a ritual that helps you do it, and it’s creating an anchor. If you don’t know what anchoring is, you know, asking the Facebook group, maybe that’s the easiest place to ask questions from these things. But if we want to create that charge. Now, a trick you can do that we’ve taught some of the guys a couple of the guys in the inner circle, which is one of our highest programs that we do for men way beyond The Brotherhood is we can do is take a moment when you know you’re gonna do connection time you’re not connected, get up and go to the bathroom. It’s not unusual; you don’t have to do anything in the bathroom. You can have things that we’ve taught some of the guys that you can actually set anchors and get back into the mode. Because once you get out of it energetically, she can feel it. Right. So now you want to shift the environment and your energy, an easy way to do it. Just get up and go to the bathroom. There’s nothing weird about that. And come back as solid rock-solid as a man as possible. And get right back into it.

Tim Matthews  23:56  

We’ve had guys in The Brotherhood, right? I’ve gone to the bathroom phone with The Brotherhood saying, help me out.

Doug Holt  24:07  

That’s why it’s The Brotherhood, right? It truly is a brotherhood of amazing men. And as I was just talking about that yesterday, but we’re digressing a little bit here. It’s fantastic. But guys, these are things you can do right now. And today. These are practical applications. So what I want you guys to do is try this, right. If you don’t know your wife’s love language, let’s make some assumptions at quality times there. Right? Everybody likes some good quality time. What I want you to do is try this. As Tim was saying on the calendar, pick a day, then what I want you to do also is the schedule that decompression. If you have the alpha decompression worksheet, make sure you go through that or do something different depending on what you’re doing. And then stand in your power right and be present for 20 minutes, right try shoot for 20 minutes of just pure raw presence and get up and leave if you need to and try that at least Three times three times is what I’m asking you guys. And then I want you to report back over to the Facebook group. Let us know how it went, right? And we can build on this, guys. This is what we’re here for.

Tim Matthews  25:10  

I love that great suggestion.

Doug Holt  25:13  

All right, gentlemen, that’s a wrap for us. Remember, make sure you’re being present. Make sure, as always, you’re doing the work that the 80-20 principle carries over to a lot of areas, but you got to do the work. And we can’t do that lifting for you. Gentlemen, what I love you guys do if it’s your first time with us. Go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus. That’s ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus; grab that reignite cheat sheet. We’re going to be taking that down soon. So if you want it, go over and get it down. Go ahead and get it as soon as possible. And if you’ve been with us for a little while, I’d love for you to leave a comment and honest review wherever you’re catching this. Until next time, we’ll see you on the Alpha Man show.