Revisit: What To Do When Your Wife’s Checked Out

Episode #316

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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt  0:00  

It would help if you worked on yourself because you can’t see the beauty in someone else until you see the beauty in yourself, like truly see the beauty in someone else. So if you continuously have negative self-talk, picking on yourself, I’m too fat, whatever getting mad at yourself, you’re not going to be able to appreciate the beauty of your status truly. Like she’ll know it, she’ll know that you’re not secure inside. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, “The Powerful Man,” Matthews.

Tim Matthews  0:36  

Very well, very well, indeed.

Doug Holt  0:39  

How do you know? I know it started as a joke when I started calling you The Powerful Man Matthew. And I love how it’s continued. In fact, It’s interesting that you get hurt if I don’t say it at this point. 

Tim Matthews  0:51  

Yeah. It’s my only point of significance in the week, Doug.

Doug Holt  0:56  

There you go.

Tim Matthews  0:58  

It’s like taking away a bottle from a newborn baby. It’s taken away. However, you feed it. It’s not nice.

Doug Holt  1:07  

However, you feed it. That’s awesome. Tim, you brought up a topic before we hit record. As we usually do, you and I spend, you know, 5-10 minutes just chatting back and forth. But you brought up something that you heard from one of the guys that you thought might be relevant to the guys that are listening. What was that?

Tim Matthews  1:30  

Yeah, I don’t know about you guys. I mean, I’ve been in this position myself. Even with Amelia at times, my relationship with Amelia is, God, so much better than any other relationship I’ve had. Still, this happens from time to time and is what to do when your wife checks out, like emotionally, and this is more so about although whatever it means to you when your wife checks out whether she ignores you when you walk in the door on an evening after a busy day of work. Whether you guys become like roommates and you exchange niceties and spend the evening on your phones, you’re not engaging with one another. Maybe she’s checked out and said, look, I want to be with you, but this literally happened to a guy. Look, I don’t want to be with you, but right now, with Coronavirus, you can’t move out. So we haven’t told the kids yet, but I found somebody else. He wants to win her back. But she is checked out. She is gone. Now that checkout can neither be momentary, it can be a little bit longer, or it can be she’s gone. I’m doing I still love you. But I can’t be with you. This was one of the worst painful things you can hear as a guy, especially if you love the woman. And she’s the mother of your kids. So I just wanted to dive into this a little bit Doug. I think let’s take two approaches here. Let’s share a little bit of what happens to why what leads to the women checking out. So hopefully, you guys are listening. Maybe they can see some signs if it’s happening with them. And then why it’s happening. And the third bit how they can recover it from that point. Even these guys who have had their wives say, hey, look, I love you, but I can’t be with you. I checked out because we have guys who have recovered their positions, right?  Even though they check out the cold shoulder or get into bed, the wife rolls over and faces either. How do you go from check out to check-in?

Doug Holt  3:39  

Great, well, I mean, this will be a lot longer than going to be able to cover in a podcast, but we’ll go over some of the basics here. So how does that happen? The right was your first question, I believe. And what happens is that you have to remember to go back to the beginning when you guys first met, and you’re pursuing, or she was pursuing you perhaps. And how in love you were, how when you were near each other was just electricity, and how much time you spent thinking about each other messaging each other, maybe text messages, emails, calls, whatever it may be. And when you were with her, time stopped. Right? And you looked into her eyes. Now my guess is for this guy. These guys and all you guys listening are just the opposite. Right? You hardly spend time together. And you’re more like roommates at this point. And so what happens, Tim, in which one is we take each other for granted, right in this case, or we’ll talk about the guy’s perspective, or what we do. We take our wives and our spouses for granted. We stopped telling them how beautiful they look. We stopped noticing their haircuts, their nails, the way they dress. We stopped complimenting them on the way they look. It’s like I used to joke about it when I was in college because there are only so many ways you could cook chicken. It’s still chicken, and it doesn’t taste good after a while. But that happens. What I meant by that, then and then,  20 years plus years later at this point, is that we have to find variety in there; you have to find the nuances in the relationship. And if you’ve let that die, then you’ve lost that connection and intimacy. And for women, intimacy is much more than just physical sex, and they’re looking for intimacy outside the bedroom. You know, they say that foreplay usually starts even a day in advance, if not hours and hours before you’re actually physically touching for a woman. 

And the men have lost that. And as they’ve lost that intimacy, the woman has lost within her, her femininity, and her desire as well. So the woman needs to be desired. That means the man has to desire her. And once that’s gone away, and the woman doesn’t feel desired she filters, and she starts to crumble. And she withers. With withers is the word I was looking for her weather with the inside of herself. And when that happens, and she wakes up and realizes that she’s been withering, so to speak, and slowly dying as a woman, then she’s going to step out, she’s going to look at you and say, That’s the problem. You guys will take more space, and then she’s going to look outside the relationship, right to fulfill those needs to fulfill that desire. And it really only takes one guy, a clerk, a cashier, someone at work, or trainers at the gym, or somebody just noticing her because you have forgotten to notice her. You haven’t taken the time, and you care about her; you love her. But you’ve stopped doing those little things you used to do and taking care of her and letting her know that she is your woman. She is the most beautiful woman in the world. And you stopped cherishing and honoring her. And so she’s looked outward for that.

Tim Matthews  6:54  

Okay, so I’m not going to. I touched on it a little bit right with what you can do when she’s checked out. But let’s say that she’s checked out. Like this guy, for instance, his wife literally did that. She then decided that she wanted to be with somebody who was actually a friend. He knew her. He knew him rather.

Doug Holt  7:18  

That’s usually the case. Proximity.

Tim Matthews  7:22  

Yeah. So let’s say that they’re in that position. I even incline, right? Because most guys will say, my wife would never do that. She never had an affair. But guys, listen to this. Let’s invite you to play with this concept for a minute and consider, okay, well, now what if my wife was to be paid attention to by somebody else? Let’s say that she was to respond for a moment, and she was starting to get the attention that she craves and that she deserves. And she’s starting to pull away. Most guys will feel it anyway, when the woman’s pulling away, certain things. She’ll stop talking to you about how her day was, and she’ll stop offloading lots of different things. 

Doug Holt  8:16  

I’ll say most guys will feel it. But they’ll feel six months too late.

Tim Matthews  8:23  

Yeah. So guys, let’s put that six-month period down there. Maybe it’ll help me, you guys. So let’s assume that for a moment, you’re there. Doug. Let’s assume these guys at that. They’ve been given the news that hey, you know what, I’m done. I’m done. I love you. But I can’t be with you. I’ve found someone else I’ve checked out in that position, the most extreme, if you will, position. Wise advice. Let’s say we’re working with these guys. Why advice in summary, really? Would you be able to recover that point?

Doug Holt  9:00  

Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it? I totally get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus to discover the system that other businessmen just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies of ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you. Go over to ThePowerfulMan.com/Bonus right away. Now let’s get back to the show. 

There are several things, and I’m going to sound like a broken record here, but you need to work on yourself because you can’t see the beauty in someone else until you see the beauty in yourself, like truly seeing the beauty in someone else. So if you constantly have negative self-talk, picking on yourself, being too fat, whatever, getting mad at yourself, you’re not going to be able to appreciate beauty truly. Have your spouse as she’ll know it. She’ll know that you’re not secure inside. So let’s assume that you’ve overcome that hurdle. Maybe you’ve gone to The Alpha Reset or something to get to that level. And then what you get to do is add to your Alpha Rise & Shine program, your morning routine, you know, some gratitude for your wife. So I’m going to recommend 10 acts of gratitude and listing 10 acts of gratitude about your spouse, every single day, every day consistently, for a minimum of 30 days. For most of you guys, it’s going to be 90 days or longer, ten things every day that you’re grateful for and that you love about your spouse. And the reason this is Tim, this is going to reflect in your actions. The energetic output that you’re giving to your spouse, she’s going to feel and sense this, right, all of a sudden, she’s going to become nicer, all of a sudden, she’s going to become more beautiful, all of a sudden, she’s going to be a better person. And really, the only thing that’s changed is your perception, thus your energy, and that she’s going to receive that, right, it’s like magnets, you know, you want to get in the same vibration if you want to call it that for attraction. And the next thing you want to do is date her. 

Date her, imagine your life did leave and you want to get her back, how would you act? Well, you would call her up, you would flirt with her, you take her out on dates, right? You plan a nice evening movie, you know, you’d be trying to get laid, you would really do pull out all the stops to win her back. So I’m going to suggest you do that before she leaves. Could you do that before she walks out the door? So you don’t have to fight to get her back. But yet you go into a deeper state of intimacy or go into a deeper state of love and connection than you are currently. Right. Something else that I do is a game I play with for myself. I’ll do it with my wife. And I’ll actually do it with the staff too, if I’ll give three compliments a day—three genuine compliments. So am I. I’m going to use you as an example. This practice from you, you’d have not received this practice from me. So we’re only talking about people that you’re worried will leave your life, not people you want. But if it was you, I may say like

Tim Matthews  12:20  

I might take that person for granted.

Doug Holt  12:22  

Yeah. But I might say something along the lines of Hey, man, and you got a lot of great energy today. I love how much positivity you brought to the team, and the staff meeting today was absolutely awesome. Right, that’s a genuine compliment that Tim can receive. Right. And that’s going to add up over time, and it’s going to parlay into our relationship over time as well. And I might go into something else, like, you know, I love The Powerful Man polo you’re wearing, it’s crisp, it’s black, it looks smooth, and it matches your, your hat. So you guys get the idea. So you want to go for those three compliments every single day, make sure they’re genuine. And there’s going to be days where you’re like, I can’t come up with one. You know, so one of the ones you can use, it’s an easy one. It’s like, I love the way you raise our kids. Or I love the fact, and I’m thankful that you gave birth to our children, or I’m thankful that, you know, you know, I think back when we first started dating, of how much we laugh together, and I really love that. So you can come up, we can come up with something like that. But something current is always good to write. It’s the best. You know, I love the way you smile; it really lights up my day. It’s easy to do. Now, if you’re doing the inner work and you’re concurrent with yourself, this makes it really easy. And if you’re not, this gives you good practice to do for yourself. So I’m going to have you double down and ten things you’re grateful for by your spouse, but ten things you’re grateful about yourself, as well. Now you have 20, and it’s going to take a little bit more time. So make sure it’s in your calendar, right. But this is going to change your entire outlook; what’s going to happen is you’re going to become sexier, you’re going to become all of a sudden better looking to your spouse. And there are no weight loss supplements or magic pills that you need to take. It’s just your energetic return. We’ve all seen this guy. You’ve all seen a beautiful woman with a guy who is on a scale of one to 10 for the difference. Was he rich? It was how he carried himself. He made her laugh, feel special. It’s who he was on the inside and how he made people around them feel. All of us have that power. It’s a matter of tapping into ourselves. And that comes through actually really loving yourself and being secure with who you are as a man.

Tim Matthews  14:30  

I’m a lover, and I’m going to tell you one thing to avoid. And it’s the mistake that many men make a cell for so long for the 510 15 years in the lead up to landing in this position where your wife has said, Hey, I love you, but I can’t be with you. You know, the pendulum has been so focused on business usually anyway. You know, if you’re familiar with the show, then obviously you’ll know it speaks about outside, outside in living versus inside out and how the no outside is back to front and have nothing left for the other territories, like your relationships because you’re so focused on business. So you know, in that, in that place, the winner with the five agonies is no man’s land. The focus is very much on business, and right the pendulum is swung all the way over to the right-hand side web business is. When you hear I love you, budge can’t be with you like this is the Oh, shit moment. And the pendulum swings all the way to the left-hand side and goes and focuses on winning your wife back. And it’s usually in that place that you can take the risk of coming across something quite inauthentic because you can start becoming needy, you start, you know, hey, what time do you finish work there, I’m going to pick you up. And you arrive, and you arrive with flowers and like, hey, let’s go into debt. And she’s like, Huh, this is weird. Who is this guy? He comes across as being very inauthentic and needy, just because you need her right. And most guys think that this will actually win her back because you’re showing her how much you love and how much you care. But it usually does the opposite actually pushes her further away because she has given you a massive prod to say, Hey, I love you. But I can’t be with you like this, and your foundation has then crumbled. One of the reasons she’s given you the product said, Hey, I love you, but I can’t be with you like this because she isn’t feeling a leadership from you. 

So then, when you come across the pendulum all the way to the left-hand side, sacrificing such a big part of who you are in business, you solidify her idea that she can trust you. You are not a man that can lead her. Therefore she is not safe to say. So there’s a balance between all the way on the right-hand side of the business and the left-hand side. Imagine the pendulum lands in the middle. And kind of like those stress relief balls, they tick across from side to side, right, they stay within a wrench, you can stay within that wrench, you know, even just swinging down from the right-hand side to the midway point is enough, because then you can create these date nights that Doug was saying and give these compliments from a place of authenticity without needing anything in return. And it’s when you don’t need anything in return, such as the acknowledgment or the approval, or the security that hey, she’s not going to leave, you’re not going to leave, you’re not going to leave. Because I bet that that guy, that nerdy guy like, Hey, don’t leave that isn’t the guy she fell in love with right now. So Exactly. So you become a guy that again, she didn’t she wasn’t attracted to in the first place, which the neediness makes you even more even less attractive, less desirable to her. And you want him to spark that desire, of course. So just some things to consider. Right? And you know, the whole checking out it might just have been for last night maybe you got in a maybe uni you said a sharp word. You stopped the kids because you had been, you know, isolated all day, whatever, quarantined all day, and maybe you just checked out last night, and maybe you slept on the sofa, she slept on the bed, you went to bed, let’s separate times. And you’ve woken up, and maybe it’s a little bit frosty. You can adopt these principles now. You can swing that pendulum to the middle now. You can make the journey now and recover it. The same principles would apply obviously if it’s further down, but the best time to use these principles is before there is a problem.

Doug Holt  18:52  

Yeah, well, it’s exactly like you know, my wife and I are doing a relationship course right now; you and your spouse, your partner, I should say, are doing a course on intimacy right now with a coach. I learned a long time ago, and you and I talked about Tim. Suppose you sharpen the saw before. You need to use the saw, so to speak with you with your game. Taking action before you need to take action is a much better place to be as a business is the same idea. Right now, with COVID-19 or Coronavirus going around, those people who have smart financials and alternative revenue streams are doing great. They’re taking advantage of opportunities. Those that are panicking and scrambling are getting screwed, and they’re probably not going to be around. It’s the same with your relationships. Take action now. Take action before you need to, but if you need to, definitely double down and take action. This is the time to get it done. And do it right.

Tim Matthews  19:50  

Mm-hmm. Very true.

Doug Holt  19:53  

Gentlemen, if you’d like more information on this and how other men have done it themselves, go over to TheActivationMethod that’s TheActivationMethod where you can

Tim Matthews  20:03  

The Alpha Reset calm. This is why I’m here.

Doug Holt  20:10  

All right, Billy. All right, go back. Guys, if you find yourself in the same situation, you’d like to learn more about how other men have done it before, go over to AlphaReset. That’s The Alpha Reset, where you can see Tim, “The Powerful Man” Matthews himself, deliver a few pieces of training as well as the option to get on a call with one of our master coaches. Guys, that’s it for us today. Remember, take action on what you’ve heard, and have an amazing day. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man show.