Revitalizing Relationships: Leadership, Polarity, and Personal Growth

Episode #1168

What does polarity actually mean in a relationship? Is it about taking control, or is it something much simpler?

In this episode of The TPM Show, Tim Matthews sits down with Lawrence Davis to unpack one of the most misunderstood topics in relationships. They explore why so many men confuse leadership with control, how being the nice guy can quietly weaken connection, and what it really looks like to create trust, attraction, and emotional safety.

Through honest stories from Lawrence's own marriage and personal growth, you'll hear how small shifts like making decisions, initiating conversations, speaking up when something feels off, and staying present can completely change the dynamic of a relationship. The conversation also dives into why knowing yourself is the foundation of leadership, how to stop avoiding difficult conversations, and why enjoying being yourself creates far more connection than trying to be the man you think someone else wants.

If you've ever wondered how to bring more confidence, presence, and authenticity into your relationship without pretending to be someone you're not, this episode gives you practical insights you can start applying today.

Get your free book today at https://thepowerfulman.com/free-book-bundle and discover practical tools to strengthen your relationship, become a more grounded man, and create lasting connection starting now.

Transcription

Lawrence 0:00

Polarity. What is polarity? Let's talk a bit more about polarity. I need to get clear on that.

Tim Matthews 0:04

Just say what you see, and you can call out wonderful things.

Lawrence 0:09

Where I was being the nice guy, and there was a lack of polarity in the marriage.

Tim Matthews 0:13

Presence is the number one thing.

Lawrence 0:16

See, and I'm awake and I'm alert in our relationship, and I'm feeling this.

Tim Matthews 0:19

Awake. I love that. "I'm awake and I'm alert." That's one of the key pieces.

Lawrence 0:23

I really wanted to lead.

Tim Matthews 0:25

That is leadership. Leadership is to initiate masculinity and leadership, and polarity is just the enjoyment of being you.

Hey guys, welcome to another episode of The TPM Show. I am your host, Tim Matthews, joined by my guest, Lawrence "Wildcard" Davis.

Lawrence 0:53

Thanks, Tim. It's wonderful to be here.

Tim Matthews 0:54

It is. It is. It is.

So, guys, in case you don't know, Lawrence has been in the movement for a few years. Again, not going to dive into his story—he was on the last episode, he's done quite a few episodes. So, if you want to find out more about him, there's a lot of stuff there. And he has another topic for us:

Lawrence 1:14

Polarity. Polarity. What is polarity? Let's talk a bit more about polarity. I need to get clear on that. This would help me, too.

Tim Matthews 1:23

Okay. What... why you? Why did you come up with this topic?

Lawrence 1:26

I came up with this topic, I think, because I think it's a really important topic to have, and it's so important in relationships.

I've come from a marriage where I was being the nice guy, and there was a lack of polarity in the marriage, you know, because it was very much kind of trying not to rock the boat and being the nice guy. And the marriage ended a couple of years ago, and now I'm in... I'm recreating myself as a lover and as a person in relationships. And I'm finding how important polarity is, and how much it affects everything, and how actually easy it is to create if you just equip yourself with some simple tools.

Tim Matthews 2:20

So paint the picture then, before and after. So what I'm hearing you say is before, in the marriage, sounds like there was a lack of polarity.

Lawrence 2:29

So we had many years where I was white-knighting it. I was trying to heal her hurts and become, you know, everything to her and be everything. And because she'd gone through some difficult times in her childhood and was quite traumatized, and I was very... a bit like we were talking on the last episode, we were just talking about not wanting to rock the boat and putting your wife on a pedestal.

And I was very much in that frame of mind until I listened to the Erotic Blueprints Masterclass at TPM, and that's where I started to explore a little bit more about polarity and a little bit more about my sexual blueprint and what that was.

And from that, I had a discussion with my wife, and we talked a little bit about the bedroom and how it would be... it had been quite desolate for quite a long time, and how we worked. Neither of us were really getting much out of it. And I started to take a little bit of leadership and make some decisions inside and outside the bedroom, and, you know, pick a place to go for a date rather than asking where she would like to go.

And she really sort of responded well to that. She responded well to that. I mean, it wasn't enough to overcome all of our issues that we had, and unfortunately, the marriage ended. But at that moment, there was a period during the marriage where... and with that, I found really exciting, and it really fired my rockets.

And so, coming out of the marriage, that was when I sort of started to explore a little bit more about actually who am I and what do I want. And I really wanted to lead. I really felt like...

Tim Matthews 4:16

When you say "lead," what do you mean? It's a vague term where it gets thrown about a lot. What are some specific behaviors?

Lawrence 4:26

That's a really good question, actually. I think the key to leadership... what I discovered the key to leadership was, or one of them, was knowing what you actually wanted, knowing yourself. Because you can't really lead somebody on a path you're not on, and no one can follow you if you can't allow them to see you.

So part of the first part of leadership was getting clear on what I actually wanted, what I was looking for. What were my "fuck yeses" and what were my "hell noes"? What was on my "yes, no, or maybe" list, you know? So being clear on that, and then looking and saying, "Okay, I want someone to come with me on that journey. So, who do I want to come with me on that journey, and what should they be like?" And thinking about my ideal person.

And so, a leader without followers is just a guy taking a walk, right? So trying to think about the kind of person that I'd want to be with me on this journey.

So that was the first step, really, is getting clear on what I wanted. And what I wanted more than anything was to be the man, be the guy in charge, be the one responsible, but be the guy with the ideas—not be the guy sitting on the sofa saying, "Oh well, what do you want to do this weekend? You got anything planned? Or where should we go?" Or, you know, having to put all of that mental load and effort on your partner to say, "Well, I think we should do this, or I think we should do that." You know, it's too much.

So realizing that without the one end of the spectrum of polarity, the other one can't exist either. I think making sure that I led my own life. I got my own... the army expression is "shit in one sock." I got my own shit in one sock. I got everything sorted out, you know. Made sure I looked after my dog, and looked after my house, and cleaned things, and maybe became a bit OCD in the process. But, you know, making sure that things were right in my life, how I wanted them, and then inviting other people to come and join me in that.

And so that's what I mean by leadership.

Tim Matthews 6:39

So in the marriage, though, when you started to lead, what do you mean by that?

Lawrence 6:45

So I took charge a little bit more. Exactly what TPM teaches, really. I didn't... I didn't allow her... not "allow her." I made the decisions and said, "I'm going to go and do this. Do you want to come with me?" You know, and making some invitations and coming up with some ideas, and she really enjoyed that and thrived on that.

Tim Matthews 7:07

I love the idea of making invitations. What else?

Lawrence 7:13

Initiating. Initiating, I think, is important. Initiating interactions, initiating conversations.

One of the things I really found was key about leadership—and therefore creating polarity—was I would notice things before. I would notice things in the relationship that weren't quite right. There was just a feeling of offness, but I would ignore it and leave it and hope that it would go away and move on and talk about something else or whatever.

And I realized that leadership is about calling that out. And actually, I realized that if I was the one to call it out, the conversation would always go well. I'd say, "I've just noticed that things are a bit off. I feel like this is happening in our relationship, or I feel like you're not quite present when we're doing this, or you're scrolling on your phone a lot at night, and that makes me feel..."

So again, putting it on me. Not that scrolling with you is wrong, but "it's making me feel lonely." And opening those conversations up, because what I found very quickly was they're exactly the same emotions she's feeling, but she's the one... if it does get brought up, she's the one that has to bring it up, and that makes her feel like I'm not there—I'm absent because I'm not even aware of it.

Tim Matthews 8:31

I think one of the strengths of a lot of the guys that we work with—the guys in the movement—or one of the ways in which they like to see themselves is that they are easygoing. And I understand why, because, you know, so much of their life in business, for example, it's very structured and driven and all the rest of it. So it's nice at times to be easygoing.

While it can be a strength, it can also be a weakness, and it can become a weakness to a huge degree in your relationship, especially this piece here. Because I do believe the guys, in my experience of speaking with them, they're attuned. They can sense when something is off, and to your point, they just don't say it.

And it's the idea of saying what you see. Yes, just say what you see! And you can call out wonderful things as well as calling out curious, curious things: "Hey, I'm curious. What's... I'm picking up this. What's this about? What's that about? What's going on there?"

Not making assumptions, not making accusations, not using language like "I feel this," like you just said a minute ago. Not "You do this, you do that, you do the other."

But I really want to emphasize that point, because I don't think most men realize how easygoing they can be at times, and how that isn't what is wanted. If you want to be easygoing, go and be easygoing with your guys, with your guy friends. You know, hang out at the bar, have a beer, you know, whatever, shoot the shit, whatever you want to do, play golf. You know, be easygoing there—not in your relationship.

Lawrence 10:23

100%. 100%. What is... it still fascinates me, and I've still got so much to learn, but when you're not easygoing, when you do have some ideas, have some plans, have an understanding of what you want—like, "This weekend, I want to go out on my motorbike. I'm going to go and ride round Wales on my motorbike for four hours"—and you tell her that, it doesn't matter really whether it's positive or negative or it affects her. The fact that you know what you want and you're taking it creates safety.

And I find... I still find that I struggle... well, not I don't struggle with it, I just find it a revelation that it's not the kind of easygoing, "Yes, love, I'll do anything you want" thing that creates that safety: "Oh look, he's harmless." All that does is just puts them on edge! Like, "What does he actually want? What does he mean by that? What's he saying when he says that?"

And she's trying to have to think through seven layers of: "Are you actually being a nice guy, or are you actually saying...?"

If you say what you see, if she knows that when you say, "I'm feeling great about our relationship right now," or, "I want fish and chips for tea," whatever it is, it's what you actually mean. You're not just choosing fish and chips because you think it's what she wants, and that creates safety.

And I think it's really, really fundamentally important to have that honesty. Honesty is key because that creates trust, even if it's a negative thing. The partner I'm with now would much rather I turned around to her and said something that, you know, might affect our relationship, but I was the one that brought it up and I said it, than her having to second-guess and wonder and then come and ask me, because that puts all that mental load on her. So...

Tim Matthews 12:18

So polarity, leadership... like what again? Let me just go back to the top of the conversation. What were you thinking initially with it? Because I wanted to just pinpoint what you meant by leadership, because I think that's important, and pinpoint, well, why were you bringing this up?

So I think you make a good point. There's a contrast for me. I had my marriage where I can see ways in which I was trying to create it. I think it's good to kind of highlight that, because I think that's where a lot of guys will be. But now I've got a completely different experience of it outside of... well, in a different relationship where I'm intentionally and purposely creating it, and it's being received.

So again, let's keep the conversation going on the polarity piece, and tell me a little bit more.

Lawrence 13:01

Okay. I think the leadership piece in the marriage... I think I failed to lead my marriage for many years. And when I... even though I thought I was leading, I really wasn't. I think I couldn't because I'd lost my way. I'd lost who I was as a person, and I think that affected my children and their upbringing in small ways. You know, I have a great relationship with all my kids now, but I think...

Tim Matthews 13:41

What did that look like when you lost your way?

Lawrence 13:43

As a dad, I wasn't fully present. I was very immersed in the business, so physically I wasn't always there for a lot of things, a lot of times when I know my daughters and my son all needed me. I've got two daughters and a son—my son's in the middle—and I know that they needed me there more than I was.

I was too busy trying to succeed in business, and I wasn't there to lead in the home. And emotionally, because of my upbringing and the way I had perceived and taken on—whether it was actually given to me by anyone or whether the story I had in my head was—that emotions are weakness. And if you have an emotion, you're allowed either sadness or happiness or anger—you're not allowed anything else. And so I wasn't emotionally present for my wife or my children.

Tim Matthews 14:44

Sounds like you were quite passive.

Lawrence 14:45

Very, very passive. Very not wanting to rock the boat, not wanting to upset anyone, going with the flow, trying to...

Tim Matthews 14:55

Which, in that moment, there is no polarity, right? Instead, there's more of a neutrality, because polarity obviously is two opposites: masculine, feminine.

And obviously, we all have masculine and feminine energies within us. Yes, for a relationship to work and for there to be an attraction between two people, there needs to be that... well, that's where the saying "opposites attract" comes from, right? There needs to be that masculine energy.

It doesn't have to be... in our context, it's going to have to be brought by the guy, but in a general relational context of whatever relationship it may be—heterosexual, homosexual, whatever—there has to be polarity in the sense that one person is holding the space for and bringing the masculine energy, and one person is holding the space and bringing the feminine energy.

And within that, obviously, it creates the spark and the attraction, right? But the key is it's got to be there. And if you're passive, there's none at all, because then she has to play both roles. She can't be in her feminine, because she has to become more masculine.

And again, I think that piece about saying what you see, even for the guys that listen to this that have been in the movement years, I think that one particular nugget there is so huge. Because a lot of them, although they're doing a lot of the things really well from a masculinity perspective and creating polarity, I think that piece, they...

Lawrence 16:33

It's key.

Tim Matthews 16:34

Yeah, absolutely. I don't see them doing that as often as I think they could.

Lawrence 16:38

I think we talk a lot about our wives and our women in our lives being very perceptive and how they can pick up on energy very quickly. And I think it doesn't take long in the movement to be able to do that yourself once you're aware of the emotional landscape in your...

Tim Matthews 16:52

Trusting yourself.

Lawrence 16:53

Exactly.

Tim Matthews 16:54

About being in tune with yourself, so you can notice what's going on and feel it in your body and all the rest of it. And then having the confidence to call it out, and having the knowledge to be able to do it skillfully, obviously, but having the confidence to call it out and coming from the right place.

And to your point, being willing to rock the boat as well, because I think some guys avoid it because they don't want to... well, they don't want to create an argument if things are going well, and "things are going so well, so I'm just going to leave it."

Lawrence 17:24

And this is what we mean by maintenance. You know, even if it's the slightest thing, if you bring it to her and she doesn't have to bring it... because you can guarantee she's feeling the same thing. She has picked up on it probably a week before you, and the further thing to do is to get in there and say, "This is happening, and this is... and I'm awake and I'm alert in our relationship, and I'm feeling this."

Tim Matthews 17:44

Awake. Yeah, I love that. "I'm awake and I'm alert." That's one of the key pieces. Key pieces right there when we talk about leadership and providing safety. It's the opposite of passivity; it's the opposite of being disengaged.

And presence is the number one thing. You know, we often say that women want emotional safety first and foremost. The number one thing they want prior to that, that provides that, is presence. And the quality of a man's presence—is it piercing? Is it fully engaged? Is it alive? To your point, I think you said "awake and alert." That is so foundational in this whole piece.

Lawrence 18:25

And I think the guys that come into the movement, they hear... they hear things like this, and they go back and they say, "Right, I'm going to try this with the missus." And then it's the bit you just brought up a minute ago, which is the communication piece, because they then start to either put in a boundary or they come up with anything and they go, "Oh, this is wrong, and I think you're doing this wrong, and I need this to change."

And you're like, "No, no, no." You know, one of the reasons why I thought this was a good topic for us today is because leadership, masculine leadership... I think—we've just done a whole retreat on grounded, masculine leadership in Osaka, and I think it's misunderstood outside of the context that we're in. People look at masculine leadership, and it goes into that whole kind of...

Well, one of the reasons why, one of the things that contributed to my passivity, was this whole egalitarian relationship that we felt we ought to lead, because, you know, equality, and women's rights, and the importance of not subduing women or anything—all the negative stuff that's happened to women as a whole in society. And you fall into that belief that everything's got to be equal, that everything's got to be the same, that we've got all the same things going on.

And we have, you know, in the church they call it complementarianism. It's like we are equal, but complementary. The male does this, this, and this, and the female does that, that, and that, and they have a very structured kind of process for doing it, but we're all of equal worth.

And it kind of gets muddled up with that. So you're like, "Well, I don't want to take leadership, because I don't want to be seen to be this toxic masculine man." But you don't realize that the relationship, in order to thrive, somebody needs to lead. Like you said, whether it's the male or the female, whoever's got the masculine energy. Decision by consensus...,

Tim Matthews 20:22

...Just go around in circles, yeah.

Lawrence 20:24

It's like running in circles.

Tim Matthews 20:24

I love what you say about invitations, right? "Hey, I'm going to make invitations. I'm going to initiate." That is leadership. Leadership is to initiate: to initiate a direction, to initiate a decision, to initiate an idea, to initiate a conversation, to initiate fun, to initiate play—whatever it may be, it is to initiate.

There can be a collaboration that takes place within the relationship to then create the fun or to create the whatever, but the initiation—the leadership part—oftentimes works coming from the masculine. That's why people talk about the whole presence.

Lawrence 21:04

It's so funny we're having this conversation, because when I first came into the movement, I did my Alpha Reset, and the nickname I was given was "Incoming"—as in like an incoming artillery round. And the reason why I was given that was because I came there, and my biggest complaint about myself—when we did Day One Truth—my biggest truth was I was not initiating. I was not initiating. I wasn't leading the relationship.

So come the end of the Alpha Reset, you get a nickname. And they were like, "This guy's going to... when he gets home, he's going to be initiating everywhere. He's going to be initiating in the bedroom, he's going to be initiating in life, and they're going to call him Incoming." So he's going to be like an absolute sledgehammer round.

Tim Matthews 21:43

I like that. Well, that's the whole point. Like, one of the things that I hear resonates a lot with our guys is this idea that...

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Tim Matthews 22:45

You know, masculine masculinity—the presence is penetrating; it's piercing. Well, it can only be that way if it initiates: initiates action, direction, whatever it may be.

And I think one of the stories I have struggled with at times is, "I don't want to be too much." "And I don't want to be too much"—which is fucking bullshit. That is bullshit. It just comes from childhood, right? It goes back to the whole thing of parenting the parent. Well, I didn't want to be too much as a child because, you know, my mum was dealing... in hindsight—I didn't think this in this way at the time—but my mum was going through a lot, and I don't think she was... I didn't feel as though she was as emotionally present as I would have liked.

But I could also sense as a child and feel as a child like she had a lot on emotionally. So therefore, I didn't want to be too much. So I... I would...

Lawrence 23:48

Make yourself small.

Tim Matthews 23:49

I'd make myself small. I'd temper and temper my behavior and my emotions. Ultimately, that's where the whole "nice guy" thing comes from, right?

But equally, that's one of the things at times when I find myself shrinking: it's that idea of, you know, "I don't want to be too much."

I think one of the keys here to maintain leadership and polarity is also knowing which hills you're willing to die on. So I think a mistake a lot of guys can make is to try and put these boundaries in place for things that they really don't give a shit about, but they're just wanting to exercise some kind of masculine energy. And then, if you have too many things that you're trying to uphold, there's no way you can uphold them all because it's just too much. Then they get broken. Then your word doesn't really count for much because you're like, "Oh crap, I've kind of let that thing slide."

So in my experience, in terms of really creating this container, if you will: find the things that you really feel strongly about, and be willing to die on that hill. Yes, you can talk about them, get curious, and all the rest of it with your partner or your wife, but those... things that are really key and key for you, and usually it's going to be a handful—it's not going to be that many—but those things you can feel super strongly about.

And then everything else... because the nature of the feminine is to test, and to push, and all the rest of it... so you can have fun with the rest of it! You know, you can change your mind on a few things, you can be flexible in other areas. But in these areas? No, there's no flexibility. These are hard and fast rules. These things are rigid. That creates the boundaries. That creates the safety within which can create the consistency and the connection.

Lawrence 25:37

I love this idea of creating a container—having a container within which the dynamic of your relationship works. A functioning container that, like you say, you can put things up in it, you can take things down in it, you can change things in it. But there are still walls around which this is how... this is what happens in our relationship.

And if you have too many of those, it damages the dynamic as well. It kills the spontaneity.

Tim Matthews 26:03

It kills the magic, right?

Lawrence 26:04

It... like you say, it just becomes something that you've put in place because you want to exercise some form of leadership. And actually, it's not attractive. It's not hot. It's just another thing that you've said you want.

And then the other thing is being inconsistent. You become inconsistent because you don't care about it that much. You become inconsistent in enforcing it or challenging it, or dealing with it when it is challenged, and therefore it becomes nothing. In fact, it's counterproductive and it becomes a negative.

Tim Matthews 26:31

100%. Anything else on polarity?

Lawrence 26:39

I think just to say that it is about energies and not about the sexes. I think there are some men, very few—much less than, certainly, in our movement—that actually really thrive on the feminine energy, and they meet partners who have a masculine energy, and that can work, too. That can work, too.

I think it's not a question of saying, like, always men must be in charge of the relationship, making all the decisions. And actually, leadership isn't always about making all of the decisions. It's about the invitations and holding space. Exactly.

Tim Matthews 27:21

Leadership can be holding space when someone's going through a tough time.

Lawrence 27:26

And it's okay as well to switch polarities every now and then. Sometimes that has to happen through things like illness. So you could... like, you could be normally the guy that comes up with everything, and then suddenly you go down with a... I don't know, a gallbladder issue or something, and you're in hospital for six weeks, and you're recovering for another six weeks. In which case, allowing your wife to take charge or to help you, to be there for you and allow them in.

And it doesn't have to be just in sort of health things, either. It can be in other times where you're just feeling low, and you need a cuddle. You need somebody to, you know, hold you for a little while. That's part of being masculine, as well: knowing when you need to be held in the space that you'created.

I think that's really... I think a lot of people, they're like, "Oh, I've got to be on it all the time, and if I'm not, I'm failing." And that then leads into that shame thing of, "Oh God, I'm... you know, I'm terrible." But actually, it's okay.

Tim Matthews 28:30

What are the top three things for you then when we talk about masculinity and polarity?

Lawrence 28:36

I think the top three things are:

1. Being careful not to swing the pendulum too far the other way—so going from "nice guy" all the way across to "tyrant." I think that can be quite prevalent and damaging.
2. Being aware of the emotional landscape, actually being conscious and awake in your relationship with the energy.
3. Calling that out and communicating it, saying something, initiating.

Is that two or three? Saying something... being aware of your landscape is one, and then initiating a conversation about that could be the third one.

Tim Matthews 29:16

I like those.

I think for me—and we've not touched on this—but the first thing is getting familiar with what your unique expression of leadership and masculinity feels like for you. Because imagine it kind of like a fingerprint: you know, what it feels like for you is going to be different for me. And if I watch you and I try and be like you, it's never going to work. No, it's not going to fit for me. So I think allowing yourself to have an exploration and just explore, have fun, play, discover. What does it look like and feel like for you to lead?

And I'd probably say the key principles there are:

• Being engaged versus being passive.
• Initiating—be it fun, conversations, whatever it may be—again, versus being passive.
• Doing things for yourself. I think that's a huge one. Knowing what it is you'd want to do outside of work, having hobbies, having interests. So I think that's a big piece of it.

I think another piece is you got to be doing something physical. You got to be doing something physical. And again, depending on the answer to the first piece, what that looks like for you is going to be different than somebody else. Maybe it's martial arts, maybe it's going for a run, maybe it's going on your motorbike... I don't know what it is. The point is to discover and find out what it is for you that gets you connected and tuned in to that energy of presence and engagement and aliveness.

And I'd probably say the third piece is flexibility. You know, to your point, that polarity is gonna swing at times in a relationship, in moments, and that's completely cool. And leadership is going to look different in moments. Maybe it's vulnerability, maybe it's initiating, whatever it may be. But having that flexibility within your psyche and your energy to be confident enough, grounded enough, to have it ebb and flow, I think, is huge. Because if you want to put it in a box and say, "This is the way it is and this is the way it should always look," then you're going to be too rigid and you're going to miss the entire point.

Lawrence 32:08

And we change through stages of our life as well. It might change. You know, you could be in your 30s, very different looking in your 40s and 50s.

Tim Matthews 32:14

Exactly right. And I think the key is not comparing.

Lawrence 32:19

Right. I love that. I love that. Find out what leadership means to you, because you see all these relationship gurus online, and there's lots of stuff out there, and they're saying you should do this, and you should do this, and you should do this, and this way you'll get success in relationships or whatever it is, or "Follow my 10-step program" or whatever.

And actually, it is about what works for you, because you can't pick up... even if they are a deeply knowledgeable, ancient sage wisdom guru, you still have to figure out how it applies to your life. So that's really...

Tim Matthews 32:52

What works for you and what works for your relationship. And a big piece of leadership and polarity is just saying, "Hey, this is me, kind of take it or leave it. I'd love for you to take it."

Lawrence 33:04

So different to what people think leadership is. People think leadership's being out front with your chest puffed out.

Tim Matthews 33:09

It's just kind of authenticity and acceptance. "Hey, this is me. This is what I like. This is what I don't like. Hey, it's changed, now this is what I like. Hey, I'd love to go here, do you want to come with me?"

There can be a softness to it, a gentleness, but within that, when needed, there can also be a fierceness. Yes, but you don't lead with the fierceness first because you have nothing to prove in those moments.

But in my experience, when you settle into yourself and find your unique expression of it, there's an easefulness to it. You know, there's an easefulness.

Lawrence 33:49

Well, that's it. You're not trying to put leadership on as a costume. You're trying to bring out the leader that you are inside. You're trying to bring out the things that set you alight. That's what you're trying to bring out.

You're not trying to put on somebody else's jacket that is ill-fitting and cram into a stereotypical, "This is what I've got to be because I'm the man," or "This is what I've got to be because I'm supposed to lead." None of that works. You've got to know what you want inside first, and then draw that out of yourself and lead with that.

Tim Matthews 34:21

It's like when you build a company, right? You don't set out to be for everybody. You know, you have a mission, a vision, you come up with core values, you come up with who you are, who you are not, what is it you sell, what problem does it solve, and there's a whole thing about attract and repel. You want to attract the right people and repel the wrong.

Well, you can repel the wrong people by being clear on those things I just said and expressing those out in the world. Well, the same is kind of true of your leadership and polarity, right? Getting clear on who you are and what you enjoy—be it your values—getting clear on what you want out of your life—mission, vision—getting clear on the culture, maybe in your family—could be family values or whatever it may be—enables you to not try and be something for everybody.

Like being okay with the fact that, "Hey, this is who I am. This is what leadership looks like and feels like for me, and that's good enough."

And I think for a lot of men with this idea of polarity, they might try and... "Well, I've got to lead so I can get this thing." The outcome. If you're doing something to get something, then how genuine is it in the first place? You just get to lead because it's who you are. The byproduct usually is going to be polarity, because if you're showing up in that way—confident in yourself, clear in yourself, bringing that kind of energy, not needy, detached—there is polarity within all that, right?

But you're not doing it to create polarity, because if you're doing it to create polarity in your head, it's turned from something you are being to something you are doing. You know, so it's: are you thinking about versus being it?

So you gotta let go of the reasons why, and really have the reason become, "Well, I'm doing this because this is what I enjoy. I enjoy being me."

I was actually talking to a one-on-one client last week, and we were going deep on the whole topic of masculinity and actually polarity as well. And the topic I brought up with him was the standard within which you operate from, and we were talking about different examples of this out in the world. He was talking about this one guy that he knows, and he said, "He's just so great to be around."

I said, "Well, when you watch him, and you see his charisma, and his confidence, and his humor, does he look like he's having a good time?"

"Well, yeah."

"Does it feel real to you?"

"Yeah, he's making jokes and doing things because he enjoys it."

Exactly! A big piece, in my opinion, of masculinity and leadership and polarity is just the enjoyment of being you. I was challenging him to really try that on.

And I think early on in the journey, if you get somebody that's really in dire straits in their marriage, I don't think they're going to grasp the gravity of that statement, because that is so huge. When you land at the point, or you arrive at the point in your journey when you really start to play with the idea that, "I'm just going to enjoy being me. I'm doing this not to get an outcome. I'm doing this because this is who I am. I'm doing it because this is my standard. I'm doing it because this is what I want to do. This is who I want to be."

And that might change in a year or two years—I'm going to be someone different. I'm going to enjoy that, and I'm going to see where that leads. But I'm doing it because I enjoy being me. It goes to that whole point of detachment from outcome—all the things we've spoken about a minute or two ago—which does bring polarity, but that's not the reason why you're doing it. And because you're enjoying being you, the whole idea of initiating becomes easier as well.

Lawrence 38:17

Of course.

Tim Matthews 38:17

Because you're not attached to the response. So they might get rejected—I think that's such a heavy word in this instance—she might say no. Cool. Whatever. She might say yes 20 minutes later! You know, it could be a test in that moment: she's going to say no, how do you respond? And then 20 minutes later, "Oh, do you want sex?" "Oh, sure!" So true, right?

But if you're so attached to what comes from the initiation, you're never going to initiate. And if you're internalizing it, like we spoke on the last episode, and dropping into shame, you're definitely not going to go there. So that whole idea of just being you and enjoying it is so true, in my opinion, with this masculine leadership piece.

Lawrence 39:08

I think you've just boiled down five years of coaching into a very simple thing. You know, the reality is, as you say, when you start off on this journey of self-discovery and self-growth, you're not in a place to understand or accept the true gravity of what you just said. So you have to have the program to process you into a place where you are.

But essentially, that is everything. That is everything: being comfortable in your own skin. We've moved from the grief of deep shame and the reason why people commit suicide, all the way through to the other end of the spectrum, which is: if you're happy with who you are as this person, and you know yourself, and you know what you like, and you can't help but lead in that environment, you know that shame has no place in that setup.

And if you are activated by someone trying to shame you or an unwanted feeling... I'm plugging the "activated" rather than "triggered"! Definitely, I like that. But I think you can deal with that because you're confident. It's what we call being centered, or being grounded, or being sovereign. We use a lot of words around it, and I think it all means exactly what you just said, which is being happy to be you.

Tim Matthews 40:25

And think about when you get into a relationship. Usually in the beginning, most healthy relationships anyway often meet when two people are just out there enjoying life, enjoying themselves. And the first year or two is just awesome for lots of different reasons, but one of the reasons is that both people come into that relationship from a place of, "Hey, I'm just out here enjoying myself."

Now in unhealthy relationships, typically both people are not out there enjoying themselves, and they latch onto one another as a way to complete one another, and codependence just takes root right from the get-go.

Whereas when you get two people that are enjoying themselves and enjoying their life, and oh, a relationship has just magically locked in... that's why people often say, "Hey, I get into a relationship when I'm least looking for one," because you're giving off the vibe of, "Hey, this is me, and I'm loving life."

Lawrence 41:21

So, here's a question then: you said for the first couple of years it's alive, and like you say, you've both got things going on in your life, and you're just inviting each other to join each other in those things. Do you think it can be a long-term thing? Can that last?

Tim Matthews 41:35

Well, there's a few things going on there. There's newness: "Hey, who is this person?"

Lawrence 41:39

Novelty.

Tim Matthews 41:40

So there's biochemicals. There's a lot of different things going on hormonally and otherwise. But I think probably the big thing is newness, novelty, and the curiosity that comes with it, because you don't know this person, so you're getting really curious about them. You're often giving them the benefit of the doubt, you're often making an effort to get to know them and try new things together. So there's a lot of discovery of, like I said, new and novel things.

So those things can remain. Whilst the hormones may subside over time, or the biochemicals may subside over time, because in some respects the newness can go, the curiosity can stay—the curiosity for the individual. Because as a relationship progresses, both people still change.

Lawrence 42:35

Of course.

Tim Matthews 42:36

But does the communication stay the same, or do they get busy with other things? So if that communication stays healthy and open, and you continue to assume the best in one another—so you clear the mud off the glass whenever it appears, because the opposite of that is resentment. Resentments build, which often takes root in other relationships.

So if the curiosities remain, and you do novel and new things, and create new memories and new experiences, and you're willing to try, and you don't get complacent and boring... it bodes for a really good relationship.

Lawrence 43:10

I think a big part of that is exploration and adventure as well. You can build in some novelty by not just moving into the eighth year of your relationship and, "This is what we do every year: we have two weeks holiday, we go to Ibiza," or whatever. Change things! "Actually, let's go on safari. Let's go and experience something new. Let's have children together. Let's go and do this," or whatever it is, whatever...

Tim Matthews 43:32

There's so many ways. So many ways!

The key is as well... the overarching theme, I think, is curiosity, especially in the communication, and assuming the best and having fun—all the things just mentioned.

I think time apart as well. Having time apart, recognizing that you're two individuals, keeping that throughout the relationship. Even if you live together, encouraging that time apart, encouraging the individuality, because it's within the individuality that you both can stay as individuals, and it can be interesting then. Because if you encourage the individuality and encourage individual hobbies and all the rest of it, rather than trying to join in on every hobby together, then it still leaves some mystery.

Lawrence 44:22

You don't get codependency; you get interdependency.

Tim Matthews 44:25

Exactly. Certain things can be experienced together—shared experiences—but you choose to keep certain things separate, so you can have individual experiences. Oftentimes, everything just gets merged into one and there's no room for any mystery or whatever it may be. It's true. I think that helps with polarity.

Lawrence 44:42

And I think a lot of the guys in the movement work with their wives or work with their partners. And if you're experiencing the same day day-to-day—you're going to work, you're experiencing the same day, you're coming home, you're going on the same... you're always together—what do you talk about? Because you know each other so well, and that's great that you've got that knowledge of each other, but actually, you need to go away and do something, and come back and have stories to tell, and have an actual life of your own.

Tim Matthews 45:09

Anything you want to finish off with?

Lawrence 45:13

Fantastic conversation. No. Yep, good.

Tim Matthews 45:15

What's your one takeaway from this?

Lawrence 45:17

I think what you said about being happy being yourself. I think that is something that people can strive for many years for, and it can happen in an instant, or it can take time. But I think true leadership comes from knowing yourself and knowing what you want, and just enjoying yourself.

Tim Matthews 45:38

That's the key: enjoying. Because "being happy"... you know, in my experience, do you ever arrive at that point?

Lawrence 45:43

No, I think it's enjoyment. No, it's the...

Tim Matthews 45:45

...enjoyment piece. "I'm going to enjoy being me." And I will feel happy at times along the way. Yes, and at times it's going to suck, because it's going to mean I'm going to have to make some tough decisions or whatever it may be, but I'm still going to stay true to me. And it's being true to me that I enjoy.

Lawrence 46:05

Yes! I enjoy that opportunity for growth.

Tim Matthews 46:10

Yeah. So, guys, thanks again for joining us on The TPM Show. Hopefully, you've taken some value from this.

If you want to learn more about what we do here at TPM, just email into VIP—that's Very Important Person—VIP@thepowerfulman.com.

We'll see you next time on The TPM Show.