Revisit: When Your New Year’s Resolution Seems to Repeat Itself

Episode #298

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Episode Transcript

Doug Holt 0:00  

You want it, you got to be real, be honest. Do you want that? And are you doing those things that are going to move the needle? Be realistic with yourself. If you’re going to change, you have to get it.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host. Tim “The Powerful Man,” Matthews. How is it going, brother?

Tim Matthews 0:21  

Doing well, how are you doing?

Doug Holt 0:29  

I love watching your face while I make those announcements, man, when I call you “The Powerful Man,” to see you light up. It’s a very cool thing to see. I’m glad we’re doing these on video now.

Tim Matthews 0:42  

Yeah, it’s correct. I love it. I love it.

Doug Holt 0:45  

Well, Tim, it’s the new year, and as you know, for a lot of people with the first week into it probably was being released. People tend to set new year’s resolutions. Now, there’s a new trend where people are saying, “Well, I don’t set new year’s resolutions.” But you and I coach many people. We talked to 1000 if not more business owners a year. And we know that they’re setting goals. There might be goals in their business. But those fitness goals creep in, and those relationship goals creep in. I noticed I had the gym this morning, and I talked to one of the trainers there. And I was talking to her about it. She was saying, “Hey, look, I just don’t set new year’s resolutions or what have you?”. I said, “Look, every year do you have that nagging goal that you keep setting but not hitting?” And she just paused and looked at me? And she’s like, “Yeah, Yeah, I do.” And we’re talking about it. And I wonder if that’s a lot like for a lot of the men that were listening to this podcast, right? It starts to feel like Groundhog’s Day, right? You see that movie with Bill Murray in it, where every morning, he wakes up. It’s Punxsutawney Phil or whatever the groundhog. And it’s the same thing over and over? A lot of that is similar to what some of the men experience when we talk to them. These are alpha business leaders, but they experienced this in areas of the relationship, their health, wealth, self, etc. And what’s happening every year, they’re setting a goal. 

But for some reason, they’re not hitting it. One year becomes two, and two years becomes three, three years becomes four, until oftentimes, it becomes dead to them, right? It’s a feeling of self-worth is diminished. And just like Bill Murray in that movie, these guys start repeating the same thing. And at the beginning of the movie, if you remember, Tim, Bill Murray’s character, becomes lazy, lackadaisical, gets depressed, angry, and kind of loses himself. Right. It happens for the first, I don’t know, the first week or so for him. For most of the men we end up talking to, they do this in one or two or three areas of their life for many years, some decades. And oftentimes, it’s their relationship, and their health is the two that seem to Well actually, it’s their self-right, you and I know that they don’t realize that yet. That seems to go to the wayside, and they become, I’ll call it, a shell of a man at that point. And what hasn’t happened is the second part of Groundhog’s Day is where Bill Murray realizes, “I need to make a drastic change here. And this is an opportunity for amazing growth”. That’s where the movie picks up, but that’s also the same for all the men we talked to right there like a character in their movie. Yet they haven’t had that real shift that change; they haven’t taken that step to go crap. Do you know what if I’m wanting and desiring the same thing time and time again yet not hitting it? There’s only one consistent factor here, not to me. Yet, they’re not doubling down on themselves. Tim, do you have any of those new year’s resolutions that you keep trying to hit year after year but keep creeping by the wayside?

Tim Matthews 4:07  

I’m not setting here for 2020

Doug Holt 4:14  

I want to see your list.

Tim Matthews 4:15  

Yeah, I know I’m taking quite a few days just to have taken quite a few days to reflect, and I’m going to run the list and pass it to you once I have finalized it. I’ve done it in the past where I’ve just sat down in one session and got it all out, but it’s always felt quite fast. So the answer to the question is, no, I don’t right now in the past, definitely not. Some degree in business, although with businesses growing and growing year on year within its how many minutes impact in and infrastructure and how it’s been Round Robin and all those kinds of things. There’s always growth there, which is great but sometimes has a habit of setting goals too high. I feel some people relate to that. Yeah, I’d say one area where in the past where I’ve been left wanting in years gone by, and I’m trying to find something here, Doug. I would say that’s been my health. Although, I can probably remember the past couple of years where I’ve thought this year would be the year we were against the best ship of my life. And obviously, I used to be a personal trainer, and I used to have a fitness business. 

So the best shape of my life quote, unquote, is some ridiculous Greek god Adonis kind of share. But then as I’m here, just like you, brother, and then as I go down that rabbit hole, I realize, I mean, what do I want here? Do I want to lose body fat? Or am I in it for longevity? What’s, what’s the reason there? So 2019, I would say, was the best year in my health overall, ever. I’d say I adopted fast in something I’ve never done before. And I got into a great routine that I enjoyed. I learned a lot more about diet, and I was eating a lot more. I was tracking my food. The first time, I’ve stuck to tracking my food for a prolonged period of time, calories, and macros. For the final three or four months of 2019, I was doing that. And I got into a good routine with the resistance exercise and had a stool sample taken from Costa Rica towards the end of 2019 to see the health of my gut and whatnot. So, um, yeah, I’d say, I’m going to say no, I’m going to say no, I don’t have repeating goals, I feel like I’m good at actually executing upon them. I do finish the year feeling good about what I’ve achieved. And also still feeling like I could have more. But I think that’s just the curse of the achiever. Because, as I said, I can sometimes be in the habit of setting these audacious goals that even if I don’t hit them, they have still progressed. I’ve still progressed in a big way. So I’m torn on this question, Doug. Just said no, a second ago. Now, I want to say there’s a gap there. I want to say there’s a gap average; here’s my response. When I say yeah, there is a gap there. And I am left wanting more. I haven’t achieved some great things.

Doug Holt 7:28  

Yeah. And I mean, first of all, one of the things I’ve always loved about you, Tim, is you’re so authentic and honest, right? So easy to get in here on a podcast or a show and The Powerful Man especially, and not want him to want to seem perfect, right? I’ve always had this, and I always got everything covered, right? Every guy wants to seem that way. And I do applaud you for being vulnerable. And being just raw and honest, man, something you’ve always done so well, which allows the other men that come through the program, and later on, they can always be a testament that allows them to share their vulnerabilities because nobody’s perfect, right guys, like nobody here, is perfect at all, are talking about here is those things you complain about those nagging goals, every year, I’m going to run a marathon, or I’m going to drop 10 pounds, or stone or whatever, whatever it may be, I’m going to drop this weight this year. And you start strong at the beginning, and it dies out by February, the reason anywhere in the world going into a gym or a fitness center, the second week of January to about mid-February sucks, right for regular people. That’s actually when bodybuilders and fitness people take time off because it gets drowned. But you go in there in March, and it’s empty again for the rest of the year. Right? It’s because those goals happen. 

And then the person sets the same goal again, beginning the year. And so that’s what I’m talking about here is that definition of insanity. Because when we do that, over and over again, we also beat the crap out of ourselves for not achieving it per set. And again, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly, expecting a different result. We all know that. So how often are you the listener? The guys watching this? How often are you doing this in your life? I encourage you guys to be honest and write these down. Write down all the things that you keep saying you want. I want to make more money, how much you want to make. Write that down. I want to drive a cool new car. I want to lose weight, and I want to gain more muscle. I want a new girlfriend. I want to have intimacy with my partner, with my wife, or whoever. Right? I want to be closer to my kids. I want to work less, travel more starting a business. What right do all of those things have if you’ve had them for more than one year? And I want to encourage you to do three steps to this, at least I encourage you to do once you have that list going down and put x2 if you’ve had that for two years, x10 if you’ve had that for ten years, right? How many times have you had this goal you have not achieved. Lastly, go through on the left-hand side right now, where you have that written down, write the area that it applies to, right? Does it apply to your health? Does it apply to your wealth? 

It applies to yourself. It’s applied to your relationships. Where exactly does that apply to your business, right? The five key areas will help you get a little more grasp of the agonies right that we go through. And if you don’t know what the five agonies are, you can go back to an older episode where we got Tim talking about that. But look and see if there’s one or two particular categories or areas of your life that you’ve neglected. Over the last few years, you keep setting goals. In my experience, Tim, for the men that we work with, so business leaders, in the areas, tend to be in their business, right? They’re not hitting the goals as high as they would; it’s especially with take-home money, not as much revenue for the business, actually their take-home. The second one is an area of their health. And the third is their relationships. Right? And if anything, they’ll tend to focus the most on the business category. What levers Do I have to pull or push to make things change, but then neglect the relationship ones who cause the most damage, right cause the most pain, and it’s the ones they say they want. You don’t want to be like Groundhog’s Day, where you have this. So now you’ve got this list, right in front of you, you know how long you’ve had these goals, these dreams, how many years you’ve had been saying you’re going to do it. You also know what categories they are. Now you can start to recognize patterns that are in there. Right? Once you recognize patterns, my question to you is pretty simple. When do you stop lying to yourself and get off your ass and do something about it? Right, or is this just a wish? Just something, yeah…

Tim Matthews 11:54  

That’ll be cool.

Doug Holt 11:56  

Yeah, be cool for me to own a house in Tuscany? I don’t. I have never been there. Prior I know you have heard you talk about it’s why it’d be cool for me to do it. But I’ve never. It’s not a big deal to me. I don’t even think about it. Right? That’s a cool thing. But your health is like getting a grip, getting a six-pack, or whatever a lot of guys want. If you want it, you have to be honest. Do you want that? And are you doing the things that are going to move the needle? Do you say you want more relationships with your wife, with your kids, and with yourself? Then well, how come you haven’t been through The Activation Method yet? Like I don’t want to hear a guy complain about their relationship or something like that if they’ve had it for a little while, it’s your new complaint, cool, I get it. But if it’s a complaint over and over again, and you haven’t gone through The Activation Method, then I don’t want to hear it.

Same thing with the business if you haven’t hired a coach to help you in the business category and understand what needs to be moved. I don’t want to hear it. Right. And I think that’s the difference. Tim, I know I’m getting a little bit on a soapbox, but you get a little tired of people. I get tired of people having the same goal over and over again, saying they want it and some external force to them. It doesn’t allow them to cheat to achieve it. And this is going to piss some people off listening to this. And I can tell you right now, guys, if what I’m saying is pissing you off, it’s because it’s true for you. Otherwise, you would ignore it. And that’s the truth. And I want the best for you out there. I want you to make 2020 the absolute best. It’s just a day on the calendar. But it’s a significant day on a calendar. So start to a fresh beginning. This is the time to step up. Be real with yourself. And if you want the change, you have to get it. 

Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing? Like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it. I get it. Go over right now to https://www.thepowerfulman.com/bonus/ to discover the system that other business people just like you are using. We’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you; go over to https://www.thepowerfulman.com/bonus/ right away. Now let’s get back to the show.

Tim Matthews 14:16  

It’s nothing worse than having it forced upon you because we speak to so many men that I like. And I’ve got to change because my wife’s going to leave justice. I understand why some men only change when that happens. But it’s a much more stressful position to change from then saying, Hey, I must change this because my standard is that. Now my standards, this instead of this, right? As men, we often think that the way to provide for our wife and our children is to go out there and make money, and I get why that’s now why men think that, right? It’s in society. It’s what we’ve been taught to believe Yeah. Today and maybe historically, but definitely, women today require and demand quite rightly, much more for men than ever before. They expect the man to be out there, and I wouldn’t say to be out there bringing home the back. And I don’t think women expect that. I do think they expect the man in their life to be a man of purpose, that sets have his passion and purpose within his own professional life. I think that gives a woman a lot of trust in a relationship. But she’s able to go out there and make her own money these days. So just being able to provide for your family financially isn’t enough, right. So, now the women require the men to provide emotionally, first and foremost, spiritually. I can understand why some men, for someone who may not necessarily be surrounded by other men who will live in that way, could miss that trick. They raise their standard and then have the change forced upon them, and that, why for that change to be a must as external, right? 

I want to win my wife back, so it’s that thing outside of them. But a much stronger position to be in for you as a man and your marriage, or your health, or whatever area of life is, is for you to be the driver of that change. And for that change to come from the standard inside you, where you are saying what, no way. I am not tolerating this for one second longer. And you’ve got to, and you’ve got to reach that point yourself, you’ve got to dig deep and find those reasons for yourself. We, human nature, tend to mean that we can bury our head in the sand so often as guys and not contemplate the worst-case scenario. And I asked guys when they apply for The Activation Method, look, what might happen if you don’t change? Oh, well, Tim, not even going, I’m changing. Yeah, but if you don’t, what might happen, and they don’t want to go there at first because it’s too painful to consider the reality of what might happen. So it’s easier to bury your head in the sand and be and say, “Ah, she won’t leave” or “I won’t get that illness” or “The business will grow” or whatever. Optimism is great, but when it’s denial, it’s dangerous. So, I would invite you to entertain what might happen if things stay as they are, seriously, go there, play with that. And journal about that, where might you be in 12 months, if you repeat the same pattern, because the reality is, things aren’t going to stay the same, you’re going to go backward or forwards, you definitely will not be in the same position, the only thing that will have gone by his times he will have lost another 12 months. But play there, do whatever you get to do, to drum up to develop that desire, urgency, urgency is key. Momentum, love, speed, success, love speed. So you’ve got to be in that position where it’s the most any of the things you can suggest to your dog for the guys to listeners to drum up those feelings of urgency.

Doug Holt 18:40  

Drunk the feelings of urgency. I mean, I know for me, the worst thing possible is being in the same place at the end of 2020 is where I started. And I’m in a good place.

Tim Matthews 18:52  

That’s who you are. What if some of these guys maybe they’re a bit stuck, maybe they’ve become numb to the situation? 

Doug Holt 19:02  

Yeah, so I’m just saying do you want to be this? The same situation, five years from now, next year will be five years guys, it’s going to multiply, it’s going to go by like this. Those of you who have kids know this. So well…a blink of an eye, times change, right? Next thing your kids out of your house, and your wife and you were looking at each other, and you’re trying to figure out, do you still even know who the other person is across from you? And your reason for being is you had kids? Right? So it’s going to happen quickly, Tim, for these guys. And what I want you to do is forward-thinking. What if nothing changes? Is this as good as it gets? Is this what you’ve been put on this earth to do? Is this what you’re here for? Like, let’s get real here for a second. Like, what if things don’t change and you’re the same as you were last year, this year, and next year? Is that good enough? Do you have a second chance at life? Are you guaranteed a do-over? Cuz guess what’s going to happen, you’re going to get older, you’re not only going to leave your body is going to start to fail you guess what, I don’t care who you are how Teflon you think you are, it happens to every human that ever walked this earth this far, right, your body’s going to get older, it’s going to break down, you’re not going to have as much energy, you’re not going to be able to do the things that you wanted to do. And you’re going to sit back with a ton of regrets. And you’re going to be the grumpy old guy. 

And nobody friggin wants to be around. That sucks. So Tim reminds me of a woman that you and I know, Darcy. I was talking to her about this. And we’re looking at two men, all looking at one guy who was in his late 70s. And barely had bad knees, couldn’t walk very well, kind of wobbly. Acting like a guy in his 80s or 90s, a really, really brilliant, brilliant, perfect business guy, was one of my mentors for a while we’re talking about him. And Darcy turned to me and said, “You know my dad is at that same age” I was like, “What?!” because her dad would have a beer with him. And he was as vibrant as really probably a 35-year-old having a beer. And he takes care of himself. He runs, he eats decently, he takes care of his soul, his mental state, he’s a physician, right? As a doctor, and different, right? You can say genetics and all of these other things. But their choices here, Tim, here’s a man who’s in his 70s living life as if it was his 30s or 40s. Marry kids, the whole thing. Here’s another man in his 70s that you said in a previous podcast would pay anything to have his health back. But he thought if I work harder this year, one more year of grinding it out. He ground it out for 40 freakin years. Right, he doesn’t know it, has a horrible relationship with his wife. Right? He doesn’t have a lot of friends. I’m one of his best friends. And I’m half his age. And he’s a client of mine. So I know him well. But these are choices, guys. This is the same thing with his relationships. He has no relationship, this one guy…She and Darcy’s dad are super-close. This other guy has no relationship with his kids, none with his daughter, and an okay relationship with his son just because they work in the same business, but not a good one. Because he confides in me, but these are choices – they drifted apart, gentlemen, that’s why I’m so adamant about this. I’m not going to be super nice and give you a big hug around this. You got to do the work, and you got to be honest with yourself. What are you going to get out of this year? Are you going to be the dad that gets a Christmas card 5-10 years from now that has nothing but a signature on it? Right? No message, no kids that follow up the gifts with a phone call because you talk to them all the time. It’s the obligatory card they picked up as they’re walking out of the store, and they sign their names on somebody else’s words. 

Because you’re not “dad,” you’re a sperm donor at that point, not a father. Or are you going to be an amazing father and amazing husband, an example to your kids on how you treat your spouse? Are you going to show me how to take care of your health? Right? You don’t have to have a six-pack; you don’t have to be able to bench press 300 pounds or any of that BS. You have to be healthy, right? be an example of what wellness is for your kids, be an example of balance for your children, for the people around you. The choice is yours, guys. The choice is yours, don’t complain about it. I want to get a personal trainer because it costs too much money. That’s BS, the money you can’t take with you, right? I don’t want to join The Activation Method. It takes too much time. Right? It’s eight weeks, eight weeks, step up! Right? You can do this, and you can do this. Now. It’s just you gotta take control, whatever it is for you. I don’t care what that is. But this is your time to go after it. You don’t have a second chance; no one here has had one that I’m aware of. Things are ticking, and things are going down. So if you repeat the same patterns you did in 2019, 2020 would repeat them in 2021, 2022, and 2023. Where’s that going to leave you? 

When you’re in your 70s? Are you going to be the guy I was talking to was a client who has no relationship with his kids? Did he make a lot of money? No friends, no health? Are you going to be like Darcy, who works with Tim and me, her dad, who has all of those in abundance? And those are choices. That’s a decision for him, in my opinion. And that’s why I’m so adamant about it. There are no excuses. I’m not trying to get down on everybody. Suppose you want to set a small goal or something like that, good. Go for it. If they happen to happen, that’s a wish. Cool, whatever. Right? But your real goals, your five key areas. You guys got to dominate those. Your life is your chance to put up or shut up. Suppose you’re not going to work on it. You’re not going to invest your time, money, and energy Energy, those three things in those areas of your life. I don’t want to hear you complaining anymore. You have no right to complain to Mike in my mind, man, like Tim, who’s going after it in his relationship, as you said, another podcast, you can complain all day, as far as I’m concerned, because you’re doing something to move the needle.

Tim Matthews 25:17  

I remember that.

Doug Holt 25:19  

It would help if you didn’t complain about it. But you get what I’m saying. Like you have to me, you have street credit. Right? Cool. You can do it because you’re putting in the work. But I’m just tired of hearing it. I’m tired of getting emails, phone calls from guys complaining about the same thing this year. They’re complaining to me about two years ago, yet they haven’t done anything to make a difference. They want to complain, make excuses. It’s everybody else’s fault. It’s not me, and it’s the economy. It’s my wife, and it’s my in-laws. It’s my job, my health, I don’t have time, whatever, it’s all BS. You can do it, guys. It’s all there for you. Men have walked the same path that you could step on and have success. Or you can walk a different path, a path of the guy that sits on the couch and complains and wonders where his life went when he dreamt about it so cleanly in his 20s. Now he’s in his 30s, 40s, and 50s. And just passing them by, don’t let it pass you by. It’s not too late. Get on now. This is your spot right here, right now. Make a declaration to me, to Tim, to yourself, that you’re going to make a change. And this is the time to do it.

Tim Matthews 26:36  

I got nothing to add. I was sitting on the other side. And it’s painful, isn’t it, to watch life pass you by. in that position of 30s, 40s, 50s just now in that you saw the rocking chair test, right? Yeah, it is like ultimate, knowing that I wasted time I had available and the potential out available. And so often, I hear guys sugarcoat it. “No, the kids are fine,” and I ask them, “How’s the disconnect between you and your wife affecting the kids?” “Oh! It’s not. They don’t pick up on anything” I disagree with that. I don’t have kids yet. I’m going to stand here and say, Hey, they will pick up on it, because I can’t say indefinitely. But what I know from behavior and all the rest of it, that they’ll see it and what kind of role model do you want to be to kids? All right, sit there, when you’re in your 60s 70s, talking to your grandchildren about what they should do and how they should live or even to your kids. The strongest way to be a role model is to walk the path. And your actions will pave the way. It’s much more difficult to give your son advice or your daughter advice if you have never lived it yourself. Like where’s advice coming from the theory? You think what it’s like to be a certain way, and you’ve got to know it. One of those ways you do drum up these feelings of urgency so you can make sure that 2020 is different for you is to consider maybe asking your kids. What’s it like to be in a relationship with me? How can I be a better father? They may say you can’t; you can’t be a better father. At which point find again five, there are always ways to find leverage. It just comes down to you being creative enough to ask yourself the right questions to all those around you. Because to watch time pass you by. Oh, wow. Painful,

Doug Holt 29:02  

This is your chance, your moment of insight, time to take action and make sure that 2020 is not like 2019 and 2018. Now, following Tim’s advice, I’m passionate about this. I’m not just going to hold your hand through this. I want you to have the best. Gentlemen, until next time, we’ll see you on another episode of The Powerful Man show.