Episode #927
Feeling more like roommates than lovers with your wife? Wondering how to ask her out again or reignite the spark in your marriage? You’re not alone.
In this episode, I tackle real questions from men just like you. From rebuilding trust after growing apart to reigniting passionate sex, we cover it all. You’ll learn actionable steps to plan fun date nights, rebuild emotional safety, and reconnect with your wife without feeling needy or desperate.
Discover practical strategies like the Clean Slate Method, the Yes-No-Maybe List, and how to avoid the dreaded “roommates with rings” dynamic. Plus, I dive into how to handle tricky situations—like when it’s time to walk away versus when to keep fighting for your marriage.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- How to start dating your wife again, even if the trust is broken
- Ways to make sex fun, connected, and spontaneous
- Why emotional safety is key to reigniting passion
- How to know when it’s time to call it quits
- And simple ways to avoid coming across as “needy”
Grab the free guide mentioned in this episode and start creating memorable date nights now. Don’t just listen—take action!
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
There’s a sheet that you can use called the Yes, No, Maybe Sheet. And what it does, it lists about—gosh, it’s about 50 items on it—and it’s things that you can check off: yes, no, maybe, that you’re interested in doing sexually or exploring sexually. You can have her fill it out, and that’s a great way to kind of spice things up a little bit. But you can also see what she’s into.
And you know, if you’re in that position, like I am with my wife, I would just simply have a conversation with her, like, “Hey, would you like to have more sex? What are you thinking?” and understand where she’s at.
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The TPM Show. Today, I am going to be answering your questions. So for all of you who send in questions, either on our free community or via email, thank you for those. We sort through those and get back to them as soon as we possibly can.
If you do have questions or you want topic suggestions, simply email VIP@thepowerfulman.com and you can submit those there. Again, that’s VIP@thepowerfulman.com, and I’ll address as many as I possibly can.
So, the first one I have is from Kyle. He says, “How do I get to the point of dating my wife again? When do you know she might be open to it?”
You know, that’s a great question, Kyle. This is going to be like dating anybody else. Now, I don’t know exactly what’s happened in your marriage that has caused you to not feel comfortable asking your wife out.
If there’s been infidelity—so if you’ve cheated or you’ve done something that has severely crumbled the trust in the marriage, or maybe even your wife is no longer living with you, so maybe you guys are separated—that’s a little tougher because you need to rebuild the trust, right?
It starts off with something like coffee dates or just getting together and having conversations. You definitely want to use a version of the Clean Slate Method, which we talk about quite a bit. I talk about it in my book, which you can grab on Amazon or other places: A Man’s Guide on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It.
In there, I talk about what the Clean Slate Method is—the Clean Slate Letter, if you will. You have to wipe the slate clean.
So if you imagine in any relationship, it’s almost like if two people are facing each other. Imagine a plate of glass between those two people. And over time, little bits of, you know, lies or mistrust or arguments—almost like flakes of mud—get put on the glass. Over time, the glass can get really muddy, and it can be hard for people to see each other, right?
You can smear it. You can do all kinds of things. But unless you wipe that glass or that slate clean, you can never see each other very clearly. So you’re always looking at each other through a blurred lens if you will.
If there’s been an infidelity, that’s going to be on your wife’s heart, right, and her mind. But maybe it hasn’t. Maybe you guys have just grown apart. Maybe you’ve just become roommates, right? Roommates with rings.
If that’s the case, you just want to ask her out. You know, if you’re just roommates with rings and you’ve lost the passion, create something fun. Create a date night that’s going to be fun and interesting—something that’s, first and foremost, fun and interesting to you, and secondarily, something that she’s going to want to do.
It could be as simple as a movie night out. Get some popcorn and what have you, and go to a movie. Now, in movies, you don’t really talk as much, but you can talk before and certainly after the movie. For some couples, it gives you something to talk about, right? That’s why it’s such a stereotypical first date or date night type thing.
When you guys first start dating, also, dancing. We actually have a free guide—you can see it in the description below. I’ll put that down there—and it’s a guide on how to plan the perfect date night. We have a whole ebook on how to do that, so pick that up.
That’ll give you some ideas. It’ll also give you some icebreaker questions—some topics you can talk about during the day to really stimulate conversation. Much better than, “How was your day?” You know, something like that. You really want to showcase to your partner that you’re growing, right? Every woman wants to be with a man that grows.
If you’ve seen previous podcast episodes where we have a woman’s point of view on, every single time one of those women is asked about growth in her man, they all say how sexy it is. And so, you listening to this podcast as an example showcases that you’re growing.
Grab the book—that’s going to help you out a lot too. And if you have the advantage—so you have the money and the time—investing in a program like The Activation Method is really going to accelerate that growth for you. Because when she sees you grow, you’re going to become more interesting, right? You’re going to become more interesting as a human, especially as a partner that she’ll be into.
And then you just gotta ask her, man. You just gotta ask her out and say, “Hey, would you like to go to dinner tonight? Hey, would you like to go dancing? Hey, would you like to go to that concert? Hey, would you like to see a movie?”
Okay, now obviously, you’re gonna make it sound a little bit better than I am here. So, let me give you an example. I might go to my wife and say, “Hey babe, I know things haven’t been perfect lately, and we both could use a break. Why don’t you let me take you out tonight?”
Or, I would say not tonight—I would say someplace in the future. “So, this coming Thursday, let’s go out to dinner. I want to take you out and have a great time.” Something as simple as that will allow you the possibility of creating that date space.
So, you gotta just do it. It’s one of those things you gotta step into, just like when you asked her out the first time. She could reject you, and that’s okay. You just gotta keep trying, right? Just keep moving forward each and every time. Let us know how that goes.
Kyle, Vic’s got one. Let’s see.
“How do I go from weekly scheduled sex to passionate, anytime sex?”
Well, first, Vic, the sex has gotta be good, right? So that’s another thing. If you’re not making the bedroom fun, why would she want to be there, right? So that’s an issue. Also, there’s real-life stuff going on. You know, she could have a medical issue, stress at work. You could have young kids. There are all kinds of things that can throw off your sex life and that would require you to schedule it.
But if the sex is fun and if you’re connected, odds are that you’re going to be moving in that direction.
So, you gotta remember that for a woman, she needs to feel safe first. That’s just the base area. And when I talk about safe, I’m not just talking about physical safety. I’m talking about emotional safety. That’s really, really important.
Now, once she feels emotionally safe, then you want to make her feel seen, heard, and desired, right? So you have those four elements that need to be in play.
Now, once you’ve got all those done—and again, for a lot of our guys that have been through our programs, this is just a baseline, right? This is just what you do—then you get to make sex fun. You get to make it passionate.
And if you make sex fun, chances are she’s going to want to have sex more often with you, right? And that’s where you want it to go, it sounds like from your question. And that’s where almost every guy wants to go.
And as a guy, I know you don’t just want sex. You want passionate sex. You want connected sex. And she does too. So, that’s going to require you to make it fun, learn her body, understand what turns her on, and ask questions.
We talked about this in previous episodes, but there’s a sheet that you can use called the Yes, No, Maybe Sheet. And what it does—it lists about, gosh, it’s about 50 items on it. And it’s things that you can check off: yes, no, maybe, that you’re interested in doing sexually or exploring sexually. You can have her fill it out, and that’s a great way to spice things up a little bit. But you can also see what she’s into.
And you know, if you’re in that position, like I am with my wife, I would just simply have a conversation with her, like, “Hey, would you like to have more sex? What are you thinking?” and understand where she’s at.
And you may find out that there could be something hormonal. There could be something that you’re doing or not doing, or something going on in her life that you are unaware of, and that may just be a slight tweak to get you back on that road.
Hey guys, I wanted to interrupt this episode because it’s dawned on me that many of you aren’t aware that we actually have a book on how to save your marriage without talking about it.
Now, thousands of men have read it, and they’ve reviewed it. And I want to give you the opportunity to do the same if you’re interested in grabbing it.
It’s a short read, but it’s helped a lot of men just like you. Maybe you’re not interested in The Activation Method yet, but this is a small entry point that can really turn things around for you.
Go over on Amazon. We have it priced as cheap as Amazon will let us, and that way, you have a resource that you can use right now to start getting some results in your marriage.
Now, let’s get back to the episode.
From Nick:
“What’s the best way to ask about her day or how things are going without her thinking you’re being needy?”
Yeah, Nick, that’s a great question.
So, needy is an energy too. Your wife can tell right away if you have a needy energy. Women in general can quite often.
So, if you’re being more casual about it, like, “Hey babe, how was your day?” something like that—that’s not needy. That’s just a question.
But if you’re saying it because you need her attention and you need a reaction—that’s transactional energy, and that’s what they can pick up on, right? Women can pick up on that a mile away.
But if you’re simply just curious, there’s no neediness in that, right? It’s not needy. It’s just like if I asked you, Nick, “Hey man, how was the day?” You’re not going to think, “Oh, Doug’s being needy.” But if I come to you like, “Gosh, I hope Nick replies to me. I hope—oh my gosh, I hope Nick talks to me,” and then I ask you, “Hey Nick, how was your day? Tell me everything,” it’s the energy behind it that you’re gonna pick up on. And you go, “Wow, that Doug guy is pretty needy,” versus, “Hey Nick, how was your day, man?”
Something like that is just very simple. It’s a simple comment or question coming through, and you’ll probably reply to that, you know, and you won’t notice.
So, when I talk to men’s wives who mention their husbands being needy, every time, they talk about it being an energetic thing more than the actual question or how to do it.
So, you need to have engaged indifference.
For those who are unaware, we’ve done a bunch of episodes on this. Guys, engaged indifference is: “Hey, I’m engaged—I want to know, Nick, how your day was—but I’m indifferent if you tell me anything.” He might just say, “Fine, cool,” and I walk away—no big deal. Or he might just go into details.
Now, there are ways and techniques we teach the men on how to get more—collecting berries—how to get more from their wives, more information, and digest more. And it’s also great dialogue—just human dialogue—to be having with somebody.
But aside from that, how do you ask how their day was without being needy?
You just can’t have that needy energy. You can’t have an expectation of her having a long reply. Go into it with no expectations and just say, “Hey babe, how was your day?” And if she just walks by or says, “Fine,” then you can just walk on.
And if that’s the case, you’ve got a lot more work to do in that relationship.
You want to start with the Triadic Connection, right? The Triad of Connection is three things that we teach in The Activation Method.
The first thing is the Clean Slate Method.
The second thing is The Hidden Motives Technique.
And the third is the Live Like a King System.
I touched on all three of these in the book I referenced earlier, A Man’s Guide on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It. We’ve also done tons of podcasts on that.
All right, here’s one from Todd.
This will be the last one we do today, guys.
Todd says:
“What I’d like to see some discussion on is when it’s just time to call it and end the relationship rather than try to fix it—when it’s just too far gone or was never worth having in the first place.”
So, he goes on to talk about his relationship being toxic.
So, Todd, how do you know when it’s time to call it? When you’re no longer in love with the person—that’s when it’s too long. Or there’s— in my opinion—physical abuse happening. Any kind of abuse, actually.
I’ve seen guys turn around mental abuse. I’ve seen guys—honestly, I’ve seen guys turn around physical and mental abuse.
But, you know, for me, when I talk to guys, I have this conversation a lot. It’s like:
“Hey Doug, when is it time to call it quits? When is it too far gone?”
And often, what I’ll ask the guy—and I used to do this with women too, when I coached women—is:
“Do you still love the other person? Are you still in love with the other person?”
And if the answer is yes, then I believe there’s hope, right? There’s a chance.
Now, again, there are extenuating circumstances, right? So for some people, it could be their partner is abusive physically or abusive mentally.
For me, those are no-go areas. Everybody’s got different boundaries that they want to set, but for me, in my relationships, those are no-go areas.
Some people have their partners in rehab. Some people have their partners move in with another man. I’ve heard all types of stories, and everyone’s situation is going to be unique.
But when it comes to:
“Hey, should I just stop trying?”
What I think of is:
“Hey, do the two people still love each other?”
Because oftentimes—most of the time, I should say—what I see from my seat, seeing inside thousands upon thousands of marriages, is that the two people love each other but just can’t connect.
It’s like they’re on two different levels or two different planes. And for some reason, they love each other, but there’s just something missing.
And oftentimes, what’s missing is, again, the Triadic Connection from the man’s side, right—that kind of area that we teach in The Activation Method.
And it’s the same thing from the woman’s side. They’re just missing each other because their priorities are off, or the way they’re acting is off, and they start to get into a transactional relationship.
And then, sooner than later, it ends up being, you know, a marriage of obligation or a “roommates with rings” type situation where you guys just aren’t connected anymore.
If you’re not connected anymore in that situation, but you still love your wife, and she still loves you, and you guys are just trying to find each other, then you just need to take a big leap and do something like The Activation Method.
Quite honestly, if that’s not for you—if that’s out of your range—then do something else. Just do something. You’ve gotta take massive action.
For me, personally, I’d want to make sure I exhausted every resource I had before parting ways, because I wouldn’t want to live with the regret. You know, that would be a big thing for me personally.
I see that all the time too. Just recently, we had an event, and there were men there with regret and heart, and I just don’t want to see that for you. So, exhaust every resource you have to find a way back together.
Now, if you’re not in love or you know she’s not in love with you, then it might be time to walk away.
That’s where it gets really interesting.
Oftentimes, when men talk about their marriages being toxic—and same thing with women—it’s usually that the toxicity is because they’re missing each other, and it’s evolved into perceived toxicity.
If it’s really toxic, like—again—she’s shooting heroin in the living room in front of your kids or something, you know, for me, that would be time to go. I would walk away immediately.
But everybody’s different. Everybody’s situation is different.
And it’s not my job to tell a man that it’s time for him to walk away unless—again—there’s physical abuse going on or something really gross. Then, I would say that’s my opinion, if asked.
As a coach, and literally seeing inside thousands of marriages, I’ve seen tons of marriages that were “toxic”—by the man’s opinion—get turned around within weeks by just following TThe Activation Method and really doing it.
Because it allows the men to get more activated—that’s why we call it The Activation Method—because it allows us, as men, to be activated.
So, we step in as leaders in the family.
And when you’re respected and trusted as a leader—so your wife feels emotionally safe and she respects you again—usually what happens is the whole family dynamic shifts, and that toxicity, or perceived toxicity, goes out the window.
So, I hope that works for you guys.
Keep these questions coming. I love getting them and trying to answer as many as I can. I’ll do more in future episodes as well.
Again, if you have questions, just simply email them to VIP@thepowerfulman.com, and we’ll get through those in future episodes.
As I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action.
And this is no different.
We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
