Episode #1183
When a married woman asks her husband to "lead" or "take charge," many men immediately encounter a frustrating dilemma. Leadership is an ethereal concept that means vastly different things to different people. When a husband attempts to take charge without understanding his wife's specific emotional picture, his efforts often feel misaligned. Conversely, when a frustrated man directly asks his wife to tell him how to lead or meet her needs, the conversation frequently backfires. She may respond with irritation, stating that giving instructions only adds to her mental load and that he should already know what to do.
In this episode, Tim Matthews and Lawrence dissect why the statement "I want you to lead" produces two completely different outcomes depending on a husband's internal state and relational trust. When a man approaches his wife with grounded curiosity and a track record of consistency, asking her to paint a clear picture of leadership creates clarity and opens the door for her to surrender to his frame. However, when the same question is asked from a place of uncertainty, neediness, or lack of daily attunement, it sounds like an exhausted request for a mother to manage another child.
The discussion explores how trust is rebuilt in small, consistent increments rather than sweeping gestures. True leadership requires a husband to be present with himself first, demonstrating daily attunement to his family's needs rather than relying on mind-reading or waiting for instructions. When a man earns credibility by honoring his word on small promises, he lightens his wife's mental load and creates the emotional safety she needs to step out of management mode and trust his direction.
00:00 - Introduction and Episode Preview
01:34 - The Community Post: A Wife Asks Her Husband to Lead
02:21 - The Two Core Questions: Painting a Picture and Asking to Surrender
04:42 - Why Asking How to Lead Can Backfire Badly
05:39 - Context Matters: Rebuilding Trust vs. Adding Mental Load
07:46 - What Leadership Looks Like in Practice: Starting Small
09:06 - The Difference Between Grounded Curiosity and Neediness
12:49 - Doug Holt Mid-Roll: A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage
13:42 - Lightening Her Load Through Daily Presence and Attunement
16:06 - Why Women Become Exhausted by Managing Their Husbands
18:07 - Being Present with Yourself to Become Present with Her
20:33 - Testing Small Decisions and Permission Slips for Growth
22:36 - Key Takeaways: Moving Away from Mind-Reading
25:47 - Closing Remarks and Contacting TPM
Why does asking my wife how to lead sometimes backfire?
Asking your wife how to lead can backfire if she is already exhausted from managing household logistics and feels you are asking her to do the mental work for you. If trust is low or you lack daily attunement, asking her for a checklist feels like needy deferral rather than grounded leadership.
What is the difference between needy leadership and grounded leadership?
Needy leadership asks a wife for instructions and approval out of uncertainty or fear of failing. Grounded leadership takes initiative, demonstrates daily attunement to the family, honors promises consistently, and seeks clarity through curious, confident conversation.
How can I start leading if my wife does not trust my decisions?
You must start small by consistently honoring minor agreements, taking care of daily tasks without being asked, and demonstrating reliability over time. Trust is built through stacked evidence of kept promises rather than large, sudden demands to take total control.
If you want to find out more about what we do at TPM, whether it is The Activation Method, The Inner Circle, The Brotherhood, or The Alpha Reset, send an email directly to VIP@thepowerfulman.com and an advisor will help you. You can also explore How to Meet Your Wife's Needs Without Her Telling You What They Are to build deeper attunement.
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Lawrence 0:00She wants a man who takes charge.
Tim Matthews 0:02And the idea of leading is very ethereal.
Lawrence 0:04Make her translate that.
Tim Matthews 0:06Paint a picture for me of what it means in your mind for me to lead.
Lawrence 0:10Are you willing to surrender to my leadership?
Tim Matthews 0:13Or it might be that she wants him to lead, but she doesn't trust his leadership.
Lawrence 0:18Leadership requires a follower willing to follow.
Tim Matthews 0:21For you to be present with her, you've got to be present with yourself.
Lawrence 0:23You don't have to be a mind reader. You just have to be present and achieve.
Tim Matthews 0:26What if you just asked her what she wanted and then did that thing?
Tim Matthews 0:40Hey, guys! So, in this episode, we're going to dive into what a guy's wife said to him in a couple's counseling session that really got him excited. This was a huge win for him, and when I shared this in the community with a couple of 1,000 men, we got some comments on there, and one of the guys really didn't understand it because when he tried this thing with his wife, it completely backfired.
It's all about leadership. It's all about taking the frame. So, if you're in a position whereby you've ever wondered, well, what does it mean to lead my wife? This one might help you. So, we'll see you on the other side.
Hey, guys! Welcome to another episode of the TPM Show. My name's Tim Matthews, and I'm joined again by Wild Card.
Lawrence 1:30It's like I'm a regular, isn't it?
Tim Matthews 1:31It is. It is.
Lawrence 1:33Great to be here.
Tim Matthews 1:34I love doing these with you. So, you wanted to bring something up? It's about a post I wrote yesterday in the community, just to give you guys a little bit of perspective.
So, this is in the TPM app. All the men that join The Activation Method, which is our eight-week program, all about how to fix your marriage without talking about it. All those guys in there, in The Brotherhood, in the Inner Circle, the guys in different masterminds. There's a couple of 1,000 people, I think, in there.
So, I put a post into there yesterday, all about leadership. So, I think Lawrence is going to read it out. I think there was a comment as well that we're going to read through. You can, by all means, read—I think there's only a few comments—you can share them. There is a point I'm going to want to clarify when we get to it.
Lawrence 2:18Okay, you want to read the whole thing out? Because—
Tim Matthews 2:20It's pretty short, isn't it?
Lawrence 2:21It's not that long. It's just spaced out a lot. So, it says:
Yesterday, one of the men that I work with told me his wife said she wanted him to lead. She wants a man who takes charge, and we hear that quite a lot. Sounds simple, right? Well, as I'm sure you know, it isn't because this came up after years of her not trusting him and not seeing the way he was already showing up.
So, here's what I told him to do: go back to her and ask two questions.
First, "Paint me a picture of what it actually means for you, to you, for a man to lead." I'm not getting him to ask for definitions; instead, a picture. Most of the time, "I want you to lead" is a feeling she hasn't translated into anything a man can act on. Make her translate that.
We want the specific behavior that is, that, that in her—that's in her mind—that means that he's leading. It doesn't mean that he has to do them, but he needs to know what it looks like to win.
Then the harder one: "Are you willing to surrender to my leadership?"
These two things can't be separated. She cannot complain about a lack of leadership and refuse to trust it at the same time. That's not a request for a leader. That's a test with no passing grade.
Leadership requires a follower willing to follow. The trust only gets built one way: someone takes a risk. So, the real question underneath hers is whether she's willing to take a risk.
Here's the part most men don't want to hear: If trust has genuinely been broken, you don't get to lead big on day one. You haven't earned the room yet. Your leadership might have to start small. One decision, one moment, one kept, kept word at a time, or one kept promise at a time, and grow as the evidence stacks up.
That's not a demotion. That's how trust is rebuilt. You learn small. You stay consistent, and you, you let reality do the convincing that words never could.
You've got this.
That was your, your post in the app. Great post, by the way. Love.
Thank you.
Tim Matthews 4:29I liked it.
Lawrence 4:30Was really good. Some of the comments. "This is exactly where I'm at. Thank you for this." I put, "I feel a podcast episode coming on."
Tim Matthews 4:39There you go. There you go.
Lawrence 4:42Somebody else put, "Time plus consistency plus stoicism plus heart plus honesty plus integrity plus empathy plus surrender plus humor plus God equals her choosing to let, let you." Okay. So that's, that's an equation. That's, that's a lot.
And then that, this one, this guy says, "Geez, whenever I've asked my wife what it looks like to lead or meet her, meet her needs, it backfires badly. She has told me that just makes it worse. That's a real turnoff. I shouldn't have to tell you, and that's, that's just adding to my mental load. She expects me to read her mind on what support she needs, or what supports her needs on any given week. I'm surprised you recommended this man, this man ask his wife what, what leadership looks like. I don't know what that means for my own family dynamics. Any direction?"
Tim Matthews 5:39Perfect. I think the guy who left the comment is in a very different context than the guy in the post. So the guy in the post has been doing a lot of very good repair work with his wife over a few years, and this came up for them in a couple's counseling session last week, and this is when she said, "Hey, I just want you to lead. I want a man to take charge." But she isn't willing to let him lead. That's, that's the crux of it because she doesn't trust him, and understandably so.
However, she keeps complaining to him, saying, "I want you to lead." Fair statement, fair desire, nothing wrong with it whatsoever. And essentially, by her continuing to bring it up, and him never asking the question, "What does it look like to you?" it turns into a little bit of a complaint, as though he is, I'll use the word, failing. He's not failing, but, hey, she's saying, "I want this thing, and you're not doing it." Essentially, right?
And the idea of leading is very ethereal, and it's also very personal too. It means one thing to one person. It could mean one thing to one lady and one thing to another lady. And it's very contextual to the relationship and what's going on in the relationship and how much trust there is.
And think about uni girlfriend. Her letting you lead is very different to what this wife is asking of her husband and what she's willing to do to let him lead. So she's asking for this from him. So I suggested, "Hey, do you know what that means?" He said, "No." "Have you asked her?" "No." "Okay. Well, I think you need to ask her. Paint a picture for me of what it means in your mind for me to lead."
"Well, you might do this, and you might do that, and you might do the other." Perfect. He can then choose whether or not he wants to do any of those things. It could get curious and go deeper on what that means for her, and maybe even ask her, "What does that provide you with?" Whatever.
Now the next piece, when she's pinning that picture, is, okay, yes, I'm willing to do those things, but are you willing to follow my lead when I do them? Because she's said to him over recent weeks that she wants him to lead, yet when he has gone to lead, she has resisted it.
Now maybe that's because he is leading in the wrong way. Hence, what does that mean to, to you? Or it might be that she wants him to lead, but she doesn't trust his leadership. So therefore, is she willing to follow it? Is she willing to take a risk? And if she is willing to follow it, or she's willing to take a risk, what does that look like? Where does that get to start? Do they need to start small?
Is it that, is it that she gets to let him plan a date for them in the next week, and she gets to just let him do it and plan it, and just tell her when they're gonna go and what time and what day and what to, what, what she might want to wear and, and that's it.
Lawrence 9:06That's a great example.
Tim Matthews 9:07Right? And if she's willing to do that, perfect. And it goes well, awesome. Maybe the trust grows and he can lead more. Maybe it doesn't even look like that for her.
Now the guy in the comment is completely different because his wife hasn't said she wants him to lead. He said, "I want to lead. Tell me what that looks like," and she's like, "Well, dude, you're not even attuned to where I'm at. There's all these things that you're not doing, that you're not seeing, that you're, all these ways in which you're not listening to me. I don't give a, I don't give a, a shit about your leadership. See me first, listen to me first. Do, I'm just guessing, right, do some of the basic things first, and then I'll be open to a conversation about your leadership."
The end. Energy of the guy in the comment, and I say this with love and respect, is uncertainty and neediness. The energy of the guy in the post is curiosity and, in itself, leadership. Because, okay, cool. I'm gonna initiate this clarity. I'm going to ask you the question. He wants former lead, so he's standing. He's holding frame, standing his ground, not crumbling, not becoming needy, genuinely being curious.
They actually had the session yesterday, so I need to ask him how these questions went. But he's, he's leaning in, and the other reason why I've asked him or suggested him to get clear on what it looks like is because she's had a hard time seeing all of the ways in which he has changed. Understandably so, because there's a lot of hurt and resentment.
So when she keeps bringing up the past, which has every right to do, and he said he validates and says, "Look, but I'm not that guy anymore. And here's why. Bum, bum, bum." And he stacks the evidence. She then kind of calms. I go, "You're right. That isn't what you do now."
So it's almost as well bringing her back to what it is that she wants. What does success look like? So he can then choose or not to, to do that thing. That can build trust, and then he can keep her focused. "Hey, well, I know you want me to lead, and look, this, this is what's going on."
Because there need, there just needs to be some of that in that particular relationship right now because she's scared. Has every right to be, doesn't trust some of the changes, and is safeguarding by holding on to the past because she doesn't feel comfortable in letting it go yet.
So two, two very different situations. There's a lot of deposits in the emotional bank account with the couple going through couples counseling. There's been a lot of repair work. Like I said, he's, he's doing a phenomenal job with the kids. He's honoring his word really well. He's very consistent in honoring his word. He validates. He stands firm when he needs to. There's a lot of change that's taken place the last few years.
I get the sense that's a very different relationship than the one with the guys in the, the guy in the comment. His wife, the guy in the comment, sounds like she's fed up with how he's showing up, honestly, and she doesn't want to tell him what to do again because she's tired of telling him what to do.
Lawrence 12:41That's exactly.
Tim Matthews 12:41I'm just going to say as it is. She probably gets, she probably feels like he's just another one of the kids that she has to look after and mother.
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Tim Matthews 13:42That's not going to sound. That's not going to land well, but it's the truth. Women complain about it all the time. "Life is easier when you're not around. You make it harder when you're here. It's easier when you're not."
Well, why is that? Because you add to their load instead of lighten the load. And the way that you lighten the load has been attuned, seeing the stuff that needs to get done, been in sync with the family, acts of service without being asked, taking the lead and the initiative on certain things and the decisions, and so on and so forth, lightens the load.
I don't get the sense that that's what's going on for this guy in the comment. I say again, I say it all with love and respect, and honesty too.
Lawrence 14:25So, is that your, is that the advice then for somebody who's in that, in his position? She, he says, you know, she says, "I shouldn't have to tell you." You know, you, you spoke, you know, you're supposed to know this. Get on.
Tim Matthews 14:35No, I don't think that's, I don't think that's right. I say right. I don't think that's healthy for a relationship. But she's just frustrated, clearly, right? Clearly, she's, she's got no, she's got nothing left in the tank. She's at a wit's end. She's like, "Another thing I've got to tell you to do."
I'm guessing you, broken his word a lot. I'm guessing he's not really very trustworthy. I'm guessing she's got to tell him what to do a lot. I'm guessing agreements get broken. I'm guessing, I'm guessing he's not leading himself, right? So there's not really any deposits that are being made in the bank account.
If there is, then he wouldn't feel. I get the sense there's a lot of hopelessness in the comment, right? If he was doing all those things to lead himself and been making deposits in the bank account, regardless of her mood towards him, he'd be a lot less swayed by her response, a lot more convicted in how he was showing up and why, and I think he'd enter into the conversation with her from a very different place, with a very different energy, and be able to respond to her initial reaction in a very different way, which will probably pave the way for a deeper and different kind of conversation.
Lawrence 16:06I think you need to develop the, the, the relationship to a point where she's asking for your leadership. Like you say, that, that was, that was, she's going to be receptive to it.
Tim Matthews 16:18Receptive, receptive to it. But I think she's probably been asking him to do things. He probably hasn't even realized she's been asking him to lead. She might have been asking him to do certain things around the house or help out with the kids. Or I'm totally theorizing, right?
And maybe he's been doing all those things, and she just is checked out. That's completely possible. So that could be completely way off. But again, given just, just read the comment once.
Lawrence 16:46Comment says, "Geez, whenever I've asked my wife what it looks like to lead or meet her needs, it's backfired badly." And again, I think that phrase tells a story.
Tim Matthews 16:55Because "Geez" is like, "Oh my God!" And then it sounds like he's asked her more than once, "Whenever I ask."
Lawrence 17:02And then the whole kind of "backfired badly." Like, I was expecting and anticipating this result, and I got a different result.
Tim Matthews 17:07Life would be easier, and tell me how to fix it. Tell me how to make it better. You just tell me what to do, and I'll do it.
Lawrence 17:14She told me, "It just makes it worse. It's a real turnoff. I shouldn't tell you."
Tim Matthews 17:18No, because it shows that he's not attuned to her and attuned to the family, and attuned to what's going on at home. That, that's, that's the, that's the thing. She, and I'm guessing she's probably had complaints and she's said things, but he's not attuned in that moment.
Lawrence 17:35I think supposed to come back. She expects me to, to, to read her mind on what's supporting her any given week, and it just reminded me. Just then, it just came to me very early on in my journey with, with TPM. I remember Doug saying, you know, he knows what books Erin's reading. He, you know, in the, he knows what, where she is on her menstrual cycle.
You know, he's engaged with her, so he doesn't have to be a mind reader because he knows that she's, you know, she's in a period now where she just needs some cuddles and stuff.
Tim Matthews 18:07She is not present. You're missing. You're missing all the signs and signals. So you're gonna have to feel like, "Oh, I need to be a mind reader." For you to be present with her, you've got to be present with yourself.
You know, how present is this, you know, this incredible guy? I'm, you know, I know him. I know him well, but I wonder right now, how present is he being with himself? How attuned is it to himself and where he is at, and what it looks like to him for him to lead himself? What does it look like to him for him to show up as a father? What does it look like? Is he doing these things? Or is he just blaming everything and everyone?
Lawrence 18:46No, I agree. I think on a, on a, on a more positive note, looking at the guy that, who's you wrote the comment about, I think that's a really exciting place for him to be because if she's asking, specifically asking for leadership, I mean, and you related it back to my, my relation when I first started seeing the girl I'm seeing now.
I said, you know, I, I sort of said, "We're going to meet here, and we're going to, we're going to go out to dinner. We're going to do this, and I'll meet you there." And she said to me, "I really like the way you took charge and organized the date and planned it."
So on the next day, I organized the date, planned the date, and bought a drink. So when she arrived, she had a drink. I chose her drink for her, and she went, "Oh, I love, I love that. I didn't have to think about what to order. I just came in, sat down."
The next day, I, you know, I, I ordered a meal. She came in. I said, "I've already ordered." She said, "Oh, thank goodness for that. I can just relax into this," you know.
Some women would have hated that, but she was giving me signals, and we were talking, and she was giving those, you know, and, and, and it just, it meant that she could come in. She's got kids and a busy day at work, and she could come down, sit down, and she didn't have to think about anything else. And she just there, and I knew what she liked.
You know, I'd taken note of the kinds of foods she liked, so I wasn't going to, you know, dish her up a, a plate of tripe or something. So I, I get it. I think it's a fantastically exciting place for him to be because then they can, you can explore that.
Tim Matthews 20:07It is, and his wife may not even know what it means to her, right? She just knows she has a feeling like, "Hey, I want something more with you." And she may struggle to articulate it, and that's totally fine. That's totally okay. Paves the way for a great conversation. And if she doesn't know and she can't articulate it, okay, are you willing to let me try some things? Are you willing to have fun with this? Exactly. Right.
Lawrence 20:33And then when, you know, it doesn't, if it doesn't work, it's like, "Oh, fucked up. Oh well, we tried something new, didn't we?"
Tim Matthews 20:40But at that point, it can't be held against him like he's failing on this leadership piece because they're both on the same page with what, what it looks like and what they're going to do.
Lawrence 20:48That's not exciting place for him to be.
Tim Matthews 20:49It's a great. He would have, a year ago, he would have paid a lot of money, given a lot of things to have his wife say that to him. It's a permission slip, right? "Hey, I want more of this."
So, I hope it doesn't come across like I am beating down on the last guy in the comment. That's not my intent, but I'm just being real that there's two very different situations here. I think the reason why it's gone badly for him is that this place that he's come from, the energy and how it's been approached and all that kind of stuff, right? The attunement piece, but also probably some of the things he's not doing, some of the basics in the relationship.
And she doesn't sound like she can count on him. Doesn't sound like she can rely on him. And if she can't rely on him, the guy in the post has, has become reliable. His wife can count on him. His wife now goes away and leaves him with the kids and doesn't worry about it. He's got four kids. She never used to do that. She's like, "Well, you wouldn't know what they want to eat. You don't know this. You don't know that. I'll just get loads of phone calls. It'll just be chaos. It's easy for me to be at home."
She goes away now, right? I don't get the impression, and I could be way off, that the wife of the guy in the comment would. She might go away, but I can't imagine she should be able to just relax and leave him to handle it.
Lawrence 22:16It is that attunement piece, isn't it? And I think, I mean, that's key, being, being alert and aware of the relationship, the dynamic, and the individual, and what they want and need out of, out of, out of that, out of life.
And so you do, you can, you can, you don't have to be a mind reader. You just have to be present and achieve. Excellent.
Tim Matthews 22:36What's your biggest takeaway from this one?
Lawrence 22:38I just, I, I just love it. I, I love this guy, this guy's wife being in a position to say, "Look, I want more leadership." And, and for me, what you said about, you know, exploring what that looks like, asking her, being upfront, and, and getting that information. Not a whole detailed list, a picture. That, that, what you said there. "Paint a picture. Just paint a picture for me. What does that look? What does that look like for you?"
And you mentioned it just in passing. Why? What does that give you? Because that could be very different, and that can help you to add extra things on.
So, so she said, she might say, "I really like it when you open doors for me. I want you to open more doors for me. I want you to, you know, maybe that's just the leader. You know, I'll, I, I want to walk on your left-hand side, and when you, and when we come to a door, I want you to open door. Open the car door for me."
And, and you might think, okay, that's, that's cool. I can, I can do that. It feels, you know, feels a good thing to do. Like I'm in, I'm in charge. I'm, I'm open. I'm taking leadership. That feels good.
But if you asked her why, why, why do you want me to open doors for you? You might get 10 different answers. Well, it's because I feel protected, or it's, I feel led, or I feel whatever. And you can take that emotion, the emotion that she's looking for, and you can apply that to other things in your relationship. So that, that why, I think, is really key.
Tim Matthews 23:58I think my takeaway is, I think as men, especially as business owners who are used to solving problems, I think it's easy for us to fall into the trap of thinking that we should be able to solve things like this without ever asking the question of, "What does it mean?"
"Oh, I should just be able to, you know, lead. I should be able to do that." Then we don't understand. Hang on a minute. What? Why is it? Why is the distance be? Why is it create an argument? Why is it? Well, we just ask. Does it? What does it mean?
And I think, I don't know whether it can be male pride or ego or whatever that can, or maybe fear. I don't, I don't know. It's different for everybody. That can hold a guy back from just asking the question, right? "Oh, you're looking stupid." I don't know, but it's so simple, and it's not so obvious, but it's so simple. "What does that look like for you? What do you mean by that?"
I think we'd make it a lot easier on ourselves if we asked more questions like that, rather than putting ourselves in a position where we have to guess, go off into the cave, journal, figure things out, come out, try something, didn't work, back into the cave, figure it out. Come out. Try something. Didn't work. Back into the cave. Figure it out.
Goes back to the story of, "Oh, I'm trying so much." Well, what if you just asked her what she wanted and then did that thing? It couldn't be as easy as that.
And then guess what? If that's how the relationship functions, maybe you also get to tell her what you want, and she can do that thing, and hey ho, you've got a relationship.
Lawrence 25:44Absolutely.
Tim Matthews 25:47Guys, thank you again for tuning in. We hope you've enjoyed the episode. If there's anything you want to find out about The Activation Method, the Inner Circle, the Brotherhood, The Alpha Reset, the brother events, I could go on and on.
Reach out to VIP, that's very important person, at thepowerfulman.com. One of the team will pick that up. They'll get back to you. Maybe it helps you. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe you join the program. Maybe you don't. But the point is, we'll do our best to get you something, or send you something, or somewhere that will move you along on your journey.
So, until next time, we'll see you again on the TPM Show.