The Power of Listening: Embracing Truth in Relationships

Episode #1172

Why is it so hard to hear honest feedback from the person you love most?

In this episode of The TPM Show, Tim Matthews and Lawrence Davis explore why many men become defensive when their wife or partner shares uncomfortable truths. While the instinct may be to defend, explain, or withdraw, those reactions often create even more distance in a relationship.

The conversation focuses on how feedback can feel like an attack on your identity, especially when your self-worth depends on external validation. Tim explains that many men hear, "You're not good enough," even when that's not what their partner is saying. As a result, they fall into what TPM calls DEAR: defend, excuse, explain, or react.

Rather than shutting down, Tim and Lawrence encourage men to stay present, breathe, and remain curious. They explain that emotional strength isn't about avoiding discomfort. It's about listening without immediately making the conversation about yourself.

Using real coaching experiences, they share how one man's relationship shifted dramatically after he learned to receive his wife's feedback without becoming defensive. Simply remaining open, validating her experience, and resisting the urge to react created a level of connection they hadn't experienced in years.

What you'll take away from this episode:

• Why your partner's feedback often contains valuable insight.
• How shame and ego can trigger defensiveness.
• What the DEAR pattern looks like in everyday conversations.
• Why breathing and staying present changes difficult discussions.
• A simple phrase that encourages deeper communication: "Tell me more."
• How curiosity can replace defensiveness and build trust.

Timestamp Chapters

00:00 Why difficult feedback feels personal02:01 The value behind uncomfortable conversations06:28 Understanding the DEAR response10:40 A real relationship breakthrough13:55 Staying open instead of shutting down16:46 Understanding fight, flight, freeze, or fawn20:29 Finding wisdom in difficult feedback22:38 Using "Tell me more" to create connection24:35 A practical challenge for this week

If you'd like a step-by-step framework for understanding what's causing disconnection in your relationship and how to rebuild trust, watch the Scales Free Training

The Powerful Man helps men develop stronger relationships, grounded leadership, and lasting personal growth through practical coaching and proven frameworks.

Transcription

Lawrence 0:00Feelings just come up.

Tim Matthews 0:01Oftentimes, the guys don't want to hear it.

Lawrence 0:04Initiate that, make that happen, and breathe through it.

Tim Matthews 0:08And fall into what we call DEAR that stands for defend, excuse, explain, or react.

Lawrence 0:12And it's either fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

Tim Matthews 0:16Just respond with, "Tell me more."

Lawrence 0:18Be prepared to hear the truth.

Tim Matthews 0:21Stand firm and remain open.

Lawrence 0:25We get to assign value to a feeling.

Tim Matthews 0:27Breathe. I think that's a great one. Breathe, feel your feet on the ground, whatever it may... whatever it may be.

Hey guys, welcome to another episode of The TPM Show. My name's Tim Matthews. I am your host, and I am joined by Lawrence "Wildcard" Davis.

Hey Tim, great to be here.

Yep, it's awesome to have you here.

Thanks, man. You seem very trepidatious.

Lawrence 1:00No, not at all. I'm extremely calm in your presence. You obviously create that container.

Tim Matthews 1:07Okay, so bondage.

Lawrence 1:08Knew you were going to do it. Go on, what do you want to talk about, bondage?

Tim Matthews 1:12Well, you tell me. You're the expert.

Lawrence 1:16That's not... that's not strictly true. We don't need to talk about bondage. What would you really like to talk about? We can talk about relationship dynamics, and we can talk a little bit about kinky relationship dynamics happy to do that. But I don't know... I'm not an expert in bondage by any stretch of the imagination. Don't know what you're talking about there. But if you'd like to have a discussion on kinkiness or sex or anything like that, I'm more than happy to do that for you.

Tim Matthews 1:43Yep, we'll save that for after, sure. Called his bluff! No, no, I am... I have no issue going there.

The feedback that hurts most is usually what you need to hear.

Lawrence 1:58Okay.

Tim Matthews 2:01So, most successful guys have a hard time listening to the one person that tends to know them the most. Who do you think that is?

Lawrence 2:15Their partner.

Tim Matthews 2:16Their partner their wife, or business partner?

Lawrence 2:20I would say, even in a business scenario, the wife is probably going to have some feedback. So I would say whoever... whoever's opinion you hold in the highest regard, I suppose.

Tim Matthews 2:36In this context, I'm talking about the wife. Because in my experience, both personal and with working with a lot of men over the past 10 years, oftentimes what the wife says carries a lot of merit. I wouldn't say it's often too far off the mark.

Broadly speaking I get, I understand there's nuance to that but broadly speaking, how she delivers it, be it what she says or how she says it, or because of the existing tensions in the relationship, resentments that may have built, an emotional bank account that may be running quite low... oftentimes the guys don't want to hear it.

I think as well, there's some kind of male ego and pride that comes in, because naturally we want to provide and we want to look a certain way and look good and all the rest of it, oftentimes anyway. And if we haven't done the work on ourselves, it can be quite devastating. In fact, to feel as though you've really slayed the dragon and accomplished something really meaningful for you, only to have it disregarded and to feel a lack of appreciation.

Equally, if we've done the work, we'd kind of... we might say it's a test, it's a safety test. Sometimes, you know, the way in which it's delivered, as I said a minute ago, there can be boundaries that come into play. But the point of this is, oftentimes there is so much wisdom I'm going to finish the sentence so much wisdom in what the wife has to say, but it can be kind of cutting that we miss the message and turn elsewhere where it feels more comfortable.

But if we're actually able to stand firm and remain open, and turn towards instead of turning away, and not have the feedback define us in any way, and also choose to accept or reject what might be coming but genuinely consider it would it lend itself to feeling more like a team?

Lawrence 5:13I think it's a really interesting subject, because I think that there are a number of men in the movement who work with their wives as well, and so you've got the business partner and the wife, and maybe actually a little trickier.

I think that is always tricky working with your wife. Maybe you might even give them a bit more weight in listening to, because they're in the business with you and they know that as well. So maybe that's a potential positive as well.

But I think... I think all of the stuff that's outside of you, no one in this world can make you feel something, right? Feelings just come up. It's my sincere belief that we get to assign value to a feeling or what a feeling is when we hear something.

So our wife gives us some feedback, or we hear something. We get to choose whether we accept that as a bad thing or a good thing. Now, it might hit you viscerally as kind of a bad thing and that's the... or a kind of, "Oh, I feel ashamed for that," or, "I don't feel good enough for that." But that's your initial emotion, that's your primary emotion. You then get to process that and think, "Well, okay, what am I being activated about here? What's my secondary emotion to that?"

Tim Matthews 6:28I think there's a... there's a before and after, isn't there? So the way I imagine this is before a guy has done any work on himself, and after a guy has started to do work on himself.

I'm just kind of spitballing with you, right, as we talk this through? Before a guy has done some work on himself, it's very easy to internalize what's coming up, and I think it's quite difficult to genuinely assign a meaning to it without it being reactive.

I think prior to a guy doing the work on himself when I say "the work," let me define that: beginning to truly understand who he is, what he wants, and the value that he brings to the world. That's in essence kind of what we do here at TPM, right? We give different programs and tools and so on, but the journey is one where a guy reconnects to who he is, what he wants, and really gets to embody the value that he brings to the world, and in essence then enjoys his journey and being himself and all the fun stuff that goes with it, right.

So prior to that, though, I think typically bell-shaped curve most guys are living from the outside in. I was. Most of us are. And when we live from the outside in, we're typically doing things for external validation: to look a certain way, to please a certain person, to earn respect or love or whatever it may be, or even sex to feel like we have to earn sex. It's a very conditional way of living, right? Kind of transactional, and that's the lens through which we can often view the world: "I'll do this for you, and you do this for me."

In that kind of reality, I think it's difficult to consciously assign a meaning to the feedback that you are receiving, whether it's from your wife or whoever. If it's from your wife, I think you're far more likely to get reactive to it and fall into what we call DEAR mode that stands for defend, excuse, explain, or react. Partly because you feel as though your self-image is on the line, and typically you want to look good in her eyes so that you look like you're a good provider, and thus you can get laid, quite frankly.

But prior to doing the work on yourself, it's easier, because of the external validation, to drop into shame. Now, that's the "before."

The "after" piece: when a guy starts to separate himself from a lot of codependent dynamics that can tend to go on in the "before" piece, and starts to realize, like I said, who he is and what he wants, the value he brings, and all the fun stuff that goes with it... it's much easier to do what you're saying and say, "Hey, okay, I hear the feedback. Thank you. I'm going to think on that. Yes, I agree. No, I don't. What do you mean by this? What do you mean by the other?"

The issue, though, is because... the issue that I see anyway, is because the wives have had their opinions rebuked or ignored so frequently for so long, they've either learned to begin holding them back because they don't feel listened to, and/or they get more vehement in how they're going to express them. And that could come across in disrespect. It could come across in trying to cut the guy down, it could come across in whatever it may be.

So, if you're actually able to hold space to receive the feedback and do so without it rocking you... this actually happened for a guy that returned from The Alpha Reset last week. He returned home after... I can't give too much away... he returned home, and he was met by a particular experience from his wife. And he was very uncertain what he was going to be walking back into for various different reasons.

Doug Holt 10:40Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I'm sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what's broken and not only even know what's broken, but a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That's the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you're going to be toiling with things.

That's why I created a free training: a training that only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have, to how you get it back. How do you retain that, where your wife's looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said "I do"?

You know, I don't know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I'm her man, I feel like I can conquer the world, and I want that for you. Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales. That's thepowerfulman.com/scales, and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you. Now back to the podcast.

Tim Matthews 11:42And she had some things to say. And because he could stand there, he listened to her, he heard her, he remained open, he didn't collapse, he showed that he understood where she was coming from... she completely softened.

He even gave her a kiss on the head and said, "Thanks, babe. Thanks for letting me know that's how you feel." And it just rolled off a duck's back. He genuinely, openly heard her and saw her.

The next two days, she was all over him all over him! He said, "Tim, she has gone from finishing work at 7:00 PM, coming home and spending more time on her laptop continuing to work, to now texting me saying, 'Hey, I'm going to finish work at 3:00 PM. Are you available?'" And then on her way back, she was going to be one minute late, so she texted me saying, "Hey, I'm going to be just one minute late."

She's now been drawn to him, and she's gone from basically how he would have described it pre-reset attacking him. Because pre-reset I was saying to him, "Hey, do you see how defensive you were being?" Because he showed me some texts some exchanges that they'd had and he was going on saying, "Hey, she's so like this," and I couldn't see anything wrong in the text. I mean, the dynamic wasn't great it was an unhealthy dynamic but he was being very defensive, and his whole energy around it was just... he was just shut down. He wasn't open, and we were laughing about it.

Now, post-reset, it's like, "Oh my god, I can totally see what you mean. I feel different." So his whole thing now, because like I said, he is remaining open to her, she's gone from just cutting him down and criticizing him to now being his biggest fan.

Lawrence 13:54Wow! Wow!

Tim Matthews 13:55It's been a week to 10 days, but the relationship in that 7 to 10 days is like nothing it's been in absolute years. Partly because the energy that he's bringing obviously the detachment from outcome and mood and all that fun stuff but also the ability of him to stand in the face of that feedback, remain open, not collapse, not react, not allow it to define him, allow her to have her emotions, have her opinions, have her feelings... and they could see one another in that moment, and they could join.

And that's what I mean about the before and after, right? Because the feedback that we often most need to hear... and I've heard guys say in the movement a lot of times how when they share with their wives what it is they're doing, the wife kind of says, "I've been telling you that for years."

So why don't they hear it? Well, they don't hear it because they feel like it's an attack on their character. What they hear is, "You are failing." What they're hearing is, "You are not a good enough man." The wife has never said, "You are not a good enough man,"...

Lawrence 15:06Never.

Tim Matthews 15:07...but they're dropping to shame, and that's what they hear and they feel, and then they get defensive, and that just starts this whole spiral.

But if you're actually able to not take it so personal, not internalize it, keep it in its proper place which is with her and her opinion and choose what you want to do with it and validate her, there can be some wisdom in it.

And the delivery of it can also then change. Because as you allow her to have a moment, you can then feed back to her, "Hey, I really appreciate you sharing your opinion with me. Next time, could you just deliver it in this way, or remind me in this way, or say this, or say that, if you feel the need to do so?"

Obviously, if lines are getting crossed and you feel like you're being disrespected, or called names, or whatever, then of course draw a boundary on that stuff.

But a relationship is a space between two people; it's how two people relate to one another. That involves seeing one another and sharing one's experience of the other. And the more open you are to hearing her experience of you, usually the more open she can become about hearing your experience of her.

Lawrence 16:28100%.

Tim Matthews 16:30Which for me is the kind of relationship I want to be in: one where there's open communication, where both people are seeing one another and sharing their experience in the hope of lifting one another up and furthering the purpose of the relationship.

Lawrence 16:46100%. I think pre-TPM, pre-the-reset, if I'd have a conversation like that where I'd get some feedback from my wife or my partner, the instant that that comes in, it immediately goes to my amygdala, and it's either fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. You know, become the nice guy, react badly, or my favorite one: withdraw flight. Run away from this situation; this feels uncomfortable, I'm gone.

Tim Matthews 17:18Big, scary monster.

Lawrence 17:19I'm terrified of any emotion.

Tim Matthews 17:22Four-foot-nine, little tiny woman in front of you!

Lawrence 17:26"Oh my god! Oh my god! It's going to make me feel something, and I don't like emotion. I'm leaving I'm leaving this environment!" And gone for days, and sulking, and all of that stuff.

Tim Matthews 17:36Child being told off by its mother.

Lawrence 17:37Little child being told off by his mother, and sulking, and having a pity party absolutely!

And I think the reset in particular, the movement in general but the reset in particular it kind of rewires your brain so that that comes in through the eyes and the ears, and it doesn't go to the amygdala. You can't avoid a feeling viscerally, particularly from somebody who you really respect, or you really value, or you want to... you know, maybe you want something from them, or something with a real sense of wanting to please this person or be thought of as worthy or whatever.

And you get this sense of... it almost goes from the amygdala straight into your prefrontal cortex, where you can process it a little bit more, and you can apply the teachings and the language that you're given around it, and all of that. And you get quicker over time to catch that, and you're able to use the breath.

"Okay, listen, engage in it. This is not painful. This is not hurting me." Sometimes it can be hard to hear; the feedback can be hard to hear.

Tim Matthews 18:49Oh, for sure.

Lawrence 18:50It's not about just, like, blanking off and not listening to it, or trying not to feel it. It's about sitting in that discomfort of being told something you don't want to hear something that's really, really hurtful and is affecting you. It may not even be true, you know may not be objective.

Tim Matthews 19:11But also, it might be.

Lawrence 19:12But it might be. But it's kind of like just allowing her to express what she's been feeling, and her perception of you, and what her truth is.

I know, you know, there is an objective truth, and then we all have our own truths. And I think, you know, it's like that picture of the circles have you seen the picture of the circles where you've got one big one, little one, smaller one, and then you turn it sideways, and it's actually like that, and it's a cone? It depends on what your perception of looking at that problem is. Your perception of the truth can be different.

And I think allowing that for her to experience, or for her to vent that, and then for you to experience that, and to thank her for it, and to keep that door, that gateway open... you can learn so much. That feedback is so much more valuable, because it's not just about what she says. It's about how she's saying it, how you're receiving it, and how you've received it in the past. There's lots and lots of learning that you can gain from that.

It's hard. I've been on the end of that, and I've had to breathe really hard through stuff that I felt was unjust, or wasn't true, or... you know, "Oh, I just want to... oh, but I..." and I'm having to bite my lip and breathe through it, and then realize, "Actually, she's got a point."

Tim Matthews 20:29That's the big thing, right? When the emotion... if there's a reaction, and you slip into defensiveness, or you feel the urge to defend... when that's happened for me, and I take myself away afterwards, and I sit with it for a day or so, sometimes I can arrive at that point of, "She's got a point. I can actually see her point of view."

When she said I did that, while I may disagree with the exact detail of how something played out, the message that she is conveying... I can see that. And it's difficult, because as successful guys, we can hold ourselves to high standards, and that can become an identity: "I am somebody who..." right? And the strongest force in our psychology is a need for us to stay consistent with who we think we are.

So, in order to be open-minded to the possibility that that isn't how you have been, it can be difficult. And then to consider the consequence of your actions on someone you love, and the potential implications on the relationship... or, you know, you've been working on honoring your word, and you realize you've broken your word... it can be hard. It can be hard.

But also at the same time, in those moments, if you don't drop into defensiveness and therefore shame, and instead you can stay connected to yourself and keep it outside of you so you don't internalize it, and you can hear what she's saying and the emotion that she's communicating beneath it, and how she might be feeling, and you can validate her... it can turn into a real moment of connection for you guys. And you can consider what you might want to change and what you might not want to change.

I don't think she's sharing it for you to necessarily change your behavior, unless it's something egregious that she's really unhappy with. But she wants to know that if she tells you something, that you're going to be open to listening to her, and to the prior point, you're not going to shut down like a little kid being told off by his mother.

Lawrence 22:36Like part of the team.

Tim Matthews 22:38Exactly. She's not wanting to tell you how to behave. And I think if she did bring feedback over to you, and you constantly adjusted your behavior every time there was feedback... I think no, she wouldn't want that, because she wants you to be your own man, where you can actually just make your own mind up and do your own thing and live your own life. And yes, that means teaming up with her and collaborating and taking things on board, and to your point, then making up your own mind what you want to do with that, whatever that may be.

So I have a little challenge for you guys. If this is resonating with you, the next time your wife gives you some uncomfortable feedback, I want you to take a breath to Lawrence's point and I want you to say, "Tell me more." Just respond with, "Tell me more," and open the doors to the possibility of going deeper into what it is she's talking about.

Breathe. I think that's a great one. Breathe. Feel your feet on the ground, whatever it may... whatever it may be.

But if you're actually able to sit with the uncomfortable truth, regardless of whether you agree or disagree in the moment, but without getting defensive... in my experience, there's often some wisdom in it, either for you, or for the relationship, or the wisdom could be the fact that you disagree. But it opens up a conversation. Doesn't have to open up a conversation about why you disagree.

Lawrence 24:12And that reaction... just recognize it as just your ego trying to protect you. It's just an attack on your ego, and that's fine. If you see it as an attack on that rather than an attack on you as a person, that'll help you to allow you to listen and hear the feelings behind what she's actually saying, and not just the words.

Tim Matthews 24:31Beautiful. One takeaway for the men?

Lawrence 24:35Do that. Do exactly what you just said. Get out there. Do it this week, if you have the opportunity, or even initiate it ask for some feedback on a particular issue. "What is your experience of me? What is your experience of this thing, this decision I've just made, or I'm thinking about making?"

You know, initiate that, make that happen, and breathe through it. Be prepared. Be prepared to hear the truth, because our wives just want us to hear them. Put yourself in that position, breathe through it, and thank them for it.

Tim Matthews 25:10Beautiful.

Awesome experience, guys. Thanks for joining us again on another episode of The TPM Show.

If you want to find out more about what we do with The Alpha Reset , The Activation Method, whatever it may be, then send an email into VIP that's Very Important Person VIP@thepowerfulman.com.

And again, as always, thanks for tuning in. It means the world to us. We love doing these for you guys, so we'll see you next time on The TPM Show.