Trading Your Suit for a Tent: Why Adventure Can Save Your Marriage

Episode #736

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Transcription

Doug Holt  00:34

Hello, guys. Welcome back to another episode of the Powerful Man Show. And if you are watching this on YouTube or any of the other video channels, you’re in for a treat because I am joined by both Tim Matthews and Arthur Magoulianiti, two world renowned coaches here. We’re at The Ranch, the TPM Ranch, having a great time. Lots of laughs, lots of giggles. But something that we both, or all three of us love is adventure. And one of the things I want to talk about today, guys, is how adventure can save your relationship.

Tim Matthews  01:16

Whao, beautiful!

Arthur Magoulianiti  01:16

Nice.

Doug Holt  01:16

So when I think about my marriage and my relationship, something my wife and I did early on was a lot of backpacking. We go backpacking. We’ve white watered the Grand Canyon together. We did all kinds of adventures. But somehow a lot of times these adventures dissipate. Right? You have kids, young kids around, it makes it harder to get out. Kids are crying and just life starts to happen more and more. But as something that I focus on with my wife is how do I create the adventure in the marriage, in the relationship. And each time we do that, we just both took up skiing again at an older age, but we took it up. And so that’s got an adventure component. And each time we do that, it brings us closer and closer together. So I want to talk about that today.

Tim Matthews  01:50

Yeah, I’ve just seen something similar happen for Amelia and I with the campervan. Right? Such a, I say a last minute idea. It’s been a bucket list thing for years for both of us, but never really seriously spoken about getting one. And then, yeah, two or three months ago, I was randomly journaling about adventure and adventure in the relationship, actually. And for some reason, the van idea surfaced again.

And I remember that morning going on and looking on Facebook Marketplace for a campervan and found one, actually, that was very close to where we lived. So I booked a viewing for it for that evening. It called Amelia on my way back from the gym and said, hey, look, be ready for 07:00 p.m. We’re going to go see a campervan.

She’s like, what? Yeah, we’re going to go see a campervan. It wasn’t the right one in the end, but it was a first step that led to the next one and just began the dream and the adventure and, yeah, just how much excitement it injected into the relationship, and it just introduced another layer to it, and that was only an ideation of it. Then when it actually arrived and we’re able to go out in it and do things in, it definitely leveled up the passion, the excitement, the connection, the fun, and gives you something new to talk about as well. Right? Something new to experience together.

Doug Holt  03:09

Yeah, I think that’s one of the things is it gives you something new. You’re trying new things. I look at skiing, right? You get in a childlike state. It’s challenging, but there’s also challenges in marriages and the challenge in an adventure. And challenges in marriages can be parallel, right? They can correlate. And when you look at an adventure and you’re overcoming challenges together. So skiing, for my wife and I, right, there’s challenges. I’m this 46 year old guy falling down a mountain, basically, that happens to have snow on it. There’s challenges. And how do you overcome those hurdles together and you put any two people in a challenging environment. When you overcome a challenge, you accomplish something together.

The same could be said with marriage. Right? A marriage has challenges, all of them. I often jokingly say, show me a perfect marriage that never has any challenges. I’ll show you two liars or people that are just so bland that they’re disconnected. So the adventure can not only provide bonding because you’re overcoming something together, but it can also provide the opportunity of correlating. Hey, we’re able to handle this challenge. We can handle the challenge in our marriage, too. And I think that gives couples the reassurance and the confidence to move forward in a good direction.

Arthur Magoulianiti  04:19

Yeah, I love that. And I think it’s key because what happens in challenging situations, emotions go high and people bond when emotions are high in a situation, two people are together, both being challenged, both helping each other, both working at something in that moment that bonds you even more. Reminds me, you know, recently I went to Japan, as you know, and we climbed Mount Fuji, and it was me and Penelope and six others. And it was tough. It was tough for me. It was tougher for her. But the fact that we were holding each other, supporting each other, moving up together, meant so much for both of us. Right?

And we both got to the top, which is, I was really proud of her because she hasn’t done any hiking, like, in recent years. And so that was just pure obstinacy. I think I’m getting there, but we got there together and we got down together. And I think just being in Japan together, having that to look forward to going through that challenging situation together, overall, we just came back in such a better spot than we’ve ever been because we had that time together as well as the challenges during that time.

Doug Holt  05:27

Yeah, I think that’s a perfect example for a couple of reasons. One, when you overcome a challenge, you release endorphins, right? Because you’ve achieved something. And when you achieve it with somebody else, you have more oxytocin through the brain. You bond. You have that bonding component. But here’s the other thing. Nature. Nature has that grounding effect for all of us. It’s been scientifically proven. So you combine the element of nature, which also has freedom and everything else that comes in there with the bonding, it becomes exponential. Right?

Tim Matthews  05:56

I was thinking about adventure and challenge and what a man demonstrates as well when he shows up in those two spheres, because typically there’s going to be a lot of leadership. A lot will get demonstrated by the guy if he’s initiating the adventure, if he’s doing something exciting, encouraging the woman as well, that she can do it, too, or she should come along or whatever it may be. Think about you and Alaska. Right? In taking Erin, I am going there, direction of purpose, you were very clear, which will naturally then build a sense of safety, security in the woman as well. So there’s a lot of polarity that can be experienced through adventure and challenge when it’s led in the right way by the guy.

Doug Holt  06:37

There’s also an element of danger. Right? With outdoor adventures, there’s an element of danger that comes in, and with an element of danger comes an element of risk and an element of trust, and it gives the man an opportunity to step up and step into his leadership. Now, how do you overcome fear? How do you lead? Right? You climbing Mount Fiji with Penelope, like you said, it was tough. It was tougher for her. And so she got to see you outperforming her, for lack of better term, and not that that’s what you were doing, but it’s got to be going through her head is, my man can handle this. My man can handle himself. That’s sexy for a woman, right? All women. Why do you think women like firefighters and guys that do adventures and things of that nature?

Also, when you combine that nature element, it’s not that long ago that human beings were out in nature a lot, right? There is some innate thing that happens when we’re in nature for men and women, right? And if you add that element of danger in here, like we were here at The Ranch and you asked me last night, you thought I was messing with you, like, what kind of apex predators are out here? I’m like, oh, there’s bears, there’s mountain lions, there’s coyotes. You’re like, stop messing with me. I’m like, no, they’re here.

There’s other things too, but it gives you that element of like, okay, I need to question whether I’m going out for that night walk or not, what the risk factors are. You bring that into a relationship as well, and it’s got an element of risk. And think about sex. Sexy, like really hot sex scenes in a movie have an element of passion, an element of risk, and an element of coming together through something. No pun intended, right? Coming in. And I think you add the nature element. Now, you could take that same sex scene and put it out in the middle of the savannah in a safari tent. Come on.

Arthur Magoulianiti  08:22

Yeah, yeah. We got to be clear here, because the opposite of adventure, of excitement, of all of this, right? It’s structured, it’sboredom.

Doug Holt  08:33

Boredom.

Arthur Magoulianiti  08:34

And that’s what kills relationships, is having the same thing happen day in, day out. And so we got to move along this continuum. And I see it as a straight line. You got your structure over here or your routine over here, and you got your adventure over here. And we need both.

Tim Matthews  08:51

Oh, big time.

Arthur Magoulianiti  08:52

Too much adventure can get a little bit stressful. Too much structure and routine can get boring. And so we got to be able to move up and down this because we need both.

Doug Holt  09:03

Yes. I mean, so fast forward five years from now, if I’m sitting down having coffee with Penelope and I’m saying, tell me one of the best moments of your marriage. She’s not going to be like, you know what it is? It’s when we got up at eight in the morning, had coffee, took the kids to school, she’s going to say, climb Mount Fuji with Arthur. Right?

Arthur Magoulianiti  09:20

Exactly.

Doug Holt  09:21

Those are the things, the adventures that stretch us, bring us closer together. And we had a previous episode where, talking about the power of the boardroom, bringing it to the bedroom, basically. And it’s similar here.

Tim Matthews  09:31

Big time.

Doug Holt  09:32

Where’s that power coming through? Where’s that energy coming through? But where are you? Also creating lasting memories and mystery. And that’s something that most guys missed with adventure components. There’s a level of mystery. You don’t know what’s going to happen. A lot of variables can come and play. When you’re climbing Mount Fuji, you’re going skiing, you’re going in the camper van. Where are you going to sleep tonight? What’s going to happen? What are you going to see? Ooh, are there going to be people that are going to try to mess with my van?

There’s all these adventures, right? Can Tim handle it? If people come, all kinds of things come into play. That creates an element of mystery, of sexiness and all that comes there, which brings us all closer together.

Tim Matthews  10:11

Yeah, I think a lot of guys as well struggle to even think of what they could do that’s adventurous, right? Because so many guys, when they come to us, at least, have just stopped dreaming. They’ve stopped doing things for themselves. They’ve lost touch with the passions, with their hobbies, and life has become very vanilla for them. It’s been become a lot about sedation, right? Get home, have a cocktail, veg out in front of the TV or even stay at work longer. But it’s all about sedation and they’ve lost touch with it.

Doug Holt  10:41

Yeah. It’s a great way of creating memories too. Right? That’s another thing that people don’t think about. Like creating shared memories and shared experiences brings you closer together.

Tim Matthews  10:49

Oh, big time.

Doug Holt  10:50

And when you talk about our guys that we work with want to have more sex, but they want to have more connected, passionate sex, they don’t want to just have masturbatory sex with a human. So you need those shared memories and experiences to become closer, to become more intimate. Also, I was leaving a message for a guy right between these shows that we’ve been putting on, and I was talking about him. I said, your relationship is like a bank account. Most men are over withdrawn with the bank. They haven’t been making payments on the loan. Right? And the bank is tired of it. And so these experiences are like putting not only payments, but you’re paying principal plus interest and you’re paying ahead of time, so that when the tough times come, which they’re going to happen, you’re able to withdraw from a surplus. And it makes those tough times not seem as bad.

Arthur Magoulianiti  11:38

Yeah. And I also think in a relationship, we have to allocate time for the couple to be away on their own where possible. Where possible. And I know some guys can’t do that, but a lot of people can. You can organize daycare, babysitting whatever it is. And it’s important. It’s important to go away with your partner so you can just spend good time away from home, away from the day to day routine, talking about who’s going to take the kids away, talking about day to day stuff so that you guys can focus on each other.

Tim Matthews  12:15

Reconnect.

Arthur Magoulianiti  12:16

And reconnect.

Doug Holt  12:15

Well, Banff, I’ll take that as an example, you know, my wife and I went to Banff before we took the guys. We were there a week early, and we were with the kids. The kids are three and six. We don’t live near family, and our extended family aren’t in a position where they can watch the kids. So what do we do? So we did a lot of research, and we found out that there are verified and vetted babysitting services within Banff that we booked twice so we could have our own independent time.

Now we’re away from home, right? We’re out having an adventure together, be it a mild one, but we’re exploring a town, having drinks, eating new food, going from place to place as if we were dating. Meanwhile, knowing that our children are well taken care of. Right? So she’s able to put that aside as a mother first and foremost, therefore able to slip into her feminine, able to be herself. I’m able to make sure the kids are okay, provide. Now, I can provide a great, fun experience that I want to have and that she’ll enjoy as well.

And those are ways that you can mitigate it, guys, because, look, I get it. I don’t have the family around. I don’t have somebody that can just pop over and watch the kids for a day so we can take off for an overnighter as easily. Second thing we did, we got a two bedroom. We’ve spent a little bit more money, but we had a two bedroom suite. So we could put the kids in one room, we could go in the other, put them to bed. Nothing wrong with a little melatonin gummy every now and then for the kiddos. Night night, door locks. And we have some intimate time. And we can have that intimate time because we’re also having the adventure time.

And we have family fun. We have tons of fun with the kids, hiking, exploring. And I’ll give one more and I’ll stop talking about my experience. But I think it parlays into this, which I didn’t think is we were driving towards a lake, and then one of the kids said, oh, wow, a waterfall. And it was off the distance in the mountains.

And so I didn’t say anything and we get off the freeway, and all of a sudden, I start turning, and my wife’s like, where are you going? I go, I’m going to that waterfall. And I pulled into, like, a dirt lot. The waterfall is closer, but I don’t know where it is. We all get out of the car, and we start hiking through the brush, and there’s grizzly bear potentials, all these things, to get to this waterfall. Everybody’s scared and excited, and they’re following me and stay close to dad. And we get up to this amazing waterfall, and the kids are having the best time because they’re at the bottom of a waterfall and no one’s around. My wife’s glowing.

So we’re putting in those experiences and those deposits. And when we left Banff, that was the number one experience that everybody reported having was that waterfall adventure. Because, again, there’s the mystery, there’s an intrigue, there’s the danger, and there’s all these elements built into it spontaneity.

Tim Matthews  14:53

Thinking that. Yeah. Spontaneity.

Doug Holt  14:54

That allows for the outdoor adventure.

Tim Matthews  14:58

So three takeaways, then, for the listeners who are realizing the power of adventure and wanting to get more of it back.

Arthur Magoulianiti  15:07

I think just say yes more often. Say yes to the adventure. And when you’re on the adventure, say yes to the waterfall.

Doug Holt  15:13

Yeah, that’s a great one. Yeah.

Tim Matthews  15:18

Wow. I think saying yes is such a big one because the guys are so often so used to saying, no. Take risks. Yeah. Just take the risk. Be willing to get it wrong. Like going to the waterfall, you took the risk. Right? It could have gone a completely different way, but I think just being willing to take the risk and being willing to just flex and flow with whatever comes up and still make the most of it and maintain a positive attitude is really important.

Doug Holt  15:44

I’m going to speak directly to the men in our movement. Right? And, guys, if you’re not in the movement of the powerful man, get your ass on board. But to men in The Brotherhood and inner circle, bring your partner to Ecuador, or, excuse me, Argentina. Bring them for the beginning or the end. Bring them on your adventure. Tie it in. Right? Do that. It was an idea we’ve talked about for a long time, and I finally brought my wife and my kids on to Banff, where we were, and I’ll be doing that moving forward. There’s a few tweaks and twists that I would do, but I think bring them. Bring them along for your adventure.

Now you get to go off and do your own mysterious thing, or what have you either before or after, but bring them. Use that as a vehicle for adventure because all too often, right, guys are like, well, I don’t know what to do. To your point, Tim, I’m not sure what adventure to do. You guys are in a unique position where you’re having a pre-planned adventure for yourself. All you have to do is tack on a few extra days or nights to this adventure and you could bring a magical experience into your family, into your relationship, at least twice a year.

Tim Matthews  16:46

It’s great idea.

Doug Holt  16:50

Awesome, guys, I love the topic. Gentlemen, as we always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. And we’ll see you next time on the Powerful Man Show.

All right, guys, that’s a wrap for this episode. But as I always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. You see, there are two types of men that listen to a podcast like this, those that go on from one podcast or show to another just hoping things are going to change and realizing that they’re going to be in the same place month after month, year after year.       

You see, I was this guy so I completely get it. You may just not be ready. But there’s also a second man, a second man that listens to a show just like this. And this is a guy who takes massive action so they can shorten the learning curve, compress time, and get RESULTS to be the WOLF. See, WOLF is an acronym for Wise, Open, Loving, and Fierce.

Now ask yourself, which one am I? And just be honest with yourself there. And there’s no judgment on my end. But if you’re ready to move from deactivated DEER mode, which is Defend, Excuse, Explain, and React to activated WOLF, Wise, Open, Loving and Fierce, then go over to thepowerfulman.com/grow. And go there now. In fact, I’ll make it super easy for you. I will even put the link right in the description here so you can just click it and go over there now to learn more. Guys, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Go from deactivated to activated, because like I said, life is too short for average and I’ll see you on the next episode!