What To Do When Your Wife Is Checked Out

Episode #746

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Tim Matthews  00:22

Hello, everybody, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I am joined again with my good, good friend Mr. Magoulianiti, my brother. And again, as I like to do, I’m going to drop you in it.

Arthur Magoulianiti  00:37

Thanks.

Tim Matthews  00:38

We’re just discussing topics. You’re like, oh, that’s a tough one. Let’s do it. So I’ll let you open it up. On that note, I’d love to get your opinion on what to do when your wife’s checked out.

Arthur Magoulianiti  00:54

Yeah, this is a really interesting subject, challenging, because there can be a whole number of reasons why she’s checked out. But I think the first thing we got to do, and this is what we always do, is we got to look at how we are showing up. She’s checked out. Perhaps she’s disconnected. Perhaps she’s been trying to connect with you. There could be any number of reasons, but that’s usually it. There’s a disconnection lost. You guys got into a relationship because you found enough in each other to want to proceed in an intimate relationship. Fast forward. She’s now checked out. Obviously, something’s gone wrong, and she hasn’t got or she hasn’t received what she felt she needed. So now she’s starting to check out.

And so we got to look at ourselves. We got to clean up our side of the street, as we like to say, and see, what have I done or not done that has contributed to this situation? And then we need to address that first.

Tim Matthews  01:56

Yeah, I love that. The thing that comes to mind for me is if you are still living in the same house, then you can do some things, in my opinion, that can reignite the mystery, that can pique her curiosity and begin to get her attention. It works different degrees, different guys. To your point, it depends how much disconnection there is.

However, in my experience, whenever I have coached the guys on this, getting them to start doing the ARS Alpha Rise & Shine, right? Because, again, if they’re living together, even if they’re in separate rooms, all of a sudden, the wife starts to see the guy waking up earlier, taking himself off for a morning walk working out, reflecting on himself, and he’s doing them for himself. To your point, he’s looking at himself and how he is showing up. And this is a key point. He sees the value in him changing because he wants to be a better man, not to get her attention. That’s a key thing here, because if you do it to get her attention, she’s going to feel it and sense it, and you are not going to be consistent, which is a second thing.

So you change up your routine. That begins to pique some curiosity, oh, what’s he doing? Why is he doing that? What is going on over there? You got to be consistent with it. You got to do it for the right reason as well. I’ve seen a lot of disconnect begin to erode from that one simple thing, especially the working out piece, because at this point the guy starts to take better care of himself.

Typically, he will also begin to dress a little bit better, he’ll be a little bit more well groomed, starts to remind him of, or remind her, rather of the guy that she met and married. It goes to the idea of SMV as well, sexual market value. As the guy begins to start investing in his own stock again, if we imagine him being a stock on the sexual marketplace, is that stock price rising or falling?

Well, typically when the guys come to us, it’s falling because they’ve stopped looking after themselves, they’ve stopped being an interesting guy, right? They’ve given up hobbies, they’ve given up interest, they’ve stopped hanging out with other guys. They’ve got a lot of sedation going on. Be it overworking, be it drinking, be it food, be it TV, social media, whatever, right? So the guys are disconnected from themselves. The guys have checked out from their own life.

So no wonder that the wife is checking out from the relationship. She’s following the lead that the guy has set. Right? So if the guy chooses to change his direction, typically she’s going to begin to change it, too. Now I get it. There’s caveats. It depends also what the guy has done and how much mud there is on the glass. But I think if the guy starts out by doing this one thing and he’s consistent and he does it for the right reasons, and then also he learns how to validate his wife and listens to connect instead of listens to solve, and becomes aware of the idea of shit tests and how the woman is always going to be testing the masculine. Because I think prior to that, the guys listen to solve instead of listen to connect.

When she doesn’t want to be solved, she then doesn’t feel seen or heard at the same time. I think the guy sees her shit tests as criticism and they take them personally, which has them fall into dear, defend, excuse, explain, react which screams, insecurity, neediness, desperation. Right? Which further pushes her away because she senses it. That’s not a safe place for her to land. Right? So I think learning how to validate understanding the shit test as well is a key piece. And then finally the clean slate piece. And I know I’m describing the activation method. That’s not my intent. I’m just running through what I’ve seen work. But look, this is why we put it together.

Arthur Magoulianiti  06:19

That’s true.

Tim Matthews  06:20

This is why it works. Now, we have seen men bring their marriage back from the brink of divorce. Guys that have been in this position, that have been handed divorce papers, turn it around. I’ve even seen guys that are living separate from the wife that do this same thing, that have been handed divorce papers and turn it around.

Obviously, I’ve also seen guys have been handed divorce papers and haven’t turned it around because they’ve left it too late. And the wife honestly doesn’t trust that these changes are going to last. She doesn’t trust that they’re doing them for the right reasons and is honestly annoyed that they’ve left it so late. And it’s taken for her to move out. It’s taken for her to find her own path, for them to finally make a change. I hear this all the time too late.

Yeah, I actually heard it from one of Amelia’s very good friends. She was telling me a situation going on there that the literal words from her good friend about her husband is the changes are good, but why has he left it so late? Why is he left until now, after all these years of me saying things, for him to finally change?

So I get there’s some outliers to this situation. I don’t want to make it sound like The Activation Method is the one stop shop. And it works every single time because it doesn’t save marriages every single time. It works a lot of the time, but also takes the guy, making sure it takes action in a timely manner. But, yeah, just wrapping this up, because now I’ve been on a bit of a monologue here.

First piece, becoming a man of interest again, right? Looking at yourself to your point. Routines, hobbies, self-care seems to be a theme today. Second piece, learning how to then validate her communicate in a way that has her feel seen and heard. The third piece is then taking care of your side of the street, which is where the clean slate letter comes in. Right? Taking responsibility in a way whereby you actually acknowledge the impact of your actions on that person and what you are committed to moving forwards.

Arthur Magoulianiti  08:29

Yeah, basically, it’s like building that bridge again, but you got to reinforce, you got to put in the foundations first on your side to build this bridge over to her, to connect with her.

Tim Matthews  08:38

Yes.

Arthur Magoulianiti  08:39

And to reconnect with her. And it all starts with, as you say, sorting out your side of the street. She’s given up hope, 100%. She’s given up hope in seeing and receiving what she felt she needed from you or was in the past. And that can be for a number of reasons. Maybe you focused on your business too much. Maybe something else came up. It doesn’t matter. She’s lost hope that you’re going to be able to provide for her in the way that she needs. A lot of guys get caught up saying, well, I’m providing. She’s got the house, she’s got the car, she’s got the money. Yeah, that’s all great. And that’s not what she needs.

Tim Matthews  09:16

Someone she wanted anyway.

Arthur Magoulianiti  09:18

Yeah, exactly. She wants you. She wants you showing up authentically. She wants to feel you connect with your heart. And so that’s the journey that you got to make from your head, perhaps, to your heart, to be, instead of do and show up, as you said, consistently, so that she can then start trusting you again. And that might take a while, depending on what’s happened. And that’s why consistency is so key. This is not a band aid. You have to fundamentally shift how you’ve been showing up and do it for the right reasons, because energetically, if you do it for the wrong reasons, she’s going to feel that and it’s not going to help. You’re just going to make matters worse. And there’s nothing worse than starting to make some changes. She starts getting some hope because she’s watching, even though she might be checked out, she’s watching everything, she’s feeling everything.

And if you start shifting and changing, you’re going to start creating some hope in her. And if you shut that down, well, then that’s mean. If you stop doing that and you shut down that hope, then that makes things even more difficult and challenging. So cleaning up your side of the street, showing up authentically, powerfully in all the ways that Tim, you just mentioned, and then being consistent with that, because then you start building up momentum, you think of it like a bit of a stream train or a locomotive or whatever. As it pulls out of the station carrying all this weight, it’s struggling, but slowly but surely it builds the momentum. If it stops, then it’s got to start building all of that up again and it gets just more difficult and more difficult.

So making these changes is key, then staying consistent until you have the momentum going behind you. Then things become easier. And we’ve seen it time and time again. It can be a simple two overnight. It can change. We’ve seen that example. And as you said, it’s amazing how quickly things can shift from separate beds, separate houses. We’ve seen a lot happen in an incredibly short period of time. And that’s the thing.

A lot of guys think, oh, it’s been like this for years. It’s going to take years to shift. It can shift in a week, in a day. Well, maybe a day might be a bit of optimistic, but it can. Because what does it come down to? It’s your state, your energetic state. And the minute you shift that in the proper way, in the way that we show you how, then the other person will feel that straight away.

Tim Matthews  11:47

I think a key point here kind of goes back to the previous episode. Is this idea that guys think, oh, well, I have built this for us, I did this for them. She is ungrateful. She should appreciate how hard I have worked. Listen, you’ve done it for yourself, and that’s okay. That’s not a bad thing. But just accept the fact that you’ve built this business because you have enjoyed building it.

Now, guys listening to this may think, I have not enjoyed building this has been stressful. This has been tough. Look, regardless, it has met some of your needs, be it conscious or unconsciously. Goes back to the past, previous episode, right? This idea of not being good enough and that unconsciously driving their behavior. So they work and work and work and all those other beliefs that go with that in order to look a certain way and fill a void that’s inside of them. But the more money they make, the worse they feel, right? Because the more they have the things that they thought were going to be the answer and they’re not.

I think that one of the key things here is for the guys to really get real with themselves, that the reality is you have done this for yourself, not for her and not for the family. That’s a bonus. Right? And the other thing is, to your point, she never wanted this. It just brings me back to something Amelia said to me. I’ve shared this many times.

But I just think it was so wise when she shared it with me. We’re out walking one time, I’m sure you know what I’m going to say. And she’s like, Tim, you just don’t get it, do you? What are you talking about? I don’t get it. We meaning Penny, Amelia, Erin, and the wives of the men in the movement. We are with you guys in spite of your business, not because of your business. You don’t get how difficult it is to be with a guy like you. Right? You think differently. You’re not the same as the rest of most of the population who will work a job nine to five. And I know what to get. I know. Then at 05:00 p.m. You switch off. We’ve got every evening, every weekend, get this set vacation a year. I knew what I was signing up for. And I love you in spite of this. Right?

And I think that’s something that guys often mistake. They think that this business they’ve built, the home they’ve built, the bank balance they’ve built, are the things that keep her coming back for more. If it is actually, that’s a red flag, but they’re the things that keep her coming back for more. So when she then disconnects, I think this is one of the reasons why the guys ignore the warning signs, too, because they think they’re doing all the right things.

So when she disconnects. I’ve seen some guys make the mistake of getting angry and frustrated in the beginning. How could she do this? She should appreciate it more. If she didn’t have this life, she would definitely be upset or angry or whatever it may be. Right? I think one of the key things is getting in. Reconnecting from a position where your wife is checked out is letting go of those faulty beliefs and making peace with the fact that you’ve done this for you. To your point, underlying the under, getting clear on the underlying reason as to why you’ve done it.

So you can then see the need to make the change for you so you can be consistent with that. Because if you don’t come from that place, and again, you do it to get her approval or her external validation, it’s not going to last, and you will not recover from that point. Well, the marriage will not recover from that point.

Arthur Magoulianiti  17:43

Yeah. I think we have to reinforce, reemphasize the fact that you’re providing for the family and, and that’s your responsibility, you know, and at the same time, you are not, you know, if she’s not feeling her needs met, which are not the external needs we’re talking about the internal needs. You know, she needs to feel that, that you desire, that she’s a priority, that she can connect, that you can understand how she’s feeling, where she’s at in her life, all of that. And that works on a different level than just providing externally. That’s all internal stuff.

And we have to train ourselves to be able to do that in a way that effectively helps us connect with her heart. Otherwise, all the stuff doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Yeah, it’s a bonus and she’s going to enjoy it and she’s going to say, yeah, I want the house, I want this, I want that. Yeah, and if you provide it, great. But…

Tim Matthews  16:43

It’s a bonus.

Arthur Magoulianiti  16:44

It’s a bonus, it’s a bonus. What she really needs and what she really wants is two different things. So you’ve got to give her what she needs and a little bit of what she wants. But if you only give her what she wants and not what she needs, then that’s where the disconnection begins.

Tim Matthews  17:00

It reminds me of a story one of the guys shared with me. He said, Tim, I just don’t get it. My wife is having an emotional affair. I think it was physical, actually, a physical affair with. I think it was a disabled veteran. And he said, I just don’t get it. I have provided everything for her. She has the house, she has money, she has a great life, and she’s left me for a guy that doesn’t have much money, isn’t very mobile. I still get it. What’s the disconnect there? But the thing is, this guy was providing his presence. He was there, he was connecting with her by…

Arthur Magoulianiti  17:42

Attention.

Tim Matthews  17:43

His attention. By all recollection, they were having a lot of fun together as well.

Arthur Magoulianiti  17:47

Good one.

Tim Matthews  17:48

And you don’t need a lot of money to have fun, to be playful, to be a bit cocky, to be confident, to just make fun and make light. I remember meeting when I met Amelia. It was in a transitionary period. It was during that time when I was just getting rid of a lot of things out of my life that I’d accumulated from a place of neediness and desperation, be it the business, the relationship, an old business partner, the house, all these different things, right?

And I met Amelia at a time when I didn’t really have a great deal of financial success, because I’d basically given it all away. I didn’t want anything to do with it all. Like I said, I got rid of all the franchisees, got rid of all the staff, got rid, let the house go. I just needed to reset. Right? But we used to have so much fun. We’d just go for walks in an evening and sit and watch the sunset, or whatever it may be, but it didn’t take much money. Right? But the connection was so rich and so deep that as we then continued to have increased amounts of money, again, that was all a bonus to your point.

And if I lose sight of that and I begin to focus on, okay, make more money, more money, more money, bigger house, bigger whatever. It goes back to her point of, we’re with you in spite of the business, not because of the business. I just want you. She said this to me all the time. I just want you. I just want time with you. I don’t care about how we spend it, where we spend it. I just want time with you.

Arthur Magoulianiti  19:35

Yeah. And that’s what I’d like to invite you guys to go back and say to look at when you first met your partner, right? Where were you? What did you do? How did you show up?

Tim Matthews  19:49

Yes.

Arthur Magoulianiti  19:50

Because that’s what she wants. That’s how you guys connected back then. And so if you look at that and you compare it to how things are now with respect to yourself, how are you showing up? And it is, are you making her laugh? Are you having fun together? Are you listening to her? Curiously, because I can guarantee this, you were paying her a lot of attention initially, but are you doing the same now at the same level? Or is it just like, how’s your day? Good. Okay, great. And you move on to the next thing.

So compare how you were showing up back then and then start doing a lot of that again, if not all of it. But, yeah, fun is a great way to reconnect because you know how to make a smile. You know how to make a laugh, usually. And that’s a great segue into breaking up the seriousness, perhaps, that has developed over the years.

Tim Matthews  20:39

Yeah. Another thing Amelia said to me one time, why are you with me? Just curious. Like, why are you with, you know, I’m thinking, oh, because the great lifestyle I give her, because of the things we get to do together, because she finds me attractive, whatever it may be. None of that came to mind. No surprise. She said, because you make me laugh. She said, I love the way you make me laugh. I was like, whoa, I was not expecting that at all.

Because to your point of listening curiously and having fun again, now, if your wife is checked out, then obviously you’ve got to get her attention again in order to get to a point where you can begin to make a laugh. However, and I’ve seen this work with guys, even if you do see your wife because you’re living separately, but there’s something going on in the relationship where you have text exchanges, be it around the kids or be it around some kind of responsibility you guys have, any communication is an opportunity to create connection.

And we teach the guys a lot. I teach the guys about this a lot. Right? Through text you can validate through text. We talk about emptying the berries in the hidden motives, which we’ve done tons of podcasts on that, so you can go back and check those out. If you want. Just head over to thepowerfulman.com, go to the podcast page and just in the search bar there at search bar you can type in hidden motives. But yeah, even that is even though text thread is an opportunity to validate, which can begin to get her to empty your berries and open up a little bit.

And as you do that consistently over time, that can easily build and progress to making light of certain situations, introducing some of that playfulness again and making a laugh again in a subtle way, because you’re going to want to see how she responds. But if you’re doing that, even if just through text and you have kids together and you’re living separately, and you’re also doing your routines and you’re working out and you are connecting with the kids better, depending on the age of the kids, typically word is going to get back to your wife about how dad is different. And that is again going to pique the curiosity.

And I think of one example, I won’t mention this guy’s name, I’m sure you’ll remember him. But him and his wife were separated when he came to us. He was a medical doctor in the US, ran various practices, very busy, and like I said, his wife moved out. He joined the program after one of his friends recommended him because it had shifted his life and his marriage in a major way. And he did something that was previously unheard of for him. Every morning at the time of the calls, he would close his clinic religiously and attend those calls and work on himself along with doing his routines outside of it.

Now, I did this for him because he knew he needed to change. Word got back to his wife that the clinics are closed during whatever time. She was obviously shocked and surprised by this and eventually asked him why, what’s going on? So he told her that he was working on himself okay, interesting. The curiosity was piqued. She kept on checking in with him periodically. She eventually met up with him, and he showed up with a very different energy, different mood, different state, looking different, sounding different. And guess what? She asked him to meet again and again. And eventually, as this progressed, they then got back together. They moved back in with one another. It just goes to show you the power of curiosity and making the change for the right reasons. Do you remember who I mean?

Arthur Magoulianiti  24:51

Yeah, I think, that just speaks volumes about what is possible. And I just want to reinforce the point that it has to be genuine. You have to shift do the work not in order to get her back, but in order for you to shift into that state that is authentically you. Because when you show up authentically, when you show up in the way that perhaps you showed up before, but perhaps even better than you showed up before, then you become irresistible.

Tim Matthews  25:23

So, guys, you’ve heard it from the man himself. As Dougie Fresh always says, at the moment of insight, take massive action. We’ll see you next time on the powerful man show.