Woman’s POV: Unlocking Desire-What Women Really Find Sexy in Men

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Transcription

Erin Holt  0:00  

A man who knows himself and is connected to himself, does things to take care of himself emotionally, spiritually, and physically, the relationship you have yourself is the most important relationship you have in your entire life because you are loving yourself, getting your worth from yourself, instead of trying to fill it up with other people things, money, jobs, alcohol, etc, that when somebody just walks in with that type of energy, and it’s like, is responsible for their own self, their own self worth or self-happiness, their joy, their energy and how they show up in their life, it’s super attractive for every woman.

Doug Holt  0:42  

Hey, guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. We are once again blessed to have my beautiful wife with us, to provide us with a woman’s point of view, babe, thanks for being here.

Erin Holt  0:53  

Thank you again for having me.

Doug Holt  0:54  

Yeah. I’m excited to talk about this topic and get your take on it. So many guys ask about this but ask about it in a different way. So I’m going to ask you several questions as we go through, and just kind of give me what comes up for you first. And also, you know, when you think about your girlfriends, or the women that you coach, what kind of comes up for them? When you think about a powerful man, what comes to mind

Erin Holt  1:23  

it’s just his energy, like, you can just feel if he’s grounded, like in confident within himself. And it’s just a resonance. It’s a feeling it’s a frequency. It’s like, everything’s energy. So it’s just like, from like, really simple perspective. Like somebody, we always say that is very, very rich isn’t like boisterous and showing it around, blah, blah, blah. It’s just like calm and confident and like, knows their worth and knows his worth and can carry himself well. And when he walks in the room, it’s like, there’s an energy about him that is like, Hmm, he’s got it. Like something about him, like people gravitate towards him. But it’s also like, yeah, it’s just like this calm confidence. It’s not show, buddy. Okay. Yeah.

Doug Holt  2:12  

So we defined it as grounded energy. Right? Yeah. So he feels grounded. He knows who he is. He’s confident in who he is. And do most women do you think find that attractive? Exceptionally, exceptionally attractive? Okay. And it’s not about looks, is that correct?

Erin Holt  2:28  

No, it’s energy. Okay.

Doug Holt  2:31  

Yeah. Awesome. So when we think about this, let’s look at the opposite. When a man comes to his woman who is a woman or around woman who is needy, what is that feeling?

Erin Holt  2:45  

Good, but he is needy. He is needy. Yeah. So he’s not feeling great about himself. And it’s just like, kind of like that take energy. Yeah.

Doug Holt  2:53  

So when he when a man is constantly asking his wife like, Hey, is everything okay? Are you all right? Do you need anything? Yeah, you know, why are you hanging out with me? That kind of energy is what I’m picturing. I’m

Erin Holt  3:06  

not attractive. It’s just kind of like, like, think about the type of people like you want to be around or invest your time with it or your precious energy with. Never mind your body with right. It’s like, that is not, doesn’t feel great. Yeah.

Doug Holt  3:22  

So when you’re when you’re talking to these women, that you coach and yourself as well, of course. You know, when you think about a man raising his stock, you know, I always use that analogy, like raising his, his level, if you will. So I’m picturing a man, we’ll just call him Frank. And sorry, Frank, but Frank sitting there, and he’s at, let’s say, he’s playing on a level 10. And he wants to go up to a level of 15 and get totally arbitrary numbers, the numbers don’t matter. But he wants to raise his bar in the sexual market value. Right? What are a couple things that he could do from a woman’s point of view that a woman finds sexy and attractive?

Erin Holt  4:03  

Yeah. What women find attractive is a man. Like it sounds cliche, but it’s said over and over again. But like, a man who knows himself and is connected to himself, knows his worth, he sources, his own worth from inside of himself, not from the external world, doesn’t mean he can’t quote-unquote, be successful. But that isn’t where he gains his like sense of like, I’m worthy because I have this fancy car. Because you can feel that type of person where there’s just a void trying to get filled. He does things to take care of himself, emotionally, spiritually, physically, again, from the place of like, I am, like, the most important thing that I can invest in my life so that I can invest in the people that I love in my life and show up as the best partner. The best bet, the best dad, the best businessman, the best, whatever, son, so it’s like taking himself seriously enough to invest in himself. But also like, there’s like this little part of it, like, take yourself seriously, but so you don’t have to take yourself. So seriously. Does that make sense? Like, I

Doug Holt  5:09  

know what you’re trying to say. But let’s describe it a little bit more. And I also think that guys can get confused here. Because as men, you know, it’s easy for us to hear what you’re saying is all doing okay, I have to do more, I have to do more to be a better dad, I have to do more to get a better body, I have to do more to be more confident, I have to do more to. And that’s not I know what you’re trying to get at. And that’s not what you’re saying. Right?

Erin Holt  5:30  

Right. So it’s like when you like we take about like the power for man, I know, the men that would listen to this podcast, or have been through the program or in the program on the edge, it’s like, it is really valuing the relationship you have with yourself, the relationship you have yourself is the most important relationship you have in your entire life. So when you are really connected and working on that, and being, like placing high value on the relationship of yourself, you’re going to have deeper relationships with the people in your life. Because you are loving yourself, getting your worth from yourself, instead of trying to fill it up with other people’s things money, jobs, alcohol, etc. So when somebody just walks in with that type of energy, and it’s like, is responsible for their own self, their own self worth or self-happiness, their joy, their energy and how they show up in their life, it’s super attractive.

Doug Holt  6:24  

Every woman Sure, absolutely. And again, what I want the guys to understand what we talked about is a state of being run a state of doing Yes. And so a lot of us guys might, myself included, we can get caught up in the okay to get to the next level, if you will, I gotta do more. I was having a conversation with a guy we called Silverback. Just yesterday. And he was talking about how, you know, he hired a trainer, and he’s been working out most of his life. And his trainer said, You know what, you’re an athlete. And you’re the hardest guys to work with. Because you’ll try to do more when actually what I have to do is bring you back and you just have to actually settle into it. And he was telling me he’s like, Dad, I just dropped all this weight and cetera, et cetera. Yeah, it was a state of being a little bit more than just the doing, if you will, in

Erin Holt  7:11  

terms of mine is like, the value of we’re just talking about men, but anybody’s presence is like one of the things that we all crave the most is like such a dense nutrient to bring your full presence to whoever you’re interacting with. And it’s so common for us to not and we all crave it. But we all just like kind of bypass like, Oh, I know we’re having this conversation. But they’re like not really paying attention because their phones out. But yeah, would you say okay, yeah. And it really dings any sort of connection in for sure attraction. But if you’re able to bring your full presence to your partner, your woman, like that is so attractive to make them like, wow, you’re actually very interested in being with me right now. And it’s like, so like, dense and nutrients because we’re all starving for presents. It’s like super sexy.

Doug Holt  8:06  

Yeah. Yeah, I can totally see that. And I think most couples, men and women have lost that along the way, right? You have kids, you throw kids in the mix, kids are, I want breakfast, I want cereal and snacks that you’re they’re constantly coming in at you. Right? And then you throw in soccer practice baseball practice and everything else, it becomes hard. And at the end of the day, you know what’s left for a lot of people. Yeah, it’s a becomes easier and easier to turn to your phone easier and easier to turn to whatever else you want to do to escape and just relax a little bit.

Erin Holt  8:38  

For sure. It’s like, quote unquote, easy like, have those habits but if you like want the habit of like, bringing more romance or sex back into relationship, like those habits, or not creating that like a habit of being like, wow, how can I work on being more present, even if it’s like, my capacity right now is like, might be low, but like, you can improve your capacity for your presence. And it’s like one of the greatest skills I think anybody can master. I’ll never forget, it was God years ago, you and I still live in Santa Barbara. I was working with a coach back then. And there was like all these people moving around and exercise and he asked me a question. And like, there were so many distractions, people were trying to get attention. So I just like pause for a minute, because I wasn’t going to answer and he just maintained his eye contact with me. And he was just like, I’m here. And I was like, Whoa, to feel like that level of presence. Like he wanted to know my answer. He wanted to like be there with me. And it was loud and chaotic. And I answered and I felt so seen so hard. So validated, so important. Like, your presence is like the biggest gift you can give to people. So

Doug Holt  9:41  

for guys listening to this, a lot of the guys things aren’t where they want to be in their marriages. Right. They’re, they’re struggling. That’s a sexless marriage a passionless marriage. Maybe there was an affair maybe there wasn’t, you know, all the all the fun all the fun things. Yes. So How does a guy go? Okay, I’m gonna start being more present, what are a couple things that he could do today to allow himself to be more present and have his wife take notice?

Erin Holt  10:12  

While she’s probably really used to being like, not really there, right, so it’s just like, even if you can just turn the dial like a few degrees to start with, it doesn’t have to be this like, monumental thing. But I literally like I just say all the time, and I even say to myself, sometimes when I’m feeling like overwhelmed, distracted with all the things you mentioned, all the moving parts of life that we all have, but I’m just like, Be Where Your Feet Are, I literally just say that to myself, in my head, I might be where your feet are. So I can be present with my kid who’s in front of me, Doug, a meeting I’m on because there’s always a ding an email a thing like this never going away. So it’s just like, I know, like, the feeling like I actually feel better. When I’m where my feet are. I’m like, I’m actually in this conversation. So that’s a tip that I know actually works for me. I remember. And like, just know, like, I’ve said this before, on different podcasts, I’ll say it again, like your woman, because you are her provider protector is constantly tuned to you, even if you think she’s not paying attention. So your energy is really, really, really important to her. And she can feel when it’s off when think about being I’m going to come back to her things he can do. But just like, think about like if you go up to her, and she’s in a state of overwhelm, like just like stress, overwhelm, everything’s feels chaotic, like, it doesn’t feel good, right? You’re not like, oh, let’s hang out, you’re like, Okay, let’s back away. So like, think about, like, the energy you’re bringing up to her Are you like, literally prepping yourself to be present with her, like, do what you got to do to like, transition from work mode, go for a walk, all the things I know, you teach these guys to transition,

Doug Holt  11:52  

Alpha Decompression, they go to show up

Erin Holt  11:56  

as a partner, not as a stressed out, whatever, business owner or whatever, doesn’t mean that’s not still there. But it’s like you’re wanting more connection, you’re wanting more intimacy, like show up to her in a different energy of a way of like, Hey, I’m here.

Doug Holt  12:12  

That’s great advice. In fact, one of the guys that I work with one on one, one of the things I tweaked within his routines was his Alpha Decompression. And the things that guys get to realize here is he lived really close to home. And he was like, Doug, there’s not much time, right? I was like, you can circle the block if you need to. But you can set yourself up for success. So by the time you reach for that doorknob, you anchor it, and you can come home with grounded energy, that his wife was complaining that he had too much needy energy. Yeah. And as soon as he walked in the door, her anxiety went through the roof. Because he she knew like all of a sudden, he was going to be watching her every move, he was going to be asking all these questions, and she just didn’t have the bandwidth for it. And she’s want she needed him to be grounded. Yes. And when he turned that was one of many switches he turned, but we turn that dial, so to speak, things really started to change in the home. And she really started to take notice.

Erin Holt  13:10  

Yeah, it’s all about energy. It sounds so like, what does that mean? But it’s just like, just think about, like I just said, showing up overwhelmed or showing up like, Hey, I’m pregnant. I’m here. Like, being calm and, like, accessible for a conversation or just like a genuine like, Hi, how you doing? Like, how was your day like genuine, right? Or, like, depending on what level you’re at, in your marriage walking up, and you know, really making important like, the first thing you do is come together and like hug and a kiss. And just like see each other. Like it’s really a everybody wants to be actually seen, especially by the partners.

Doug Holt  13:47  

Yeah. And it’s easy to make the excuse and I do it sometimes just being so busy. You got so many people pulling out, you know, a lot of these guys, like me, also, you know, have a lot of things going on, right? And it’s, you know, it’s stopping. And I get to remember to do this better for sure. It’s stopping and saying how are you doing some cure, I actually legitimately am curious. And sometimes I find myself as an example. But like, you’ll walk in the room or Colton who’s filming this right now. And I want to know how Colin’s trip was or I want to know how your back is feeling or whatever. And you caught me in the moment of him being in between things. Sometimes I miss it and I catch I catch myself retrospectively. But I’m like I want to know how your back is and sending this message really quickly. So I know the answer to this but give me an example of a way a man can rectify that. Well

Erin Holt  14:43  

I was just gonna say that’s that’s a right there is what you just said it’s almost like a repair right there before anything goes wrong. And you do that with me is like you know, I just sometimes we just like as women we want our man’s attention. We just do. It’s part of the feminine, we want to be seen Want the attention, we want to be noticed by you? In particular, so it’s like when that is lacking, like genuine attention is lacking, because of like you just said, we’re all busy. I don’t know anybody that’s not busy these days. And the most important thing in our life is like a relationship of yourself and our relationships in our home. Right? So it’s like, you can just say that, like, Hey, I just got home, I need to wrap up this one thing, but in 20 minutes, you and I are on the porch. Let’s connect.

Doug Holt  15:28  

Good, whatever. Perfect. So with the guys get to understand this is my learning guys, I had to learn this is you have to close the loop. Right? And so what do I mean by that? What I mean by that is, if I come in and Aaron’s like, Hey, can I tell you something? I’ll go, No, or yes, but not right now. I’m in the middle of X, Y, and Z. But in 10 minutes, I’ll come back to you. So what I used to do is No, not right now. I’m really busy. And I could walk away. And that you taught me that left you kind of hanging up like and this can be an argument. So to like, Hey, I don’t want to I’m done with this conversation. I need to walk away because I’m too heated or whatever. Yes, you always want to go come back. So you can close the loop for your partner have like, we can talk about this in 20 minutes. We can talk about this on Sunday, we can talk so that they know that there is closure coming to that comment. Yeah,

Erin Holt  16:24  

and like, as far as like, connecting where we were before, it’s like that. She’s important to you. But that’s what I mean by closure. Yeah, yeah. That that you matter? Absolutely. Absolutely.

Doug Holt  16:35  

Absolutely. So great. So guys are gonna do this. I mean, obviously guys getting fitter, right? That includes creases, your sexual market value, it’s going to increase your attention from your wife, right? She’s also going to notice that other women are noticing you too, that helps everybody. And then also, when you think about growth, do do you think most women I mean, obviously, you and I love personal and business growth, something both of us thrive on? Do you think think of just the last 10 women that you’ve spoken to just kind of run through your head if you could? Do you think they would find it. Sexy, incredibly sexy. If their man was working on himself and trying to grow himself,

Erin Holt  17:20  

incredibly sexy there, every woman I talked to and now is either super thankful that their man is doing work, but most of them are starving for their man to work on themselves. Clean up his side of the street and just

Doug Holt  17:37  

Yeah, I had one of the dads a local dads asked me and a couple other dads go, Hey, if you guys ever thought about doing personal development, I’d almost like spit my drink out. Thought about it. That’s what I do.

Erin Holt  17:49  

Most women are starving. Yeah, for the man to do something. And because she knows, here’s the thing about women, we’re deeply intuitive. And we, for the most part, I’m just gonna do a blanket statement, like, we can see our man’s potential or people’s potential before they’re aware of it, and we can hold that vision for them. And like, we know, like, the best parts of you along is the worst parts of you and the things that you do that bring out the worst, but it’s just like, there’s so much more there for most people. And we’re just talking about men in particular right now, that it it gets to a point where women just like get so fed up, it’s like I can see you have so much more in there and it’s just like it’s really powerful to do something like the powerful man or coaching or whatever you choose to be in a group of men where you’re supported and it’s like a really awesome environment to go through some personal development that will bring out the best in you which will just make it’s a ripple effect everything your life is better.

Doug Holt  18:46  

Well yeah, and I see this all the time and I’m you know, as you know, I’ve been pulled aside once or twice by some of the the wives asking about what we do and kind of how they can get their husband involved. iron sharpens iron and for me certainly, you know, you’ve all heard this thing I don’t know if Jim Rome quoted it or who but you’re the product of the five people you spend the most time with. I’m a believer in that and so if you’re spending time with other men who are growing in business growing as husbands growing as fathers growing as lovers, you naturally even if you don’t do anything, you naturally will get better because you’re around those people now if you actually try to work on yourself you’ll get better exponentially quickly and so yeah, okay great. So we know women find it incredibly sexy for a man to be a powerful man so be grounded. credibly sexy to be present. Sexy to work on his body work on his health in general, and incredibly sexy to work on himself. What else

Erin Holt  19:48  

isn’t the main things but also like like I said before, take yourself serious enough to also not take yourself so serious. I think especially as we get further into adulthood and parenthood and business hood and all the all the herds, we all get so serious. And we forget that, like, let’s just have some fun and enjoyment. And, like, make sure you’re planning that into your life so that you have places to relax. Like, we all need to let our hair down and just let loose weather. I don’t know how like people do that but in a, in a positive way I’m talking about with your partner, like booked the trip, go to the lake, do the thing. Like, all the business and all the things that we just talked about will always be there like make those memories, assisting and making memories with your family and with your with your wife is incredibly sexy, taking charge and some of that not having to be responsible for all of that. But like being like, Hey, I booked the family camping trip, or whatever you do. I booked the trip to Italy. I’m going to handle this part of the lake. I got it. Like help being a Memory Maker is super sexy.

Doug Holt  20:51  

Awesome. Yeah, so cool the other day or meme or whatever it was. But it said, instead of looking for someone to grow old with looks look for someone to stay young with. Yeah, I thought that was a really, really kind of was like one of those things you see in the moment. I was like, Oh, I love that. That idea of just play and fun. Yeah, something you bring out in me a lot. Because I could sit and work all day and be happy. Well, you know, I enjoy what I do. And you’re very good at bringing out the play side.

Erin Holt  21:19  

Yeah, thank you. I love that side of you. It’s like we all have a different access different parts of us. But like, also just like think about like is a kid like things that brought you enjoy like, I’m sure on some level that will still bring you joy might look a little different. You have little money now you’re not gonna maybe go play in the sandbox, but like, going to the beach or whatever. Like, or

Doug Holt  21:41  

getting three other guys convincing them all guys in their 40s to go play pickup basketball. Seriously, I was a blast. Yeah,

Erin Holt  21:48  

so fun. And then also, like, think about things like over your life or you look back and like, wow, that was such a great time. Like, live your life, like do that. Now, make make book the trip.

Doug Holt  22:01  

You’d find some some day on the calendar, right? You want to do it some day later, later in Sunday don’t exist on any calendar with 100%. There’s no second shot this game we call life least as far as I know for sure. Maybe there is but you might as well play out fully now. But yeah,

Erin Holt  22:18  

be a Memory Maker in take some responsibility in in that.

Doug Holt  22:22  

I love that. So let’s look at this because some guys, it’s helpful for them to look at the inverse. Okay, so the inverse of being present. So we said you said for women, you said 100 women being present is incredibly sexy, not just sexy, so sexy, so sexy. What’s the inverse of that then so guys can recognize it, or

Erin Holt  22:44  

just being completely distracted. And you can tell like, overwhelm is one of the most unsexy ways of being seen hastily. It’s just, it’s just so rich. It’s like repelling. It’s like, okay, thinking about somebody that’s overwhelmed, stressed out, like, oh my god, I gotta do this can’t do this. I just did it. It’s just like, okay, like, I’m gonna go over here and leave, because that’s doesn’t, doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to add to your stress, you are just as exuding stress. That is the opposite of presence. Yep.

Doug Holt  23:15  

What it would be the opposite of growth.

Erin Holt  23:19  

Oh, boy, victimhood, blaming, staying stuck doing the same thing over and over again and looking outside yourself thinking it’s her fault, or your boss’s fault or businesses fault? And it’s like, Well, you’re the common denominator in your life. So it’s

Doug Holt  23:33  

so funny. You mentioned that because we interviewed a guy for kind of an executive position within the movement. And throughout this interview, because he held the qualifications for the position, but it was blaming his previous employer blaming the situation. Then he started blaming his partner for something else. And as he was doing that, like this guy would be a horrible hire. He is so stuck and blaming other people rather than actually looking inside him to find the answers. So I’m just giving you stuff that men can relate to as they’re going through this and listening to your advice coming through here. So this is really helpful because we think about one thing I think a lot of people get confused as we said, the powerful man they think of this kind of Andrew Tate type guy who’s, you know, got the four buttons down the shirt and beaten his hat, you know, beaten his chest, if you will.

Erin Holt  24:25  

I don’t even know that person. I

Doug Holt  24:26  

know. Yeah, he’s, most people probably won’t know he is on here, but he’s a polarizing figure. In the space. People can google him but he’s one of those guys that 14 year old boys follow him. I’m sure older people do too. But they’re looking at him of what it is to be a man so to speak. And I think a lot of guys get confused when they hear the powerful man that we’re really talking about the power that comes from inside of you. Yeah. And that’s what you were saying earlier is is a man that sexy is one who doesn’t go external doesn’t buys a nice car because he wants a nice car. are not because of what everybody else is gonna think of him when he has a nice car, or the lake house or wherever else it is thinks it’s going to make them happy. Right? He finds the happiness from within.

Erin Holt  25:08  

Yeah, he’s the source of its own worth and love, and happiness responsible for it.

Doug Holt  25:14  

Yep. I love it. What else? Can you tell these guys? What else? If for a man that’s listening to this right now, who obviously is investing in themselves? Because he wouldn’t be here with us right now? What are three things I was like the number three, three things that he can do to raise his self worth, by no smooth phrase that raise his worth in his eyes, but also in the eyes of his partner. Right, right.

Erin Holt  25:47  

Well, if you’re on here, you’re probably within the woman or thinking about it. So that’s a really good place to start

Doug Holt  25:54  

joining the movement, yeah, powerful

Erin Holt  25:55  

man. Because you’ll be surrounded by a group of men doing the same thing. And we talked about who you surround yourself with really matters. The other thing is, is like what do you guys call your, how you start your day? I call it the sacred start, what do you call it, the Alpha rising shy, Alpha Rise and Shine. But like how you start your day is like, think about if you go to bed in a bad mood, and you kind of wake up in a bad mood. And then you just like, kind of spread that all over everybody, like super unattractive, and nobody wants to be around that. So it’s like, if you are taking control of your energy and yourself and like your intention for your day, it sounds cheesy, but it’s like if your intention for your day, like I even asked my kids on the way to school, like What’s your intention for the day and just make it fun and light, but they’re just learning like, Oh, I’m choosing happiness and love. Like, you’re gonna set your day up of like, with, however, that’s meditation, or journal or intention setting, just taking even 10 minutes to like, add some intention to your day and who you are, who you’re going to be. Not what necessarily we’re going to do that can come later. But like, we’re going to be for yourself first and foremost, and for your people, like, bring intentional energy into your life, instead of just random, not feel good energy and spread it all over everybody.

Doug Holt  27:07  

And Okay, jump in for a second is, that’s something you and I have done often on for the last 10 years is sit on the couch, have a cup of coffee, and early in the morning and say, Hey, what’s your intention for the day? And well, not too good conversation starter for couples, in my opinion. And, you know, we usually tend to pick up some of the same ones over and over again. But you know, of having that same intention. So not only do it for yourself, you could also do with your partner.

Erin Holt  27:31  

Yeah, this brings a different energy into your day, instead of just hit the floor running and checking your phone and off you go to overwhelming stress, right? Yep. Not fun for anybody. And then, like, do things your life that make you feel good? Like it sounds simple, but we all kind of just like put that one on the backburner as we get busier and busier. But like, do things in your life that make you feel good for like, I know, like, when you get to do some of your meetings, when you’re walking in the forest right by here or out in the ranch, like that really makes you feel good. And like it. Really feeling good in life. Like the better you feel in life, the better life feels the better relationships feel. So it’s like, really paying attention to how you feel like if you’re doing things you’re like, this used to align with me. I actually don’t like doing this anymore. Or I used to love this part of business. I am now going to hire this out. So I I’ve grown into this this different phase, like do things in life that make you feel good. Yeah. and honor them. Give them space and time. Love it.

Doug Holt  28:37  

Gentlemen, you got it right here that thanks so much for being here. Yeah, thanks for helping out. And it’s always fun having you on on the show and of the guys get so much out of it. Okay, thank you, gentlemen, as always say in a moment of insight, take massive action. What can you do to raise your value, your sexual market value or your value within your spouse and more importantly, your value within yourself? Aaron’s giving you a number of things you can do. And when Aaron is saying that women find it so sexy, or extremely sexy, guys, take note. I mean, she is a professional that works with women, all the time, women that are just like your wives, right? She works with a lot of the wives of men in the movement, but also her girlfriends, I’m sure talk to her all the time, I get to hear some of these conversations. So she’s got the inside scoop. So she’s saying that write it down and look at what you’re doing. If you’re not investing yourself. It doesn’t have to be the powerful man. Do it somewhere. Do something to raise your stock, raise your value. We’ll see you next time on a TPM show.