Episode #650
Do you find it hard to make a decision?
Is your wife unhappy when you’re not showing up?
If your wife is hurting and lonely, then take action today as a leader of the family because inconsistency is the opposite of safety.
In this episode, Mo and Doug talk about some causes of indecisiveness and what you can do to work on yourself so you can be consistent in making your wife feel safe.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 00:38
Hey, guys. Welcome back to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. And as you can see if you’re watching this on YouTube or anywhere else, I am not with Tim, The Powerful Man, Matthews. But we are blessed with Mo Parks. Mo, thanks so much for being here.
Mo Parks 00:51
Yeah, of course.
Doug Holt 00:53
So, for those guys that haven’t been listening to the show for a while, and we have what, geez, 700 episodes now, Mo. Mo’s been a regular and guys request her being on the show quite often. So, if you haven’t heard Mo speak before, you can go to thepowerfulman.com/podcast, or just search in the menu. Look for Mo’s name and you’ll find several episodes, and she’s one of our most requested guests.
Mo is a lot of things. First and foremost, an amazing woman. But she’s a wife, a mother. She’s also one of our advisors at The Powerful Man. So, if you go through the application process, you get accepted, Mo’s one of the people that determines if this is the right fit for you. It’s also to note, I think we’ve talked about this before, but Mo being a wife, her husband has been through the program as well. So, she speaks not only from the theoretical experience of talking to literally thousands of men that are interested in the program, but she also lives with a powerful man, she lives with the result of the product, and she’s still here. So, Mo, super excited to have you here. So, again, being one of the most requested people, I’m excited to talk to you.
Mo Parks 02:02
Thanks, thanks for having me, Doug.
Doug Holt 02:04
Yeah. Mo, one of the things I wanted to throw on the table today and get your opinion, and we’re going to call this a woman’s perspective, if that’s okay, I know you don’t represent all women across the world. But you know, being a mother, being also a wife, and a very beautiful feminine woman in your own right, I thought it’d be interesting to get your perspective. I was talking to a guy who is in one of our programs. And one of the things that he and I were talking about were his patterns.
And he has this pattern of what I’ll call delaying, and is being indecisive, which also happens to be one of the number one complaints men’s wives have is a man being indecisive. Right? He becomes a beta in the relationship and often becomes indecisive. And the common thing I was hearing from this guy was, he said, “Doug, I just need to think about it.” And once we clarified that Mo, we realized that this whole idea of I need to think about it was really him deflecting, stalling and making excuses. What is your experience with this whole concept when men have to say, “Hey, I just need to think about it.”
Mo Parks 03:07
Yeah, I mean, from a woman’s perspective, I lived in that for probably like, eight years. It wasn’t as obvious as that. Like, I wouldn’t even know to identify it as indecisive, or — What I perceived it as is you’re putting it all on me. Like, I feel like I have to do, you know, that like mental load, I have to do the mental load of everything, which is obviously super discouraging, can really trigger my abandonment, because it makes me feel like well, you don’t want to make the decision.
So, now I have to do it. Cool. Just walk away, do whatever you want to do. Hence, it’s bringing on like that criticism and the frustration and the judgment from me. And then I get spotlighted as the bad guy because I’m being critical, when in reality, if I could have just had that mental load shared or the decisions be made, I would feel a lot more safe and comfortable and probably not go into those habits.
Doug Holt 04:02
Yeah, and I get it. I mean, like you said, one of the things you said is you’re being pointed or spotlighted as the bad guy coming through here. And I’d imagine having a husband, I don’t want to pick on your husband, let’s just use this as a generalization. And I’ve been in this situation, Mo, when my wife and I were in the throes of things where I just felt lost. And I felt like any decision I made would be a bad decision and I didn’t want to upset the applecart, right. I kind of was — I call it hopium.
I was just hoping things would get better naturally by some miraculous event. And my version of I need to think about it was really this indecisiveness or probably fear of making the wrong decision, which would cause me just to be in inaction, right. I’d be stalled.
Mo Parks 04:47
Yeah, and I feel — that’s funny you say that because I feel the opposing side of that, which is like I want him to make a decision. And I always am frustrated with the decisions that he’s making, which then puts you in a trapped position which makes me feel ashamed that I’m putting you in a trap position because I know I’m doing it, but I also might not know what I want and how I want it. And then I’m having to overthink that.
And so it just puts me in a spiral of feeling that — just very emotional feminine piece of me and it’s uncomfortable. And I don’t want my husband feeling hurt and I don’t want him feeling judged and I don’t want him feeling criticized. And I want him to make a decision. But I also kind of wanted that decision to be like, something I like and something I want. But I also want to be surprised and I want him to feel like he’s taking that lead. So, there’s this tension in me too, as I can feel you feeling trapped in that decision, me also maybe following in that trap feeling of like — Yeah, everything I just said. Did that make sense?
Doug Holt 05:49
Yeah. One thing I hear from the men a lot, the guys that we work with at The Powerful Man are business owners, or executives of large companies. And one of the things I hear commonly is, Doug, I can crush it and make decisions all day in my business. But when I get home, right, I just, I turn in, I don’t want to make any more decisions and/or I feel like I’m always making the wrong ones or getting criticized.
Mo Parks 06:12
Yeah, yeah, I hear that from a lot of the guys that I speak to as well. One of the things that I’ve kind of come to a conclusion about, and it may or may not work for other guys, but it helped us make sense of it is this idea that there is a type of leadership and decision making process that functions really well at work. And that same decision making process does not function well in a relational setting.
And once I’m able to help a guy identify that, it’s like, “h, well, that makes sense.” But it sucks to feel like you’re competent, and probably nine out of 10, 10 out of 10 areas of your life, and not be able to solve that problem at home. But it’s just a different skill set. And it’s not an issue with a man, it’s an issue with your plan.
Doug Holt 06:55
A 100%, yeah, I mean, the guys that go through our program tend to be in the top of the tree, so to speak. And in the industry they are and I always tell them, the hardest thing you got going for you buddy is you’re too smart. Right? That goes against you because you start using justification for why you’re not taking action, right. And these guys can justify a million things of why they’re not jumping in.
So, my question for you, another question I have for you Mo which just popped in my head is I remember again, I’ll just go back because I always like to go back to that time when my wife and I were having conversations about divorce, and what that looked like for us. It was a dark time in my life and my marriage. And I remember this idea and this concept of thinking of, okay, what am I going to do? Right? How am I going to do this? As a woman, would you ever fault your husband for trying to do something if he actually thought it would better himself and your marriage?
Mo Parks 07:47
No, that’s what I wanted.
Doug Holt 07:50
Yeah. That’s why I find…
Mo Parks 07:52
I was desperately waiting that, like that was why we were in the position that we were in, because there was no action to work on himself to be in that space. And it was just me patiently feeling like working off hopium that he would eventually one day.
Doug Holt 08:09
It was the same thing in my marriage, right? We didn’t have The Powerful Man at the time, so I had to scrap a bunch of things together. But that was — it was a definitive turning point. I’ve talked about it many times in the podcast and other places of this time I was in San Diego running on the beach. I had kind of taken some time apart from my marriage and got a place down there.
And it was at that point that I realized that I needed to take action, massive actions. Things weren’t going to change on their own. And if they changed, they weren’t going to be for the better, right? They were going to just get worse if I just waited. And taking action, at least I had a little bit more control. And that’s when my wife started to take notice. I didn’t put a billboard up saying hey, I’m taking action on bettering myself and trying to work on our marriage.
But I actually took the leap of faith, signed up for courses, got mentors, surrounded myself and I attacked my marriage the way I attack problems in a business, right. I identify an obstacle or an area that I was weak in, in business. And I get mentors, I get the best programs I could find and I conquer that area. As a business leader, we do that. We’re alphas in business and we can crush it. But yet, for some reason, we expect it just to be natural in marriage. Nobody’s taught us.
Mo Parks 09:23
Yeah. I kind of get like teary eyed hearing you say that because I just thought like, for so long, there wasn’t — When you’re in that moment of pain and everything’s falling apart, and everything hurts and you see your spouse going to the things that make him feel successful. And you’re sitting at home as the wife feeling miserable and you watch them continue to pursue all these things that they feel really good about and totally ignore you and totally ignore the action to move towards you by working on themselves, for whatever reason. You know they have hurt too. But there’s nothing more painful than feeling like your husband is winning in every other area and doesn’t care to try with you.
Doug Holt 10:11
Yeah, my wife said the exact same thing. One, she’s like, look, I felt lonely, I felt depressed, isolated. You were working on all these other areas of your life, but you didn’t seem to be working on our marriage. And therefore, I felt like last. Which, as a man, hearing that, right, was horrible. And the thing that my wife told me, Mo, which is it flipped my mind, just totally blew my mind when she said, “I would rather you physically hit me, then shut me out because that would be less painful.” And I was just floored as a man. Like at the time I was playing competitive sports still, so I was in great shape and like hitting somebody a lot bigger than my wife. And I would never ever hit a woman, I was just — and all the men listening to this are in the same boat.
So, to hear my wife say, I would rather you hit me than act this way, not take action and not try to fix our marriage, because what she was saying is what you’re saying, I am hurting so much inside, there’s so much pain. And by you not taking action by you needing time to think about it, by you not actually jumping forward, that is causing me immense pain. And here’s this woman, who when we got married, I dedicated my life just to her, just to this one person. I will be with you for better, for worse, through sickness and health. And yet here she was quietly suffering, and she was suffering because of my lack of action.
Mo Parks 11:41
Yeah. You think about, I mean, if you were to do this with any other thing that you could visibly and tangibly see, you see a kid run out in front of a car, you take action. You run, you do that thing. You see your marketing department starting to fail, you do whatever it takes. You work 12 hour days, you hustle, you get there. Now, those are two very different things. But in a lot of cases, your marriage is a silent car accident, like it’s a silent department failing. And so you get under the illusion that you have time to fix it when you should have fixed it years ago.
And internally, that’s how she’s felt for years, but she’s just now made it outwardly aware to a guy. I’m trying to speak this semi our circumstance. But she’s now made this aware. And so he thinks, oh, that’s our starting point of when I found out how bad it was to when I need to fix it when the reality is, no, she’s thought about this for years.
And it goes to show the emotional needs needing to be met by what your wife said, right, like the I’d rather be hit because that would feel less painful than the emotional neglect, the emotional abuse. I mean, it can be either one or the other, emotional neglect or emotional abuse that I’ve experienced. Like, that is way worse for a woman because of her needs for emotional connection and safety than, yeah, physically being hit. Just —
Doug Holt 13:10
Yeah. I mean, you said so many things here. And any guy listening to this right now would probably run in front of a car to save a woman. The guys that we work with are great men, right? And they have great morals and ethics. And when you think about this, is your wife hurting? You said something that was really profound, and I find to be very true, is guys, when your wife starts talking about separation, divorce, or the pain that she’s in, she has been in that dark place for years.
You know, I recently had a, and hopefully the guy might be listening to the show, but either way I won’t name names, is my wife came home one time from a party, right, kind of a get together more than anything with a bunch of women. And she had mentioned so and so is really thinking about divorce. So, I immediately, the next day, got together with her husband, and said, “Hey, are you aware of this?
And he said, “Yeah, you know, she brought it up a couple days ago.” I said, “Bud, she’s been thinking about this for years.” Like she is looking at divorce attorney, she’s looking at her exit and all of these things, and she just needs you to show up.
And so he actually got it. He got it in his head, which is a rare thing. I have these conversations a lot, as do you. And he took massive action right then and there. In the middle of our conversation he’s like, “What do I need to do?” I’m like, “Here’s what you got to do. Here’s the plan, man. You got to jump on this right away if you want your marriage to last.” Your wife’s last straw is telling you. She shouldn’t have to tell you, right? That’s what she’s thinking anyway.
As men, we want the map, like just tell us exactly what I need to do, and I’ll do it. Guys, it does not work that way. So, again, and the overwhelming statistic guys is 70% of divorces are initiated by the woman. That’s crazy, right? Especially when you consider that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. None of us walk into it thinking, yeah, marriage is going to be the 50% that ends in divorce. We’re all thinking, no, mine is going to be the 50%. That makes it. And of those 50% that make it, a lot of you guys are numbers guys, so just do this math.
50% that make it, 70% of the divorces are initiated by the woman and that number goes to 90% if your wife has a college degree or higher. 90% of divorce is women with a college degree or higher, are initiated by the woman. So, guys, this is just showing you statistically, that most of us men, myself included, have our head in the ground thinking things will just work out, they’ll blow over, they’re not as bad as they seem to be. And in the background, your wife is suffering in quiet desperation. And she’s talking to her girlfriends, maybe. She might be talking to another man. She’s looking for somebody to talk to to share that experience with, and she’s looking for opportunities of getting out of that pain.
Mo Parks 15:56
Yeah. I think about the type of guys that do let that process go on too long, kind of like your friend where I just heard it, therefore I have time to kind of figure this out. More than likely, that’s probably showed up in your relationship as well. Like, your decision making process it’s stalling you from taking action to fix it has probably been the same thing that’s been biting you the whole relationship. And the way I saw that in the relationship was, “Yeah, I’ll work on that, I’ll fix that,” from him once I told him.
And so then I started to understand when I tell him, he’ll work on it for a couple weeks, and then he’ll stop because it wasn’t his decision and it wasn’t his idea. So, then I had to sit in this patience of waiting for him to see the consequences of his own actions, which sucked and was hard. And it was the very thing that he needed to change. Like, he had to come to a place where it was his decision to work on him to hurt bad enough to see the consequences as bad enough. And man, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Like I would much rather someone come to me and take pre-urgent action than having to take urgent action. You know, like preventative care is always better than emergent care. And I think that’s part of the call to action is you feel like you have time, it’s often the case that time is of the essence.
Doug Holt 17:20
Yeah, I agree with you, 100%. And I want to come back to that in a second. And I was just thinking about, as you mentioned that this guy was talking to said the same thing, that almost — same thing I said, which was, “Well, yeah, but she’s got to do this, that and the other. She needs to work on herself. She needs to do that.” And guys, that’s really a horse trading — it’s a transaction. You’re saying, if I give you $5 and you give me service, right, that’s a transaction. That’s not love. That’s not a relationship. And what I explained to him, this guy was talking to, I go, “Look, your wife’s not perfect. And yeah, she needs to do the work too.
However, you get to be the man, you get to be a leader, and you get to do work on yourself now and not worry about what she’s doing or not doing. Because the truth is, if you’re perfect, then you’re good. But if you’re not perfect, and none of us are, then why don’t you work on yourself? The worst case scenario of you working on yourself as you become a better man, worst case scenario, right? Better husband, maybe. If you can save your marriage, that’s the goal. But certainly a better father, a better friend, a better business leader, a better community leader in your church, your synagogue, your mosque or whatever. You become a leader of your religious faith or whatever that is to you. But you come out better and there’s no risk to that.
But when guys constantly are telling me and I hear this all the time, Mo, I had the same friggin’ story. You know, yeah. But she’s needs to do this. Yeah, she needs to do that more. You know, when we start having sex more then I’ll do this. When it starts to — this has to happen then I’ll pay more attention to the relationship or what have you. And guys, it doesn’t work that way. That is such a teenager level of thinking. Again, I’ve been in it, so I’m calling myself out too. But so many men and women go through this whole thought process of waiting for the other person to do it. So, gentlemen, when are you going to step up and take the lead, is my question?
Mo Parks 19:14
Yeah, I think that’s a great point. I think that if you also look really behind why are you saying that, like but if she does this. Okay, if she did that, then what do you get from that? Usually, it’s some sort of approval or affirmation that you’re seeking. And the question I’d ask you if that’s you is well, what’s keeping you from giving that to yourself? Because she doesn’t want to feel the weight and burden of being your — the thing you go to for approval. Then your blood sucking from her and you can’t lead someone that you need something from.
And so figure out what does it look like? Why do you want her to take action? What is it that you want from them? Give that to yourself and just see what happens in your relationship. Because you’d find that when she stops feeling the pressure of having to be all your approval and all your affirmation and everything you need in life, she can actually loosen up and be herself and work on herself.
Doug Holt 20:06
Yeah. Well, and like you said, a lot of us guys, and I did this too, I’m coming back to it is I would do something for a couple weeks, maybe a month, right? And it would fade away. And it didn’t give my wife the reassurance and she would always test me because it’s like, “Hey, are you really going to do this?” Right? Hey, I’m going to do whatever it is. I’m going to cut back on drinking. Hey, I’m going to start going to the gym everyday. Hey, I’m going to sit down with you, or I’m going to do more housework, help you out around the house more. These are common things I hear from the guys and common things I’ve said time and time again, Mo. And that’s why a lot of times what happens and one of our coaches, Franco just posted this, a guy just — and you might have helped this guy out as an advisor.
The guy just enrolled in the program. So, he made a commitment to better himself through his marriage, had done a couple calls, right? So, he’s not even really officially in week one, and his wife is already moving back in the house because she saw his commitment. Okay. He’s serious about this. He’s invested time, he’s invested money, he’s invested resources. He is showing me now that it’s not just lip service. Right? We’ve all heard people talk a big game. Action is what really showcases that you’re really, really doing something. From a woman’s perspective, when you see your man or a man taking massive action towards what he says he’s going to do, what’s the interpretation you get?
Mo Parks 21:33
You feel safe, as a woman. Inconsistency is the opposite of safety. So, if you’ve done something, you showed up, you did it for a while then you stopped and did it again, it’s like, I have no consistency or stability within your inconsistency. That feels very nerve racking to step into and move towards. So, what I want to see is consistency over time, because that proves a character change, which makes me feel safe being with that person.
Doug Holt 22:00
Hmm. Wow, that’s very profound. So, essentially, what you’re saying is that when a man is taking action, and he’s being consistent about it, so he’s following through, so we have something like the Alpha Rise and Shine, so his wife’s going to see him do that, and the other practices we teach the guys doing. That allows you as a woman in her feminine nature to feel safe, to feel protected, and allows you to lean into him more, is that correct?
Mo Parks 17:26
Yeah, 100%.
Doug Holt 17:28
Guys, rewind that, and listen to what Mo said, again, I think that is so profound. I wish somebody would have grabbed me Mo, and shook the shit out of me and let me realize that early on in my journey, because I didn’t get it. I just didn’t get it. We’re not taught this stuff, gentlemen. We’re not taught it in school. It’s the number one problem for men and women, but we’re talking to men here as the general audience is our relationships. And the most important relationship is the one with your wife and your partner.
And so we don’t get the fact that every guy on here will tell you that if an intruder came into his house to hurt his wife, he would jump up out of bed, fight the intruder to the death or what have you. But guys, that intruder in your marriage is your lack of knowledge, your lack of action. I don’t want to say it’s you, but it’s your inaction doing it. So, this whole idea of this guy telling me I have to think about it, I was thinking, geez, man, I guarantee you would say you jump in front of a car to save your wife and do all of the — if a guy came up and threatened your wife physically, you would jump in and risk your arm.
But then why are you so scared to take action? Why aren’t you doing something, taking massive action to save her now in her quiet desperation where as Mo said, she’s lonely, she’s sad, she’s hurting? And where are you stepping in to be the man to say, hey, look, I’m going to do something about this. I’m going to take action. I’m going to put myself out there. Whether it be the program, The Powerful Man, the activation method, which is our flagship program that helps men, married business men, it’s proven. There’s hundreds of testimonials on our website, or you do something else. Mo, and I don’t care. We’re biased because we think it’s the best program, obviously. But do something, whatever it is, and take that action today, guys.
Mo Parks 24:16
I’m in agreement.
Doug Holt 24:19
Mo, I know we have only just a few more minutes here. But you know, from a guy listening to this Mo, and you get to talk to thousands of men and you are such a shining, bright light for men all over the world of somebody they get to talk to and find out. And you’re always telling guys, hey, this might be a fit or actually this is not a fit for you, go do this.
And guys, that’s what you get from Mo is you get the real deal, honest opinion of a woman who’s been down the road your wife’s been down and she’s helped thousands of men just like you. She’s going to guide you in the right direction and give you solutions that could work for you; practical solutions you can take into your daily life. Mo, with this couple of minutes that we have, and gentlemen, I’ll give you a way to reach out to Mo at the end of this. For a guy that’s sitting here on the fence, he’s listening to this. He’s like, “Oh my gosh, my wife is sad. She is lonely. And holy cow, I didn’t realize I was the one hurting her.” What are two things he could do today?
Mo Parks 25:11
Yeah. I think the first is just sit in that a little bit. Let yourself see the hurt that’s there in her. I know you’re very good at fixing a lot of things in your life. And for a moment, don’t fix just kind of sit in it and see, it kind of sucks. And then take massive action after that. Do whatever it takes. Know that you can put your head on the pillow tonight saying I have done whatever it takes to get this marriage to where it should be, and decide and commit to get there and then take action on that. Like that can’t be another well, I can think about this in 24 hours. That has to be a what can I do actively right now to take ownership, take the lead, start moving my family in the direction it needs to go and just do it.
Doug Holt 26:00
I love it. Guys, that’s like having one foot in, one foot out, which is certainly what I did, which does not work at all, hoping things would get better. It’s like that analogy you see that picture where a guy’s got one foot on the dock, one foot on the boat and the boat starts to leave. Gentlemen, if you’re like me in your 40s or older, you’re not that flexible. You’re not going to be able to stay one foot on that dock and one foot on that boat, without snapping something, or falling straight into the water, and not a good place to be.
Mo, thanks so much for being here. Gentlemen, if you want to get a hold of Mo, and we’ll have her back on. The only reason we’re cutting this a little shorter is I have a sick child. So, I got to go take care of my responsibilities because like you guys, I’m married, I have children, and I run a business. So, I get what you’re going through. But if you’d like to talk to Mo and just get some more insights that Mo can drop and find out if the powerful man’s activation method our proven program that help married business owners get the passion and respect back into their marriages, go ahead email vip@powerfulman.com and just say I want to talk to Mo.
You guys all have your mobile devices in your hands right now. I don’t know where you are, but I can guarantee you got it. Just open up that email browser, type in VIP, like very important person which you are @thepowerfulman.com. And say, hey, I want to talk to Mo. And somebody will help you set up a conversation with Mo so you can get some more insights. But if anything, guys, as we always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action.
All right, guys, that’s a wrap for this episode. But as I always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. You see, there are two types of men that listen to a podcast like this, those that go on from one podcast or show to another just hoping things are going to change and realizing that they’re going to be in the same place month after month, year after year. You see, I was this guy so I completely get it. You may just not be ready. But there’s also a second man, a second man that listens to a show just like this. And this is a guy who takes massive action so they can shorten the learning curve, compress time, and get results to be the WOLF. See, WOLF is an acronym for Wise, Open, Loving, and Fierce.
Now ask yourself, which one am I? And just be honest with yourself there. And there’s no judgment on my end. But if you’re ready to move from deactivated DEER mode, which is Defend, Excuse, Explain, and React to activated WOLF, Wise, Open, Loving and Fierce, then go over to thepowerfulman.com/grow. And go there now. In fact, I’ll make it super easy for you. I will even put the link right in the description here so you can just click it and go over there now to learn more. Guys, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Go from deactivated to activated, because like I said, life is too short for average and I’ll see you on the next episode.
