Beyond Avoidance: Unlocking the Life You Desire

Episode #1171

What if the biggest obstacle to the life you want isn't your circumstances, but the emotions you've been trying to avoid?

In this episode of The TPM Show, Tim Matthews and Lawrence Davis explore how avoiding feelings like shame, guilt, rejection, loneliness, and discomfort can quietly keep men stuck in their relationships, businesses, and personal growth. While many distractions look productive, such as work, fitness, hobbies, or staying constantly busy, they can become ways of avoiding the conversations and emotions that create lasting change.

Tim explains how emotional avoidance often shows up in marriage. A man may want deeper connection with his wife, but if he shuts down whenever she expresses her hurt, she never feels heard. Instead of creating connection, silence and emotional withdrawal keep the cycle going. The discussion highlights why validation and empathy are essential for rebuilding trust and why emotional strength is about staying present, not suppressing your feelings.

Lawrence shares his own experience of confronting fear, loneliness, and failure, explaining how the stories we create in our minds are often much worse than reality. Together, they encourage listeners to become curious about what they're avoiding and to take small, manageable steps toward facing uncomfortable emotions instead of escaping them.

 This conversation explores: 

• Why the life you want often sits beyond the emotions you're avoiding.
• How work, fitness, and other "healthy" habits can become forms of emotional avoidance.
• Why shame and guilt prevent deeper connection in relationships.
• What emotional strength really looks like during difficult conversations.
• Practical ways to build emotional resilience by sitting with discomfort.

Timestamp Chapters

00:00 The life you want is beyond the feelings you avoid01:30 Why men numb uncomfortable emotions07:58 How shame blocks connection in marriage12:11 Emotional strength means staying present16:56 Taking small steps toward difficult emotions19:30 The subtle ways men avoid discomfort22:24 How avoidance impacts relationships and leadership24:07 A simple challenge to build emotional resilience

If this episode resonated with you, download your free copy of A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It:

The Powerful Man helps men become stronger leaders in their relationships, families, businesses, and lives through practical coaching, emotional resilience, and authentic masculine leadership.

Transcription

Tim Matthews 0:01The life you want to live is sitting on the other side of the feeling you are trying to avoid.

Lawrence 0:07But we can build it up into such a big thing, because it is... it's such an uncomfortable feeling.

Tim Matthews 0:12A lot of guys try to numb themselves.

Lawrence 0:14A lot of people don't like to be told what to do.

Tim Matthews 0:17Emotional strength isn't about feeling less.

Lawrence 0:20Actually confronting that now, or signing the divorce papers.

Tim Matthews 0:23Hard conversations. . Silence.

Lawrence 0:27The freedom that I truly wanted was behind that.

Tim Matthews 0:40Hey guys, welcome to another episode of The TPM Show. My name's Tim Matthews. I am your host, joined by Mr. Lawrence Davis. Hello, AKA "Wildcard." , good to be here.

It's great to be here. I think... is this the fourth one in a row we've recorded? Yes, I think it is. .

Okay, so: "The life you want to live is sitting on the other side of the feeling you are trying to avoid."

Lawrence 1:12Okay, this is a test for me, isn't it? You just come up with these, don't tell me what they are, and now I've got to react spontaneously, because... and that's a really great way of doing it.

Tim Matthews 1:23I love how you buy in time right now by just saying something.

Lawrence 1:27Sorry, what was the question?

Tim Matthews 1:30Well, it's this idea, right? That, you know, the life that you want is sitting on the other side of the feeling that you're trying to avoid. And it's so true. I've seen it play out so many times with the men in the movement. I've seen it play out many times in my own life.

Because the reality is a lot of guys try to numb themselves. , I've been there. It's what brings a lot of guys into TPM. And whether it's through work, whether it's through fitness, whatever it may be, there's all these things these ways to sedate and numb. And some of them can be dressed up in really smart ways, like fitness, for example. , some people can throw themselves into fitness and be super ripped or in great shape. However, that avenue is an outlet for them to avoid sitting with whatever emotion it may be that's beneath the surface which, if they actually chose to confront, would see them get to the kind of life that they want to live.

We spoke a few episodes ago on shame. Prime one, for example, right? A lot of the guys that come into the movement have tried to outwork the toxic shame that they have internalized, oftentimes not necessarily knowing it's been there. It kind of gets worse as years go by, only to find themselves in this position where, "Hang on a minute, I realize now I can no longer outrun this. I can no longer outwork this. I have to turn towards this so that I can have X, Y, Z."

Lawrence 3:12The key to this is... is the feeling you're trying to avoid. That's the hurdle.

Tim Matthews 3:20That's the big one.

Lawrence 3:20So it's... and I wish... I wish that I'd known more about these kind of topics when I was a younger man, because I'm sure there was a lot of times in my career and building companies where I was trying to avoid things and using... using other things like fitness or alcohol or whatever to try and avoid having to feel like a failure or not worthy. I think is... is a big one that always used to come up for me.

Tim Matthews 3:47I think we'll name a few of the things we might be avoiding. Right, we've got things like hard conversations, silence...

Lawrence 3:54Huge one.

Tim Matthews 3:55Rejection, boredom is another one, anxiety is another...

Lawrence 4:04Confrontation.

Tim Matthews 4:05Confrontation, . It could be the hard conversations.

But I think there... these are the ones that... the subtle ones that can easily be overlooked, because it can be replaced with things that seem very plausible, like work or fitness pursuits. Other things less plausible, like scrolling, alcohol, porn...

Lawrence 4:31Just making yourself so busy. Filling your diary with travel and tours, or so many other things at work, like you say. But it could be 1,001 things that just keeps you active and not having to have any time...

Tim Matthews 4:41So that you don't have to sit... so that you don't sit in...

I mean, I think that silence piece is a big one, . Trying to avoid the silence, trying to avoid the rejection, or trying to avoid boredom. I think those three are probably some of the biggest.

I still see, even in guys that have done some great work and made some huge progress, I think at times they can still, when things get hard in certain areas of their life, one of the things they can fall back on is throwing themselves into work and busying themselves either with fitness pursuits, taking on more projects, or more hobbies whatever it may be. And again, it can be disguised as, "Hey, I'm out here living my best life," for which there's a big argument for that.

However, if you are doing it because you know there's an undercurrent of something that you are avoiding and not facing... let me give you an example. Let's say you want connection with your wife, right? And you've done some things to hurt her in the past, and you find it very difficult to sit in a conversation with her and really validate what it is she's bringing up to you, because it's too painful for you to sit with it. And let me tell you, if you struggle with shame, instead of feeling guilty based on what she's saying, you drop into shame. And every time you do that, it means that you just switch off and put up a wall, which means she isn't heard.

So then she keeps bringing it over. You then start to get frustrated, thinking, "Why does she keep bringing the same thing up?" She keeps bringing the same thing up because she feels unheard, but it's too difficult for you to sit with it.

So this cycle continues. And in that moment as a particular guy I'm describing right now, that when he listens to this, he'll be like, "Oh, thank you, not!" but in that moment, that's where he will then... like I said, it will look like he is living his best life by doing these various things: fitness improving like it's in a fitness it's been in decades, arguably his entire life; he's got a particular hobby where he races cars, so he will share all that and looks fantastic, right? Or he'll throw himself into doing... spending hours on the ride-on lawnmower, mowing his five acres. So all of these are very plausible, logical things.

However, when he stops those things, the same feelings of loneliness creep back up, because the one person he's wanting connection with outside of himself his wife he is blocking, because he's avoiding sitting with the feelings of guilt and shame that come with really listening and hearing what it is she has to say.

Lawrence 7:59It's funny when you were just speaking then. I had this image come into my head of Iron Man's mask. You know, the fitness comes over, and then the five hours on the thing comes over. It's just a big mask. It's just a big composite mask of masking... the one thing that he really needs and wants is being masked by all of these other activities.

And I think that we... we can build it up into such a big thing, because it's... it's such an uncomfortable feeling to start with. As that snowballs on, and you or you avoid it more and more, or she comes over and asks for it, the pressure that you have... you feel that you have to do it, and therefore you have to do it.

And a lot of people don't like to be told what to do or to feel like they ought to or have to. And they can... you can build it up into such a big thing that you'll do anything to avoid it subconsciously. You'll literally do anything, even if it's not something that's good for you.

Tim Matthews 8:49Well, and I mean, the thing with this piece... so I'll keep talking about this guy. I think, so a good example: his complaint is that he doesn't feel seen by his wife, but he isn't seeing her.

Lawrence 9:04How do you see him with the mask on?

Tim Matthews 9:06Well, exactly. You've got these two people at loggerheads, right? Who both clearly love one another, who both clearly want connection, but who both say they need something from the other person in order to feel safe enough to open up.

Neither one of them is willing to go first, and it really ought to be him that goes first, because he's the one that's caused the pain to her. But also, if he really wants her to go first and say, "Hey, well, you need to show up a certain way in order for me to feel appreciated and seen and stuff, and then I'll do the same for you" well, that's putting her in a position of leadership, right? And again, he's the one that caused the hurt.

So the big thing for him is the feeling that he is avoiding is very much blocking him from the one thing he wants. He wants connection. He is craving connection. But the feeling that he is trying to avoid the guilt and the shame that is all his.

She's not trying to make him feel guilty. She's not trying to make him feel ashamed. She just wants him to understand she doesn't feel heard. And like I said, third time now, she's not feeling heard because he's not validating her. He's keeping distance between him and the thing that she's bringing over, because he feels too bad about it.

So in that moment, he's making it about himself and not keeping it about her. She's saying, "Hey, this thing that you did really hurt me, affected me in this way, that way, the other way." And instead of saying, "I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did that. That must have been so lonely for you to go through that period," whatever it may be, he's shutting down.

Lawrence 10:59Right.

Tim Matthews 11:00And as he's shutting down, she's coming at him more. She's like, "Hello, knock-knock! Anybody in?"

He's like, "Whoa, just get away!"

Lawrence 11:08The thing I would say to that is: what's going to feel worse?

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Lawrence 12:06Actually confronting that now, or signing the divorce papers?

Tim Matthews 12:11Well, it'll show up in other areas of his life, as well. The feeling that he's avoiding holds the key to the life he wants to live, and emotional strength isn't about feeling less. You know, this came up when we were in Japan on the topic of grounded masculine leadership, right?

We had a lot of guys saying, "Hey, I no longer fall into DEFEND: defend, excuse, explain, react. I just stand my ground."

"Awesome. So how do you engage when things come up, when complaints come your way? How do you validate?"

"What do you mean, validate? I don't... I don't do that."

"What do you mean, you stand your ground?"

"Well, I don't say anything."

Well, a form of reaction is shutting down. Just because you're not overreacting and blowing up like you used to, you're choosing to shut down, so you're still not staying engaged. So if you're not engaged in that moment with her, then you can't validate her. So the disconnect and distance continues.

And I think the misnomer there is that in that moment, these guys believe that they were being emotionally strong. And I totally get it it's just a gap in knowledge, right? But emotional strength isn't about feeling less.

Lawrence 13:33No.

Tim Matthews 13:34It's about being able to stay present for what's true. And if you're able to stay present for what's true, and therefore lean into the feeling you're trying to avoid, typically it's going to unlock the thing that you actually want.

Lawrence 13:51Absolutely. Breath. You've got to be able to breathe through that. And it's not like silence is just another form of crumbling. You're... you know, whether it's... it can... it's almost as bad as blowing up. If you're, you know, "Oh, I didn't do that, I didn't react in..." and all that, and you've decided... you've learned actually that's not a good thing, and now you're just going to be quiet and all that...

I've been in that place. I've had that where it's coming at me, and I'm feeling like I'm... I'm controlling this because I'm absorbing it, I'm allowing it to pass through me. And all I'm doing is thinking about how it's affecting me. I'm still... I'm still feeling how it's affecting me. I'm not able to empathize with her, but I am keeping a lid on it. I'm keeping quiet, I'm keeping still, I'm keeping it pressed down.

And actually, what I learned how I learned the only thing that worked through trial and error, really the only thing that worked, because this happened quite a lot was breath. I would breathe through it. "Okay... and what else? And, you know, is there anything else?" And then, and just getting the whole... the whole story out. "Well, because you did this, and you did that, and..." and accepting it, and then, "I'm really sorry, that must feel like shit."

Tim Matthews 15:04If you can drop into the empathy piece... empathy and validation, that that's huge.

In that moment, if it's something... I mean, again, I'll keep speaking to this guy. He's an amazing guy. He listens to the show, so shout out to you! I won't say your name, but you're an amazing man.

But the feelings that he's trying to avoid the shame, the guilt, the rejection he's trying... coincidentally, he's trying to avoid feeling lonely, hence wanting connection. But he's creating loneliness in the process.

I think if he learned to go and sit with them a little bit more... I think it scared... what's happened here is it scared him, because he came into the movement off the back of almost where he was sat with a gun in his mouth. I think he's afraid to go back there. Understandably so.

I think he's afraid that if he actually opens up and allows himself to feel the guilt and the shame for some of the pain that he's caused, it might... it might be a little bit overwhelming for him. But I think if he wants connection with his wife, he needs to be able to hear her in her pain, without making it about him.

And therefore, if that means finding a way to just sit with it in small doses on his... doesn't need to be alone when he's sitting with it. He could have someone there be it therapist, coach, us, the men, whoever it may be, right? But just learning to sit with it for himself, instead of trying to avoid it.

Lawrence 16:56I think exposure therapy is what I would... I would think is that kind of like... whether it's sitting with a therapist or sitting in somewhere where it's a safe environment. Maybe you've got a particular, I don't know, sofa that you sit on at night, and you're comfortable with your wife and you can do it just with her, or maybe you need a coach. Small doses.

Just... but just a little thing. You just start with some... one tiny thing and get a positive response, and that will build the courage to maybe release a little bit more and a little bit more. If you... if you try going the whole thing and just splurge on the table...

Tim Matthews 17:28Of course it's going to go badly.

But the thing here is... the message to convey is the life that... that a lot of the men want... I know the life that I wanted for a long time was on the side... was on the other side of the emotion that I was trying to avoid.

You know, I shared my story a couple of episodes ago, and a big piece of what led to a lot of the issues in my life, even though I had outward success, was the fact that I ignored what felt true for me to do, because following what felt true for me was too scary. It meant upsetting people. Everyone else was expecting... not being a people-pleaser, it meant all those things.

But that's the life I wanted. It meant I had to confront that. It was on the other side of breaking those chains. And the same is true for a lot of the men.

Lawrence 18:27Same is true for me. You know, I left a marriage because of that. I... I could see what I wanted, but I was desperate to avoid loneliness, desperate to avoid what I felt would be the end of my world. You know, the whole thing would come crashing down, and I was... I would do anything. I would do anything it took.

I... I would even join a strange movement called TPM and spend four years trying to work on myself to do everything I could, and investing in everything I could to try and save my marriage. I tried everything that I knew that I could do to avoid the life that I lead now which is incredible because of the fear of the loneliness, and the fear of failure as well. The fear of feeling like a failure, like... like my parents are still together, you know? It's expected. Everyone's expecting you to do it that right way, the right way, and do it in a certain way.

And actually, the life that I truly desired, the freedom that I truly wanted was behind that. Was beyond... beyond that avoidance of fear, and loneliness, and guilt, and failure.

Tim Matthews 19:30I think one of the first things, if the guys are listening to this, it resonates. I think the first thing to do is get clear on the ways in which you avoid. Because, like I said, some of them are obvious, some of them are subtle.

The obvious ones are obviously overworking, overeating, porn, all the addictions, social media, alcohol. Addictions can be fitness. Addictions can be work. Addictions can be this is going to sound a little bit strange but your kids.

I see a lot of guys that have... some guys have a very codependent, like, live through their son because they are so hell-bent on that child not experiencing what they experienced that they almost go too far. So much so that we had it recently on an event: the guy couldn't go away for three days because he felt so much guilt about leaving his son, and he'd be on the phone to his son any moment.

And on one hand, you know, being connected with your kids...

Lawrence 20:46Being connected with your kids is never bad.

Tim Matthews 20:48Exactly. It's just using it as a crutch, as you were going to say. And he recognizes it as being unhealthy. And his son's, like, 13 or 14, so his son's not a little kid. His son has friends of his own, and he's now venturing out with them so much so he's making his dad think, "Oh crap, what am I going to do now that my son's spending time away?"

So this is what I mean: there can be an unhealthy piece there. So he is avoiding time on his own through what would seemingly be a very plausible, good reason: "Hey, I'm going to do all this with my son." But when you look a little bit closer and you really examine it, just like the avoidance of, let's say, silence: "Oh, I'm just too busy to sit in any kind of silence." Well, if you actually peel that back and look at it, what's going on there?

Or rejection: "I want to avoid rejection, so I'm not going to initiate be it a conversation, be it sex, be it whatever it may be, be it in business or outside business."

And again, only the men are going to know the reality of this. They're the ones that, when they go to bed at night and rest their head on the pillow, they know the places why they are avoiding things. And outwardly, it may not look like they're avoiding that much, especially in business because things are rocking. In actual fact, they'll know if they want to really play a bigger game, but they're avoiding it. They'll know if they want to let go of more control, but they're avoiding it. They'll know if they want to make a big move, but they're avoiding it.

Lawrence 22:24It's the same in business as in...

Tim Matthews 22:27Of course it is. Of course it is.

The life that you want could be personal and professional is on the other side of the feeling that you're trying to avoid. So I think the first thing, if this idea rings true, is to identify the ways in which you might be avoiding, and to really take inventory of that the subtle ones or the obvious ones. And then when you become aware of those ways, that's when the work begins: getting curious about what's going on beneath that.

Lawrence 22:56I was just going to say, getting curious around the story that you've built up in your head. What is the story I'm telling myself that this is going to be so bad I must avoid it? "And look how good I am because I'm doing this thing so much." What is it that you're telling yourself, and is there any... is it valid, or is it just made up?

Tim Matthews 23:19One takeaway for the men from this?

Lawrence 23:22I think the one takeaway I would have for this is understanding the story is not as bad as the reality. When you do confront these things if you do it sensibly, and like I say, maybe take it in small chunks the reality that what you've created in your head is a story of how badly this is going to go and how it must be avoided at all costs is likely to be about 5% to 10% of what the reality is going to be.

Your story will always be worse than the original... than the feared outcome. So I would say examine your stories, and try and gain evidence as to whether those stories are valid or not.

Tim Matthews 24:07I think I'd say look for the opportunities to sit with something uncomfortable over the next seven days something that you might be avoiding. Just sit with it for 60 seconds longer. Just actually become aware of it, pay some attention, and just sit with it for that little bit longer, and see what comes up. And start to become aware of the ways in which you may be avoiding things, be it the obvious ways or the subtle ways.

Lawrence 24:39Great. And book yourself on an Alpha Rising or an Alpha Reset, because either of those things will help you to clarify exactly where you're heading.

Tim Matthews 24:48Oh yes, for sure.

Lawrence 24:49Especially the Rising.

Tim Matthews 24:51For sure.

So guys, thanks again for joining us on The TPM Show. We love doing these for you, so hopefully you're taking value from it.

If you want to find out anything about what we do here at TPM be it The Activation Method, the The Alpha Reset , the Alpha Rising just send an email into VIP@thepowerfulman.com. That's Very Important Person, VIP@thepowerfulman.com, and we'll get back to you.

But until next time, we'll see you again on The TPM Show.