Episode #788
Are you struggling to navigate the complexities of maintaining a fulfilling relationship while juggling various responsibilities?
Do you find yourself feeling disconnected from your partner, unsure of how to reignite intimacy and understanding?
In this insightful conversation, Doug and Erin delve into the challenges faced by couples, particularly focusing on the emotional well-being and fulfillment of women within relationships.
As couples strive to balance the demands of daily life, including parenting, household responsibilities, and career pursuits, it’s common for individuals to feel overwhelmed and disconnected from their sense of identity.
In this episode, you’ll learn how to navigate the complexities of modern relationships with empathy and understanding, fostering deeper emotional connections and reigniting intimacy.
Explore practical strategies for supporting your partner’s personal growth and fulfillment while strengthening your bond as a couple. Join us as we delve into the dynamics of relationships and discover how to create lasting love and connection in your own lives.
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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Transcription
Erin Holt 00:01
We are very capable as men are. Right? But we don’t want to be in charge all the time we have, just like you guys do, like a decision fatigue. We’re constantly in charge and making choices and holding boundaries and making sure things get done and helping all these things parts of life to run. Like, we want a space where we don’t have to do that. We can let the f go and go on a journey and not be in charge.
Doug Holt 00:31
Hey, guys. Welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. If you watched the previous episode, I am once again greeted by a special guest or joined by a special guest, my beautiful wife, Erin Holt. Erin, thanks for being here.
Erin Holt 00:43
Hi, babe!
Doug Holt 00:44
Hey. Is it weird saying that on the microphone?
Erin Holt 00:47
Yes.
Doug Holt 00:48
Yeah, it is. And guys, watching this on YouTube will also get an idea of how beautiful you are and how lucky I am. Speaking of lucky, this question comes by today. And so to give guys that haven’t watched this previously, what I did is I posted in our private group. So for the men that are going through our program, we have a flagship program called The Activation Method. We have one for self and one for relationships.
As you know, they’re eight week coaching, semi private groups. We also have other groups that are year long mastermind groups. And I asked the guys, hey, if I’m able to get you on the show again, what kind of questions would you like? A woman’s point of view, and not only a woman, but my wife and also a coach of women.
So you get a perspective. I would say a wide variety. Kind of like I get with men. You get that with women. Like, hey, you have a large sample size of women you’ve worked with to get an idea. This one comes from a guy whose nickname is animal. Just perfect for him. It’s actually animal from the Muppets, like the drummer. It was just funny from one of our experiences that we did with the men, he was drumming the ground a lot, and so the other men nicknamed him Animal, which is hilarious. An amazing man. Really, really value this man and his friendship. He asked a question, which is, I’m going to paraphrase. He wants to know. He’s like, how do I get my wife to be more sexually explorative, to explore more sexually or intimately in the bedroom without feeling pressure?
And I’m going to give this some context, not only from animal, but I get this question a lot from men where they feel like their wife when they have sex. Sometimes it’s obligatory, and they don’t want that. The guys that we work with, everybody wants to. I don’t know, everybody. A lot of people want to have more sex, but they want to have more connected sex, more passionate sex. They want their partner or their wife not to do it out of obligation, of being their wife or religious obligation. I hear that a lot, too. But they want her to explore different things, to want to open herself up and be more present to that.
So how do guys allow their partner, their wife to open up? And how do they have that conversation? How do they even broach that topic? I know you and I talk about it openly, but how do these guys do it?
Erin Holt 03:07
The topic of sex? Okay, so funny enough, we all do this. It’s how we all got here and there’s such weird energy around it, right? That’s why this is even a question. How do we talk about something that assuming, let’s just assume in a monogamous relationship, this is something that you and I signed up to do. This is what we are doing, just the two of us, right?
So it’s just like, maybe even start it like that. This is so important to me to feel you and so connected and the pleasure of you, the intimacy, the connection, the joy, the fun. And I want to make this as best as possible for both of us and getting down to creating a really safe place for her to understand where you’re coming from as opposed to it feeling like, oh, my gosh, I’m not good enough in bed. He wants more. Is he going to want somebody else? What does this mean? Like, bringing up all the fear? Because all of us, whether we want to admit it or not, have some sort of weird fear or healing that we probably get to do around our sexuality and sexual life and experience places. So just making it feel really safe.
First and foremost, we can get to the bedroom in a minute, but I would assume on some level for men, but 100% for women, sex starts outside of the bedroom. So without knowing any background or context on animals, marriage or life or how they have due life, I guess I’ll just answer it. Kind of a broad thing. From what I know, from being a woman and being married and going through different evolutions of our marriage and then coaching women, is that a lot of times from being married in a household, like remembering that that part is a business and handling some of the unsexy stuff and getting it dialed in really well will free up your woman’s mind to call the mental load like running a household, raising kids, keeping things going. Never stops. Running a business never stops. Right?
So it’s just learning how to a trick that Doug and I have played around with and we’re in constant evolution of is running your house as a business and having times to meet about who’s responsible for what, who does this. So it’s like she’s not constantly being like, hey, can you do this? This needs to be done. Hey, you can do this. Needs to be done. As I’m talking about this, a dynamic that can happen that’s super unsexy. When things like that aren’t handled is she kind of feels like she’s your mom or you’re a third child and you start to feel super nagged or like she’s being your mom, and that is just not a recipe for hot sex.
So clearing up things like that and remembering to revisit it, you might have set some sort of loose agreements 15 years ago, but maybe it’s time to update and be like, hey, how do we actually want our home to feel the business of running that part of our life so that that’s handled? Just like you have strategies and optimization in business. Same thing at home, frees up both of you, honestly. So it’s just real clear.
So there’s no wasted bickering or energy about those things that will free up your wife immensely to able to tap into, have more time to tap into her feminine energy and her sexual energy. And then also things like remembering this is your one person you’re going to be with. Keep the juice alive. Take care of yourself. Date her. She can date you. Like, just like walking by and I say this to Doug all the like, I want you to walk by me in the kitchen sometime and just touch me away. Only you can touch me. And it’s just like a little reminder, a little spark of like, oh, yeah, that’s my man. And it’s so easy to fall out of, yet it’s so easy to do, and it makes a huge difference.
I used to pre-kids think that scheduling was unsexy because you had all the time in the world and the freedom and the space to do that. But now, since having kids, not every time, obviously, but sometimes it’s really sexy to know, like, okay, we have a date night this night, and kind of scheduled sex time. There’s a build-up. There’s a, ooh, there’s some fun knowing that that’s coming. Like, what can I wear? What? Like, things you want to do as a woman to feel sexy for yourself and for your man. And some of those things will help with having the conversations and bringing into, like, you’re allowed to want to explore and just making her feel real safe. And that it’s not from a lack from her, it’s just from a desire to share new things with her.
Doug Holt 07:56
I love it. There’s so many things I want to bring up for the guys. First and foremost, Tim and I did an episode, gosh, a long time ago. Well, a couple years ago, I think, called don’t make your lover your mother. This is off the back of an experience I had in Colombia about seven years ago, if you recall. I went down to Columbia to do a bunch of shamanistic Ayahuasca experiences with a shaman down there. And I was with your brother, as you know. He was there with me. He was my roommate. And I remember him sitting. He’s an amazing man.
We were sitting, having a conversation, and he looked at my side of the room and it was just tidy. When I got my clothes off, I put them away and things, like, just little things. And he looked at his side of the room and goes, oh, my God. And he had this epiphany and right then and there, and it’s changed his life. That little insight is he started cleaning his stuff. His stuff was just trash.
Erin Holt 08:56
Oh, I know my brother.
Doug Holt 08:57
Everywhere. But he’s changed so much, right? Go to his house now. It’s very clean and organized. Definitely it was a paradigm shift. And I related this story to Tim, and Tim was like, oh, my gosh. I do that at our house and expect Amelia to pick his partner to pick it up.
Erin Holt 09:10
Not sexy.
Doug Holt 09:11
Not sexy at all. Nope. And this comes into that, and Tim’s shared this all. And then you and I know a coach in common that Tim and Amelia worked with, and they weren’t having any problems. They were looking at furthering their intimacy, which I think is amazing. Right? Being proactive is such a critical component. So many of the men come into our programs being reactive to things haven’t worked out. But, guys, you want to be proactive. And to Tim’s credit, he was doing that with Amelia.
And this coach asked Tim, when sex start for you? Tim’s like, well, as soon as it comes to my mind, as soon as Amelia touches me, I’m ready to roll. And, okay, Amelia, she asked Amelia, when’s sex start for you? She’s like, well, if we’re going to have sex on Friday, then it starts for me on Monday. And Tim describes this, and he’s talked about it. So I feel comfortable sharing this again of like, oh, shit, if I want to have sex on Friday, I got to start initiating on Monday. Wow!
And so it’s the idea for men to keep revving the engine because you’re going to want to have sex on Saturday, possibly, and Sunday. So that means Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, you got to start initiating. But why not just consistently keep that fire stoked? Which is tough. It gets tough with kids and work.
And again, transparently, I’m sick right now, not feeling well. You’re down, you’re out of resources. And so what we do in our relationship was we communicate. And that’s what I’m trying to get these guys to understand is I’ll tell you, like, hey, I’m tapped out. I don’t have the resources right now. And you’ll tell me the same thing. And that creates a space of openness and also a place to have those conversations.
Erin Holt 10:43
Well, and on the flip side, we’ve gotten a creative sense having kids of like, hey, Saturday at noon, this is happening.
Doug Holt 10:55
Or, hey, right now I’m going to put a show on for the kids.
Erin Holt 10:58
Yeah. So it’s just like, you get to grow and change and get creative over being a long term relationship. Right. And I love that about like, hey, when does sex start for you? Yeah, for women it just starts differently. And I think also respecting that, it’s very different starting points, usually for men and women. And that’s okay. I know I’m going to speak to the women right now, and I don’t know if the men will get this or not, but it’s been ingrained in women. It’s becoming better. But a lot of conversations around, we just take longer to get peaked and get ready to really have sex, be truly enjoyable and feel as good as it can feel. It just biologically takes longer. And I know I used to resist it and just be like, why can’t this just happen really fast and be like a man? What’s wrong with me? There’s a lot of women walking around with shame that it does take long. And then you get in your head and you’re like, oh, my gosh, this is taking so long. And then it’s just never going to happen. Then, speaking specifically of an orgasm.
Doug Holt 12:03
I’m going to jump in here because you ask any guy, if the ideal woman comes to any guy and goes, I only got five minutes, that guy’s like, not a problem. I can make that happen. I can make that work. Whereas women can’t.
Erin Holt 12:18
Typically, no. And there’s circumstances, yes. But in general, in our, let’s just. Our regular day to day lives.
Doug Holt 12:23
Bell shaped curve.
Erin Holt 12:24
Yeah. Just remembering that not every time it’s going to be o*****. If it is, it’s great. But also just the space for it to be okay. Energetically to take longer and have foreplay be part of the actual sex. Sometimes I think with heterosexual couples, we just get stuck in. We’re going places I didn’t know we’re going, but penetration and it’s just like, yes, sometimes quickies are the best. And you’re like, we need this. We’re going to connect. Kind of primal and it’s awesome, right? If everyone’s a quickie, that’s not amazing for everyone, right?
Doug Holt 12:58
Absolutely.
Erin Holt 13:00
Just allowing there to be a range and allowing her mentally, emotionally and physically to have some time and want to give that. You’ll feel her relax and be more open and want to be there more. Right. And not have it be performative as much and just let her whole nervous system relax and know that you actually want to be doing this with her as well.
Doug Holt 13:26
I love it. Two points I want to bring up. One is about what you just said and something’s about earlier. I often tell the guys that for a man to be connected to his woman, he needs to have sex. For a woman to want to have sex, she needs to be connected.
So they’re almost polar opposites in some ways, although they can both be achieved. And so I’ll say this to the guys that are looking to have these conversations. Connection outside the bedroom is first and foremost the key for your woman to want to have that conversation. Because she doesn’t feel connected, she doesn’t feel safe, and she doesn’t feel safe. Why would she open herself up to other things, especially in this western puritanical, if you will, society sex is so taboo, even though, as you said, we all are here on this earth because our parents had sex, but yet we don’t talk about it.
A lot of people right now are nervous that you and I are talking about it. Listening to this. They’ve turned it off already because, oh, my gosh, that’s so weird. Yet this is the thing, and this is the second point. I told you this. Gosh, a couple of days ago, maybe last week, I was in CrossFit working out and I was mad at myself. That’s how I motivate myself. I’m the carrot of the stick. I yell at myself and I work out harder. Growing up playing sports, I always had the angry coach, and I have to be my own angry coach now at 46.
But one of the things I told you is, like I was yelling at myself because my expectation is that you don’t have sex with anybody else. Therefore, I’m asking you, this is the one body you get to have sex with. So I get to make it the best possible within reason, right? I mean, let’s just be reasonable. But that is a motivating factor for me, right? That’s like, okay, keeping my health in shape for me, that’s one thing, and I’m in for that.
The second thing is I’m also asking someone who I love and care about, hey, I want you to have passionate, hot sex with me. And here’s what I’m giving you. And if I’m not giving you something decent to work with, that’s not fair. And it goes both ways. Same thing for you. You’re asking me not to have sex with any other women, so you’re giving me the one body that I get to have sex with. Right? I want to be abundantly clear before everybody gets triggered. If there’s medical issues, other reasons you can’t have the perfect model shaped body like you have, then you look great, babe. I told you that the other day.
You look absolutely fantastic. In fact, I was like, I was thinking about it because you walked around naked about how lucky I am to have you. But this is my line of thinking, and I’m saying this for the guys, you want to take all these things into consideration while you’re working on having this conversation about exploring things in the bedroom that aren’t expectations.
Erin Holt 16:22
Yeah. And tied into that, this is a little more maybe said in a feminine way. So translate, if needed, with your energy with her, and I probably would assume men, too. She wants to feel like you’re a woman in the way, like you want her, you desire. She’s the only one. We know we’re all going to be attracted to other people, but you’re not going to act on it. But you are the one that you are bringing the sexual energy to her and keeping it lit with her. She is your woman. And so bringing in the energy of that and having a deep respect for your sex life and keeping it like this is a sacred thing that you and I get to do together. And this is really, really special and sacred.
And if you’re in a long term relationship, you for sure have gone through different seasons of it and gone out of seasons of it for sure, and come back to it and how to reinvigorate it. I know we have super common, and just even hearing that when we were in tough times is like, okay, this can happen. And what do we actually want working towards what you want, but just keeping it that it’s a really sacred, special act that you get to do with somebody and share, yes, your body, but your energy, your emotions, and that place allows a lot more fun to happen.
Doug Holt 17:45
I agree. I think barring any major sexual trauma. So if your wife has had a lot of sexual trauma, it’s important that she works on that. Right? She works with somebody, a specialist or somebody else to deal with that sexual trauma. It’s pretty safe to say that most women have some sexual trauma.
Erin Holt 18:06
I don’t know anyone that doesn’t.
Doug Holt 18:08
Okay, so let’s just say all women have sexual trauma that they need to work through and work on. And I’ll remember, gosh, this has got to be ten years ago or so. You were working with a woman, and I happened to be upstairs in the office where I could hear the conversation you were having when….
Erin Holt 18:26
We had our personal training. Oh, boy. What’s this about?
Doug Holt 18:28
I guess I could say the person’s name.
Erin Holt 18:31
No, it doesn’t matter.
Doug Holt 18:33
Again, they came in, and this woman was married, had kids, and they were in a seemingly good relationship. But her husband was what we call now a nice guy. Right? He was a really nice guy. Little dorky, what have you. And I remember sitting. You guys didn’t know I was there. So if you guys can picture this, I had three companies at the time. One of them was a very high end personal training gym in Santa Barbara, California. Erin was working there as well.
And so upstairs was a loft area, and I had offices for my other businesses, and I was up there working, and you guys didn’t know I was in there. And she goes, I just want someone to f me. I just want someone to screw me, like, hard. And I bring this up because a lot of guys think that being the nice guy in the bedroom, they have this, what I call the horror Madonna complex. I didn’t invent that, but it’s this idea that their wife is too pristine. I had this conversation in Columbia, actually, their wife is too pristine. They could never do that with her.
So it ends up becoming vanilla missionary only sex, where maybe the guy cuddles a lot, but there’s not a lot of stuff going on. Energy going on. My question to you, I’ll use the word being taken because that’s what I think you would say. What percentage of women do you think want their man to ravish them in a loving way?
Erin Holt 20:00
100%.
Doug Holt 20:01
That would be all of them.
Erin Holt 20:03
Yes. As long as you hit on the topic of lovingly. Yeah. And just in a way where it’s like she can let go because this is her man and it’s throw me up against the wall. La la la. Here we go.
Doug Holt 20:17
Yes. And this is why 50 Shades of Gray.
Erin Holt 20:19
One of the reasons women devoured that. I really read that and as fast as I could.
Doug Holt 20:23
Yeah. It was like one of the top selling books. Right?
Erin Holt 20:25
Yeah. And it’s. Go ahead. Sorry. It’s for a reason.
Doug Holt 20:27
Yeah, you go ahead. I can tell them the reason, but they’d like to hear it from you rather than me guarantee that.
Erin Holt 20:34
Because it’s a place that she can let go and be fully taken. She’s not in charge. She’s not making choices. She is being told what to do, held in your masculine energy, tied in with a goal of pleasure and fun for her and for you. And it is just a really hot space to be. We don’t as women, and this is a full conversation of cultural thing, but real quick, snip is like, we are very capable as men are, right?
But we don’t want to be in charge all the time we have, just like you guys do, like a decision fatigue. We’re constantly in charge and making choices and holding boundaries and making sure things get done and helping all these things. Parts of life to run. We want a space where we don’t have to do that. We can let the f go and go on a journey and not be in charge.
Doug Holt 21:37
Agreed. So coming full circle to animals question.
Erin Holt 21:39
How do you have that nickname?
Doug Holt 21:44
I know. He’s such a great guy, too. He’s in our inner circle, which is our highest level mastermind group. I think we’ll just go back and forth here and correct me where I get it wrong. If I get it wrong, the first and foremost is you have to create a safe space to have these conversations. She needs to know that she’s not going to be judged if she starts to enter what she may think could be viewed as taboo subjects. Right? Whether it be anyway, we all know what they are. I don’t need to list them off. But she needs to know she’s safe, that you’re not going to judge her should she want it or not want it or want something different. Is that fair?
Erin Holt 22:24
And I will say most women, we have a deep sexual well that sometimes just gets in the mix of all. The responsibility of life gets dimmed down. But if given time and attention and energy, I don’t know a woman that does not have a wild side inside of her. And we are dying to let it out. Very much so.
Doug Holt 22:48
So I always tell the guys, guys, your woman is way freakier than you think she is.
Erin Holt 22:55
Oh, yeah. 1 million%.
Doug Holt 22:57
Which is a great thing, guys. And if she’s not being freaky with you, she either going to be freaky with somebody else or she’s going to live with just her fantasies. Right? So that’s one. The second thing that I would say to a guy in this situation is make sure she knows that what you want to talk about is what you want to explore with her and only her, so she’s not worried that she’s not providing something or bringing something. So that way she doesn’t kick into fear mode because otherwise she’ll shut down. Is that fair?
Erin Holt 23:30
Yes.
Doug Holt 23:31
So once you have those, the third thing I’ll say is be friggin fun. I know me. I remember when you and I used to talk about finances. I’d come with, like, spreadsheets and be like, how come these aren’t fun meetings? We end up arguing about money and it’s like a boardroom. Right? I got ready for the boardroom. Don’t bring the boardroom into the bedroom. Right. So bring the fun energy, bring the creative exploration, the fun, creative things. And you can start this by instead of telling her what you want to explore, get curious and ask her what she’d like to explore and see if you can open up that way. Looks like we’re going to have some fun conversations later. I like this. If she’s resistant to this, there most likely is some level of shame on her side.
Erin Holt 24:23
Could be. Or things that get to get healed in the marriage, such as, oh, boy. Well, if there’s just like, a lot of hurt or things that haven’t been cleared up or have really healing conversations around, I mean, that gets in the way of ability to be intimate in a way a level of this where it’s freedom and fun and letting go. So that gets to get handled.
Doug Holt 24:51
Okay. Another thing you mentioned is the overwhelm. And I know some of the guys that listen to this have gone as far of saying, okay, all right, Doug, I hear you say my wife be overwhelmed, but we not only have one nanny, but we have two nannies, and we have someone who cooks. So what the heck? How can she be overwhelmed when I’ve hired all this help for her to take it off her shoes? What’s really going on here?
Erin Holt 25:17
Without knowing context.
Doug Holt 25:21
I’ve heard this a number of times from guys whose wives would just say, oh, I’m just so stressed or overwhelmed. So they say, okay, being a guy, what do we do?
Erin Holt 25:27
Fix it.
Doug Holt 25:38
We’ll fix it. They hire one nanny. One nanny is not enough. Get two nannies. Okay, let’s get a cook to come in and prep meals. Okay. She’s still burnt out.
Erin Holt 25:39
Well, a couple of things that come to intuitively would be like there’s. Without knowing marriage dynamics or anything, well, I would assume if a man was doing the work with you guys, he’s either at a place where he’s finally taken the steps to take a responsibility for the emotional well-being of the marriage and the home and the child wearing. A lot of times, just many reasons, but that falls on the woman and whatever language you want to use these days, it’s called invisible labor. But it’s just like the constant maintaining of emotional harmony and healing and stability and having the conversations to make sure everybody in your family is healthy and happy and feelings get hurt, and you clean it up and teach your children how to do all that. And then if you’re also responsible for maintaining the emotional, healthier marriage and bringing up the conversations and cleaning up the fights, I say it and I feel exhausted. If there’s not a partnership around that part of it, it really is on her shoulders per se, where it does feel burdensome, so it just sucks the life out of her. Does that make sense?
Doug Holt 26:47
Completely.
Erin Holt 26:48
Yeah. You look like you’re waiting to say something.
Doug Holt 26:53
I just know what a couple of these guys, I’m thinking of two guys in particular, would say. They’d say, Erin, I own my side of the street. I show up as the CFO, chief fund officer all the time, consistently. I’ve cleaned up my stuff. I’m doing the work. I’ve got the nannies, I got the chef. I take her on vacations. What gives?
Erin Holt 27:13
It sounds like it might be time for her to dig into herself. And it sounds like she’s probably lacking some sort of deep connection to herself, which we can use the word purpose, right? That’s a really hot word. It’s. Having more fulfillment in life really is a really easy for women to disappear in their lives of disappearing everybody else’s life and making other people’s lives work and being the support role.
And after a while, like a few years down the road, decades down the road, you’re just like, she doesn’t know who she is. She’s literally just disappeared into making everybody else’s life work. I work with a lot of women like this, and it’s really, really important for her to find fulfillment in her own life. And remember, she’s her own being. And it’s a discovery process and really common that can happen with women. And that would sound, I would believe, that’s going on with these women.
Doug Holt 28:09
I think you’re right. And you said, it’s a lot about the work you do. As you’re saying that I was like, oh, crap. We had this conversation last night, if I can share it. You went skiing yesterday.
Erin Holt 28:21
I did, yeah.
Doug Holt 28:23
And you had the mountain to yourself. You’re showing this to me? And I said, oh, what is so and so? What do they do for work? And you’re like, oh, they manage the home now. It’s a stay at home mom. Oh, what did they used to do? And you weren’t exactly sure. We talked about it, but you also mentioned, yeah, she’s really lost right now, as a lot of women are. Right? So speak a little bit to that, because I think it’s so important for us guys to understand. I know for me, guys can be so they can look at it almost from an analytical standpoint. Right? Because we’re so used to this hierarchy of getting tasks done, and then we go out there and slay the dragon, so to speak.
And then we wonder why our wife’s not fulfilled. Because she’s getting what she wants. She wanted to be a stay at home mom or the person taking care of it. And why isn’t she happy? Why isn’t she being grateful for all the hard work I do? A lot of these guys have this story, but I think what you say when the way you said you’ve explained it to me drives it home because for us, that’s you in some ways, not exactly. And as somebody who loves you and cares about you deeply, I want to see you find your quote, purpose or have that spark in you, which you have, but a lot of women don’t.
Erin Holt 29:38
Yeah, I’ll fully admit it. I think stepping into parenthood, motherhood, becoming a father and mother are very different, as they should be. We’re different species, but super common. And I walked through this with myself, and I still am walking out of phase of it. Our youngest is just. I I had a fulfilling know. I did training with professional athletes back in Boston, strength coach, and moved to Santa Barbara.
Doug and I met, we ran our gym together, and then I transitioned into coaching as well and really wanted to be a mom. I know there’s people in this program from around the world, but I will just speak because we live in America, there’s not much support set up in our system to thrive as parents.
So we just kind of, like, I chose to be home with our children for many reasons. I want to be there. Then you don’t get these years back. And even though I wanted that, it is really weird to, like, you spend all these years, whatever. I’m going to college, like I did, studying, getting certifications, hours and hours and hours, years and years of work and honing your skills to then all of a sudden just let it go and be like, okay, here I am. Here I am. I am taking care of a baby, which I wanted, but this is lonely and isolating, and the hardest thing I’ve ever done, hands down, the best thing I’ve ever done, hands down.
So it’s just like, mixing all of that. It’s just a big pot of huge amount of change you can never really be prepared for until you’re in it. It’s the best thing. It’s the f****** exhausting. And you’ve walked away from something that even if you were like, okay, I’m ready for a change. Like, to go from abruptly to, quote unquote, being professional to then your home and just adjusting to like, okay, now I’m the person that takes care of the home and the kids. And some women find really deep fulfillment in that.
I know I personally have days I do and days I don’t. I know I want to. I’ve gone from having a few clients to when we had our second pandemic to being like, I don’t have any capacity to now coming back to having clients again. I know I am in a phase of my motherhood and life where it’s like, I know I’m the best mother, best wife, best person. If I do things that bring me joy, like skiing and coaching more clients and creating things that are for just my happiness. Because we’re so trained as women to make sure our people are happy, that they are thriving, that we literally forget about ourselves. And there’s just whole conversations around that. So that is what I would say about that right now.
Doug Holt 32:31
Yeah. And both of these men, the two men that I’m thinking about in particular, I think this is what’s happening in their relationships specifically. And we’ll get back to animals question here. But the reason I bring this up, because I think it’s so important for the guys to understand, and it’s something you and I have battled. Like, I use the word battle deliberately and gotten in arguments about of either you not feeling fulfilled or me not feeling you’re doing enough or vice versa, or me feeling like I’m not doing enough.
And it’s created this whole idea of identity and not enough has created conflict in our marriage. Right? And luckily, you and I have the tools that we’ve been able to deal with it. And, gosh, can you imagine us having those arguments ten years ago that have been in disconnect for three weeks at least? We both are strong willed people. I’ll go as far as saying I’m stubborn.
Erin Holt 33:25
Yeah, well, we just didn’t have the skills either.
Doug Holt 33:28
We didn’t have the tools. That’s what The Activation Method for relationships does. It gives the men the tools a methodology. We call it The Activation Method. It’s a proven methodology to do that. So you and I have these disagreements, and they last minutes of seconds or seconds, and we’re able to pull ourselves out of it. It doesn’t mean everything’s perfect immediately, but we pull ourselves out of the tailspin.
Erin Holt 33:48
Definitely.
Doug Holt 33:49
That’s the difference. Right? So instead of two weeks of hating each other, it becomes seconds of dislike, and then may not agree, but we come together, and I share all this around. The cornerstone of intimacy. Because if you want to have these conversations without your wife feeling guilty, we first need to get to the root cause. Right?
That’s the key. Because if we haven’t gotten to the root cause of why she feels obligated versus desiring to have these conversations or desiring to have more explorative sex, then she’s just going to do this again. Right? She’s just going to say, okay, I’ll just do this to keep them happy. The status quo. And she’s not going to feel good about it at the end of the day. Right?
Nobody wants to feel like they have to have sex with their partner every once in a while. We all do things to make our partner happy that we might not be as interested in the time, right? We’ve all done that. Or at least I’ll just say, you and I have done that. I’ll speak for both of us, if that’s okay. However, you don’t want that to be the regular. Right?
The regular thing coming through. So I think we come back to this idea of, okay, if I’m thinking about this through and I’m putting myself in one of these other guys situations, I want to have conversations about, maybe it’s Tantra sack. I want to bring Tantra. Hey, let’s do some tantric together. First I want to do is make sure we’re having it in a space that’s comfortable. It’s a safe space. She feels safe. Two, I want to make sure the kids are taken care of, the house is taken care of. So those responsibilities are off her plate. And hey, guys, this is why a lot of you guys are having great sex on vacations.
Erin Holt 35:21
I was going to say, and not when you.
Doug Holt 35:24
And not when you’re home. Go. The third thing is I’m going to reassure. I’m going to make sure she understands that the reason that it’s not something that she’s lacking, it’s something I want to add in as addition to our relationship. Right? The third entity. Right? Not me. Not her, us. And then I’m going to then make sure that I fully understand the rest of her dreams and desires of where she wants to go. Get into her world and see where I can go. Then you can have that conversation about it. Like, hey, I want to have a conversation about Tantra and paint the picture. Make it fun. Right. Would you be open to having a conversation about maybe taking a class on tantric sex?
Erin Holt 36:08
Yeah. Like doing it together?
Doug Holt 36:10
Yes.
Erin Holt 36:11
To have a better shared experience, like learning about something together or like you said, take a class together or read the book together.
Doug Holt 36:19
Yeah. I was talking to a guy recently. This is months, actually, not recently. A couple of months ago. And he was looking to hire a woman who was a sexuality expert, and it involved a lot of physical touch. You paid. It was a high price. Almost sounded like an escort service when you read a description, but it was under the tantrum. And she would touch you, and you would touch her in ways that would arouse excitement and learn how to touch your woman better and what have you.
And when he was telling me about this, sent me the website, asked for my opinion on it. The thing is, he was going to not tell his wife. He was going to hide it from his wife. And this is the idea of, and a lot of these guys will do, not necessarily to this extreme, but do things like courses and classes in secret because there’s also this shame for the men of, I should just know this, right? Rather than, hey, let’s do this thing together. I want to please you more. So I’d like to learn how to go down on you better. I’d like to learn on what excites you, what turns you on. And rather than having that conversation, I know I used to do this in our marriage. I would go take courses in secret.
Erin Holt 37:29
Wasn’t secret. You thought it was.
Doug Holt 37:32
I always think I’m sneakier than I am. I’ve just come to realize I’m not as sneaky at all. But I would do it because my ego would tell me I should just know this anyway. And the fact that I didn’t would damaged my picture of manhood within me. Now it’s more fun that you and I just have these conversations together, right? You like it better? I like it better. And rather me going to some course website course to learn about how to pleasure you. I can go to the source. I think you know a thing or two about your body and what makes you feel good.
So again, guys, what Erin’s saying again, and I’m saying is it’s the together part that a lot of men miss. And we miss it because we think it conflicts with our manhood. We think we should just be showing up. Our wife should be having multiple orgasms four or five times a day with us only. But we get this built into us, right? The story I’ll tell you, we have thousands of men active in the program right now. Not one of them is doing this right. Not one of them is knocking at a ten out of ten every time in the bedroom with their wife. It just doesn’t work that way. And vice versa.
Erin Holt 38:38
No, it’s not reality.
Doug Holt 38:39
It’s not. The movies will make you think so. Guys will think so. Right? And it’s a funny thing. So you want to set the scene to be have these conversations, but it’s also building blocks. So if there’s been an affair recently, if there’s been a lot of abuse, emotionally, physically, whatever, recently, you have to build back that trust before you can just jump into a conversation of this depth. I think that’s an important side note, asterisk, because I also know some of these guys will go from zero to 60 given the opportunity. Is that fair?
Erin Holt 39:13
Very.
Doug Holt 39:14
Okay, awesome. Well, I hope this has been helpful for the guys as we go through this. I think, man, honestly, I think that identity piece that you brought up, I know you coach, most of the women have this. I think that’s something we need to talk about more because I don’t think guys know this exists, honestly.
Erin Holt 39:31
Yeah. Well, if your woman’s lit up in life, she’ll be lit up in the bedroom. Speaking on the top of sex, if she’s lit up in life, her own life. That’s the thing, really. Teach women how to reclaim their life. And it’s not to pull them away from their family or partners. It’s actually the opposite. If she’s pretty much half dead, not feeling alive. We’ve all been in different seasons where I know I’ll speak for myself. Where I was like, where did I go? I don’t even feel like I’m living in my own life.
And so it’s just like this very big, like, wait a minute, what do I need to do for me? Because I’m constantly in caregiver mode and that takes a huge amount of bandwidth. And so it’s just remembering, reclaiming her own life so that she can come back the best version of herself, fulfilled and happy and joyful and sexy and feeling those feelings inside of her.
As women, we relate to our world through feelings, how we feel. Sometimes I’ll talk to Doug and I’ll be like, oh, wait, how do you feel about that? I’m like, oh, yeah, yeah, you’re not one of my, like, then I have to reframe the question. But it’s like if she’s feeling alive in her body and feeling connected to herself, feeling love for herself, like, what will radiate out of her is a hugely different woman than somebody who’s just lost herself and disconnected and disappeared into the responsibilities of marriage and work and parenthood. And it’s super, super common and it’s also super possible to turn it around. I’ve done it with myself over and over again, reinvented, and I see it with the women I coach all the time.
Doug Holt 41:10
I love it, baby. You’re such a great resource. These guys are so lucky to have you on the show.
Erin Holt 41:16
Thank you.
Doug Holt 41:17
Getting here directly from your mouth. And so are the women. So are their wives. For guys that want to pass this on to their partners, what’s the best way for them to get a hold of you?
Erin Holt 41:28
Easiest, you just go to my website at sweatdirtandsoul.com, and you can just reach out in there and erin@sweatdirtandsol.com. is my email. And then, yeah, I’m starting a group at the end of March for really high touch, semi private women’s group that’s going to dive into all of the stuff that we just spoke, like, just hit on.
Doug Holt 41:48
I love it.
Erin Holt 41:49
Excited.
Doug Holt 41:50
I’m excited for the women. I’m excited for their children. I’m excited for the men. All that’s going to come out of this, it’s going to be amazing. So thanks for all you do.
Erin Holt 41:55
Thank you. Yeah, I’m really honored to get to be on here and to get to do this work and have these conversations with you.
Doug Holt 42:00
Yeah. Let’s keep them going. Gentlemen, as we always say in the moment of insight, take mass of action. And this is a big topic. We went a little bit tangentially here, but I think it’s important, right? Something that I’ve learned along my journey is this thought process that comes up, I think, for a lot of women and like Erin, who’s still sitting here next to me, which is weird talking like this, but went to college, went to university, got amazing grades, got an amazing job in her field, worked her tail off to get to the top of her field.
And then, of course, you can imagine, just like us, right? Your wife is going to have these goals, these visions of what her future is going to be like, what she wants to do. And then she actually puts that all to the side to raise the family, to raise these children, to help us out, right, as men. And then as the kids start to get a little bit older and they get less dependent. Now, who is she? What is her identity? And I think a lot of us guys forget that this is happening for the women that we love the most in our lives, and it creates even more disconnect.
So make sure that’s at the forefront of your mind. Have those conversations, guys. Go back and listen to the tips that Erin provides here. If you want to have these conversations with your partner about how to have more intimacy, but also about sexual healing, about making sure you’re not only having the best in the bedroom, but they also are as well.
Guys, loved having this conversation. If you want more questions or things for me to bring the table, if I can get Erin to come back here, go ahead and let me know. We’ll create another thread privately into the powerful man private group. But also, guys, we do have a public group over on Facebook. I’m personally not in there very much, but other coaches are. So you can go ahead and leave those questions. They do filter down to me, and I’ll be happy to do my best to get Erin back in here. Until next time, guys, we’ll see you on the TPM show.
All right, guys, that’s a wrap for this episode. But as I always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. You see, there are two types of men that listen to a podcast like this, those that go on from one podcast or show to another just hoping things are going to change and realizing that they’re going to be in the same place month after month, year after year.
You see, I was this guy so I completely get it. You may just not be ready. But there’s also a second man, a second man that listens to a show just like this. And this is a guy who takes massive action so they can shorten the learning curve, compress time, and get RESULTS to be the WOLF. See, WOLF is an acronym for Wise, Open, Loving, and Fierce.
Now ask yourself, which one am I? And just be honest with yourself there. And there’s no judgment on my end. But if you’re ready to move from deactivated DEER mode, which is Defend, Excuse, Explain, and React to activated WOLF, Wise, Open, Loving and Fierce, then go over to thepowerfulman.com/grow. And go there now. In fact, I’ll make it super easy for you. I will even put the link right in the description here so you can just click it and go over there now to learn more. Guys, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Go from deactivated to activated, because like I said, life is too short for average and I’ll see you on the next episode!
