Episode #672
Do you feel disconnected from your wife?
After working with thousands of men, we’ve discovered a tool that you can do on your own (without having to involve your wife) that will help.
It’s called the Chart of Intentional Living (COIL).
The COIL will help you reflect on your wins which is an excellent way to acknowledge your accomplishments, gain perspective, and maintain a positive mindset. Embrace the process of growth and development, and enjoy the fulfillment that comes from playing at your best.
In this episode, we’re discussing how to play at a higher level in life and what you can do to reward yourself so you can find ways to win more.
Hungry for more?
Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
Also listen on:
Transcription
Tim Matthews 00:42
So gents, welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I am here with Mr. Dougie Fresh, the shark master jam himself. How you doing?
Doug Holt 00:53
I’m doing great man having a great day. I headed to the TPM ranch here after this podcast, we’re getting things ready. As you know, the listeners may not know, we are literally flying all of our staff. So guys, you don’t probably realize this, you probably just hear the two of us on the show some of the guests that we’ll bring on, which will be expanding, but we have 27, I believe, it is full time staff that will be coming out not everybody is able to make this trip. But that make The Powerful Man movement possible knots, coaches operations, clients success, and on and on and on. So we’re gonna have a shindig for these guys. And they’re going to be coming to the TPM ranch in Central Oregon. So we’ve got 106 acres we’ve secured for the ranch, so we can hold more retreats for, for business leaders like yourself, and it’s going to be a really good time, I’m excited, Tim.
Tim Matthews 01:48
Me too. It’s gonna be incredible. We’re gonna give the roughly three acres each to go and plough and nurture and look after, and it’s gonna be a great time.
Doug Holt 01:59
It’s certainly an idea.
Tim Matthews 02:03
Yeah. It’s gonna be great, having the men come out as well and meet some of the team that have played such a key part in impacting these guys, these guys lives is just going to be really cool to give back to the team in that way and have them to be able to interact and meet the men face to face because it always gets to do that, given the fact that it’s online that I always get to come to the amazing events that we do in different parts of the world.
So yeah, I’m really looking forward to — I’m incredibly grateful. Just for everything, really what we get to do, how we get to do it, who we get to do with, where we get to do it. So to be able to be there with the team, with the man at the ranch with you, dumped on with you, but everything else will make it a really enjoyable experience. I’m very much looking forward to it. It’s gonna be great. So anyway, moving on, I just got off a call with the men in the inner circle every Wednesday, just before this podcast along with those guys. And, and I’ll say this every time.
But they’re rocking. They’re just doing so well. And I’m gonna give some specifics here. Because there’s two key lessons, I really want to highlight from that call that really struck a chord with me that I’m going to share them with you duck, and then I’ll get you take on them. And I’m sure you’ve seen these come up for you in coaching the man. And obviously, we’ll just refine it from there. So anyway, we had animal, obviously, you know, animal, his dog, amazing man.
And one of the wins he was sharing was the way in which he handled some disconnects between him and his wife. He recognized it, his wife came up to him and kind of said, hey, what’s going on what’s wrong. And in the past, even 90 days ago, what he would have done is he wouldn’t have been honest, he would have pushed down essentially what was going on for him. And he would have come into the private channel with all the rest of the Wolverines in there and been reactive and annoyed and frustrated, and complain really about the lack of intimacy and disconnect that was existing in that moment between him and his wife that in that moment could have been a day or two days, whatever varies.
But instead, this time around, he held firm and just shared with the hey, there’s some distance between you and I just feel it. I love you. I love our relationship. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong in that sense. I’m just feeling some distance between those right now. And he just handled it in such a great way. Later that night, they went for a date. And his wife had been more affectionate and been doing various things. And she said to him, hey, how are you feeling? Are you feeling a bit closer to things? Is this better for you right now?
And she was wanting to make him happy. She just wanted to meet his needs. He didn’t tell her to do anything. He wasn’t complaining. He wasn’t throwing his toys out of the pram. It wasn’t react there was none of those things going on and they had a great night, great night of intimacy. He shared the distance while remaining connected to [inaudible 00:05:04]. He did it from a very calm, grounded, strong, loving place, which meant she didn’t feel criticized, she just recognized oh, something off here. Let me try and fix that. I just think that’s huge.
And I said to him, hey, look 90 days ago, consider where you were 90 days ago, how you would have handled that exact situation. Look at how you’re handling it now. You guys are talking about renewing your vows. You’re taking all these great trips together. And he said, Holy shit, you you’re I didn’t even think about that, like 90 days ago. Yeah, I was a completely different man in that relationship, how I would respond and react to things compared to now. And he was blown away.
And the same thing happened with two of the guys on the call that were sharing the wins. And I said the same thing, hey, consider where you were 90 days ago. And again, same thing inside, oh, my God, it was tangible, you could feel it on the call. So the first thing I want to touch on before I move on to the second point here is that the power and potency of reflection, right? Being in group of men, and being able to be in a group of men, where you can have a mirror held up, but also been able to see that shift over that period of time, because week to week, it doesn’t feel like a great deal. Right?
But actually, if you look back, it’s huge. And the other thing, one of the other men on the call false in nature, he’s just come through a really challenging time in his business where he’s had to step back in, to lead it out of a lot of the struggles it was experiencing in the day to day. So it’s a concert and rolls, his schedule got quite full. And he’s now coming out of that. So I asked him, so what are you gonna do to celebrate? Is that what you mean? Listen, Tony, you’ve stepped in, and you’ve shown up in a big way for your team. Right?
So what are you going to do to acknowledge yourself and celebrate yourself? Whether you do it today, or whether you put something on the horizon for a few weeks time, once this person’s fully on boarded in their seat? What are you going to do to acknowledge? How hard you’ve worked? How hard you’ve chosen to show up for your employees, for your company, for your family? Because as business owners, no one ever acknowledges the business owner. Everyone always acknowledges, well, they spend their time rather always acknowledging everybody else, always pouring into everybody else, celebrating the team, celebrating their family, their wife, whatever it may be.
And it can become quite lonely, right? Kind of holla. If they don’t blow their own horn or to their own horn from time to time doesn’t need to be public. But even in private, and pine themselves on the back and saying, hey, good job, well done, do look at what you’ve done, proud of yourself, and just give themselves something, whatever it may be a trip, a car, they want to — well, he chose a car, but you have to be as grand as a car. But you get the point. Right? Just giving yourself something, treating yourself. And that’s the other point, I think it’s very easy to just skip on. Because he was saying, yeah, I was just going to skip onto the next thing. I was just going to move on and keep going.
And again, taking those points in time, which kind of alludes to the previous point, to be able to recognize how far you’ve come but also then as a business owner, to give yourself that pat on the back because nobody else is really going to do it without feeling bad about it. And that’s something else often comes up for the guys to feel bad about it. Without feeling like it’s coming from arrogance or ego because it isn’t. But instead of allowing it to really feel your confidence and sense of self and have a great deal of appreciation for yourself for how you’ve shown up for yourself over that timeframe. So, yeah, over to you, Mr. Dougie fresh.
Doug Holt 09:09
Yeah, no, you know, celebrating all of those guys in the inner circle, for those that don’t know, is our highest level group mastermind that we offer. So these guys are all playing at a high level. And it kind of reminds me when I think of the inner circle, Tim is you know, I grew up playing soccer, football where you live, and I know you did as well. And well you know, when I got decent at it. I noticed that when I played with people who weren’t very good I always played down to their level, right? I played worse, you know, where I passed the ball, the way the move around the field, etc. I played down.
Now when I played with people were better than me. I have two older brothers as well who were 7 and 10 years older. So I played with them and their friends growing up. You know, I always rose to the occasion Now I wouldn’t be as good as them but I would rise my level of play would come up and it’d be harder right? Playing with people who are better than you is a big ego check. It’s harder on your body, right? Probably a little rougher, there’s all kinds of things to take in. And these guys in the inner circle are doing that they’re playing up to a higher level. And they’re these guys are rising to the occasion, which is such a cool thing to see.
Their channel is — we have a private channel just for them. It is extremely active. I’m a voyeur on that channel. Every once in a while, I throw in a Giffy, because I think it’s fun. But most of the time, these guys are just really in there encouraging each other, and their growth is phenomenal. And one of the things you were talking about is this idea of reflection. You know, especially as business leaders, you know, we set these huge goals or B hags, right, we’ve all read Jim Collins book, you know, a big, hairy, audacious goal. You know, we set those things, we put our head down, and we get shit done, we crush it.
And as soon as we’re done, we’re stressed out, we’re tired. We exhale, and then we set the new one, we set the new goal, we go after that, we did the same thing over and over again, without taking time to actually reflect. Now one of the things that we have our men do is they work through what’s called the businessmans chart of intentional living, we call it the coil, right? Chart of intentional living. And within that coil, there’s a daily reflection process, a weekly, a quarterly and a yearly reflection process, right? And this way, you can look at what’s happened.
Just like in business, you can’t move forward, unless you have accurate data, your personal life is the same, your relationship is the same, your marriage is the same. You need to look at things where things went wrong, but also where things went right. And you need to celebrate those things that went right, because what you’re doing is you’re, you’re activating your subconscious, you’re telling your brain, yes, give me more of this, right. And so your subconscious brain, which works, I don’t know what the processing was, like a billion times faster than your conscious brain. It’s crazy. You guys can all Google it. Right?
But that conscious, that subconscious brain is going to start to work towards getting you more wins. It creates a snowball like effect, but you have to do it, you have to reflect just like animal was talking when you when you had him reflect back on where he was like holy cow or force of nature. Right? These are all these guys nicknames. We’re not gonna use their real names here on the show. But those guys when they take time to reflect on how far they’ve come, it’s been amazing. The force of nature has been with us, like almost four years, I think, through the programs. And I remember when I first met him to the man he is today is night and day, I consider one of my closest friends, I don’t get to talk to him as much as I’d like to. But that guy has grown, just leaps and bounds. I mean, it’s amazing. I smile just thinking about it.
And I look forward to having a pint of Guinness zero with you, my friend when I see you. But that is just the kind of things you do. And but you got to surround yourself. You’ve all heard this, the slogans, iron sharpens iron, or you’re the sum of the five people, you spend the most time with you pick, whatever personal development book or even religious texts will talk about this. And that’s what these men are doing. Right? They’re sharpening the iron with each other, but also within themselves. And, Tim, I think you did a great job, something you do really well. One thing I admire about you is you, you take your reflection process very seriously. And that’s a great thing. And that allows you to course correct along the way. Right? And that is something that all of us get to do.
Tim Matthews 13:24
Yeah, to your point, I just for me personally, when I was going through on the first 26 years of my life, 27 years of my life did not go to plan. And there was zero reflection. Zero. And since then, whenever, for me, at least whenever the happiest periods of my life, when I’ve got consistent reflection. Not saying that the periods when I experienced the most, the highest volumes of cash or whatever it may be sex or whatever. It’s kind of irrelevant at that point. Because all those things are vehicles to happiness, in my opinion anyway, why do we want all those things? Well, we want them because of how what we think they’re going to give us. They’re going to give us a sense of fulfillment or happiness or freedom or whatever it may be right?
Typically, those things do tend to happen a lot more easily as well. When you and I’m here, when I am in periods of reflection equally on the flip side, when I look it’s one of those things, it’s very easy to do and very easy not to do. Yeah, so when I do let it slip, I’m human like everybody. It slips from time to time. And it can easily slip for a day or two in two days and three days. And there’s a drastic difference in my mood, my clarity, my irritability, and all sorts, it’s just night and day is huge. So see, I love that all the men do obviously follow their reflection, like you said, the chat of intentional living. Here’s what they use. Yeah, just huge to just see them today, trying to find the Wednesday, they’re just gonna skip by it as well.
Oh, that thing that animals interaction with his wife, huge win, massive. I just thought back to those messages that we used to get like three months ago, four months ago, he would be raging, right? Quite rightly. And the difference now is just incredible, literally nine, this kudos to him for doing the work. And I love that he saw it. And the action steps that he’s taken between now next week is to write a letter coming from the first of September, looking back over summer, and all the things he’s accomplished over summer and the lessons he’s learned over summer, and just basically, reinvented himself again, leveling up and looking back from that perspective. And again, the theme of reflection, right? It is huge. Again, false in nature, just rewarding yourself the idea of rewarding yourself business owners, which often just sacrifice we used to do in it. Right? Sacrificing ourselves to do we want? Under the surface sometimes… (Crosstalk)
Doug Holt 16:20
[inaudible 00:16:20] is a good job of that, too.
Tim Matthews 16:23
Yeah, he’s amazing. Yeah. At the same time, it’s what comes first winning or feeling like you’re winning. Right? So the idea of rewarding yourself is a great book, ice cream for breakfast, starts off with this person sharing out when she says things happened in this person’s life. And then they went through a period of when they went to a restaurant, they’d order dessert first. Why save the best thing to last on the on the best thing now? It’s just that philosophy. So yeah, just to see the guys rewarding themselves, especially faster nature for the way that he’s showing up consistently, I think is really important. And a lesson we could all learn from.
Doug Holt 17:08
Yeah, it’s fun for the guys listening to this, when you look at your reflection, right? So, you know, I believe that where we are today is the result of the little things, some big ones, right? You know, you could have some, if you’re looking at relationship could be an affair, it could be you know, but what led to that, it’s a lot of little things, we need to reflect on what those little things aren’t even reflect often and by reflection gives you the starting point and your ability to course correct. So you got to do this in doing your business. You know, within The Powerful Man organization at various levels. We’ve had daily, weekly, and monthly reflections from the whole entire team, you know, from what the team is doing.
So you can do those reflections, you can have an end of day reflection of your team, let them reflect back on their wins or whatever else it is. One of the first things I do when I’m coaching and one of our one on one clients, when I take on a one on one client is we’ll have them report five wins each day. Sounds weird, right? And honestly, a lot of guys, most guys can’t do it. Now, these are borderline brilliant. I mean, they’re really, really intelligent people. One on one coaching with us is a six figure commitment. And it’s a big time commitment, right? We’re going deep. And when you ask these guys who are very intelligent, give me five wins every day for 30 days, a lot of them can’t do it.
And it’s not because they can’t be consistent. It’s because it’s very difficult to programming and their mind is on negativity, right? And they’re not negative people by nature. But they’re so used to solving problems, problems, problems, problems. And that’s what’s gotten really good at business. But it’s also what’s really hurt them in their marriage is really hurt them in a personal relationships in their lives. And they have a hard time finding this consistency. And it’s with this reflection and setting your course right setting a direction 30 days of finding five wins. And all of you guys can do this right now. Or you don’t have to pay six figures for a coach to walk you through this process. Do it today.
But most guys don’t. They have they get tripped up. And then we work in the programming, what’s the programming that’s causing this that’s causing this to creep up? It’s not intelligence. It’s not lack of time. So therefore, it must be something else, right? It’s subconscious programming. And that’s something we dive deep with the guys in the brotherhood, the inner circle and our one on one clients. But you have to have the reflection and with reflection can also come celebration. Right? You want more dessert, right? If you’re if your reward is the hard work you’re doing, you’re getting dessert, you’re gonna you’re gonna get more wins guys, your body and your mind, they’re gonna find ways for you to win more. Now this can be in your relationship with your wife, it could be with your kids, this could be at work, this could be financial, so your wealth, but you gotta find those wins over and over and over again. If you’re always looking for the negative stuff, there are actually studies that show, it lowers your immune system, you’re gonna get fatter, less healthy or less vibrant. You’re not going to be a fun person to hang out with, you got to find those wins.
Tim Matthews 20:07
I love that, great point!
Doug Holt 20:11
Well, gentlemen, whether you’re in the inner circle, whether you’re in the activation method or no alumni, find your wins, find your wins, record them. And it gets better in this and the guys in the inner circle are getting this is when you share those wins with others, it drives it home into your DNA, there’s something about that sharing, especially when you’re sharing with the high level performers, that drives it deeper, deeper and deeper. And, guys, if you’re struggling out there right now, and you’re a little lost a little stuck, especially in the area of your marriage, I’m gonna encourage you to jump on a call with one of our advisors, there’s no charge for that. They’ll give you an insight, they’re going to look at your situation, see what’s going on for you. And see if the activation method for relationships is for you. It is a methodology, a proven methodology 1000s of other business owners just like you have gone through.
Right now, it’s only open to business owners and executives, of bigger companies who are looking at opening up in the future. Right now, that’s what we can do. We limit it to nine men per group, nine men only. So if you want to get in, just get on a phone call, make that phone call happened. Get off the fence. And I want to see you reflecting on your wins. So you can look back like animal and see where your wife is now stepping up to serve your needs because you have done the work. Gentleman, as we always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. We’ll see you next time.
