Episode #734
Did you marry the wrong woman? Or did she marry the wrong man?
Are you stepping up to your potential?
In this episode, Tim and Doug discuss the common dilemma faced by men, questioning whether their dissatisfaction stems from their choice of partner or their own lack of personal growth and development.
Drawing from personal experiences and client interactions, they shed light on the complexities of relationships, underscoring the significance of self-reflection and individual responsibility.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 00:15
Hey, gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim the powerful Man Matthews. You like it when I reintroduce you that way?
Tim Matthews 00:42
Sure.
Doug Holt 00:43
Okay, I’ll stop. There’s a time you asked me to do it. Begged might be a better way to say it.
Tim Matthews 00:50
Yeah. Please.
Doug Holt 00:52
Deleted. Gosh, if I had a nickel for every time you said that. So, interesting topic. So earlier this morning, gentlemen, we were up having coffee. Tim, Arthur, myself, here at The Ranch. If you haven’t had a chance to come to the TPM ranch, got to be here, man. The snowcapped mountains. Tim, beautiful.
Tim Matthews 01:10
Richard, just send a meal or video of it.
Doug Holt 01:11
Yeah, it’s absolutely amazing. The topic came up and we had differing opinions and we’ve kind of come to a consensus to a certain degree. But there’s still some questions coming in. Is oftentimes — oftentimes men will say, did I marry the wrong know, did I marry the wrong person? And let’s just start the conversation how it went this morning, and we can kind of dovetail it in because you had a point where you and Arthur were talking about on how a lot of men just married the wrong woman. They married her out of desperation, out of need.
Tim Matthews 01:45
Yeah, I think some guys did. I’ve seen it often play out with a lot of the guys we speak with. I mean, you hear some stories and it’s just awful. Right? And I get it. We’re not there 24/7 so we don’t know exactly what the guy is doing and how he’s showing up and what’s gone before it. But, yeah, I also do believe that there is an element of this, and I get it. Bell shaped curve. Right? But there is an element of this for some of the guys, I believe that did marry the wrong woman, and they did so out of desperation, neediness, codependence, and it was never really going to work.
Doug Holt 02:23
Well, let’s take it back to what we were talking about this morning, because I know, your opinion has changed a little bit on that since our conversation, which is great. It’s one of the things I love about you is you’re very open to changing your opinion.
Tim Matthews 02:35
Yeah. So, obviously, I brought the conversation up. I said, I think the number one thing that the number one challenge or the number one issue, all the guys that come to us is, I think that they married their own woman. To which Arthur obviously then said, yep, I think that’s a real issue for a lot of guys. To which you then countered it with a good point.
Doug Holt 02:54
I’ll give you my counter.
Tim Matthews 02:56
Yeah, give it.
Doug Holt 02:57
So when we were sitting there talking about it, and the only reason I’m not bringing this up to be right, because you had another great counter to it, again, which we’ll talk about. It’s always hard retelling a story when you have a conversation that’s like a debate. It’s not a debate, but a discussion is what it was. And I saw it just a little bit differently. So a lot of times what the men will complain about is, like, I married the wrong woman. She’s not sexual. We no longer are intimate. There’s no time in the bedroom.
We’re talking about one guy in particular who has been putting a lot of work in, and he and his partner still aren’t as intimate as he would like them to be. And in this case, this particular guy is trying things. And we were talking about some of the things that he has been trying, and still they’re not intimate. They’re just not intimate. And that’s when this topic came up. Hey, some guys just married the wrong woman.
And so I asked the question. I said, hey, do you believe that if. I’ll use a different person this time, but do you believe that if they were to separate or whatever, if she were to meet her favorite actor, right? And her actor was to try to seduce her, would she also be not sexual? Or do you think that she’d jump in bed with him to the response that everybody has obviously? Like, maybe not obviously, but the response was, well, yeah. Well, yeah, she’d sleep with that guy because he’s good looking, he’s suave.
And so my counter to that, and this is something I’ve been through, guys, my counter to that is, well, that means your wife is just not sexual with you. Right? And that’s a hard pill to swallow, boys. But the reality is your wife is sexual. She’s just not sexual with you or the version of you that’s showing up. And I said that because this man who’s putting in work as an example, he’s not going all in, in a lot of ways, a lot of full ways, and I’m not picking on him in any way, shape, or form.
And I remember thinking about this, and the reason I came to this conclusion is I remember thinking about this with my marriage. Sometimes when our sex life wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be, the easy thing for me to do was blame my wife. I married the wrong woman. She doesn’t like to do X, Y, Z, yada yada yada. All of these things, right? She’s just not a sexual. She’s not doing these things for me. She should fall onto her knees when I walk in the room because I’m such a great guy. All the stories men tell themselves.
But I started thinking, well, jeez, if so and so, like, pick an actor, because actors are just easy to think about. That’s in the movies. Good looking dude comes in, would she be turned on? Yes. Okay, so if this guy’s there, she’d be turned on. But when I’m there, she’s not. That’s a me problem, not a her problem. And that means my SMV, which we talked about in the last show, that means there’s something I’m doing, not necessarily wrong, but there’s something I’m doing that’s not fulfilling her or fulfilling her sexual desires. And that’s the issue. It’s not her. That’s the issue.
Tim Matthews 06:15
Yeah, I definitely agree with that. If you look at it from a sexual component, I think what came to mind for me early when I was thinking about this is taking the sexual component out of it. I see a lot of guys in relationships, and they’ve never been or very rarely been on the same page. Even in the beginning, the way that they would communicate or the arguments or the things that would create disconnect are still creating disconnect today. That would create disconnect back then. Yet some guys saw it as a challenge, and I did this, saw it as a challenge to change that woman and marry that woman because they believed that they would change her.
Doug Holt 07:00
So you said a lot of guys. I don’t believe a lot of guys.
Tim Matthews 07:03
Not a lot of guys.
Doug Holt 07:04
You said a lot.
Tim Matthews 07:05
Not a lot.
Doug Holt 07:06
I want to clarify it for the guys listening because I think I agree with you. And we brought in off air a couple of things. I love this conversation. So it’s a smaller population. And the reason I’m only clarifying this is not to make myself right or you wrong.
Tim Matthews 07:25
No, no, I don’t think that way.
Doug Holt 07:26
Or that’s okay, that’s just obvious because I don’t want guys to use this as an excuse. Right?
Tim Matthews 07:32
Big time. Yeah. That’s why I was saying earlier about I don’t want this to be misinterpreted when we were talking because I was honestly a bit nervous about sharing this because for that point, I don’t want it to be misinterpreted. And I was in a similar position. I was engaged to a woman that I should definitely not have been engaged to. And my story back then was, okay, well, maybe if I propose, things will improve.
This sounds just so irrational, but okay, well, if I propose, maybe things will improve, because that’s what she’s saying to me. She’s saying, oh, well, the issue is we’re not engaged and all my friends are getting married. And she felt like she was getting left behind. There was a lot of other issues in the relationship as well. So anyway.
Doug Holt 08:17
I’m just going to be transparent. Like, one of the reasons I got married as well initially was I thought, or at least I thought when I got married, things would be better.
Tim Matthews 08:24
Yeah. So when I proposed, it just moved. The thing that she was complaining about moved from the lack of being engaged and her feeling like she wasn’t progressing to, oh, well, we haven’t got a house yet, so then we got a four bedroom detached house that we’re going to have a family in and all that kind of stuff. Oh, well, the wedding isn’t booked yet, so we booked a wedding venue. And this, like I said, came off the back of so much other dysfunction in the relationship. I am so grateful that that marriage did not happen.
Doug Holt 09:00
Yeah. I am too.
Tim Matthews 09:02
I love that she’s married. She’s got a great family. Awesome. Happy for her, happy for me. But the point is, I think some guys that I’ve spoken to be in the movement, guys that you speak with on the phone and you ask them, hey, well, when was a time that it was good? And some of them really struggle to remember a time, even in the beginning, right, when the attraction is high sex is there, all that kind of stuff. So going back to the point, totally agree with you. But, yeah, I think for me, back then, I was insecure. I didn’t realize it, but I had a fear that nobody else would want to be with me if I didn’t go down this route. And what would other people think? So there was a lot of people pleasing that was going on.
Doug Holt 09:44
Sure.
Tim Matthews 09:45
Be it for her, be it for others. And there was even codependence looking back both from both sides, from me and from her. And I think some guys, a portion of them do then go into that marriage and that relationship continues. And then some people might think, oh, if you have kids, it’ll make it better. And before you realize, you’re ten years down the line and you guys should never have been together in the first place.
Doug Holt 10:10
We were talking to a guy recently, back to this last trip, and he thinks that if he moves out of his current house into another house, everything’s going to turn out just fine, hunky dory. And he also knows subconsciously, it’s full of shit. It’s not going to be, it’s not going to change anything. It’s going to make things worse, probably, before they change. But I also think this is such a small portion of people, right? I think this does happen. There’s a couple of guys that you and I can come off the top of our head and go, yeah, they married the wrong person. Right?
But the majority of people, to your point, you were insecure, you lacked confidence and things of that nature. If you had, two things. One, if you were more secure, more confident, you would exited that relationship sooner. Two, for a lot of the guys, they’ve lost confidence along the way. They’ve become a dear, they’ve become a nice guy. And so I see this all the time in my social circles, right? Because my kids are young. And you’ve heard this, me talk about this before.
Brad, my brother, told me the exact same thing. This is what’s going to happen when you have kids. You’re going to be hanging out with their friends’ parents, which are going to be my peers. And that’s what happens, right? We go to kids parties, we do things so that it’s just easier that there’s other kids around and other parents. It’s a community to take care of the kids. And so I get to talk to the dads, and more importantly, I talk to the moms or the wives, in this case of the men. And almost all of them are living this, like, quiet desperation. And all of them think that it’s their wife’s fault or their husband’s fault or whatever.
And really what it is, is we talked about sexual market value. The husband’s sexual market value has gone down. They’ve either given up, they stop dressing nicely around the home, which I’m guilty of, but also they stop working out, they stop taking care of their mental health, right? They start drinking beer, watching TV or doing something else, playing video games. Who knows what it is, for our men, it’s working. They go back to work. They tune into work because that’s where they get fulfilled and their wife gets lonely.
So I say this to you, listener who’s listening to this, who’s blaming their wife, did I marry the wrong woman? Because she’s not acting a certain way, she’s not doing certain things. So the bedroom is an easy way to talk about it. Not because it’s about sex, but you typically don’t have sex unless things are going right in your marriage.
So it’s a scoreboard and not a scoreboard. I’m going to get nailed on this in all the comments and everything. It’s not a scoreboard, like I’m putting a notch in my bed. Everybody already thinks I’m chauvinistic. It’s the dumbest thing ever. I love women, but whatever, you got to take the hits for trying to help people. It’s not a scoreboard like a notch in the bed, but it’s a way of saying, is my relationship healthy? Right?
Because when it’s healthy, men and women tend to be intimate. We’re both sexual beings. So when you look at this, oftentimes I would just ask yourself, okay, my wife’s not the right woman. She’s not funny. She doesn’t laugh at my jokes. She doesn’t do the dishes, whatever it is for you. She doesn’t bring home enough money. She brings home too much money. Whatever your story might be, is there any man that she’d act differently for? Anyone? Right?
So if I, this is going to trigger people, this whole conversation, but if your wife goes to a hotel bar, she’s out with the girls and Tim, I’ll use you so I don’t get in trouble. Tim walks up and is there, and he happens to be single. He’s energetic, he’s flirtatious. Is she going to be tempted? Is she going to laugh at his jokes? And it doesn’t have to be you. It could be Gerard Butler, it could be Tom Cruise. You pick, you name it. Who’s the guy that plays Aquaman?
Tim Matthews 15:05
Oh, Jason Momoa.
Doug Holt 15:06
Dude. That dude’s a friggin beast, right? That guy rolls in to the hotel bar, you know, is she going to be interested in what he has to say? Chances are yes. Right? Most guys probably might be, right? That guy’s a beast. Well, what is it? What is it about him? There’s the fantasy of who he could be, right? What is it about him that would make her interested in him and not you? Is it the fact that he’s got a killer body, is it the fact that he presents himself? Is it the fact that he’s the top of the food chain in his industry? Or is it the mystery, the fantasy? These are all things as a man you can recreate in your marriage. All of them.
Now, you’re not going to look like him. At least I’m not going to ever. But I could better take care of this physical body, right? When I said to my wife, we’re going to be together forever, what I also told her is you can’t touch another man. So therefore the only body you get to have sexual relations with is this one. Do I give her a piece of crap or do I give her something to work with?
Think about that. That’s a reality of it, right? If I let myself go completely, then I’m giving her. I’m basically saying, you can only have sex with this fat dude who has no energy, no strength, no muscle, can’t pick you up, can’t throw you around, none of that stuff. But you can’t touch anybody else. You get this, right? Or the mystery, right? So Jason Momosa.
Tim Matthews 15:36
Momoa.
Doug Holt 15:37
Momoa. [Inaudible 15:38] Mimosas, please. Jason Momoa. So for him, the mystery, why can create more mystery, right? Most of us as men, we do the same thing. We follow the same routine, we get up at the same time, we get coffee, we take a shit or whatever we’re doing. We do the same thing. We go to work, we wear similar clothes in our closet over and over again. We come home at the same time, we drive to the same place. The mystery part is maybe we go to the same bar. There’s no mystery. So I can create mystery in my marriage.
We teach men how to do this through The Activation Method and into The Brotherhood. So I can do that. Okay, what else about this guy? He’s at the top of his food chain, right? He’s the top of the industry of actors, of male adventure actors, I would say, okay, can I do that in my industry? Can I be the head honcho?
Yes. I can work harder on my craft. I can learn for what we do. I could become a better coach, better storyteller. I can do all of these things. Now, am I going to be like him? No, not at all. I’m not. I could be better in certain areas, possibly, but I can start working on those components. And if I work on those components, and we see this all the time, Tim, the women start to take notice. Take the gentleman that was in the inner circle, for example. Three weeks ago. I’m not going to say anything. He’s not in the inner circle, but he’s at the inner circle event. He does one on one coaching.
Three weeks ago, his wife was looking at houses and she was looking at houses. She was moving out, and she was dead set. They were separating for a year. Complete separation for one year. Fast forward. He changed the way he showed up and all of these categories we’re talking about. He got a text two days ago from his wife, who’s not touching him. She literally said, do not touch me. Do not talk to me. She was out. She’s house shopping. Three weeks later because he shows up so differently and does all these things we’re talking about. Right?
The wrong woman is now saying, hey, I just got my hair and nails done and a bikini wax. Why don’t you come back into the bedroom? Because he was sleeping. She kicked him out of the bedroom, essentially.
Tim Matthews 17:44
Yeah. I think a key thing you said I want to go back to is not to blame the wife.
Doug Holt 17:49
Yes.
Tim Matthews 17:50
When I think back to where I was, yes, I was in that relationship, but coming out of that relationship, I realized that it wasn’t working. Okay. What was my part in this? And that’s when I became aware of how I was creating that, quite frankly, and tolerating certain things, made changes, got clear on the kind of woman I wanted to be with. A woman that was strong, confident, didn’t need me, wanted to be with me, but didn’t need me, supported my growth and my journey, various things ended up getting with Amelia. Right?
Now, obviously, ups and downs in any relationship. We’ve been together almost ten years, so there’s inevitably ebbs and flows to things. But the thing that makes her continue to be the right woman for me is we both take responsibility for our pie in things.
Doug Holt 18:36
Exactly.
Tim Matthews 18:39
So we can grow together even through those tough and challenging times. So I think you’re spot on. I definitely lead the way in the relationship. She’ll definitely respond to my mood, be it a good mood or not. She’ll definitely respond to my energy, be it present and confident or not. She’ll go either way. So I think you’re spot on. The guy has a major part to play in this, and you definitely cannot just use, oh, I married the wrong woman as an excuse. Because even in that scenario, like I just said with me before, I totally chose it and I totally created it.
Doug Holt 19:14
Yeah. And we’ll go back to the guys that have married the wrong woman because there are some that come to our mind that we’ve become privy to. And guys listening to this that aren’t involved in the movement. You got to understand that we know a lot of the intricate details the men share with us about their lives, the good, the bad, the ugly, going through it. And I want to drive home this point for you guys listening to this or watching this.
And by the way, guys, if you don’t watch this on YouTube or go ahead, give it a shot, because there’s a lot more that comes into this rather than just the audio. So make sure you go over there and check it out. Is all too often the men who are complaining about their wives when they start to turn it around, their wife becomes not only the right woman that they married, but better than they could ever imagined. And how often do we hear that? All the time.
All the time, we hear from men that come through. They’re on the verge of divorce, they’ve screwed up. Their wife’s had an affair, emotional, physical. They may have. They come into the program within a few short weeks, start getting these paradigm shifts, like light bulb moments that we teach them on how. It’s a methodology. That’s what guys don’t get. The Activation Method is a proven methodology. It’s helped thousands of men, businessmen in particular.
But they start doing these things, and then we hear this all the time. I heard this from so many guys at our last event, is, oh, my gosh, my marriage is better than I ever could have even dreamed of it being. But prior to that, a few weeks prior to that, my wife’s a bitch. She’s this. She’s that. This is a horrible marriage. I made a big mistake. They’re fantasizing about the secretary, the barista, the woman at the gym, the woman down the street, because how amazing she is. And if they were married to her, everything would be perfect, right? But the reality is, they changed who they were.
Well, they didn’t change who they were. They refound who they are. They reclaimed it. Alpha reset. My opinion, the best thing any man can do, period. Hands down. I have no problem stating that as a fact. Hands down. Alpha reset, the reset, and they reclaim the man that’s inside of them when they do that. To your point about Amelia, the woman, quote follows, but she’s not really following. She jumps along for the ride, because that’s the ride she wanted to be on. All right? Women have this innate ability of seeing who we are as men. Deep inside, they can see your potential and who was really in there. And what pissed women off more than anything is when we don’t show up with that potential.
Tim Matthews 21:52
Big time. I remember Amelia telling me when she realized she was becoming attracted to me. She said, I really considered, do I want to be with this guy? Because she knew what, because she saw how much I worked and what I love to do and she knew that it was going to be quite a ride and she knew what she was going to get herself in for. But obviously the attraction was there as well for her. And she could feel what she was, she said, and she could feel what she was. She noticed what she was getting pulled into, but I was amazed by that.
As a guy, do we ever sit down and consider? But to your point, she could probably see the man that I could have been. I probably was oblivious to it then, but she could see where it was going to go. I think another important point with this is a question I asked myself when I got out of that other relationship and got into this one. And I think it’s a question that we ask the guys often, right? Hey, if you went into another relationship, would you just end up at the same point in another relationship, be it a lack of intimacy, be it arguments or whatever? And invariably the answer is often yes, right?
Because the guy just ends up taking his same baggage into the next relationship and he just resurfaces in a different way unless he takes responsibility like we’re talking about and does the work on himself to bring the best version of him to the relationship. And typically, like you said, when the guy does that, the wife invariably responds.
Doug Holt 23:27
Yeah, I mean, the easiest example of this, I agree with you. The easy example of this is I’m going back to you saying how Amelia naturally, obviously attracted to me out of context. The easiest example for this is when we talk to guys who are on their 2nd, 3rd or 4th marriage, right?
Tim Matthews 23:45
Yes.
Doug Holt 23:46
Hey, it’s not working out. What’s the common factor? Oh, it’s you. Okay, why don’t we work on that? And really what it is, guys, where I think of what we do is you ask, was it Michelangelo? How did you come up with David? Well, I took the piece of rock and I chipped away everything that wasn’t David. And then that’s what we do for the men. We chip away everything that’s not you, the society’s put on you that’s weighed you down. Remember all the mojo you had in your 20s and 30s? As you’re building your business, as you’re out there tackling the world that still lies within sight of you, that is still there, we’re going to Argentina. We’re going to have an epic adventure.
When’s the last time you had an adventure? When’s the last time you created mystery? When your wife, you told your wife, hey, I’m going to a foreign country with a bunch of business leaders. We’re going to do epic stuff. We’re going to do growth and personal development. I don’t know what they’re going to do because they don’t tell us what they’re going to do and they come out a better person. Women find that sexy. I’m working on myself. That’s something every woman finds sexy in a man. I’m doing adventures. That’s sexy. There’s mystery on what’s happening and they’re grabbing life by the balls. That’s sexy to a woman. That’s what creates mystery. That’s what creates intrigue.
And she also knows your stock is rising because you are growing. You’re going to grow by being around other men. You’re going to grow by being in a foreign environment. You’re going to grow by actually doing growth elements at the thing that are led by professional coaches. There’s all kinds of things. Now, she wants to get in the passenger seat with you and go on that ride. She doesn’t want to go on the ride where you go to the Applebee’s on a Tuesday because that’s your date night, right? That’s not what she’s looking for.
If you do that, and nothing wrong with Applebee’s, but if you do that every Tuesday for a come on, man, where’s the fun, the excitement, the upliftingness? Especially for moms that are stay at home moms. She’s talking to kids. She’s picking up clothes all day, big time. She’s feeling unappreciated, most likely. She’s most likely thinking, I gave up my career, my aspirations and my dreams for this. And then you’re showing up as half the version of you. You didn’t marry the wrong woman. She married the wrong man. And that’s where people are going to get pissed and triggered. But that’s the truth. That is more likely the answer.
Now, there are exceptions, and so we will cover those. However, before we move on, guys, I want you to think about that. Did you marry the wrong woman or did she marry the wrong man? Are you stepping up to your potential?
Tim Matthews 26:24
Great question.
Doug Holt 26:25
And if you’re not stepping up to your potential, you owe it to her, but more importantly, owe it to yourself to step up to your potential. It doesn’t mean you have to join The Activation Method, but you have to do something. Right? I think men’s work or the work that men do together is needed in today’s society more than ever. Right?
So if you don’t go with a powerful man movement, which we’ve got case studies of hundreds and hundreds of men that you can see that share their life changing effects of going through our program. There are other programs that are out there. I don’t know them because I haven’t been through all of them, but I see the ads and such. Do something. Just do something.
If you’re a married businessman and you’re cool, you, right, you pass the beer test, you’re not a jerk. We’d love to have you into our tribe. We’d love to invite you in to see if it’s a good fit. It’s really simple. You get on a quick phone call, you talk about what’s going on in your life. They’ll let you know if it’s a good fit. If it’s not, they’ll recommend something else to you. We have an application process to get involved in our movement, and that’s why we say there’s no ass holes involved. When you go to an event, there’s literally zero jerks. But we protect that tribe very closely.
But call, find out. Get on a call, 15 minutes. You’ll find out right away if it’s a good fit for you. If not, you’ll get an insight. You can move on now. So ask yourself that question. Is my stock fully in? So maybe it’s not my wife. Maybe it’s actually me. And this is what I did, Tim. And I told you about this when my wife and I were splitting up way back when, is I was running the beach in San Diego. And you’ve heard this story way too many times. I realize a lot of guys haven’t heard this story, but I feel like I’ve told it too many times at this point.
But I remember running on the beach. I was staying at a beach house. I had separated from my wife. Quote, I left, needed some time away. I was staying at a beach house in San Diego. Beautiful place. I was going for a run on the beach. And I could feel. I just remember the salt air. The waves are crashing. There are big waves at this point. And I could feel the spray of the waves hitting my skin. And it just hit me, like, am I the best version of myself? No. Okay. Shit. Not being the best version of me. Okay.
Am I the being the best husband I could be? No. Okay, maybe it’s me that gets to step up. And then I gave myself 30 days right then and there. I’m going to give it 30 days. The powerful man didn’t exist back then. There was no programs like that. Men’s work wasn’t really even. I mean, it was, but it wasn’t a thing, if that makes sense. So I had to go on this quest to try to figure this out. And in that 30 days, not only had my wife and I reconciled, but we were now having this wild, amazing marriage at the beginnings of it that were better than we had thought it could be. What would change? Jeez, Doug, what changed in those 30 days? Me.
When I started changing, my wife started doing the work, too. She wanted to do it. She wanted to get along for this ride, because it started to become exciting again. And honestly, in my eyes, it wasn’t as bad as a lot of the guys been through. I didn’t let it go as far as a lot of the men that I see and we talk to, but yet it still wasn’t where I wanted it to be or where my wife wanted to be. We talk about it openly now.
So I now know what she was thinking during those times, right. And she was questioning, did I marry the wrong guy as well? So I share that all with you guys in my personal journey, because I’ve been through it. I know where you are. And it’s always the guys are the last ones to figure it out. Your wife has been thinking about this for one, two, five years. Wishing, crying in the shower by herself, crying with her girlfriends because she’s hurting inside.
Tim Matthews 30:04
I think an important point of that as well, is in being the best version of you, you get to also figure out and tune into what you’re willing to tolerate. And not because part of you being the best version of yourself is you start to regain respect for yourself and you’ll do certain things, which is very attractive to a woman. Right?
Because as I was hearing you say that, I was worried some guys might think, okay, I get to be the best version of me, which means I get to just show up and kind of like, be a nice guy. It’s not about being a nice guy whatsoever.
Doug Holt 30:35
Not at all.
Tim Matthews 30:36
I think it’s an important distinction for some guys listening.
Doug Holt 30:39
No, I’m glad you brought that up. Thank you. Yeah. This doesn’t mean you have to clean the house better. You have to do all the things better, like that. Most of the men, myself included, were doers. Right? We’re problem solvers. And so when we see our wife unhappy, she complains about the dishes. It’s never about the dishes, guys. It’s about something else. But we’ll start doing the dishes. We’ll preemptively do stuff. We’ll hire the housekeeper, the maid, the nanny, and they’ll inevitably get fired or something else because it was never about that issue. It’s about being the best version of you for you first and then her. Right?
And so the analogy I use for my marriage and going to Alaska is the perfect analogy for me. I had this trip, this epic Alaskan trip planned. I got invited by one of the world’s foremost underwater photographers to join him. He’s like, Doug, I’ll cover the cost. You just pay cover. You don’t have to pay me anything extra. Hopped in a sprinter van. Right?
When Sprinter Vans came out, it was like one of the cutting edge of having a sprinter van hopped in. It drove from Santa Barbara to Valdez, Alaska, which is a long trip, guys. But on the web, my wife’s like, no, you’re not going. Like, no. I was like, oh, no, look, I am going on this trip. The passenger seat is open, and I want you to take it. I want you to be there. I am going on this trip.
And I repeated that a few times for it to hit her, and we were arguing about it. I say arguing. I was so definite of purpose. It wasn’t really an argument, but she was pushing on every angle she could find. Guess who ended up in Alaska with me? My wife. Right? And so I share that with you guys, because you need to have an adventure or a ride that she wants to get on board with. She needs to get on board with for you first. My wife had no desire to go to Alaska. That was my trip. I just invited her along for the ride because it filled my cup.
So, yeah, you’re spot on. I’m glad you brought that up. Don’t be a nice guy. And, guys, if you haven’t read the book by Dr. Glover, no more Mr. Nice Guy. I recommend it. Read that because it’ll probably show you what you’re doing and where you are in your journey and why you need something like The Activation Method to get yourself out. That is. The quickest turnaround is get into a program like The Activation Method, which is our flagship program. It’s about eight weeks or so for guys to go through it and actually complete it and turn their marriages around, turn their relationships around, refine themselves. So check that out for sure.
Now, let’s talk about those rare cases where men do marry the wrong woman. And what goes on with that? Because I have some theories around a few of the ones that I’ve seen.
Tim Matthews 33:20
Okay, I’ll let you kick it off. I’m curious what you’re thinking.
Doug Holt 33:24
Yeah. So, I think a lot of times when this happens, men are at either A, a low point in their life and they’re looking for someone to rescue them, or men are trying to fill their ego up so much and trying to, they find a woman who they believe is way out of their reach, and they try to fill their ego by marrying that woman, trying to get the woman.
Tim Matthews 33:52
100% to both of those fill a void or prove something.
Doug Holt 33:55
Yes. So when they’re doing that, they’re coming from the wrong place. It’s such a needy energy that then that’s when you can have women who are psychopathic, bipolar, who are. Well, psychopathic. When I think of these women, a lot of them have so much emotional trauma and issues within their lives, I think they have a lot of psychological issues. And honestly, that’s probably why the women settle for a man that they deem less than them, because a lot of these stories, it seems to me, when I look at the corollaries with these stories, if I were to sit across from the women, they would say that their husband isn’t worthy of them and that they settled. Right?
Tim Matthews 34:42
Yeah, I could see that.
Doug Holt 34:45
And these women tend to be abusive emotionally, often abusive physically with their men. They lie a lot, oftentimes, affairs, physical or emotional. So they go outside the marriage, and they will manipulate their men to the Nth degree, right?
Tim Matthews 35:09
Yes. And I think the guys can do all that, too, for sure.
Doug Holt 35:12
Oh, absolutely.
Tim Matthews 35:13
Same relationship.
Doug Holt 35:14
100%. Yeah. I’m just thinking of the married the wrong woman title of this show. They’re not compatible. They just are not compatible.
Tim Matthews 35:23
Nowhere.
Doug Holt 35:24
And oftentimes, the man holds on. Well, the man holds on because his identity, 100% of the time now, he’ll make up excuses. He’ll say, religion, I won’t get divorced. My parents, I won’t get divorced. Money. That’s a common one. Kids, they’ll use all these excuses. And then when you and I talk to them and our coaches and what we do is our job is to be a mirror. Right? We to push against you to make sure. And we never tell a guy what to do. We push against him. We have some heavy thoughts often, but we never tell a guy what to do in these situations.
However, I’ll use the money one. It’s the common one. Well, I’m going to lose half my money. Well, she’s already sleeping around. She’s already spending her money. Like, what do you mean you don’t lose it? You’re not making any more money. You’re miserable. And why do you have money? Well, I got money because I want to protect my family. Okay, so you’re telling me you’re in an abusive relationship, your kids are watching you get abused. Your kids are watching you get manipulated. How healthy is that for your children? Right?
How safe is that environment? Your house isn’t safe. Your house is toxic. It’s a horrible environment for the kids. She’s already spending all your money anyway, right? She’s spending it on that, and most likely she’s spending it on other men. How is that saving your money? Oh, by the way, have you talked to a financial advisor or a lawyer about how you can protect your assets? And every time they. Yeah, no. And every time they do.
Tim Matthews 36:56
The story makes it easier.
Doug Holt 36:57
The story makes it easier. And when they do, when they get pushed, usually by other men in the group and no one there, by the way, I want to make it clear, none of us advocate for divorce. No one does. Not at all. We’re big on saving the family, saving the marriage. There are cases where I do believe, personally that divorce is something. That’s an option. And I know we have some people in the movement that it’s not. That’s very fine. Right? There’s no judgment.
But in this case, they’ll talk to a fiduciary, a financial advisor, a lawyer, and they’ll find out, oh, wow, all my family money is in a trust. Oh, I’m not going to lose that much money. So then the excuse becomes something else. I’m doing it for the kids. Then come to find out, your kids are watching a toxic marriage. This is how they’re learning. A relationship is. That’s not healthy for the kids. You need to talk to a lawyer. Talk to the lawyer. Lawyer says, oh, yeah, actually, you could probably get full custody, or most custody. Okay, that shoots that one in the holes.
Okay, so now it’s da da da. What’s the other excuse they use often? Money, religion. We were talking to a guy who said, yes, I can’t get divorced. My parents were against it, da da da. And come to find out in one particular case, that wasn’t the case. Let’s just say that I’m trying to not call any one particular guy out because I don’t think that’s not what I want to do.
Tim Matthews 38:25
It’s pride. Right? Pride and ego. Because even I don’t think of some of these guys that then go to finally go to marriage counseling with the wife. Maybe they’ve tried it before coming to us, maybe not. And even the marriage counselors to say, you guys shouldn’t be together. Yeah, but they stay together. It’s pure ego and pride. To your point, it’s identity. What will people think? How will I look?
Doug Holt 38:46
That’s we are.
Tim Matthews 38:47
That’s all these stories, and it’s incredibly selfish.
Doug Holt 38:49
I was working with a guy one on one, love the guy. And the only reason now he saved his marriage and turned it around. So that’s the asterisk to the story. But he kept on telling me, if this marriage doesn’t work out, I’m going to look bad in my community. People aren’t going to trust me. And he was in the financial industry, they’re not going to be able to trust me because they’re going to look down on me. And all of these things that were just complete bullshit, made up stories of paper. [inaudible 39:17]
It’s more than that. I think it’s more than a piece of paper. But the guys use this as an excuse to justify their actions or their inactions. Now, again, this guy was able to turn things around because he did the work. If he would have dropped that BS story of what are people thinking of me? He wouldn’t have ended the marriage. He would have just done the work faster and he would have been able to turn it around quicker. But he was so stuck on this. This isn’t working. This isn’t working. What are people going to think about me when this fails? Because his wife could have pulled the trigger, right? What’s going to happen here?
If he would have changed that mindset and let that go of what other people were thinking of him and focused on bettering himself for himself, he would have turned his marriage around much quicker, because ultimately that’s what it did. What it was able to save his marriage when he and I were working together was we took him through The Activation Method. I just did it personally. He and I, we did everything. So we compressed time. He started showing up as the man that he used to be when he first got married and showing up as a man that respected his wife in a different way, and it was great. Now his marriage is thriving.
Tim Matthews 40:27
Yeah, I think some of the guys, again, this is kind of rare, but when they start to do the work on themselves, they become a version of themselves that they never even realized they could be, which is fantastic. And in doing so, they become aware of what they are willing to tolerate, not what they deserve, essentially. And yeah, in some of those instances, they begin to then speak up. Boundaries come into play and things get communicated in the relationship. And the wife begins to respect those boundaries and the wife begins to change, and in some instances she doesn’t. But equally, the guy will then not have any consequences in place.
So it’s not really a boundary, it’s more of a desire. But it’s okay if I get spoken to a certain way or treated a certain way or whatever it may be, and it just ridiculous. The relationship in that particular instance isn’t healthy and is dysfunctional and just isn’t going to work. But the point when the guy does the work on himself and realizes that he deserves more and he’s capable of getting more and all that fun stuff, if he’s really willing to take a stand for himself, for the betterment of himself and his kids and even his family, because in that dysfunctional, unhealthy, toxic environment, nobody is winning.
Doug Holt 41:51
Well, if I can jump in, it reminds me of something I heard one guy say to another guy was in one of these situations, he said, could you, by not separating, are you holding her back?
Tim Matthews 42:02
Yeah, it’s true. We say often, right? True love can sometimes be setting the other person free.
Doug Holt 42:08
Yeah.
Tim Matthews 42:08
Right? Because it’s not serving either person. And maybe the wife may be scared, she feels the same, but she’s not willing to be the one that takes a lead and initiates the separation. But going back to the point, I think, to your point. Yeah. It’s in a rare segment of guys that they’ve married the wrong person. And if they take responsibility for themselves and do the work on themselves, usually the woman will follow. In the rare instances where that doesn’t happen, usually it’s because the guys got into a relationship either to fill a void or to prove something, which is complete ego. It’s the ego that then also keeps him trapped.
Doug Holt 42:45
100%. So let’s wrap this up, because I’m conscious of the time here as we look at things. I’m going to go out in a limb, Tim. I’m going to make up a stat. Statistics are the most made up thing ever. But I’m going to say, of the men who say I married the wrong woman, 98% of them really just need to get their shit together.
Said very bluntly, so, guys, if you’re hearing this, just know I’m calling you out. Because I was in the same situation, boys, I was in the same situation where I thought I married the wrong woman. And if you see my wife and I now it’s night and day, right? It’s my ideal marriage. So, not perfect, but my ideal. So you look at that, and that’s because I took ownership of my side of the street, and my wife took ownership of her side of the street, and we came together for some commonality.
So if you are saying I married the wrong woman, my question to you right here and right now is, or if you’re not having enough sex in your marriage, my question is. And you’re saying, well, my wife’s just not sexual because it’s menopause. It’s this. It’s her history. She’s had so much trauma, Tim. Right? Oh, cool, cool. So you’re telling me if Jason Momoa.
Tim Matthews 43:54
Yeah.
Doug Holt 43:54
Who? I want to bring me a mimosa. If Jason Momoa came in, you know, would she not be attracted to him? If that opportunity to sleep with this guy came up, would she say yes? Assuming that you’re not in the picture anymore, let’s just assume that you guys separate, and now she meets this strapping guy. Would she be alert to have sex with him, or would she be alert to be excited or laugh at his jokes? If the answer is yes, then it’s not that your wife’s not sexual. It’s not that your wife doesn’t laugh at jokes. She’s just not sexual with you. She just doesn’t laugh at your jokes. And so then you get to do something to either A, change it, or, B, exit. Right? It’s as simple as that. And if you’re going to change it, which I recommend, get off the friggin fence, get onto a call with one of our advisors, and start living your best effing life.
Tim Matthews 44:45
If you’re not going to change it, realize you’re going to take it to the next relationship. You repeat the palm.
Doug Holt 44:50
And stop complaining. If you’re not going to change it, stop complaining. Right? That’s a hard thing, man, because people don’t realize when they’re playing the victim card. No man wants to be a victim. But look, I’m paid professionally to listen and listen to the intent behind words and things that people are saying. And I can tell you when I talk to so many men, they are being a victim in their relationship because it’s not them. It’s their partner. If their partner would only change, you’re like, hey, man, here’s a mirror.
You got to do the change first. You got to do those actions first and for yourself. And that’s a win-win situation. There’s no loss when you invest in becoming a better version of you. You only win, and nobody can ever take it away from you. So, man, as we always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. And we’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
All right, guys, that’s a wrap for this episode. But as I always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. You see, there are two types of men that listen to a podcast like this, those that go on from one podcast or show to another just hoping things are going to change and realizing that they’re going to be in the same place month after month, year after year.
You see, I was this guy so I completely get it. You may just not be ready. But there’s also a second man, a second man that listens to a show just like this. And this is a guy who takes massive action so they can shorten the learning curve, compress time, and get RESULTS to be the WOLF. See, WOLF is an acronym for Wise, Open, Loving, and Fierce.
Now ask yourself, which one am I? And just be honest with yourself there. And there’s no judgment on my end. But if you’re ready to move from deactivated DEER mode, which is Defend, Excuse, Explain, and React to activated WOLF, Wise, Open, Loving and Fierce, then go over to thepowerfulman.com/grow. And go there now. In fact, I’ll make it super easy for you. I will even put the link right in the description here so you can just click it and go over there now to learn more. Guys, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Go from deactivated to activated, because like I said, life is too short for average and I’ll see you on the next episode!
