Divorce Day And How To Avoid It

Episode #752

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Doug Holt  00:00

Welcome back guys to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I am your host, Doug Holt with my co-host, Arthur Magoulianiti, and Tim Matthews. Guys, what I want to talk about today is a very serious subject we talked about a lot on this show. And the importance is because we see the other side of this so much, right, we see the downturn, we get the calls in mid-January-February, of men who are heartbroken and distraught. And what I’m talking about is divorce day. 

Now, a little background, you guys all know this, so it feels weird telling you guys, but for our listeners that are newer to the show, they may not have heard about this, blew my mind when I found out. Now of course, we know that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Who would take those odds, right, in Vegas or anywhere else? Maybe if you’re gambling and having something, but for something that’s so important is marriage, 50% odds aren’t that great. Yet, all of us think we’re going to be on the 50% that makes it. Okay. 

Now, here’s another stat after I heard that stat, blew my mind, 70% of divorces are initiated by a woman, by the wife. That means most likely 70% of the 50% that go through divorce were surprised, shocked to find out their wife’s not happy. Right? That goes to 90%, 90% if your wife has a college degree or higher. What? Right? So now all of a sudden you take the people who are, guys who are waiting and thinking things are going to get better or hoping things get better, they get blindsided by a woman who is going to be filing for the divorce; 90% if their wife has a college degree or higher. That’s huge statistics. And most of these catch the men off guard. 

Now, when does this happen? Well, in what we call family law, which is divorce law, right, most of these, the largest day for divorces to be filed is the Monday after January 1st, the week after January 1st. It is called divorce day. You can Google it, you can look it up. Blew my mind, Tim, when you brought it to my attention. 

Absolutely amazing. And we have some theories on why this happens. And guys, at the end of the show, we’re going to tell you how to pull this back so you’re not the man that gets handed the divorce papers in early January. So Tim, why do you think this happens?

Tim Matthews  02:51

Various reasons. One, guys can be so oblivious. “Oh, things are good because we’ve stopped arguing.” No, she’s checking out. When things are not good, they’re worse. “Oh, I’ll just focus on this business issue. Then once that’s fixed, I’ll focus on the marriage issue.” You might not have time. “Oh, she won’t divorce me. She needs me. She can’t do without me. She’d be stupid to be without me.” And then you’ve got the holiday season that kind of coincides with this. “Okay, we’ll just hang on for Thanksgiving,” if US-based or even Canadian, maybe Thanksgiving I’ll make it better. Maybe that time with the family, maybe this will be the time that the guy will make an effort and show up.”

Doug Holt  03:42

This is what the woman is thinking by the way.

Tim Matthews  03:46

Yeah. The guy then spends most of his time on his phone, be it obviously, running off to the bathroom in secret. The guy’s checked out, he drinks too much, she doesn’t get involved. Or maybe Christmas, the holiday season, maybe that will make a difference. Nope. The guy continues, continues to leave the decisions to be made up by the wife; where they’re going to go, what they’re going to do, what they’re going to eat. He’s just like a, honestly, like another kid, just a burden. 

And it just arrived at this point where the wife begins to think, hey, do you know what? I have another kid on my hands. It’d be easier if I wasn’t with him. I’d have less to think about. So I don’t have to think about him and getting him sorted and the stress of being around him. So now I’ve got this period of, to use business terms, Q4 out of the way, right because lots of key dates within that. I’m going to make my exit. I’m going to have the entire year to figure things out and get good so that by the time it comes around again, we can have a reasonably good time. Maybe even a better time because I don’t have to worry about all this other stuff. 

And all the while, in my experience, a lot of guys have those false assumptions of, she won’t leave me, it’s good because we’re not arguing, I’m going to solve this business issue, then I’ll focus on the marriage. And it just trips them up massively. Now the smart guys, they’re the ones that honestly speak to — reach out to help and speak to our advisors or speak to other people, whatever and they realize that there’s an issue here and they’ve got to change something before it’s too late. 

Some guys leave it too late and reach out once they’ve been handed divorce papers. But luckily for us and what we do, we’re able to help guys pull it back from the brink of divorce. We’ve done that many times. I think it’s an incredible thing we do. But some guys leave it too late. And then the woman gets frustrated, right? Why didn’t you make the change sooner? Why did it take me filing for you to finally see? Why is it taking all this? Because some guys leave it too late.

Doug Holt  06:02

Yeah. So, I’m going to clear a couple things up for the listeners who aren’t as experienced in these things and give you some analogies on here. So oftentimes for a woman to file, usually a woman will say when we talk to them, or my wife who coaches women talks to them, they’ve been given clues for a couple of years — [crosstalk]

Tim Matthews  06:21

Oh, yes. Big time.

Doug Holt  06:02

— and they’ve been looking for a couple years, and after a while they get so frustrated. Also a woman typically won’t file for divorce unless she has a clear exit plan, right. Another job, another man, another place to live; one of those types of things, oftentimes. And so the guy just doesn’t pick up the clues or thinks it’s going to get better. 

And then to your point, Tim, the holidays approach and the woman’s hoping that this is going to be the last stand, or she’s most likely just waiting so the kids have a good Christmas with the family, get that last family photo. And then the guy, to your point, when he shows up, oblivious, he drinks too much, he’s disengaged, he doesn’t know how to connect with her, it erupts into fights. He thinks he’s going to get holiday sex, it’s not, he gets frustrated, she’s also not getting laid, she’s frustrated. And things go down the wayside there. 

Now, the other point that you brought up, was a guy thinking, “Oh, well, she won’t divorce me.” I literally heard this. So I’m at a function, I got to be careful what I say. I’m at a function, I’ll say that. And there’s a guy there who’s had a few beverages, and he’s batting out of his league, let’s just say that. And he knows it. And he even brings it up in front of everybody else, which was an awkward thing. But he’s like, “Yeah, you know, my wife should divorce me, but she won’t divorce me because she’s too religious. She doesn’t believe in it, so I’m kind of lucky.” 

And then he pours himself another cocktail and sits back and you’re kind of like, “Dude, that’s not the point. The point is like, what are you going to do?” Like, how are you going to make her… We talked about happy wife, happy life, but your wife’s not happy, man. And you know she would leave in a heartbeat if it wasn’t for her external religious belief. What if that changes? What if she starts justifying, or you know, people change their belief systems over time? It does happen. 

So what happens then? Where are you going to be left rather than taking action? Joining something like The Activation Method or doing some changes for your life, your health, you know, whatever else it may be for them. And so for this guy’s wife, I would imagine, you know, she’s going to go, okay. I’m going to make it through the next holiday season. If he gets too drunk, or he’s dis– the same old things happen, and maybe he slips further down the road. 

You know, after Christmas is done and the presents are thrown away and New Year’s coming in, she’s going to make that phone call, right? She’s going to call her friend, her friend’s going to say, talk to Larry, the divorce attorney or whoever. And she’s going to go down there. And Larry knows it’s divorce day, so he’s got templates of paperwork ready for the floods of women who are going to come into his office.

Tim Matthews  08:58

And you made a really good point, they ignore the warning shots. 

Doug Holt  09:02

They always ignore it. 

Tim Holt  09:03

So, let’s just clarify some of those warning shows, right, because hopefully, by the time this comes out, if we label some of these, identify some of them, the guys listening might be able to go, “Oh, crap. I’ve got five of those. I’m going to change some of them before it’s too late.” And sometimes it can be easy to miss them. So let’s make it very clear on what some of these warning shots are.

Arthur Magoulianiti  09:26

Yeah, I think one, for sure, is that she’s not complaining anymore, that she’s gone quiet. Yeah. 

Doug Holt  09:33

That’s dangerous. 

Arthur Magoulianiti  09:34

Yeah. A lot of guys think, oh, she’s always complaining, all of this. Well, she still cares. She’s still trying to sort things out. But if she’s gone quiet, then you need to panic.

Tim Matthews  09:43

Yeah, two is if you have a sexless marriage. Right. 

Doug Holt  09:47

Here’s the thing guys, women are more sexually charged, I think, than men are, at least equal. And so if you’re having a sexless marriage, you — that’s a problem. She’s not happy, you’re not happy. The only thing that makes you different than her brother is the fact that you’re intimate with her. Hopefully she’s not with her brother. Right. So that’s the only difference that comes through.

Arthur Magoulianiti  10:10

What else? 

Doug Holt  10:12

We have guys from Cyprus that listen to this. I’m sure.

Arthur Magoulianiti  10:18

Yeah. What’s another sign?

Tim Matthews  10:23

[inaudible] the phone a lot? Right? 

Doug Holt  10:25

Distraction.

Tim Matthews  10:27

Yeah, she’s not [crosstalk] disengaged. Yeah. So you may be trying to connect and she’s just on an evening on her phone — [crosstalk] 

Doug Holt  10:33

Yeah, that’s a good one. 

Doug Holt  10:34

—  on her phone scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. Or you guys are going to bed at separate times. So you come in, you’re having dinner with the family. Maybe she’s made dinner and left in the oven for you, maybe not, you got to make it yourself. But either way, you’re in separate rooms, she’s gone to bed, you stay up separate times, maybe even separate beds.

Arthur Magoulianiti  10:53

Another good one is if she’s suddenly started working out. 

Doug Holt 10:58

I was just going to say that one. 

Arthur Magoulianiti  10:58

If she’s changed her routine, she’s starting to do stuff that makes her look better, then — [crosstalk]

Doug Holt  11:04

And you’re not having sex. 

Arthur Magoulianiti  11:05

— and you’re not having sex, then you know, it’s probably not for you.

Doug Holt  11:08

It’s not for you. I can almost guarantee it, it’s for somebody else that she’s fantasizing with. Excuse me, and more likely talking to. 

Arthur Magoulianiti  11:15

Yeah.

Tim Matthews  11:16

Yes. 

Doug Holt  11:17

What other warning signs?

Tim Matthews  11:20

You are spending more time at work instead of going home on an evening, you’re finding excuses and reasons to work late, even though you’d know you’re not getting more done. But you’re finding excuses to avoid going home. That’s a big one.

Arthur Magoulianiti  11:34

Yeah. Or she does. [crosstalk]

Tim Matthews  11:37

Yeah, she does, whichever. Yeah.

Doug Holt  11:38

Here’s a warning sign that doesn’t sound like a warning sign but somehow guys miss it. She’s telling you she’s not happy and things aren’t working. 

Tim Matthews  11:48

I mean, how obvious.

Doug Holt  11:50

The guys… It’s so obvious. But we hear this all the time for the guys and they think it’s just a complaint and they don’t realize the severity of it. 

Tim Matthews  11:56

It’s because they don’t kick up a fuss, right? It’s just said and usually, if it isn’t in the heat of an argument, it’s said in quite a calm way, they’re not going to drive it home — they may do for a little bit, but not going to continue to drive home for months. Well, in fact, if it’s said out loud has been complaints usually for years with a lot of the guys, right. But to your point, Doug, yeah, it’s very explicit as to hey, I’m not happy, this isn’t working. Because the guy’s maybe buried his head in his phone or distracted or whatever, he just brushes it off and doesn’t even pay attention to it.

Doug Holt  12:31

Yeah, I think the changes in habits, so working out, perhaps picking up a different job, a new job, a new friend group, starts hanging out with… One that I’ve seen happen a lot is women will start hanging out with divorced women, right. That’ll happen a lot where they’ll leave their married friend groups, they won’t associate with them as much. And you’ll start noticing that she’s going out with more women who are divorced, who are single. 

So shopping for new clothes, you kind of did this blanket thing of women looking better and taking better care of themselves. If all of a sudden you guys are disconnected and she’s walking around the house singing and dancing, it’s not for you. It’s for whoever she’s chatting with on her phone or anybody else that she’s thinking about. These are all warning signs that men just don’t pick up on. 

And I think besides the warning signs, the way you avoid divorce day is you got to put in some serious work quickly, work on your relationship. Your wife needs to know you care, she needs to feel seen, heard and desired. And that’s why we have a thing that we teach the guys called the Triad of Connection. The Triad of Connection has three components. We have a bunch of podcasts about it, you guys can listen to if you’re not familiar with what it is. But you need to get on that ship and right it. You cannot survive on hopium, right. You can’t be injecting hopium into your body, where you’re just hoping things get better. Let’s sweep it under the rug, it’ll get better. 

Hey, I’ll buy the lake house, another common thing guys do. They’ll buy her a new car, buy a lake house because that’ll make it better. They’ll do this, that or the other, let’s go on this expensive trip or I’ll buy her gifts. And it might work for a week or so. You know, that new car smell wears off pretty friggin’ quick. And then next thing you know, the guy’s working more to try to make this work. 

And you know, unfortunately, we hear this a lot where he’s spending all the money on her and she hasn’t left him yet, but she’s seen somebody else on the side and he just becomes a paycheck.

Tim Matthews  14:26

Big time. Big time. A thing from the Triad of Connection as well, the Clean Slate Letter, such a big piece of it where the guy is able to take ownership. He sees what’s going on. He takes ownership for his part in it and creates a direction. I think that’s one of the key pieces in — Look, there’s only three pieces to the triad connection, hence why it’s a triad. But I think for the wife to get that letter from him is such a jerk in the experience that invariably, it’s often received very well. It breaks the pattern. “Oh, I’m going to sit up and pay attention.” 

So even if some woman is going through divorce and she’s initiated it, and she’s in discussions with the lawyer, I, whoever it may be, oftentimes when she receives that letter, it puts a pause to those things. It buys time. Obviously, the guy’s got to be consistent and authentic with what he’s saying, and his actions must align to what the letter says. But with the guys we work with, lucky enough, [inaudible 00:15:29] and he does. 

But that whole idea of, hey, I’m going to take… I realize what’s going on. I acknowledge how you must feel in this and how I’ve made you feel. I understand where it’s come from within me, and here’s what I am doing to change it, and here’s where I want to go moving forwards.

Arthur Magoulianiti  15:50

Yeah. Because in that letter, you actually see her and that’s what she’s been begging for all of this time.

Doug Holt  15:57

Yeah. I was also going to say actions speak louder than words. Right? There’s so many times that men make false promises, right? I mean, how many times do guys say they’re going to start working out only not to do it? They tell their wife all the things they’re going to do. She’s tired of hearing all the bullshit. She knows that you have these hopes and dreams and that’s not happening. 

And so what I always find interesting is men that sign up for The Activation Method, things turn around really quickly, for a lot of the guys, not all of them. But for a lot of the guys because the wife’s like, “Okay, he’s actually taking action. He’s showing up to these coaching sessions. He’s trying new things.” And they will test, the women will test as they should. But actions speak louder than words. And that’s why some of these guys turn around their marriages in the first week is because all of a sudden their wife’s like, “Oh, he’s taking it seriously now. I feel seen, I feel heard, and I feel desired because he’s working on this.”

Tim Matthews  16:52

And he doesn’t make a big deal of it. 

Doug Holt  16:54

Nope. 

Tim Matthews  16:56

He plays it down, doesn’t even mention anything, and just does it quietly for him because he knows he needs to change. And that’s where it makes a big impact versus making a big hurrah of it, and then the words are louder than the actions and that just makes it worse.

Arthur Magoulianiti  17:12

It all feeds into this expression where people say I gave him or I gave her everything, except what she needed. And a lot of guys get caught up and say, “Well, I’ll bring all this money. I’ve created this lifestyle. She has everything she needs.” Actually, no. She hasn’t got you. She hasn’t got that connection that she really wants over and above everything else. And so yeah, you got to give her what she needs.

Tim Matthews  17:36

And that’s a lie that guys tell themselves. 

Doug Holt  17:40

100%.

Tim Matthews  17:40

I’m doing this for us. 

Arthur Magoulianiti  17:41

Oh, yeah. 

Tim Matthews  17:42

You’re no, like you’re not. Like let’s be real. You’re doing it for you, because you love to build businesses. You love the challenge, you love the creativity. So just be real with the fact you’re doing it for you, and you get a hell of a lot out of it. And then find a way to give her what she needs while you’re getting what you need in the business. 

Arthur Magoulianiti  18:00

Exactly. 

Doug Holt  18:01

Well, I’ve been accused of that. 

Tim Matthews  18:03

Oh, big time. Me too. Yeah.

Doug Holt  18:04

Yeah. No doubt about it. So gentlemen, when you’re looking at — staring down the barrel of divorce day, like the day where most marriage… Don’t be a statistic, don’t be one of the guys that we get a phone call for when it’s too late. What I’m going to say is call now, like basically call now. Sounds like an infomercial. “Call now.” But get on a call with one of our advisors. 

I mean, our phones blow up and our calendars fill up in mid-January because it’s men who’ve been served divorce papers, and they’re trying to peel it back, because they know men who’ve been through our program have been able to reconcile with their wife post-divorce or before the divorce actually gets finalized. And yes, that’s true. It doesn’t work for everybody, for sure, because that’s almost too late. 

By that time, the woman’s like, “Look, I gave you every chance in the world.” So you want to stop that as soon as possible. And if you don’t get involved in The Activation Method for relationships, although it’s helped thousands of men, do something else. Do another program, right? Maybe this one isn’t for you, right? Our program’s designed for businessmen. 

If you want a program, I think there’s a program out there where guys box each other or something, if that works for you do it. That’s not our style. It’s not what we do. We don’t define a powerful man as someone who beats the crap out of other men just to say they are powerful man, that’s not us. We’re a group of great guys who are doing this, the work for our family, for ourselves, and we’re business leaders. So if that resonates with you, then I would recommend getting on a call with one of our advisors. But whatever you do, do something. Don’t leave it until it’s too late. That’s the key here.

Arthur Magoulianiti  19:38

Yeah, don’t live in the land of gray is what I’d like to say. You know, if you don’t have the relationship you want, you know. Stop lying to yourself, stop living in the land of gray. It’s not going to get better without some work. So start doing the work and start doing it today.

Doug Holt  19:55

Yeah. Absolutely. Well, gentlemen, as we always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. Until next time, have an amazing week. We’re in your corner, and we’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.