Emotional Safety: The Key to a Thriving Marriage

Episode #1186

Many married businessmen view their role as provider and protector through a purely physical lens. They work long hours, secure the family financially, and stand ready to defend their home against physical threats. Yet, many husbands are shocked when their wives tell them they do not feel safe in the relationship. To a man, this statement sounds illogical because there is no tangible physical danger. However, emotional safety, not physical protection, is the foundational requirement for a woman to relax her nervous system, drop her defensiveness, and fully step into her femininity and sexuality.

In this conversation, Doug Holt and his wife Erin unpack the concept of emotional safety and explain how a husband's internal state directly impacts his marriage. When a man experiences stress from business and family responsibilities, he often loses his grounded core. He may display volatile moods, act out of integrity by wearing different masks around different people, or become needy and dependent on his wife to boost his mood. When a husband fluctuates between being fun, moody, angry, or passive, his wife experiences him as volatile and unpredictable. To protect herself, she retreats emotionally, holds back her inner world, and loses her sexual desire.

Rebuilding emotional safety requires a man to manage his own internal world and lead himself with conviction. Rather than using his wife as a therapist or dumping his daily work frustrations onto her, a husband must cultivate a grounded masculine presence and build a reliable network of men for support. This begins with learning to hold space for the woman in your life by listening without attempting to fix or judge her. Furthermore, taking off the mask of inconsistency and standing firm in authentic values shows a wife that her husband is steady and dependable. When a man honors his values, stays decisive, and handles daily household responsibilities independently, he lightens his wife's invisible mental load. Creating a dependable container allows a wife to trust her husband, share her deepest vulnerabilities, and access effortless intimacy.

Timestamp Chapters

00:00 - Introduction: The Missed Assignment of Protection
01:08 - The Foundation of Emotional Safety in Marriage
02:35 - Physical Protection vs. Protecting Her Emotional World
03:54 - How Emotional Volatility and Mood Swings Erode Safety
05:01 - What Happens When a Woman Feels Fully Safe
06:15 - Surface Relationships and the Search for Emotional Connection
07:13 - How Emotional Safety Directly Drives Sexual Intimacy
09:52 - Real-World Examples of What Breaks Emotional Safety
11:01 - Why Having a Backbone and Strong Values Is Attractive
11:58 - Decisiveness, Taking Action, and Standing Your Ground
14:00 - The Danger of Neediness and Codependency in Men
15:56 - Dumping Work Problems vs. Processing Emotions Like an Adult
17:02 - The Invisible Load of Running a Household
19:13 - Eliminating Covert Contracts and Owning Specific Domains
20:30 - How Your Energetic Frequency Shapes Your Household
22:30 - Getting Honest Feedback from Trusted Men
25:38 - The Intruder Analogy: Taking Massive Action to Protect Your Family
26:15 - Closing Remarks and Contacting TPM

RELATED EPISODES

•  The Top 3 Ways to Create Emotional Safety for Your Wife 
•  Unlocking True Intimacy: Why Her Trust and Safety Are the Keys 
•  Beyond the Material: Making Your Woman Feel Seen, Heard, and Desired 
•  A Woman’s Take—Why Neediness Is Such a Turn-Off 

Frequently Asked Questions

What does emotional safety mean to a woman in a marriage?

Emotional safety means a woman feels secure enough to share her full range of emotions, vulnerabilities, and desires without fear of being judged, mocked, manipulated, or criticized. It requires a husband who maintains a calm, grounded presence and takes total responsibility for managing his own emotional state.

Why does a lack of emotional safety ruin a couple's sex life?

When a woman does not feel emotionally safe, her nervous system remains in a state of tension and defense. Because female sexuality is closely linked to trust and emotional relaxation, an unpredictable or emotionally needy husband causes a wife to retreat, making physical intimacy feel transactional or distant.

How does a husband's emotional neediness destroy his wife's trust?

When a husband relies on his wife to constantly validate him, boost his self-esteem, or act as his therapist, he shifts into a codependent dynamic. Wives find this needy energy draining because it forces them into a maternal role rather than a romantic partnership, proving he cannot lead himself or the household.

How can a man start rebuilding emotional safety today?

A man can rebuild safety by becoming consistent, decisive, and grounded. He must stop using his wife as an emotional dumping ground, honor his commitments without needing reminders, handle specific household domains independently, and seek accountability from a trusted group of men.

Transcription

Doug Holt 0:00
You telling me that you didn't feel safe.

Erin Holt 0:02
When a woman feels like not emotionally safe, is that what you want me to answer?

Doug Holt 0:06
It's a foreign idea.

Erin Holt 0:08
Woman, we want your attention and your interest in us genuinely.

Doug Holt 0:12
When a woman feels safe, what does that give her or give the relationship?

Erin Holt 0:18
When that's lacking, that is like almost part of us dies.

Doug Holt 0:21
He thinks he's sharing, but he's just complaining about all of his work.

Erin Holt 0:25
You can't lead yourself well. You for sure can't lead us.

Doug Holt 0:39
Every man has a deep desire to be the protector of their family, but what if I told you that most women, your wife, doesn't feel safe? I know a lot of guys hear that and they don't understand what it means. And today, that's exactly what we're going to cover. Babe, thanks again for being here and sticking around.

Erin Holt 0:56
Absolutely, I love being here.

Doug Holt 0:57
I enjoyed the last conversation. Again, I know you've taught me a lot. We talked about menstrual cycles, which is not what we're talking about now. But I also learned a lot more, so I appreciate it.

Erin Holt 1:07
Great.

Doug Holt 1:08
So back in our darkest times, I remember you telling me that you didn't feel safe, and it shocked me because I thought, "How could you say that you're completely safe? This makes no sense to me," and that's when I first started to learn about the concept that is extremely important for women. I would call it the foundation, which is emotional safety. Tell me a little bit more.

Erin Holt 1:35
Such a big talk, that topic, and also one I get asked about a ton inside a TPM, and I'm happy to talk about because it, it literally can change your relationship from, like, we were in a very dark place and challenging, and not bringing out the best in each other, to going from no emotional safety or very little to growing, regrowing that, and having that in a relationship.

And now it's like I can't imagine going back there again. Like, we're stable, we're fun. It's like, you know, it's incredible. So when a woman feels like not emotionally safe, is that what you want me to answer?

Doug Holt 2:11
Like, what is emotional safety? Like, I, I, I didn't know what you meant. Like, you know, like emotional safety. It, it's a, it was a foreign concept to me, and I'm, I'm gonna guess most men. It's a foreign idea.

Erin Holt 2:26
Okay, so think about men. Most are driven to be, like, a provider and protector. Protector, you guys mostly think about physically, right?

Doug Holt 2:34
100%.

Erin Holt 2:35
So also being really aware and a great partner and an active partnership is, like, protecting her emotional world as well, and you being a space that is safe for her to go to in all her range of her femininity.

Because if we're truly in our feminine, we have quite a range if we feel safe, where it's like we can come to you and be a complete mess and slobbering and crying about this really hard situation in a friendship, and we know that you're going to be there to listen and hold us and hold space for us and not try and fix us unless we ask for a solution, and just let it get it out of us and process it so that we can then look at it from a higher perspective and a, you know, a more, an energy of not in the mess of it, and that you're not going to make fun of us or hold it against us or manipulate us or make us feel stupid or all the things that can happen.

And, and it's also you being the man fully responsible for your energetic world, knowing that, like, you are responsible for how you show up, and if, like, if you're consistently chaotic and unstable, and, like, one day you're super fun and funny, and the next day you're super moody and victimy, and the next day you're, like, an angry beast, and then the next day you're fun again, and it's like, oh my gosh, we never knew who we were. We're not safe.

I don't know how to act, so I'm just gonna retreat and kind of pull in because I don't feel safe because you are feels really volatile, and you're not taking responsibility for managing your, your emotional world inside of our marriage or partnership.

Doug Holt 4:15
And so in TPM, what we talk about is that being grounded, right? Grounded in your natural masculine core coming through, and that's what we teach the men to do. We call it becoming activated a lot, right? Getting reactivated because guys just get, guys just, you know, in their marriage and then kids and business, and they hit their 30s, 40s, 50s.

Erin Holt 4:35
A lot of responsibility.

Doug Holt 4:36
They get thrown off kilter, right? And then the marriage isn't working out, so they lose that grounded state, and when they lose that, what you're saying is it's harder for a woman to be in her femininity, and she doesn't feel safe around that guy emotionally.

Erin Holt 4:52
Very much so.

Doug Holt 4:54
Perfect. When a woman feels safe, what does that give her, or? The relationship.

Erin Holt 5:01
You most likely will be getting the best versions of her, and also part of that is her feeling safe. She will share with you her deepest self, or share with you her insecurities, and come to you knowing you, you are her person that she can trust and lean into, and have that ugly cry about something that in a few weeks from now that she might process through and just be like, "Thank you so much for helping me process through that," and, like, just, you know, be able to rise above it or have the conversation that she needs and know that you have her back.

I mean, we all want somebody who can hold all of us, especially the feminine, and can be our rock and that we can count on to, to be there for us.

Doug Holt 5:44
Dependable. Every man wants to be dependable, and a lot of guys are dependable in the work environment, or dependable when a friend calls and asks for a helping hand. But this is a very different kind of dependable you're describing.

Erin Holt 5:57
It's the unseen world.

Doug Holt 5:58
It's the unseen world. It's holding the container in the space, and what guys probably don't realize is that if they're not providing this, then there's a good chance their wives, sexually or unsexual, are going to find it someplace else.

Erin Holt 6:15
I don't think many women start there with that intention, but it for sure can leave a gap where it can be really lonely when you feel like you're very unsafe in your relationship and can't share or go to your partner and process or really share your inner world, what's going on. It gets really surface, and we—I mean, we all crave to be seen, right? Men and women, but especially women, we want your attention and your interest in us genuinely, and when that's lacking, that is, like, almost part of us dies.

Doug Holt 6:46
What are the odds that a couple, the woman doesn't feel emotionally safe, and she may not be saying it that way? Though I hear that much more. I think women are getting more in tune with that languaging or communicating it more because I hear it often when I talk to guys, like, "My wife said she didn't feel safe too," right? What are the odds for a guy to have ravishingly hot sex with his wife if she doesn't feel safe?

Erin Holt 7:13
Most of the times, not great. I mean, you can still, it still can happen. I mean, it used to happen some for us too, but it was fewer and farther between, and it was just not as pleasurable or connected or taking us to another energetic space. It was more meh.

Doug Holt 7:34
I guess I'm thinking from a guy's point of view for the, for the men, kind of not a, not that guys are approaching it from this place, but what's in it for me? Type.

Erin Holt 7:44
Huge impact.

Doug Holt 7:44
Huge impact, right? And so we, a lot of guys do TPM. We provide them with a yes, no, maybe sheet. I know you're familiar with it, but for those listening, it's a list of about, I don't know, 30, 40 intimacy acts, and they, from PG to double X rated, and then the idea is both people fill it out. Yes, it could be blow job. Yes, no, maybe that, that they're in for it. And if your wife is feeling really emotionally safe, she can fill that out and let you know really what she's game for, whereas if she's not, you're gonna get not much back.

Erin Holt 8:26
And part, well, a huge part of that is it's like there's a trust there, there's a safety there, there's a foundation there, and with that, she's able to let her nervous system relax. She's out of tension and constant defensiveness because she has those, that safety place to land with you, so then she then is able to access her sexuality and sensuality with ease around you.

Doug Holt 8:49
Yep.

Erin Holt 8:50
And that's a fun place to be for both of you.

Doug Holt 8:53
100%.

Erin Holt 8:53
And it doesn't mean that, you know. I know, like, sex, having sex is super important for relationships, super important for the men and the women. They're on the same plane. Emotional, like, safety and sexual pleasure, and having a lot of it, and pleasurable sex is on the same playing field. It's not in competition; they feed each other.

Doug Holt 9:12
So again, I'm just, I'm bringing this home for men. Like, you need, you, they want their wives to feel emotionally safe, and there might be in a difficult time and place within the relationship. So before you can really have those difficult conversations, those deep conversations, she needs to feel safe, and she's also battling what society's put on her, right?

So if her upbringing and her narrative is, "Well, if I tell him I'm willing to do this in the bedroom, what is he going to think of me? How is he going to judge me?" All of these things, and if she doesn't feel safe, she's not going to share it. But if she feels safe in that relationship, she may share that, "Hey, I've got some, some deep seated desires that I haven't been able to communicate to you. And some wants and needs as well."

Awesome. So, what breaks emotional safety? Give me some real world examples for the men.

Erin Holt 10:12
I mean, obviously the big ones. Like, I'm not even going to hit on those, like infidelity, all that stuff. If you're in a committed relationship, but it, like I said, it kind of, it's like the things over time where it's like, you're not reliable who you're gonna be if, or if you're out of integrity.

It's like if, like, Doug's out in the world and we did go through experiences where you're like, you're incredible and you're friendly and you're reliable and you're a really good, like, really great to the clients and really good friend, and then, but then would come home, and you are moody and just totally checked out and absent.

Doug Holt 10:45
Me?

Erin Holt 10:46
And actually act like he could, like, care less about me, but, like, want, but at the same time wanted me to, like, want you. We, and I had my own stuff going on, trust me. But I'm just saying, like...

Doug Holt 10:56
This is during our dark time.

Erin Holt 10:58
Dark, dark time and, years ago. I mean, that was incredibly unsettling and unsafe because it was like you were out of integrity. You were different people all over the place, and I was too. Like, we had our own thing.

That is, and, like, if you're also, a thing that's really attractive in men is, like, if you have a backbone, like, you honor yourself, you honor your values. But if you're like, if you don't have a backbone, or if you're just like, "Whatever, Jerry's doing it, so I'm gonna do it," even though I'm like, "Meh, I don't really align with it." But it's just, we see you wavering and not owning who you are, what your true values are, and having that, like, steadiness of, like, "No, that's not who I am. I don't stand for that. I'm not doing that." Or, like, "Yes, this is something that I value. I'm going to make this a priority in my life."

Like, that's attractive, but when you're just wishy-washy, like, that's, we can't rely on you. It's not safe. And if, like, you can't run and run yourself, like, you can't lead us. If you can't lead yourself, you can't lead us.

Doug Holt 11:57
This is why, and this is one of my favorite stories for a variety of reasons, but we hear this so often: is guys will be interested in joining The Activation Method, which is our flagship program on how to save your marriage for, for businessmen, and their wife will be, the wife will say, "No, you're not joining that. You're not spending money on a program or coaching and spending time."

And guys will get decisive, and they'll go, "Yes, I am," and they'll do it, and I hear this all the time. And their wife goes, "That was so sexy." And so it's because the guy's, one, he's being decisive, two, he's standing up for what he believes is right and doing—

Erin Holt 12:32
And it's something positive.

Doug Holt 12:35
It just, it's just so interesting, and for a man, it's almost counterintuitive that that would happen. Like, you know, because I was in the house with one of the, one of the women. I was asking her a question about, like, her husband joining, and she was like, "Well, I know exactly where he was. I was on the stairs. He was walking, saying he was going to join the company," and she didn't like the name. She didn't like anything about it. They were in a dark place.

She's like, "No, you're not." And he goes, "I'm doing this, and I'm doing this for me, and I'm doing this for you and our family." And he walked away, and she goes, "I was so sexy."

Erin Holt 13:10
Yep. He had a backbone.

Doug Holt 13:12
He had a backbone. And we talk to guys, you know, because they'll get on a call with one of our advisors, and they'll say, "I can't do the program," or, and what I'm trying to break through to them is, it's probably not the real reason, right?

And by having, being decisive, not having one foot on the dock and one foot on the boat as the boat starts to leave, and so many people are on the fence, and just need a gentle push, and that gentle push could provide emotional safety in itself and attraction, which is a great thing.

Okay, other, so we talked about being out of integrity, being different around the world, right? Like showing, we call it masks, right? Being different in different places. With doing your, your Alpha Rise and Shine, doing the things for yourself to fill your own cup.

Erin Holt 14:00
That's the other thing I was gonna say is, like, and again, it's like women do this too. But, like, what can feel unsafe for us, or does feel unsafe for us? There's, like, this needy energy from our partner where it's like codependency. Like, "I need you to do this to make me feel better," and it's like you—

Doug Holt 14:14
I want to buy you a gift. Look, if your marriage is struggling, and let's be real, every marriage struggles at some point, but yours is struggling, where you've lost that love, admiration, respect. I want to help you. I want to buy you a copy of the book that I wrote, A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

In here, I've distilled over eight years of programs that we've developed at TPM to help men just like you save their marriages without talking about it. There's no fluff, no BS. It's an action plan that you can start using today to actually save your marriage and bring that love and respect back into your family, back into your house. You deserve it.

Look, all I ask is you pay the postage, you pay the shipping. I'll buy the book for you. That way, you can take massive action today. Click the link or find it in the bio and get your copy now.

Erin Holt 15:07
Sometimes it's not even, well, most of the time, it's not even language. It's like we can feel you needing us to fill you up because you're not taking responsibility to do the habits or things that Doug just said to, like, be responsible for filling up your own cup, and it's like you almost need us to constantly boost you, and complement you, and validate you, and do all the things.

And it's like, it's like this gross place for us to be. It's not attractive, and we don't feel safe because it's like, again, you can't lead yourself well. You for sure can't lead us.

Doug Holt 15:36
100%. It makes complete. I mean, now it all makes complete sense to me. I mean, I've been coaching for 10 years now. So, with that in mind, let's go over a couple other things that can fall out of alignment for, for the men and for the women.

So, another one you said, being needy, and needy can look in different ways. And one of the ways neediness can look like is if he comes to you and just vomits all of his problems or his work. Like, he thinks he's sharing, but he's just complaining about all of his work. Right?

I recently had a guy tell me, like, his wife just said, "Stop, go tell all that stuff to your men's group. You know, like, let's talk about something else."

Erin Holt 16:19
Like, have a place where you can go, like TPM or whatever support system, where you can go and, and do that, and then, yes, share with your partner and wife, but from a place of, like, "This is something I am working through and facing, and I'm, you know, potentially exploring this solution or this," and it's like, yes, share your worldhood, but, like, don't dump on her and expect her to be your therapist.

Doug Holt 16:44
Yes, because that's what I was going to say. Is when men do this, they become another child in the house that she has to take care of. So it's a burden, and there's nothing sexy about that. Ain't no freaky time going on. That happens.

Okay, great. Anything? What are, what are some other things that?

Erin Holt 17:02
I know this is a big hot topic, and I want to just, like, I know every couple is dynamic different, and every couple goes through different seasons. But it's like, and I also know that this has become buzzwords around it, and there is a reason. But, like, the immense amount of invisible load of running a household and a family, a lot of times can, not all the time, I'm just like, can fall on the women from generational patterns, from cultural inputs, and however your house is set up, as long as it feels good for both of you, absolutely wonderful.

If it's not feeling good for both of you, then you need to have a conversation about how to conquer and divide these everyday things in life that are absolutely required to run your, run any household or any family, just like a business. If you stop doing the things, your business will fail.

And when it all falls on one person, like, if Doug was counting on, as we do, Colton to run our podcasts and produce them, do all the things, and if he just, like, constantly with never hitting record, that would be quite frustrating because we couldn't count on him.

So if, like, you're the man and constantly just like, "Oh, tell me how to help you," like, you're also keeping her in constantly managing you mode instead of being like, "I can rely on my man. He's 100% responsible for trash. I don't have to think about it, look at it. I know if he sees that it's full, he's gonna take it out. He's going to put it where it needs to go. He's going to put a new trash back in."

Like, I, that's fully off of my plate. I don't have to constantly use parts of my brain to manage every single little thing I'm using the house because it's a super common thing I hear from all of my clients, and I know you hear it too.

And so, just really figuring out, it's two mature adults who want a thriving marriage and sex life that feels good for both of you, and run your house that feels good for both of you. Is it hiring help? Is it being like, "Okay, these are three things that I'm going to take over."

I mean, I don't know anybody that really wants to do trash, but guess what? It gets to get done, and it's like figure out a way where it's like, what are you 100% responsible for, and the other partner isn't, both, like, all of you guys, so that there's domains, and when that is handled, it frees up everybody's brain space and energy for more fun things and better connection and just life to go enjoy it.

Doug Holt 19:13
Agree. I think what happens, though, a lot is these covert contracts get built, so fake agreements. Like, you, like, I, I can assume because when I grew up, my mom took out the trash, that you're going to take it out, and you could assume that I should take out the trash because your dad took out the trash, and people don't sit down and have those conversations or those agreements, and there's a loving way to do it.

And so when those turn into disagreements or arguments, and people snapping, that's also a way to put a void with emotional security, right? Emotional safety. So let's flip the script on this a minute. Obviously, we can take all of those things that erode emotional safety and just turn them around and say, "Hey, being consistent, being grounded." Having a place to quote dump or share things that you would normally, you were putting on your wife to make her your therapist, right? Having a coaching environment or a trusted environment of men to go share with, being, being stable and being in integrity with yourself, being decisive, those are all things that can supply emotional security.

It's, what are other? Are there any other quick little hits that we can give the guys that are easy things for them to do?

Erin Holt 20:30
I mean, everything is energy, and I was like, I don't think people realize it as much. But, like, think about if you are around somebody where you just feel better being around them, and you're like, "I don't know why, I just feel better when I'm around them." Or if you're around somebody, you're like, "Ooh, I don't. Every time, like, I'm around them, I don't want to be." Or I see their name, and I'm like, "Ooh, I'm gonna avoid that phone call." That is energy.

Okay. It's like, are they showing up as a victim and constantly complaining, or are you around somebody that is, like, in a higher frequency of energy because they are responsible for themselves and their life and their choices, and have habits that support them being in the best version of themselves more often than not. Your energy is going to, your internal world will produce your external world.

So it's like if your energy is, frequency is vibrating at higher more often than not, you're extremely attractive and safe. And if you are in a low, dumpy place a lot more often than not, that is not attractive or safe.

Doug Holt 21:25
100%. So men are good. The guys listening to this are doers, not beers. What I mean by energy wise, the guys in our program have been taught this. So here is what they could, guys. You can do. I am looking at you. Why I tell them this.

So what guys can do, and I did this with our Inner Circle group yesterday when I was leading it. So, what you could do, guys, is get with a group of trusted men that are around you, and for those that know, our Inner Circle group is one of our higher level mastermind groups. These guys get amazing men, and ask them how you show up to them, and you can get some really, and do it. Be around men who are lovingly going to be honest, and you can get some really interesting feedback.

One of the guys told another guy, "Goes, you know what? Honestly, you intimidate me." Two, two guys told one guy, "You intimidate me, and you look like you have resting bitch face." And of course there's laughter, and, you know, but he, that's something for him to look at that he wasn't aware. Like, okay, if I'm intimidating these grown men who are powerful business leaders, am I intimidating my kids? Am I intimidating my wife? Am I intimidating my staff?

My, he didn't mean to be. He, he just had resting, resting face, and what was interesting is his. I know that guy really well, and so he's not like that with me, and that's not his intention at all. He's just, he's so, he cares so much that he can get come across as being intense.

Back to the doing phase for men. Get with a group of guys that's trusted. If you're involved in TPM, easy to do. Go into the app with the community. You know, just post in there that you want to get some feedback. If you're in a, you know, if you're in a group environment or a coaching group environment, or do this with your friends if your friends are close enough. If you're not, just have the remember when friends and ask them.

Well, "Hey, I'm just, be honest with me. How do I show up to you?" Like, and some guys are really surprised. They go, "Wow, you know what? You really show up needy. You have a lot of needy energy, or you have a lot of direct energy." I've been told I have a big personality, or it can be slightly assertive, which shocks me. No, it doesn't shock me at all.

But getting that feedback, you can say, I can go, "Okay, maybe I need to tone it down in this situation. Is, am I getting the outcome I'm desiring? Yes or no." And if the answer is no, then be smart for me to, to make some changes.

Erin Holt 23:55
Right. And also, if the answer is no or not consistently, it's like all of us. Like, if you're in this program or listening to this podcast, you're somebody's into growth. It's like, okay, maybe you're somebody who is assertive and you've used that in your life to get a lot of things you want. But there's a point in your life where you can outgrow yourself and outgrow your patterns.

Be like, "I do this out of default. I do this because it's kind of worked in the past and I can get what I want out of it." But it's like people might not respect it or like it. I'm not saying just you in general, but, like, we all do our own things, and it's like, "Oh, you know what? I've actually, that doesn't even feel good to me anymore."

Doug Holt 24:29
And it's good. Going back to that feedback back, I think it's also important to know that some guys got feedback that teared him up a little bit. No, you have awesome energy. I want to hang out with you. Like, you look like a guy going to go get a beer with, or go play sports, or go do something with. I want to go on an adventure with you.

So it's all over the board. It's just, and how you show up in one place might be different than others, and etc. But you've been on the calls with a lot of the guys, and you can pick up their energy faster than I can, I'm sure, and know right away, like, okay. That household is tough. I feel for the wife. I understand why things are happening the way they're happening. If this is the way you're showing—

Erin Holt 25:09
And, like, on that note, like, with everything being energy and how you show up, as you say, from a very logical standpoint, the more pleasant interactions, pleasing interactions that your wife has with you, compared to unpleasant. If pleasant is higher, the more she is going to find you attractive and want to be intimate with you and share her body with you. Just a, just a fact.

Doug Holt 25:38
Awesome. This is a great conversation. I think emotional safety is so misunderstood. So many men have this question, and so many wives wish their, their man knew. And again, guys want to be that provider, that protector.

And we did a episode, or I did an episode with Coach Andy, and we talked about this. Like, "Hey, you missed the assignment." Right? You missed the assignment. The assignment is provider and protector, but it's not just physical protection, physical providing. It's also emotional safety and providing that within, within your marriage, but also with inside your home.

Erin Holt 26:12
Absolutely.

Doug Holt 26:13
Awesome. Thanks again for being here, babe.

Erin Holt 26:15
Always, of course.

Doug Holt 26:16
Absolutely, gentlemen. In the moment of insight, I always say take massive action, but I'm going to say something different. I'm going to ask you a question. I'm just curious, and I want you to answer this honestly. And if you're a place to drop in comments or whatever, I'd be curious and come with your instinctive answer.

If an intruder broke into your home, would you step in front of them to save your family? Yes or no, and just give your first answer. Don't actually take your time to do this. And if you answered yes, I'm lovingly going to say you're lying.

And the reason I'm saying you're lying is you are the intruder. And I say this to men, and boy, do they get pissed at me all the time. But if you're not taking action, whatever it may be, massive action to change the emotional safety in your house, let alone anything else, then you are the intruder, and you are not protecting your family.

That was a tough lesson for me to learn, and one that caused me to take massive action. And it's one of the reasons I'm here now, trying to help other men and their families do the same.

So, take massive action, protect your family, provide for your family. Just remember which role you're doing, and we'll see you next time on the TPM Show.