Fighting for Family: When Divorce Catches You Off Guard

Episode #1189

When a married businessman is blindsided by divorce or the discovery of infidelity, his natural defense mechanism is often to retreat. Overwhelmed by bruised ego, embarrassment, and deep emotional hurt, many men isolate themselves in a cave of shame and anger. Instead of evaluating their own role in the marital decline, a man in this position can fall into the victim narrative, convincing himself that his situation is uniquely unsalvageable and that running away is his only option. Walking away out of wounded pride rather than genuine resolution, however, can leave him carrying regret and unresolved baggage into his future.

Doug Holt sits down with Christopher Hansen to explore what it means to fight for your family when divorce catches you off guard. Christopher shares the frustration of watching a long-time friend walk away from a marriage and a child after discovering his wife had messaged other men during a difficult season. Drawing from his own 14-year marriage, which weathered drug addiction, trust violations, and infidelity, Christopher reflects on how confronting a shattered male ego forced him to cultivate deeper compassion, rebuild foundational trust, and mature as a husband.

Doug also challenges the victim narrative that can take over during a marriage crisis. Instead of staying stuck in "Why did she do this to me?", a man can examine whether he has genuinely done everything within his control to show up differently. Doug describes his own 30-day reckoning during a difficult period in his marriage, when he realized he had been expecting Erin to change before he would change. That kind of horse-trading turns love into a transaction rather than genuine ownership.

Infidelity can make that work especially difficult because betrayal often becomes tangled with a man's identity and self-worth. Christopher describes learning that his wife's actions were connected to what she was going through internally rather than serving as a measurement of his value as a man. Rebuilding trust took years, but going through that process gave him a deeper understanding of himself, his wife, compassion, and what real trust meant in their marriage. Doug also discusses how intensive work such as The Alpha Reset can help men confront the internal patterns they may otherwise spend years avoiding.

The goal is not to guarantee reconciliation. Doug makes it clear that some marriages may still end. The question is whether a man is choosing his path deliberately or simply running away from pain. If he still loves his wife, doing the work gives him the opportunity to determine what is actually possible before walking away. It also allows him to eventually say, "I did everything I could to save my family," regardless of the final outcome.

Saving a family requires stepping out of isolation and developing the skills needed to lead yourself through emotional fire. The Activation Method gives married businessmen a structured methodology for doing that work, while Clean Conversations provides another TPM resource for addressing unresolved issues rather than allowing them to continue building beneath the surface. Whether the marriage ultimately reconciles or not, the aim is to act from ownership, clarity, and love rather than wounded pride.

Timestamp Chapters

00:00 - Introduction: The Urge to Shake a Friend Awake
01:12 - Blindsided by Divorce: The Friend's Story
02:40 - When Bruised Ego Leads to Running Away
04:12 - The 10-Year Pattern: Why Men Are Surprised by Divorce
05:40 - The Isolation Cave: Guilt, Shame, and Turtling
07:17 - Stop Playing the Victim: Facing the Reality of Uncoupling
09:22 - Doug's Story: The 30-Day Reckoning on the Beach
11:15 - Transactional Love vs. Unconditional Ownership
12:21 - Christopher's Marriage: Rebuilding After Infidelity and Addiction
13:14 - Doug Holt Mid-Roll: A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage
14:15 - Shattering the Fragile Male Ego to Rebuild Real Trust
15:20 - Understanding Her Experience: Escapism and Internal Demons
19:09 - The Core Question: Do You Still Love Her?
20:18 - Fearing Judgment from Family and Friends
22:14 - Fighting for Your Kids and Maintaining Family Leadership
23:38 - Closing Remarks and Taking Massive Action

RELATED EPISODES

•  What to Do When She Doesn’t Want to Be Married Anymore 
•  How to Recover From an Infidelity 
•  When All Else Fails: Navigating Divorce and the Chance for Reconciliation 
•  Calculating Your Losses: What Inaction Really Costs 

Frequently Asked Questions

Why does divorce often catch married men by surprise?

Divorce can catch men by surprise because they may not recognize how long problems have been building. Doug explains that, based on TPM's experience working with married businessmen, wives often have a sense that something is wrong well before their husbands recognize the seriousness of the situation. Men may respond to problems by isolating themselves, working more, or retreating into guilt and shame rather than reaching out for help.

How does male ego prevent a man from saving his marriage after infidelity?

When infidelity occurs, a man may interpret the betrayal as evidence about his own worth or identity. Fear of judgment from friends and family can make reconciliation feel like weakness. Doug and Christopher discuss how these reactions can push a man toward running away before he has worked through what happened or determined whether rebuilding the marriage is possible.

What does it mean to "do everything in your power" to save your family?

It means taking responsibility for what is within your control rather than waiting for your wife to change first. Doug describes wanting a man to be able to eventually lay his head down knowing, "I did everything I could to save my family." That does not guarantee reconciliation, but it allows the decision about the marriage to come from deliberate action rather than avoidance or wounded pride.

Can a marriage truly heal after trust violations or emotional affairs?

Doug and Christopher describe marriages that have rebuilt after serious trust violations, including Christopher's own experience with infidelity and addiction in his marriage. Christopher explains that rebuilding deep trust took years, but the process also produced significant personal growth and a deeper understanding of his wife and himself. The episode does not suggest that every marriage will reconcile, but it presents reconciliation and stronger trust as possible when both people do the necessary work.

Transcription

Christopher Hansen 0:00

A friend of mine that I've known for a very long time is getting a divorce.

Doug Holt 0:04

Oftentimes, it catches a man by surprise.

Christopher Hansen 0:07

It just really bothered me. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Doug Holt 0:10

Thanks for reaching out and doing the work.

Christopher Hansen 0:12

What's happening here?

Doug Holt 0:13

I did everything I could to save my family.

Christopher Hansen 0:16

If the divorce is meant to be, cool.

Doug Holt 0:20

Everything that was going on was her fault.

Christopher Hansen 0:22

Things were tough in the marriage for a while.

Doug Holt 0:25

I can do my absolute best to push it forward.

Christopher Hansen 0:28

It's worth it to do that work.

Doug Holt 0:41

Hey guys, welcome to another episode of the TPM Show. Have you ever had an instance where you just wanted to shake the crap out of someone to get them to realize what's really in front of them? Well, that's what we're going to talk about today. And today, when you're listening to this, I want you to consider that maybe you're that person. Chris, thanks for being here, man.

Christopher Hansen 1:01

Thank you for having me, Doug.

Doug Holt 1:03

I'm not 100% sure what we're talking about, which is great. I always love that. Like I said, don't tell me, but you did mention one. I think your words were, "Shake the shit out of your friend."

Christopher Hansen 1:12

I say this with all the love in my heart, of course, and I'm not going to mention names or anything like that. But I found out that a friend of mine that I've known for a very long time is getting a divorce, and there were a number of reasons why I wanted to shake him.

First off, the process of this started eight months ago, and he never reached out to me. Never heard anything from him. I only found out because I noticed on social media that something seemed off. I reached out to him multiple times, and he finally reached back out, hopped on the phone, and he shared it with me.

That was one piece, which I can understand. As men, it's really hard to reach out in those situations, and that can be very difficult. He told me very briefly what was going on in our first conversation, and it just really bothered me. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

He's got a daughter. He's been married for, I think, six or seven years at this point. I made it a point to reach back out because I wanted to understand more. What's happening here?

I think the part that really frustrated me—he shared with me the details of how things broke down and what happened—and the sense that I got, it makes me emotional thinking about it, and I'll just say it bluntly, is that things were tough in the marriage for a while, and then his ego got bruised, and he bounced. That's the sense that I got.

In our initial conversation, we talked more. There were definitely some things that happened. His wife had messaged some other guys at a difficult point in their marriage, and he found out about it. Then he just said, "I can't deal with that. I've got to go." It makes me sad for him.

Doug Holt 3:38

Well, you care about him.

Christopher Hansen 3:39

Care about him deeply. Care about his wife and their kid. I know that he's struggling. This has been going on for about eight months. I know the last eight months have been very difficult for him. But I just can't help that urge to go, "Fight for this," because I get the sense that you're going to regret this down the road.

Doug Holt 4:12

With TPM, as you're well aware, but for the guys listening, we get thousands of men every month that apply for our programs, specifically one of our flagship programs, which we call The Activation Method. It's an eight-week course for married businessmen going through it.

One of the very common things that our advisors hear when they jump on a call with a guy to figure out what their situation is and what's the next best step for them—and we've been doing this for over 10 years now, so it's not like a small sample size—is the guys are surprised.

There's a couple things. One is, oftentimes, it catches a man by surprise. It doesn't usually catch the woman by surprise. Now, there could be infidelity. That's a different story a little bit. But usually, the woman's got a sense of things. From what we've seen, for about two years or so on average, she's waiting for things to get better. She's waiting for him to step up. I hear that from women all the time.

But as men, when things are going wrong, we go into the cave. We lone WOLF it, as we say at TPM. We go into the cave. First there's guilt, then there's shame, and that turns into anger, and you go down this cycle. But guys just very rarely reach out.

In fact, just yesterday in our private community, I got a guy that reached out to me. It's so funny because guys always start this the same way: "Hey, Doug, I'm sure you hear this all the time, but..." This guy was served divorce papers. His wife had an emotional affair. They came back from it, and he found out it actually was physical. They're sleeping in separate beds, and then they're going to get divorced.

He came into TAM and turned it all around. He just said last night, "We had the best sex in our entire lives. Our kids are doing great. Thank you so much." And it was to the team, not just to me.

The only reason I bring that up is my reply to the guy was, "Thanks for reaching out and doing the work." I know how difficult it can be, especially during that scenario.

Like your friend, I'm not surprised that he didn't turn to you, though knowing you the way I know you, you're probably the first person everybody turns to. But when shame or guilt kick in, and embarrassment, guys turtle. They go into their cave and they hide out in their shell.

There's also, I think, Chris, a sense that guys think, "Well, nobody can help me. This thing happened to me. There's nothing I can do. Nothing anybody else could do. I just need to go through it."

Christopher Hansen 6:50

There was just a closed-off, shut-down... Maybe some marriages are meant to end. At the end of the day, I think we've all seen plenty that just need to end, but I struggle with the idea of not doing anything in your power to fix it.

Doug Holt 7:17

Let me speak to that if I can. Let me speak directly to your friend, if he's listening, or somebody that's in this situation.

You're playing the victim card. You're playing the victim. "Oh, woe is me. My wife did this to me. My wife did that. There's nothing I can do. I'm a victim. I'm gonna leave."

Now, I'm not saying he shouldn't leave. I'm not saying he shouldn't get divorced. I'm not saying that at all. That's not up to me. But I can tell you that your friend probably has one, two, three data points, maybe 20 data points, like people he knows. I have thousands, tens of thousands of data points at this point.

Even the men that I know that go through a divorce—and it's amazing, in the sense that they feel better at the other side of it—will tell you it's the most difficult thing they've ever done.

I mean, this is even when their wife and them are still friends and having dinners and all the things, like the way that you see a happy uncoupling on TV or something. And the guys that go through the horrible divorces, which is the majority of them, or they turn into it that way, regret it even more.

And the men that come to TPM and didn't fight for it, those are the ones with the biggest regrets. Now, they may be on marriage two, or they may be divorced now. They're coming to get the skill sets so they don't do it again, but that's what they regret that they can't take back.

For your friend, what I want him to do—and he might already be there—is just be able to lay his head down at night saying, "I did everything I could to save my family, and it didn't work out," or, "This is the best path for me." Then he can at least—it's still sad—but he can lay his head on the pillow going, "Hey, I did everything I possibly could."

Christopher Hansen 9:06

For sure. That's what I want to see as well. It's the same perspective. It's like, "Hey, if the divorce is meant to be, cool." And also...

Doug Holt 9:22

I think I can speak for myself. When Erin and I were going through our difficult times, we've gone through a couple cycles of that, as I think most couples do, and that was my thing.

I've told this story so many times. We've done over 1,000 episodes, but I realize that some people never heard it. I left, went down to San Diego, and I won't go into the whole story. I talk about it in the book I wrote as well.

But I remember running on the beach. I used to run every day, running on the beach, and obviously Erin needed to change. I was perfect. She needed to change. Everything that was going on was her fault.

I remember asking myself, "Chris, have I been the best husband I could be for 30 days?" Not a long stretch of time. And the answer came back like a reflexive snap: "No." It was a definitive no from my subconscious. Like, whoa.

That's when I knew, wait a minute here. I'm expecting her to do all this work. I'm saying, "Hey, well, when you do this, then I'll do that," and that's horse trading. That's a transaction. It's like when I give you $20, you give me the burrito or whatever. That's transactional. That's not love. That's not real love.

I was being the victim. I was being transactional. I was literally like, "Hey, you know what? When Erin starts giving me blowjobs more, then I'll start taking her on trips, but not before." Just all these things that came through my head. It's embarrassing admitting it, but it's true.

What was more embarrassing is figuring out, "Oh shit, I haven't done the work and stepped up, and actually done all the things for 30 consecutive days."

Even when I went home eventually, and we were trying to reconcile, I still couldn't do it for 30 days initially. I'd snap out of it. "Oh my gosh, I just snapped, and I went through that old pattern again of being a victim, and it's only day 22. Start from day one."

But it was also a reckoning, and I hope for him a reckoning. Coming back from an affair or infidelity has got to be extremely hard, mostly because you feel violated. You lose your trust. And in my experience talking to men, they also make it mean something about their worth, about who they are as a man.

What I want for your friend to realize is who he is as a man is independent of his wife, and most people don't have that.

Christopher Hansen 11:58

For sure. That was the biggest thing. Well, one of the biggest things that I've learned in my marriage. I've dealt with infidelity in my marriage. We've been married for 14 years, I think. Fourteen years. It'll be 15 next year. Dealt with infidelity early in my marriage, drug addiction, all sorts of trust violations.

Doug Holt 12:21

I want to buy you a gift. Look, if your marriage is struggling—and let's be real, every marriage struggles at some point—but yours is struggling where you've lost that love, admiration, respect, I want to help you.

I want to buy you a copy of the book that I wrote, A Man's Guide on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It. In here, I've distilled over eight years of programs that we've developed at TPM to help men just like you save their marriages without talking about it.

There's no fluff, no BS. It's an action plan that you can start using today to actually save your marriage and bring that love and respect back into your family, back into your house. You deserve it.

Look, all I ask is you pay the postage, you pay the shipping. I'll buy the book for you. That way, you can take massive action today. Click the link or find it in the bio and get your copy now.

Christopher Hansen 13:14

On both sides, I'm moving through some shit. You have. And the thing with infidelity for me was exactly what you just said. It shined a light directly on that aspect of myself, that piece of me that, "This thing happened. She did this. What's that say about me? How does that impact my self-worth?"

Getting through that stretch of time with my wife, which took a long time to rebuild trust, especially on core fundamental levels—there's levels to trust and safety—and it took years to get to the place of deep, deep trust.

But it taught me so much about myself. I grew more in that period of life than I think any other period. I learned more about what trust means to me. I learned more about my own ego and how fragile the male ego really can be, how easily it can just be shattered.

I look at it from the lens of, man, being on the other side of it, I would go on that journey 10 out of 10 times. I would recommend to anyone that has the opportunity to go on that journey to go on the journey.

You are going to come out the other side a better person. You are going to have a deeper level of compassion for everyone around you, especially your wife. You are going to understand more about what she was going through in those times, because this isn't just simply, "Hey, my wife decided to..." To me, because I'm a shitbag, or whatever story you're writing in your mind. It's not that.

And if you can develop a relationship with that person based on trust and safety, where she can actually share what her experience was at that time, what she was going through, because it didn't have shit to do with me.

Doug Holt 15:20

One hundred percent. It has nothing to do with you. It's the circumstances.

In fact, a guy just reached out to me. He's been in the program for a long time, and his wife was having serial affairs. He's a very successful businessman, good-looking guy, checks all the boxes, wealthy.

One of the things that he had the hardest time seemingly getting over was the fact that the men his wife was choosing did not check any of those boxes. They weren't particularly attractive. They were poor, or not wealthy. He would talk about them being poor, so I don't really know what their financial status is, but he would go into detail about how crappy they were. They'd lose their jobs. He would just go on and on.

The reason he did that is because he was setting his identity status to that, and his wife going against that identity really crushed him.

Now, fast forward today, best marriage—the best his marriage has ever been. They have reconciled. The kids are great. He's great. But he had to do that learning and find out what was going on for his wife during that time.

Her version of it would be something along the lines of feeling extremely lonely. She was working through her own demons at the time that he wasn't aware of, and these guys provided her a false sense of safety and attention that he wasn't able to provide at that time because he didn't have the skill sets. Nothing against him. It's just skills.

That's what guys don't realize, because what you're talking about, that realization, we teach that in four days at an Alpha Reset. I mean, it's intense. You've been through it. It's not easy, but you can come out of it with a sense of being and realizations really quickly if you've gone through a process.

How did we come up with The Alpha Reset process? Been through hell and back a few times, and a lot of good coaches put it together. We go, "Okay, here's how we can mimic some of this transformational experience."

Christopher Hansen 17:36

For sure. For my wife, in that instance, it was escapism. As we've sorted through and talked about stuff over the years, it was simply she had been through some very difficult things at very young ages, some of which I knew, some of which I didn't.

As we worked through it, she was like, "My relationship with you was real life, and that was so painful to look at for me because of all the things I knew I was going to have to face that were real. This was simply an escape from that."

I get emotional talking about that. She's like, "At the time, I needed that. I needed that escape hatch to be able to know that that was possible because the things I knew I had to deal with were just very heavy."

You know my wife. She's done a massive amount of work on herself over the years and lives in the self-development space and works with people. She's been able to turn her difficulty in life into helping other people, and I've got to witness that entire journey. I've got to support her in that.

That's not a connection that you can fabricate. That's not a connection that you can even have unless you've gone through that fire with somebody. I just want to reiterate: it's worth it to do that work.

Doug Holt 19:09

I agree, and it can be better on the end, I guess, is what both of us are trying to say.

If I was sitting down speaking to your friend, the first question I would ask him is, "Do you still love her?" You can be angry at her. You can resent her. You can have all those emotions, and those are all acceptable, by the way. Do you still love her?

And if he says yes, my response to him, because I get asked this question, Chris, a lot, is, "Then it's worth fighting for." Simple as that.

You can fight for it and still choose to walk away at the end, but if you just walk away, you've given up your personal power and your choice. That's the thing I think a lot of guys miss because they see it as a sign of weakness.

I don't know how you felt, but almost like, "If I go back, then I'm showing weakness."

Christopher Hansen 20:00

For sure.

Doug Holt 20:00

Because no guy thinks, "Well, if my wife cheats on me, it's going to be great."

Christopher Hansen 20:06

Oh yeah. I felt like I was going to be judged by family, by friends. I felt like, internally, an idiot. One hundred percent, all of those things.

Doug Holt 20:18

Yep, and that's what stops guys from taking action. But in their heart of hearts, the reason they're in pain is because they're in love. Their heart is saying, "I'm sad. I'm hurt," and at the same time, it's longing for that other person.

I can just tell your friend, or anybody else in that situation, I have personally seen thousands of men, successful businessmen, come back from this as a better man, a better husband, and a better father, and a more successful businessperson by doing the work it takes to get to that other side.

Running away, choosing to leave is one thing. Running away is a different thing.

In fact, I was talking to a guy in the Inner Circle, which, as you know, is one of our one-year mastermind programs that we do. It's not really a mastermind, but it's a one-year coaching program that's in a group facilitation with events.

I did shadow work with him, and I won't go into the details of Jungian shadow work, but that's what I was doing with this group. He came to the realization that he's been running his whole entire life away to prevent himself from being hurt.

This guy is smart as heck, successful business guy. His Instagram account, I would imagine, would look off the charts, traveling all over the world, doing amazing things. And he goes, "Doug, you know what I'm doing? I'm avoiding. That looks great, but I'm avoiding."

We built a lot on top of that. For your friend, I would want to know: What is he avoiding, not just in the relationship, but inside himself?

Christopher Hansen 22:02

For sure. And this is somebody you can have a relationship with for the rest of your life. You have a kid. You are going to see this person forever.

Doug Holt 22:14

That's the thing I think a lot of guys miss. Guys that come through our program, a lot of them come through to save their marriages, but really, save their families. That idea.

Shoot, who was I talking to yesterday? Can't think of who it was, but he said, "You know what? I'm going to fight for this because, more than anything, I don't want another man raising my child." He's got young kids. "I won't know what happens in that house when I'm not with them. My kid deserves for me to at least try and fight for it, regardless."

Now, if it doesn't work out, nothing I can do. But I can do my absolute best to push it forward.

Christopher Hansen 22:53

For sure, and maintain leadership over the family, regardless of whether you're separated, divorced, whatever.

I mean, my wife and I have talked multiple times about getting an apartment just so somebody has a place to go take a break. You know what I mean? Whatever the dynamic is, that right there of maintaining that level of leadership.

Doug Holt 23:14

And that's leading yourself. You don't have to fit in a box. I love that. Man, kudos to you. You're such a great friend. You're a great friend to me, but also the fact that you care so deeply about a guy you haven't talked to in almost a year, yet just even recounting what he's going through stirs up the emotion in you. That's just how much love you put into the people around you.

I just want to thank you for that, as someone who gets to spend time with you.

Christopher Hansen 23:37

Oh, thanks, Doug.

Doug Holt 23:38

You got it, man.

Gentlemen, as I always say, in a moment of insight, take massive action. And this one is Chris lovingly reaching through the radio, the TV, wherever you're catching us, and shaking you.

Men do not realize until it's too late what's going on inside their houses. We're providers. We go out, we hunt, we work in the business, and we come home. We relax. We think we've done enough, and that's just not the case.

Oftentimes, your wife is leaving signs. She's dying inside for you to show up and show the leadership. And I know most of you don't know how to do that.

I wrote a book. We give it away for free on our website. The book, we'll mail it to you. Just pay shipping, and I literally ship them out of here, so give me some time to do that. We have over 1,000 podcasts. We give it for free.

But if you want a specific methodology on how you can do this, go over to thepowerfulman.com. Check out The Activation Method. There's an application. We're not for everybody. We've been around over 10 years, but this is your first place to start.

Whatever you do, take action and accept Chris's loving shake as he shakes you awake. See you next time on the TPM Show.