Episode #1118
Most men in leadership positions, entrepreneurs, executives, and business owners learned to be hyper-self-reliant at a young age. While this independence is a superpower in business, it often becomes a weakness in marriage. Many men struggle with the guilt of having needs, or worse, they express those needs in a way that feels like begging, which kills attraction and connection.
In this episode, Tim Matthews and Stephen explore the art of expressing needs without sounding needy. They discuss the critical difference between being independent and being interdependent, and why moving from a place of "fullness" is the only way to communicate effectively. When you are grounded and centered in yourself, a "no" from your wife isn't a catastrophe it's an opportunity to get curious.
The conversation also tackles the necessity of expectations. Just as a business requires clear agreements and KPIs to function, a healthy marriage relies on communicated expectations. Learn how to trade covert contracts for clear agreements and how to navigate the "gray area" of communication to build a relationship that compliments your life rather than just trying to complete it.
To learn more about how to transform your marriage and your leadership, visit https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales
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Transcription
Stephen 0:00
You can meet most of your own needs without anybody else.
Tim Matthews 0:04
Personally, I struggle with not having expectations of my wife.
Stephen 0:08
It opens up a conversation where you're able to express the things that you would like to have.
Tim Matthews 0:13
I think one of the first things that guys have to overcome is guilt.
Stephen 0:17
A lot of that comes from being sure and secure in yourself.
Tim Matthews 0:21
And they all struggle with the idea of having needs.
Stephen 0:24
Because you're grounded and centered in yourself. It's also not, “Oh, please, please, please, please, please.”
Tim Matthews 0:40
Hello and welcome to another episode of the TPM Show. My name is Tim Matthews. I am your host, and I’m joined with the wonderful Mr.?
Stephen 0:50
Stephen Fleming, the king of cheese.
Tim Matthews 0:51
The king of cheese. So let’s imagine somebody’s listening to the show for the first time. Give them a quick 30-second background on yourself within TPM.
Stephen 1:05
Go into it. Okay. Well, I came across TPM about six years ago through the podcast and through ads and things on Facebook and social media. At the time, it struck a chord because I felt I was struggling with my life generally, with my relationships, my business, just feeling a bit all at sea.
So I signed up, not very far from the studio in fact, about six years ago. In the meantime, I’ve been through pretty much all of the programs you guys have got to offer. I’ve felt a huge transformation in my life. It’s been like nothing else I’ve ever done. So hugely rewarding.
Tim Matthews 1:46
Thank you for that. Didn’t mean to cut you off.
So obviously, I shared in the TPM app with the community last week that you and I would be getting together to record some podcasts. The guys volunteered some topics. There are a couple here I want to go into.
One from Mr. Little, that’s not his nickname, that’s his surname. I’ll keep his first name out for anonymity. And then Rock Solid, that’s the second guy’s nickname.
There’s overlap between these two. Basically, what they’re saying is, the first topic Mr. Little would like us to cover is communication, how to express needs without sounding needy, reframing questions so they land in a more receptive way.
The second one is, “Personally, I struggle with not having expectations of my wife.”
Those two are linked. Expressing needs, the struggle with not having expectations, and then the communication piece. So I’m going to pass the mic to you, King of Cheese. Take it away.
Stephen 3:07
So the first one about expressing needs without sounding needy. I feel a lot of that comes from being sure and secure in yourself and knowing that you can meet most of your own needs without anybody else.
That puts you in a place energetically to be able to talk about things that you might need from somebody else, and also to be indifferent, to a degree, about those. If you ask for something and maybe it’s not available, that’s okay because you’re grounded and centered in yourself.
When we think about neediness, what springs to mind is somebody almost begging for something. Let’s take the obvious example, a man begging his wife for intimacy or sex. That’s not a turn-on at all. It’s not going to get you anywhere.
To the point where, if you’re secure and safe in yourself, and this is part of what I’ve learned in my journey in TPM, you can sit down with your wife and talk about what you would need from the relationship in a way that’s not blunt or matter-of-fact like a shopping list. It’s also not, “Oh, please, please, please.”
It opens up a conversation where you’re able to express the things that you would like to have, and then a conversation ensues.
Tim Matthews 4:46
It’s really interesting. I think having needs is one of the things that most guys struggle with. Maybe that’s a blanket statement, but the guys we work with, leaders, entrepreneurs, executives, in my experience, and I’ve worked and spoken to thousands of them over the past 10 years, they all struggle with the idea of having needs.
I wonder if a piece of this is because they’ve learned to become so self-reliant. Part of being a leader or entrepreneur often means they had to learn from a very young age to rely on themselves. For whatever reason, whatever was going on in the household, most of them have stories of becoming very self-reliant very early on.
That self-reliance is a huge strength. But when that strength becomes a weakness is when independence robs you of interdependence.
I think a lot of guys, when they come to us, exist in a relationship independently. They haven’t figured out the interdependent piece. Both need to exist.
One of the first things guys have to overcome is guilt. I hear it time and time again. Men feel guilty for having needs. And you make a really good point. Being able to meet some of those needs on your own absolutely matters.
If you’re going to speak with your partner and have a conversation around needs, if you can come from a place of fullness because you are taking care of yourself and doing certain things that meet some of those needs, and you’ve overcome the guilt associated with that, then your energy is going to be very different.
You’re not looking to the other person to complete you. You’re looking to them to complement you. Big difference.
Most of the guys, when they come to us, have fallen into the trap of being codependent. They are dependent on their partner to provide something they haven’t figured out how to provide for themselves. It’s that whole idea of complete me versus complement me.
Their mood is very much tied to the mood of the relationship. That’s often why they worry about making a request. They don’t want to rock the boat. How is it going to be received? Ultimately, they don’t want love to be taken away. That’s the subconscious narrative that could be running in their head.
Tim Matthews 8:11
And that codependency part is—
Stephen 8:12
Right there, isn’t it?
Tim Matthews 8:13
Exactly. And then they get very anxious in that space. They don’t want to lose what bit of connection they’ve got because they think that’s what will happen if they express a need. But they also don’t want to live without this thing. So they’re stuck in this no man’s land.
Stephen 8:30
It’s hard. I’ve been there, and it’s horrible.
Tim Matthews 8:32
Me too. It’s not easy.
Coming back to expressing needs without sounding needy and struggling with not having expectations of your wife, I think the first piece is reframing needs. Having needs is not needy. It’s literally required for a successful life.
There are certain needs we need just for survival and safety, and there are certain needs we have for transcendence that can only be met in union with another. As human beings, we are social creatures. We have an innate desire to be seen by the other. That means having needs with the other. We have to partner with the other.
Go into that conversation from a place of fullness. Be clear on the importance of needs. Be mindful of your independence showing up and making you think you shouldn’t have them, that you should be able to do it for yourself, that it’s bad or wrong or something to feel guilty about. Get over that first.
The fullness piece is really important. I’d put that as step number one. I know I’ve included several steps there, but that’s the first piece.
Stephen 10:05
I think you make a really good point about the independent mindset, particularly with entrepreneurs as well.
Doug Holt 10:11
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I’m sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what’s broken. And not only do you need to know what’s broken, but you also need a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That’s the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you’re going to be toiling with things.
That’s why I created a free training, a training that not only shows you how you got to where you are and where your relationship is missing the love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have, but also how you get it back. How do you retain that, where your wife’s looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, “I do”?
I don’t know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I’m her man, that feels like I can conquer the world, and I want that for you. Simply go over to fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. That’s fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales, and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates with you.
Now, back to the podcast.
Stephen 11:12
When you go into business, especially if you’re starting it from scratch, you have to have that kind of independent mindset, and you pull everything up. You do everything yourself, don’t you? So it kind of magnifies that trait if it’s already there. It can be hard to actually put your hand up and say, I need some assistance with something.
Tim Matthews 11:31
I think a lot of guys see it as weakness.
Okay, so this next piece. Let’s just imagine that you’ve reframed what needs are in your own mind. You are filling the ones that you can fill for yourself. You’re now going to go into the conversation from a place of fullness. How do you then communicate what it is that you want without sounding needy?
Stephen 11:55
I think there’s an important step there, which is looking at the energy, the place, the environment that you’re having the conversation in.
If you want to have a conversation with your wife about sex in bed after you’ve maybe tried to initiate and she’s knocked you back, it’s probably not the right time to have that conversation.
With stuff like that, I think having it somewhere where the environment means that need isn’t even on the table is important. So having a conversation around sex while you’re having a walk in the park, for instance.
Tim Matthews 12:32
That’s a great one. Nature and movement. Really good way of doing it.
Stephen 12:36
And actually, there’s no suspicion that you’re leading the conversation to a particular outcome because of the environment. I think that’s pretty important.
Tim Matthews 12:47
I think it’s a really good point. The environment’s key, as is your energy. Energy even more so. And being direct, that’s very important. Being very clear, very direct, and very succinct. The worst thing you could do in that scenario is skirt around things and be vague.
Stephen 13:08
Somebody said to me, there’s no conversation that’s worse to have than the thought of having it. So the fear of having a conversation around a need. I’ve had this so many times with lots of things, where you’ve been building it up in your mind. Oh my God, this is going to be really hard. I’m not going to hear what I want to hear or whatever.
Tim Matthews 13:34
If you’re coming from that place of fullness too, you can be curious. I think a lot of people forget this. People can often get stuck in this fixed mindset that it’s yes or no.
Stephen 13:53
Transactional.
Tim Matthews 13:54
Well, I want this thing, and it’s a yes-or-no response. There’s a big gray area there.
If you communicate what it is you want in a very clear, direct, succinct way, from the right energy in a good environment, and your wife says no, get curious. Well, okay, I hear that. I’m curious, why is that a no for you?
You might find out some things and realize, oh, it’s not actually a no. It’s just, well, it can happen in this particular way.
But I think a lot of guys will get their back up, get antagonistic, shut down, or blow up. I love the saying, get curious, not furious.
Stephen 14:52
I like that.
Tim Matthews 14:52
I love that saying, and I think curiosity is such a gift in these conversations because it’s often what gets missed, right?
I think as well, going into the conversation and asking them if there’s anything they need—
Stephen 15:06
Because it’s a two-way street.
Tim Matthews 15:08
100%. Is there anything I’m not doing for you that you would really love me to do? Open up the door. Get curious again.
“No, there isn’t.”
“You sure?”
“Nope, there’s nothing.”
“Awesome, so I’m doing a phenomenal job right now.”
“Wow, wouldn’t go that far.”
“Okay, so what would you like me to do differently?”
You might need to pull it out of them a little bit. But again, the energy is important, right? I think something you said earlier was key, engaged indifference. Be engaged in the conversation but indifferent to the response.
Another mistake a lot of guys make, and I know these mistakes because I’ve made them myself, is they can drop into shame. They can internalize a response.
So let’s say their request is for sex. “I want to have more sex with you.” They can be worried about putting that out there in case the response is no. Instead of getting curious and finding out why, they internalize it and shut down and tell a story. “Well, that must be because there’s something wrong with me,” or “I’m not good enough,” and they drop into shame. They make it about them.
Instead, being able to remain open, lean in, get curious, find out more, and go from there is huge.
Stephen 16:37
Staying centered.
Tim Matthews 16:39
And then this piece of struggling with not having expectations of my wife. I don’t know what kind of expectations he has, so let’s talk about this a couple of ways.
One is making the point to replace expectation with appreciation where possible. If expectation is coming in the form of covert contracts, where you’re expecting something without communicating it, or you just assume something will happen, then yes, that’s not very good. It’s very destructive. In those moments, you can trade expectation for appreciation and stop taking little things for granted.
Now, I don’t know whether he means he struggles with having expectations from his wife in the sense of, “I struggle with expecting things from my wife, as though I shouldn’t expect anything.” That came up on one of the Academy office hours yesterday.
The Academy, for those that don’t know, is a four-year curriculum we’ve just launched within the community. Every day there’s an office hours call.
If we take it down that latter path, it is absolutely necessary to have expectations of the other person in the relationship. Expectations form agreements. Agreements form the foundation and basis of how the relationship functions.
For a relationship to be healthy, two people have to make it work. One person alone cannot make it work. So it’s completely fair to have expectations of the other, just like they should have expectations of you. Those things need to be spoken about. Those things need to be agreed upon. Hence the prior point around communication and needs.
Stephen 18:45
Totally. And in society, we even voice those in public. When two people get married, the vows are, you know, “This is what I expect of you in this relationship.” They’re exchanged, aren’t they?
So it’s core to the fabric of our society in many ways when it comes to relationships.
Tim Matthews 19:04
It’s needed, right? Otherwise, you’re just flying blind.
Look at business. If you go into a negotiation, you sign a contract. Expectations. Agreements. Expectations. If you hire somebody, there’s a scorecard. Expectation. There are KPIs. It’s an expectation.
Yet at home, yes, it’s a very different scorecard. It’s a relational playing field rather than a business playing field. But there’s still transfer that can occur there. This piece around expectations and having them is completely necessary. It’s absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship.
I would argue that not having them is a red flag, because both people will have them.
Stephen
Exactly right. Because that’s innate.
Tim Matthews
They’ll have them. You’ve just got to be talking about them.
The two biggest reasons a relationship breaks down are unmet expectations and thwarted communication. That means something isn’t happening for one person and there’s an inability to talk about it. That leads to mud on the glass, resentment over time. It gets worse. Two people can no longer see one another clearly. It’s not a good way to go.
Stephen 20:33
That’s it. And then they back off, and that’s it.
Tim Matthews 20:38
So I think that’s it. We’ve covered all of these, really. He’s saying reframing questions so they land in a more receptive way, but we kind of covered that with getting curious.
Stephen 20:48
Piece, I guess, about the curiosity and the energy.
Tim Matthews 20:51
For sure. Anything else you want to add to this before we sign this off?
Stephen 21:00
I think the curiosity is so important, and it’s something I’ve experienced myself. When you get a no about anything at all, or you don’t get a yes, I would have had, in the past, a tendency to just go, “Okay, right,” and take my bat home, shut down, and get stroppy and huffy.
Realizing now that that was what was modeled to me when I was a child, that’s how I saw my parents behaving, and that didn’t end well for them.
The curiosity just opens up so much, and that deepens connection because suddenly you’re having more interesting conversations. The person you’re in a relationship with changes over time, as do you. Things that may have been a yes a while ago become a no later on because everyone’s developing and evolving.
If you’re not curious about the person you’re with, your relationship’s not heading in a good way. You’ve got to stay curious.
Tim Matthews 22:03
I love that. A great note to finish on. You’ve got to stay curious.
Okay, guys, so you heard it from himself, the king of cheese. If you want to find out about anything we do here at The Powerful Man, whether it’s The Activation Method, The Ascension Blueprint, or The Academy, just send an email to vip@thepowerfulman.com. That’s vip@thepowerfulman.com.
Thank you for tuning in, and we’ll see you next time on the TPM Show.
