15 min read
Episode #985
What does it really mean to be present for your kids—not just physically, but emotionally and mentally?
And how do you balance that presence with the pressure you put on yourself to be a better man, husband, and leader?
In this episode, one father opens up about the raw and honest journey of leveling up—not just as a dad, but as a man.
You’ll hear how stepping into deeper accountability led to a powerful realization: the standards we hold ourselves to can also become silent contracts that impact our relationships.
We dive into what happens when you stop trying to fix others and start leading with understanding.
The conversation explores how to break patterns of judgment, how to truly connect with your children (especially daughters), and why being the “lighthouse” for your family sometimes means taking time to recharge your own bulb.
You’ll also hear about the surprising shifts that come from doing men’s work—not just once, but consistently—and how doing this work together brings clarity, confidence, and a deeper connection to purpose.
No fluff. Just real stories from real men doing the work—together.
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This free book will show you how to reconnect—without long talks or therapy.
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https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/freebook
Think you’re showing up—but not sure it’s enough?
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Transcription
Tim Matthews 0:00 I often learn more from witnessing the other men go through their journey and what that reflects back to me about my journey than me going through my own process.
Mark 0:10 I know, right?
Tim Matthews 0:13 The guard’s down. It’s about somebody else. It’s fascinating. Yeah.
Tim Matthews 0:35 Welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I’m Tim Matthews, and I’m joined with Mr. Mark Smith, Mr. Derek Calamitziotis.
Derek 0:44 Yes, yes. Good. Excited to be here.
Tim Matthews 0:47 I have been. So here we are after the Rising. So I’m curious, how would you describe your experience?
Derek 1:00 It was breathtaking. It was amazing to dig in as we dug in and experience a much deeper connection with myself through my journey and where I’m headed. You know, the journey is the destination. So opening up, where are we going next? Where am I going next to become a better man, father, leader?
Tim Matthews 1:28 What would you say was the hottest topic? What fear was the hottest topic?
Derek 1:32 The hottest for me would have been my past, things that were holding me back from progressing to be better, again, as a father and a business leader. But the more important part about that is a lot around communication and presence. So being able to be present in the situations with the people that I love or care about, or business and those types of opportunities.
Mark 2:02 What was it like for you to have the opportunity to be coached at that deeper level?
Derek 2:13 It was amazing. I’ve been fortunate to be coached by many of you men, the coaches that are here. And it’s another level, especially having the crew of you guys present for our experience. It’s eye opening.
Mark 2:31 So you stepped to the line. You really, really went to a place where it must have been challenging for you. What opportunities have opened up as a result, do you think, from being on that journey, which is the destination, as you said?
Derek 2:50 I’m excited when I get home for the connection with my kids. So a lot of my drive, my direction, is being more present with my children. Yeah. And look, I had a great upbringing, right? I had a good upbringing. But is there an opportunity for me to be better or do better? Yes. I want to do the best, though, not just better. Yeah. So how can I be more present for my girls and their lives to make sure that they grow up to become better than I am or better than their parents?
Tim Matthews 3:32 I love the way in which you hold yourself accountable. Every time we brought the guys back into session, we asked them, “Hey, sit down if you feel like you stepped to the line.” And more often than not, you would stay standing. Yeah. Even if there was a hint of doubt, you would stay standing. Yes. And let’s talk about that for a second, because there’s a double-edged sword to both those. On one hand, I love the way you hold yourself accountable. On the other side, I wonder if there’s a piece of you that is a little bit too harsh on yourself.
Derek 4:16 Sometimes I’m standing or not feeling that I’m fully stepping to the line because I’m not fully open with the other men that are on the journey and that I might not be fully present for them because I’m holding something back. So I’d rather get that off my chest and put that out into the group, to the universe, to be dissected and processed, whether it’s from recommendations from the coaches. But I talked about this as we were going through it, bringing the team together as the eight, ten of us join as a force. There’s a lot of power in that. And early on in almost all of these journeys, there’s a disconnection in that force of power because we’re not all aligned. It takes a little bit of time to get us aligned. And to get aligned, we all have to have an idea of what we’re each going through, where we are on the journey. Yeah. So if I don’t feel a connection, I would typically—
Tim Matthews 5:33 Yeah. I’m just curious how that might show up outside of the Rising as you’re going through everyday life. Because what I love about you is how keen you are for feedback, how coachable you are in applying the feedback. And I get the impression you are a big accountability guy. You hold yourself very accountable. In my experience of working with you over the past few years, I think it’s a major strength. And I resonate with it, right? You and I are very similar in the sense that we’re very structured with reviews and journaling and that kind of stuff, and it’s usually in those things where the personal accountability comes up. Just like you, I’ve also found a lot of power in being vulnerable and sharing the pieces of me that I may be doubtful of or questioning or whatever it may be. I’m very quick to want to share them. But there’s also a double-edged sword to that, right, as well. Because within the personal accountability, if I’m not careful, I can become a little bit too harsh with myself. And without knowing it, I can then start to look at others through a similar lens—whether it’s Amelia. And this used to be more of a struggle for me in the past. But I could then become too critical—whether it’s my family. I could do the same thing. And then, because I was holding myself to such a high standard, I would then try and hold them to a similar standard that they’d never even said they wanted to be held to. I just thought that’s a standard that they should be held to because I saw the benefit and the value. Right. And again, for a long time, I really struggled with how to balance that. How do I continue to grow, still be honest with myself, be vulnerable with myself, while at the same time not judging myself too harshly, and thus also not judging others too harshly?
Derek 7:45 What’s coming up for me is covert contracts. I think, well, it’s in TAM or it’s in The Activation Method. We practice covert contracts, learning how to identify them. But I think it’s more than just a covert contract with another person. It can also be a covert contract with yourself.
Tim Matthews 8:08 Yeah. Tell me more. What do you mean?
Derek 8:12 Well, you can create a contract that you can’t live by, or that line’s always moving, like an impossible standard. Impossible standard. The goalposts keep moving. Keep moving the post. Yeah, what’s next, what’s next, what’s next? So I still struggle with that at times because it’s very easy to have the conversation with myself to figure out what other people are supposed to be doing. But that’s a lot to do with having those open conversations with loved ones or people that matter and being present in that communication.
Mark 8:49 So you spoke about your girls, and you’ve spoken about covert contracts and about holding yourself to a high standard. What, for you, has been, as a result of the Rising, the biggest insights around that for the way forward?
Derek 9:07 What came up a lot, and I brought it up quite a bit, was listening with the intent to understand versus reply. And that’s also, I think, listening with the intent to understand versus lecture or tell them what to do. Yeah. And allowing them to walk through the process themselves. Yeah? Because we’re not really raising children; we’re raising adults. Yeah. I love that line, right?
Tim Matthews 9:32 Such a lens to view things through, right?
Derek 9:35 Right. So how do I want them to enter society and have a conversation? Yeah. So if it’s going to be me telling them and not leading through example of understanding their position, yeah, or their energy where they’re at, how can I expect them to do that when they’re out on their own? Yeah. And that’s been my last year, year and a half—just listening and trying to be present with how they’re feeling or how somebody else is feeling.
Mark 10:11 Yeah, there’s a challenge in that, isn’t there, as well? When we relinquish the control and the judgment, they may show up in ways that you don’t like or you don’t appreciate. And that’s been something that I’ve experienced in my life with my children, even with my little granddaughter. There are times when her behavior is challenging. So if you were to speak to men around leading children in that regard, what is the behavior that you exemplify more than listening to understand? Is there more?
Derek 10:55 There are still going to be boundaries, right? So they still can’t go over a boundary, or there still has to be some sort of rule, right? Yeah. And when they’re not around that boundary or rule, or they step over the line, there still has to be accountability around it for them, sure. But I would say what came up for me in the question was not just listening, but also eye contact and removing distractions. Okay. Cell phones, or if it’s a serious conversation, turning off a TV, taking their iPad. With my middle girl, we do quite a bit of breath work and meditation. So when she’s kind of not connected for a conversation or getting off the iPad or a device, it takes a minute for that dopamine to settle. Yeah. And so there’s also a presence in that versus barking an order while they’re on a device and bringing them back to present.
Mark 12:08 So one of the things that, for me, has surfaced in this conversation has been around acceptance—accepting others for who they are and how they show up. How does that land for you?
Tim Matthews 12:22 Well, each one of my girls is different, yeah, on a very different level. So they each have to be communicated with differently. Yeah. So you can’t imagine—you can’t help them be better adults, better kids, by expecting them all to be taught the same way, fit to a mold. Yeah? There isn’t a mold for all of them. And it’s the same for us men, too. Yeah. That’s part of us all coming together. There’s a different mold.
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Tim Matthews 14:15 So what were some of the other key insights that came up for you during the Rising?
Derek 14:19 That we all have a lot of similarities. So early on in the journey, I would say I was under the belief that I was an exception. It was just me that had those issues, right? But when you look at where we have eight men on this one—on the Rising, nine. Nine. When you look at—I’m just going to use 10—I resonate with 25%, 30% of them on a very similar journey to mine in my past. And so that connection was powering.
Tim Matthews 14:57 So many mirrors, right, with you guys—all the guys that were here. So many reflections back to one another of struggles, right? And what’s fascinating, for example, there was one guy there who had lost his daughter to suicide. There was another guy there who only a few months previously had found a suicide plan on his daughter’s phone, right? Yeah. And these two guys had never met before. So for one of the guys to be sharing from his perspective and his journey around how to deal with that and forgiving himself and all that stuff, obviously we know the impact it was having on the guy that had just found the plan on his daughter’s phone. Yeah, right? And then, obviously, mirrors within sexual abuse, mirrors within other challenges—there were so many mirrors where you guys were really—it must have blown you guys away. I mean, it blew me away as a coach, being in that circle with you guys at times. I just couldn’t believe the synchronicities, right? It’s so healing to be in a group of other men who are in different points of their journey, who can reflect back to you what the other side looks like. In my experience, I often learn more from witnessing the other men go through their journey and what that reflects back to me about my journey than me going through my own process. I know, right? The guard’s down. It’s about somebody else.
Derek 16:43 Yeah, but that’s also a lot—even with not sitting down when you ask the question, “Are you stepping to the line?” Because maybe when somebody had that happen, and maybe you weren’t prepared at the time to talk about your insight, yeah, your experience with that situation. And you go back, and you get in your journal, and then you uncover a similarity that can be something that you bring up as well by not sitting down or not stepping back or stepping forward, saying you’re not stepping to the line. Yeah. You know, suicide was very prevalent in this crew we had going.
Tim Matthews 17:29 But even girls as well, it was interesting, right? Yeah. Usually it’s with boys. Oh, man, right? This was with girls.
Derek 17:36 Yeah. So it’s scary.
Tim Matthews 17:39 I mean, for you with daughters, holy shit. I can only imagine what you’re thinking, right, as these guys are sharing. Yeah.
Derek 17:46 Yeah. The pressure they’re under—the kids nowadays with social media, cell phones—yeah, information is coming very fast.
Mark 17:56 I was just going to riff on that. The piece that comes up for me is around that safety that we create in the lives of our family members, specifically children—and I think specifically girls—from a dad’s point of view. Because they look to dad, right? Daddy’s little girl. I’ve got two daughters, so it’s really important to me that they feel safe and that they can open up and that they can express things that they’re struggling with. And I think the reason that boys are more statistically prevalent is that it’s more challenging for boys to open up. And yet it’s still really vital that we create an open space and a safe space for daughters to share what they’re going through. And it’s not easy.
Tim Matthews 18:48 Well, no. And this is part of how we do it. We come together as men, yeah, to process, to share, to go through certain things that we need to go through as men. Quite frankly, it’s things you can’t really go through in a group of mixed company. And in doing so, we are then able to return home to our families clearer, more grounded, more confident, more certain, to then hold space for the people in our life who need us to hold it. I mean, that’s a big piece of being the lighthouse. Yeah, right? So inevitably, the bulb will dim at times. It needs replacing, right? It’s kind of like that. That’s the point at which we retreat here. Yeah, right? We get what we need to get—the insights, the support, guidance, whatever it may be—and then the light goes back on brighter, stronger than before. It’s key. I am really curious, though, as well. There’s going to be some guys listening to this podcast who have been in the movement a few years, have been to the Alpha Reset, and I’ve got to imagine they must be thinking, “Oh, well, what’s the point in even going to the Rising? I’ve been to the Reset. It’s just another Reset.” I’m curious what you’d say to those guys about how it’s different, without giving anything away, and how you’d overcome that piece with them.
Derek 20:15 If I had to sum it up—the power—without giving anything away, that’s tough. It’s an extension of the Reset, right? We’re moving from a more—In the Reset, we were really uncovering what was holding us back at that time. And we were just talking about communication, or you were talking about how boys don’t open up as much as girls. If I wasn’t able to open up, how can I plan to have my daughters open up to me? And so when I look at after joining the program, after my Reset, my connection with my daughters and that capability for me to be present, to be there for them—that’s a big shift in our relationship. Now, I wish it happened at a younger age for my oldest. I wish I would have seen that sooner. Not that I was a terrible dad, but could I be better? Yeah, I can always be better. So going from The Alpha Reset to the Rising, I would say it’s a deeper understanding of myself and what Derek needs. What do I need more of? Because when we fill our own bucket—when we fill our own needs—that multiplies into the people around us. So I believe I have a better sense of who Derek is and how to be better for myself, which will ultimately trickle—not trickle—it’ll be like a tidal wave to the other people that are important in my life.
Tim Matthews 22:09 Yeah, the way I describe it is The Alpha Reset kind of cracks you guys open. Because for most of you guys, I’d say 99% of you guys, it’s the first real exploration into doing real work on yourself, right? That just can’t be done through therapy or talk therapy or whatever it may be. You’ve got to be taken to the deepest recesses of the darkest places that you’ve been hiding from. And The Alpha Reset then gives you the ability to start to lay a new foundation. And then, as you integrate after the Reset—and Mr. Drake the Redwood, he was on here before, and he was saying, yeah, look, after The Alpha Reset I integrated what I learned there for the following months, years, whatever—and so I reached another plateau. The previous ceiling becomes a floor, right? At which point the Rising, because you guys have done the work at the Reset, you’ve integrated the changes, and you’ve started to build a different foundation, enables you to be able to come here and do the nuanced work here. There’s a lot of subtleties within the work that we did here over the past five days that I think, had somebody not been through a Reset, wouldn’t land. They wouldn’t see the value in it. I can’t remember who it was—somebody came up to me over the past few days and said, hey, the work that you guys do here is kind of like you’re metaphorical heart surgeons. It was me, was it you? It’s a great way of putting it, right? Heart surgery being so precise and intricate. That’s a great way of putting it.
Derek 23:59 Just wanted to touch on something you said. So when I had first joined TAM, I was five, six weeks in where I was really digging into Stickman. And I had gone to our therapist, and we were sitting down with her, and I was going through Stickman and the exercises and things we were doing. And she actually said, “You don’t need to come see me. Stick with what you’re doing, because most men won’t do that type of work.” So I had only seen her since then—that was roughly three years ago—one other time. And she’s like, “I don’t know what you’re going to get from me that you’re not getting from what you’re doing.”
Mark 24:46 So that goes to Tim’s point around the only way is to do it with a group of men, because we can hold space and the energy required for other men to do their work, right? So it makes it special.
Derek 24:59 It is interesting when you say the floor, because there is a level where—look, I had doubts coming in. I had a lot of excuses the last week before we came out. Like, do I need to do this? I’ve got a lot going on with work. Do I need this experience? Can it wait? Was there fear? Maybe. There could be some fear. But I’m very, very glad that I did it—to experience it with the men, to realign me for that next floor, that next level. Yeah, it’s going to be powerful. I’m pretty excited to get home.
Tim Matthews 25:45 Usually we need it the most when we’re saying, “I’m too busy.” Yeah, right? Because you’ve taken on so much in life. You’re leveling up, be it through business or whatever. You’re feeling the pressure, right? In a lot of respects, it’s a great time to do it, because then it resets the foundation and increases the capacity to be able to handle the next level of growth that you’re clearly wanting to invite in.
Derek 26:09 Yeah. But same with EOS. On our quarterlies, we’ve had a couple quarters where the team was like, “Oh, we’ve got so much going on. Do we need to do this?” And we’re like, “Let’s just do it. They say we’ve got to do it.” And then everybody at the end of that day is like, “I’m so glad we did this,” yeah? Because we realign our direction for what’s our next quarter or the year look like. Yeah, it’s important.
Mark 26:36 Just to appreciate you and the courage you’ve shown to show up and lead in a way in this group of men. I really respect you as a father of girls. Well done.
Derek 26:50 You too, and I appreciate that. I hear you. Thank you. After you mentioned that, I do have to say that I really, really appreciate you guys being here and the work that you do, because it’s a lot of fun. I’m forging lifelong relationships. Yeah, it’s going to be painful for us.
Mark 27:08 I can see where you need to go. I can see where you’re stuck. Go there. Go there. Figure it out.
Derek 27:17 But enough. As far as anybody contemplating doing the Rising, I would highly recommend coming out and experiencing what we went through with the group of men and being open about it. Yeah. There’s some fear in it, for sure, because what could we do different than the Reset? Because The Alpha Reset is so powerful. But having gone through—I guess I’m the 20th in the first 20—yeah, it’s good stuff. Special. Yeah, special.
Mark 27:54 So what I said to you on the pre-event call—this is not an extension of the Reset. This is something completely different. Very much different. Yeah.
Tim Matthews 28:06 Beautiful. So guys, as we like to say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
