20 min read
Episode #983
Ever find yourself holding back appreciation from your wife because you’re not feeling seen yourself?
Yeah, I’ve been there too.
In this episode, Andrew and I dive deep into how something as simple as daily gratitude can completely shift your energy and change the way you show up in your marriage, business, and life. We talk about what happens when you stop looking for what’s missing and start appreciating what’s already there.
This isn’t some fluffy gratitude journal talk. We’re talking about real, practical ways to use gratitude even when things feel hard. Like when you’re trying to co-parent with your ex. Or when you’re waking up at 2 AM with stress. Or when you’re biting your tongue in a tough conversation and trying not to blow up.
You’ll also hear a personal story I’ve never shared before the moment I snapped out of a downward spiral thanks to a random triathlon on TV and a guy running without legs. It changed everything for me.
In this episode, we unpack how to keep your gratitude practice real (not forced), how it helps you lead better conversations, and why most guys totally overlook the power of being grateful for yourself.
Because the truth is, you can’t lead your family or your business if you’re constantly running on fumes and resentment. Gratitude flips that.
Whether your marriage is struggling or you just want to reconnect with your purpose as a man this is where you start.
Feel like you’ve tried everything to fix your marriage but nothing’s landing?You don’t need another long talk. You need a new approach.
Grab A Man’s Guide to Saving His Marriage Without Talking About It on Amazon and learn the exact steps to lead your relationship back to connection, respect, and passion without forcing awkward conversations.
Ready to shift the energy in your marriage without another heavy conversation?Start with gratitude. Grab your free copy of A Man’s Guide to Saving His Marriage Without Talking About It and take the first step toward reconnecting with your wife and leading your home with confidence.
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Transcription
Andrew 0:00 I would say right off the bat, wake up. To me, you can write it down. Write three things down, like you were saying before, three things you're grateful for. I would look in the mirror and just for a minute sit there and say, you know what, I'm grateful for this. And just look at yourself, see how your energy shifts while you're saying it. I mean, I would do it in a video. I actually used to go live on the app and say, I'm grateful for this, I'm grateful for that. And you're watching your face and your smile comes out. Everything just shifts. And I think that's a huge thing, to see your energy and look at yourself, you know, because the man you are is amazing. Yes, be grateful for that man.
Doug Holt 0:35 Absolutely.
Doug Holt 0:36 Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM Show. I've twisted his arm. We do have Andrew the Gift back with us again. We're talking about something off camera that I think is extremely relevant and something that I think you guys are going to want to hear. So stay tuned, and we'll get to Andrew here. Hey man, thanks for sticking around.
Andrew 1:07 Thank you. I'm glad to be here. You know that!
Doug Holt 1:09 I know there's a lot going on right now. We got an event. You've flown in from New York to be here. For those that haven't listened to the previous episode, Andrew is here. He is volunteering to help the men walk alongside the men who are going through an event that we call The Rising. It's our second event that goes on the back of the Alpha Reset. So for men that have gone through the Alpha Reset, usually after about a year, they come back and do The Rising, which is kind of peeling back the next layer, if you will. So we were talking about it before we hit record. We were just chit-chatting, and I asked you a question. I said, hey man, if you were in front of 15 guys and they're sitting on a couch in front of you, what's something you'd want to impart or something you want to share with them? And you said, you know what? The power of gratitude. So let's talk about that.
Andrew 1:54 So it's interesting because I could have gone so many different ways with that answer, right? It goes in other directions self-love or gratitude or forgiveness or appreciation, right? But gratitude, to me, it shifts the energy state. It shifts, you know, if you focus on gratitude, you could always focus on the have-nots in your life, right? Yep. But when you boil it down and you look at it and you say, okay, well, did I wake up in a bed this morning? Did I have clean water to drink? The simplest things that we all take for granted, right? And you're grateful for those things, and you start to shift your whole energy state, and you sort of realize, wow, I have so much good in my life. And then you appreciate more, and you love yourself more. It almost spins off the rest of it. In a state of gratitude, you cannot be angry. You cannot fear. Yep. You can't have any of that when you're in a state of gratitude. And it's a state. It's not just a word. It's not just it’s something. If you wake up every morning and you think of a few things or 10 things, or you spend a minute reflecting on things you're grateful for, your life is going to change. Yes, change. It's going to be amazing.
Doug Holt 2:58 One hundred percent. And so, you know, even before TPM, when I was coaching people one on one, the first thing I would have them do is write down first thing in the morning and send to me three things three to five, it depended on who I was working with three to five things you're grateful for, because it sets your mind right. You're setting your mind to look for gratefulness. So many of us wake up in the morning and the alarm goes off, and you run, you grab a cup of coffee, and you're trying to get the kids ready, jump in the shower, get ready for work, and you're out the door, or you're on your email, you're on your phone, and you're setting yourself up for a state of reaction. But when you get up and you go into a place of gratitude, to your point, you're not in fear, you're not in worry, you're not in scarcity mode. You start to go, oh, I'm very grateful that I have a house that I can actually sit here and do this. I have the time to think about myself. It doesn't I think a lot of guys, Andrew, when they try to go into a gratitude practice, they think it has to be this huge thing, right? I got to come up with these amazing things to write down that I'm grateful for, and they miss the small stuff.
Andrew 4:02 For sure. I mean, it is, it's the simple things. You walk outside, the sun's shining. Oh, it feels good, right? Every little thing. You have to reflect on those things because they lead to bigger things. And it's just appreciation. It's appreciation of life. You woke up. You woke up. You're breathing. You're not in the hospital. You're not, you know. There's so many different ways to look at it, right?
Doug Holt 4:22 Oh, there is. And it is the cure for depression. It is the cure for if your marriage isn't working out or the way you look at your wife. We'll talk about that in a second. The story I tell often because it's a true story and it happened to me I’m in Santa Barbara, California. I own a personal training studio. I own a magazine. I have a consulting business. And I'm in my, gosh, I had to be at that time mid to late 20s. I'm checking all these boxes, right? I'm getting around a lot of beautiful women all the time. But I have my apartment. I live in an apartment. And I wake up one morning. It was like on a Saturday. I think it was a Saturday morning. And I wake up and I'm just feeling like crap. I'm just depressed, sad for some reason about life, thinking woe is me. Like, oh man, why is this happening to me? Total victim mode, not knowing it at the time. I turn on the TV and it’s the Alcatraz triathlon. I’m not sure which one it was. There's a guy swimming in the water. So whatever, it just happens to be the one channel I have. Yes, I just didn't watch a lot of TV. Didn't have cable, so you get that one free channel. And this guy gets out of the water and starts running, and he has no legs prosthetics. And I go, what the ? It's a sunny day. It's Santa Barbara, California, and I'm sitting in a dark apartment with the shades down. I turned off the TV, got up, opened the shades, and started looking at what I was grateful for. Had an amazing day. It changed my shift instantly. Instantly shifted because I was like, who am I? And the reason I tell that story is because in that moment, I was like, I'm grateful to have legs, right? I can go walk. I can go right now to the beach. I can go play beach volleyball. I can do all of these things that are very difficult for this man who just is getting out, ready to run without limbs.
Andrew 6:13 To me, you realize there's the energy piece associated with when you can become grateful now and you appreciate the things around you. You're attracting what you want into your life, you know. And it doesn't seem like that at first, but once you start living in that state and realizing and just you know and I'm not saying, like, I don't necessarily do it all the time. I'm not starting my day off with gratitude anymore. I used to do it all the time. But what I do I'm not saying I don't do it but when I do do it, my day is better, yep. And it's just, it's amazing. It's magnetizing, polarizing, right? You just feel so good. The little things. It's all the little things, you know. And you treat people better.
Doug Holt 6:53 You do. And you can even be grateful about big things too. I just want to make sure the guys understand don't make it difficult. Don't make it difficult on yourself. The idea like, hey, you have legs. If you do have legs, make it easy. I'm grateful I got up this morning. I didn't die in my sleep. Sure, you know, I'm 48. There are guys I know younger than me that just don't wake up. And not that that's a horrible thing, but it's not my goal.
Andrew 7:17 And even materialistic, stupid things you can be grateful for that too. It doesn't make you a bad person. We all want nice things. So you can say, wow, I love my car. But just to have it and not appreciate it because here, you get it, the new shiny car, great and then you drive it every day, you're not realizing how special it is that you have that luxury, that you were able to afford, that that, you know, and it means something. And you have to step back, you know. Yep, cancel the noise for a second. Reflect on everything you have. It's so easy to get caught up in the have-not and wanting and wanting this or wanting that. And, you know, it doesn't make you feel good, though.
Doug Holt 7:52 We did The Brotherhood event in Cuba, and I think we had 40-some men there. And I heard it over and over again. The guys are like, oh my gosh, just being here and seeing this poverty has made me so grateful for the things I had that I've just taken for granted. I have multiple TVs in my house. I have food. Like, in Cuba, they don't have food, right? They ration eggs. We had an omelet for breakfast, and the number of eggs that would be in our omelet as Americans, I think it was the weekly ration for a family.
Andrew 8:26 It really is sad when you're thinking of it in those terms, and you see how other people live, and you just have what are we complaining about?
Doug Holt 8:34 Exactly, man. So gratitude. Also, I use gratitude when I go into a difficult conversation, right? So I'm a hard driver. I'm really passionate about the movement here, helping men. And so when people don't meet my standards, I get upset. Hard to believe, right? Some people say I have a strong personality. But what I'll do is I'll go into that conversation if I give gratitude to the other person first, then it lessens the blow, sure, right? And then I can sit there and go, okay, that person's got other things going on in their life, or maybe they don't have the life experiences I've had. I mean, I've been a business owner since my early 20s, like 21. So I've screwed up everything 20 times over before I've learned the lesson. Maybe this is just their first or second time making that mistake, so they haven't learned the lessons I've learned.
Andrew 9:32 And it's so easy to find it in so many different ways. Right now, I'm grateful for being here right now doing this podcast for you. It was one of the things I was really looking forward to coming here. I mean, so many things I was looking forward to being with the men and giving love and support but this was one of the things. Like, I want to go do a podcast because it just so I'm grateful for that. And I'm grateful for the opportunity for that. I mean, it's a life goal. I want to do many more with you and Tim and everyone. It makes it just the experience feels good, you know. So you're moving the needle. Baby steps, baby steps.
Doug Holt 10:11 My broker will be reaching out to you. But that's it. And you were talking about in the last podcast you and I did about the gratitude practice you took on the gratitude challenge in Prague. And that was to have gratitude for your soon-to-be ex-wife because it's not always roses, right? And you went through that process. First of all, was that easy for you to do to find things every day or was that a challenge at times?
Andrew 10:43 It's interesting because it seemed easy at first, and it was. And then it gets to a point where I could have kept going, but then I was like, you know, I wouldn't be genuine if I keep going. And it was also different. It was a gratitude challenge for her surrounding my children, yes, you know. So it was like, if I was still with her, you could find more things. But that energy wasn't something I wanted to portray. So it was just like, hey, this is what you do for them that I'm grateful for. I'm grateful for this. I'm grateful for that, you know. And that actually when it was genuine it was easy. But if that became inauthentic, it wouldn't have worked for me.
Doug Holt 11:17 And what came up for you doing that gratitude practice?
Andrew 11:21 A lot of self-reflection. I'd be lying to you if I said it was easy. It was a very difficult challenge to do, you know? You step back and say, wow. And you start going down roads and thinking, well, how did I show up? And even, like I shared with you before, when she heard it, she didn't feel that I ever appreciated those things about her, you know? And I was like, well and you realize I didn't show it. That I was showing that appreciation and that gratitude for all the little things that she did, you know, for the children, right? And it's reflection in itself to realize how you should show up and appreciate.
Doug Holt 11:54 I want to buy you a gift. Look, if your marriage is struggling and let's be real, every marriage struggles at some point but yours is struggling where you've lost that love, admiration, respect, I want to help you. I want to buy you a copy of the book that I wrote, A Man’s Guide on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It.. In here, I've distilled over eight years of programs that we've developed at TPM to help men just like you save their marriages without talking about it. There's no fluff, no BS. It's an action plan that you can start using today to actually save your marriage and bring that love and respect back into your family, back into your house. You deserve it. Look, all I ask is you pay the postage. You pay the shipping. I'll buy the book for you. That way you can take massive action today. Click the link or find it in the bio and get your copy now.
Andrew 12:47 That gratitude, if you show it daily to your significant other and they feel that energy, you know I mean, it's amazing. It's the most amazing thing in the world for someone to really see you, right? And see the things you do, the simple things that you're not asking for anyone to say thank you for. You're just doing it because you have to do it, or sometimes want to do it, right? But when someone else sees it afterward and says, wow, that was you could have just thrown their lunch in a lunchbox, but you put a little note in there every day. Like, what does that do for your kids, where they say, I love you, have a great day, when they open up their lunchbox, right? Huge.
Doug Holt 13:18 Did you ever hold back gratitude, Andrew, because you weren't getting the gratitude that you felt you deserved?
Andrew 13:21 One hundred percent. One hundred percent.
Doug Holt 13:23 I found myself doing that too. That's really interesting. As you're saying that, that's what's coming up for me. It almost feels like at times I used to withhold it, like, well, she's not seeing me, so why should I give her that power? You know, make her think that she's superior in some way.
Andrew 13:43 You know what's coming up for me right now is the similarity between appreciation and gratitude. They're not the same thing. No, they're not. But it's almost like, because I wasn't getting the appreciation, I couldn't give the gratitude, right? And that's what's actually coming up. And it's totally separate things.
Doug Holt 14:01 But they're tangential, right? Because what we're saying, both of us are like, it's horse trading. Like, I'll do this for you once you do this for me. And I was totally doing that.
Andrew 14:12 That transactional part of me is gone. It's true. I just if I'm doing it, it's because I genuinely want to do it or I'm not doing it.
Doug Holt 14:23 But also what's coming up for me in thinking about this is Tim, who's here, is like a brother of mine. So I grew up in a house where you just make fun of each other, and that's what you do. That's how you show love, right? But in those relationships, showing gratitude that's why I always make sure, like, you've done so much since I've been here to make sure, hey, thank you for going to get coffee. Thank you. And making sure that that person hears it. Because it's easy just to be like, oh, Andrew got coffee, awesome, sweet, and then not that you were looking for thanks for anything and not that you expected it, and it probably didn't even land as a hey, I really appreciate you doing it. But for me, it's important to show that. And as you're talking, I'm like, man, I haven't thanked Tim for anything since he's been here. I've given him a hard time on all the things he hasn't done.
Andrew 15:12 But the good news, you have time to thank him.
Doug Holt 15:15 I'm going to after this. But just using that as an example or Colton or Arthur, Levi, Grant, anybody else. Both Marks are here.
Andrew 15:23 There's so much that people are giving.
Doug Holt 15:27 So much they're giving. But I guess what I'm trying to get at is there's so many people in our lives that aren't getting the appreciation that they deserve or that they need. So can we as men put it upon ourselves to give just much more gratitude to people so they feel filled up?
Andrew 15:45 And the flip side of it is, can you receive it? Right? Because I know most of the time and I've struggled, I still struggle with it like somebody says thank you, I'm like, oh no, no, no big deal. You just shrug it off. Instead of saying you're welcome, right? Think about it. Someone says thank you to you. It was hard for me to receive. I'm just like, of course, you know. But that's not the answer. That's not really it. If a person is giving you appreciation and gratitude, just take a moment to say, you're welcome. I'm happy to do that for you.
Doug Holt 16:14 Well, it's like giving someone a gift. If you gave me a gift and I just tossed it in the corner, you'd be like, oh shit, you know. There's a feel-good does it feel good? Not valued. But if I got excited and I opened it, tore that package open, that would make you feel good.
Andrew 16:32 And even just realizing it was special. It may not be, you know, some significant value of monetary value, but it's something thoughtful that that person did for you, right? And that's more valuable than anything else.
Doug Holt 16:44 It totally is. I used to have this thing when people would give me gifts, I would never open them in front of them. I'm not exactly sure why I did that, but I just thought that was the proper thing to do. And in retrospect, I could see or cards I could see people. I always did it privately if it was for me, but I always cherished them. But I could imagine now where I'm sitting, going back and looking at it from the giver's point of view, me I didn't offer them the opportunity of seeing how grateful I was or excited I was in that moment, which is really interesting. That goes back to gratitude. So you've taken it back. You did a 30-day challenge, and
Andrew 17:24 Oh, I did way longer than that before that. So what I think is the appreciation challenge, which is interesting. But I did gratitude long before that, and it was a game changer, just starting off every day in a state of gratitude. And then you don't see it in a tangible way, but all of a sudden your day just becomes better and better. And you start to realize, wait a minute, I'm not getting angry, I'm not getting upset at all the little things, because you're focusing on the good. You're looking for the good. It's so easy to seek out the bad.
Doug Holt 17:55 It's easy to find. Have you ever done a gratitude challenge on yourself or an appreciation challenge on yourself?
Andrew 18:03 Wow, you just gave me a new challenge. There you go. That would be interesting.
Doug Holt 18:07 Because you're in a different state, right? And what I mean by that is not only a physical state different, but you're in a different state of mind than most men because you've done the work for years now, and you continue to do it. But for most people, the journey of self-love is a very difficult one, right? But one thing you can do is start showing gratitude and appreciation towards yourself, just like you would show your wife love by showing her gratitude and appreciation. If you want to feel self-love
Andrew 18:41 I'm smiling on the inside thinking about this. It never even occurred to me to do a self-gratitude challenge.
Doug Holt 18:47 And to show yourself that love, right? And I love this about you.
Andrew 18:54 I mean, it is a self-love challenge. You do that. I love you because of this. So it is gratitude in a sense, right? But this is different. It's I'm grateful for and you can go back in the past, you can go present, you can go any which way. Or the man you're becoming, right? EMR.
Doug Holt 19:08 I'd recommend using third person, like you would talk to your wife or somebody else. Like, Andrew, thank you for whatever you were doing. I know we talked about making this a shorter episode than normal, and the problem I have is you and I could talk about these things, which is a great problem to have.
Andrew 19:28 We'll talk later on.
Doug Holt 19:29 What are let's leave these guys with a couple, like three or four action points. These men are action takers. They watch the show or listen to it, whether watching on YouTube or otherwise. What are some things they could do right now for gratitude?
Andrew 19:44 I would say right off the bat, wake up. To me, you can write it down. Write three things down, like you were saying before, three things you're grateful for. I would look in the mirror and just for a minute sit there and say, you know what, I'm grateful for this. And just look at yourself. See how your energy shifts while you're saying it. I would do it in a video. I actually used to go live on the app, and I'd sit there and say, I'm grateful for this. I'm grateful for that. And you're watching your face and your smile comes out. Everything just shifts. And I think that's a huge thing, to see your energy and look at yourself, you know, because the man you are is amazing. Yes, be grateful for that man.
Doug Holt 20:20 Absolutely. I like that. And I'm going to throw out to the guys, if they're thinking of the area that's causing the most strife, the most problems like when you wake up at two in the morning and you can't go back to sleep because you're worrying about it, maybe it's business, maybe it's marriage, whatever it is spend 30 days, every day write three things, at least, that you're grateful for around that problem, and watch that problem shift.
Andrew 20:46 Because it's this perceived thing that's such a big problem. But you know, oh, I can't collect money in business. Well, you own a business. Most people don't own a business. You're doing great in business, right? So those little that problem all of a sudden diminishes itself. It's not that big of a problem anymore. It's like, okay, it's an issue, but it's actually something you can address.
Doug Holt 21:05 The thing is, you're giving yourself a different look, right? And from my experience on my personal side, but also as someone that's been coaching for almost 20 years now, those problems just go away. Or they solve themselves in some manner. Because when you're focused on them, you're focused on them with such negative energy that they tend to manifest whatever you're thinking about. Sure. You start to turn that around and focus on the positive stuff around it. That negative part tends to either A, take care of itself, or B, the guy doesn't have the charge around it, so he's able to tackle that problem in a much easier way.
Andrew 21:40 It's a game changer.
Doug Holt 21:42 Absolute game changer. So those are two things. And one more is this is a practice I like to get back into, and I used to do this randomly. So guys that know me, don't be surprised if I start doing this. Every day, randomly pick someone and give them something you're grateful for. When I used to I haven't done this in a while and man, I remember when I started doing this, I would hit up my college roommate, who I didn't talk to in like two years. And everyone does that holiday check-in thing. And I sent him something random. I was at a stoplight, and I remember exactly where I was. And I sent him something like, hey man, just wanted to say thank you for being such an awesome friend over the years. Really appreciate the man that you've become. Something along those lines. Remember how freaking awesome you are. And that was it. Imagine he hasn't heard from me probably in two years or something. And I get a message back from him almost instantly like, thank you so much. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this today. I was in a dark place. I was like, oh. And I would hear that time and time again when I started just randomly messaging people, showing gratefulness. You don't know how many people are going through a rough time, and they're going through that rough time in quiet desperation. Sure. No one else around them. They don't have a Brotherhood like we have to go through.
Andrew 22:57 You know what's coming up for me is I did that before, and I've done that many times, just that simple thing of how can you change someone's life and make someone's day better, right? Walk into a coffee shop in the morning and show appreciation. Tell that person, say, thank you so much. Have a great day. Just even in words. Or you go through a drive-through and you say to the person, hey, pay for the person's meal behind me. Little things that just change someone's day for the better, and it makes you feel really good doing it, right? Just showing up and finding someone and saying, hey, you know, thank you. I appreciate what you do. And I've done it before, and it's so cool.
Doug Holt 23:29 It is cool, man. And that's the funny thing about giving, right? You get so much more as a giver. That's awesome. Well, I appreciate you, all that you do for yourself, for the movement, for the men you've never met, just to pay it forward and be that lighthouse to showcase to men what it's like to be a powerful man, right? What it's like to stand in your own power and be somebody who takes responsibility for their actions, takes responsibility for their emotions, and does the actual work, even when and especially when it gets hard.
Andrew 24:03 Oh, it gets hard. And then it's part of the layer, right? Peeling back another layer. And there's just so much depth to this stuff. And it's just amazing. Doing the work. The journey never ends.
Doug Holt 24:13 The journey never ends, man. Never ends. Doing the work is hard. Living an average life is hard. Choose your hard. Exactly. I can tell you, one's much better than the other. Not going backwards. Everyone's there. Awesome, man. Well, thank you.
Andrew 24:28 Thank you, Doug.
Doug Holt 24:30 Gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Take Andrew's advice. Start gratitude. Wake up in the morning and look in the mirror. Look in your phone, right, and talk to yourself. Speak to yourself about what you're grateful for. If you're having problems right now in your marriage and you're not quite ready to jump into The Activation Method, which is our eight-week flagship program, then start with a gratitude challenge and see what comes up for you. See if you can rekindle that connection with your wife by simply going through this and being grateful. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? You're just more grateful for somebody. That's not a bad situation. And like Andrew and I talked about, we both fell into that situation where we didn't feel appreciated, so therefore we weren't going to be grateful until they appreciated us first. That, for me at least, I was being a teenager, right? I was being the teenager inside me was running the show at that point in my life. I don't want that for you. If you feel gratefulness, express it. Express it to the people around you and show that appreciation. Gentlemen, we'll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
