Truth or Consequences: Navigating Lies and Broken Promises in Relationships

Episode #826

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Transcription

Brad Holt  0:00  

So many guys want to hide it because they do. They are so scared that segregating and the response of somebody else keeps them from being the man they’re supposed to be because they’re

Doug Holt  0:09  

so scared because they’re not being honest, they can actually be truly connected to themselves and they can’t be truly connected to their partner, they have built an invisible wall between them and the other person, I just flip it around. Like how would you feel if you found that your wife was doing that you know, kind of do unto others as you want done to yourself?

Everyone, welcome to another episode of the TPM show. And today we are blessed to have the CEO of the powerful man and my brother, Brad Holt. Brad, thanks for being here, man.

Brad Holt  0:47  

great being here. Man. I love being up here. And sisters,

Doug Holt  0:51  

it’s great to have in here. It’s funny because we were just joking offline about how we are brothers. So we have that brother energy and that banter back and forth. So I’m trying my best not to let it show here. As we go and then go out to each other. What are the things I want to talk about? It’s an important subject, and it comes up a lot. And some of the men I’m coaching. And it comes up for a lot of reasons. It goes something like this is, is basically the guy’s got a secret, something he doesn’t want to devolve to his partner, could be a lot of things could be an affair could be money hidden could be a lie, or, but it’s something that’s what’s gnawing at him. And oftentimes, the guys don’t realize it as much but it does come up is the woman has a hint of this. She can smell it in the air. So to speak in this, my wife would say the women probably already know. But they want confirmation. So how does a guy navigate that? Let’s discuss that.

Brad Holt  1:48  

That was a great question. So I’m dealing with a group of guys right now. And people who come to us are usually very successful. But the relationships off kill somehow, for various reasons, things of God if the hidden secrets is a big one. And we use the terms and TPM of the stickman. And the I Am, the stickman is when we’re in a bad place calm, and comes from our survival brain. And the I Am is kind of like Brad 2.0, all the things I love to do where I really want to be. And so as much as I want to give them direct advice, like oh, here’s how you solve it, here’s the answer. A lot of times, what we have to really do is just ask them, calm down, take a breath. And what do you think about this? And they’ll explain to us what they think. And then I’ll ask them, Is this coming from your stickman? At a fear, anxiety? What happened in the past? Or what’s happening in the future? Or is this coming from your I Am, where you’re really authentic and yourself? And a lot of times just that alone will help them solve their problem. Because they don’t want to deal with the secrets?

Doug Holt  2:55  

Well, that’s it right? So, you know, secrets hold us back. I always joke with the guys that I don’t lie, because I forget to do my shit. Right? So I just keep it easier to be truthful. And the fact is, the reason I don’t lie is, its integrity. But two it just weighs on you. Right? It just weighs on your character. And it fit that feels like if I lied to somebody, for I think the last time I actually lied. But if I lie to somebody in an I’ll, I’ll lie if it’s like a surprise, right? I’ll do that kind of stuff. But it’s not what I would call a real lie. Like I might tell you, Hey, Brett, you know, if it’s your birthday, and everybody’s meeting us for dinner, and I’m taking you out, I might say Hey, Brad, let’s go out and grab a beer just you and I and then we show up to the restaurant and everybody’s there. That’s not the kind of lying I’m talking about. I’m talking about lies of omission. Also, something big, like an affair or hiding money. Those are the two most common things that I see guys lying about or a large purchase. That’s a little less common. But it’s usually around guys that are hiding money. They’re squirreling away money or something, or it’s advice, or they’ve cheated. And it seems to really eat at their vitality, right? It really seems to wave them down low

Brad Holt  4:06  

that it totally does my hope for every guy. I have my values and principles. And I think my view of the world is correct, but so does everybody. And so I don’t want to put my values onto them. So I want them to feel light and free to live the life that they were designed to live. And so many of the guys want to hide it because they they are so scared of segregating out and the response of somebody else. Yes, they’re just that paranoid right there holds them back and keeps them from being the man they’re supposed to be. And

Doug Holt  4:40  

here’s the ironic part of it that most guys don’t get. Because they’re so scared because they’re not being honest. They can actually be truly connected to themselves and they can’t be truly connected to their partner or their kids or wherever they’re lying to at this point. They have built an invisible wall between them and the other person

Brad Holt  4:58  

and they have to worry about what they say what they said last time. They’re, they’re just truly scared. Yeah. And they live an okay life, their life is meandering, and maybe they can lie their way through it. The wife is still gonna have doubts and concerns, and maybe she will bury them. But she also won’t live her best life because she’s not going to trust that person fully. Yeah,

Doug Holt  5:21  

you can have a gut instinct, right? We all do. We have a gut instinct. You know us why other people will say trust your gut, you have a gut instinct, and your spidey senses kick in when you know something’s up. You know, if you meet somebody, you know, we’re in the process right now of hiring as we’re expanding, we’re looking for some great people to join the movement, and join the team and meeting them in person versus just online. It’s a totally different thing, right? You can get that gut feeling. And it’s worth flying people and to really understand, hey, is this the right, the right move to make the same thing goes the other way? So, you know, if I’m hiding money away from my wife, as an example, it’s a common thing. I have a guy I’m working with right now. He is high, he has been spending a lot of time and energy, finding ways to hide money in case he goes through a divorce, right in case his wife leaves. So he’s doing all of this. Meanwhile, he’s wondering, Hey, I wonder why she’s not trusting me. I wonder why there’s no connection. And you know, and you’re like, Dude, you’re you’re trying to essentially you’re, it’s good to be prepared. And it’s good to have all your ducks in a row. But now you’re hiding things that you’re doing. There’s it’s impossible for you to have complete

Brad Holt  6:33  

connection at that time. And having hindsight being 2020 with all the men we’ve worked with, the guys who let go are lighter. Yes. Okay. They’re free to be who they were meant to be. They live their best life, and we use the term a lot Brad 2.0. And, my question to the guy that I’m dealing with is, what would Brad point out tell you to do? And every single time they say, be honest?

Doug Holt  7:02  

Yep. Yeah, I mean, our job as a coach is really to hold a mirror up to the guys, they know the answer. I mean, you wouldn’t ask the question, if you didn’t know the answer right to it. And you’re looking for, they’re looking for confirmation or, or, or approval, to do what they know they need to do. And coming back into it, which is really interesting when you think about it. And so when you think of, you know, we have a lot of guys that join the program, go through The Activation Method. And one of the other lies, although seemingly not as big as some of the ones we’re talking about now, is they don’t tell their wife, they’re in the program. And their wife finds out retrospectively, you know, afterwards, after he’s made all the changes, or he’s done the things and done the work, and they’ve reconciled and, you know, then the wife tends to be an advocate. But now he’s got to clean that up. Right? He’s got to she finds out, you know, so let me set the scene because I know, you know, the scene, so but the guys listening to this or watching this on YouTube may not. So what could happen, this happens a fair, fairly large percentage of the time, is men will join The Activation Method for relationships, right? They’re going through that proven methodology to get their marriage and the partnership back on track. And as they joined, they didn’t tell their wives. And as they’re going through the program, their marriage comes together. And a lot of guys will say, Man, our marriage is better than it’s ever been. It’s better than our wedding night. It’s amazing. Their clothes are going great. And things are going really fabulous. And the guy tells his wife, yes, I’m, I’m involved in this program that’s really helped us come together. And she’s like, What? Excuse me? Did they tell you to do this? Do they tell you to say all these nice things that you’ve been doing, or whatever else it is that he’s changed or been doing? And then she starts to question everything. Right. And it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes the women are just advocates, hey, you sought help, good for you. But, sometimes, they’ve created a chasm now that she wants to look at, and now she has the opportunity and the reason to question all the things that have changed in their marriage, why their marriage is really going well. Now, it’s

Brad Holt  9:05  

um, it’s a big issue for the men especially since we’re going through group right now. We had this exact same conversation, and I encouraged them to not hide it. And this gentleman decided to share it not only with his wife, but his kids. Kids thought this was weird, but it allowed the kids to know that dad’s not perfect. Dad has a side to him that he doesn’t like, Dad wants to be like this, which we all have our stickman or I am and the kids now come to him and say, Hey, Dad, this is your stickman so they call them out. But also they admit their own. They don’t have to be perfect. And they now know that they can share things with their father. Hey, Dad, I’m really getting lost. My stickman is taking over. It creates a great dialogue in your family that no one’s perfect. And it’s just again about being Oh, Been honest? Yeah,

Doug Holt  10:01  

I can, I can’t think of any time, Brad, that a man has told his kids that it hasn’t worked out. The kids benefit the kids becoming better men or women. As they get older, they’re learning the skill sets to come become better humans, and what father doesn’t want that for their kids?

Brad Holt  10:19  

And kind of looping back to you started the whole conversation as the guys who do the little white lies to just get by. They improve in the program, but they don’t go to where they want to be because I think come into The Activation Method relationships. A lot of you guys could meander through and have an okay maybe have a good marriage, you’re okay marriage, but they have a blessing or an opportunity to go to a level they’ve never been to before. And the marriage goes to a great place. But you have to be straightforward. You can’t have secrets. Because not only will it cause problems with the wife, but you’re never going to be able to step into that because you’re going to know. And the men live in shame and guilt. Like I didn’t tell her. They try to repress it. It’s still

Doug Holt  11:02  

there. Yeah, it is. And I think the difference is, is when your marriage is so shitty. Okay, it sounds amazing, right? And that’s, you know, versus guys whose marriages are shitty, but then now they can go to amazing, right and actual amazing not just feeling amazing for the differential that delta, but it’s actually a huge difference. And going through there. And the truth be told, though, you know, some guys who do admit to past wrongdoings past mishaps, if you will, sometimes it doesn’t always turn out great, right, in the sense of they, their partner does have a problem with their past allies or the boundaries that they’ve broken. It doesn’t always happen. Yeah, you know, I’d be making up a status that’s 5050 6040 or whatever. But I also want to be very clear that, hey, sometime when a guy comes forward and says, Hey, look, I’ve I have offshore accounts, what I’ve been hiding, because, you know, I was getting ready to leave you and hiding all the money and things like that. The wife has problems with that. Trust issues come up and things get flared pretty quickly. It

Brad Holt  12:10  

comes down to I’ve never had a guy who’s been honest, regret being honest. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out, because they’re not happy in the relationship as it is. And to stay in that relationship for another 30 years is not okay. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out. They feel lighter and free. And it’s sometimes it’s even the guy going I feel good. I told him, that’s up to her. How she responds, you have no control over it. And but that fear of letting go and being honest. And that’s what courage is. Yeah,

Doug Holt  12:46  

it’s exactly what courage is. And it’s something that’s interesting. Again, holding up a mirror, I know you use it with the guys what would the 2.0 version of you say to you? I just flip it around? Like, how would you feel if you found out your wife was doing that? Yeah. You know, well, that’s, that’s the obvious, then what would you want her to do? And why would you want her to do it? Because she loves you? Because you want her to be your partner? Yes. Okay, then now let’s look at it from that perspective, right, you know, kind of do unto others as you want done to yourself. And a lot of guys have some clarity around that when they do so. And it’s usually not the action that causes the most problems. It’s the covering up of the action, that tends to have the most backlash. And

Brad Holt  13:30  

I think it leaks out is guilt. When you have that guilt and shame, your words might be correct, but your body language, your tone of voice totally changes when the guys let go, I mean, really let go. I mean, it’s like you can see it in their eyes. And I don’t think we give women enough credit by being honest, they may hold it against you as a that’s it, you did this thing to secret, such a big deal. And to be honest, they have every right to have that feeling. But we’re also maybe creating stories in our head that they’re about and that’s called judging people. That’s not actually fair for us to create the story. Well, if I tell my wife, Julie, this, she’s gonna be mad at me. If I tell my wife, Julie, she’s gonna divorce me if I tell my wife, Julie, she’s gonna hate me. I’m actually putting my whole story under her and actually minimizing my wife’s value, which is, you know, it’s not fair. We’re

Doug Holt  14:23  

not 100% Correct, right? You’re not only minimizing our value, you’re also not giving her the freedom of choice, right? The freedom to choose whether the boundary that you broke whatever it is the agreement or what have you, if that’s something that she is willing to move forward with or not, right, so you’re robbing her of that opportunity of free choice.

Brad Holt  14:41  

And my kids watch this. So when I’m honest with my wife, Julie, it doesn’t always go great because she’s, she’s pissed. Yeah, but she gets to see how I stand. I. I listen, I empathize with her because I understand why I would be pissed. If I’m grounded in light I can deal with it. But when I’m in shame and guilt, I go, I get so defensive, I get really upset when people critique me. But if I go, Okay, here’s what happened. Not only do I help this relationship, but I show my son and my daughter, how you deal with these situations, and it doesn’t happen overnight, like there’s some magic wand, it sometimes takes days, weeks, and maybe even months,

Doug Holt  15:22  

maybe even years or years, you need some people, you got those the rare case, but I have seen it, where it’s guys have actually what I call estate in the pocket, yep. And they said, Look, divorce is off the table, but I’m gonna stay in the pocket I’m gonna hold true to. And that’s when you do change for yourself versus change for somebody else. So the men that come to the program, and are changing to just changing for a result outside of themselves, it’s harder for them. Now, it’s rare, because we have ways for our coaches, to get them to really see their true selves. But when you make the change for yourself, when you change things for yourself, and just for yourself only, they’re more permanent, and the people around you can feel it.

Brad Holt  16:04  

It goes against every grain of yours because I want to provide for them, I want to do for them. And lots of times, men who come into The Activation Method, their cup is so empty, they do a lot of things. And I would try to show them hey, I read that you have one hour a day with your family in your I am the real you the authentic present you versus six hours you just given time, but you’re in your stickman where your cup is empty, because you’re gonna be snappy, you’re just not gonna be showing up in a way. And this is what your memories and your legacy is going to be all about.

Doug Holt  16:41  

Absolutely. Well, we talked about a little bit you touched on it, but let’s say it guys in the situation, he’s listening to this or watching this on YouTube. And he’s like, okay, man, well, I think I need to come clean. I think I just think I need to do it. What are some ways let’s talk about and discuss some ways that he can set the tone, and set himself up for the best possible outcome?

Brad Holt  17:06  

Well, it’s funny, I just did this with a guy who was on a phone call, and we’re talking through it. And when you’re going into this, you are very anxious. So the client was anxious, and very stressed. And I just said, Okay, let’s stop, put everything down, close your eyes, and just breathe for a little bit. Just calm down. And we went through just a simple breathing exercise and got them to be centered. And then ask them just explain the situation and really ask them who’s, who’s talking to them? Where’s his voice? And who do they want to represent them? Because if they don’t calm down, they’re gonna really be in that stickman mentality? Yeah. And there’s, and that’s gonna stick man’s gonna say, Don’t tell him don’t tell him. They’re gonna kill you. All the hell did they get divorced you, they’re gonna all this, or they’re gonna hate you. But at the I Am every single time, that’s been just really grounded. We have the men go through a lot of different exercises, breathing is just one of them be a journal about it, but be calm and present. And whether that way, they’re grounded. They can just assert their opinion to say, hey, here’s what’s going on. And they have to be ready for the fact that, guess what, they might not be happy with you? Yeah. And I think it’s more important, not only just saying it, but being ready that, hey, they’re gonna say things back. How do you respond when they do? So if I said you even as my brother, by the way, I kind of screwed you over here. You’re gonna be mad. And you’re gonna probably say something acidic back to me, possibly, if you’re in a bad spot, or you’re mad. And what am I going to do? If I can escalate it? Or I can sit there and listen? Yeah, I understand. I get you and apologize. But not. And this is what we call the lighthouse. You know, I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. No matter what happens in tells you a message that I told you the truth. Be, you’re able to vent, but I’m still here like, okay, the relationship not damaged. But if I retreat and go away from you, now you start to great stories, okay, I told Brad the truth, and now he’s pissed at me. And then the relationship can now grow apart. What’s almost a victim

Doug Holt  19:20  

mentality, right? So to your point, you, you got to practice engaged in difference in that area, where you’re engaged in a conversation but indifferent. Also, I’ll recommend the guys I think a lot of guys try to go into these things, very stoic, and I think it’s the wrong way to do it. If you apologize to your wife for something you’ve done, that’s egregious, and you don’t show true regret, or true sincerity and the apology. It’s not going to mean anything towards actually going to be worse. She’s going to not only know the offense, but she’s going to think that you Just don’t care about her feelings. You don’t care about the outcome. And she’s not going to believe there’s remorse. And if there’s no remorse, you just do it again. Yep.

Brad Holt  20:08  

I mean, it’s like repentance, right? Yeah. Not to do it again. And it’s like what luckily holds. We don’t have this problem. So we’re speaking theoretically, yeah, we’re

Doug Holt  20:17  

perfect people.

Brad Holt  20:18  

We never have these issues. But now, yeah, it’s an I can tell you when I haven’t been forthright, it weighs on me. Yeah. And it shows and those who really know me can say what’s on your mind? You’re like, what? Nothing? But yeah, I get really defensive. And the people who are the most important to me, which is my wife, and my kids, get the least of me, because I’m hiding things. Yeah.

Doug Holt  20:43  

No, absolutely. Cuz you can’t. We talked about vitality, but you can’t be truly yourself. Yeah, right wears on you. So another thing I’ll add into there is if you’re gonna approach this one, if you guys are involved in the movement, do what Brad’s client did reach out to your coach, and have your coach guide you through this. There are a lot of nuances that we can’t capture in a show like this, that, and individual things that are going on. But for those of you who aren’t in a movement, for whatever reason, you know, one of the things I also will say is set the tone, use a version of The Hidden Motives Technique in there, so that she understands one, that you understand her pain, the pain that would cause her, you can explain the pain that it’s caused you to keep it into, that’s fine, but make it about her. And then also tell her where you want to go and lead her to where the next steps could be. So an example might be saying something to your wife, like, Hey, babe, there’s something that’s been weighing heavily on my heart. And I realized that I’ve hurt you so deeply. And I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you anymore. However, it’s come, it’s, it’s become evident that for us to go to the next level of our marriage or relationship. We need to move past this together. And I want you to know, X, Y, and Z. And, you know, I’ve never happened again, whatever you want to say there, guys. And then what I want for us in the future is, you know, to always have a transparent, open, and loving marriage, where we can continue to thrive together. How can we do this together? No,

Brad Holt  22:20  

That’s great, I think the word you use that a lot of my guys get stuck on his beat leading. Leading is not a dominating thing. So I kind of changed the word. I say, initiate leading is just initiating, like, if, instead of going, Hey, what do you want to go to eat? That’s not initiating that put all the responsibility on the other person. It’s me going as I’ve thought ahead of time. Hey, Doug, want to go out to eat with you? What do you think we’re going to this Mexican restaurant? I’ve, I’ve shown interest. I’m initiating, I’m leading the conversation. Now you can disagree. Okay, cool. It’s cool that place, men when you walk into this, leading is initiating taking the first step. Yeah, I think yeah, I think

Doug Holt  23:03  

what I’m trying to say leading is the be a visionary. Yeah. Paint the vision, do it. Paint the vision of where you want the next steps to be. And so that she can look at the where at least you want to go and possibly see a future.

Brad Holt  23:23  

Yep. And it just shows you care enough to have thought about it. Yeah. That instead of like, a lot of my guys, and I think myself, too, in some cases, I think I’m being a good person. I don’t care. What do you want to do? And what they’re hearing is, I don’t care. Yes. Yeah. And I don’t mean that I think I’m being a nice guy. Yeah, I’m trying to Okay, I’ll do anything. Yeah. But that is not very appealing. In a romantic relationship, but even when friends I think guys should think about this is that it’s not just a man-to-woman thing. If it’s anyone’s business, if I come in and have a business and I start trying to solve your problems.

Doug Holt  24:05  

Yeah. How does that feel? Doesn’t work well for me.

Brad Holt  24:10  

And I can tell you guys when we go to our wives and try to solve their problems, yeah. How do you think they feel? Yeah, it’s pretty disrespectful. Like, you’re too you’re not smart enough to do it yourself. So let me solve your problems. Yep. So don’t guys get stuck with others different than us? They are. And there’s a lot of nuances. But there are some just basic communications. Listen, if you ask a question, really listen, not just to your ears, your eyes, your body language. And you’ll be shocked that they’re going to tell you. Yeah,

Doug Holt  24:39  

that’s really interesting. I haven’t thought of it that way. It’s happened recently, within some of our departments where people have come into the apartment I’m in and tried to change things and move things around or ask questions without being asked to do so. And I felt that was really disrespectful. I’m sorry. I want to see hidden most definitely right Now that understanding of you know, but you know, this is, I think what I want to emphasize here, Brad is, and we’ve said it three times, at least for this will be the third, I think, is the weight on the guys. Does this feel so one of the questions I would ask myself, men, if you’re there is, does keeping the secret feel heavier? Like, if it feels heavy, you got to let it go. If it feels light, you make your choice, right? I’m not here to judge. That’s one of the things I love about the movement. TPM is it’s a judgment-free zone, all races, religions, and backgrounds, judgment-free, we’re not here to put, our belief systems on anybody. So whatever you want to do, we’ll support you one way or the other. If you want to keep the secret, great, we’re going to help you be the best man you can possibly be. If you want to go and release the secret and be more transparent. Great, we’re gonna help you be the best man you can possibly be. But does it make you feel heavy? Or does it make you feel like?

Brad Holt  26:02  

And just as I get very attached to the guys I work with? Oh, yeah, I care for them deeply. Yep. And just for that person, outside of their family, I want them to feel light. Yeah. Because when they feel like, they’re just a different person. And most of the time, I’m seeing them on a Zoom call. But it is a totally different experience, you can see and the other guys, you’ll see them move forward when the guy starts talking. Yeah, they’re gone. Whatever you do, and do that. Yes. And one guy. Not gonna say where he’s from, he said it really well. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never felt light. I’ve never felt I’m never gonna give this up. Yep, I won’t let anybody take this away. This is the best feeling ever. Because they had to feel overwhelmed all their life. And

Doug Holt  26:50  

it’s not a plug for. But that’s exactly what The Alpha Reset does resets our flagship three-day experience. It’s very intense, very transformational. And we don’t talk about it much. And the men don’t either always you can see videos and testimonials that will say it’s the most life-changing thing they’ve ever been through next to even sometimes more than their kid a child being born. It’s because they feel light. And they figured out the tools to continue that on again and again and again. So they can live that life.

Brad Holt  27:20  

It’s the Alpha Reset. I mean, that’s, it does sound like a marketing plug. Right? How many times do you get a five out of five from business owners? Across the board? Yeah, it doesn’t happen. I’m uh, I rarely get fives to people. And it’s truly transformational. It

Doug Holt  27:36  

is it is. It’s not a plug, because guys can’t get into it already in the movement. And then you’re already in. So it’s not a big deal. Awesome, Brad. So, one last piece of advice, a piece of wisdom to a man who’s sitting there biting his fingernails right now go on shit, what they’re saying is right, I got the secret. I got this thing I want to get off my chest. Man, it’s not gonna go over? Well, I don’t want to do it, the nervousness, the anxiety, all those things are coming up inside of them. What’s your last piece of final advice for him?

Brad Holt  28:06  

You know, just? That’s a great question. And my real answer is you gotta have a vision, you got to know where you’re going. And where you are who you want to be. Not just tomorrow, but in 10 years. A lot of times my advice would be even to you as my brother, like, what would the elder version of yourself tell you? And they always go, Oh, they’ve told me not to do this. They tell me to do this. When I’m in the shits when I’m in trouble, I’m scared to death. And when I can go from the outside, lean on a mentor, a coach, lean on people in the movement, or even my older version of myself. If you have a vision, then you know where you want to go. And that’ll give you the courage to overcome the stories we tell ourselves. Absolutely.

Doug Holt  28:52  

Great advice. Brad, thanks so much for being here at TPM Ranch and for all that you do for the movement. Oh, man, great being here. Thanks. Absolutely. Gentlemen, as we always stay in the moment of insight, take massive action and I’m gonna invite you guys to tune in right now. You’re sitting there like shit, man, I got something. I just don’t want to tell that person. And maybe it’s not your wife, right? Maybe it’s your kids. Maybe it’s a business partner. Maybe it’s something else. And it’s just kind of weighing on you. It’s feeling a little heavy. Right? What I want you to do is just tune in, just tune in right now and do what Brad said, picture yourself 10 years from now 10 years from now, what would the 10-year-old senior version of yourself tell you? What advice or counsel would they give you about this situation when they say hey, just suck it up and live through this and you’re gonna you’re gonna keep it live in heavy for the next 10 years, or they’re going to tell you to lighten the load. And there you’ll find your answer, gentlemen, we’ll see you next time on the TPM show.